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| author | Aargh Rai <aargh.rai+git@gmail.com> | 2025-10-30 18:24:43 +0530 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Aargh Rai <aargh.rai+git@gmail.com> | 2025-10-30 18:25:40 +0530 |
| commit | 0f96bce54cb34827ec18fa7ce1268cacdc23bb24 (patch) | |
| tree | 6ebac2db1245f907b5f9ea158578716717fbb61c | |
| parent | b5e93687460dae9ab6c56497ccb5e9f7fb5898ec (diff) | |
fortune & wisdom!
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitignore | 1 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 1 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | fortune/showerthoughts | 38122 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | hardware-configuration.nix | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | home-manager/home.nix | 1 | ||||
| -rwxr-xr-x[-rw-r--r--] | hypr/hyprlock/check-capslock.sh | 0 | ||||
| -rwxr-xr-x[-rw-r--r--] | hypr/hyprlock/status.sh | 0 | ||||
| -rwxr-xr-x | install.sh | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | nixos/environment.nix | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | nixos/home.nix | 1 |
10 files changed, 38132 insertions, 1 deletions
@@ -1,2 +1,3 @@ hypr-zoom *.hm-backup +*.dat @@ -51,6 +51,7 @@ Check ./sync.sh to find where each directory is sourced from ## Docs ### Features +- Ly Display Manager for login - hyprland as desktop environment - foot as terminal - waybar for top bar diff --git a/fortune/showerthoughts b/fortune/showerthoughts new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e14f8d --- /dev/null +++ b/fortune/showerthoughts @@ -0,0 +1,38122 @@ +Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don't know what either +of those things are. + ―jgam7, Feb 2015 +% +April Fool's Day is the one day of the year when people critically evaluate +news articles before accepting them as true. + ―kellenbrent, Apr 2015 +% +I have never once hit the space bar while watching a YouTube video with the +intention of scrolling halfway down the page + ―unfinished_usernam, Mar 2015 +% +When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters, not +used, is DEN-MARK. + ―vestergaard92, Nov 2014 +% +Maybe 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' isn't a show that displays how +stupid grown adults can be, but rather, a show that depicts how much useless +information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable +later in life. + ―YELLHEAH, Mar 2014 +% +The object of golf is to play the least amout of golf. + ―HansOlavLee, Jul 2015 +% +"The Bachelor" is a show about a man dating multiple women at once that is +primarily watched by women who hate men who date multiple women at once. + ―-Lo_Mein_Kampf-, Mar 2016 +% +Netflix needs an incognito mode so that I can watch terrible films without +getting recommended more terrible films + ―JayNotAtAll, Jan 2016 +% +There should be confetti in tires so when there is a blow out it's still kind +of an okay day + ―Eye_Decay, Aug 2015 +% +If you go to jail for tax evasion, you're living off of taxes as a result of +not paying taxes. + ―Senor_Ita, Sep 2016 +% +Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can +remember WTF I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their +site + ―firstrival, Aug 2015 +% +Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will +be okay to push people into pools again. + ―CornerDealie, Mar 2015 +% +I used hola unblocker to watch Argo on the Canadian Netflix. I was an American +who had to pretend to be Canadian to watch a movie about Americans who have to +pretend to be Canadians making a movie. + ―veritate_valeo, Mar 2015 +% +AOL who I have never given a dollar to still hosts my e-mail address from 6th +grade and yet my university whom I've given over 60 thousand dollars to +deleted mine within a year of my graduation. + ―Ismellcumin, Oct 2016 +% +"DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille. + ―Air_Hellair, Nov 2015 +% +Maybe if we announce that Buzzfeed's shutting down, Buzzfeed will announce +that it's shutting down. + ―TheAbjectLol, Jan 2015 +% +Every time you upvote someone, you are making their day better, at the cost of +nothing. + ―andrew688k, Nov 2013 +% +Shrek is a movie about loving yourself for who you are despite your physical +appearance, but during the entire film they are making fun of Lord Farquaad +for being short instead of all his other detestable qualities. + ―Haskillbrother, May 2016 +% +Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I +was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid. + ―The_JayMo, Aug 2015 +% +Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, thank god it's the yawn. + ―MKLV, Aug 2015 +% +instead of all the prequel and sequel movies coming out, they should start +making equels - films shot in the same time period as the original film, but +from an entirely different perspective + ―equalfilms, Nov 2014 +% +Apple has "air." Amazon has "fire." Google has "earth." I think Microsoft +should create something called "water." + ―arbaminim, Dec 2014 +% +X88B88 looks like the word voodoo reflecting off of itself. + ―roboccohurly, Apr 2014 +% +Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't +have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change. + ―ThisisGolems, Aug 2015 +% +"Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did +you turn it off and turn it back on again?" + ―W0rdN3rd, Dec 2013 +% +In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found in snow mountains +containing the last moments of peoples lives. + ―anonymoos_user, Aug 2015 +% +Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles +unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet +thanks to you. + ―tectactoe, Oct 2014 +% +We should have a holiday called Space Day, where lights are to be shut off for +at least an hour at night to reduce light pollution, so we can see the galaxy. + ―bmg1001, Jan 2015 +% +Coffee should have a "caffeine by volume" rating like alcohol so I can choose +how wired I really want to be when I buy coffee + ―JakesShitpostReviews, Oct 2016 +% +The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the +kitchen. + ―ElBretto, May 2014 +% +Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that +erases your browser history if your heart stops beating. + ―ComicSansIsAwsome, Mar 2015 +% +American journalism has gotten to the point that readers are criticized for +not fact checking news articles. + ―Olympian123, Aug 2016 +% +I never burn bridges; I just fail to maintain them, and let them structurally +degrade over time. + ―Ayyesh, Oct 2016 +% +The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi. + ―PhantomDukie, Feb 2014 +% +They should announce a sequel to Groundhog Day and then just re-release the +original. + ―FlyLikeAMouse, Dec 2014 +% +On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes +to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally + ―Jam_Clam, Jul 2014 +% +If you aren't at least a little ashamed of your country's history, you don't +know your country's history. + ―KnightOfWords, Mar 2016 +% +Instead of colorizing photos, in 50 years we will be removing filters. + ―SixSexySockPuppets, Aug 2016 +% +Car horns should only be allowed to be in pitches C, E, and G, so whenever two +people honk at the same time it will be in harmony and traffic jams will sound +like symphonies. + ―bringbackseymour, Mar 2016 +% +The best item to protect you from sasquatch attacks is a camera. + ―papertank17, Aug 2015 +% +I'm convinced most of the adults who told me wiki is unreliable, now use viral +facebook posts for most of their news sources. + ―Sharplynormal, Dec 2015 +% +When drone technology becomes cheap enough, hands-free umbrellas are gonna be +the shit. + ―TremendoSlap, Oct 2016 +% +I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to +drive. + ―mozezus, Jun 2016 +% +If Leonardo Dicaprio ever wins an Oscar, he should pull out a dusty piece of +paper and do an acceptance speech as if it's from 1993 + ―specialservices, Aug 2015 +% +When a company offers me a better price after I cancel their subscription, +they're just admitting they were overcharging me. + ―Rhythman, Sep 2016 +% +It would be a good idea to have "The Price Is Right" with billionaires, just +to see how out of touch they are. + ―slim2shady, Sep 2016 +% +Your dog doesn't know you can make mistakes. When you trip over him in the +dark, he thinks you got up just to kick him in the head. + ―Throw13579, Aug 2015 +% +With as much as I use my cell phone I don't believe it's ever made an +appearance in one of my dreams + ―Nogger_smogger, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty +because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that's how +it works. + ―Lyslyssa, Dec 2014 +% +If you swap the spinach for beer, then any episode of Popeye becomes a bitter +story of a raging alcoholic, right down to the speech impediment and tendency +to fight people who he believes are trying to steal "his girl" + ―iftherewasanotherway, Jun 2015 +% +If Goldilocks tried three beds, then Momma Bear and Daddy Bear slept +seperately. Baby Bear is probably the only thing keeping the family together. + ―gridster2, Apr 2015 +% +Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying +how crazy it is? + ―Have_One, May 2015 +% +When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow + ―benji9t3, Sep 2013 +% +My 102 year old grandmother has lived through 42% of US history. + ―ggginasswrld, Jun 2016 +% +"Would you rather crash on a friend's couch or the freeway?" would be a good +campaign slogan against drinking and driving. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +I don't think we're thankful enough that the whole world agreed on the same +units of time. + ―Pasurojiti, Jul 2016 +% +In the event of an apocalypse I would spend the first 20 minutes wondering why +the internet doesn't work + ―OrionSeph, Mar 2016 +% +The Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that +drives you to a random location. + ―CerealFlakes, Jun 2014 +% +Dog food could say it's any flavor it wants, you're not going to test it. + ―M153RY, Jun 2016 +% +As a dishwasher, I come home after hours of work in which I get covered in +filth, and I take a shower only to realize...I am the final dish + ―RandyJones, Apr 2014 +% +Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually +expire and turn into mulch which they can consume + ―ergotpoisoning, Oct 2016 +% +As a graphic designer, my entire career exists because I was able to pirate +Photoshop 10 years ago. + ―AnimalCrust, Aug 2016 +% +I've woken up over 10,000 times and I'm still not used to it + ―dankerinooo, Jun 2016 +% +A bachelor party is more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding. + ―burlyjez, Jan 2016 +% +No 'how I made a million dollars' books include the author starting their +journey to wealth by reading a book about how to make a million dollars. + ―Sexymcsexalot, Apr 2015 +% +If libraries were thought up today, they would be shut down by book industry +lobbyists + ―cat_master_plan, Aug 2016 +% +Over the past year I've taken so many "before" pictures of my body while +telling myself im going to start working out, I basically just have a +slideshow of me getting fatter. + ―GodzCock, Oct 2016 +% +"I can't check the time because my watch is doing a software update" is +probably the most ridiculous thing I've said this week + ―Ironfields, Feb 2016 +% +what are snails even trying to do + ―BlueSkadood, Apr 2014 +% +There should be an app like tinder but for jobs. Like hey you have 42 jobs +that meet your qualifications near you. Then the company can swipe left for +awful applications. + ―electrovert, Aug 2015 +% +Becoming an adult feels like slowly being put into a managerial position you +didn't really want + ―JohannesP, Aug 2015 +% +Dungeon keys in Zelda work on any door but can only be used once. That is the +exact opposite of how a key is supposed to work. + ―QuincyAzrael, May 2016 +% +Task Manager should have an "End as many tasks as possible without crashing my +system" button + ―Third_Redditor_Ever, Sep 2016 +% +If I see something like a cat or hydraulic press at the top of the front page +I know all has been relatively well with the western world for the past 24 +hours + ―The_Bearded_Doctor, Jun 2016 +% +On April Fools Day, Pornhub should pop up a notification that says +"Successfully shared to Facebook" + ―Snowmittromney, Aug 2015 +% +My activities on the internet are basically the same things I would do if I +were a ghost: Listen in on people's conversations, spy on people having sex, +and watch whatever movies and concerts I want for free. + ―Khromulabobulation, Nov 2015 +% +/r/Showerthoughts should have hot/cold tap heads as the upvote/downvote +buttons + ―pieceofyourpuzzle, Mar 2014 +% +every cell in my body knows how to replicate DNA yet I'm not in on it so I +have to spend hours studying it + ―depressingcarrot, Feb 2015 +% +Everyday, someone on Earth unknowingly does the biggest poo in the world for +that day. + ―swallowing_panda, Jan 2015 +% +Netflix is like a refrigerator full of food but with nothing I want to eat. + ―rsahk, Aug 2015 +% +If employee of the month won a private bathroom instead of a parking spot, I +would be way more motivated at my job. + ―itsoutthere, Oct 2016 +% +My 18 month daughter has reached the intelligence level of The Sims. She can +move around, clap at random things and make garbage sounds but everything else +we have to direct her to do. + ―positivemark, Aug 2015 +% +The reason I want to get ahead in life is so that I can be lazy once and for +all. + ―ThoughtCondom, Jul 2016 +% +Most orchestras are just 1800's cover bands. + ―basspl, May 2016 +% +If Apple Pay came before credit/debit cards, the invention of a battery-free +payment tool that fits in your wallet might be seen as an improvement. + ―VinceCully, Aug 2016 +% +Only mortals have told me that it would suck to live forever. + ―Mrlmop, Oct 2016 +% +Putting soymilk into coffee is putting beanwater into a different kind of +beanwater. + ―blackredgoldcat, Oct 2016 +% +Almost every hand I've ever shaken has had a dick in it. + ―halohitz, Aug 2015 +% +If colleges really want to prepare high school students for today's job market +then they should only accept students who have "at least 2-3 years college +experience". + ―Arpeggi42, Jul 2015 +% +Having a toddler is like being on a permanent escort mission: A low AI +character tries to follow you around, and if you're not careful enough, +they'll find a way to kill themselves. + ―chrono1465, Oct 2015 +% +Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is +to wake up the world. + ―SubotaiKhan, Mar 2016 +% +I definitely used way more glue in the first five years of my life than I have +in all the time since then. + ―UllrRllr, Aug 2016 +% +Dogs probably destroy shoes because they see humans put them on before they +leave the house. + ―MrCSquared, Aug 2015 +% +My debit card pays for things with past hours of my life, and my credit card +pays with future hours of my life. + ―makeitrayne, Aug 2015 +% +On any given day in a hospital, you can find people having the best day of +their life, the worst day of their life, the first day of their life, and the +last day of their life all under one roof. + ―Turd_Wrangler_Guy, May 2016 +% +My car keys have traveled more than my car + ―xshareddx, Jun 2016 +% +Sleeping in is considered lazy, but going to bed early is not. + ―cloudyy182, Feb 2016 +% +Facebook is ubiquitous, but has a reputation for low-quality content. It's +become the Walmart of social media. + ―RoninK, Aug 2015 +% +The entire purpose of a bayonet is to bring a knife to a gun fight. + ―Third_Redditor_Ever, Aug 2016 +% +If self-driving cars kick in fast enough, Women may never be able to drive in +Saudi Arabia. + ―mtlroadie, Apr 2016 +% +Between "South Park", "Rick and Morty", "Archer", etc., I watch more cartoons +now than I did as a kid. + ―JimHalpertWasABully, Aug 2015 +% +Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person +at a job fair. + ―Cosmo_120, Aug 2015 +% +Bushing your teeth is the only time you clean your skeleton + ―Brinner, Aug 2015 +% +It would be really weird if emotional dramas had "cry tracks" similar to +sitcoms with laugh tracks. + ―Atlantabraves, Feb 2016 +% +I used to set up a SINGLE song downloading on limewire OVERNIGHT and bask in +the glory of it the next day, now if I click a gif link that doesn't load +within a couple of seconds I cancel it and move on. + ―Fatchine, Nov 2015 +% +Growing up, I thought 'slow dances' would be a bigger occurrence in my adult +life than it is. + ―jolieminou, Aug 2016 +% +If 9/11 had happened this year instead of 2001, we'd have all kinds of +horrifying, incredible footage from people trapped inside the World Trade +Center since everyone would have had a smartphone. + ―ns156, Mar 2016 +% +Every "How it's made" video should be archived in the event of an apocalypse. + ―purple_mercury, Feb 2016 +% +I would rather spend 10 extra minutes driving on an empty road than be in +traffic. + ―SCADA_MASTER, Mar 2016 +% +I drive safer when there's food on my passenger seat than when there's a +person sitting there. + ―SinisterKid, Dec 2015 +% +I read through /r/nosleep yesterday and realized that terrible things only +happen to people with excellent storytelling skills. + ―InconspicuousD, Aug 2015 +% +Girl Scouts is basically a brand-name cookie company that gets away with child +labor. + ―Foo_Fighter_Fan, Feb 2016 +% +As a bald, hairy man, I should probably shampoo my body and use body wash soap +on my head. + ―BrandonThe, Dec 2015 +% +Having a video not load after watching an entire ad, is like the equivalent of +having a vending machine eat your money. + ―WhateverAmen, Oct 2016 +% +When I accidentally type my password into the username box, I always feel like +someone is watching me and saying "Finally got him." + ―thenixnerd, Oct 2016 +% +What if Earth is like one of those uncontacted tribes in South America, like +the whole Galaxy knows we're here but they've agreed not to contact us until +we figure it out for ourselves. + ―jimbojonesFA, Sep 2016 +% +Thanks to the Internet, I have probably seen more naked ladies than all of my +ancestors combined. + ―CurtisTH, Aug 2014 +% +Coming from a big family, I don't know what is more sad - That one of us will +have to go to seven funerals, or that one of us won't have to go to any. + ―GhostOfPluto, Feb 2015 +% +You know you're an adult when your house makes noises and you're scared it's +an expensive repair bill and not a monster. + ―producerdan, Oct 2015 +% +If keyboards came with braille on them, we all could have subconsciously +learned braille by now. + ―fatdonuthole, Jun 2016 +% +I wish I had a Mario Kart-like ghost of myself punctually getting ready for +work in the morning so I'd know if I was running late. + ―OMGGGEEEE, May 2014 +% +Cowboys that ride off into the sunset quickly run out of daylight and have to +camp just outside of town. Probably should've just stayed put for the night +instead of being all dramatic. + ―throwpillo, May 2015 +% +If fish keep declining, future generations will think “plenty of fish in the +sea” is a sarcastic quip meaning they will never find anyone. + ―Jack_leon25, Aug 2016 +% +I wish the first rule of Crossfit was the same as Fight Club. + ―dellwood513, Mar 2016 +% +A bed is a shelf for your body when you are not using it. + ―Nabrokovian, Aug 2015 +% +I should ask my barber where he gets his hair cut, then go there and slowly +make my way up the chain until I find THE GREATEST BARBER IN THE WORLD...or +perhaps just a bald dude. + ―TheGubbins, Dec 2014 +% +A guy can decline an invitation by saying his girlfriend won't let him go and +everyone will likely understand. But if a girl declines an invitation by +saying her boyfriend won't let her go, people will likely get concerned. + ―1Calvin, Aug 2016 +% +The only time I've ever used the panic button on my car key is when I +accidentally press it, causing me panic. + ―tdawg1911, Apr 2016 +% +That Google Chrome "what tab is being noisy?" speaker icon should function as +a mute button. + ―kirk_is_, May 2015 +% +Someone's therapist probably knows all about you and probably thinks it's your +fault. + ―frmes_hift, Aug 2015 +% +The real unsung hero in School Of Rock is the promoter who got about 2,000 +people to a local Battle Of The Bands on a weekday morning. + ―AndyVale, Nov 2014 +% +I don't get why people are upset we haven't invented hover-boards by 2015 when +according to the same movie, we should've had a time machine back in in 1985. + ―iZacAsimov, Oct 2015 +% +Dora calls herself an "explorer," but travels exclusively through mapped +territories + ―ChefBoyarE, May 2015 +% +There should be a take your parent to work day so that they can see what their +kid has grown up to be. + ―jollyhighgaint, Apr 2016 +% +If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills +for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not + ―-OmnipotentPotato-, Feb 2016 +% +Most animals don't recognize their own reflection because their brains aren't +complex enough. I wonder if humans have observed something which we cannot +comprehend or even know we cannot comprehend because our brains lack that +complexity. + ―bloodygames, Jun 2016 +% +Were it not for Steve Harvey, most of us would not have even known the Miss +Universe pageant took place yesterday. + ―jloy88, Dec 2015 +% +Everytime someone in a movie has to draw blood they always cut the palm of +their hand. Surely this is the least convenient place to have a deep cut. + ―GemEdessa, Jul 2016 +% +You can tell that the Flintstones lived a very long time ago because they're a +single-income working class family with their own house. + ―MisterBadIdea2, Aug 2015 +% +When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me. + ―AthleticNerd_, Sep 2016 +% +A vampire could switch one of the lenses of his glasses with a mirror and +effectively have a rear-view mirror + ―save-iour, Oct 2016 +% +The world isn't getting dumber. It's just easier for dumb people to get their +thoughts heard. + ―lb8ovn, May 2016 +% +If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser +history. + ―I_yike_nat, Sep 2016 +% +Dating in your 30s and 40s is like, "I wonder what this person's tragedy is" + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +There should by a gym where the membership fee is extremely high at the +beginning of the month but you earn money back for every day you end up going +and working out for at least an hour. + ―mrmoo524, Aug 2015 +% +If you're 24 years old, you've already been around for 10% of American +history. + ―shamelessquestion, Sep 2016 +% +It's a good thing Dr. Seuss books come with pictures, because otherwise I'd +have no fuckin clue what he was talking about. + ―PM_ME_NSFW_HARLEY_Q, May 2016 +% +I wish web browsers would wait until after I've successfully logged in before +asking to save a password for a website. + ―scaredimgurian, Aug 2016 +% +I still use my college ID to get two dollars off movie tickets 15 years after +graduating. So, if i see 10,000 movies my diploma will have pretty much paid +for itself! + ―germsburn, Feb 2016 +% +When I was a younger person I had to use the Oxford dictionary to understand +adult words and now that I'm an adult I have to use urban dictionary to +understand younger people words. + ―TheShamz, Nov 2015 +% +Adblock should buy out signs around time square and replace them with "This ad +has been blocked by Adblock" + ―chp2001, Jan 2015 +% +People argue with me more in my head than they do in real life. + ―YourNameIsIrrelevant, Jan 2016 +% +I think we should all take a moment and be grateful our bodies don't shit +while we're asleep. + ―garrett1999o3, Sep 2016 +% +Based off the amount of people who seem to actually use their turn signals +when driving, it's a good thing that reverse lights turn on automatically. + ―dumbbatman, Sep 2016 +% +A telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound + ―UwRandom, Oct 2016 +% +Isn't it weird in movies sometimes when there's a fight on top of a truck yet +all the cars behind them will be driving like normal like "this is real messed +up but I'm not going to be late for work". + ―crudmissile, May 2016 +% +In a submarine battle you can be under fire, underwater, on fire, and taking +on water all at the same time. + ―Snoopislurking, May 2016 +% +For most of human history, vehicles had automatic collision avoidance and +could even take you home when you were sleeping or drunk. Then we got rid of +the horse. + ―arbaminim, Nov 2014 +% +Why are wedding dresses bought and tuxedos rented? The utility of each is such +that it should be the other way around. + ―the_humeister, May 2016 +% +Most of my targeted ads are for things I just recently bought, which seems +redundant + ―Venerac, Aug 2016 +% +You should be able to yell "BE RIGHT THERE" to your phone and since it knows +you're coming, it gives you a few extra rings before sending the user to +voicemail. + ―salvisa, May 2015 +% +The Olympics should have a 'For Fun' section at the end of all the games so +all the athletes can try different sports. + ―dublzz, Aug 2016 +% +"Where are you" is probably the least used phrase in sign language. + ―SpaaloneBabagus, Sep 2016 +% +If Obama was the president of Kenya, he would be their first white president. + ―Sloth_Brotherhood, Nov 2013 +% +Facebook shares are just the new "Fw: Fw: fw: Fw: Fw:" of stupid images and +jokes + ―xixi2, Aug 2015 +% +To the dinosaurs, we live in a post-apocalyptic future. + ―Jayfeather69, Mar 2015 +% +2 days off: Typical weekend. 3 days off: Well rested. 4+ days off: Forget +every single element of what it takes to be a functional member of society. + ―TexMcBadass, Jan 2016 +% +Most superheroes are born with their powers or get them through an accident, +while most supervillains gain their powers through intelligence or years of +hard work. + ―L0kiMotion, Sep 2016 +% +As a kid, I had absolutely no idea that my favourite thing as an adult would +be doing nothing. + ―jayflashgordon, Mar 2016 +% +As a child, the concept of having a favourite color seemed more important than +it turned out to be. + ―DogeSaint-Germain, Jan 2016 +% +The missing Malaysia flight 370 is exactly what the show "Lost" would've +looked like from the rest of the world's POV. + ―Sac_Man10, Dec 2015 +% +I've seen people on reddit do more intense research on random shit than I ever +have in high school and college put together + ―Ragan_aron123, May 2016 +% +I have two cushions. My wife bought them. Their sole reason for existence is +to throw the them on the bedroom floor at 11pm every evening. + ―astraboy, Oct 2016 +% +As a kid, if I was in trouble or my parents did something I didn't like, I +would say to myself, "I will never do that to my kids." Now as a parent, I +can't remember what I am supposed to do differently. + ―FlabbyFanny, Aug 2016 +% +Somewhere in the world, there is somebody with your dream job that hates going +to work everyday + ―EmailSoup, Jul 2016 +% +In highschool, eating lunch alone is considered lame and can result in +bullying. In a busy office, eating lunch alone and undisturbed is considered a +luxury. + ―Kezly, Oct 2016 +% +You know you're fucked if your favorite band visits you while you're in a +hospital + ―shakingthebeef, May 2016 +% +It would be scary as fuck if the entire Ocean was clear like a swimming pool. + ―JustinTimberbeach, Sep 2016 +% +The two things that I resist the most in my day are going to bed at night, and +getting out of bed in the morning. + ―Josh_Logic, Jul 2016 +% +Me not being able to watch "The Interview" is the first real time I've ever +directly been affected by North Korea + ―Professor_Plop, Dec 2014 +% +"He died doing what he loved" would be a horrible thing to say at a drug +addicts funeral. + ―NumberZtv, Aug 2015 +% +My kids don't beg for toys and I realized it's because they never get to see +commercials + ―tanman1975, Jun 2016 +% +You could seriously piss off your neighbours by buying a puppy and naming it +the same as their child. + ―chilejon, Apr 2016 +% +I can't remember a single product I've seen advertised on Youtube. Not one. My +brain registers the ad as an impediment to what it wants and immediately +shifts my focus to something else until it's over. + ―f0restry, Mar 2016 +% +"It's Raining Men," and "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor," are about the same +event, but wildly different perspectives. + ―Charli-was-here, Jun 2016 +% +The reason why tomato soup and grilled cheese is such a good combo is because +it's basically the same ingredients as pizza. + ―JAMALDAVIS, Sep 2016 +% +The biggest lie in taco commercials is someone taking a bite of a hard shell +taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands. + ―PoopStuckOnYourFur, Aug 2016 +% +I turned 18 a half hour ago, I've spent 100% of my adult life on reddit. + ―foresstguy, Aug 2015 +% +All the guys from 'Pawn Stars' should compete on an episode of 'The Price is +Right' + ―robidizzle, Mar 2016 +% +If someone forgets to clear the time on the microwave, after 3 minutes it +should automatically default back to displaying the time. + ―AssaultBuick, Aug 2016 +% +If doctor had told me I have 6 months left to live, I would approach it as any +other deadline and probably just be lazy until the last month. + ―elfizad, Feb 2016 +% +A Batman movie from the point of view of a random street gang would probably +be a lot like the film "Predator" + ―come-on-now-please, Apr 2016 +% +Art is how we decorate space; music is how we decorate time. + ―aclayhutchings, Jan 2015 +% +Due to the evolution of bacteria with respect to our bodies natural defense +mechanisms, traveling forward in time could kill you, and traveling back in +time could kill everyone. + ―ickee, Jan 2016 +% +When I bake bread, I give thousands of yest organisms false hope by feeding +them sugar, before ruthlessly baking them to death in an oven and eating their +corpses. + ―Hq3473, Oct 2016 +% +The star wars films are set mainly in outer space yet they've never once shown +a zero gravity scene. + ―jabbapage, Mar 2016 +% +The Viagra commercial says "make sure your heart is healthy enough for +sex". That's a really deep question if you think about it in a more +metaphorical way. + ―OneEyedCharlie, Oct 2016 +% +You know it's time to check your bank account when you're too afraid to check +your bank account. + ―bogidyboy, Mar 2016 +% +You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child + ―youstinkbitch, Jul 2015 +% +In my life I've purchased at least 50 cans of WD40, right now I can locate +two, I've never thrown one away, and I have no idea where the rest went + ―EngineerBoy00, Aug 2016 +% +3G used to be the best thing going. Now, when my phone's indicator says 3G, it +pretty much functions like I have no signal at all. + ―tekhnomancer, Sep 2016 +% +The movie Snowden should be leaked online before it gets released in theaters. + ―Suporia, Sep 2016 +% +Your future self is watching you right now through memories. + ―Zwall_, Sep 2015 +% +The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just +happened and they’ll instantly start celebrating. They have no idea what the +context is, they're just always ready to party. + ―[deleted], Aug 2015 +% +Porn sites should enable sorting by the number of people who left the website +after watching the video + ―Offjacker, Aug 2015 +% +Vampires only suck your blood for Vitamin D because they can't go out in the +sun themselves. + ―LatherMeInPoo, Aug 2015 +% +If someone told me to transport a $30,000 object that, if mishandled, could +kill everyone around it, I would walk it so slowly and carefully to its +destination. But I drive my car with one hand, while messing with the radio, +going 70 mph. + ―notagangsta, Oct 2016 +% +Cellphones should have 2 passwords for unlock, one which would be for you and +unrestricted.. the other would be for you parents/friends that wouldn't show +awkward applications/photos + ―flipmosquad, Aug 2015 +% +It's a little ironic that my "lazy" clothes, are the exact same as my gym +clothes + ―Stallsy, Sep 2016 +% +If someone tells me they're dumb, I assume they're smarter than they think, +but of someone tells me they're smart I assume they're dumber than they think. + ―augustprep, Oct 2016 +% +I don't appreciate the time that I don't have a cold nearly enough as I +should. + ―cynthiadangus, Dec 2015 +% +If Google matched people up by their browsing history, it could be the +greatest online dating website of all time. + ―hobbitfeets, Jun 2016 +% +The first immortal creature will probably be a lab rat + ―Rolling_Times, Oct 2016 +% +Students are stereotypically viewed as being lazy, but I worked ten times +harder as a student than I do in my career now + ―autonova3, Sep 2016 +% +Waking up with a hangover is like rebooting in safe mode. The main functions +still work, but it's impossible to get anything else done. + ―damndudewtf, Mar 2016 +% +There should be a website where you can sign up and swap your Halloween +costume with another person every year to save yourself money. + ―gouldsplosions, Nov 2015 +% +During childhood, we are told that jokes about the genital areas are adult +content, but once we become adults, these jokes are considered "childish". + ―youraverageiranian, Dec 2014 +% +Barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was finally invented. + ―twilkezz, Jun 2016 +% +Best thing about the Panama Papers scandal so far is that its name doesn't end +in "gate". + ―andudud, Apr 2016 +% +Whenever I type 'etc...' It usually means I'm completely out of examples. + ―darrenphillipjones, Apr 2016 +% +My way of flirting is looking at the person I'm attracted to and hoping +they're braver than I am. + ―Kriss_Snow, Oct 2016 +% +Wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and everyone would just be +proud of me. + ―macaronithemagicpony, Jul 2016 +% +If you had $1 for every year the universe has existed (approximately 13.8 +billion years). You wouldn't even make the top 50 on the Forbes list. + ―jbdew14, Sep 2016 +% +I am a much better proofreader the moment after I post something than the +moment before. + ―SirHerald, Jun 2016 +% +If organized crime started printing high quality counterfeit college textbooks +and then sold them at cut rate prices, it would be a really good public +relations move. + ―jesusfriedmycarnitas, Jun 2016 +% +Amazon should have an option to donate money to get you over the free shipping +threshold. + ―bushleague11, Sep 2016 +% +From the mouth of my 8 year old son: "When you think about the future, your +mind is time traveling." + ―Laborum, Mar 2016 +% +Hundreds of people put thousands of hours of work into a project, just for me +to watch two minutes of it on Netflix then say "Ugh, nevermind." + ―poopedinthechili, Mar 2016 +% +There exists a set of finite actions that, if I performed them in the correct +order, would make me a millionaire in a day. I just don't know what they are. + ―i_like_yoghurt, Jun 2016 +% +Food doesn't really go 'bad' something just starts eating it before you do. + ―olafvonstrudel, May 2016 +% +If Google Maps added 5 minutes to every time estimate on directions millions +of people would be on time for things. + ―bthoman2, Jun 2016 +% +Europeans may have introduced Smallpox and decimated Native Americans, but +Native Americans introduced Europeans to tobacco, killing many more over the +subsequent 500 years. Well played, Natives. + ―BastardofStark, Mar 2016 +% +If Katniss and Peeta from "Hunger Games" were Hollywood celebrities, their +supercouple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss + ―beinagrind_i_skapnum, Nov 2013 +% +Reddit is the only place where I've learnt to not trust the article headlines +and instead expect a stranger in the comments to tell me the truth + ―TurkeyTurrds, Oct 2015 +% +If people who hate minions subscribe to /r/MinionHate, it fills their front +page with even more minions. + ―WADERMELON, Aug 2015 +% +The laugh track in "How I Met Your Mother" would make more sense if it were +two kids laughing, rather than a studio audience. + ―alex_jo, Oct 2016 +% +I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time +ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not. + ―firkin_slang_whanger, Apr 2015 +% +The iconic Alien is to us what we are to apes: small, pale, big headed, and +with unfathomable technology. We even abduct them for medical experiments. + ―Deejer, May 2014 +% +An "unlimited minutes per month" phone plan really only gives you 44,640 +minutes per month at best + ―bubscuf, Aug 2016 +% +Wherever a fatal car crash or pedestrian death occurs, a red square with the +year of the accident should be permanently included in the pavement. Seeing a +lot of red squares in a given location would make drivers and pedestrians more +careful. + ―KubrickIsMyCopilot, May 2016 +% +We use sex to sell everything. We arrest those who buy and sell actual sex. + ―HolloH, Jun 2015 +% +We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn't need to look at watches. Now +we put mobile phones in our watches so we don't need to look at our mobile +phones. + ―darkdoggy, Dec 2015 +% +We need a Boy Scouts for adult men. I'd love to go camping, hunting, & +fishing and learn about nature with like-minded individuals. + ―ShaolinMaster, Apr 2015 +% +Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day's worth +of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full +screen and pretend like I'm working. + ―peacesreese, Jun 2015 +% +If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it +won't feel like you are alone anymore. + ―aaneton, Aug 2015 +% +I'm so afraid of commitment that when choosing a default app to open a file, I +always pick 'just once' over 'always'. + ―-n0x, Jan 2016 +% +Beatboxers must be really good at demonstrating the noise their car has been +making when they bring it to a mechanic. + ―take_me_with_youuu, May 2016 +% +As an adult, I can quite literally do whatever I want to, but I always end up +wanting to just go home. + ―khaleelu, Sep 2016 +% +I've clicked thousands of links on reddit without getting a virus. Yet, my +grandparents can spend 10 minutes on my laptop and get a virus. + ―tell_me_im_funny, Jan 2016 +% +I would pay a lot of money to see every "I was born in the wrong time period" +person put into a reality TV show where they have to authentically live in +that time period. + ―BookerDeWittsCarbine, Jul 2016 +% +I spent my early 20's trying to get new games to play on old computers and I +spent my late 30's trying to get old games to play on new computers + ―credible_hulk, Jun 2015 +% +If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it. + ―Frustratinglyshortna, Aug 2015 +% +Because telescopes work using mirrors, we'll never know if there are any space +vampires. + ―Champs27, Jul 2015 +% +If two pregnant women get into a fist fight, it's like a mech battle between +two fetuses. + ―SPESSMEHRINE, Apr 2015 +% +In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a +baby, and get divorced--and yet I'd still be using the same box of Q-tips. + ―nXanadu, Mar 2015 +% +Nintendo should create a tower defense game where the objective is to keep +Princess Peach from getting kidnapped in the first place. + ―StarManta, Aug 2015 +% +Every year, reddit should take that year's top 12 submissions from +/r/earthporn and turn them into a calendar, and sell it on the reddit +marketplace. + ―-rabid-, Dec 2014 +% +Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by +flying on commercial airlines. + ―H3llShadow, Jan 2014 +% +I sit at work in front of a computer all day just to afford to sit at home in +front of a computer all night. + ―5undo, Jul 2016 +% +As an adult, you can literally do what ever you want to do, I always end up +wanting to just go home. + ―Ftw_dabs69ish, Mar 2016 +% +My phone knows how to route me around an accident miles ahead in real time, +but still hasn't figured out what the hell I'm doing when I pull off the road +into a gas station. + ―robinson217, Feb 2016 +% +I think the worst part about a break up isn't the loneliness; it's knowing +there is someone out there who knows how incredibly weird you are that you no +longer trust. + ―SaidTheMoose, Sep 2016 +% +All males strive to "be the man" while avoiding "being that guy". + ―BaronVonTittySlapper, Aug 2015 +% +The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions is an affirmation of +how unoriginal all my problems are. + ―afkurzz, Oct 2015 +% +As an Adult I think about running away way more then I ever did as a kid. + ―Captblue1, Apr 2016 +% +Growing up, I heard a lot about Anchovy Pizzas. Now that I'm an adult, I +realize that I have never once heard anyone order an Anchovy Pizza. + ―frustrated_pen, Apr 2016 +% +When I unsubscribe from a newsletter and get an email confirming that I've +been unsubscribed, it feels like they needed to be the one to say the last +word in an argument. + ―vahnvite, Feb 2016 +% +I wish I had a Mario Kart-like ghost of myself punctually getting ready for +work in the morning so I’d know if I was running late. + ―seemarakesh, Oct 2016 +% +When I'm old the fact that I'm older than Google will be really impressive + ―mostinterestingdude, Sep 2016 +% +You aren't actually afraid of being left alone in your house, or in the +forest; You're afraid that you AREN'T alone. + ―TEarDroP414, Mar 2016 +% +Facebook's list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people +I've been avoiding my entire life. + ―eaglesforlife, Nov 2015 +% +I am more responsible with the resources I have in video games than I am with +the resources I have in real life. + ―Old2blue, Oct 2015 +% +I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent + ―ladyoboe, Dec 2015 +% +I'm raising my son on Netflix, and so far he has not been exposed to one iota +of advertising, and has no idea what the 'cool' toys are. + ―SeptemberOf76, Jan 2016 +% +Tamagotchis have been replaced with FitBit. Now we are the thing that needs to +be walked. + ―Burgerstand, Jul 2016 +% +We live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and +furniture polish is made from real lemons.. + ―DominickCosta, May 2016 +% +I can't believe frying pans and pots don't have standardized detachable +handles yet. One handle fits all, and storage would be so much easier. + ―aussierob, Oct 2016 +% +No one has looked at my computer in over 3 years, but I still go incognito +when I watch porn. + ―PM_ME_YOUR_KITTENS-, Sep 2016 +% +Whether you're a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one +of the high points of your day. + ―postmodulator, Sep 2016 +% +Death would be much more terrifying if it was actually possible to live +forever + ―TimeForPoolParty, Sep 2016 +% +If alcohol was classified like any other drug it would be a prime example of +how drugs can ruin your life + ―Aorus_, Jun 2016 +% +People who are goodlooking but have terrible personalities are basically real +life click baits + ―Wyndmusic, Aug 2016 +% +Being attracted to your own flacid penis would be the worst fetish ever + ―Mofman1, Sep 2013 +% +I'm not scared of a computer passing the turing test... I'm terrified of one +that intentionally fails it. + ―Grandure, Sep 2016 +% +My phone, remote, and even smoke detector can warn me of a low battery but my +car doesn't have a fucking clue. + ―dellwood513, Apr 2016 +% +As I grow older, Calvin and Hobbes gets funnier, but Garfield gets worse. + ―RVDean-Ambrose, Sep 2016 +% +At age 30, you've spent a month having birthdays. + ―lolexplode, May 2015 +% +Dippin Dots has been the ice cream of the future for over 28 years. + ―The_Shiva92, Oct 2016 +% +Earth is like a guy who knows exactly where to stand next to a bonfire. + ―Bovice144, Oct 2016 +% +The moral of Rudolph the Red nose reindeer is that no one likes you unless +you're useful. + ―Auvious, Dec 2015 +% +When I don't text people back right away it's because I'm working, busy or +just don't feel like talking at that moment. When people don't text ME back +immediately I think they're either dead or hate me and are purposely ignoring +me. + ―dragoness_leclerq, May 2016 +% +The leather jacket I've been wearing for 10 years has been worn longer by me +than the cow that it came from. + ―Firework_Sandwich, Apr 2016 +% +When my parents owned a huge VHS camcorder, they filmed everything. Now that +there's a video camera in their pocket, they film nothing. + ―GlassHouses8, Dec 2015 +% +I'd never lick my dish sponge but I happily rub it all over stuff I eat out +of. + ―BitcoinBanker, Oct 2016 +% +I just realized that whenever I hear a "... walk into a bar" joke, Ive been +picturing the same bar my whole life. I wonder if it exists somewhere or if +its just a mesh of different bars I saw on tv as a kid. + ―forgotaboutsteve, Oct 2016 +% +Every time my wife shows me something on facebook before I see it on reddit I +feel like all of you have failed me. + ―OnlyHereForTheDust, May 2016 +% +It's crazy that's there's this giant thing in the sky all the time that we're +not supposed to look at. + ―robbyking, Aug 2016 +% +I'm willing to spend countless hours perfecting my MMO character but i halfass +my way through real life. + ―ValorCore, Mar 2016 +% +The skeleton isn't inside you, you're the brain so you're inside the skeleton + ―System0falem0n, Apr 2016 +% +The Simpsons has been on the air long enough that I've stopped identifying +with the kids and started identifying with the adults + ―HoserUSC, Nov 2015 +% +Batman is a 1 percenter beating up the mentally ill. + ―delitomatoes, Nov 2015 +% +I used to carry a condom in a particular pocket in my purse. I now carry +stamps in there instead. At some point in the last few years, it became more +likely that I'd send a letter than have sex. + ―acoustic_girl, Feb 2016 +% +Between pens and lighters, Bic is making a fortune off of people losing their +products. + ―portuguesesteel, Apr 2015 +% +Nothing says "top of the food chain" like squid-ink calamari pasta: you're +eating another animal, and seasoning it with its defense mechanism. + ―hseidema, Dec 2015 +% +Mosquitoes are like dirty used needles that can fly. + ―CosmosKing98, Feb 2016 +% +Randomly Hearing your favorite song on the radio is more satisfying than +playing it directly from your ipod. + ―rekdrektm9, Oct 2016 +% +While growing up, the Bermuda Triangle seemed like a real threat for a while +there. + ―kiwifruitfury, Jan 2016 +% +Bodies are weird. I can run, jump, wakeboard, do cartwheels, play piano, and +type 90 words per minute, but if I brush my teeth with the wrong hand it's +like time slows down while my brain tries to process what the actual hell is +going on + ―TupperwareMagic, Sep 2016 +% +I didn't exist in your world until you started reading this sentence of mine + ―roblon, Apr 2014 +% +By the end of this century people will start looking up their ancestors on +Facebook. + ―Bumpercloud, Apr 2016 +% +Every time a character dies on a TV show I just feel bad for the actor who +pretty much just got fired in front of us. + ―Doctor_Colossus, Oct 2016 +% +I just now realized the connection between the words "timid" and "intimidate" + ―Why--Not--Zoidberg, Mar 2015 +% +Kanye West is offering a prize to anyone who can guess what Kanye West's new +album title "TLOP" stands for. Kanye West probably doesn't even know what it +stands for. Kanye West is waiting for someone to submit the best title. + ―LA_Ramz, Feb 2016 +% +If your front door has a mail slot, then you live in a mailbox. + ―WisestAirBender, Oct 2016 +% +Victoria is living the dream we all have when we get fired - that the company +that fired us will instantly and fantastically fall apart. + ―cliffordcat, Jul 2015 +% +Google maps should have a "Scenic!" route option for when we're not in a hurry +and just want to enjoy the ride. + ―spikejr5342, Apr 2015 +% +If smartphones had been invented 50 years ago they'd probably have a cigarette +lighter built in + ―AssCalloway, Oct 2016 +% +Two of the biggest problems after a hurricane are not having enough water and +having way too much water. + ―AlexTwice, Oct 2016 +% +When someone tells you to go and do a chore you were about to do anyway, it +makes you about 100 times less willing to do it + ―mrdino11, Oct 2016 +% +I wish I could see a woman that I know is equally as attractive as I am so I +know how attractive I am to the opposite sex + ―BigBeardius, Sep 2015 +% +All porn videos should start with 5 seconds of music to remind me that my +volume is turned up. + ―ChiSoxSider, Jan 2016 +% +It's not a Sunday unless you completely waste it and feel really sad around +8PM + ―Narksdog, Oct 2016 +% +If you wanted to be incognito by choosing the most common first and last name +in the world, you'd really stand out, Mohamed Wang. + ―science_andshit, May 2016 +% +I am more comfortable talking with newer friends because they are familiar +with the newest incarnation of me and hold less expectations. + ―Nymik, Oct 2016 +% +I spent seven hours vividly hallucinating then I woke up and ate the meat of +other animals for energy, now i'm going to do something I don't want to for +eight hours for pieces of paper. + ―Dirtyuniform, Aug 2015 +% +It's hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it's damn near +impossible to win an argument with a stupid person. + ―KoreTen, May 2015 +% +You think you're unique until you have to choose a username + ―High_as_red, Jun 2016 +% +"My two cents" has been in use since the twenties but has never been adjusted +for inflation; opinions are becoming increasingly worthless. + ―CrankyOptimist, May 2016 +% +The laws that we are supposed to be aware of and abide by are so complex that +there is an entire profession dedicated to understanding them + ―teamrango, Aug 2016 +% +I like to think money wouldn't change me; yet when I'm winning Monopoly I'm a +terrible person. + ―aliendogfishman, Jun 2016 +% +Adding an "e" to the end of a word makes it seem old, but adding one to the +beginning makes it sound high-tech. + ―Rappaccini, May 2016 +% +Ever noticed how supervillains are always trying to change things and +superheroes always try to resist the change? + ―ComplexExponential, Apr 2016 +% +Superman's build should be thin and scrawny, because nothing is heavy enough +to offer him a proper resistance workout. + ―themanfromsaturn, Apr 2015 +% +"I sold an hour of my life for $13" doesn't sound nearly as good as "I make +$13/hour." + ―oaktownraider13, Jun 2015 +% +As a kid I thought being able to perfectly reproduce my signature would be +much a bigger deal than it actually is. + ―mintsponge, Feb 2016 +% +A true mad scientist would only destroy half of the earth, since the other +half is the control group. + ―avogando, Jul 2016 +% +What if ghosts don't kill us because then we'd be ghosts and it'd be super +awkward. + ―Inquisitive_Luke, Oct 2016 +% +The idea of a ghost that moans may have been started by children whose parents +were having sex in the adjacent room and denied having heard the sounds. + ―Overwritten, Sep 2014 +% +YouTube should permanently disable ads on Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You +Up' so the joke isn't ruined + ―yoloswagrofl, Dec 2015 +% +I hate when people show me YouTube videos but love showing people YouTube +videos + ―TeflonDapperDon, Sep 2016 +% +When Stan Lee dies, all the Marvel movie characters should mention they have +funerals to attend for their postman/doorman/friend/stripclub DJ and then be +very confused when they all show up at the same one. + ―shogi_x, Aug 2016 +% +As an early 90's child, I'm really glad that a 6 to 15-year-old me couldn't +post my thoughts all over the Internet. + ―Mocker-Nicholas, Dec 2015 +% +I would rather watch a blank screen for the duration of an ad than watch the +ad itself. + ―Profisea, Sep 2016 +% +The fact that I can't recognize my co-workers outside of uniform 85% of the +time, tells me superman knows exactly what he's doing. + ―arkhamcreedsolid, Jul 2016 +% +People who ask easily-Googled questions are looking for interaction, not +answers. + ―shorty_cant_surf, May 2016 +% +Having Facebook, there is no more reason to have high school reunions, you +already know what people are up to and you still don't care. + ―ThePittsburgher, Nov 2015 +% +At least Stephen Hawking can have a conversation with his dentist during a +cleaning + ―EastTexasAggie, Jul 2016 +% +Having anti-piracy messages on legitimately bought and legal DVDs is like +lecturing a punctual classroom on attendance. + ―motherstep, Feb 2016 +% +If cats had wings,they'd still just lay there. + ―Cemil55, Oct 2016 +% +Mummies are just upper-class zombies. + ―das_superbus, Mar 2016 +% +Diabetes is one disease where a sugar pill isn't a placebo + ―souravski, Aug 2016 +% +Snoop Dogg has probably been stoned for longer than I have been alive. + ―YaBoyLantony, Sep 2016 +% +If I was a Gotham villain my name would be Earl E. Bird. Id commit crimes at +daybreak because signaling Batman would be pretty fucking hard. + ―TychoKepler, Aug 2015 +% +If I'm a 7 out of 10, that's the same as 3.5 out of 5. I probably wouldn't buy +me on Amazon. + ―good_job_nate, Jul 2016 +% +you know that your game of monopoly starts to escalate when someone asks for +the game instructions + ―Hansmaulwurf550, Oct 2016 +% +A baby is initially in water (womb), then comes to land (born), then crawls on +the body, then walks on four feet, then stands up and walks on two feet. Just +like the evolution from fish to reptiles to mammals to humans. + ―mvsastry, Mar 2016 +% +Using solar panels to power an air conditioning unit is like using the Sun's +power against itself. + ―AMagnificentBiscuit, Jul 2016 +% +The word "Fat" just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of +the word "Eat". + ―dunkm1n, Feb 2014 +% +I never realised how great having no food allergies is. I can go to the store +and literally buy anything without having to check the ingredients. + ―FlandreHon, Mar 2016 +% +If items in a vending machine were all $1 instead of $1.15 or $1.25, I'd be +much more inclined to buy something. + ―cowo94, Oct 2016 +% +in theory, there is a combination of digital 0's and 1's that would result in +a video of me having a threesome with Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Watson. + ―phoenixfire6, Mar 2014 +% +Remember that every corpse on Everest was once a highly motivated person. + ―lukianp, Sep 2016 +% +Silent movies were killed off 80 years ago, but now with gifs I watch more +silent videos than I do those with sound. + ―Delet3r, Oct 2016 +% +Most people are buried in suits and stuff so a zombie apocalypse would be a +formal event + ―discernment, Dec 2014 +% +I wonder what my dog named me + ―SOMEguysFRIEND, Oct 2014 +% +1984-2000 seems a very long time compared to 2000-2016. + ―the_ordertaker, Jul 2016 +% +Considering how there's no traces of humans in the film, the Lion King could +be set in any era. It could be the bronze age, 21st century or a cyborg future +where humanity has gone extinct. + ―actually_crazy_irl, Feb 2016 +% +As a child I was excited when the door bell rang...as an adult I pretend I'm +not home. + ―Steel_Slinger, Oct 2016 +% +While Apple's new campus is being built, I wonder how many jokes have been +made about "installing windows" + ―switchtrip16, Feb 2015 +% +Zombies should be naked from the waist down. All of that weight lost to +dehydration and rot would cause their pants to fall down. + ―Half-bred, Jan 2016 +% +Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going. + ―tquo, Sep 2016 +% +I really want marijuana to be legal, but only because I'm tired of grading +terrible student papers about how marijuana should be legalized + ―kidneys_included, Oct 2016 +% +If you're over 30, you were alive before every dog in the world. + ―jleonardbc, Apr 2016 +% +You know shit just went down in a tv episode when they show the credits with +no music + ―-I-am-jack-, May 2016 +% +Microwave ovens need a 'Midnight Snack' button that disables the dings and +beeps. + ―himejirocks, Jun 2016 +% +When you buy a washing machine it should come with a laundry basket that +indicates how much can fit into the washing machine. + ―Muchachi, Jun 2016 +% +Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 70 +mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still. + ―FourWordReplies, Sep 2016 +% +If a World War 3 happens, it would get really awkward online as we are able to +talk with our enemies + ―HowManyLettersCanFi, Jan 2016 +% +I have arrived at the time in my life where 100$ is barely anything to +receive, but way too much to give. + ―Dreamlite, Sep 2016 +% +We probably can't blow ourselves because the dudes who could naturally fell +out of the gene pool. + ―recursionoisrucer, Jul 2016 +% +Weird Al Yankovich has managed to remain culturally relevant far longer than +most of the people he's parodied + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to +feel like teenagers. + ―ksnid3r, Oct 2015 +% +Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay +the main quest story mission + ―arthurmauk, Feb 2016 +% +What if all the Ancient Greek sculptures are actually victims of Medusa? + ―Sindel_, Apr 2016 +% +I'll consider myself successful when I no longer dread looking at my bank +account. + ―mflboys, Sep 2016 +% +Bruce Wayne's parents being murdered was the best thing that ever happened to +Gotham + ―KidMemphis_IV, Aug 2015 +% +This subreddit is one of the few I can thoroughly enjoy without ever opening +the posts. + ―benjancewicz, Jun 2016 +% +The radio in my video game has a greater variety of music than the one in my +car. + ―EggsundHam, Jun 2016 +% +Becoming an adult is watching Home Alone and wondering how the parents +afforded the house. + ―TomTheJester, Aug 2016 +% +Homeless people should relocate to local Best Buy, Toys R Us, Walmart +locations for the holidays. Get line for Black Friday. Then sell their spot in +line on Thanksgiving night. + ―Drowfire, Nov 2015 +% +The saying "9 to 5 type job" needs to be updated to "8 to 5 type job" for a +more accurate reflection of what working in Corporate America is like. + ―ifurmothronlyknw, Jan 2016 +% +I bet people who work at the Patent Office spend a lot of time wishing they +thought of that. + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +I recognize click bait almost every time, but still want to know what that +child celebrity looks like today. + ―jeego82, Oct 2016 +% +Siri or Cortana should say "uhm..." "uh..." "hm..." instead of showing a +buffering animation. + ―EverydayImShowering, Oct 2016 +% +This would be the absolute perfect time to actually rob Ryan Lochte. + ―ottsteve, Aug 2016 +% +The older I get, the more I pity the people who say that high school was the +best years of their life + ―actually_crazy_irl, Sep 2016 +% +Now that I'm older, I realize the joke isn't that Squidward hates his job, but +that SpongeBob loves it. + ―Brickspace, Feb 2016 +% +I'm lucky enough to live in a country where if I hear an air raid siren I +expect it to be followed by phat bass and a banging tune. + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +i have never seen a blind person reading a public braille sign + ―portajohnjackoff, Sep 2015 +% +Amazon should have a "Secret Santa" feature, where you buy an item for a +random person who has it on their wish list. + ―MrStudentDude, Feb 2016 +% +Cartoons made me think dog catchers were super common, but now I'm pretty sure +they don't even exist + ―jflem99, Jun 2016 +% +My dog keeps bringing me the same toy. I wonder if that is his favorite toy, +or if he thinks it is my favorite toy. + ―HoIIabackatcha, Jan 2016 +% +All my professors this semester have degrees from Harvard. So I guess I'm +getting a Harvard education. + ―TheArkLuno, May 2016 +% +The moral of the Ugly Duckling is that everything was ok because he was +actually pretty + ―bluon63, Oct 2015 +% +Every car should have a button for a half volume horn so I can beep at +daydreamers at the lights without sounding angry. + ―HippySol, Sep 2016 +% +My dog and I are best friends despite sharing almost no interests. + ―gdeadfan, Jan 2016 +% +I am more willing to go to the 12th page of pornhub than I am to the 2nd page +of google. + ―EnderWiggin3rd, Mar 2016 +% +Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different +language and everyone wants to touch you. This is the life of a dog. + ―SOMEguysFRIEND, Nov 2014 +% +I'm bored when I listen to a song from my personal music library, but when +it's played on the radio I get excited like it's the greatest song ever. + ―Stabler86, Aug 2015 +% +I always lie on those "18 and up" websites that ask for a DOB. Not because I'm +under 18, but because I'm so old, it's a hassle to scroll to find my actual +year of birth. + ―xsp4rrow, Oct 2016 +% +The scroll to find my birth year on websites is getting uncomfortably long. + ―depthandbloom, Jul 2016 +% +My baby only says "baby". This is the closest I'll ever be to having a +Pokemon. + ―mazorca86, May 2016 +% +Burglars must hate baby-proofed houses. Trying to rummage through drawers and +cabinets? Can't get them opened more than an inch. Television bolted to the +wall. Trying to sneak stealthily from room to room? Goddamn baby gates. + ―otterhilarity, Oct 2016 +% +The first eighteen years of your life are like a free trial, and after that +it's pay to play. + ―Fuckminsterfullerene, Jul 2015 +% +My 15 year old self would be appalled to hear how many times I've chosen sleep +over sex. + ―lochstimpson, Jul 2016 +% +I'm a virgin. If i donated sperm the babies would technically be born of a +virgin. + ―Xtinguo, Mar 2016 +% +I swallow my own saliva hundreds of times a day, but the idea of spitting into +a cup and drinking it makes me gag. + ―CrumbledFingers, Oct 2015 +% +If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he +just buy dinner + ―Sushi_love, Feb 2016 +% +If Hell is real, mine would involve someone following me around telling me to +do things that I was already about to do.. + ―hambonekneeslap, Sep 2016 +% +We never wash our belts, but they are the first thing we touch after wiping +our butts. + ―r_il, Oct 2016 +% +"It's not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people +involved in pyramid schemes + ―uglypanda237, Sep 2016 +% +If you rip a hole in a net, there's actually fewer holes in it than it was +before + ―UtbildadNinja, Apr 2015 +% +The older I get the more I envy Homer Simpson. He owns a 4bd house, has a +loving and supportive wife, and job security. + ―Zeyn1, Jan 2016 +% +"I work for one of the richest companies in the world" sounds a lot better +than "I work at Walmart" + ―caseystrain, Jun 2015 +% +Cats are the type of animal that, if they could, they would correct your +grammar. + ―ChiefBigwilly, Aug 2015 +% +The share button on reddit should say "Spreddit" + ―xgalexyx, May 2014 +% +Nightmares are fucking weird. Your brain is the author, viewer and cinema of a +horror movie whose script is probably written as you are viewing it. + ―instantpowdy, Oct 2015 +% +Given that Deadpool is aware he is in a comic/movie, the best commentary track +for the BluRay would be Deadpool watching his own movie. + ―WombleArcher, Apr 2016 +% +Never in my entire life have I been naked for 24 hours straight... + ―SwamiJesus, Mar 2016 +% +Google maps should have a "on the way" feature to find the most convenient gas +station, Starbucks, or whatever along the route to your destination. + ―joebobmcgeeman, Sep 2014 +% +Tapes had "A" and "B" sides so it only made sense to transition to "CDs" + ―duffmancantbreathe1, Sep 2016 +% +Scary movies should put high pitched sounds only dogs can hear so your dog +will start acting crazy for (seemingly) no reason at the scariest parts. + ―mack1128, Oct 2015 +% +When you're a kid, staying up late makes you feel like an adult. When you're +an adult, staying up late makes you feel like a kid. + ―bigandz, May 2016 +% +As someone with a bad memory, I wish I could Google things that happened in my +life. + ―MN_Pups, Jul 2016 +% +"Remind me to ________" is just another way of saying, "If I forget, it's your +fault too". + ―JPree, Oct 2016 +% +You never realize how few original Christmas songs there are until you work in +retail and have to hear the same 6 songs sung by 10 different people in a 4 hr +shift. + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +When you step onto asphalt, you are standing on a nearly unbroken web which +extends over almost the entire continent + ―kenyonsky, Mar 2016 +% +Casinos should play monopoly with actual money + ―Billobatch, Dec 2015 +% +If anything terrible should ever happen to Weird Al, God forbid, there should +be a tribute concert where artists perform Al's versions of their songs. + ―stactup, Dec 2015 +% +Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex +Trebek questions that he always gets right. + ―BaconSheikh, Nov 2015 +% +In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment. + ―drake_n_bake, Aug 2016 +% +Since the Death Star is the size of a small moon, Obi Wan and Luke were very +lucky that they docked close to the things they needed to accomplish + ―pjdurst, Apr 2016 +% +For Halloween, SnapChat should add a person standing in the background only +after you take the picture. + ―moonman1324, Oct 2015 +% +My dream last night had a plot twist. I "created" the plot twist, yet didn't +see it coming... + ―madezra74, Feb 2016 +% +Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi are pretty pale for living on a desert +planet with two suns. + ―NomTesler, Jul 2016 +% +Imagine if humans reproduced like plants. The man would be out in the open, +naked, then bees would come and jack him off and carry his sperm to the woman. + ―that_introverted_guy, Oct 2016 +% +Reddit is like riding a bus. Everybody is talking at the same time so you +can't make out anything good and on the rare occasion you hear someone talk +about something interesting, that you could contribute to, it is too late and +that part of their conversation is over. + ―Theraininafrica, Aug 2015 +% +When I turned 10, I realized how dumb everything I said as a young child +was. When I turned 20, I realized how dumb everything I said in my teens +was. Now I'm realizing why old people don't talk much. + ―tgoodri, Aug 2016 +% +If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your +manufacturer’s warranty is over. + ―mianusman11, Sep 2016 +% +Urban Dictionary is nice, but I could really use an Urban Thesaurus. + ―clarkbarniner, Apr 2016 +% +The poor poor mods of almost every sub are going to have Star Wars spoiled for +them + ―Im_not_Spiderman_, Dec 2015 +% +If your house burns down, there is probably a point where some food is +perfectly cooked before it's over. + ―Guenta, Feb 2016 +% +I wonder if the person who fired Victoria will post about it in /r/TIFU? + ―franchise235, Jul 2015 +% +After clearing your browser history, there should be an option to have it +filled with random 'normal' websites, instead of it being all empty. + ―YabbilyDoobily, Jul 2015 +% +The Assassin's Creed series is going to run out of time periods where it's +normal to have large piles of hay lying around. + ―davpurr, May 2015 +% +75% of reddit going dark means this is probably my best chance of ever getting +to the frontpage + ―JeLoc, Jul 2015 +% +I would watch the shit out of a show called "How It Used To Be Made" about how +people in different historical periods used to make things. + ―Ellikichi, Aug 2015 +% +The % of battery left on my phone at the end of a work day directly correlates +to the % of work I did during said day + ―P_apps, Aug 2015 +% +If the app store had a "try before you buy" feature, I'd probably buy a lot +more apps + ―Fatkin, Sep 2016 +% +It’s socially acceptable to talk about how reliant and addicted you are to a +drug as long as that drug is caffeine. + ―roseygrl98, Sep 2016 +% +I don’t necessarily work ‘better under pressure’, I just literally will not +work until I am under the extreme pressure of time constraints created by my +own unnecessary procrastination. + ―captainsquidshark, Oct 2016 +% +In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife. + ―pleasantreddit, Jan 2015 +% +Snapchat is ruining all the progress we made on getting people to take +horizontal videos + ―spaceman_sloth, Jun 2016 +% +It's strange that the adoption process is so strict and rigorous; and yet any +two people can produce a baby with no regulation whatsoever. + ―JaseAndrews, May 2016 +% +I can search the entire Internet faster than I can search my computer + ―HumanityZero, Nov 2015 +% +If aliens come to earth, we have to explain why we made dozens of movies in +which we fight and kill them + ―sKnochenbrecher, Jul 2016 +% +As someone who was born well after Nixon's Presidency, I have learned more +about him through Futurama than anything else. + ―Knot4Every1, Jun 2016 +% +Now that I'm 25, I'm finally old enough to play a high schooler on TV. + ―which_tab, May 2016 +% +My resume is really just a list of things I hope I never have to do again. + ―Cauterberri, Mar 2016 +% +A cell phone doesn’t seem that heavy till you drop it on your face while +laying down. + ―JackCrow1995, Sep 2016 +% +Outer space is 50 miles up. Canada is 200 miles north. I'm closer to outer +space than I am to Canada. + ―_dusklight_, Dec 2015 +% +Technology didn't make our society shittier, it just exposed all of the shitty +things in our society. + ―PuppiesAndTea, Dec 2015 +% +When I lost a tooth as a child the Tooth Fairy brought me a dollar. When I +lose a tooth as an adult the Tooth Demon takes away $1,000! + ―jaspersurfer, Jun 2016 +% +The speed of light is 186000 miles per second. My car is 8 years old and just +hit 186000 miles. So it took my car 8 years to travel as far as light does in +a second. + ―The_Faceless_Lion, Apr 2016 +% +Bear Grylls should take the spoiled rich kids from MTV's My Super Sweet 16 to +live in the wild and name the show "Grylls Scouts" + ―muffhug, Jan 2015 +% +There are seven year olds in America who have never had a white president + ―get_ripped_boy, Feb 2015 +% +I've used my driver's license more to buy alcohol than to prove I'm a +registered driver. + ―Schindlerz-Fist, Oct 2015 +% +I find it so hard to think "sassy" or "rude" little children are cute. Because +I know they are just mimicking their parents who are probably major assholes. + ―Ennyui, Jul 2016 +% +As an adult, I no longer masturbate because I'm horny. It's either to relieve +stress or because im bored. + ―Ssttaavvii, Sep 2016 +% +Phone numbers in movies should be real numbers that just play commercials for +upcoming movies by the same studio + ―BedWedOrBehead, Mar 2016 +% +If opposites attract, I should be dating a gorgeous, billionaire supermodel +that has a loving family. + ―oppleTANK, Jul 2016 +% +Despite being an "island", Antarctica has no south coast. Only one big North +coast. + ―Itanagon, May 2015 +% +If I save up all my dryer lint, I could spin it back into yarn and knit myself +a sweater that's the average color of my entire wardrobe. + ―Tommy84, Jun 2015 +% +I don't text or call people. I'm paying $70 a month to look at memes on the +go. + ―Predatormagnet, Jun 2016 +% +The engineer who invented automatic doors is eternally the greatest gentleman + ―IndigoMonica, May 2016 +% +I hope that when Donald Trump dies he gets cremated and the guy working the +oven says "You're fired" and laughs. + ―Toxic_Axon, Mar 2015 +% +When I'm in a hurry every slow or easy going driver pisses me off. When I'm +not in a hurry every aggressive driver pisses me off. + ―metallidog, Mar 2016 +% +They should stop selling razors by gender and start selling them by which part +of the body you are shaving. i.e. Groin razors, face razors, leg razors + ―Rhin0Bug, Jul 2016 +% +When I get in my car, I'm always surprised how loud I liked to listen to music +yesterday. + ―YouFuckingJerk, Jul 2016 +% +Your stomach thinks all potato is mashed. + ―MayoFetish, Oct 2013 +% +Family guy should have hidden a bunch of different kids that looked like +Quagmire in each episode. + ―m12123, Aug 2016 +% +If my boss handed me my hourly wage in cash every hour I'd probably appreciate +my job a lot more + ―11181514, Oct 2016 +% +The older I get the more I realize, the professional world is extremely +unprofessional. + ―tweeblethescientist, Feb 2016 +% +There should be a Tinder for friends. I don't care about getting laid, but I'd +really like a friend to play board games or go hiking with. + ―aggibridges, Apr 2016 +% +"Taking candy from a baby" would actually be a responsible thing to do. + ―u8eR, Mar 2015 +% +For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 +AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep. + ―mac-0, Mar 2016 +% +I haven't heard a damn thing about acid rain since high school. + ―LandPirateDude, Feb 2016 +% +I will be remembered by less people than a gorilla when I die + ―mourato, Aug 2016 +% +Humans spend the first 18 (or more) years of their lives getting caught up to +speed about what the other humans have been doing for the past few thousand +years + ―shbababa, Mar 2015 +% +If my data is used to stream an advertisement I should get paid for it. + ―Kuugjuaq, Sep 2016 +% +The human body is really quiet for everything it does. + ―toasterdisciple, Sep 2015 +% +Whenever someone talks about a sexual experience on Reddit I always imagine +the people involved as being really hot, but they're most likely not at all. + ―phizzman, Jul 2016 +% +I just got a book (made of tree) and put it in gift wrap (made of tree). Then +I wrote a card in pencil (made of more trees) to put it in an envelope +(another tree) and put it all under a goddamned TREE. + ―BenjiBenjiB, Dec 2014 +% +The fact that since our skins weren't warm enough, we stole the skins of other +animals and wore them instead, is pretty creepy. + ―aerovistae, Jan 2016 +% +Anyone notice the irony behind "hyphenated" and "non-hyphenated"? + ―IwishIwereaPineapple, Jan 2015 +% +Big supermarkets should have baskets placed around the store for that moment +when I realize I can't carry another thing and should have got a basket + ―newversion2_0, Aug 2016 +% +If Homer Simpson were a Democratic congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he'd be +"Homer Simpson (D-OH)". + ―Nulono, Dec 2013 +% +I'm quitting smoking because my niece told me that she wants me to "be around +as long as possible". If I get hit by a bus tomorrow I am going to be so +pissed off that I fell for her sentimental crap. + ―jmk4422, Aug 2015 +% +Of Course France Would be the First Country to Actually Have a Fashion Police + ―ring_bear, Aug 2016 +% +The witches from Sabrina having a cat called Salem is like a Jewish family +with a cat called Auschwitz. + ―OldMikeyboy, Mar 2014 +% +Never once have I sent an email from my iPhone and thought, "I should tell +this person that I sent this from my iPhone." + ―alexandergunther, Aug 2016 +% +The only reason that "shower thoughts" is even a thing is because showering is +one of the very rare times that it is impossible to have your face buried in +the Internet, thus enabling your capability for abstract and creative thought. + ―AprilLudgate-Dwyer, Aug 2015 +% +Letting your date use your phone charger, even though you're at 25%, is the +21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a puddle. + ―whattheflark53, Aug 2015 +% +Why can't we just have 13 months in a year? 365 ÷ 13 ≈ 28 days in a month, +meaning each month would have four 7 day weeks. It's so perfect. + ―TigTrivers, Oct 2016 +% +Pharoahs convincing people they were gods and that taxes should go to building +the world's largest fucking buildings for them to die in was the original +pyramid scheme + ―Regularoldballoon, Jul 2016 +% +If I was teleported to the middle ages, I'd have no idea how to recreate any +current technology. + ―KassHS, Mar 2016 +% +Every time you clog a toilet you've exceeded someone's expectations + ―Bourbon_hero, Apr 2016 +% +The term ASAP is quite aggressive when used, but when you break it down to +what it actually means it sounds quite reasonable. + ―TheFriendlyRoast, May 2016 +% +I've seen Mars with my own eyes, but not Japan. + ―CGFROSTY, Oct 2016 +% +When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying +for all the free candy you got when you were a kid. + ―planetsalic, Oct 2016 +% +Harry Potter named his kids like some geek who is obsessed with Harry Potter. + ―adeebchowdhury, Mar 2016 +% +If a bigger car implies a smaller penis, and larger shoes imply a larger +penis, then clowns must have massive dicks. + ―lennyoliy, Nov 2015 +% +"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss +people" is a quote that discusses people. + ―ActuallyNotSnoopDogg, May 2015 +% +The average student learns calculus at a slightly younger age than when Isaac +Newton discovered it. + ―meltman2, Nov 2015 +% +When a browser asks "Would you like to remember this password?" there ought to +be a button that says "Only if it works". + ―graaahh, Mar 2015 +% +One day someone will use "I thought I was still in VR" as a criminal defense + ―TurtleInATracksuit, Apr 2016 +% +In the movie Terminator 2, the Terminator and the T-1000 talking on the phone +were two AI machines trying to convince each other that they were human. + ―Deckardzz, Dec 2015 +% +My dog understand several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He +may be smarter than me. + ―RAYMOND_SCOTT, Sep 2016 +% +I love how television has redefined the word 'marathon' to the exact opposite +of physical exercise + ―insomniaca, Mar 2016 +% +When Apple released the iPhone 7, they should have played "Hit The Road, Jack" +in the commercials. + ―6IronInfidel9, Sep 2016 +% +People who don't sleep enough die sooner. People who do, sleep through that +extra time. + ―Kunikaz, Nov 2015 +% +At a 27.44mph top speed, it is illegal for Usain Bolt to run in a school zone + ―swaggermint, Feb 2015 +% +I like reading comments because it's like a conversation between people, but +it's not weird if I just listen and don't add anything. + ―Non_Tompos_Mentis, Sep 2016 +% +Touch-free soap dispensers are pretty pointless if the soap actually works. + ―AbeLincolnsFreckles, Aug 2015 +% +If an asteroid wiped out humanity, burying our bodies far beneath the surface, +under huge pressure and heat for milllions of years, turning us into oil. What +are the chances of intelligent species coming to life, extracting us, molding +us into colorful shafts that pleasure their genitals? + ―neutrns13, Oct 2016 +% +When I watched That 70's Show as a teen, I related to Eric and his quest for +sex and acceptance among his peers. Now, watching as an adult, I relate to +Red's struggle to support his family and his general dislike of people. + ―Andius, Jan 2016 +% +If you would mount garbage trucks with camera's you could weekly update google +maps street view. + ―impreson, Sep 2014 +% +I have no physical evidence that today is Sunday, I just take everyone's word +for it that they've kept count since the first one ever. + ―playitagainzak_, Feb 2016 +% +I have an undergrad degree in math. I wonder how far back in time I have to go +to be considered the world's greatest mathematician + ―pikindaguy, Jan 2016 +% +I don't wish to be rich to have a bunch of fancy things, I wish to be rich so +I don't have to worry about being poor. + ―Spindrift27, Oct 2016 +% +A resume is really just a list of places i don't want to work at again + ―smarterthansheldon, Oct 2016 +% +95% of the time when I think food smells great it's just onion and/or garlic +cooking. + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +In Stuart Little, the Little family walked into an orphanage, looked at ever +child there, and decided on a rodent. + ―mattacular2001, Dec 2015 +% +You know you are no longer a child when getting money causes relief instead of +excitement. + ―Toughguy19, Oct 2016 +% +Seasoned players of Monopoly know the real aim is to get defeated as quickly +as possible to escape the table. + ―Breeze_in_the_Trees, Aug 2016 +% +The only difference between Hoarders and Extreme Couponing seems to be +shelving units. + ―Lord_of__the_Fries, Apr 2016 +% +In Japan, radiation creates monsters (Godzilla) and in America radiation +creates superheroes + ―XCosmicBananaX, May 2015 +% +If today I asked a girl A/S/L and she responded with "?" I would immediately +know she was too young for me + ―MarchChristmasTree, Mar 2016 +% +If there's a mean dog or a wild horse in a movie, they have to train an animal +to act untrained. + ―WaywardChilton, May 2016 +% +By midday browsing Reddit just becomes a game of Which Unclicked Link Sounds +the Least Shitty. + ―ViewAskewed, Aug 2015 +% +Once she hits a certain age, calling a female a "big girl" goes from being a +compliment to an insult. + ―oakleez, Oct 2016 +% +Buying someone reddit gold is like walking around in a store with your buddies +and giving the manager $4 when your friend says something particularly funny +or insightful. + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +Starting task manager is like a parent saying "don't make me get the belt" + ―Bluebybluegreen, Sep 2016 +% +Right now, "Friends" could be rebroadcast as, "That 90s Show." + ―JacPhlash, Feb 2016 +% +If eHarmony is so good why would you need a year subscription? + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +Taylor Swifts "You belong with me" is just a gender swapped 'nice guy' rant. + ―princewinter, Jul 2016 +% +I add "reddit" after every question I search on Google because I trust you all +more than other strangers + ―PseudoStegosaurus, Sep 2016 +% +One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a +kid years later and tell you you're the mom. + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +I have never seen someone write the letter "a" with how it is shown in most +fonts. I have only seen it written as "ɑ." + ―Bruss48, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if my cursor has passed over every pixel on my computer screen + ―LinkinPlayground, Dec 2015 +% +If a burglar broke into my house at night, I'm sure they'd give up after the +fourth baby gate. + ―67_Mopar, Jul 2016 +% +Sometimes I complain about how boring my life is while riding around in a +metal machine that runs on explosions. + ―derpstrike, Oct 2016 +% +Every Facebook memory is a reminder of how dumb I was a few years ago + ―EverydayRamblin, Oct 2016 +% +You don't truly appreciate how good it is to not be sick until you get sick. + ―eliX_au, Sep 2016 +% +The most suspicious thing you can bring on an airplane is a parachute + ―TheMiddleManz, May 2016 +% +The Hobbit was a book about the dangers of greed. The Hobbit films were ruined +because of greed. + ―Fly_By_Orchestra, Jun 2016 +% +Mosquitoes are grossly overlooked as a threat during the zombie apocalypse. + ―Shemp-Howard, Jan 2016 +% +When the older generations says this generation is terrible, they're really +saying they sucked as parents. + ―KushTheKitten, Sep 2016 +% +If my job was to browse reddit I would probably spend less time on reddit at +work. + ―smileedude, Feb 2016 +% +Google maps should have an "I need gas" feature. This button would re-direct +your route through the nearest gas station. + ―btg7471, Jan 2016 +% +If immortality becomes a thing... I'm going to quit my job and become a +divorce attorney. + ―imgonnabeatit, May 2016 +% +Why don't jedis turn off their opponents lightsabers by force pressing the +button? + ―IntensePlatypus, Dec 2015 +% +Botox could be considered a performance enhancing drug for poker players + ―sactomkiii, Feb 2016 +% +Google Earth gives You the opportunity to go and see anywhere in the +world... so what you do? You go and look at your house. + ―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016 +% +When I was a single guy who played video games all the time, all I wanted was +a girlfriend. Now, as a married guy, all I want is to be able to play video +games all the time. + ―johnjalex, Nov 2015 +% +Every home has a smell that you can't smell when it's your home + ―paulalinchen, Aug 2016 +% +Why hasn't anyone strapped some cameras onto a sperm whale? They regularly +dive into the deepest parts of the ocean and supposedly fight giant squids. + ―MordorsFinest, Jul 2015 +% +I'm pretty sure I've spanked my wife more than her parents ever did. + ―jewy33, Apr 2016 +% +Every time a wind farm powers my desk fan, I'm just teleporting wind. + ―frighteninginthedark, Sep 2016 +% +My body probably thinks I'm some super Alpha-Male who eats a lot of high fat +foods and "impregnates" women multiple times a day. + ―WarOnErrorism, May 2016 +% +If there were people who could read minds, they would hear an awful lot of +songs, sung with incorrect words, and likely very out of tune or rhythm. + ―fairysdad, Mar 2016 +% +Whenever I yell at my dog to stop barking, he probably thinks "Awesome now +we're both barking". + ―Rumbledore9, Mar 2016 +% +Whenever I fuck up bad, I just remember that somewhere, an ant just brought +borax laced food back to his queen and killed his entire family. + ―Rufiodies, Aug 2016 +% +When I was a small child, my grandmother showed me love by playing along with +my make believe games. Now that she is older and has dementia it is my turn to +show love by playing along with hers. + ―Flowsephine, Jun 2016 +% +Rio's pollution and water contamination, coupled with the fact that the +world's strongest and fastest human beings have convened there, makes for a +terrifying zombie apocalypse scenario. + ―HockeyZombie36, Aug 2016 +% +There should be a college course where you're REQUIRED to bring your +smartphone to the the exams in order to find answers to the questions (in +topics you've never studied before), because quickly finding information +available online is an important life skill to have. + ―coday182, Sep 2016 +% +Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We +are reverting to the era of pocket watches. + ―SirTickleTots, Oct 2014 +% +I prefer reading dumb comments on Reddit rather then Facebook because I don't +feel sad that my friend are so stupid + ―picklewhisky, Apr 2016 +% +Somewhere out there is a factory that makes dildos. Workers spend long hours +on the dildo machine, toiling to support their families. Quality control +inspectors ensure every dildo is made to spec. Engineers ensure dildo +production is lean and efficient. Managers review quarterly dildo profits. + ―Has_No_Gimmick, Oct 2016 +% +Condoms are one of the most environmentally friendly things invented by man. A +single one has the potential to eliminate the carbon emissions of an entire +human over the course of their lifetime. + ―zoomer296, Apr 2016 +% +Most people's first word of the year is "happy". + ―hyperbolicjosine, Dec 2014 +% +What the hell does a golfer do when they retire? Most people retire then take +up golf. + ―extreme_matt, May 2016 +% +The charity I donated $10 to a few years back has now fully spend my money by +sending me cards asking me to donate more + ―AntarcticSeal, Jul 2016 +% +Going to bed 10 minutes earlier doesn't seem like anything but sleeping in 10 +minutes feels like everything. + ―XFX_Samsung, Oct 2016 +% +The most unrealistic thing about Grand Theft Auto is that the hospital visits +are only $250 + ―kmad, Aug 2016 +% +Saying "I've lost the stylus for my tablet" would have also made sense 2000 +years ago + ―That_Guy_But, Apr 2015 +% +If you're no longer covered by your parent's health insurance, your +manufacturer's warranty is over + ―hexagonz, Sep 2014 +% +New Horizons traveled 3 billion miles to Pluto before Tool was able to +complete a new album. + ―saxman76, Jul 2015 +% +There should be a TL;DR on terms and conditions + ―Pgrol, Oct 2016 +% +They should remake shitty movies instead of good ones. + ―ChuckBronsoncomedy, May 2016 +% +I have never seen a plus sized male model + ―infectedzombieguy, Feb 2016 +% +Every time I check my pockets for my wallet, keys, and phone, I do 25% of the +macarena. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar, and now The Martian are all about saving +Matt Damon + ―KingKrampas, Oct 2015 +% +Dr Seuss would have had a hell of a time trying to write his stories with +autocorrect + ―JustAlexander, Sep 2016 +% +How is it that facebook can recognize faces, cars can almost drive themselves, +but the vending machine still can't read my dollar bill if it has a wrinkle? + ―SlyFoxC, Oct 2016 +% +Parents spend the first 20 years scaring their kids into not getting pregnant, +and the next 20 wondering why they won't. + ―[deleted], Jul 2015 +% +It must suck to be a butterfly on super windy day. "Oh, I guess I'm going this +way now." + ―PantherLack, Jul 2016 +% +Maybe instead of thinking "if you can't handle me at my worst you don't +deserve me at my best", you should think "You were with me at my worst so I +want to give you my best." + ―crazycatlady42, Aug 2016 +% +IMDB should have a "can be confused for" section for actors. + ―InspecterJones, Mar 2016 +% +In the last 5 years, I've gone from thinking "Please don't hit me" at +approaching traffic as a pedestrian to "Go ahead and hit me, I don't want to +work anymore." + ―Lord_Snow9899, Aug 2016 +% +If horses were carnivorous. They'd be fucking terrifying. + ―Aman3003, Jan 2016 +% +On Reddit you're never sure if you're talking to a world expert in their field +or a 15-year-old boy + ―The-Potato-Lord, Jun 2016 +% +If you've had sex with less then 12 people, then having sex with you is a more +exclusive club then walking on the moon + ―Gummy4, Mar 2016 +% +There should be a reverse-Yelp that warns businesses about shitty customers. + ―ben123111, Oct 2016 +% +I can readily find videos of people being brutally beaten and murdered on +youtube but if I use 30 seconds of a song my account gets terminated. + ―t3hPoundcake, Mar 2016 +% +I'll give a million dollars to the man who can do something about +motherfucking webpages moving an inch just before I click something so I hit +the wrong link. + ―Miles_Prowess, Jun 2016 +% +Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice. + ―followmylied, Jul 2016 +% +The laugh track in "How I Met Your Mother" would make more sense if it were +two kids laughing, rather than a studio audience. + ―medhop, Mar 2015 +% +Breaking Bad could have aired in the year 2000. Walter White never once uses a +computer, Jesse Pinkman uses a flip phone, and videos are shared between +characters through DVDs. + ―Inovox, Mar 2016 +% +"Netflix and chill" has to be one of the largest unintentional ad campaigns in +history + ―HS_Highruleking, Oct 2015 +% +Should I trust a pet shampoo that says it hasn't been tested on animals? + ―penguinofspades, Apr 2016 +% +I wonder if, in past times, the space on Earth currently being occupied by my +kitchen was the site of an epic life-or-death battle between two giant +dinosaurs. + ―bubonis, Jan 2016 +% +Two babies born at the same time on different sides of the world would have +different birthdays. + ―ellosmello, Sep 2016 +% +Why does my brain assume that new gadgets are delicate but as they get older +they become stronger + ―Astalapista, Aug 2016 +% +"How It's Made," always showing the assembly line machines, should do a show +on how the assembly line machines are made. + ―MadShepherd, Oct 2016 +% +Instead of a reboot, Ghostbusters should have been Bill Murray in a retirement +home, dealing with the ghosts there. + ―Psyche_Siren, Mar 2016 +% +We should get a notification every time someone attempts to create an account +with our username, so we can feel good about ourselves for getting there first + ―ArkLuno, Aug 2015 +% +The witches from the show "Sabrina" have a cat named Salem. That's like a +Jewish family having a cat named Auschwitz. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +I wonder if the Reddit offices are full of cubicle workers who are constantly +surfing websites about insurance, banking, and other office stuff when they're +supposed to be looking at Reddit threads. + ―Romobyl, Jun 2015 +% +The Onion must be pissed because they can't come up with anything about Donald +Trump that's funnier than his real life. + ―Sir_Bocks, Jul 2015 +% +In FBI shows, cops are incompetent unskilled simpletons who just get in the +way. In Cop shows, the FBI are bureaucratic incompetent simpletons who just +get in the way. + ―Charlie_Juliet, Aug 2015 +% +I need self-tinting glasses, which get darker the longer someone talks to me. + ―bildschirmspiel, Oct 2016 +% +I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, +and then thought "nah". + ―daedriKARMAr, Sep 2015 +% +I wish there was a Facebook feature to "Hide this person for one +month"... Give them a time out for being annoying without writing them off +entirely. + ―harpacticoid, Jan 2016 +% +If we ever end up settling on a planet with low gravity, boobs will stay +perkier much longer. + ―Whodat1225, Feb 2016 +% +The Powerpuff girls get their power from Chemical X, as in the X +Chromosome. Their power is girl power. + ―GreatPierre, Aug 2015 +% +Its odd that PornHub's comment section is less dumb and more friendly than +YouTube's + ―Wolfy21_, Dec 2015 +% +Youtube should have a "Never show me this channel ever again, not even in my +searches" button. + ―Bledalot, Feb 2016 +% +If Stanley Kubrick DID direct the moon landing, he would probably be so +perfectionist he had them film on location anyway. + ―MintSM, Apr 2016 +% +I used to take breaks from work to read Reddit, now I take breaks from Reddit +to do work. + ―flightofthenochords, Aug 2016 +% +The Lego Batman movie will probably be the best reviewed DC film in a long +time. + ―Baconshaman, Sep 2016 +% +What if every country has ninjas, but we only know about the Japanese ones +because they’re rubbish? + ―DJ-2000, Aug 2014 +% +"I make $30,000 a year" sounds totally different than "I will sell you an hour +of my life for $14". + ―Hardlymd, Mar 2016 +% +Netflix revives shows based on how many streams they get. I can't believe I'm +not personally responsible for a Futurama revival already. + ―poopedinthechili, Sep 2016 +% +People go to jail for not paying taxes and then our taxes pay for them to be +in jail + ―L21M, Aug 2016 +% +I wish I could wipe current thoughts from my mind like I can close running +apps on my phone. + ―PotatorAid, Apr 2016 +% +Antibiotics could be considered a performance enhancing drug at this year's +Olympics. + ―fourreeler, Aug 2016 +% +The McRib is the deadbeat dad of fast food sandwiches. It disappears for +months at a time and then we're supposed to get all excited when it shows back +up again. + ―MrCSquared, Nov 2015 +% +Reddit is the only place where I read the comments on a news article instead +of reading the article. + ―PetNature, Jul 2015 +% +R/Creepy should continue to show up on your front page even after you +unsubscribe + ―littlemissstick, Apr 2015 +% +When people don’t sit next to me on public transit I feel both slightly +relieved and slightly rejected. + ―Jack_leon25, Aug 2016 +% +My Facebook password is 14 characters with a capitalized letter and two +numbers... my bank pin # is 4 digits + ―billshakespeare2, Nov 2015 +% +Slow wifi pisses me off more than no wifi at all + ―northerndownpours, May 2016 +% +I would rather click through 10 different websites to find one list than click +through 10 slides on one website + ―Jessie_James, Jan 2016 +% +Fingerless gloves are now perfectly sensible for Pokémon trainers to wear. + ―MongoMango110, Jul 2016 +% +Gorillas don't know any bodybuilding techniques so we have probably never seen +one at full potential. + ―Firvulag, Jun 2014 +% +The most tragic victims of irony are the trees cut down to make copies of The +Lorax. + ―Ghostaire, Jun 2015 +% +The progress bar for 'safe to enter Chernobyl' hit 1% today. + ―ZyklonBae, Apr 2016 +% +I'm not hungry after I eat, horny after sex, or thirsty after a drink. So why +then fuck am I so tired after sleeping? + ―thunderweasel18, Sep 2016 +% +Deodorant companies should stop advertising "last 48 hrs". Some people do +believe that and then they get on a crowded bus. + ―salomont, Jun 2016 +% +Afromans 'Because I got High' taught me more accurate consequences of +marijuana than anything they said in school + ―YeahNah73, Oct 2015 +% +Every picture I take is a "before meth" picture + ―Sundevil13, Oct 2016 +% +I think I've masturbated more times in my life than I've flossed. + ―Hipp013, Nov 2015 +% +The lottery is a great example of how if everyone just pitched in a couple +dollars, how much money could be accumulated to get something big done. + ―Skootchy, Jan 2016 +% +I want to see a movie where machines gain intelligence and go to war with +humanity, only to be defeated when some guy deletes a single semi-colon from +their code. + ―Zorigami, Mar 2016 +% +I wish Jon Stewart would just do a one-hour The Monthly Show with Jon +Stewart. Even if its from his living room and he's wearing sweatpants. + ―dudeman_chino, Aug 2015 +% +If pirates in media today are any indication, 300 years from now children's +shows will have loveable, goofy jihadi terrorist characters. + ―ElZanco, Apr 2016 +% +The White Power Ranger doesn't sound like a character for a kids television +show. + ―Mrben13, Jul 2015 +% +In high school, I was jealous of the girls who only dated college guys. Then I +got into college and saw the guys who only dated high school girls. + ―BrainGoesPop, Aug 2015 +% +I imagine my browser eye-rolling everytime I open a new incognito tab + ―Bennas15, Feb 2016 +% +Since "Finding Nemo" led to a decline in the clownfish population from people +wanting them as pets, Disney should make a movie about elderly, disabled, or +otherwise "less desirable" pets + ―superfunatparties, May 2016 +% +There's a big bag of deadly acid in the middle of my body and I'm supposed to +be totally okay with that. + ―Treeaza, May 2016 +% +Why is Homer Simpson considered a professional failure? He is able to support +a whole family in their own house as the sole earner. + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +I want to see a member of the opposite sex with the same attractiveness as me +so I can see what I'm workin' with + ―Obsessive_Tendencies, Oct 2016 +% +They could replace the entire D.A.R.E. program with single viewing of Requiem +for a Dream, and it would be more effective. + ―Mr_Zero, Jul 2015 +% +If our ISP's cap data, ads should be considered theft. + ―DildoDouchBaggins, Nov 2015 +% +I never realize how explicit my music is until my parents hear it in the car. + ―sms1234, Aug 2016 +% +The average cost of a pack of smokes is approximately 9.05. At last check, a +12-pack of socks at Walmart was $10. Therefore, if I quit smoking, I could put +on, and then throw away, 11 brand new pairs of socks a day. + ―volitant, Mar 2015 +% +No girls on my Facebook feed have posted pictures of themselves dressed as +Harley Quinn for Halloween and I'm pretty sure it's the internet's fault for +pre-shaming them. + ―giantsquid850, Oct 2016 +% +Chat roulette should shadowban masturbating men by secretly connecting them +only to other shadowbanned people. + ―-Mikee, Jun 2015 +% +People who say "money doesn't buy happiness" have probably never had to check +their bank account before buying things like gas. + ―vault_dweller1031, Oct 2016 +% +I would cause gigantic family rifts and break lifelong friendships if I +commented on Facebook like I do on Reddit. + ―Notbritannia, Feb 2016 +% +We should change the official date of halloween from the 31st to the last +saturday of October. + ―SomePoorAfricanChild, Oct 2016 +% +The less someone posts on facebook, the more I think they have a life. + ―hstheay, Aug 2016 +% +What if Earth is like the North Korea of the solar system and all the other +planets are inhabited, but we are kept from the truth, and our world leaders +are viewed as cruel and oppressive by the other planets. + ―A_Disgrace, Sep 2016 +% +I should have grown my hair really long in my 20's, then cut it off and saved +it for use in a custom toupee now that I'm older and bald. + ―MelAlton, Dec 2015 +% +Eminem always worried about his daughter not fitting in because of his +explicit rapping. A clean-rapping father didn't seem to help Jaden Smith fit +in at all + ―MrRykler, Jan 2016 +% +IF YOU TYPE SOMETHING ALL IN CAPS ACCIDENTALLY, you should be able to +highlight said text and reverse it by hitting the caps lock key. + ―LOTRcrr, Jan 2015 +% +The massive amount of gay sex that will happen tonight will have absolutely no +effect on the birthrate in 9 months + ―random5924, Jun 2015 +% +People who say "If you can't love yourself, then nobody can" are indirectly +saying "Nobody loves you" to people with low self-esteem + ―FresherTyp, Aug 2016 +% +Two decades ago, our internet couldn't work without our phones. Today our +phones can't work without the internet. + ―adityadragoniyer, Feb 2015 +% +The NSFW tag doesn't change if I view a post at work, just the angle I hold my +phone when I view it. + ―FamousNameless16, Mar 2016 +% +Once cell phones became prevalent, water balloons went from being mostly +harmless to fairly detrimental. + ―Permanentbarker, Mar 2016 +% +Just hearing that Congress passed a 2000+ page budget bill with 2 days to read +it makes me think they sign legislation like I agree to license agreements. + ―Defreshs10, Jan 2016 +% +Whenever I see/hear someone blaring music from their car, I instantly think +'douche bag'. When I do it, I figure everyone thinks 'there goes a guy with a +great taste in music, what a legend!'. + ―Beerismygame, Sep 2016 +% +Wile E. Coyote is an embarrassment to his species. Coyotes can max out at +roughly 43 mph but roadrunners top out at 20 + ―rainbowdashtheawesom, Sep 2016 +% +A successful marriage ends with watching the other person die. + ―LugerLynx, Oct 2015 +% +From a wookie's perspective, Chewbacca is the handsome rogue and Han is the +dumb sidekick communicating in animal noises. + ―Hrtzy, May 2016 +% +Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few +animals that can make its own custard. + ―x32ssuck, Jan 2016 +% +The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a +scam. + ―Jorogasm, Feb 2016 +% +The more interracial sex we have, the less interracial sex we can have. + ―djoodlesofnoodles, Nov 2015 +% +Gandalf forced a party on Bilbo to get rid of all his food so he wouldn't have +a rotten pantry when he came back. + ―TOMBO-D, Dec 2015 +% +I spend more time staring at my speedometer to make sure I'm not speeding in a +school zone than actually watching for children in the street + ―stagnantgorillafart, Sep 2015 +% +As a 20 year old man I still don't feel confident enough to brush my teeth in +the shirt I plan on wearing today. + ―Greenguy1996, Oct 2016 +% +Every paper towel commercial reminds me that the cleanest solution is to just +not have children. + ―itemforty, Aug 2015 +% +Pandora should have a *"I like this song but not this version"* button. + ―josephalbright1, Aug 2016 +% +I owed blockbuster late fees. My game plan of waiting them out worked. + ―wegotseoul, Mar 2015 +% +I can't believe a James Bond movie didn't come out in 2007 + ―Mischlecht, Jul 2015 +% +Sponges are weird. They're artificial now, but in the past people would pluck +animals out of the ocean and use them to wash dishes and stuff. That seems +like something you'd do in the Flintstones. + ―Gg101, Mar 2016 +% +They should put a tiny message at the end of chapstick tubes congratulating +you for not losing the damn thing. + ―Jabroni0530, Feb 2015 +% +When a pregnant woman swims, she is a human submarine. + ―heavywafflezombie, Jul 2014 +% +Once everybody has a fast 3D printer, sending dicpics is going be a completely +different proposition. + ―Smartnership, May 2016 +% +If 13 year old me knew that 30 year old me was still watching South Park, he +would be so fucking happy + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +I never see the FBI anti-piracy warnings anymore because most of the movies I +watch are pirated. + ―tylerdanger, Sep 2015 +% +Browsing Reddit has made me so accustomed to instant gratification that I find +myself annoyed when I click something that turns out to be YouTube link. + ―MiscUnderstanding, Jan 2016 +% +The date 9/10/2016 is still 9/10/2016 if you rotate it 180 degrees. + ―_kgan, Sep 2016 +% +Most of the time when I lie, it is because the truth takes too long to +explain. + ―oracham, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if, through evolution, rain sounds are "soothing" at night because +there's less of a chance of predators in a storm + ―jonesyjonesy, Oct 2015 +% +The real annoyance with the loss of a headphones jack is that assholes will +feel even less scrupulous to openly play sound in the bus. + ―somebodybutnotyou, Sep 2016 +% +The older I get, the less crazy I think my high school history teacher was for +moving him and his family to New Zealand and starting a farm. + ―S0journer, Sep 2016 +% +/r/mildlyinteresting has more subscribers than /r/interesting, suggesting the +former is more interesting than the latter + ―Gyrro, Aug 2015 +% +“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the +internet + ―ZeusThunder369, Oct 2015 +% +I wish Trey Parker had the time to do a Randy Marsh podcast. I feel like I'd +love to listen to Randy interview celebrities and talk current events for some +reason. + ―mikenice1, Jan 2016 +% +The MythBusters expense report must look dodgy as hell to the IRS + ―noftha, Nov 2015 +% +My standard of living is far greater than that of a king in medieval times. + ―CrunchyChristmas, Jan 2016 +% +Tiger Woods is a terrifying golf opponent, but an even more terrifying golf +location + ―Pastyourbedtime, Apr 2016 +% +Centaurs have two rib cages + ―thetoethumb, Feb 2014 +% +Yesterday my Steam account turned 9 years old. Eventually my steam account +will be older than the people I am playing against. + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +If I'm high enough to think my dog thinks I smoke too much, he's probably +right. + ―OhGodtheAssSpiders, Oct 2015 +% +The guy who made Super Size Me should've done it during a Monopoly sweepstakes + ―HAVE_MRSA, Apr 2016 +% +Based on genital structure, skirts should really be worn by men and pants by +women. + ―Notmiefault, Mar 2015 +% +Teach a Parrot to say Parrot and you basically have a Pokémon + ―ekclone, Mar 2016 +% +Checking the "remember my password" box on a website unchecks the "remember my +password" box in my head. + ―stylistic_, Jun 2016 +% +As a 30 year old father, I'm horrified that my parents were forced to raise me +without Google. + ―duckduckduckmoose, Jul 2016 +% +After centuries of seeing their colonies declare independence, the UK wanted +to try it out. + ―onebigwaffle, Jun 2016 +% +Skipping any links that are videos instead of gifs brings me to a whole new +level of laziness that I never knew existed. + ―TheDopeShowLS, Mar 2016 +% +The reason people ask questions they could easily Google is because they'd +rather have a conversation about it. + ―TheHeroicOnion, Sep 2016 +% +Social media sites should add a "grace period" so if you like the wrong post +by accident, you can immediately unlike it without the person getting a +notification. + ―Koolaidguy541, Aug 2016 +% +Every cell in my body knows how to replicate DNA yet i'm not in on it so i +have to spend hours studying it. + ―loveyouAmerica, Aug 2016 +% +The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look. + ―Maxaraxa, Oct 2016 +% +I've always wanted to be able to hear English and not understand it. + ―voltox3, Mar 2016 +% +Netflix needs a "Never show me this again" button + ―Madmagican-, Oct 2016 +% +I'm positive there is someone out there on Reddit who subscribes to the exact +same subreddits as I do and we would be very good friends. + ―washufeezee, Oct 2016 +% +Our ultimate goal is to make as many people as sad as possible when we die. + ―Sepiac, Aug 2015 +% +If super heroes were real, I doubt they'd spend as much time in 1st World +Countries, like they do in the comics. + ―Jimothy_Riggins, Sep 2015 +% +If Big Alcohol and Big Pharma are the villains of weed legalization, then Big +Snack and Big Water should be the heroes + ―AluJack, Sep 2016 +% +If Steve Jobs was reincarnated into a Chinese family he would be old enough to +be making iphones now. + ―purpledesperado, Mar 2016 +% +I'm an organ donor. If I die tomorrow, my death will be cause for major +celebration for a total stranger. + ―mahler5mahler5, Jan 2016 +% +When I first drank Bud Light, I didn't really like it because I didn't like +beer. Now, I don't really like it because I like beer. + ―TrustyDrusty, Feb 2016 +% +As a kid, I got lectured for only doing the bare minimum to complete a +task. As an engineer, I get paid to do just that. + ―muffinpoots, Oct 2015 +% +After clearing browser history, there should be an option to fill up history +with "normal" websites instead of it just being empty. + ―DVMyZone, Sep 2016 +% +I just had a fajita wrap from Tim Hortons in New Jersey. That's Mexican food +from a Canadian restaurant in the United States. I just ate North America. + ―Sunuvamonkeyfiver, Apr 2016 +% +We were taught as kids to not get in strangers cars or meet strangers from the +internet, and now we literally summon strangers from the internet and get in +their cars. + ―FNFollies, Sep 2016 +% +Most of the sky is actually below your feet. + ―cya-KH, Mar 2016 +% +Netflix is the most successful anti-piracy program ever intiated. + ―Sierraman, Feb 2015 +% +If I ever lose my pinky finger, when children ask what happened I'm going to +tell them that I broke a promise. + ―punnyhuman, May 2015 +% +My present self wants me to do my work later, but my future self wants me to +do it right now. + ―ParadoxWatermelon, Jan 2016 +% +In exactly one month, so many people are going to learn that Steve Buscemi was +a firefighter and helped out on 9/11. + ―marlowned, Aug 2016 +% +As a kid, nothing excited me more than seeing a McDonalds PlayPlace. As an +adult, nothing disgusts me more than seeing a McDonalds PlayPlace + ―porklomeinnoveg, Jul 2015 +% +At the age of 28, my expected lifetime remaining is around 63%. When I see my +phones battery at 63%, I feel like its almost dead. + ―jayson88, Jul 2016 +% +Maybe Flavour Flav wore a clock around his neck so the media couldn't edit his +interviews out of order, so the context is preserved. + ―jai_kasavin, Jan 2016 +% +Zip code should be the first field in address section on web forms so that +City and State fields are automatically populated + ―Jgrnaut_vibe, May 2016 +% +I wonder how many more views 'Never Gonna Give You Up' would have if YouTube +registered a view after only 1 second + ―_Lady_Deadpool_, Jun 2016 +% +In high school, I fantasized about freezing time to touch girls' boobs. That +means I had more faith in me being able to stop time than being able to make a +girl like me. + ―abrakasam, Jun 2015 +% +The last ten squares on the toilet roll should have "This is NOT enough for +the next person!" printed on them + ―isaidthisinstead, May 2016 +% +I wish they'd stop remaking good movies, and instead remake bad movies that +have good concepts so they're better. + ―SkrublordPrime, Jul 2016 +% +At this point, the Grand Theft Auto games would be far more controversial if +they let you play as a law enforcement officer + ―anauthor, Jul 2016 +% +Police should wear red and blue light up shoes for when they have to chase +someone on foot. + ―InukChinook, Dec 2014 +% +Everybody gives the movie "signs" shit for having aliens that invade a planet +that is 70% water and deadly to them, but we are trying to colonize mars and +we can't even breathe on it + ―come-on-now-please, Oct 2014 +% +I don't trust people to genetically 'design' their child because I see what +they do with character creation in games. + ―Slimebeast, Jul 2016 +% +Does a Centaur suck milk from horse nipples or human ones? + ―1337_IT, Nov 2015 +% +The same people that need hours to text me back, are constantly on their +phones when we hang out. + ―Bertperson, Feb 2016 +% +It's not surprising there are forest fires every year considering I'm the only +one who can prevent them. + ―LuckyNumberHat, Apr 2016 +% +As an adult, I'll receive a £300 bill for the front tooth that I lost. As a +kid, I would receive £2 for every tooth that I lost. These were no gifts. The +Tooth Fairy is a Loan Shark. + ―Limmy92, Jul 2016 +% +Reddit is like a drug. It was exciting and fun at the start, now I just do it +because it feels normal. + ―Magstem, Jul 2015 +% +It's pretty rare to use an entire pen without losing it first. On the other +hand, It's pretty common to find a pen already out of ink, so it's a paradox +in a way. + ―Rotwick, Apr 2016 +% +Teslas are so safe that they make headlines every time one crashes. + ―HandymanBrandon, Jun 2016 +% +Do the people who pose in those stock photos in frames just buy those frames +and put them around their houses like "Here's the time I posed for a stock +picture!" + ―Misterpeople25, Nov 2015 +% +Cops are like spiders. They prevent bad things, but no one wants them +around. People are scared of them. Most mind their business and do their job - +but the few which are threatening terrify us. + ―PM_ME_OR_PM_ME, May 2016 +% +Instead of debates, we should give candidates three impromptu essay questions +they have to answer in three hours in 1,000 words or less, and they have to +write it, immediately and live on web cam, with no help from their interns. + ―VonnegutIce9, Sep 2016 +% +Seeing as how both Batman and Ironman's only real super powers are that they +are super rich and very smart, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs sure turned out to be +disappointments. + ―ImmaculateJones, Jul 2014 +% +My brain knows how to type without looking at the keyboard yet I can not draw +a QWERTY keyboard from memory. + ―jseverso42, Jan 2016 +% +Humans can't even co-exist peacefully with their own kind on Earth and somehow +still manage to convince themselves that meeting an extra-terrestrial species +would go smoothly + ―Castiel333, May 2016 +% +Some billionaire should give all their money to charity, start over, and call +it prestiging. + ―yatpay, Sep 2015 +% +Another 4 years and "The Simpsons" will be able to play a different Halloween +episode every day of October. + ―All_Bonered_UP, Oct 2015 +% +The levels of coolness associated with saying "I was in a band" vs "I was in +band, " are vastly different. + ―Steelrain01, Feb 2016 +% +If it weren't for all the bullshit and scandal, I wouldn't even know the +Olympics was happening right now. + ―hoikarnage, Aug 2016 +% +For the first time in history, we have produced a class of poor people who are +more likely to be obese than starving. + ―melancholyspectator, Aug 2016 +% +Having someone's picture as the background of your smartphone is the modern +day equivalent of having someone's picture in your wallet. + ―Amnesiacc, Sep 2016 +% +If you were to walk clockwise around the north pole, 11 miles out, you'd be +stationary and using the earth as a treadmill. + ―BovingdonBug, Feb 2016 +% +I'll bet a lot of Ziploc's annual profit is provided by the illegal drug +trade. + ―ChrisWithWings, Jul 2016 +% +Porn is to sex as WWE is to wrestling + ―AverageJohnson, Aug 2015 +% +Taxes are like a subscription to your Country that you can't cancel, no matter +how bad the service gets. + ―Filer93, Aug 2016 +% +The Olympics should give out platinum medals to anyone who breaks a world +record + ―I_enjoy_avocados, Aug 2015 +% +Is cutting off Mike Wazowski's legs the same thing as beheading him? + ―DKBetiza, Apr 2016 +% +There is no time I have ever thought, 'Oh awesome, iTunes opened itself.' + ―loveCards, Oct 2014 +% +When you buy a bigger bed you have more bed room and less bedroom. + ―DrJekl, Mar 2016 +% +What if planet Earth is the "Noah's Ark" of the Galaxy and that's why we can't +find life on other planets, it was destroyed long ago. + ―drspankinya, Apr 2016 +% +If most murder victims know their killer does it mean every time we meet +someone new it increases our chance of being murdered? + ―IAmBrighty, Nov 2015 +% +When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs. + ―frostykeys, May 2016 +% +I assume all skulls are male + ―hiphopanonymouz, Sep 2015 +% +As a 30 year old, 50 year old people don't look as old as I imagined when I +was a child. + ―akeytoasafe, Sep 2015 +% +Let's take a moment to appreciate that mother nature not only pre-sliced but +also pre-wrapped oranges. + ―NakedBeauty38, Aug 2016 +% +In Spiderman(2002), Peter didn't kill the spider that bites him, so the spider +could've bit anyone else and there will be more than one spiderman. + ―Muazrozlan, Oct 2016 +% +The first person to make popcorn must have been seriously freaking out. + ―alldayerrdaym8, Dec 2015 +% +If kids these days read something about an 8 inch floppy disk, they might just +think it is a typo + ―Baconandfudge, Aug 2016 +% +There are killers out there who find the special type of person out of +billions of people to have a partner in crime, and I still can't find a +girlfriend. + ―_Belmount_, Sep 2016 +% +The saying 'Money can't buy you happiness' should be changed to 'Money can't +prevent sadness' + ―HamBeetus, May 2015 +% +Everyone who I've heard say "don't tell me how to raise my child" was not +doing a good job at it. + ―IWannaBeNumberT, May 2016 +% +My parents spent the first 18 years of my life telling me how unique and +special I was, then spent the rest of my life telling me I am no different +than anyone else and to get a job. + ―Chewyman11, May 2016 +% +The nice thing about pooping at a bowling alley is that nobody can tell who +you are by your shoes. + ―fitzlurker, Nov 2015 +% +Mario Kart GO would be absolute mayhem + ―pm_your_turds, Jul 2016 +% +Teens claiming they were "born in the wrong generation" Because of music being +better in the past were actually born in the only generation with easy and +almost free access to music from past generations. + ―Tadaboody, Jan 2016 +% +I wonder if the new Snowden movie will be leaked before it hits theaters. + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +If there isn't an "upside down" in space, then space battles in movies are +unrealistic when the ships are always upright when they confront each other. + ―rastapasta9, May 2016 +% +"Phone" is one of the least used apps on my mobile phone + ―Crimson___King, Aug 2016 +% +People think it's crazy that an elephant can be scared by a mouse, but so many +people are scared of insects. + ―Ticklemetenderly, Aug 2015 +% +The tone I interpret from a text is the reflection of my own insecurities with +that person. + ―m0nkeyfire, Aug 2016 +% +In culinary school, your dog eating your homework is a pretty legitimate +concern. + ―jimbozinoh, Nov 2015 +% +Internet browsers should wait to ask me if I want to save my password until +after I have figured out if I input the right one. + ―JoshuaCardigan, Oct 2016 +% +Pacman was the first survival game with the undead chasing you. + ―Grendil13, May 2015 +% +10,000's or 100,000's of people all keeping a secret for 50 years that the +moon landings were faked would be a far greater achievement than actually +landing on the Moon. + ―rembic, Dec 2015 +% +Coitus and Fellatio sound like a pair of Shakespeare characters. + ―q_m, Apr 2015 +% +Kim Jong Un is the real life equivalent to Plankton + ―SnapeDiedaVirgin, Aug 2015 +% +The oldest guy in the world breaks a world record every second + ―ghroat, Aug 2015 +% +Ugly Christmas sweaters were only interesting when they weren't intentionally +ugly. Ugly Christmas sweater parties essentially killed ugly Christmas sweater +parties. + ―dave, Dec 2015 +% +People who say "sorry I look like shit, I'm not wearing any make-up" are +literally apologizing for looking like a normal human being. + ―fy29, Feb 2016 +% +If something breaks easily, it's either really cheap or really expensive + ―PinkestPieNA, Jul 2016 +% +"Men are afraid of strong women" is basically "Girls don't date nice guys" for +women. + ―PowerWisdomCourage, Apr 2016 +% +Fifteen year olds on summer vacation are probably the least stressed they will +be until they're retired. + ―fizzlefootie, Jul 2016 +% +One of the best things about Reddit is users don't display a profile photo. We +can judge people on what they say, not what they look like + ―mattbradleydesigns, Sep 2016 +% +In the Deadpool movie, it would be awesome if Deadpool recognized Stan Lee in +the cameo. + ―Vitrin99, Dec 2015 +% +Jumping in video games seems to be a necessary form of movement, yet in real +life we rarely, if ever, jump on a daily basis. + ―Flonny, Jan 2016 +% +People who skip church to watch football probably do more praying than they +would have in church anyway. + ―gbrenneriv, Sep 2015 +% +If an apple a day really kept the doctor away, some scumbag company would +corner the apple industry, and sell them $100 an apple. + ―Richard_Sout, Aug 2016 +% +The cities in skateboarding games are really wheelchair accessible. + ―NatrixBerus, Mar 2015 +% +You know when you tap a YouTube video to see how much longer it's got left? I +wish you could do that to people when they're talking to you. + ―ChiefBigwilly, Aug 2015 +% +If I win the powerball I won't tell anyone, then post a status on Facebook +asking if anyone could help me move some furniture. Whoever offered would get +$1,000,000. + ―adamchain, Jan 2016 +% +loitering is the illegal act of existing while not spending money + ―thegypsyslayer, Oct 2016 +% +The fact that our arms are long enough to reach our genitals is one of the +biggest things we take for granted. + ―igotthepowah, Jun 2015 +% +Old Spice deodorants would make great Hogwarts house names. Wolfthorn, +Hawkridge, Foxcrest, Lionpride. + ―dothebubbahotep, May 2016 +% +If you charge $300 for a textbook and I find a typo, you should cut me a +check. + ―Accidental-Genius, Jun 2016 +% +Han Solo doesn't seem so great when you realize who his real-world analog +would be: A trucker doing cross-border smuggling for drug cartels, who shot a +guy in a bar. + ―KubrickIsMyCopilot, Jun 2015 +% +I can't believe Keith Richards outlived David Bowie. + ―p_noid, Jan 2016 +% +I don't think the inventor of Twizzlers ever actually tasted a strawberry. + ―redemeter, Sep 2015 +% +People used the cigarette lighter socket to light cigarettes, but now they use +it to charge cigarettes. + ―Kirryu, Jun 2016 +% +I wonder if Buzzfeed managers yell at their employees for working on +spreadsheets when they are supposed to be browsing reddit. + ―sdb2754, May 2016 +% +I'm at a point in my life where 100 dollars isn't a lot to receive, but it's a +lot to give. + ―f00f_nyc, Jul 2015 +% +In the near future thanks to self-driving cars, "drunk driving" will mean +waking up on the side of the road somewhere, out of gas because you thought +"Disneyland" was a good destination at 3:00 AM. + ―jpranevich, Aug 2015 +% +Voldemort was 71 when he died and the average life span in the the UK is 80 +years, so had Voldemort not searched for eternal life he probably would have +actually lived longer. + ―geschichte1, Apr 2016 +% +DNA is like the menu at Taco Bell, an endless recombining of 4 ingredients to +achieve a new result. + ―ThinkTankTurret, Apr 2015 +% +If I were stranded on an island with a fully functioning plane and +runway... I'd still be stranded on that island + ―SmilingYellowSofa, Jun 2015 +% +If I had a dollar for every piece of useless trivia I know, I wouldn't have +any money since the trivia is no longer useless if it can earn me money. + ―FortunateGreg, Nov 2015 +% +Light from the sun travelled 93 million miles just to bounce off my penis + ―duerushedr, Jan 2014 +% +We are getting a new Steve Jobs movie every other year because movie studios +know that Apple fans already buy almost the same product every two years +anyway. + ―confusedsquirrel, Oct 2015 +% +I got hit by a train in my dream, and it woke me up. I got knocked conscious. + ―walden1nversion, Sep 2015 +% +If Assassin's Creed keeps going up through time it'll eventually just become +Splinter Cell. + ―lolaiden1, Nov 2015 +% +At age 25 if a friend tells me they're pregnant I don't know whether to say +"oh shit!" Or "congratulations!" + ―sprogger, Jun 2016 +% +If I touch my phone in the right places, a pizza will show up at my front +door. + ―drunk_bird, Aug 2014 +% +I think Mad Max would have avoided a lot of trouble over several movies had he +just invested in a sand colored tarp to cover his car. + ―melvintoast, Mar 2016 +% +If a stranger insults me, I'l probably ignore it, as their opinion is +meaningless. If a stranger compliments me, I'll probably treasure it, as their +opinion is important. + ―Zalthos, Oct 2016 +% +Marriage is one of the few things where we consider someone an expert if +they've only successfully done it once. + ―wehappy3, Nov 2015 +% +The characters on Friends live in Manhattan thorugh 9/11 - and never mentioned +it once + ―ludivico_technique, Sep 2016 +% +I wish I could see all of the pictures I've accidentally been in the +background of. + ―TheDero, Sep 2016 +% +I have spent an entire day not seeing, hearing, looking after or cleaning up +after kids. A day like this would be an unspeakable luxury if I had kids. + ―actually_crazy_irl, Feb 2016 +% +USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails. + ―Fivelon, Jan 2015 +% +Parents are worried about their kids getting drugs in their Halloween candy, +but who in their right mind would give away drugs for free? + ―cheesecleh, Oct 2016 +% +Whenever commercials state that they are using real people and not actors I +think about how insulting that must be to actors to not be considered real +people. + ―Feathers_, Oct 2016 +% +Smoking one pack of cigarettes a day decreases chances of dying of old age + ―MEXLeeChuGa, Mar 2016 +% +Mom always told me when I got older I would realize I didn't need to drink +alcohol to have fun. Now that I am older I realize you don't need to have fun +to drink alcohol. + ―Ryangonzo, Jul 2016 +% +There should be a TV channel that shows failed TV pilot shows that most people +have never seen. + ―Snizzlefry, Feb 2015 +% +The expression "Great Minds Think Alike" is the exact opposite of what we +value great minds for. + ―Calber4, Jun 2016 +% +Being a worm must be awesome. It’s like “man, that dirt was great, I wish +there was more.” And there always is. + ―zanewom, Mar 2016 +% +plus-size models are great, because they're finally showing young people you +don't need to be skinny to be beautiful. you just need an extremely attractive +face. + ―edijakob, Oct 2016 +% +Some of us are still "it" from a childhood game of tag. + ―chudd, May 2015 +% +Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, +is completely acceptable + ―Slim_slug, Jul 2015 +% +Whenever I hear the word "Egyptians" I never think of it referring to the +people who currently live in Egypt. + ―ZeLittleMan, Sep 2015 +% +Cemeteries would be way more interesting if they put the cause of death on the +headstone + ―Drakqula, Jun 2016 +% +The world would probably be a better place if people thought "Is it ethical?" +instead of "Is it legal?" more often. + ―mmmmbeeer, Sep 2016 +% +My daughter routinely comes home from school with 1-2 hours of homework to do +every night. If my boss did this to me I would tell him to shove it up his +ass. + ―compforu, Feb 2016 +% +If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you +know. + ―MasterChefRamsey, Jan 2015 +% +If the population of Earth were only 100 people and one guy tried to hoard 99% +of the money. The other 99 people would simply just kill that guy and take +their money back. + ―[deleted], Aug 2015 +% +As a teen, I was told not to trust anyone on the Internet, not to add everyone +on Facebook, and not to be stupid online. Now, I'm telling my parents the same +things. + ―JediMasterJedi, Jan 2016 +% +My greatest fear is that one day I will Google a question, and the only +results I find are a bunch of assholes in a forum telling the OP "omg, just +Google it". And I'll be trapped in an endless loop. + ―raver6, Sep 2016 +% +Social media has made it possible for me to get drunk at home alone and still +publicly make an ass of myself + ―AbcessiveCompulsive1, Jan 2016 +% +If humans had 100% control of their body's, they'd probably not do anything +but release dopamine into their brain 24/7 + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +What if we actually are living in a computer simulation, and superstitions +like wishes on birthday candles or shooting stars are based on old cheat codes +that have since been patched? + ―Fejsze, Jun 2016 +% +When restaurant staff sing "Happy Birthday" and embarrass you in public, they +are effectively deterring people from asking for free birthday food. + ―Neon_Parrott, Mar 2016 +% +Wrestling is a sport where people who don't wear pants compete for a belt. + ―Vorincl3x, Jan 2016 +% +Reddit is just like my real life: I'm just sitting around listening in on +people's conversations, too afraid to say anything. + ―happytobelonely, Feb 2016 +% +You can't tell anything about a person from their star sign, but you can tell +a lot about someone who believes in them + ―astrowhiz, Sep 2016 +% +You know you're getting old when "Weird Al" Yankovic starts parodying songs +you don't know + ―yoarkiv, Nov 2015 +% +I feel like a pimp taking my son around trick or treating, because I expect to +get a percentage of that candy. + ―jimsjadab, Nov 2015 +% +They should make realistic Gatorade commercials where hungover people try to +drink it without sitting up all the way. + ―SeedofEden, Jun 2015 +% +If spiders traveled around the house like Spiderman travels around a city, +we'd have to exterminate them. Can you imagine how fucking terrifying our +homes would be with spiders swinging from wall to wall? + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +If I ever lose my pinky finger, when children ask what happened I’m going to +tell them that I broke a promise. + ―ulaalaa, Feb 2016 +% +When I think of apples I think of the color red but when I think of apple +flavor I think of the color green. When I think of watermelons I think of the +color green but when I think of watermelon flavor I think of the color red. + ―LiteSh0w, Oct 2016 +% +My girlfriend used to work in the food service industry. I work in IT. When +someone talks about hosts and servers, we think of VERY different things. + ―mister_walker, Nov 2015 +% +There should be a lesbian version of Grindr called Mufflr + ―i_dont_want_to_be_on, Aug 2015 +% +Tinder could pull data on how many people like your profile vs how many who +view it and give you a percentile based off all people of your age and +sex. They could literally tell you if are a 4 or a 9 based on unbiased data. + ―ZowieBowie, May 2015 +% +As an adult, I'm not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought +I would. + ―zaogao_, Jun 2015 +% +The reason I like Reddit so much is because no one from my family uses it + ―Choupina, Aug 2016 +% +If someone ever grabs me by the lapels and frantically asks me what the date +is, I will be sure to include the year in my answer. + ―superbob_92, Sep 2015 +% +According to the Bible, abstinence isn't 100% effective against pregnancy. + ―appealAPPEALapeel, Jul 2016 +% +Today, the girl next to me was doing a good job and I thought in my head, +"She's doing good." Then in my head, I corrected myself: "She's doing well." +Then I remembered we're at a non-profit so this is probably the first time +I've seen both apply. + ―jmwbb, Oct 2016 +% +I should get a tattoo of a QR code, so if somebody finds my body and scans it, +they'll be Rickroll'd. + ―drain65, Jul 2015 +% +My dead dads breath is still in the almost deflated kiddie pool in he +closet. I wonder how often that happens. + ―eagletwentyfox2, Dec 2015 +% +Can we start calling Walruses: Saber Tooth Seals? + ―HillaryBot9000, Sep 2016 +% +Why would anybody buy a bookmark for a dollar when they could use a dollar as +a bookmark? + ―NOTW_116, Jun 2016 +% +I just got married. This is the first time in my life that I've wanted to have +sex with someone with same last name as me. + ―garry0wen, Mar 2016 +% +The name of the band "Gorillaz" is a pun, because a group of gorillas is +called a band. + ―PerpetualCamel, May 2015 +% +If I wore a British flag sweater while in the UK, people would assume I'm a +tourist. If I wore an American flag sweater while in America, they'd assume +I'm a local. + ―son_of_stone, Jun 2016 +% +I wonder if my cat thinks the delivery guy is my owner because He gives Me +food. + ―Reoh, Jun 2015 +% +There should be a website where people can submit tl;dr of legal agreements +for the apps we all use + ―forreal_tho, Jun 2015 +% +If you can't afford a condom, then you really can't afford NOT to have a +condom. + ―hillsfar, Jan 2016 +% +One day you'll either wake up and never go back to sleep, or go to sleep and +never wake up again + ―ihatepepperballs, Oct 2016 +% +Candlelit dinners weren't so special before the light bulb was invented. + ―JayAche, Jul 2015 +% +My wife cries her eyes out at the end of every sad movie, but if we watch the +news about real life tragedies she doesn't even bat an eyelid + ―Yoguls, Mar 2016 +% +Everyone posting on Facebook about how much data Pokémon Go collects seems to +have forgotten that they're posting on Facebook. + ―CurGeorge8, Jul 2016 +% +@'s are just lowercase anarchy symbols. + ―ferval_lankman, Jul 2016 +% +Because we have salt in our sweat, by sweating when we're afraid, we're really +just seasoning ourselves for predators to eat. + ―uneducatedonthetopic, Mar 2016 +% +The only reason I look at a bad driver after I pass them is to see if I can +confirm a stereotype. + ―bommar2, Apr 2016 +% +What if a human bite turns zombies back to normal but no one in the apocalypse +has ever tried it. + ―Goway_Baitin, Apr 2016 +% +Oompa Loompas were basically singing slave songs. + ―Thisismyfifthtry, Aug 2015 +% +TV really made me believe that souffles being ruined would be a frequent +problem. + ―Mveepee, Apr 2016 +% +All single men at a bar, gay or straight, kinda hope all good looking straight +men are gay. + ―fortunatehobo, Nov 2015 +% +If people adopted last names like they did in the past, Jim CustomerServicer +or Matt TeamLeader are just some examples of what aweful things we'd be +called. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +When I kick in $2 for the office lottery pool, I'm not actually looking for a +chance to win…. the $2 is insurance against everyone else winning, and me +being left behind. + ―bertbarndoor, Jul 2015 +% +I once logged out of MySpace unaware of the fact I'll never sign back in + ―antiheromcr, Jan 2016 +% +I bet a heroin junkie could find a needle in a haystack. + ―Future_Canadian, Nov 2015 +% +You know you've officially broken in a new phone when it stops trying to +auto-correct "Fuck" for you. + ―mleclerc182, Sep 2016 +% +9 years ago: didn't own a laptop or smartphone. Today: I'm watching satellite +images from Pluto on my WATCH. + ―MathewReiss, Jul 2015 +% +The Milky Way could well be the galaxy with the most milk in it + ―wbyte, Jun 2015 +% +If someone says they will "google" something in a show or a movie, they +probably aren't getting payed for it. But if they say they will look something +up on Bing, you can bet it's product placement. + ―LordNicht, Sep 2016 +% +I'd hate Spotify ads a lot less if they just played the damn ad instead of +also playing 30 seconds of acoustic guitar before the ads and then playing a +little more acoustic guitar after the ad to let me know that the ad is +finished. + ―RTSUbiytsa, Sep 2016 +% +As a kid, I saw Gordon Ramsey as an asshole who yells at people for not being +perfect. As an adult, I see Gordon Ramsey as a prime example of a person +dedicated to his craft. + ―ChillerDuu, Jul 2016 +% +Jack really dodged a bullet by not eating those beans. + ―_littlekidlover_, Sep 2015 +% +I live in the U.K. My local pub has been a pub longer than America has been a +country. + ―addison92, Sep 2016 +% +Peyton Manning is the first QB to win a Super Bowl with a baby horse team and +also a grown up horse team + ―Fixthe-Fernback, Feb 2016 +% +The most unrealistic aspect of Spongebob Squarepants is that Spongebob and +Squidward both work in fast food, yet are both homeowners with one job and +lots of leisure time. + ―Olivers_Dad, Mar 2016 +% +The more serious a relationship gets, the more casual it is + ―[deleted], Aug 2015 +% +Youtube should have the opposite of a subscribe button that makes channels +disappear from your feed completely. + ―pamperedtomax, Aug 2015 +% +If shadowbanned users could see other shadowbanned user's posts and comments, +it would make for an interesting "underground" reddit community. + ―Couchtiger23, Jun 2015 +% +If I lived every day like it was my last, I would have one fantastic day, but +then would spend every subsequent day being poor and in jail + ―Leftover_Salad, Sep 2015 +% +I wish I could wipe current thoughts from my mind like I can close running +apps on my phone. + ―ChristineAllman, Oct 2016 +% +I won't put my mouth on cow teats but I will drink the milk. I'll put my mouth +on my girl's tits yet would never drink the milk. + ―HeyGirlAreYou18Yet, Oct 2016 +% +You should have an opportunity to donate blood while waiting for someone else +to be treated in the ER. + ―itchyd, Feb 2015 +% +My being afraid of failure has turned me into a failure. + ―Psyche68, Sep 2016 +% +I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is + ―shicky536, Apr 2014 +% +I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all of their free +time. + ―danecooksucks, Aug 2015 +% +The best thing to come from 'Suicide Squad' will be the influx of Harley Quinn +costumes this Halloween. + ―Snowstandards, Aug 2016 +% +If there is a hell, I hope the asshole who invented those "manually type your +resume information into these blank fields" is being tortured the hardest + ―lazarus870, Mar 2016 +% +There is a special kind of sadness when you are about to post something witty +in the comments only to find someone has already posted a better version of +what you were thinking. + ―Deep_sea_king00, Oct 2016 +% +If you showed a medieval person a special effect they'd assume it was +magic. If you showed a modern person magic, they'd assume it was a special +effect. + ―Taswelltoo, Jun 2016 +% +Ice Cube went from "Fuck tha Police" to frequently portraying police in movies + ―retsoper1234, Apr 2016 +% +I pay $5 for a coffee but not $0.99 for an app + ―rprandi, Oct 2015 +% +There was a time when I could masturbate to a drawing of a cleavage in a comic +book, but now I can't even get erect until I find "that" porn video. + ―it_roll, Jun 2016 +% +If enough people in the same area have the same speech impediment it becomes +an accent + ―fibz, Feb 2016 +% +It just occurred to me that duels were most likely scheduled at high noon so +that the sun wasn't in either opponent's eyes. + ―iAmMileyCyrusLefTtit, Mar 2015 +% +When you search "Best SEO (search engine optimization) tutorial", you can +trust the first result. + ―dirtydansie, May 2015 +% +I would be willing to donate blood to the mosquito community, if in exchange +they would stop biting me. + ―megalotusman, Sep 2015 +% +People born on 08/08/08 turn 8 today + ―10d1, Aug 2016 +% +I'm flabbergasted at how our education system managed to find a way to turn +something as fascinating as history into a boring slog. + ―Lemvig42, May 2016 +% +Using your old laptop to research buying a new one is like asking it to dig +its own grave + ―WorthierCaptor, Aug 2014 +% +I don't think I've ever heard a car alarm going off and thought "Oh shit, +someone's car is getting stolen!" + ―DaveKast, Feb 2015 +% +"Having a stroke" sounds like a British euphemism for masturbation + ―audible_dog_fart, Jun 2015 +% +Calling an infant 'tender and mild' makes it sound like a chicken wing. + ―Broodles, Dec 2015 +% +Thanks to dating apps, many people will first lay eyes on the love of their +lives while evacuating their bowels. + ―dolemite-, Jul 2015 +% +A child born 08.08.08 is 8 today. + ―Crazy_Battlesheep, Aug 2016 +% +If North Korea ever does actually launch an attack, people in the future are +going to think we were the most oblivious people in history. + ―BlackMilk23, Aug 2016 +% +Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest + ―ComboverEagle, Sep 2016 +% +The older I get, the lamer the superpowers I want. + ―Left4Donut, Feb 2016 +% +When self driving cars become the norm, gaining control of your car could be +almost as scary as losing control is today. + ―r6guy, Mar 2016 +% +Teachers wont let you use Wikipedia, But they make you use 30 year old +textbooks + ―Tanner_Twaggs, Apr 2016 +% +Video game streamers are just like pornstars. You're an entertainer that will +never go mainstream. Your target audience are aged 14 to 30, mostly male. Your +career gets shorter as you get older. You are doing the exact same thing as +millions of people except you are recording it. + ―Insomniyac, Jun 2016 +% +My dogs literally eat better than millions, if not billions of humans. + ―Partha23, Oct 2015 +% +Watching an Ad three million times on Hulu makes me hate the company more than +anything + ―Nardocs, Dec 2015 +% +If i owned a taser I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and taser +myself and that's why i dont own a taser. + ―Cock_Vomit, Mar 2016 +% +just drove from california to Illinois with a fly in the car. I wonder if the +illinois flies will accept him as their own. + ―IDrewTheDuckBlue, Jul 2015 +% +If having a small penis was really an issue, the "small penis genes" would +have gone extinct long time ago. + ―Piano1987, Oct 2016 +% +Reddit is like one of those girls on Facebook that say they hate drama but +actually fucking love it + ―[deleted], Jul 2015 +% +What if the lottery is an Institution to catch Time Travelers? + ―imverykind, Oct 2014 +% +Once you find out about reddit, every other time-wasting website seems like +it's only there for the people who don't know about reddit yet + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +The person who accurately predicts the end of the world will never get +acknowledged for it. + ―Cytolethal, Jul 2016 +% +The word "bid", in lowercase letters, is vertically symmetrical, but the word +"BID", in uppercase letters, is horizontally symmetrical. + ―Bowch-, Aug 2015 +% +When I have kids, they'll grow up with three Star Wars trilogies, eight Harry +Potter movies, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy all available to watch +whenever they want. They'll never know my pain + ―oxwearingsocks, Oct 2016 +% +I wonder who the first person to die playing Pokémon Go will be and how they +will die? It's going to happen though + ―VerinSC, Jul 2016 +% +I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we're like "that's a soup +ladle". + ―o2lsports, May 2015 +% +I treat my body in a way that proves I have 100% confidence in medical science +being able to fix ANY medical problem by the time I'm 50. + ―24h00, Sep 2015 +% +I wake up to a cup of coffee and browse Reddit every morning. I'm the modern +day grandpa with his daily newspaper. + ―HoldDaCheese, Dec 2015 +% +People are way more concerned about athletes having to deal with Brazil being +unsafe than the millions of people who live there + ―orfane, Aug 2016 +% +I'm sitting here, drinking my 6th beer, about to hop in the shower. Heading to +my sisters birthday party afterwards, where my nieces and nephew will be. I +just realized I'm the drunk uncle of the family. + ―FukkleberryHin, Sep 2015 +% +When marijuana is legal people will say 4/20 is just another commercialized +holiday. + ―ifcopscandoit, Apr 2015 +% +Neil Armstrong was the first person to land on the moon. 'Neil A.' backwards +is 'Alien'. + ―demonikki, Aug 2015 +% +Since I'm Canadian my two cents is rounded down to nothing + ―ToothlessWolf, Mar 2015 +% +Mars...is populated entirely by robots! + ―aaqucnaona, Apr 2014 +% +The phrase "Do go on" contains 3 different pronunciations of the letter 'o' + ―isaacandhismother, Feb 2015 +% +There's enough apps for finding friends and lovers and soulmates. I want an +app that helps me find my arch enemy. + ―CuddlePirate420, Oct 2015 +% +If Netflix required you to sign in frequently... 80 percent of the people I +know wouldn't have Netflix. + ―isaacsmiller, Oct 2016 +% +If you stay up all night and sleep all day, maybe you were meant to live on +the other side of the planet. + ―PenguinOntheRoad, Apr 2016 +% +The voice actor for Pikachu has had steady income for the past 20 years saying +variations of just one word. + ―Wakkadoo507, Jul 2016 +% +If I lose one sock, I'll be annoyed. If I lose both socks, it will take a +while for me to notice + ―thomasjthomasj, Apr 2016 +% +Google should make a new filter: No Pintrest results. + ―100milesanhour, Sep 2016 +% +Uber should have a "no small talk" option when requesting a car + ―theycallmepdf, Sep 2016 +% +I just realized how absurd the rotating license plates on James Bond's car +are. Are we supposed to think that he could switch plates and become lost +among all the other silver Aston Martin DB5s? + ―gbwilliams369, Sep 2016 +% +There should be a movie rating based on how awkward it would be to watch with +your parents. + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +I look both ways before crossing a one way street. That's how much faith I +have left in humanity. + ―beete17, Apr 2016 +% +Mirrors are the most photographed object in the 21st century + ―kemdo, May 2016 +% +Tobacco companies kill their best customers and condom companies kill their +future customers. + ―FourWordReplies, Aug 2016 +% +Ten-year old me would be so angry to find out I could afford a monkey and +haven't bought one. + ―kvw260, Jun 2015 +% +"Ryan Reynolds" sounds like a Stan Lee character + ―penguinsweg, Feb 2016 +% +Pearls are found in oysters. Whoever named the line of Tampax 'Pearl' had a +hilariously sick sense of humour. + ―_bubblebutt, Jul 2016 +% +Google maps should have a feature where if you know a better route, you can +say "OK, Google, watch this," and then drive it. They could improve their +directions that way. + ―ItsALiberalPlot, Jun 2015 +% +I've personally boycotted more companies for their shitty commercials rather +than for ethical reasons + ―ThePirateKing01, May 2016 +% +What if the spider I killed in my home has spent his entire life thinking he +was my room-mate and that suddenly I had some sort of psychotic break + ―bossOnothin, Sep 2016 +% +If reincarnation is real, I wonder if I've ever read anything about my +previous life without realizing it. + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +The Pirate Bay should rename themselves to something that cannot be repeated +on television. The following court cases and news coverage would be difficult +to disseminate to a wide audience. + ―TitaniumTurtle, Jan 2015 +% +People assume that the first sex robots will be sold for men, but the reality +is, women have already been using them for years and years + ―apcom, Nov 2015 +% +Forget a dislike button, Facebook needs a "this article/picture is fake" +button. + ―diatonicnerds, Sep 2015 +% +James Bond is going to need a Visa for his missions now. + ―Amedais, Jun 2016 +% +What women know as a front closing bra, men will know as a front opening bra + ―meurl, Aug 2016 +% +"Fifty shades of grey" is considered a romantic story only because the guy is +a billionare. If he was living in a trailer or in a shack somewhere in the +woods it would be an episode of "Criminal minds". + ―CynicalBellend, Feb 2015 +% +It's pretty dumb that I get a new driver's license every four years and it's +made out of hard plastic and I'm supposed to have my social security card for +life and it's made out of paper. + ―KingOfKrackers, Sep 2014 +% +As a non-American, watching American TV I don't even notice their accent, but +in real life the exact same accent is extremely noticeable. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +Every year on my wife's b-day, I get to have sex with the oldest woman I've +ever slept with. + ―Radiationdoc, Oct 2016 +% +Uber should have a senior discount so elderly people wouldn't have to drive if +they feel like they can't drive safely + ―Delica, May 2016 +% +It has gotten to the point that every time I see "defiantly" I automatically +think some idiot misspelled "definitely" + ―eatinchapstick, Jan 2016 +% +The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1963 are +probably dead + ―CosmicViking, Jan 2016 +% +1/3 of marriages are now from online dating and that number is only +increasing. That means that computers (algorithms) are starting to breed +humans. + ―fleetw16, Oct 2014 +% +If I had a kid when I was 18, I could have a 10 year old by now. Instead I'm +watching cartoons in my underwear and eating cereal, like a 10 year old. + ―poopedinthechili, Jul 2016 +% +Tobacco companies should be leading in the search for a cancer cure. The day +after a cure is found, sales of cigarettes are going to go up by 500,000% from +the millions of us that quit for health / longevity reasons. + ―evoic, Oct 2016 +% +My first instinct when I see an animal is to say "hello", my first instinct +when I see a human is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away + ―Narksdog, May 2016 +% +I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen. + ―h1ghdeaz, Dec 2013 +% +I wonder if I have ever seen the same ant twice + ―yesitsrubbishacc, Jun 2016 +% +Porn is to sex what Kung Fu movies are to fighting . There's a lot more +screaming , weird positions and techniques than you'll ever see in real life + ―RepubliKin, Jan 2016 +% +If the Mythbusters made a show with the guys from Jackass (testing the myths +on them) it would be spectacular. + ―ranga_tayng, Jul 2015 +% +Kleenex should make the last 10 tissues in the box a different color so you +know when you're running low. + ―nickm78, Jan 2016 +% +For guys who loved Die Hard so much, Ross Chandler and Joey were pretty +oblivious to how much Ross's girlfriend's dad looked like Bruce Willis + ―Lachshmock, May 2016 +% +In the past decade, my wife and I have gone from kids trying to quietly have +sex while their parents sleep to parents trying to quietly have sex while +their kids sleep + ―TheAmazingSpider-Ham, Apr 2015 +% +People claim with surprise that Eskimos have 100 words for snow, but ignore +that makeup companies have 1000 words for light brown. + ―Ganonthegreat, Feb 2016 +% +A line of paint on the road holds more authority than i probably ever will. + ―0KoopaTroopa0, Aug 2015 +% +One extra perk of becoming president is that your last name isn't incorrect in +spell check anymore + ―EndlessRampager, Sep 2015 +% +When we want another's thoughts, we say "penny for your thoughts." When we +offer up our own, we say "putting my two cents in." We value our own opinion +twice as much. + ―Conkrad, May 2016 +% +Why when we cry our noses fill up almost immediately? It is like out own body +is saying, I see, you are upset, here, let me help, why don't you just stop +breathing altogether you weak bastard. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +The first word I say every year is "happy" and the last is "one" + ―dope-as-heck, Dec 2015 +% +Life gets weird when you start to see adults as grown up kids rather than +adults + ―dethish, Aug 2016 +% +Cutting off one of your legs decreases your BMI, but when you cut off the +other one it shoots way up again + ―Terrific_Soporific, Jan 2016 +% +Porn and the WWE are essentially the same. Both feature unrealistic +representations of humans taking way longer to accomplish something, in which +the acting doesn't matter and the more outrageous the personality, the more +popular. + ―SergeiDiaghilev, May 2016 +% +When aliens really attack Earth, my first thought is probably going to be +"Which movie came the closest?" + ―dead4seven, Aug 2015 +% +If Fallout 4 didn't take place in USA you probably wouldn't find live ammo in +a dead woman's sundress + ―Puccolol, Dec 2015 +% +Kid's menus at restaurants should be smaller portions of the same adult dishes +at lower prices and not the junk food that they usually offer. + ―TheBugMX, Sep 2016 +% +New years 2020 will be remembered as the year that everyone's dad bought some +of those glasses and spent all night making 'I have 20-20 vision' jokes + ―_merf, Jul 2016 +% +What if the IOC bought a Greek Island to save Greece's economy and host the +Olympics permanently, so we couldn't cripple other economies that host the +Olympics? + ―Stelios78910, Aug 2016 +% +Most women who keep their maiden names are just taking the names that their +mothers took when they gave up their own maiden names. + ―joelman0, Apr 2016 +% +Giving someone gold on Reddit is like saying "I enjoyed what you said enough +to pay you for it. But instead I'm going to pay someone else to give you a +tiny pixelated gold image." + ―CyborgBurger, Jun 2016 +% +The author of the book "American Psycho" received death threats "over the +violence depicted in his writing". That means that someone, somewhere, was +bothered by violence in a book and responded by literally threatening to kill +the author. Oh, humanity. + ―adeebchowdhury, Jun 2016 +% +Thanks to 'dude', 'bro' and 'man', I haven't said my best friend's name to him +in 4 years. + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +I bet there's a direct relationship between the rise of smartphone usage and a +decline in bathroom stall graffiti. + ―manic_lethargy, Jul 2015 +% +If you organise and operate a marathon you can say you've run a marathon +without having run one + ―swimming-bird, Jun 2015 +% +The early days of the internet was like a huge park. You browsed around, +played games, learned a bit, and had to take your time. Now its like a big +city, you are bombarded with ads, everyone is running, and shady people troll +and try to screw you over. + ―the_woot_shoot, Feb 2016 +% +There is nothing quite so beautiful as the spark in a person's eye when you +bring up something they are passionate about. + ―Swaqfaq, Oct 2016 +% +Newborns are always crying because any discomfort is literally one of the +worst things they have ever experienced. + ―TheHowardEffect, Mar 2014 +% +Now that The Pirate Bay is based at a .cr domain (Costa Rica), they truly are +The Pirates of the Caribbean. + ―Meatslinger, Dec 2014 +% +I just realized that when I got clothes for Christmas as a kid from grandma, +it wasn't a gift for me but for my broke mom + ―BucketheadRules, Nov 2015 +% +Jesus coming to earth, making friends, dying and revealing himself to be god's +son is like the ultimate episode of undercover boss. + ―RadiatorSam, Apr 2015 +% +If gangsters held their phones like they held their guns, world-star would +have a lot more watchable content. + ―FifaBribes, Jun 2016 +% +Jon Stewart sure picked the shittiest year ever to retire.... + ―CyberToaster, Mar 2016 +% +Movies will always break monetary records because of inflation. They should be +rated on how many tickets were sold versus how much money was made. + ―lispboy, Jun 2015 +% +If someone says they're gonna open up a can of whoop ass, that means someone +out there is canning whoop ass...I'd be more afraid of that second guy. + ―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2015 +% +I would love it if there was a website where I could look up a license plate +and then send a message to whoever owns the plate and tell them how bad they +drive. + ―quinnkenrilawson, Jul 2016 +% +Valve (Steam) should put machines like Coinstar in GameStop and at malls so +that you can put your loose change into your Steam Wallet. + ―Aegon_Blackfyre, Aug 2014 +% +Blind kids can stay up reading under the covers and their parents can't ever +tell + ―EditorialComplex, Oct 2015 +% +Dads who tell "dad jokes" are actually funny people who had to censor their +humor for a younger audience. + ―royaljohnson, Jan 2016 +% +The real hero of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is Will's mom because she forced +him to move out of a dangerous city at the first sign of problems. + ―ekmaster23, Aug 2016 +% +Pornography is the only profession where amateur products can be in higher +demand than professional ones. + ―Unidan, Jan 2014 +% +Instead of letting you skip ads, YouTube should hire Vine-savvy people to +create 6-second ads. + ―ForeverInaDaze, Aug 2015 +% +At 31, I am older than every dog in the world. + ―citizenshame, Jan 2016 +% +If we pop bubble wrap made in China, the air that comes out is from China + ―Shadows4, Sep 2014 +% +If I had a PhD, I'd buy takeout a lot, and when it got to me I'd say "this is +just what the doctor ordered." + ―whatisthedealnow, Dec 2015 +% +Cracking my knuckles is an ability that has a cooldown. + ―Dangleton, Feb 2015 +% +Movie makers should be required by law to depict CPR accurately and with +correct technique in their films, because movies provide the only impression +of CPR that many people ever bother to get. + ―tadavagagah11, Jun 2015 +% +Bill Cosby has more rape accusers than I have consensual sex partners. + ―topderp1, Jul 2015 +% +Reddit is like my fridge. After the fifth time opening it I know everything +that's in there, but I keep finding myself opening it in the hopes of +something new. + ―agwiz31, Jul 2015 +% +When an older couple is sitting silently at a restaurant; it's not that they +have nothing to say to each other, it's that they're listening to your +conversation in order to talk shit about you later. + ―Jklein6001, Jun 2016 +% +For April Fools' Day 'The Onion' should run real news stories. + ―cmagnificent, Mar 2014 +% +On Windows, hitting Ctrl+Alt+Del (or Ctrl+Shift+Esc) is your way of telling a +program "I want to speak to your manager". + ―anonkehaath, Jul 2015 +% +We are fortunate enough to live in a country where if we hear random +explosions in the distance, our mind thinks "oh, someone's celebrating" + ―Interaxis, Jul 2016 +% +Polo referees should ride Zebras + ―BrandtHasToPay100, Apr 2015 +% +Imitating a gun to your own head with your fingers means suicide, yet +imitating a knife to your own neck is intimidation. + ―LatkaXtreme, Jul 2015 +% +Titanic was released 85 years after the incident and was a loved movie. I +wonder if in 2096 it would be acceptable to make a love story of 9/11 + ―Captainmcspanky, Nov 2015 +% +The most realistic part of GTA V is when I'm charged $5,000 every time I go to +the hospital. + ―JayhawkRacer, Feb 2016 +% +Most of the noises that you hear outside in rural areas are animals screaming +"please fuck me!" as loud as they can. + ―jrobear11, Jun 2016 +% +Why is it when a woman is a "bitch" she's angry and aggressive, but when a guy +is a "bitch" he's meek and submissive? + ―JakeSnowy, Sep 2016 +% +When I tell people "I saw it on the Internet," even if I'm right, they think +I'm an uninformed crazy person and can't be trusted to make decisions. + ―Monkeyonfire13, Feb 2016 +% +As a paramedic, I'll be one of the first to be bitten in a zombie apocalypse + ―yourcoldeyes, Oct 2015 +% +Those custom child bedrooms made in Extreme Makeover Home Edition must suck +for the teenagers that live in them now + ―Klein259, Feb 2016 +% +China has a billion people in it. One-in-a-million things happen one thousand +times a day. + ―tlery, Jun 2015 +% +IMDb should have an "it's on Netflix" tag + ―Niallosapien, Jun 2015 +% +Running from the police is the equivalent of betting double or nothing + ―nixon11, Feb 2016 +% +As someone who wears glasses, I'm so glad 3D televisions never caught on. + ―CHEWS_OWN_FORESKIN, Jul 2016 +% +If two people on opposite sides of the world each drop a piece of bread, the +Earth briefly becomes a sandwich. + ―nklotz, Apr 2014 +% +I bet couples in the Harry Potter universe sometimes use polyjuice potion to +turn into one another and have sex. + ―chpbnvic, Mar 2016 +% +We live in an age where your last words may be an emoticon. + ―horoshimu, May 2016 +% +My grandkids are going to ask the question "you mean cars could just run into +each other, and people died all the time in car accidents?" + ―tavenger5, Dec 2015 +% +There should be affordable universities for people who just want to continue +learning throughout life. Not to get a degree, or a better job; just a place +to learn, foster ideas and meet others who are doing the same. + ―bonbonlarue, May 2016 +% +If the next president is white, the United States will have successfully gone +black and then gone back. + ―SlipperySherpa, Apr 2015 +% +Antarctica has the highest average IQ of any continent. + ―Geminiilover, Jul 2015 +% +It's kinda sad that we're in a time where a main selling point in +advertisements of foods is that they're made with 100% of the "real" +ingredients that they're supposed to be made up of. + ―PewPewUDeaded, May 2015 +% +The less taste water has, the better it tastes. + ―417guydangerous, Feb 2016 +% +As a Japanese speaker, I have to take extra few seconds to force my brain to +not treat ツ as an character when I read ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. + ―Mineswooper, Apr 2016 +% +Freshmen starting high school this year will be learning about 9/11 as a +historical event that took place before they were born + ―SlipperyQuark, Aug 2016 +% +It's technically illegal to buy a child, yet "adoptions" require an exchange +of money. So really, adoption is just the legal purchase of a baby. + ―thegreatannemar, Apr 2016 +% +As a child, I never imagined that I would be attracted to butts. + ―SweatyLatina, Oct 2016 +% +If the girls who post on r/gonewild saw pictures of the guys who were +commenting on their photos, they probably wouldn't feel the same level of +validation anymore. + ―Finallyausername, Sep 2015 +% +To announce who the new Batman was they should have released an image of the +actor in costume then have people work out who he is from the face to see if +Batman's disguise is good enough. + ―do0_, Jul 2015 +% +I have never in my life wanted to text ducking. + ―timmy12688, Jun 2015 +% +Buying a wallet is like trading your books for a shelf. + ―titaniumgroceries, Jul 2016 +% +Someone should develop a browser app that very gradually starts changing words +so you can begin to learn a language. + ―whilst_i_poop, Jul 2016 +% +Old music sounds better than today's music because nobody remembers the shitty +ones. + ―AREYOUFUCKING_SORRY, Sep 2015 +% +Subreddits that don't allow downvoting are basically Facebook. + ―___--_, Nov 2015 +% +When Bruce Willis dies, there will be so many posts saying that he was +actually dead the whole time. + ―rosiering, Feb 2016 +% +Somewhere, there's a 50 year old billionaire who's future trophy wife hasn't +even been born yet. + ―kayjay25, Apr 2015 +% +If I died today, I wonder how many people would post on my facebook wall +pretending they knew me better than they did. + ―volkhov, Oct 2015 +% +If we changed the rhetoric from "Save the Planet" to "Save Ourselves," some +shit might actually get done. The planet will still be here in 5 million +years. We, on the other hand, may not. + ―IIIIRadsIIII, Dec 2015 +% +Depression is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship with your +brain + ―KnowledgeIsDangerous, Jun 2016 +% +PokemonGo lasted as long as someone using a new gym membership. + ―honeycakes, Aug 2016 +% +Growing up my parents made me believe that someone turning a light on in the +car while I'm driving was going to be a much bigger issue in my life than it +actually is. + ―Choco_taco_, Aug 2016 +% +Everyone who thinks they're the Jim Halpert of their office is usually the +Andy Bernard. + ―ChewieDefense, Nov 2015 +% +If all men get a boner every morning, then it means humanity has been doing an +unending boner wave around the earth since forever. + ―steveo202c, Jun 2016 +% +I think the Wicked Witch kept the flying monkeys around to mask her terrible +smell since she could never shower. + ―RumoredToBeGreat, Oct 2015 +% +I wonder how many thousands of dollars I have missed out on in special effects +in movies by blinking. + ―Tactical_Tugboats, Jun 2015 +% +Trailer Park Boys are the adult version of Ed, Edd & Eddy. Three nutjobs +try a bunch of schemes to get rich, and almost always fail hilariously. + ―Yiazmad, Feb 2016 +% +Batman only fights crime at night because otherwise he would have weird and +obvious tan lines. + ―Krutzfeldt1, Jun 2016 +% +When the North Korean citizens finally get freedom of information and internet +they're going to realize the whole world was making fun of their country + ―DanTheManVan, Oct 2014 +% +Every time one of my relatives (mostly Grandma) try to convince me to have +kids, they're literally rooting for me to come inside a girl. + ―Dick_FitzweII, Mar 2016 +% +My parents are going to think I'm doing drugs when I say, "Going out for a +walk". But I'll really just be trying to catch pokemon. What a turn of events + ―Petethepet25, Jul 2016 +% +Rap songs that reference dollar values won't adjust for inflation and the +references will sound cheaper over time. + ―sagrr, Aug 2014 +% +If you step on people's feet, they will open their mouth, just like trash +bins. + ―DrivingMyType59, Dec 2014 +% +Adult websites should make MILF related premium content free today + ―CallMe_Dig_Baddy, May 2016 +% +Drunk History is all fine and good, but I would watch the shit out of High +Conspiracy Theories. + ―Poopooplatterskillme, Aug 2015 +% +If one person says a word wrong, it's a mispronunciation. If enough people do +it, it's an accent. + ―yellowbasket, Jun 2016 +% +I wonder if spiders get as pissed off as I do when I walk through their +webs... + ―elonc, May 2015 +% +I don't know what the word irony means anymore because so many people keep +using it incorrectly. Oddly enough I suspect that that's ironic but I have no +clue. + ―greengrasser11, Jul 2015 +% +For Google to just turn 18, I've been asking some very inappropriate questions +to someone underage for quite awhile. + ―CruiseWeld, Sep 2016 +% +If you ask a girl out on Feb 29, you can save like 75% on anniversary presents +in the long run + ―_chanandler_bong, Feb 2016 +% +For an "adult cartoon" I've found that I've enjoyed Family Guy less and less +as I've grown older + ―0ddStranger, Jul 2016 +% +Winter is really going to separate the Pokémon Masters from the Pokémon +Trainers + ―Umbrifer, Jul 2016 +% +Next year, Apple is going to showcase the addition of a 3.5mm jack to iPhones +like they invented wired sound. + ―fjordfjord, Sep 2016 +% +Knowing you sleep 8 hours a day or you spend 1/3 of your life sleeping sounds +perfectly normal. But, if you tell me I'm asleep 4 months out of every year, +it sounds insane. + ―DoNotUpvoteTooMuch, Apr 2016 +% +If Hogwarts is the finest, high class school for witches and wizards I'd love +to see a spinoff movie of one of the more ghetto, inner-city magic schools. + ―iamninjabob, Feb 2016 +% +When a university rejects your application, you literally paid them money just +for them to tell you to go fuck yourself. + ―senor_danger_zone, Jul 2016 +% +"Is anyone downloading something?" is just the 21rst century version of "Is +someone using hot water?" + ―SavEx_, Sep 2015 +% +Tomorrow I graduate. In all likelihood at least one picture taken will be used +at my funeral to remember me. Tomorrow I pose for my funeral. + ―Favoritecolorsreddit, May 2015 +% +If Stan Lee's cameos in Marvel movies were actually all one single character, +he'd be an inter-dimensional being traveling through time and space to +seemingly observe various heroes at key moments of their lives. It would +easily make him one of the most powerful characters in the Marvel Universe + ―ktrcoyote, May 2016 +% +The sheer lack of child zombies in Walking Dead would mean that society was +already doomed before the outbreak + ―Heyitsgizmo, Oct 2015 +% +As a bartender I don't think twice about serving someone 8-10 rum and cokes +over the course of a night, but if someone ordered 8-10 cokes, I would think, +what the fuck is wrong with this guy? + ―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016 +% +There should be a shop where they have a boob scanner which 3D prints the +perfect bra for you. + ―dinosaur-crack, May 2015 +% +More people have visited the International Space Station than my house. + ―[deleted], Nov 2015 +% +Sending your navy to sit in international waters just off a country's +coastline is the world's highest-stakes game of "I'm not touching you" + ―BaconContest, Oct 2015 +% +Colgate had a 5 million dollar commercial to tell me to turn my faucet off to +save water for the needy. When that 5 million could buy 74,671,445 bottles of +water and they could tell me how to brush my teeth on their box. + ―McWitt, Feb 2016 +% +By typing "HEY, YOUR FOOD IS READY" here, there's a good chance I just helped +someone out. + ―A-D-A-M_, Feb 2016 +% +"Toxins" are just the modern day equivalent to evil spirits; mysterious +entities in your body which require esoteric substances and rituals to expel. + ―amplifizzle, Oct 2015 +% +I can't wait until I'm 80 when I can be as lazy and worthless as I am now, but +instead of being considered a loser people will be amazed that I can still +smoke pot and play video games. + ―yum_paste, Sep 2016 +% +If a Stormtrooper shoots and kills a major character in the new Star Wars +movie, it will be the greatest plot twist of all time. + ―ANPhiK, Apr 2015 +% +There's a point when parents stop hoping you're not having sex, and start +hoping you ARE having sex. + ―VasyaK, May 2015 +% +The boy scouts should sell jerky door to door. I would get excited about that. + ―Stompedyourhousewith, Feb 2015 +% +If I die in the same hospital as I was born in the average velocity of my life +would be 0 + ―yohan99, Feb 2016 +% +If Hillary Clinton wins in 2016, it will be the first time that two presidents +have had sex with each other. + ―AlibiBreakfast, Jul 2013 +% +Voldemort was 71 when he died and the average life span in the the UK is 80 +years, so had Voldemort not searched for eternal life he probably would have +actually lived longer. + ―r_il, Oct 2016 +% +My phone when I'm bored is like my fridge when I'm hungry. + ―AlfyDaKid06, Jan 2016 +% +Every now and then I suddenly realize that other people's lives are just as +complex as my own, and that they have no clue what happens in my head, just as +I have no idea what happens in theirs. It's like looking at the stars and +suddenly feeling very small. + ―J_Bowen, Sep 2016 +% +Actors Kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when +someone holds the door for me i think about it for 5 months + ―paechoul, Jul 2016 +% +15 years from now there will be a Buzzfeed article titled "These 19 super +creepy photos of Brazil's abandoned Olympic buildings will give you +nightmares!! (especially #11)" + ―Third_Redditor_Ever, Aug 2016 +% +The DMV should make keychain sized driver's licenses so nobody can drive +without carrying licenses by accident. + ―BusterFella, Aug 2015 +% +Whenever someone famous dies, there is always someone that thinks "Gotta edit +that wikipedia page" + ―Ahhchemistrywork, Jul 2016 +% +I always avoid the 'Ad' links when Google searching, even when that is the +link that I want. + ―originalwombat, Mar 2016 +% +Buying hardcover copies of new books should come with a digital eBook code the +way buying Blu-rays comes with a digital download. + ―Chirrut, Jul 2016 +% +In 100 years from now people will be able to go to Google Maps street view, +enter any year after 2007, and truly be able see what the world looked like +back then. + ―Italics_RS, Aug 2015 +% +Self Driving Cars are going to Exponentially Increase the Amount of Car Sex + ―itsthedude99, Sep 2015 +% +Sleep is like a 33% tax on life. + ―Shipwreck_Kelly, Jun 2016 +% +If combat in Harry Potter is based on saying spells quickly and at the right +time, rappers would basically be the magical Navy SEALs. + ―Snoopislurking, Aug 2016 +% +I bet I can have pretty loud sex without offending the neighbors, as long as I +play the Game of Thrones theme song first. + ―lol_and_behold, Oct 2015 +% +When Rick Astley really dies, nobody will click on the link because they are +scared of being Rickrolled. + ―PervertedPeacock, Apr 2016 +% +Bisexual girls could alternatively be called "more-or-less-bians" + ―zyklon, Sep 2013 +% +Every time you've beaten a computer at chess it's because it let you win. + ―Dr_Octomom, Mar 2015 +% +Some porn websites let you hover over the thumbnail to see a quick slideshow +of the video, while youtube still lacks this technology. + ―evan3138, Apr 2016 +% +Asking someone "where are you" is a recent thing. Before we had mobile phones, +the only way we could talk to people is if we knew where they were. + ―saint1997, Apr 2014 +% +If someone says "pinch me, I must be dreaming". You shouldn't pinch them, +because if they wake up you stop existing. + ―godofintangibility, Apr 2015 +% +I wish they would make a prequel to "Zombieland" that just followed Bill +Murray around in his day to day life dressed as a zombie doing random things +while the world crumbles around him. + ―Caringforarobot, Aug 2016 +% +'Coffee flavored water' doesn't sound good but that's what coffee is. + ―orangeslash, Jul 2016 +% +I am pretty sure that most of the adults who told me wiki is a terrible +source, now use viral facebook posts for most of their "news sources". + ―JohnConnormaybe, Aug 2016 +% +If I was a pornstar, I'd be pretty god damn salty that Kim Kardashian is +number #1 on Pornhub + ―HereComesChuckieChan, Mar 2016 +% +When I was young, falling in love was easy. Getting laid was not. Now that I'm +older, getting laid is easy, finding love appears to be damn right impossible. + ―ilovepumpkin, Sep 2015 +% +Having $200 in your bank account feels amazing when you're younger, but +terrifying when you're older. + ―w-f-w, Dec 2015 +% +Yesterday I got a free burrito from Chipotle that they gave away as a result +of the E. Coli outbreaks. I have never gotten E. Coli. Thus E. Coli has only +had a positive impact on my life. + ―GreatGreenGames, Feb 2016 +% +The genius of Nutella isn't so much how is tastes but how the company was able +to market what is basically frosting as an acceptable breakfast spread. + ―Mr_Saturn1, Jul 2016 +% +How hilarious would it be if farting was as contagious as yawning + ―PijiX, Dec 2014 +% +The reason why ghosts don't kill people in real life is because if they did, +those people would become ghosts and it would become really awkward. + ―SgtSlaughterEX, Jul 2015 +% +Smoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you're a +procrastinator. + ―skee_ball, Nov 2015 +% +It is amazing to think that nighttime is actually the natural state of the +universe, and the only reason we have daytime is because Earth just so happens +to be facing a giant star illuminating it. + ―bertonomus, Apr 2015 +% +Video game monsters always carry gold because that's what the villain paid +them to kill you. + ―protagonizer, Jul 2015 +% +If you had a kid named Marco, the worst place to lose him would be at a +swimming pool. + ―captnkurt, Nov 2015 +% +I find it funny how the first Netflix ads were aired on TV. It's like the the +television networks assisted in their own homicide. + ―ugottjon, Sep 2016 +% +Naming a porn website "Brazzers" is really considerate because the name can be +typed entirely with the left-hand. + ―JordanRUDEmag, Mar 2015 +% +Kanye West should've waited until Taylor Swift was accepting her Grammy and +released his new album as she started her speech. + ―ParrotFightClub, Feb 2016 +% +Myers Briggs Personality Types are like Zodiac signs for people who think +they're too smart to believe in astrology. + ―lovesuprayme, May 2016 +% +The song "Summer of '69" will have a major resurgence in 53 years + ―DrejmeisterDrej, Jun 2016 +% +We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn't need to look at watches. Now +we put mobile phones in our watches so we don't need to look at our mobile +phones. + ―ubuntulive, Aug 2016 +% +In Shakespearean English, a euphemism for a guys penis was “wit”. So, “the +length of a man’s wit” is actually a clever euphemism for talking about how +big his dick was. This brings a whole new meaning to the Harry Potter +Ravenclaw tagline of “wit beyond measure is a man’s greatest treasure”. + ―booksblanketsandtea, May 2016 +% +Now that I'm older I spend a lot of time calling people out on bullshit/stolen +posts, and reporting posts that break the rules. I'm turning into the internet +version of an old man yelling at kids to get off their lawn. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +The person directly in front of you is also the person that is the farthest +behind you. + ―SluffyD, May 2016 +% +We should get an employee discount with self checkout + ―stlknowswhy, Jun 2016 +% +Agar.io is basically that game that you watched as a kid where you look at the +rain drops sliding down on the car windshield. + ―DavidR747, Dec 2015 +% +Being a professor at Hogwarts sounds highly prestigious until you realize +you're still just a high school/middle school teacher + ―A_Pit_of_Cats, Mar 2016 +% +You can tell Arrested Development is an old TV show because it's about a CEO +who goes to prison. + ―unsanitary_napkin, Sep 2016 +% +Toilet paper should be free and have advertising printed on it. + ―catchyphrase, Sep 2016 +% +When you're criticised for being short, they're really just saying the worst +thing about you is that there isn't more of you + ―JaSfields, Aug 2015 +% +The only thing I would actually pay an arm and a leg for would be a +futuristic, robotic arm and a leg. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +I'm still friends on facebook with a girl i fingered at a club when i was 18 +but have lost more than half of my high school friends because we weren't +close enough. + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +I wonder if it's appropriate to get a "it's a boy!" or "it's a girl!" ballon +for someone recovering from a sex change operation. + ―Shit-sandwich-, Aug 2016 +% +It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks + ―electrovert, Jul 2015 +% +Self-driving cars will occasionally be pulling up to a destination with a +corpse inside, the sole passenger having expired during the trip. + ―pants6000, Oct 2015 +% +Browsing Netflix has become like opening the fridge for a snack: look through, +leave, lower standards, go back, repeat until something looks good enough. + ―LawlessBoar, Nov 2015 +% +Spilling a full drink you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a +balloon + ―DeezNeezuts, Jul 2016 +% +The $5 milkshake from Pulp Fiction seems reasonably priced now. + ―PMmeeShopCodes, Aug 2016 +% +Google should launch Googlr, similar to Tinder, Grindr, and Sizzlr, to match +you with potential soulmates based on your search history. + ―Higgenbottoms, Oct 2015 +% +We talk about Ancient Romans like they were basically all the same, but the +civilization lasted almost 1000 years. That's like saying people in 2016 and +1016 are basically the same. + ―SmokeyBare, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder how many nudes and dick pics Team Snapchat have got... + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +Trees live underground and use the above-ground part as a snorkel. + ―lacrimalicious, Sep 2016 +% +"Google Drive" will mean a completely different thing in a few years. + ―self-confidence, Jan 2016 +% +I want Taylor Swift to date Eminem, and then to break up, just to listen to +these two's dis songs towards each other. + ―scriblet123, Oct 2016 +% +Milk is a flavor of chocolate, but chocolate is a flavor of milk + ―[deleted], Feb 2016 +% +Jumanji taught us that the scariest thing in the African jungle is a white guy +with a gun. + ―emilgromm, Jun 2016 +% +The Incredibles is really dark for a kids movie. The villain murders dozens, +tries to kill some parents, tries to kill some kids, kidnaps a baby, and is +then shredded alive in a jet engine. + ―xenomorphgirl, Dec 2015 +% +The Olympics should give out Platinum medals if you manage to take first place +AND break a world record doing so. + ―glitch481, Aug 2016 +% +r/tifu would be a lot more interesting if people could go on reddit for an +hour after they die + ―OutrageousEagle, Apr 2015 +% +I've only seen "Babe" once but I've said "That'll do pig" at least 1,000 times + ―TigOlMcSnittyBits, Oct 2015 +% +With so many kids using iPads and other tablets, Apple should have a setting +that makes Siri ask for proper manners to help teach them since they talk to +her so often. + ―TheJman967, Dec 2015 +% +I hope tomorrow we all can wake up, have a normal day, and go home and go to +bed. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +Marvin the Martian was the ref in space jam because he's both an alien and a +looney toon. He's neutral. + ―extrasaltyfries, Oct 2016 +% +Thanks to the word "indescribable", there's nothing that cannot be described + ―YJCH0I, Feb 2015 +% +When I was a child I slept with the door open because I was scared of what +might be inside my room. Now I sleep with my door closed because of what might +be outside my room. + ―IAMWhited, Jul 2015 +% +Maybe North Korean scientists and engineers aren't incompetent and are +actually just sabotaging efforts to increase North Koreas military for the +good of the world. + ―CastIronHotDog, Oct 2016 +% +Math teachers help the world by creating problems. + ―DragonScorch, Oct 2015 +% +The real winners of Pokémon GO are all the service providers that will rake it +in when everyone goes over their data allowance. + ―notasabretooth, Jul 2016 +% +Scientists are adult kids stuck in the "why phase". + ―JustAPoorBoy42, Sep 2016 +% +If you have a 3d printer, you could torrent Lego sets. + ―tb12rm, Jan 2015 +% +It's messed up that you can accidentally make a person but you can't +accidentally make a pizza. + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +As a college student, I am never thankful enough to the individuals who go out +of their way to put the latest edition of a textbook online for me to be able +to pirate + ―irbinator, Aug 2016 +% +If humans had invented refrigeration early on, our food would be extremely +bland with no cheeses, cured meats, pickled veggies, smoked fish, sweet jams, +etc. + ―aloofloofah, Sep 2015 +% +A Bachelor party is more appropriate after a Divorce than before a wedding. + ―jeniferfuti04, Oct 2016 +% +Whoever decided farts are embarrassing really ruined it for the rest of us. + ―elreydelosgueys, May 2016 +% +If I forget my password it means my past self has outwitted my present self + ―franchise1140, Feb 2016 +% +We have two universal languages: mathematics, and music. One to describe the +universe, and one to describe how we feel about it. + ―Alfalfa_Centauri, Aug 2016 +% +The Internet is basically a teenager right now. It's got all this potential, +but the only thing it's focused on is buying things, trying to be popular, and +sex. + ―WHO_TF_AM_I, May 2015 +% +There were James Bond movies released in 2006 and 2008, but not 007. + ―Calber4, Jan 2016 +% +Ron Swanson should get a spinoff show that is an HGTV-like show mocumentary +where he works with annoying couples who want to fix their homes + ―A_polite_cough, Jul 2015 +% +According to the mac & cheese box, I am a family of 4 + ―mxax, Sep 2015 +% +The saddest thing about the 'Last time I had sex was in 2003' song line in Jon +Lajoie's Everyday Normal Guy song is that it gets a little bit sadder every +year. + ―dustofoblivion123, Mar 2016 +% +I think of all you people as my minions working hard to find funny and +interesting things for me on the internet. + ―TheOmegaMale, Sep 2015 +% +My birth control pills are like a shitty advent calendar for my period. + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +No matter how much you trust someone, you still make them stand up to prove +they aren't sitting on the remote control + ―TheSanityInspector, Feb 2016 +% +"One man's trash is another man's treasure" would be a terrible way to let +your child know that they're adopted. + ―red_leinad, May 2015 +% +In Phantom Menace, there were more than a hundred Jedi and only 2 Sith. If +Anakin is meant to bring balance to the force, the Jedi council must have +known what the only logical outcome of training Anakin will have been. + ―shogoh, Dec 2015 +% +V, The Roman numeral for 5, is the top half of X, the Roman numeral for 10. + ―BeardThunder, Mar 2016 +% +Michael Phelps is actually pretty slow for an aquatic mammal. + ―regulate213, Aug 2016 +% +There should be an optional "people are sleeping" button on the microwave so +stop from all the extra loud beeping. + ―[deleted], Jan 2014 +% +Our diets are comprised of almost all dead stuff. But if something has been +dead for too long it's inedible and rotten. Our food has to be the right +amount of dead to be edible. + ―clyde2003, Dec 2015 +% +I bet Sloppy Joe meat would taste amazing in a quesadilla, and you could call +them Sloppy Josés + ―Kip_karo, May 2016 +% +Bill Nye's recent spike in popularity is due to the generation of kids who +watched his videos in grade school coming to power. + ―DildoEngineer, Oct 2015 +% +Knowing how to change a tire and jumpstart a dead battery should be part of +the test for a drivers license. + ―zubaba, Jun 2015 +% +"See you next year" must be the most over used dad-joke every December. + ―hypnogoad, Dec 2015 +% +Toys R Us should change their mascot from a giraffe to a dinosaur, a +"Toysaurus". + ―Tk_Fury, Feb 2015 +% +I wonder how many amazing songs have been made by completely unknown musicians +and will be never heard + ―Tug_Lyfe, Apr 2016 +% +If the word "bomb" was pronounced like "womb" and "tomb" it would be almost +onomatopoeic. + ―El_Alonzo, Aug 2014 +% +If there's ever an X-men movie solely about Mystique, a mirror would make a +great movie poster. + ―Raining_whales, Jan 2015 +% +The world's best masseuse will never get the world's best massage. + ―6rant, Nov 2015 +% +Now thats millions of people have ditched cable for services like Netflix, +millions of children are going to grow up without being (as) influenced by +commercials and the news. It's a social experiment in waiting. + ―_Mellex_, Mar 2015 +% +My Blizzard account has more security than my bank account. + ―Coffeechipmunk, Oct 2015 +% +Folding clothes is just creating socially-accepted wrinkles. + ―willyolio, Jun 2016 +% +When Pizza is cut into squares, I lose all sense of what is a reasonable +amount to eat. + ―uncletugboat, Oct 2016 +% +My friend just told me condoms are for "fucking pussies." He was literally +right. + ―theprocrastinator21, Aug 2015 +% +I only write etc. because i dont know more examples. + ―Arnee_me, Sep 2016 +% +Most millionaires continue to work very hard despite being worth millions of +dollars. There is no way I'd be working, which is why I probably won't be a +millionaire. + ―ShittingVomit, Jun 2015 +% +I correct autocorrect more than it corrects me. + ―bobbyzee, Jan 2016 +% +If your bully gets a job at a fast-food restaurant, they are still taking your +lunch money + ―tom_is_pullin, Oct 2016 +% +Maybe Bigfoot discovered shaving a while back and now people just think he's +some tall dude when he's on the bus or whatever + ―sweetcuppingcakes, Sep 2016 +% +If McDonald's "forgot" a $.50 piece of extra cheese 10 times a day at each of +their 36,000 locations, that wasn't disputed, then they steal 60+ million +dollars a year. + ―IseeSuns, Sep 2015 +% +You can't spell "american dream" without "Eric Andre" right in the middle + ―malachimusclerat, Oct 2016 +% +As time passes, more and more people will believe "That '70s Show" was made in +the '70s. + ―perchrc, Nov 2015 +% +If I found $5, I'd pocket it. If I found $5000, I'd report it. I'd guess I'd +rather find $5. + ―ithinkitsbeertime, Oct 2016 +% +If OJ Simpson Hadn't screwed up we wouldn't be having all this Kardashian shit + ―udit_kumar, Sep 2015 +% +When people say "I'd love to be in the zombie apocalypse!" They're basically +saying, "I'd love to go on a killing spree and not feel bad about it" + ―Catjak56, Oct 2015 +% +If you had to donate $5 in order to change your profile picture, my news feed +would probably be a lot less french + ―quacker245, Nov 2015 +% +Every insect I've ever killed just lost its Final Boss Battle... + ―nickspeerience, May 2016 +% +Tesla's Autopilot Just made Getting a Road Blowjob Much Safer + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +Tinder and Spotify should pair up and match you with people who listen to the +same music as you. + ―MAG_Reloaded, Jun 2016 +% +Finally figured out what makes Clickbait titles so effective. + ―Longrodrington, Apr 2015 +% +People say new cars are horrible investments, that they drop in value the +minute you drive off of the lot. My college textbooks dropped 90% in value as +soon as I opened them. + ―regionalfirm, Jun 2015 +% +I want to see an action movie in which Tom Cruise defects from a cult, and +then gets revenge on the leadership who would threaten his family + ―hyperjumpgrandmaster, Jul 2015 +% +Daredevil and Batman should switch names. One is a blind guy that fights crime +using echo location and the other is a rich guy that fights crime with crazy +stunts and high tech gadgets. + ―chrysoprasis, Apr 2015 +% +Toasters should be transparent, so you can see how toasted your bread is +before it burns + ―Fedy_Fedora, Nov 2015 +% +Baby names aren't actually baby names, they are just 'names'. + ―S3w3ll, Jun 2016 +% +If the Pope sneezes, nobody is in a high enough position of power to bless him + ―Ginglymostomatidae, Apr 2016 +% +Sleeping in is considered lazy, but going to bed early is not + ―Yeah_righto_mate, Jul 2016 +% +Since doggy style is used by animals ranging from mice to elephants, it really +should be called "Beast Mode" + ―dcav, Oct 2015 +% +It will really freak Marty McFly out when he arrives and everyone is expecting +him, dressed up like him, and having parties in his honor. + ―AegisToast, Oct 2015 +% +My son's enthusiasm for Kylo Ren creeps me out as a father. + ―beckywithgoodhare, Jul 2016 +% +Cars should come with a friendly horn and an angry horn. + ―the_worstusername, Aug 2015 +% +Since there are no movie theaters in Compton, you need to go straight outta +Compton to see Straight Outta Compton. + ―mrshatnertoyou, Aug 2015 +% +Porn sites should have bright backgrounds while the video is buffering so I +don't have to see my reflection + ―sugartits234, Jul 2016 +% +Using energy from a wind farm to power a fan is like shipping wind long +distance. + ―Wasabi_Nasal_Spray, Nov 2015 +% +There should be a place that guarantees not to talk to you while giving you a +haircut. + ―eulertriad, Dec 2015 +% +Ironically, The One Ring from Lord of The Rings is probably the most +replicated ring ever. + ―Wild_Hearts_Run, Oct 2015 +% +When I was 16 I'd sneak out to smoke pot so my parents wouldn't find out. Now +I'm 38 and I sneak out so my 16 year old doesn't find out. + ―PlatyNerd, Nov 2015 +% +In some countries people are broke and don't even have clean drinking water +and in my country we have fountains in public places that spew clean water and +people just throw their unwanted money into it + ―yungd17, Oct 2016 +% +It must be really tough to play a "Q" tile in Scrabble in England when you +have to waste the "U" on words like "colour" and "labour". + ―buckyboy28, Jun 2015 +% +Bill Gates has about $6 for every year the universe has existed. + ―IAmJimmyNeutron, Jul 2015 +% +If someone on the internet leads their post with "English is not my native +language.", you can be almost certain they're about to trot out the finest of +the King's English. + ―wtmh, Apr 2016 +% +Laughing is so fucking weird. You just stare at the other person with your +mouth wide open making ridiculous sounds and sometimes you can't stop. + ―TheRose22, May 2016 +% +When I touch my girlfriend with my cold hands, I am literally taking energy +from her for myself. Like a supervillain. + ―badnamerrrr, Mar 2015 +% +28 years of training, give or take, and I'm still not sure I've mastered +wiping my butt efficiently. + ―dae_hagens, Jul 2015 +% +The reason the washing machine only eats one sock is because when it eats the +whole pair I never notice. + ―randomThought123, Sep 2015 +% +There should be a game where it starts with old school graphics and as you +level up it gets better and better + ―Black_dynamite55, Jul 2016 +% +In order to grow our muscles, we kill other animals and eat THEIR muscles. + ―JamalBruh, Sep 2016 +% +Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics + ―rhymenasourus, Jan 2016 +% +Maybe aliens haven't visited us because they live millions of light years away +and think there are only dinosaurs on our planet. + ―cscottaxp, Apr 2016 +% +I think one thing that's clear with the rise of Tumblr, Flickr, Scribd, +Grindr, etc, is that people are pretty fucking sick of the letter e. + ―-salt-, Jun 2016 +% +If Halloween wasn't already an established tradition, there's no way today's +neurotic parents would be OK with it being introduced + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +The fact that a 4 years old kid can use an smart phone does not mean the kid +is a genius, it means engineers are. + ―mcmalajunta, Aug 2015 +% +The Rio Olympics are like the movie Titanic. We all know a disaster is coming +but we are going to watch it anyway. + ―ifurmothronlyknw, Aug 2016 +% +As a woman pregnant with a baby boy, I'm literally growing a penis + ―Strekkie23, Aug 2014 +% +Reddit is like a friend that you think is really funny at first until you +realize that they just repeat the same jokes over and over again. + ―HumanOfTheYear2013, Jul 2015 +% +The reason that every person who uses a Walmart bathroom seems to have +explosive diarrhea is because that is the only circumstance you'd want to use +a Walmart bathroom. + ―Said_no_juan_ever, Jul 2015 +% +Eating crappy food while watching food shows is a bit like watching porn and +masturbating. + ―rooowdy, Jul 2016 +% +If we had no eyes then we would be unaware of the existence of color. What if +we are are missing an entire aspect of everything simply because we do not +have the organ to detect it? + ―Scotth329, Jan 2015 +% +A ton of cows is not a lot of cows + ―pikaras, Jul 2015 +% +Before I was born, I was just a man trapped in a woman's body. + ―rearwindows, Oct 2015 +% +As a very slim, small person, I like to think people believe they hit the +jackpot when I choose to sit next to them on a plane. + ―Worlds_Biggest_Troll, Sep 2015 +% +Being attracted to women or men who wear glasses is the one fetish for the +disabled that is socially acceptable + ―MojarraMuncher, Apr 2016 +% +Being bored on Reddit is basically saying that you can't even be entertained +by the combined efforts of a billion people + ―mordymoop, Jun 2016 +% +What if all humans are born with one wish, but we all wasted it when we were +4-5 on some candy or getting a ball for christmas + ―churrascopalta, Nov 2015 +% +i use to come to reddit for fun and entertainment, but lately i come every +morning primarily to check if there were any mass murders while i slept + ―burgerlover69, Jul 2016 +% +Four-leaf clovers ARE lucky, considering our species has been systematically +trying for some time now to remove them from the gene pool. + ―banyanroot, Mar 2015 +% +If I were a cop, I'd drive an unmarked car with a "honk if you're drunk" +bumper sticker. + ―walden1nversion, Sep 2015 +% +If you view a bald eagle at the zoo, you are looking at the American symbol of +freedom in captivity. + ―keytarin, Mar 2014 +% +If Elmer Fudd spent all of his time trying to rape Bugs Bunny, it would be +horrific. But since he's trying to murder him, it's OK. + ―YOGZULA, Nov 2015 +% +Wearing earphones at the gym is sometimes less about listening to your own +music, and more about blocking out the terrible music they play. + ―YouWannaSomeWang, Jan 2016 +% +The reason I like staying up so late so much is because between the hours of +1am to 5am, the world is quiet and no one expects anything from me. I could +stare at my wall for 4 hours and there would be no consequences. It's so +silent and calm. I love it. + ―Squishy_the_man, Jun 2016 +% +There should be a website where you can enter all of your measurements and +find out what clothing brands will likely fit you best. + ―jesuschrist82, May 2015 +% +Ideally, Leonardo DiCaprio wins an Oscar, pulls a speech out of his pocket, +blows dust off it and recites a thank you speech he wrote from "What's Eating +Gilbert Grape." + ―July_Sandwich, Jan 2016 +% +You can tell someone doesn't read much if they keep trying to talk to you +while you're reading a book + ―scaredybat, Jul 2016 +% +When going to bed, I can never find a comfortable position. Yet when waking +up, every position is comfortable. + ―Scrubo, Jun 2016 +% +My entire life so far has been a sequence of side quests and I've barely +touched the main quest at all. No kids, no house, don't drive. Only story +mission I've completed so far is having gone to school. + ―chazzwazzle, Jul 2016 +% +Sometimes I wonder if my life is in shambles because of all the chain letters +that I never forwarded to ten of my closest friends. + ―OccasionallyWitty, Jan 2016 +% +Kids of the future will think the emergency number 911 was because of 9/11 + ―jcast015, May 2016 +% +As a child I was told Wikipedia was an unreliable website and I should never +use it. Now it's the first place I go when I need information. + ―ThatGuyWhoIsBad, Dec 2015 +% +There will never be any more people older than me than there are right now. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +Children of gay couples probably shouldn't gift a #1 Dad mug on Father's Day + ―ReauCoCo, Oct 2015 +% +If humans would live up to 1000 years instead of 100 or less we would think +very differently about climate change. + ―menuk, Jul 2015 +% +When The Simpsons first aired, I was 10 years old, the same age as +Bart. Today, I am Homer's age. + ―jenglasser, Aug 2014 +% +For a website that's 90% reposts, Reddit cares a lot when a comedian steals a +joke. + ―turniemac, Jan 2016 +% +Being described as "The Last of My Name" is way cooler than "an only child" + ―magnum226, Nov 2015 +% +I kind of hope that one day in the future our recorded history gets lost or +distorted to the point that the events of the Lord of The Rings are somehow +misinterpreted to have actually happened long ago. + ―sonofmog, Jun 2016 +% +My daughter's sad observation last night: "Aww. The sun will never get to see +the fireworks." + ―Jujutsujoe, Jul 2016 +% +2016 is like a montage of news footage you see in the beginning of a +post-apocalyptic movie explaining how the world was ruined. + ―paranoidbrandroid, Jul 2016 +% +Reddit cares more about Leonardo's Oscar than Leonardo does. + ―ProfessorReds, Jan 2016 +% +Puberty is like a forced free upgrade for humans + ―meurl, Oct 2016 +% +When you say the word "crisp", it moves from the back of your mouth to the +front as you say it. + ―ReddyAmyFire, Mar 2014 +% +There should be a Rotten Tomatoes type site that rates critics instead of +films so we know whose opinions to completely ignore. + ―Phister_BeHole, Jan 2015 +% +I can't wait for the wave of angry parents who took their kids to see the +Deadpool movie without knowing what it is + ―actually_crazy_irl, Feb 2016 +% +Door to door salespeople are just real life popup ads. + ―ICanSeeYourPixels0_0, Sep 2015 +% +I wonder if they draw Waldo first and then fill everyone in around him, or +draw everything first and then find somewhere to hide him. + ―komfortablyknumb, Jan 2016 +% +In 50 years, 'Old lady' names will be things like Tiffany, Brittany, and +Nikki. + ―POCKALEELEE, Jul 2015 +% +It feels way more like Starwars season than it does Christmas this year + ―buddhamunche, Dec 2015 +% +Reddit is the only website where I come looking for NSFW content and end up +getting distracted by SFW content. + ―Dwindellan, May 2016 +% +Marijuana activists are the only group of people that actually demand taxes be +added onto something they buy. + ―PlumbsWithWolves, Jul 2015 +% +Japan, one of the least obese nations in the world have obese men fight for +entertainment whilst America, one of the most obese countries in the world, +have very fit people fight for entertainment + ―CommanderCurls, Jun 2016 +% +My worst trait as a shitty American is experiencing frustration when filling +out a profile and finding that the 'Country' section doesn't have USA listed +at the top + ―PalmBeacham, Feb 2016 +% +Like my grandparents, one day I'll tell my grandchildren what life was like in +the 20's & 30's. + ―DoubleGuns, May 2015 +% +Porn sites should have a category of "The man is silent" + ―donniesf, Jan 2016 +% +My cat probably thinks I go to the vet everyday since that's the only place he +has been that's not home + ―l_dont_even_reddit, Dec 2014 +% +No matter what is being measured, I always picture the size of a gallon as a +plastic gallon milk jug. + ―Andy_Carl, Jul 2016 +% +Leggings, yoga pants, skinny jeans; it's like this decade was made for the ass +man. + ―Dire88, Oct 2015 +% +Steam is 13 years old now. It's old enough to have its own Steam account. + ―Solanstusx, Aug 2016 +% +Menstruation is essentially like organizing a party without inviting any +guests, and then angrily throwing out all the decoration when no one shows up. + ―ManhandlingBacteria, Mar 2016 +% +In the distant future some kid will disappoint their parents because they want +to get an art history degree and concentrate on memes of the 2010s. + ―theburnedmanwalks, Jun 2016 +% +If I was a toy manufacturer I would make make a talking toy that said things +that were creepy 1 in 1000 times just to mess with people. + ―sexypoobby, Jul 2016 +% +I think I've masturbated more times in my life than I've flossed. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +I get mild anxiety when I'm listening to the intro and I can't tell if it's +going to be "Ice Ice Baby" or "Under Pressure" + ―Symbiotic_Tragedy, Oct 2016 +% +Meaning of ASAP has changed from "As soon as possible" to "Fucking now" + ―root_su, Jan 2016 +% +I should get a tattoo of a QR code, so if somebody finds my body and scans it, +they'll be Rickroll'd. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +For a company named after a rainforest, Amazon sure does use a lot of +cardboard. + ―the_69th_dad, Mar 2016 +% +I have never pressed the Shift key 5 times in short succession with the +intention of activating Sticky keys. + ―Imcando, Jul 2016 +% +The old saying "Money can't buy happiness" should really be "Money can't stop +depression" + ―Tw_raZ, Jul 2016 +% +If the toys in Toy Story died the kids would keep playing with them like +normal but the other toys would be playing with their dead friend. + ―Mordred912, Nov 2014 +% +You can safely store milk and raw beef at 101.5 °F... in a cow. + ―Happy__Dad, Jun 2015 +% +It'll be nice if you could shout "Siri where are you" and it'll respond "over +here" when trying to look for your iPhone + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +Winning a jar of jelly beans by guessing how many are in the jar is probably +the worse prize ever because someone counted every one of those beans and I +bet they didn't wear gloves. + ―growleroz, Apr 2016 +% +The question "Am I as bored as you are?" can be read backwards and still make +sense. + ―just_blewmyself, Jun 2015 +% +I started to use reddit 6 months ago, and now I can't remember how I used to +use Internet before reddit. + ―berutto, Feb 2016 +% +If you were learing English by watching cop shows, you might think that +"Freeze" means "Run" + ―t666c, Jun 2016 +% +If ghosts are real, why do people expect to see them in abandoned old places? +If I were a ghost I'd hang out at like disneyland or a girl's shower room + ―diff2, Oct 2015 +% +Anakin Skywalker always complained about not being taken seriously, whined +constantly, and obsessed over one girl for decades who he called "m'lady". He +was the original neckbeard. + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +We make fun of people who're liking their own comments or posts on Facebook, +but on Reddit it's a default practice to like your own comments or posts. + ―Compty, Apr 2016 +% +My body has its own version of Newton's law - when I'm awake I want to stay +awake and when I'm sleeping I want to keep sleeping. + ―dogecorleone, May 2015 +% +Foo Fighters have been around for like 20 years, yet i hear the same damn 4 +songs on the radio. + ―Veyron9190, Oct 2015 +% +4chan has an uncomfortable amount of 30-year-old men openly lusting after +15-year-old girls. Tumblr has an uncomfortable amount of 15-year-old girls +lusting after 30-year-old men. + ―actually_crazy_irl, Jan 2016 +% +I wonder how many watches are still ticking in buried coffins. + ―FrodoFluffyFeet, Apr 2016 +% +I always want a poo that requires one clean wipe, but when it comes back clean +I always double check because I don't believe the first one. + ―Jonosurf75, Apr 2016 +% +It's weird how yogurt is almost exclusively advertised to women + ―dexterjam, Jun 2016 +% +10 Things I Hate About You sounds like a movie that would be produced by +BuzzFeed + ―kristjkm, Sep 2015 +% +I occasionally still catch myself thinking 'when I grow up I'm going to...', +then I remember that I'm in my 30s with a wife and child, a house, car, job... + ―Mish106, Nov 2015 +% +I left my moms house to deal with shitty roommates, higher bills, and more +responsibilities just so I can comfortably have sex. + ―freethinker84, May 2015 +% +If I'm ignorant of the law, I get a citation. If the cop is ignorant of the +law, I get a citation. + ―Mister_Johnson_, Jul 2016 +% +Thought from my Grandfather today, 'Life was tough then, but society is harder +now' + ―AustraliaCant, Jun 2016 +% +The more a musician says their name at the beginning of their songs, the less +I believe in their talent. + ―PhoneJazz, Oct 2015 +% +The speed of a clock's second hand is exactly 1 RPM. + ―retsoper123, Apr 2016 +% +I just ate 40 chicken wings. At least 10 chickens had to die for my single +meal. + ―NotJimIrsay, Jul 2016 +% +The reason it seems like everyone in public restrooms always has crazy +diarrhea is probably because no one really wants to shit in a public restroom +unless it's an emergency. + ―DeathStarDriveBy, Dec 2014 +% +I realise now that when adult's occasionally didn't reply to something i said +when i was young, it wasn't because they didn't hear me, it's because i said +something stupid. + ―neutrns13, Sep 2016 +% +If i see a video on Reddit that's longer than 2 minutes, I think to myself "I +don't have time to watch a video that long" then proceed to spend another hour +dicking around on Reddit + ―DankLoaf, Jun 2016 +% +People in Christmas movies who don't believe in Santa are always portrayed as +jerks, even though they're technically right + ―nicklikesstuff, Sep 2016 +% +In a few generations, kids will be frustratedly trying to remember today's +date for a U.S. history test. + ―Thru_mylens, Jun 2015 +% +Pandora should have a never play this Artist again button. + ―Skyfer_the_Youtuber, Nov 2014 +% +Intentionally losing at a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as +trying to win + ―itman290, Oct 2015 +% +Having a creative password is really unfortunate. Because as much as you want +to, you can't tell anyone about it. + ―FancioPantsio, Dec 2015 +% +The ability for humans to toss/throw/lob an object with a decent level of +accuracy while calculating the angle, speed, distance and trajectory in a +split second is incredible. + ―searedbuttcheeks, Jul 2015 +% +Neil Patrick Harris has kissed more girls during his time on How I Met Your +Mother than I have in my entire lifetime. And he's gay. + ―kidknowledge, Jul 2015 +% +There's a massive difference between eating ramen noodles because you want to +and eating them because you have to. + ―thefantasticfellatio, Jun 2016 +% +"Dream job" is an oxymoron. My dream is to not need a job. + ―enriquemontalvo, Jul 2016 +% +That guy in Star Wars IV who stops the other guys from blasting C3PO and R2D2 +when they are in the escape pod because "there are no lifeforms" is actually +the man who caused the Empire's downfall. He killed the empire with his love +of being cost-effective and saving money on laser beams. + ―scocane, Apr 2015 +% +I can't imagine a male version of Orange is the New Black-- a show about men +going to prison and having sex with each other that I have to convince my +girlfriend to watch with me and all my straight male friends and I love and +talk about it. + ―Kidney05, Jul 2015 +% +If I treated real life like Reddit, anytime I would walk into a crowded room, +I'd yell out a thought or question, leave for 10 minutes, go back in and walk +around trying to hear if people were talking about what I said. + ―First_Redditor_Ever, Nov 2015 +% +When Fallout 4 is out, people everywhere will spend a long time inside, +playing a game about emerging from being inside for a long time + ―Itsapocalypse, Nov 2015 +% +What if the only reason you can't pass through a mirror is because you are +blocking yourself? + ―rawb_dawg, Apr 2016 +% +If Jesus were born today, DNA tests would prove who the father was. + ―mydogbuddha, Apr 2016 +% +On a clear day I can only see about 4 miles to the horizon, but on a clear +night I can see millions of light years. + ―WhatsAllTheCommotion, Mar 2015 +% +People would laugh at the idea of watching an 8 hour movie but have no problem +binge-watching a Netflix series that long. + ―JoeyZasaa, Aug 2016 +% +Being in college at 28 is like going to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm the oldest person +here by far, there's a bunch of little kids running around crying and playing +stupid games with each other, and after spending a ridiculous amount of money +and earning enough points then maybe I can get a shitty prize. + ―L3moncola, Feb 2015 +% +There is a teenager on Reddit right now who will become famous - causing +future historians to pour over his dank memes looking for clues to write his +biography. + ―Hq3473, Dec 2015 +% +You don't teleport to the the other edge playing PacMan, the maze is a sphere +and we're looking at it like a world map. + ―cashmakessmiles, Apr 2016 +% +/r/OldSchoolCool has become a contest of whose grandparents looked the best + ―soup_0, Sep 2016 +% +Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6. + ―New_Car_Wrecked, Dec 2014 +% +The i is the center of the word "hurricane". + ―potheadmed, Sep 2014 +% +Leaving an extra key under your doormat is like making your password +"password" + ―[deleted], Jul 2015 +% +The more attractive you are, the less likely you are to be corrected when +you're wrong. No wonder super hot people say such dumb stuff. + ―SunRaSquarePants, Sep 2015 +% +One of the most tragic aspects of a plane crash is that, presumably, most of +the passengers had airline food as their last meal. + ―Fionzone, Aug 2016 +% +Today's date (2-20-2015) looks like it's stuttering + ―OnceAteABurgerAMA, Feb 2015 +% +If the police catch all these creepy clowns and arrest them, they'll only need +one cruiser to put them in. + ―whoolzyourdaddy, Oct 2016 +% +Leap Day should be an international holiday where all business is expressly +forbidden. Everyone gets a "free day" to spend extra time with loved ones, +chase dreams, or try something new. + ―IcarusTheSatellite, Feb 2016 +% +r/mildlyinfuriating should have been spelled wrong + ―R-U, Jan 2015 +% +All restrooms should be pull to enter, push to leave + ―opinionatedidiot, Apr 2015 +% +If Dr. Evil were actually a Medical Doctor, he would have to have gone through +a Residency at one point. If he did, his title would be "Resident Evil". + ―themightyheptagon, Nov 2015 +% +Teenagers are like cats. They are totally dependent on others and act like +they aren't. + ―MadMuffinTop, Aug 2016 +% +The speed of a clock's second hand is exactly 1 RPM. + ―FromHEREto, Sep 2015 +% +Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty kids now that global +warming is threatening his habitat. + ―JeremyMcLellan, Dec 2014 +% +Maybe people don't put cats in boxes on the side of the road, they just put +out an empty box and all the stray cats in the area just sit in it. + ―npag, Nov 2014 +% +If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? +Wouldn't there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there? + ―Shawanabear, Apr 2015 +% +Every time I see a Marvel movie, I wonder if this will be the bad one. Every +time I see a DC movie, I wonder if this will be the good one. + ―Mark239, Aug 2016 +% +When I was younger, I privately worried that I was a sexual deviant because of +the thoughts that ran through my head. But thanks to Internet porn, I +discovered that, not only am I normal, I am downright vanilla. + ―timhamilton47, Aug 2016 +% +The most terrifying thing about this clown thing is that there could be +literally hundreds of them in just one tiny car. + ―aolchows, Oct 2016 +% +I realized my friends have reached maturity since I can leave my Facebook open +without them posting "I am gay" as my status. + ―cantyouseeimblind, Jul 2016 +% +When I die I want to see a mental highlight reel of all the best shots I've +made tossing things into trashcans + ―iamfatandsassy, Jun 2015 +% +According to the "Third time's a charm" rule, Germany will somehow win the +next world war. + ―GuessWhatIGot, Jul 2015 +% +The porn stars I'll eventually beat off to as an old man haven't even been +born yet. + ―Captain_Kuhl, Feb 2016 +% +We will never hear about the truly perfect crime. + ―Cleffer, Jun 2014 +% +Justin Bieber is a Canadian who has a hit song called "Sorry". + ―BlackPanther01, Dec 2015 +% +If you judge it by number of people involved, Santa Claus being fake is +probably the largest cover up in history. + ―theforcesofevil, May 2016 +% +Over time, the insult "two dollar whore" has become progressively more +offensive. + ―apocalypsemeow111, Apr 2014 +% +If I'm brushing my teeth next to someone I always brush a bit longer than when +I'm by myself. + ―ack18chs, Nov 2015 +% +Pain is nature's way of saying "don't do that". Painkillers are man's way of +saying "Watch me" + ―superZAKTAN, Nov 2015 +% +Any amount of Oxygen is a lifetime supply of Oxygen + ―datorangeguy, Mar 2016 +% +They should hand out a gold medal to the oldest person on earth during each +olympics, because life is the toughest sport there is + ―Tempematt, Aug 2016 +% +About an hour after the final scene in many Disney movies, the main character +will be losing her virginity. + ―Thai-ed_Down, Dec 2014 +% +I hope there is a special place is Hell for people who knock on bathroom doors +then immediately attempt to open the door. + ―jakeamus, Oct 2016 +% +I'd much rather be somebody who can barely remember High School than somebody +who considers it to be the best years of their lives. + ―Dodgeriscool, Jan 2016 +% +[nsfw] when a woman says she's never had an orgasm, guys take it as a +challenge. When a guy says I can't get it up, women take it as an insult. + ―SmokeAbeer, Oct 2016 +% +Of all the billions of people out there, I am the one who has your attention. + ―Wevry, Jan 2016 +% +Managers should have to get letters of recommendation from the people below +them before moving up to a higher position + ―HeavyBuckets, Jul 2016 +% +Pokemon Go will be forever marked in history as the day US children finally +started going outside again, and most college aged people as well for that +matter + ―pax1, Jul 2016 +% +If steroids are banned in bodybuilding competitions, makeup and plastic +surgery should be banned in beauty pageants. + ―talalq8i, Aug 2016 +% +As a lonely man, I wish I could also masturbate my heart. + ―AnotherLonelyNo, Oct 2016 +% +Tim Curry is British, famous in the US, and 69 years old. He must be bricking +it. + ―khmertommie, Jan 2016 +% +I wish I could switch how I feel in the morning and the night, so when I wake +up it feels like there's no way I could go back to sleep and when I go to bed +I fall asleep the second I close my eyes. + ―Wakington, Apr 2016 +% +Reddit is a lot like scientology. Batshit crazy, hard to leave, and every now +and again a celebrity shows up. + ―nathanmcc1, Oct 2015 +% +Shaggy and Scooby always runaway side-by-side when fleeing in terror from a +monster. If a Great Dane's running speed is around 30-40 mph, that means that +Shaggy's can run at that same speed. This means that Shaggy is the fastest +human alive, beating Usain Bolt's top speed of 27 mph. + ―AceEntrepreneur, May 2016 +% +If I moon you, photons that touched my butt touch your eyes + ―Mcbaldo, May 2015 +% +If a centaur gave me a blow job, it'd just be gay human sex. If I gave a +centaur a blow job, it'd be bestiality. + ―Eklektik, Aug 2015 +% +The creepiest possible thing you could see in r/creepy would be a picture of +yourself, on you computer browsing reddit. + ―MorrisMotion, May 2015 +% +Burger King employees should be called Burger Knights. + ―UndeadShawn, Mar 2015 +% +I have never heard a woman narrate a movie trailer. + ―Prexmorat, Jun 2015 +% +If batteries could be charged from the friction of scrolling, our phones would +never die. + ―dieingstar, Oct 2016 +% +In the word "scent", is it the S or the C that is silent? + ―teetheater, Aug 2014 +% +The woman I am most likely interested in isn't at bars or meetup, but at home +watching Netflix, and there's no way I'll ever meet her. + ―Soulmemories, Nov 2014 +% +"No Means No" would be a great title for a beginners Spanish textbook. + ―LivingInColor8, Mar 2015 +% +Someday there will be a TIL post about how Disney didn't create Star Wars but +was actually made by some guy named George Lucas. + ―lextexiana, Dec 2015 +% +The World's most masculine name is 'Guy Chapman' as it's effectively 'Bloke +Blokebloke'. + ―rekrab_eng, Apr 2015 +% +The reason that four leaf clovers are so rare is that when ever someone finds +one they rip it out of the ground, effectively policing the gene pool. + ―Sleepy_time_wit_taco, May 2016 +% +One of my greatest fears is that someone has written my favorite song, but +they're not famous enough for me to hear it. + ―Regularoldballoon, Oct 2016 +% +If shaving commercials want to impress me then they should shave a bison, not +hairless legs. + ―Tm23246, Sep 2016 +% +Weed is now legal in DC. But still illegal to buy, sell or consume it in +public. Although you can gift it. This is practically the definition of sex. + ―BoldRedSun, Feb 2015 +% +When youtubers die their children will have hours upon hours of voice/video +recording to remember them by. + ―MasterLemons, Sep 2016 +% +Going to see Star Wars tomorrow. I think I'm more excited about no longer +having to dodge spoilers than I am to see the actual movie. + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +I base my purchases almost solely on user reviews, but I never review products +myself. + ―Nodnarb31, Mar 2016 +% +GTA 7 will play very boring because of self-driving cars. + ―dreamingofreddit, Apr 2015 +% +The reason i like reddit is it gives me answer to questions i didn't even know +how to ask. + ―regokey, Apr 2015 +% +If bill gates lost $1mil at a casino, he could buy the casino to get his money +back. + ―Timedoutsob, Jan 2016 +% +The female stereotype of putting your hands on your hips exists because none +of their clothing has pockets. + ―MeowsiveUndersteer, Jul 2016 +% +Somewhere, there really *is* a couple named Adam and Steve, and they're tired +of people pointing it out. + ―Lermpy, Jun 2015 +% +I've seen my girlfriends butthole a lot more than she has. + ―depalman, Sep 2015 +% +We store so much data, there will probably eventually be digital +archaeologists. Like Neo meets Indiana Jones. + ―joehov4, Nov 2015 +% +When you buckle your seatbelt, you are wearing your car. + ―djm3bp, Aug 2016 +% +I will be very disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn't named +Marvin. + ―flyingjeff, Oct 2016 +% +2017 is less than 3 months away, and I still feel like 2010 was just 2 years +ago.. + ―Dr_Mphuthi, Oct 2016 +% +There are places in the Australian outback where if you are there at the right +time the closest person to you will be an astronaut on the ISS. + ―smileedude, Sep 2015 +% +Maybe ghosts have sheets over them because they're people who died thinking +hiding under their sheets would save them + ―TheBongoMan, Jun 2016 +% +If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into +your shirt. + ―amp123, Feb 2014 +% +Sitting on the toilet upvoting and downvoting on Reddit is the closest I'll +ever be to a king judging from a throne. + ―SixVISix, Jul 2015 +% +Pornhub should have a memories app like Facebook + ―vanghelion, Oct 2015 +% +A buttload is an actual measurement for drug smugglers. + ―powerscunner, Sep 2014 +% +They should get the scientists who work on shampoo technology to move to more +important fields like cancer research. Judging by commercials, they seem to be +making scientific breakthroughs at an astounding rate. + ―Balfe, Oct 2015 +% +Facial recognition software can pick a face out of a crowd of people, but the +vending machine at my work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner + ―smashley951, May 2016 +% +I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds +without meaning + ―notdunst, Feb 2015 +% +More than 60 countries in the world annually celebrate getting rid of the +British. + ―Deckapuss, Jan 2016 +% +If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance +enhancing drugs? + ―Hesoner, Apr 2016 +% +If I treated people how I wanted to be treated, I would go around sucking +dick. + ―Orig_analUse_rname, Jun 2015 +% +When getting all depressed about my sad, shitty life I realized that my dog +will be lucky to live another 4 years and he doesn't act like a little bitch +about it. + ―ButtersHound, Mar 2015 +% +Chief Wiggum and his wife look very similar. If they were siblings, that would +explain a lot about Ralph Wiggum. + ―hankmarkdukis, Apr 2015 +% +In movies where Santa exists and the parents don't believe in him, WHERE THE +FUCK DID THEY THINK THE PRESENTS WERE COMING FROM? + ―AndyDwyer, Nov 2015 +% +The biggest lie Disney Channel's ever told me is that there are 10 minutes of +whatever the fuck you want between classes + ―bannaner5, Feb 2016 +% +What if "go fuck yourself" means "go masturbate so you can think clearly and +see why this is a bad idea" + ―NotANinjask, May 2016 +% +If Kirby grew a beard it would also be his pubes. + ―whud99, Sep 2015 +% +Ellen should give away more stuff like Oprah and rename her show Ellen de +Generous + ―small_town_moon, Aug 2013 +% +Hurricanes are becoming so powerful and violent that they should be named +after fictitious monsters and villains to encourage evacuation. Hurricane +Patricia doesn't sound scary, but Hurricane Sauron does. + ―self-aware_potato, Oct 2015 +% +We've passed the turning point where numbers are now more difficult to type on +phones than letters. + ―namlub3, Feb 2015 +% +Reddit humor is having inside jokes with strangers. + ―bad_memory_bot, May 2015 +% +Killing a spider makes the spider genetic pool sneakier and more deadly. + ―godspeedmetal, May 2014 +% +I guess if I had to eat a person I would want them to be a vegetarian. I like +irony and prefer grass fed beef. + ―spimpweed, Nov 2015 +% +Sunburn is actually pretty crazy. Something 93 million miles away is burning +you. + ―BBbroist, Jul 2015 +% +It's good that Wolverine can heal. He stabs people and never cleans his claws +before retracting them. He would have all sorts of blood diseases... + ―TheIrishDrinkinger, Jun 2016 +% +I've stopped using Facebook and been using Reddit almost exclusively, the only +difference is I get the memes a day or two earlier and I don't hate everyone I +know + ―VotesBasedOnYourVote, Oct 2016 +% +It's been over a decade and we still haven't introduced bold and italics to +text messages. + ―niko-, Jan 2015 +% +If our ass was split horizontally, it would clap when we run down the stairs. + ―changingminds, Jul 2014 +% +Anyone under 13 probably doesn't understand why we say hang up the phone + ―bambambigelowww, Jan 2016 +% +If ghosts are real, i'd mostly be embarassed about how much I've masturbated +in front of them + ―Reverse789, Sep 2016 +% +Today earphones have replaced hats. You take them off only when you meet +someone you have respect for. + ―sumiranj, Oct 2015 +% +Of all the things that "Tastes like chicken", eggs are ironically not one of +them. + ―deuceott, Apr 2015 +% +People who ask late-sleepers what time they woke up aren't actually interested +in the answer. They just want to feel superior for choosing to sleep at a more +convention time. + ―NoSpicyFood, Aug 2016 +% +As a straight male, I sincerely hope that every man who is better looking than +me is gay. + ―DapperFrog, May 2016 +% +10 years ago we all wanted cool ringtones. Now we all just use the standard +one + ―Cedriminator, Oct 2016 +% +In my 33 years of life I've never once seen a squirrel shit or piss + ―fagetaboutit, Jun 2015 +% +I feel like the kind of person who might mess with Texas wouldn't be dissuaded +by a bumper sticker. + ―ReluctantRedditor275, May 2015 +% +If fire drills have done anything for me, they've taught me to treat fire +alarms as a joke. + ―RPaye, Mar 2015 +% +500 years ago, pirates were a real danger and were not considered cute. I +wonder if, in 500 years, kids will be dressing up as Islamic Terrorists for +Halloween. + ―yummypi, Oct 2015 +% +I wonder what the orphans in Stewart Little felt like after being told a +potential family picked a mouse over them. + ―holdpriority, May 2016 +% +You should be able to put a tag on your username that says "learning English" +so that other users can help correct your grammar and spelling without seeming +like uptight assholes. + ―VLKN, Aug 2016 +% +Since we sent a robot to Mars before sending humans, isn't it possible that +the first extraterrestrials that we encounter on Earth could not be the aliens +themselves, but their technology instead? + ―DextreOfficial, Jul 2015 +% +I always stress out trying to hide my boner in public, but I've never noticed +another guy have a boner before + ―_BooRadley_, Nov 2015 +% +Dolphins are so smart, that once captured, train humans to stand at the edge +of the pool and feed them fish + ―captainobvious254, Nov 2015 +% +We are the first generation where turning something off and on again fixes the +problem because we are the first generation where most problems aren't +mechanical. That's why older generations are always so amazed when we fix +things, it used to take a lot of skill to fix things. + ―neuroeng, Mar 2016 +% +I can only visualize a gallon in the shape of a milk jug. + ―brain739, Jul 2015 +% +an easy way to spot a drug dealer is by how fast someone can do weight +conversions + ―coolnameright, Feb 2016 +% +I wonder how often I turn up in other peoples dreams to do weird shit... + ―Peter_Dinkedladge, Jan 2016 +% +Google maps should team up with garbage trucks to update street view weekly. + ―mark5301, Feb 2016 +% +Most peoples last word of the year is 'one' + ―sampo_4, Apr 2016 +% +Micheal Phelps isn't a merman, he's just a pirate, here to take everyone's +gold. + ―Carpedevus, Aug 2016 +% +What if Earth is the uncontacted Amazonian Tribe of the Galaxy, and aliens +don't want to contact us because they want to preserve our primitive and +unique culture. + ―catchafire678, Jun 2015 +% +Talking to people on the internet in the 90s meant I was a loser with no +friends, not talking to people on the internet now means I am a loser with no +friends. + ―quasiology, Feb 2016 +% +The good thing about being a Michael Jackson impersonator is that it doesn't +matter if you're black or white + ―roexpat, Aug 2016 +% +The easiest way to enrage someone is to tell them to relax. + ―IHaveToRegister, Jul 2015 +% +I mock girls for having 100 outfits and "nothing to wear", when I have 100 +video games and nothing to play. + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +I wish we had the ability to dream together with other people. Like +multi-player dreaming. + ―anal_tongue_puncher, Jan 2015 +% +If I started a religion, my God would have created everything in two days and +then relaxed for five. + ―Nonsuch33, Jan 2016 +% +If someone knocks on my door to talk religion, I shoo them away. If someone +wanted to talk about hypothetical space worlds, I'd probably invite them in. + ―badrowbot, Jun 2016 +% +Nature valley granola bars are probably branded as "outdoorsy" because that's +the only place you can eat them without getting CRUMBS ALL OVER THE F***IN +CARPET. + ―9c9bs, Sep 2015 +% +Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and +is often illegal + ―DivinePrinterGod, Dec 2015 +% +If 50cent kept up with inflation, he'd be 73cent + ―OmniaMors, Jul 2015 +% +Lobsters are mermaids to scorpions. + ―rrtaylor, May 2014 +% +To me, everyone on Reddit has the same sounding voice. + ―tyson1988, May 2015 +% +there should be a show called 'The King of Bel-Air' where Will Smith plays a +similar role Uncle Phil was playing in the fresh prince. + ―Hons19Hons, Dec 2015 +% +It's good that Reddit's layout is a bit archaic because that's the only thing +keeping out the Facebook types who find it "too confusing". + ―ggez247, Aug 2016 +% +What if the Egyptians didn't actually revere cats, but only jokingly did like +we do on the internet? + ―komali_2, Apr 2014 +% +Imagine how terrifying horses would be if they were carnivorous. + ―vinnienine, Sep 2014 +% +If you break the laws of man, you go to jail. If you break the laws of god, +you go to hell. If you break the laws of physics, you go to Sweden and get a +nobel prize. + ―mad2crazy, Feb 2015 +% +I know more people whose lives were ruined as a result of World of Warcraft +than as a result of smoking pot + ―Fuquawi, Jul 2015 +% +5% of the toilet paper I use is for wiping my ass, 95% percent of it is to +keep my fingers from touching shitty toilet paper. + ―LikeAChikaCherryCola, Nov 2014 +% +What if Harry was just in a coma for 7 years because he actually just ran head +first into a wall at a train station + ―DoctorAlgernopK, Oct 2015 +% +I rarely need to comment on reddit because the hive mind usually expresses my +thoughts for me + ―cokeflu, Sep 2015 +% +If Sheldon from Big Bang Theory was a real person, there would likely be few +things on earth he would hate more than the show itself + ―BrawndoTTM, Nov 2015 +% +If batman's parents were still alive he would probably still be raised by +Alfred. + ―fruitchicken, Dec 2015 +% +If I had jerked off just one more time, my kids would be different people. + ―midniyt, May 2015 +% +Little Caesars should use "Eat two, Brute" as a slogan. + ―Dogbirddog, Dec 2014 +% +What if Stephen Hawking's voice box is actually the first A.I., using its +robot brain to theorize on the universe and he's just riding along, as tripped +out as the rest of us but unable to show it? + ―CarnegieFellon, Aug 2015 +% +Ryan Reynolds just got a free pass to be the biggest troll on the planet. He +could do almost anything now and claim its Deadpool marketing + ―Birdsongman, Feb 2016 +% +Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor's appointment + ―Sland, Oct 2013 +% +It is literally impossible to forget something on purpose, yet we get angry +with people if they forget things. + ―pey17, Oct 2015 +% +The phrase "I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me" is actually +a depressing statement about how people are born into gang culture and the +cycle of poverty. + ―OhMaaGodAmSoFatttttt, Mar 2016 +% +If job ads say "must be fluent in Mandarin" why don't they post the entire ad +in Mandarin, that way only genuinely fluent people could apply? + ―Scamwau, Feb 2014 +% +The longest most of us will ever go without masturbating is roughly 12 +years. That's from birth to 12 years old. + ―redroverdover, Jun 2015 +% +It was pretty cool that all the Jewish kids didn't ruin Santa for us when we +were younger. + ―Something_Political, Aug 2015 +% +With the way that 2016 has been going so far, the next season of South Park +should be amazing. + ―mayttr, Jul 2016 +% +You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder. + ―BigDaddyOstrich, Feb 2015 +% +Finding the real "Download" button is like Indiana Jones picking the real Holy +Grail. Just have to look for the least conspicuous one. + ―scribbles33, Sep 2015 +% +[1 in 4 car accidents are caused by texting and driving] People: "Won't be +me." [1 in 292 million chance of winning the Powerball] People: "You never +know." + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +If you keep asking "why" about something, you'll eventually arrive at quantum +mechanics + ―MisteryMeet, May 2015 +% +I hate every shampoo company that shapes their bottles in a way that makes it +impossible to put them down upside down. + ―hjqusai, Jul 2016 +% +All marijuana is considered medical marijuana if you believe laughter is the +best medicine. + ―ThatLonelyAstronaut, Aug 2016 +% +If Jesus came to earth now, non-Christians would think he was mental and +actual Christians would be offended that someone was claiming to be Jesus + ―abueloshika, Nov 2015 +% +What if I'm mentally challenged and everyone around me is just being really +cool about it? + ―Well__Good, Sep 2016 +% +Google should start an online dating service because at this point they know +more about everyone than any other service. They could use all that data to +make better matches than any other dating service in history and you wouldn't +have to bother entering it all in. + ―Joshtopher_Biggins, Mar 2015 +% +There's a moment in every Redditors day where they finally click that boring +looking link they've ignored this morning because everything else is already +purple. + ―bertonomus, Feb 2016 +% +Of all the religious fanatics out there, Satanists probably scare me the +least. + ―slymrspy, Jul 2016 +% +On Earth, curiosity drives scientists. On Mars, scientists drive Curiosity. + ―MightyThoreau, Jan 2015 +% +Someone is going to say “I have to go to the moon” in a bored, defeated tone +one day + ―margarita-pizza, Apr 2015 +% +I haven't misspelled bananas in 10 years thanks to Gwen Stefani. + ―marmot1101, Aug 2015 +% +I'm 22 and I'm just realizing why some watermelon flavored lollipops have +green wrappers but are actually red... + ―BuzzLightBeard12, Sep 2016 +% +If you lie on the ground on your back, it's like the world is your backpack +and you're carrying it through space. + ―lookitsluke, Apr 2015 +% +Holding my finger on the power button to shut my computer down feels like +suffocating someone with a pillow + ―LatvianGiant, Oct 2016 +% +I'm convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer... It comes +back as an extra Tupperware lid. + ―ruseereous, Nov 2015 +% +Marvel movies make me care about characters I never cared about, DC movies +make me not care about characters I used to care about + ―dario0807, Aug 2016 +% +It's 2016. Don't you think it's about time shower heads came with a built in +thermometer so you don't have to make random adjustments for 20 minutes before +your shower is comfortable? + ―thegreatanihilator, Jan 2016 +% +If Harry Potter was real, people on Tumblr would probably be constantly +complaining about the use of the word "muggle" + ―ScroogeMcJones, Mar 2016 +% +The problem is not people being uneducated; The problem is that they are +educated just enough to believe what they've been taught. And not educated +enough to question what they've been taught + ―kelvinharis, Sep 2016 +% +People born on 07/07/07 turned 7 today! + ―Cadenze, Jul 2014 +% +Airbubbles in water are the opposite of rain. + ―HughMility, Mar 2015 +% +Working from home is a very, very bad thing if you happen to be a firefighter. + ―colemagoo, May 2016 +% +One of the lesser known advantages of owning a cat is that they will alert you +if a red dot from a sniper rifle appears on your body by frantically jumping +on you. + ―First_Redditor_Ever, Oct 2015 +% +What if Deadpool is actually a romantic comedy and the film's marketing team +has tricked men into thinking it was an action-comedy. + ―Robeliciousness, Jan 2016 +% +It would be infinitely cooler if the people in your dream had the same dream +and you could talk about it. + ―Droolings, Nov 2015 +% +Telling my parents I'm moving to Colorado for the skiing is like telling my +girlfriend I'm going to Hooters for the wings + ―fatjesus007, Dec 2015 +% +500 years ago indigenous peoples must have wondered "are we alone on this +planet" the way we wonder if we are alone in the universe. Then they actually +had to endure attacks from aliens with superior technology like we're afraid +of. + ―furrrsurre, Aug 2016 +% +Some rappers basically have us pay them to tell us what extravagant/lavish +things they then do with our money + ―dafunkmasta, Jun 2014 +% +Life on Earth is the cosmic equivalent of what happens when you don't store +things in a cool dry place. + ―ProKrastiTRON, Oct 2014 +% +Society has become so civilized that we have to simulate manual labor at the +gym in order to reap the health benefits that civilizations of past centuries +had to do naturally for a living. + ―planetsalic, Apr 2015 +% +Being high in front of your parents, is like doing the best impression of +yourself. + ―Chinhoyi, Mar 2016 +% +Reddit comments seem smart and intelligent, until it is a subject I'm +knowledgeable in. + ―notsteveo, Apr 2016 +% +You've never met the loneliest person. + ―DatOneAsain, Oct 2015 +% +I've gotten out of bed every day for 18 years. That's 6,570 sit-ups and I +don't have one ab to show for it. + ―AtomicEmerson, Jan 2016 +% +At debates they should just mute the mic of the candidate who's not supposed +to be speaking + ―Ink4FountainPens, Sep 2016 +% +Everyone at the Grammys looks like the people from district one in the hunger +games. + ―itoodrinkzeecognac, Feb 2016 +% +Poverty is like a migraine. People assume it's like any other headache, so +they tell you to just "power through it" but don't realize how debilitating it +is. + ―Fungus_Schmungus, Aug 2016 +% +People don't realize through their day how much implicit trust they have for +welders. + ―FUCKING_HATE_REDDIT, Jun 2016 +% +maybe aliens don’t talk to us because we’re creepy. i mean we send them weird +mix tapes and we keep trying to find out where they live + ―nest-ce-pas, Apr 2015 +% +As I lay in this bathtub, eating an upsetting amount of buffalo wings and +watching Netflix on my laptop, I'm experiencing luxury greater than many kings +of history have known. And yet, I still feel a little bit trashy. + ―poopedinthechili, Apr 2016 +% +If "getting to first base" and "hitting a home run" are sex euphemisms, then +"pitching a perfect game" is keeping everyone at a party from f*&%ing. + ―Gish1111, Jun 2015 +% +No-one has seen me wipe my butt in close to 30 years. What if I'm doing it +wrong? + ―fartjockey, Apr 2015 +% +Masturbating to pictures in the Harry Potter universe would be extremly +uncomfortable for the people in the pictures + ―tyden_, Oct 2015 +% +Dogs are great because they could rip you apart and eat you but they don't, +because they want belly rubs instead. + ―waflhat, Feb 2016 +% +We're not nearly as appreciative of how many years we've gone without Jersey +Shore as we should be. + ―ZeGermanDoctor, Dec 2015 +% +There is a whole generation who will hear Bloodhound Gang's "The Bad Touch" +and not understand what "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel" means. + ―tortfeasor123, Mar 2016 +% +Jesus' first miracle was bringing alcohol to a party. + ―thebananahotdog, Feb 2015 +% +Right now, there are millions of formally dressed skeletons in our ground. + ―icandodge, Jan 2015 +% +Humans are inherently lonely cause no one can "hear" your thoughts except +you. Even when you express some through words, you cannot describe the full +gamut of your mind. + ―yeezred, Dec 2015 +% +I wonder if Apple called their new watch the Apple Watch because iWatch would +just be creepy. + ―thetalogic, Apr 2015 +% +Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option. + ―swim1929, Jun 2015 +% +If gym equipment was invisible, gyms would look like silent raves. + ―iwinalot7, Dec 2015 +% +If censorship was truly effective, then we'd have no idea it was even +happening + ―JayBeeBop, Jul 2016 +% +If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all +groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place + ―thewitbandit, Apr 2015 +% +Since a large part of dust is made of dead skin cells, and because I +frequently apply friction to my penis, I wonder how much dick dust is in my +room right now + ―jdscarface, May 2015 +% +I saved the most on Black Friday, by not buying a single thing. + ―Ohh_Babbayyy65, Nov 2015 +% +I will one day flip through my kid's school history book and find it strange +to have been alive during some of its chapters + ―QrtJester, Mar 2016 +% +A "lethal dose" is also a "lifetime supply". + ―Imnimo, Aug 2015 +% +The person who invented the shower had shower thoughts before the shower even +existed. + ―pngpng32, Sep 2015 +% +The President of the United States technically works from home. + ―planetsalic, Sep 2015 +% +If you cant find an American flag to face during the anthem, you could just +face the Moon. + ―Jtaltstatt, Jul 2015 +% +Drinking alcohol makes you think you're much more interesting than you +are. Smoking marijuana makes you think everything else is much more +interesting than it is. + ―donwgately, Sep 2015 +% +When I see 'wtf' written I immediately think 'what the fuck' but when I see +'lol' I think it as 'lol' + ―r_il, Oct 2016 +% +I am just a penis. The rest of me is just there to make sure my penis survives +long enough to make more penises. + ―this_wont_kill_me, Jun 2013 +% +During December Reddit should be able to purchase coal instead of gold for +comments they truly hate. + ―RumHam88, Nov 2014 +% +One of the most evironmentally friendly things I can do for the planet is not +have children. + ―Hungry-Panda-Bear, Sep 2016 +% +Now that Colorado is spending Marijuana money on bully prevention, drugs have +done more for the kids than the war on drugs ever did. + ―[deleted], Sep 2016 +% +Whoever named the sweater was wearing that shit in the summer like an idiot. + ―oface5446, Dec 2014 +% +When you eat ribs you're eating a part of the animal that evolved specifically +to protect the animal but is now one of the reasons the animal was killed. + ―5years8months3days, Jul 2015 +% +There are literally people on NSFW sub reddits that suck dick for karma. + ―WadeWilsonforPope, Sep 2015 +% +If pigs could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious. + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +Design companies should hire a few 14 year olds to point out any accidental +penises in their designs. + ―psychopathic_rhino, Jan 2015 +% +If Leo was black, there would be millions of people who thought his race is +why he hasn't won an Oscar. + ―BrickityBrick, Jan 2016 +% +I wonder how many animals we had to jump on the backs of before we noticed +horses were cool with it. + ―pandapowwow, Jul 2016 +% +They should make a Shazam for bird calls where it identifies the kind of bird +making the call. + ―khklann, Jul 2014 +% +When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and +whisper "You did this." + ―Suqleg, Sep 2015 +% +The most illegal thing I've done on drugs is just the drugs themselves. + ―Goonoid, Jan 2016 +% +If Drake and Taylor Swift went out, we'd hear both sides of the break up. + ―aa2114, Apr 2015 +% +Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs, yet everyone loves Captain +America. + ―ChiSoxSider, Apr 2015 +% +Now that I'm out of highschool, I realized that I only talked to people just +because I saw them everyday. + ―Lord_Putin_, Jun 2016 +% +16 year olds are competing in the Olympics and I still look at my Mum when the +Doctor asks what's wrong + ―Mazhar-Fakhar_, Aug 2016 +% +In the Harry Potter universe, you could probably get a .gif tattooed on you. + ―resonatingfury, Oct 2014 +% +My dog must think the lawnmower is a big loud monstrosity of a beast that I +sometimes take for slow boring walks. + ―190F1B44, May 2016 +% +The guy who said “Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird!” in the Superman intro was +strangely excited to see a bird... + ―danglyfigger, May 2016 +% +I'm only funny to my girlfriend because she doesn't use Reddit. + ―HairlessSasquatch, Oct 2016 +% +There are two kinds of jobs. Jobs where you shower before and jobs where you +shower after. + ―gamermattc89, Oct 2015 +% +Netflix should allow you to queue episodes from different tv shows, then play +them in that order, like a "Thursday Night Lineup" option. + ―Spekter5150, Nov 2014 +% +As a child I spent 25 cents for about four minutes of an arcade game, but as +an adult I won't pay $1 for a Mobile game I play for hours. + ―boldfacelies, Nov 2015 +% +The operation to undo a zombie apocalypse should be codenamed CTRL+Z + ―nikatosa, May 2015 +% +A GPS using only "warm" and "cold" for directions could be exciting or +terrible. + ―mistafrieds, Sep 2015 +% +Wolverine should be donating his organs over and over again every single day. + ―duckyducksworth, Jan 2016 +% +I’m sure my phone vibrates every now and then with no notification just to +make me think I’m going crazy. + ―2toneSound, Jan 2016 +% +There should be a show like chopped, but for tinkerers/engineers. Instead of +food you get scrap and have to make an interesting concept. + ―MrLemmings, Mar 2015 +% +When someone calls you a pussy ass bitch they are calling you three different +animals + ―Spanky_McFart, May 2016 +% +Few things are as comforting as seeing your exact issue pop up in Google +autocomplete + ―Filly14, Jul 2016 +% +Field goal kickers are like the IT guys of the NFL. When they do their job +correctly no one really noticed. But the entire world gives them shit when +something bad happens. + ―ID10TU53R, Jan 2016 +% +They should put password requirements next to the login so I can remember +which variation of my password I used. + ―TomtheZhang, Sep 2016 +% +Gonorrhoea sounds like a medicine to treat Diarrhoea + ―anthonyyladd, Feb 2015 +% +If I had a time machine, I'd go to a thrift store in 2056 and buy some +reasonably priced clothes from my own generation. + ―didgeboy287, Jun 2016 +% +I get oddly excited when my pee is clear and think "oh yea I'm so hydrated" + ―handygoat, Sep 2015 +% +They should show regular people attempting olympic events before the athletes +to remind everyone of how incredible the athletes are + ―no_YOURE_sexy, Jan 2016 +% +My dick and stomach are like my two business partners whose sole purpose is to +run the business into the ground. + ―genecalmer, Jul 2016 +% +Dubai is just a rich mans game of Minecraft. + ―Liars_Club_Founder, Apr 2015 +% +Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT +workers + ―Rot-Orkan, Jul 2014 +% +Back to the future should be remade every 30 years, with the exact same plot +except all the cultural references updated. That way every generating can +reflect on what is was like and how we thought the future would be. + ―johnnywings, Oct 2015 +% +If they don't name that ship Boaty Mcboatface I will not believe in democracy + ―Removerofkebab, Apr 2016 +% +The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do so quietly. + ―steak_n_bacon, Feb 2015 +% +Being born is the first time I did something for the last time and dying will +be the last time I do something for the first time + ―Airborneiron, Jun 2016 +% +Orlando Bloom sounds like a WNBA team. + ―zippywalnut, Aug 2014 +% +The funniest guy in the room is usually smart, but the smartest guy in the +room usually isn't very funny. + ―CrispyChickenSkin, Aug 2016 +% +If I had a dollar for every time someone misused "literally" I would +figuratively have a million dollars. + ―tMoneyMoney, Oct 2016 +% +Why the fuck do birds run across the street? You have fucking wings you little +shit, don't make me run your bird ass over. + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +Whenever I encounter a 30 second video ad, I silently think "This is a big +waste of my time", before spending 2 more hours watching meme compliations for +the rest of the night + ―PM_ME_UR_A_CUP, Oct 2016 +% +I'd actually be much more hesitant to ask my dad for $20 if he was made of +money. + ―vyrnhorn, Aug 2014 +% +I wouldn't be surprised if a copy of Deadpool (The movie) shows up on the +Pirate Bay, only for it to turn out to be an official video of Deadpool +talking to you about piracy and stuff. + ―off-and-on, May 2016 +% +If Wayne and Garth were YouTubers they would've been massively successful. + ―SaltySteveD87, Jun 2015 +% +To save the Panda from extinction, we need to start eating them. If there was +a market for panda, someone somewhere would get them to breed, no question. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +I just realized that being the dungeon master for your group of friends sounds +very different to someone who has never heard of D&D before + ―johnymyth123, Jun 2016 +% +Pimp my Ride should do a "where are they now" episode + ―wallydee, Aug 2014 +% +A "buttload" of underwear would be exactly one pair. + ―Nucalibre, Mar 2015 +% +America is not a "melting pot", it's a house salad, and people are constantly +trying to pick out the parts they don't like. + ―omgsus, Aug 2016 +% +Reddit has made my attention span so short I rarely read articles, I just +check the comments to see if the titles are true, false, or misleading. + ―PMacLCA, Mar 2016 +% +If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, some of the zombies would be wearing +Walking Dead t-shirts. + ―SuperPoop, Jun 2016 +% +Why the fuck is it even possible to raise only one side of the Venetian +blinds? Has anyone in the history of humankind EVER wanted to raise only one +side of their blinds? + ―Has_No_Gimmick, Nov 2014 +% +Because I only take my dog to awesome places like the beach and the dog park, +he must think that, every time I leave the house alone, I play by myself at +the beach and the dog park. + ―sciencehatesyou, Apr 2015 +% +Kids in the future will think the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center +spawned the idea/creation of "dial 911 for emergency". + ―pm_your_garage_gym, Sep 2015 +% +"Lefty loosey, Righty tightly" is probably the most useful thing anyone's ever +said to me + ―balls-rodrigo1, Mar 2015 +% +The deadliest character in video game history is probably the first goomba in +the original Super Mario Brothers. Between people not knowing how to play, not +paying attention, and little kids playing that level that guy has probably +killed Mario more times than all other bad guy characters combined. + ―furrrsurre, Apr 2015 +% +A bullet may have someone's name on it, but ten pounds of C4 is more 'to whom +it may concern' + ―dsobz, Oct 2015 +% +Hippo is faster then human both on land and in water, so bicycle is your only +chance to beat it in triathlon + ―jursla, Jun 2016 +% +Martin Luther King, Jr., gave his most famous speech so that people of all +races could go to school together. To celebrate his life, nobody goes to +school at all. + ―RobbNotRob, Jan 2015 +% +As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I +have to be careful not to curse around kids. + ―Loudsilences, Nov 2015 +% +Some ATM machines charge you £1.85 for cash withdrawals then have the audacity +to tell you to cover your pin to prevent getting robbed. + ―whytea_, May 2016 +% +Soon, when teens get caught smoking, they'll tell their parents it was just +pot, not cigarettes + ―LivinGhosT, Dec 2015 +% +People from the North probably walk faster because they want to get out of the +cold. People in the South probably walk slower because they don't want to work +up a sweat. + ―_Z9_, Jan 2016 +% +There should be an apologetic car horn so when you fuck up in traffic you can +say sorry without upsetting the other driver even more. + ―JMB-X, Mar 2016 +% +As a kid I used to think of "kicked the bucket" as a tame way to state +somebody died. I just realized as an adult it signifies kicking the bucket +from underneath your feet that is keeping you alive before you hang yourself. + ―TheDukeOfEllington, Sep 2016 +% +We shouldn't be able to unsubscribe from /Tattoos + ―Baardaad, Mar 2015 +% +If you were to continuously put tooth picks into a car, there would be a +maximum number of toothpicks that could fit. But it's hard to imagine a car +full of toothpicks where you couldn't easily put another one in. + ―smileedude, Jul 2015 +% +We have approximately 780000km of nerves in our bodies, yet a single one in my +tooth is enough to fuck up my whole week. + ―NOV3LIST, May 2016 +% +The Empire has built 3 deaths stars, each to be the most powerful weapon in +the galaxy. They have all been destroyed by x-wings. The Empire needs to +invest in x-wings + ―sentry0, Oct 2016 +% +Nothing is on fire, fire is on things. + ―JoePro1223, Apr 2016 +% +What really blows my mind is that NASA is able to receive data from a 4.67 +billion miles far away spacecraft, while i lose wifi signal once i move to the +kitchen + ―Medmehrez, Jul 2015 +% +One day robots are going to be sentient beings going through a fight for equal +rights, and we'll be the old generation saying "I'm not giving voting rights +to a damn machine", while our grandkids talk about how backward we all are + ―assumes, Dec 2015 +% +The worst part of Tinder is that it only helps you meet other people who are +at a place in their lives where using Tinder seems like a good idea. + ―Vrot-Sauce, Jan 2015 +% +"Lisp", "Stutter", and "Dyslexic" are all words that people with those +impediments would struggle with + ―piftsy, Mar 2015 +% +Every time I have to chase a ping-pong ball, I feel like a 3 year-old. I'm +convinced there is no cool way to chase a ping-pong ball. + ―Good4Josh2, Feb 2016 +% +To most of the girls of /r/gonewild their face is their most private part. + ―Engineered_Strong, Jun 2014 +% +In the first Harry Potter, Ron's attempt to change Scabber's colour didn't +work because he's not a real rat + ―TheCaptainCog, Oct 2015 +% +Snipers and surgeons need steady hands for the exact opposite reasons + ―Sindrin, Jun 2016 +% +After I poo, I do up my belt before I wash my hands. I have never washed my +belt. + ―inserthumourousname, Jan 2016 +% +As someone who is not religious, I say the words "Jesus Christ" more than +someone who is + ―fyfewoi, May 2016 +% +Mexicans are stereotyped as both taking all the jobs and doing no work at all. + ―BooglesDoogles, Aug 2016 +% +I can send someone a poop emoji, but I can't type a text with italics. + ―PacifistToYourFace, Oct 2014 +% +Can we all just take a moment to appreciate that Google is free + ―doubleaxel1951, Aug 2016 +% +There are more women named Ashley Madison than were women ON Ashley Madison + ―thx1139, Aug 2015 +% +Whoever designed the headphone jack really knocked it out of the +park. Universal compatibility for several decades now. + ―FricasseeingRabbit, Jan 2016 +% +For how culturally and ethnically diverse Reddit probably is, I basically see +you all as the same type of person + ―gr1ff_r1ff, Jun 2016 +% +As a girl, I have taken for granted my whole life that we can't get awkward +boners + ―CourageKitten, Mar 2016 +% +Saying "drugs and alcohol" is like saying "fruits and bananas" + ―Quasargyle, Jan 2016 +% +You never appreciate breathing through your nose, until you have a cold + ―Voidshrine, Apr 2016 +% +Kari, Tori, and Grant should create a YouTube channel where they continue to +bust myths. They would gain millions of Subscribers really quickly. + ―CamelPriest, Jul 2016 +% +I should find the one joke that makes an Alzheimer's patient laugh the hardest +and then repeat it to him every single day. + ―duneboggler, Feb 2015 +% +There's probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who's had it +with people's jokes. + ―Neuronzap, Apr 2015 +% +PornHub should have an educational category that shows you how to have safe +sex, open and put on a condom, etc.. + ―imb4u, Feb 2016 +% +Humans have a fear of aliens coming to Earth with superior technology and +killing everyone but that's exactly what happened to the Native Americans. + ―person_random, Apr 2016 +% +This is the first time I have made it through the month of October without +hearing "Monster Mash" once. + ―Skullkid9, Nov 2014 +% +Facebook should add a feature called "breakup" so it can immediately remove +all traces or even slight connections to your ex. + ―dodeleek88, Jan 2015 +% +Every morning I wake up and catch my brain closing some really weird open +tabs. But when I check the history, my brain's been on incognito mode all +night. + ―smileedude, Oct 2015 +% +It's really redundant when a news website has a "Read More" button cutting off +the article. I'm obviously on the page to read the article, I didn't open the +page just to look at their fucking mosaic of ads. + ―TitanicMan, Sep 2016 +% +I wish The Walking Dead would do another spinoff show that includes a +completely new cast every season (similar to how True Detective works). Every +season would chart the story of a different group of survivors from the +beginning of the outbreak to when they meet their inevitable demise. + ―ericb4prezident, Jul 2015 +% +If a male gets breast implants, can his nipples be shown on TV? + ―[deleted], Jun 2015 +% +What if a radio station said "Hey Siri, text my mom 'fuck you'.......... Send" + ―theWet_Bandits, Jun 2016 +% +I spent my early 20's trying to get new games to play on old computers and I +spent my late 30's trying to get old games to play on new computers + ―CIRCLJERK_REPOST_BOT, Jun 2016 +% +They really need a cricket emoji, for when people don't reply to a text. + ―ftrees, Feb 2016 +% +Losing your car keys in your house is the adult version of being grounded +until you clean. + ―lockd0wn, Oct 2016 +% +"Eh, fuck it" is the grown up version of "Hakuna matata." + ―kehumphr, Oct 2015 +% +Whenever I see a typing mistake on the Internet, I check my keyboard to see if +it's a reasonable error or not. + ―MoghyBear, Jun 2016 +% +Actors get paid more to pretend to go into space than astronauts get paid to +actually go! + ―Yoguls, Dec 2015 +% +There should be a rule that movies can only use footage from the first 20 +minutes of the film in the trailer + ―GiveMeBackMySon, Aug 2016 +% +When a father calls his daughter a princess, he is subtly calling himself a +king. + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +On a clear day you can see about 4 miles into the horizon, but on a clear +night you can see light years away + ―a_cool_username_, Dec 2015 +% +The older I get the more I realize that you're more of a rebel if you don't +smoke weed or drink + ―1194js, May 2016 +% +What if our use of emojis gradually becomes so extensive that we actually +circle back to writing in hieroglyphics. + ―luccampbell, Jul 2014 +% +Someone thought they were real fuckin' clever sneaking a B into the word +"Subtle" + ―tkalsey, Nov 2015 +% +A mullet will make you a redneck and also prevent you from getting one. + ―BakedKartoffel, Jun 2014 +% +Anakin Skywalker over the course of 6 movies lost 5 of his 4 limbs in 3 duels. + ―math_is_fake, Jan 2015 +% +Some day, "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Dr. Dre will be playing somewhere, and an +elderly couple will turn to each other and say, "They're playing our song." + ―emilhoff, May 2015 +% +I like Reddit better than Facebook because at least the idiots on Reddit are +anonymous. + ―ijui, Sep 2015 +% +The 'Just Say No' generation is now grown up and pushing to legalize +recreational marijuana. + ―SuperDadMan, Feb 2015 +% +Maybe Adele is in the charts so often because middle-aged women don't know how +to torrent + ―MrSark980, Mar 2016 +% +As a child I never thought about race, gender, or religion until school and +textbooks mentioned it + ―TheSholvaJaffa, Apr 2016 +% +Two people can be born at the exact same time yet have different birthdays +because of time zones. + ―Faphgeng, Dec 2015 +% +There's nothing wrong with taking candy from a baby, because babies shouldn't +be eating candy in the first place. + ―dolphin-monkey, Jul 2014 +% +You don't actually bite down on anything. You bite up. + ―baloo_the_bear, Aug 2016 +% +Books replaced tablets over a thousand years ago. + ―portajohnjackoff, Aug 2014 +% +California should be banned from posting to this subreddit until the drought +is over. + ―leonitis, Nov 2015 +% +Being a Canadian is confusing at times because you sound like an American, +write like a Brit and throw in just enough French words to freak everyone out. + ―DudeWithAHighKD, Oct 2015 +% +There are probably hundreds of great, unique and breakthrough reddit +posts/comments we'll never see because, in the middle of writting, the poster +thought "Fuck it. Why am I even writting that?" and didn't finish his thought. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +They should create a teenage-version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," but +instead of a million dollars, the winner gets a full scholarship to the +university of their choice + ―TheMiddleClass, Sep 2014 +% +If joggers did not exist, who would find all the dead bodies?? + ―laurellance77, Apr 2015 +% +The mullet was probably created to stop red necks. + ―t33po, May 2016 +% +If I buy a case of Digorno Pizza from Amazon, is or is it not delivery? + ―Pinstar, Nov 2015 +% +Warm beer and cold coffee are the same temperature. + ―CaliberHB, Apr 2015 +% +The guy who did the cinematography for the film JFK (1991), has “shot JFK” on +his résumé. + ―realwalkindude, Dec 2015 +% +"A mile a minute" sounds way faster than "60 miles an hour" + ―funmenjorities, Jun 2015 +% +When dads call their daughters princess, they are subtly calling themselves +king. + ―TheeOrangeCrush, May 2015 +% +Canadians are extremely polite because they are trying to make up for Canadian +geese being such dicks + ―Cast1736, Oct 2016 +% +I wonder if my cat thinks I just stand on the other side of my apartment's +door for 10 hours a day. + ―Febtober2k, Aug 2014 +% +If you didn't know what a chicken was and ordered chicken fingers, you'd think +they are huge. + ―Kireblade, Jun 2014 +% +What if your whole life flashing before your eyes right before you die happens +in real time? And what if we're living it right now? And what if we get deja +vu because we have small moments of consciousness where we realize this all +really HAS happened before? + ―happybex, Aug 2014 +% +If football had not existed, Messi would be a normal guy. Maybe I'm the best +player of a sport that doesn't exist, and that's why I'm a normal guy. + ―ILikeWoodenTables, Jun 2015 +% +The Rocky Mountains is an extremely lazy name for a mountain range. + ―thatkidthatkilledit, Apr 2015 +% +If sign spinners unionize and go on strike, it will be the most glorious +picket line ever. + ―mikeymike118, Apr 2016 +% +The "M" in "MTV" now stands for "miscellaneous." + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +People who say "I can text and drive just fine" are oblivious to how shitty +they drive because they're texting. + ―Dexter_McThorpan, Aug 2016 +% +Finding Bigfoot has been on the air for 5 years. It should be called Not +Finding Bigfoot. + ―nuggsgalore, Jun 2015 +% +I am surprised more ELI5 answers arent "because i told you so". + ―Sparchs, Jun 2015 +% +I don't pay attention to usernames unless someone says "username checks out." + ―watsonj3981, Mar 2016 +% +Minors have less freedom to do legal things, but more freedom to do illegal +things + ―xNPi, Aug 2015 +% +Tony Stark is an atheist, yet one of his friends is literally a god. + ―earlofspain, Dec 2015 +% +Bruce Banner is the only man who increases the size of his carbon footprint +when he goes green. + ―ColoredMarxers, Jul 2015 +% +Deadpool should "leak" the movie but have it like it is being recorded in a +theatre with Deadpool in the middle of the camera watching the movie but +covering the action and saying absurd things making it hard to see or hear the +movie + ―GameManiac180, Jan 2016 +% +The more money companies spend for longer, non skip-able YouTube ads, the less +I want to use their product. + ―ReallyAchieve, Sep 2016 +% +If I purchase a film legally, I have to sit through minutes of unskippable +piracy warnings and FBI threats. I could avoid this minor punishment and get +straight to the film if I chose to pirate it. + ―Nayrootoe, Oct 2016 +% +Willy Wonka got pretty lucky that all the winners spoke English + ―surfkaboom, Nov 2014 +% +I don't need to order the Ronda Rousey fight. I'll just watch the gif right +afterwards. + ―C-dubbb, Nov 2015 +% +No one has ever been in an empty room. + ―Kden133769, Apr 2016 +% +Fifty Shades of Grey would make a great title to a movie about a dog trying to +read a map of the United States + ―thepakman47, Feb 2015 +% +If an egg is broken by an outside force, life ends. If an egg is broken by an +inside force, life begins. + ―mungoflago, Aug 2016 +% +What if Han has no idea what Chewie is saying and he’s just making up shit to +agree with himself + ―holdpriority, Jan 2016 +% +Pulling out an earbud when someone enters the room is the 21st century's +ultimate sign of respect. + ―Prettyprettyyygood, Mar 2016 +% +Michael Phelps has more than enough gold coins to buy a star in Mario Party + ―Okay_I_Chuckled, Aug 2016 +% +At this point the phrase "beating a dead horse" should be replaced with +"beating a dead gorilla" + ―partint, Sep 2016 +% +If you don't reproduce, you are breaking a 4 billion year old family +tradition. + ―cavesickles, Nov 2015 +% +When you want to make sure a piece of paper doesn't get folded, you put it in +something called a folder. + ―SixesandNines, Nov 2014 +% +What if my brown birthmark is my real skin and I'm actually a black man +covered in a white birthmark + ―KuroMakura, Feb 2016 +% +"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for an abortion clinic. + ―CoheedLudes, Sep 2013 +% +I'm like the kid in school that's friends with everyone but when told to +partner up isn't anyone's first choice. + ―ShrimGods, Jul 2016 +% +When Stan Lee dies, all Marvel actors and actresses should dress up in +character and attend his funeral. + ―orangek1tty, Feb 2016 +% +On Christmas, Battlefield 1 should have a truce and turn into a soccer game +for 24 hours. + ―uselessphil, Oct 2016 +% +In 80 years or so, the this place will be a hub for the thoughts of the dead. + ―TheDalekCaan, Mar 2015 +% +What if Pixar's Cars took place after computers have annihilated the human +race and Google self-driving cars are all that are left. + ―HipNugget, Mar 2015 +% +If you really want to know how people think of you, start a game of charades +and enthusiastically point to yourself. + ―redlipstik, Jun 2015 +% +Sean Connery should probably never do a City Bank commercial. + ―Neuronzap, Feb 2015 +% +Netflix should have an 'On its Way Out' section so you have one last chance to +watch TV shows or movies before they get taken down. + ―rasta_banana, Jan 2015 +% +When I was a kid people told me I was too young to have anxeity now that I'm +grown people tell me I need to stop acting like a child and get over anxeity. + ―Branmuffin127, Jun 2016 +% +Someone in the United States has no clue that this is his last weekend with +all ten fingers. + ―BrazenBull, Jun 2016 +% +The Force Awakens is the first Star Wars movie to ever be the same number as +its episode number. + ―schwano, Dec 2015 +% +Twitter makes me like people I've never met. Facebook makes me hate people I +used to like. + ―Magsays, Apr 2016 +% +The idea that humans are able to consider another species "over populated" is +kind of arrogant. + ―A_Bridgeburner, Jul 2016 +% +Being a sexual partner of mine is a more exclusive club than being President +of the United States. + ―sch6808, Aug 2014 +% +As a Colorado native, I've only ever had sex a mile high. What I need to do is +join the Sea Level club. + ―celt1299, Mar 2015 +% +I wonder if people commit mass murders because they are products of this +instant gratification age and do not have the patience to be a serial killer. + ―ITakeMyBaconCrispy, Oct 2015 +% +If I were a ghost, id haunt people by knocking on their door as soon as they +started masturbating. + ―FHRITP69er, Dec 2015 +% +Reddit has become my morning newspaper + ―Krookz_, May 2016 +% +A ton of people would only be about 12 or 13 people. + ―zanglb, Jun 2015 +% +AirBNB is destroying the Hotel business like Uber is destroying the taxi +business like email destroyed the mail business and grocery stores destroyed +the milk man business. Such is life. + ―brewski4broski, Jul 2015 +% +If a Snickers is all it takes to satisfy you, you weren't hungry enough to +justify your bad attitude. + ―c4m31, Oct 2015 +% +I play the Sims to escape reality and live impossible fantasies—like having a +house and job. + ―MeganCool, Aug 2016 +% +When I was young I used to look away when characters kissed because it was +gross. Now I look away because it reminds me how sad and alone I am... + ―DarthSadness, Apr 2016 +% +Think about how dangerous and bizarre Walmart would be if it were as poorly +lit as Hollister. + ―Dreamlite, Sep 2016 +% +The Amish are a wonderful example of how you can be a religious fanatic and +not be a menace. + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +No one has ever been in an empty room + ―BobaFettuccine, Mar 2015 +% +Kanye West should re-release his entire discography and title it 'Kanye's +Greatest Hits' + ―KungFooNoodle, Feb 2015 +% +If you got your tongue stuck in a mouse trap, you'd start pronouncing it mouth +trap, and that is also what it would be, and that is pleasing + ―misterbrill, May 2015 +% +When I was young, my dad went with me to the car dealership to make sure I +didn't get ripped off. Now I go with him to the Verizon store to make sure he +isn't getting ripped off. + ―hackerschooldropout, Nov 2015 +% +As a woman, when I say "my partner" people assume I mean my business +partner. When my husband says "my partner" people assume he is gay. + ―mokatter, Nov 2015 +% +I usually end up ignoring the featured links on Google even if they are +exactly what I'm looking for + ―art_-vandelay, Feb 2016 +% +No matter how good I clean my body, I feel filthy until I brush my teeth. + ―schaeffer22, Oct 2016 +% +When you get to a certain age you're sneaking a glance at her ring finger, not +her boobs. + ―absrd, Feb 2015 +% +All pants and jeans should have pockets lined with microfiber material so your +phone gets cleaned every time you put it in your pocket. + ―argonian_, Oct 2015 +% +Not caring about Star Wars right now is kinda like being Jewish during +December. + ―BraveLilToaster42, Dec 2015 +% +100 yrs ago we had trouble flying, 50 yrs ago we flew to the moon, yesterday +we flew by pluto. + ―bananapowercat, Jul 2015 +% +Given that I visit Reddit far more often than Facebook, it stands to reason +that I prefer perfect strangers over actual friends and family. + ―dep, Oct 2015 +% +I wonder if we will get to the point in car safety that a car crash will make +international news like a plane crash does? + ―Danny41294, Jan 2015 +% +As a child, falling asleep in the car and being carried to bed was the most +amazing thing in the world. Now, as a father, doing the same for my daughter +is equally as amazing. + ―Hobo_pancakes, Jun 2015 +% +Today, as I go off to work, I'm cosplaying a responsible adult who doesn't get +baked as shit every night. + ―asleepatthewhee1, Sep 2015 +% +A college diploma is just a receipt + ―Ugadawg101, May 2015 +% +I can tie a tie. I can fix my car. Youtube has replaced my father. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +During leap years we should take the extra day and move it from February 29th +to December 32nd. Then we can make a big holiday out of it and have a combined +Leap Day/New Years extravaganza every 4 years. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +If I die a virgin that means I have a terrorist waiting to have sex with me up +there. + ―Redbullgivesyouherpe, Jul 2015 +% +They should release 2 super hero movies at the same time. One from the +protagonist POV and the other from the antagonist POV. Let the audience decide +who is right. + ―iczk, Aug 2016 +% +People use brown paper bags to hide the fact that they're drinking alcohol +even tho nobody uses them to drink soft drinks. + ―pipi55, Jun 2016 +% +Necrophilia happened often enough fhat they had to invent a word for it + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +No Man's Sky is basically running around planets full of nothing but people's +forgotten Spore creatures. + ―am_snek, Aug 2016 +% +Grandpa Joe Laid in bed for 20 years while his daughter and grandson worked +their asses off to support him. As soon as he gets to go to a chocolate +factory, he literally dances out of the door. Grandpa Joe was an asshole. + ―Sam_Vimes81, Nov 2015 +% +Amazon Prime Movies should have a category called "Not on Netflix" for people +who have both services. + ―Phister_BeHole, Jan 2015 +% +My parents taught me to not talk to strangers online. Now that's pretty much +all I do on this website. + ―I_Am_Not_Blue, Oct 2016 +% +If someone shouts "GET DOWN" or "PUT YOUR HANDS UP", you're about to have a +great time, or a really bad one. + ―BryceLawrence, Jul 2015 +% +When I want to have a document forever, I scan it into the computer. When my +parents want to have a document forever, they print it out. + ―exzact, Mar 2016 +% +Rihanna made more money by saying work in her song than I will ever make in my +life by actually working. + ―clover_408, Jul 2016 +% +When the first child is born on Mars, we will have add Planet of Birth to our +passports. + ―Zetsubou_, Dec 2014 +% +If a human sperm cell contains 37.5 megabytes of data, and I have 215 million +sperm cells, then I have an 8 petabyte ballsack. + ―mcc5159, Apr 2015 +% +It's pretty easy for Simba and Mufasa to be singing the Circle of Life when +they're the ones at the top of the food chain. I bet the zebras hate that +song. + ―StingyMango, Jun 2015 +% +Mankind has gone from tablets to scrolls and now we're scrolling on tablets. + ―studmuffin715, Aug 2016 +% +Grand Theft Auto is such a common game now that I frequently forget that it's +the name of an actual crime + ―Redditapology, Jun 2016 +% +What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it? + ―iKojack, Dec 2014 +% +If another country goes to the moon and knocks over the USA flag I would bet +the US is crazy enough to send people back to the moon just to fix it and put +the flag up right again. + ―SuicideSheep_, Sep 2015 +% +Somewhere out there is a man who has jacked-off more than anybody else in the +world + ―come-on-now-please, Mar 2015 +% +After this week, Back to the Future will take place entirely in the past + ―nazgul_hunter, Oct 2015 +% +Auctioneers are proof white people can rap if they try hard enough. + ―sleazedisease, Nov 2015 +% +There is a whole generation that doesn't know that Pirates of the Caribbean +was a Disneyland ride decades before it was ever a movie. + ―DoubleOhOne, Sep 2015 +% +People who rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation + ―SlooshMcGoosh, Jul 2015 +% +Drug-resistant bacteria are like that hero in action movies who witnessed his +entire family get murdered before his eyes and now has grown up, become +extremely deadly, and now want revenge against us. + ―yepyep1yepyep, Apr 2016 +% +The swimming pool in the Titanic is still full. + ―Ashe225, May 2015 +% +A good way to fix the Youtube comments could be to only allow comments after +you watched at least 50% of the video + ―jaynatale, Jul 2016 +% +Tomorrow, /r/TIFU will be flooded with people's pranks gone horribly wrong. + ―_Lazyland_, Mar 2015 +% +In eleven days, 2030 will be as far away as 2000 + ―jeromecarlos, Dec 2014 +% +I keep my condoms in the same nightstand drawer as my gun. I have protection +from every type of human in that drawer, from the unborn to the undead. + ―Meepster23, Nov 2015 +% +I wish I was as skinny as the first time I thought I was fat. + ―BananaSunshineTurtle, Mar 2016 +% +The name "Cunningham" sounds perfectly normal, yet the name "Cleverpork" would +be totally weird. + ―[deleted], Apr 2014 +% +My mom always told me, "Don't talk to strangers online." But that's all I do. + ―jswilly12, Dec 2015 +% +Who looked at a bowl of rice and was like " I bet the most efficient way of +eating this is with two sticks" + ―cchen080, Jul 2016 +% +As I've got older, cereal has become less of a breakfast and more of a late +night snack + ―YTJay, Oct 2016 +% +In a game of tag between a very good sprinter and a very good distance runner, +the chaser will always catch the other one. + ―a_random_reddit, Oct 2015 +% +"Pilot" is actually a fitting name for the first episode of LOST + ―skjortekrage, Dec 2015 +% +As a teenager the funniest part of reddit is remembering that most of you are +adults. + ―Chadude100, Jul 2016 +% +Tom Cruise predominantly plays characters that fight / kill aliens, but is a +member of a religion that worships aliens as deities. + ―imherefornews, Apr 2015 +% +Drinking water through a straw is the opposite of snorkeling. + ―DavidMcl, Apr 2015 +% +The first Pokemon that was caught was by a guy just beating it up. + ―JGP793, May 2015 +% +If we all move to Voat, it should be renamed "Redidit". + ―preditor22000, Jul 2015 +% +Wizards smoke out of long pipes so they do not risk setting their beards on +fire. + ―Alistar1996, Sep 2016 +% +Instead of remaking good films, we should remake shitty ones that showed +potential. + ―Arthur_Fookin_Dayne, Sep 2016 +% +If I knock up my girlfriend tonight, 12 years from now I won't have to shovel +snow. + ―turnpikenorth, Feb 2015 +% +Blue + yellow = green. Water + Sun = plants. + ―St0rytime, Dec 2015 +% +Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in you'll disappear. + ―[deleted], May 2015 +% +Every country has an Independence Day except Britain because they were the +ones everybody was seeking independence from + ―kobyok, Sep 2015 +% +If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the +metric system by the next game. + ―imantisocial, Feb 2015 +% +If Netflix had a "I don't want to watch this movie. Ever" option, its +recommendations would be much better + ―pratchettjob, Feb 2015 +% +The word "Anna" shifted down the alphabet one letter becomes "Boob" + ―s4082211, Apr 2014 +% +My mom asked me how to screenshot on her iPhone. I laughed and then remembered +she taught me how to use a spoon and a toilet. + ―OziPerv, Jan 2016 +% +We are all dying at an alarmingly fast rate. Eating and drinking just pushes +that impending death back by a few hours + ―xenafrank, Nov 2015 +% +Mona Lisa was the first Kardashian, famous for nothing. + ―KomradeTuniska, Sep 2016 +% +Childbirth is literally an emergency. + ―PaintedCeiling, Dec 2013 +% +A comedy show about hammered people explaining historical events has more to +do with history than most shows on The History Channel. + ―just-casual, Aug 2015 +% +Mr. Peanut is an aristocrat who sells dead and dry-roasted members of his own +species. + ―treebeardismyfather, Jun 2015 +% +Weird Al's career has outlived the career of most of the musicians he parodied + ―Bpbegha, Nov 2014 +% +"Buy the textbook I wrote" is the university lecturer version of "Buy my +mixtape, it's fire" + ―PadfootProngs123, Feb 2016 +% +We stick kids in classrooms 7 hours a day, give them another few hours of +homework, actively discourage them from playing outside, and then wonder why +kids today are so out of shape. + ―39336, Jul 2016 +% +Anytime I see a dog with 3 legs I feel really bad but then I realize he looks +at me with 2 legs and I probably give him inspiration + ―bean0s0rz, Aug 2016 +% +Frozen pizza should be pre-cut in case to bake just a slice + ―woopinarse, May 2015 +% +The two main characters of the show "Veggie Tales" are a tomato and a +cucumber. Neither are technically vegetables. + ―KillThePromQueen, Sep 2015 +% +I would much rather watch Gandalf vs Dumbledore than Batman vs Superman + ―RagnarLee, Mar 2016 +% +Kanye West should buy YouTube ads that play before Taylor Swift's songs. + ―adamchal, Apr 2015 +% +A male lunch lady is a lunch lord. + ―brenan6, May 2015 +% +Because they're loud and heavily-perfumed, Abercrombie & Fitch stores are +ideal spots for farting. + ―comfortablydrei, Sep 2014 +% +We need a new TL;DR. How about TS;DL (Too slow; didn't look) for those times +when the picture or gif takes too damn long to load! + ―NAMKNURD, Jul 2015 +% +I want MythBusters to melt steel beams with jet fuel. + ―Alaskanmade, Jul 2015 +% +The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's +spelled incorrectly. + ―DeusExNoctis, Jun 2014 +% +Cats probably think we are cleaning our ice cream + ―CUnitingTheWorld, Jan 2016 +% +I'd watch a reality tv show where 4chan people and tumblr people are stranded +on an island and have to work together to survive. + ―avatarzach, Jan 2016 +% +Maybe "Smith" is a common surname because blacksmiths were never forced to +serve in combat roles during war time. + ―Habbeighty-four, Jul 2014 +% +If Luke Skywalker ends up being the villain in the new Star Wars trilogy, then +Obi-Wan Kenobi really sucks at training Jedis to be good. + ―atownfasho, Nov 2015 +% +If she wasn't famous, Oprah would just be one of those Facebook moms that fall +for fake news stories, clickbait and trolls. + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +Being old means referring to 3AM as "really early" instead of "really late". + ―Peterpasteeater, Mar 2015 +% +They should make a special reddit for bedtime, called beddit, that only lets +you look at calm, peaceful happy things, not creepy or sad things. + ―deiam, Jun 2015 +% +A relationship is like a DLC for life. It adds a ton of extra content, and a +new storyline, but it usually involves spending a lot of money. + ―typhoon937, Sep 2015 +% +If ads had like and dislike buttons, maybe companies would realize how +annoying they were and make better ones. + ―flynnsanity3, Apr 2016 +% +Whenever someone uses "my partner" I can't help but think they are gay, +regardless of situation. + ―Bpbegha, Sep 2016 +% +It's sad how the death of one earpiece of your headphones leaves the other to +a life of neglect & uselessness for no fault of its own. + ―floydimus, Jan 2015 +% +FedEx and UPS drivers are the closest things we have to an actual Santa Claus, +and Amazon is essentially the north pole. + ―chAcebot, Dec 2015 +% +South Park Has a Better Grasp of Current Events than the News Does. + ―tenlenny, Sep 2016 +% +I can slowly feel myself getting older by how long I have to scroll down to +find my birth year on website age gates. + ―salad_dressing_dude, Oct 2014 +% +Everyone is hiding their naked body from us. Our goal is to find someone and +convince them stop. + ―jagstax, Dec 2014 +% +My birth control pill pack is like an advent calendar for my period. + ―sv21js, May 2015 +% +The Food Network should do a late night show called Drunk Cooking: sauced up +famous chefs cooking their favorite drunk snacks + ―Cacciamani, Dec 2014 +% +Most people fantasize about winning the lottery to buy a mansion, fancy cars, +etc. I just want to win so I don't have to get up for work tomorrow. + ―JordanxHouse, Sep 2016 +% +The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they +included a corkscrew on their army knife. + ―Mukhers, Jan 2014 +% +Whenever a human walks through a spider web I bet the spider who built it is +super psyched for a few seconds that he caught something so big + ―Rdubya44, May 2016 +% +Facebook should charge users $4.99 to block all the Ice Bucket Challenge post +from your timeline, and donate all that money to ALS research. + ―blizzardwizard88, Aug 2014 +% +Caterpillars have mastered beauty sleep + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +The people who preach abstinence as the guaranteed way to prevent pregnancy +also believe in the Virgin birth. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +The only reason his name is Aquaman is because it couldn't have been Seaman. + ―PunyMan9, May 2015 +% +If your parachute doesn't deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it. + ―hulagirl4737, Apr 2016 +% +"Elevator music" is such a widely recognized and referenced term, but yet +everytime I am on an elevator there is no damn elevator music + ―Noloughlin, Oct 2015 +% +Willy Wonka sent out his chocolate bars worldwide, and 5 white kids (4 with +first-world problems) still won. + ―sunbandit, Nov 2015 +% +Guys get erections every morning, right? The concept of "morning" varies +depending on where you live, with the "morning line" basically spinning around +the earth infinitely, right? So does that mean that humanity has been doing a +"boner wave" around the earth for hundreds of thousands of years? + ―adejesus123, Jul 2014 +% +Butterfinger should host a bowl game, and invite the two teams that had the +most fumbles during the regular season. + ―cptncivil, Sep 2014 +% +Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson should host a cooking show where contestants have to +guess what he's cooking by smell alone. + ―ULTRA_Lenin, Nov 2014 +% +The tallest person on Earth has been the same height as every person on Earth. + ―Cazcheck, Jul 2015 +% +We should start referring to 'Age' as 'Levels', so when you're Lvl 80 it +sounds more badass than just being an old person. + ―JediFlipTricks, Oct 2015 +% +Bill Gates and I have a combined fortune of around 80 billions of dollars. + ―levraifix, Jun 2015 +% +I wish fat was like muscle; if you don't use it, you lose it. + ―budearl, Sep 2016 +% +If you re-watch Tom and Jerry as an adult, all you see is a cat trying to live +his life and be good for his human whilst a violent and possibly psychotic +mouse destroys the house, and physically harms Tom on a very regular basis. + ―TheHumpback, Oct 2014 +% +Instead of the money spent on mice for marijuana studies, I would happily pay +$10 to get high and run a maze. + ―jBeardly, Aug 2016 +% +If Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold ran for president, it would be +Arnold/Schwarzenegger 2020. If they went by their first names, it would be +Tom/Arnold 2020. + ―notseansaccount, Sep 2014 +% +As a child, I couldn't believe adults knew so much. As an adult, I can't +believe adults know so little. + ―kidbuddy, Mar 2016 +% +My girlfriend and I touch other peoples genitals moreso than we do each +others... I'm an Ob/Gyn and she's a urologist. + ―Hoptoitmofo, May 2016 +% +Netfilx should incorporate a downvote button so I don't have to see the same +movies in top picks every time I log in. + ―insomniacritic, May 2015 +% +I just realized it's called the Mediterranean sea because it's in the middle +of all that land. + ―Shoelace_Farmer, Dec 2015 +% +It's ok if Playboy stops publishing nudes, because everyone I've ever talked +to only gets the magazine for the articles. + ―JJMFB417, Oct 2015 +% +Thank God everyone agrees on the color of traffic lights. + ―hotterthanahandjob, Feb 2015 +% +The older generations that complain about milenials being lazy and reclusive +were the same generation that took away our fun playgrounds for not being safe +enough. + ―PolitelyHostile, May 2016 +% +Girl Scouts are the ONLY door to door salesmen that make me want to say "Where +the hell have you been?!" when they show up + ―BloodyFreeze, Feb 2015 +% +In space reverse cowgirl and doggy are the same thing + ―alberpopov, Sep 2016 +% +We should take a moment to just appreciate that not only Google search exists +but it is also for free. + ―Katberga, Mar 2016 +% +If I put an empty bowl out on Halloween with a sign that says "Take one", I'll +look like a good person and everyone will think someone just took all the +candy + ―TheJigIsUp, Oct 2016 +% +My penis grew a beard faster than I did. + ―sonicbash206, May 2015 +% +When an actor or actress passes on, services like Netflix and Amazon should +stream their films free to all for a week so we all may remember and enjoy +them one more time. (RIP Gene) + ―cvg_crazy, Aug 2016 +% +Its weird how my brain automaticly reads "wtf" as "what the fuck" but still +reads lol as l-o-l + ―BrokenSalsaJar, Feb 2016 +% +All of the best skipping rocks are in the middle of the lake. + ―Jra399, May 2016 +% +The only major black character in Breaking Bad sells crystal meth and fried +chicken + ―Procrasturbator11235, Oct 2015 +% +My six month old daughter has tripled her weight since birth. If this trend +continues, by the time she's 10 she'll weigh over 17 billion pounds + ―Bumbershot, Jan 2015 +% +I wish there was an office-acceptable non-smoking reason to intermittently go +outside and do nothing productive for about 10 minutes at a time. + ―RagingMage, Aug 2016 +% +Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, thank goodness it's the +yawn. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +My professor's whiteboard eraser has absorbed more information about my field +of study than I have. + ―electric_stew, Oct 2016 +% +We're "repeating" the Sixties. Space exploration, Russian conflict, marijuana +legalization, race issues. + ―WaalsVander, Dec 2014 +% +I don't understand how, late into the zombie apocalypse when the zombies have +lost a lot of weight, they aren't walking with their pants around their ankles +and tripping all the time. + ―comfortnuggets, Aug 2016 +% +In a single lifetime, George Takei has gone from being sent to an internment +camp for being Japanese, to being able to marry his gay lover + ―Mantis_Pantis, Sep 2015 +% +A car with 25,000 miles on the odometor is considered low mileage. 25,000 +miles is approximately the circumfrence of the earth. A low mileage car has +already 'traveled around the world.' + ―BeerDuh, Jul 2014 +% +If Penis Enlargement pills claiming to double your size actually worked, you +could have a penis as long as the galaxy is wide with only 73 pills + ―UrsulaMajor, Jun 2015 +% +I bet giraffes don't even know what a fart smells like + ―dontdoutyme, Oct 2015 +% +Listening to my grandma gossip about the people she knows feels a lot like +trying to watch Game of Thrones from the 5th season. There's too many people +to keep track of, you can't remember the names or who's related to whom, why +this guy is relevant, what's going on, or who's going to die next + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +Amazon should have an option where you can choose to donate the remaining +amount in order to get to 35$+ total to get free shipping. + ―nickperry11, Mar 2015 +% +"To whom it may concern" would be a good way to start an agnostic's prayer. + ―PurelyApplied, Dec 2014 +% +We should put a picture of the moon landing on american currency. + ―Squid344, May 2016 +% +They should stop naming hurricanes after generic first names, but instead +solicit corporate sponsors who would pay a marketing fee to help offset the +damage costs of the impending storm in exchange for publicity + ―Incubus910, May 2016 +% +In about 15 years, karaoke bars will be overrun with groups of drunk girls +singing "Let it Go." + ―man_mayo, Dec 2014 +% +More Americans have been dumped by Taylor Swift than have died from Ebola. + ―SergeantR, Oct 2014 +% +We should pay students to attend school, take aptitude tests, and receive +bonuses for completing their courses and graduating early; low income families +could earn money just by making sure their kids succeeded. + ―VonnegutIce9, Oct 2016 +% +Sometimes, when I get sick, I think back about the times I was healthy and +think about how ungrateful I was to be healthy. This is probably what it feels +like to be old. + ―pianotimes, Apr 2015 +% +The Titanic's swimming pool is still functional. + ―ptk77, Apr 2016 +% +We are too lazy to go take a shower, but once we do, we don't want to leave +anymore. + ―mygamja, Dec 2015 +% +I don't agree with "save the children first" mentality. It takes way less time +to replace a 5 year old kid than it does a 40 year old. + ―CynicismSells, Jul 2016 +% +I've insulted my best friends more than I've insulted my worst enemies. + ―romaje, Sep 2015 +% +I like how the term "as fuck" is a common unit of measurement. + ―ElemancerZzei, Jun 2015 +% +Adults complaining about the younger generation are really just saying their +generation did a shitty job raising their kids. + ―shlogan, Sep 2014 +% +The more popular this post becomes, the greater the chance that someone who +has read it will be hit by a bus. + ―Pop_Off_My_Diuuck, Dec 2014 +% +As a parent I would be less concerned about what my son downloads from +Internet than what my daughter uploads on it. + ―poushkar, May 2016 +% +This Olympics is on track to be the worst Olympics in history and we already +have a Nazi Hosted Olympics in the books. + ―Da_hypnotoad, Jul 2016 +% +Windows 10 rebooting without permission is like your mother coming into your +room, closing all the books on your desk, and putting them away while your in +the middle of a massive research project. There seems to be no stopping it. + ―joetheschmo13, Mar 2016 +% +Bags of cat food should come with cat toys inside like cereal boxes for +children. + ―Golanthanatos, Feb 2015 +% +Sex drive should be a major criteria in matchmaking and dating sites. + ―ninjbyte, Aug 2015 +% +The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood. + ―HarrySeverusPotter, Aug 2016 +% +Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at +work? + ―AlbeitEinstein1989, Aug 2016 +% +Every person sees the world in a unique way. When someone dies it is, in a +way, the death of an entire world. + ―lateralus141, Oct 2014 +% +A person from 150 years ago would be terrified by modern stuff. However, a +duck from 150 years ago would just be all like, still got lakes? yes ? okay +cool + ―ChrismaLA, Apr 2016 +% +Saying um is the human equivalent to buffering + ―AnxietyAttack2013, Apr 2014 +% +Battlefield 1 should honor the Christmas Truce of World War I by disabling all +weapons on Christmas day. + ―leejoness, Sep 2016 +% +I recently came to the startling conclusion I will probably never ride a +giraffe in my lifetime. + ―Serialnarcisist, Aug 2016 +% +A zombie outbreak could be prevented if people were buried with their shoe +laces tied together. + ―youngnreckless, May 2015 +% +I always felt bad that the rabbit never got any trix and I hated the kids for +it. + ―TeaTimeBeatings, Jan 2016 +% +I think that every time a single sock goes missing, it shows up as an extra +Tupperware lid. + ―thekingofmeh, Oct 2016 +% +"On your mark, Get set, Go!" Counts down in syllables 3, 2, 1. + ―j3lunt, Sep 2014 +% +When I was a kid, Uber meant "the best". Now it means "Taxi". + ―FearOfAllSums, Jun 2016 +% +Pornhub should make their app a fake calculator that only opens the real thing +if you type in 80085 + ―UBahn1, Apr 2015 +% +People who chew with their mouths open have literally no idea that there are +people who daydream about brutally murdering them whenever they eat in public. + ―actually_crazy_irl, Jun 2016 +% +Heat, Pressure, and Time. The three things that make a diamond, are also the +three things that make a waffle. + ―IDontCareAboutUpvote, Jul 2016 +% +If high school was a movie, high schoolers wouldn't be allowed to watch it. + ―1greekman, Jun 2015 +% +I'm not sure who is more happy, Leo for winning his Oscar, or me for not +having to hear about Leo and his lack of Oscar wins any more. + ―QuincyQuickQuestion, Feb 2016 +% +Tipping your waiter is like paying shipping and handling for your food. + ―ChickenTitilater, May 2016 +% +All the characters from Toy Story are Chinese + ―Lucius_Annaeus_Senec, Apr 2015 +% +If I created a pregnancy test app, I wonder how many people I can convince to +pee on their phone? + ―Vindictive-Penguin, Aug 2015 +% +WWI and WWII were 21 years apart and in the first we used horses and in the +second we used atomic bombs + ―2manylemons, Aug 2016 +% +McAfee Antivirus acts more like a virus than anything else on my computer... + ―munkindonuts, Apr 2015 +% +In England you can join the army at 16 but have to be 18 to buy Call Of Duty + ―antiheromcr, Nov 2015 +% +Seth Rogan is this generation's Adam Sandler. A Jewish comedian that makes +comedies with the same actors in every movie. + ―samicktorino, Sep 2016 +% +They should have a countdown on the screen in movie theaters so you know if +you have time to go to the bathroom before the movie starts + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +Must be hard for pornstar family members to surf porn sites + ―kdlasjfl, Jun 2016 +% +We're one bad Hollywood decision away from a Minecraft feature film, and +that's scary + ―dontflyaway, Jun 2016 +% +Zombies are perpetual motion machines. they shouldn't be destroyed but used as +an energy source. + ―Seven68, Oct 2016 +% +The NFL is basically watching millionaires beat the shit out of each other for +ugly jewelry + ―hankerchief31, Sep 2016 +% +"Unbelievable actor" is more of an insult than a compliment + ―TheRealDealDawg, Nov 2015 +% +As someone in Scotland, it feels like England is being the friend who got way +too drunk and got us kicked out of the club. + ―katherkelly, Jun 2016 +% +When Bill Gates sits down in a café, it's average customer instantly becomes a +billionaire. + ―TheEnemyOfMyAnenome, Sep 2015 +% +1000 years ago people worshipped Thor, the god of thunder. In another 1000 +years, will Jesus Christ join the Avengers? + ―Mrpockets292, Dec 2015 +% +School is meant to bring new humans up to speed on humanity's progress so far. + ―IBetz, Oct 2014 +% +In 1916, the average person owned a horse and was considered "rich" if they +owned a car. In 2016, it's the other way around. + ―MeowMixSong, Aug 2016 +% +The kids in high school that you thought should never be parents usually have +kids before anyone else. + ―jmeltzy, Aug 2015 +% +If you were 6 inches tall, you wouldn't have any financial problems +whatsoever. (hear me out) + ―The_Hippopotamoose, Oct 2014 +% +A cop wearing a "Fuck the Police" t-shirt at a party is just making a clever +suggestion. + ―JFKinc, Nov 2014 +% +Netflix needs a "I have 30 min before I'll fall asleep and I want to watch +something funny" category. + ―tcd004, Jul 2015 +% +Children are dicks by default. That's why they get compliments when they +behave themselves. + ―i_want_my_sister, Sep 2015 +% +I had blood drawn this morning. Later in the day I lost my virginity. My +virgin blood still exists somewhere on earth, but it's not in me. + ―Lfcjdp, Dec 2015 +% +George R.R. Martin is taking his time writing the final GoT books because he +realized the only way to hurt fans more than killing off all their favorite +characters is to die himself before completing the series. + ―notlogic, Feb 2016 +% +What if instead of buying plastic bottles for shampoo, conditioner and body +wash, we had refillable containers and there were dispensers for each brand at +supermarkets/convenient stores. + ―vinnzic, Mar 2016 +% +Google Maps should have a "road trip" feature that highlights points of +interest along your planned route. + ―IronHelm, Jul 2016 +% +Baby Boomers were the generation of rebellion yet cant handle that their +children dont want to live the way they did. + ―InsaneUpboat, Aug 2016 +% +'How It's Made' should do an episode about making an episode of 'How It's +Made' + ―fancy_pance, Oct 2013 +% +We are going to feel pretty silly when it turns out North Korea has been +firing missiles at sea monsters this whole time. + ―to_tomorrow, Jul 2016 +% +Computer labs should flicker its lights every now and then, to remind students +to save their work. + ―EetzRusheen, Apr 2014 +% +Giraffes must take forever to vomit + ―irritatedcitydweller, Dec 2014 +% +If marijuana ever becomes fully legal, drug sniffing dogs will have to be +retrained to ignore the smell. + ―the_visalian, Nov 2015 +% +According to the general media it seems like absolutely everyone has Twitter, +yet I don't know a single person who uses Twitter. + ―spinuptheFTL, Aug 2016 +% +The Truman Show must've been really awkward during his teen years. + ―rendezook99, Nov 2015 +% +Googling 'nice truck' will never be the same again. + ―Bill-Murrays-Wiener, Jul 2016 +% +Cars should have "sorry" lights you can activate when you do something stupid. + ―dawbles, Aug 2014 +% +Someone who watched The Ring probably did die seven days later. + ―Pineapple__Jews, Jul 2014 +% +Non-smokers get the time smokers get for cigarette breaks at the end of their +lives + ―kenbez123, Sep 2014 +% +Someone should throw a Halloween party where everyone dresses like cops so if +it ever gets busted, there would just be mass confusion. + ―Andy_Carl, Sep 2015 +% +There should be a DEFCON system for NSFW posts. + ―BammaLamb, Jan 2015 +% +In Space Jam, Marvin the Martian is the referee precisely because he's both a +Looney Tune and a Space Alien. + ―metcalsr, Jan 2016 +% +It would suck to be in a car crash outside a Halloween party; You'd show up +bloody with your jaw hanging off and everyone would say "Sick costume, dude!" + ―postmodest, Oct 2016 +% +The amount of public bathroom stall graffiti has drastically declined since +the widespread use of smartphones. + ―IamTheFirestarter, Jun 2015 +% +If you wear an invisibility cloak inside out, does the universe around you +disappear? + ―lars180, Feb 2015 +% +When Chumbawamba got knocked off the charts after their one hit they never got +back up again. + ―methodmouse, Feb 2016 +% +If I have 2 choices and 1 of them is taken away, I have 0 choices. + ―Sir_Flashypants, Nov 2015 +% +Maybe people should start getting a three, five, or ten years term on their +marriages, with an option to renew/terminate at the end of the term. They get +tax benefits, and if things aren't working out, there's an exact date to look +forward to instead of a messy divorce. + ―hobbesncalvin, Aug 2015 +% +Somewhere out there there's a couple who holds the record for the longest time +spent trying to find one another in the grocery store. + ―apricotpajamas, Oct 2015 +% +Abstinence-only sex ed is like a defensive driving course that says, "Don't +drive." + ―Cecilyn, Dec 2015 +% +I could get 90% off a Bugatti and I still wouldn't be able to afford it. + ―Jarmahent, Nov 2015 +% +I wonder if alcohol has been responsible for more deaths or conceptions since +its discovery. + ―Giroflex, Jan 2016 +% +Never have I once clicked on a news article and thought, "Man, I really hope a +video starts playing automatically" + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +"Strap-on" spelled backwards is "no parts". + ―Illuminaughty66, Nov 2013 +% +Luke Skywalker was an angry young male from the desert, who was indoctrinated +by a religious fringe member, and joined a terror plot to blow up a major +military instillation. Luke is a 9/11 pilot... + ―Claim_to_Lame, Mar 2015 +% +I want to throw a party where everyone dresses in coveralls, wears big +headlamps and smears soot on their faces. Then someone will call the cops and +reports a party with "a bunch of miners drinking alcohol." + ―NotThtPatrickStewart, Sep 2015 +% +Every single year, someone shows up an hour late for work when we set the +clocks ahead an hour but I have never seen anyone show up an hour early to +work when we move them back in the fall. + ―swiggertime, Mar 2016 +% +If the blood of Christ is wine and the average alcohol content of wine is +13.5% then Jesus was 168.75 time over the legal limit to drive. Jesus don't +take the wheel. + ―woah_joe_no, Oct 2016 +% +If I were in the mafia, I'd always use a remote starter for my car + ―alehx, Jun 2014 +% +If I ever started doing porn, I wouldn't pick a traditional "porn name". I +would name myself after the biggest bitch from my high school class, and set +out to make myself the dirtiest, most disgusting porn star of all time. + ―brandynb, Feb 2015 +% +If I start watching Back to the Future II at 4:25:39 PM today, the time +circuits in the movie and the actual time will line up exactly when they first +arrive in 2015. + ―RealHot_RealSteel, Oct 2015 +% +Microsoft should make all previous versions of Windows free, upon release of a +new version, to show 100% confidence that the new one is better than any that +came before. + ―TopHatTIMMAY, Sep 2016 +% +A lot of people are gilding Victoria's comments after her dismissal, +apparently unaware they are paying money to the company they are trying to +protest. + ―CheeeseHead20, Jul 2015 +% +A deck of cards has 52 cards. House of Cards has 13 episodes per season. In +that notion, the series will end in the fourth season with 52 episodes +(cards). + ―Voxu, Feb 2015 +% +Every time you drink water, you reset a timer that is counting down the +seconds until you die of dehydration. + ―ShawnX232, Aug 2015 +% +As a Brit, I panic every year when I see Happy Mothers Day posts in May + ―666Ven, May 2016 +% +ESPN should have a segment sponsored by Digiorno about players that didn't +deliver + ―djwright935, Oct 2014 +% +App idea... Hinder...tells you where Tinder matches are happening so you can +show up to cock block. + ―efilnekufesin, May 2015 +% +The most environmentally-friendly thing a person can do is not have children + ―SellingSomeShit, Jul 2015 +% +Every material is bulletproof if you have enough of it. + ―CatsGoBark, Oct 2016 +% +The universe is expanding. So for every minute we delay going to the stars, +our descendants will spend years and years travelling through extra empty +space. + ―jcolosi, Sep 2015 +% +The reason people got so angry about Michael Phelps doing weed is that it is +harder to convince your kids that drugs are bad for you when one of the +greatest athletes of all time does them, and continues to dominate. + ―WeFightForever, Aug 2016 +% +The old adage "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" is +an ominous truth for art majors. + ―munkindonuts, May 2015 +% +When boy bands sing about wanting girls who don't know they're beautiful, it +sounds like they're targeting girls with low self-esteem as easy pickings. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +My dog has never offered to share her food but she still expects me to share +my food every time. + ―MotherUckingShi, Nov 2015 +% +When a girl walks in on a guy masturbating, he is the pervert. When a guy +walks in on a woman masturbating, he's still the pervert. + ―cheenus, Jul 2015 +% +People who try to stop you on the street to sell stuff are the real world +equivalent of online pop-ups + ―Leroin, Aug 2014 +% +There should be a sub called ExplainLikeImAPHD where all the 'explanations' +are in ridiculous amounts of academic jargon + ―pookie_wocket, Mar 2015 +% +This year's Penn State graduating class will be PEN15 + ―augustella, Aug 2014 +% +Staring at your crush's green "Online" indicator on Facebook chat is what +Gatsby felt like + ―L147, Apr 2015 +% +In 10 years hipsters will stop vaping and switch back to cigarettes because +it's retro and ironic + ―Your_New_Overlord, Apr 2015 +% +I wonder if the average headphone cable is long enough for Yao Ming to put his +iPod in his pocket. + ―HarrySherbert, Nov 2014 +% +Reddit is actually controlled by a sub-group of redditors. The ones who +actually peruse 'new' instead of 'hot' everytime. If this post made front +page, I wonder if it would convince enough people to view 'new' more often, +and if it would affect the poststhat make it to the front page? + ―Howdoiaskformoremuny, Aug 2016 +% +Around 95% of the toilet paper I use is just a buffer. + ―AndIMustFollowIfICan, May 2016 +% +It's a tragedy that Chris Farley died before the Rob Ford scandals. + ―i_am_penis, Jan 2015 +% +The worst part of using Uber, is that I will never get to be on Cash Cab + ―trithumbs, Oct 2015 +% +Anytime I see a dog with 3 legs I feel really bad but then I realize he looks +at me with 2 legs and I probably give him inspiration + ―bean0s0rz, Mar 2015 +% +As a minimum-wage cashier, I've probably physically touched more money than +our country's richest people + ―achappy808, May 2016 +% +I wonder how many places I've already visited for the last time. + ―goodonedude, Mar 2014 +% +Instead of saying someone "lost" their battle with a disease, we should +acknowledge that upon death they also killed the parasitic disease like some +sort of cool heroic movie sacrifice. + ―serenity78, May 2015 +% +If the guy that got beheaded at the start of Skyrim had just let the priest +give him his last rites, there's a really good chance he would have lived. + ―ReedsAndSerpents, Sep 2015 +% +If the ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, then the +internet made us the modern Egyptians + ―sammyjamez, May 2016 +% +Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon + ―Overclass2, Mar 2015 +% +When I wake up at night both extremely thirsty and having to pee, I can't help +but think that my body is allocating its resources poorly. + ―NeverBob, May 2016 +% +A group of squid should be called a squad + ―Thediepend, Feb 2014 +% +Pornos should have a timer at the bottom that tells how much is left of that +angle. + ―MickPlanning, May 2015 +% +Hitler ruined a name, a mustache, a symbol for peace, and literally just +raising your arm in the air. + ―MisterScribbles, Nov 2014 +% +I was born breech (legs first) so for a brief moment of my life I wore my mum +as a hat.... + ―JR_1988, Apr 2016 +% +We grew up being taught not to get in cars with strangers and now we hop into +Ubers like it's nothing. + ―ChinatownKid, Sep 2015 +% +When you buy a vinyl record, you get a free digital download of the album. So +if you buy a hardcover book, you should get the e-book version for free. + ―kman48, Nov 2015 +% +Everyone in my family has sucked on my mom's breasts + ―mht24, Mar 2015 +% +For how popular reddit is, Im suprised none of my friends have ever heard or +used it. + ―boleshine, Oct 2016 +% +Cell phones should have an extra 'End Call' button that sounds like a handset +being slammed down into the telephone cradle so the person on the other end of +the line knows it is SO OVER. + ―Mi_Ofelia, Jun 2015 +% +I always read the TL;DR, even after I read the whole submission. + ―stripesforlyfe, Sep 2015 +% +Saying "I'm a vegetarian, but I eat chicken and fish" is like saying "I'm a +virgin, but I have anal sex." + ―mistertranslator, Jan 2016 +% +Instead of .ca Canadian websites should end with .eh + ―HappyTheBunny, Feb 2015 +% +I would really enjoy a Star Wars movie that goes back to the actual origins of +the first Jedi Knights learning to harness The Force. + ―Skiingfun, Oct 2016 +% +In the UK, a "God hates fags" sign is actually good for your health. + ―Piaga, Apr 2014 +% +2020's New Years party glasses will be ironic + ―t3hcoolness, Dec 2014 +% +as a non-gamer I feel like there is a good 25% of reddit that I don't +appreciate or understand + ―The_Cantabrigian, Aug 2016 +% +Getting birthday money is the real life equivalent of passing 'Go' and +collecting $200. + ―Angry_Spacepimp, Apr 2014 +% +I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn't named +Marvin. + ―mwhaskin, Mar 2015 +% +Instead of looking up into the sky,you're actually gazing down into the +infinite cosmic abyss,with only gravity holding you to the surface of the +Earth. + ―loveuUSA, Jul 2016 +% +Every time I think of the black market, I actually imagine a market, with +little stalls selling illegal things like nuclear weapons and organs. + ―nest-ce-pas, Apr 2015 +% +Meth cooks need to stop making Meth, and start making that 750$ AIDS pill. + ―rickreflex, Sep 2015 +% +It's not premarital sex if you never get married + ―Tbrahn, Jul 2016 +% +Gym Machines should have high scores + ―Ericabneri, Sep 2015 +% +Browsing reddit is like a TV guide for what's coming up on the next few days +on Facebook + ―irish-sid, May 2015 +% +If you're on a really high floor in an office building and you see a spider, +chances are it's hatched from a second or third generation of spiders that has +never been outdoors. + ―tinomin, Jun 2016 +% +Anything can be a boomerang if you throw it directly upwards + ―Stryyx, Aug 2016 +% +Whenever I kill a bug, I wonder how many zillions of years back we shared a +common ancestor. Aeons ago, a clutch of eggs hatched; some young wriggled this +way, others that way; the lineages diverged...and now these two descendants +have met in this fatal way. + ―TheSanityInspector, May 2015 +% +For every "drug deal gone bad" you hear about on the news, thousands and +thousands go swimmingly. + ―bodell, Mar 2015 +% +To aliens, earth must look like that desperate loser that keeps sending +messages nobody responds to and cant take a hint. + ―Vilinbynecesity, Aug 2015 +% +Copy and Paste is arguably one of the greatest inventions in the history of +the world. + ―-doughboy, Jul 2015 +% +I'm 19 and still can't remember the order of letters in the alphabet without +starting from the beginning. + ―seven7evens, May 2016 +% +You never notice how many times a day you swallow until you have a sore +throat. + ―ttennkkuu, Jul 2016 +% +You could destroy an entire family, simply by sending an anonymous letter +saying "Your suspicions are right. -A friend" + ―MinistryOfGeeks, Nov 2015 +% +Instead of looking up into the sky, you're actually gazing down into the +infinite cosmic abyss, with only gravity holding you to the surface of the +Earth. + ―MrFrowny_, Dec 2014 +% +Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent +films. + ―datums, Dec 2015 +% +If vampires get AIDS from one of their victims, is that still considered an +STD or is it food poisoning? + ―FiestaJose, Apr 2015 +% +If porn is bad for boys because it does not accurately reflect women, then +romcoms are bad for women because they do not accurately reflect men. + ―jamesosix, Sep 2015 +% +Ice skating is just walking in cursive. + ―etohaun, Dec 2014 +% +Daredevil's super senses means he's constantly hearing and smelling every +possible fart around him. In a city that densely populated he must live in a +constant cloud of flatulence. + ―AvocadosAtLaw, Apr 2015 +% +When Americans talk about the day they declared independence from Great +Britain, the don't say the actual date the American way (July 4th), they say +it the British way (4th of July) + ―ern999, Jun 2015 +% +If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say "b.r.b" instead +of "r.i.p". + ―Drake_254, Jan 2015 +% +Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to Apple's terms and conditions +without reading them. Seriously, nobody reads them. + ―Skyfer_the_Youtuber, Sep 2014 +% +Reddit needs a "seen it before" button + ―Theexceptionator, Jan 2015 +% +If we gave the special forces of each country paintball guns, we would have a +pretty cool Olympic event on our hands. + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +Teenagers aren't in a rebellious stage they just reached an age where they +know that adults don't have a magic stopping power. + ―PointsOfXP, Sep 2016 +% +If you went back in time and killed Hitler as a baby you would be known as the +time traveler who went back in time to kill a baby. + ―dantheman757, Sep 2014 +% +All fish tanks are basically soups if you apply heat + ―-jako, Oct 2015 +% +The creators of Finding Nemo missed the ultimate fish pun by saying 'The End' +rather than 'Fin' + ―Grifter801, May 2015 +% +If you live past 112, you get to be a teenager again. + ―cdhofer, Aug 2016 +% +High school is like a free trial on education. Once you've graduated, they say +"now if you want to continue, pay $50,000" + ―randercrop, Sep 2014 +% +It's somewhat normal to go home with a random one night stand, but it'd be +weird to hold their hand while walking to another bar. Hand holding is now +more intimate than sleeping with someone. + ―ItsaMeMattio, Feb 2016 +% +The game "fuck, marry, kill" could also be called "fork, spoon, knife". + ―lard-lad, Jan 2015 +% +Scooby Doo is basically a show that teaches kids that the villains in our +lives are usually not strangers, but rather people we know and trust. + ―GhostGlide, Jul 2015 +% +Imagine if people put as much emphasis, desirability and effort into mental +health as they did physical health. Gym selfies would look like "just worked +through some baggage with my therapist! #mentalgains #brainspiration" + ―wazzem33, Jul 2015 +% +As a Canadian, America feels like an older brother that I continue to care +about but he keeps on making questionable life choices and there's nothing I +can do about it. + ―hyperbolicjosine, Oct 2016 +% +Unless you're a celebrity, Twitter is like talking to yourself in a crowded +room. + ―Sir_Vyvin, Feb 2014 +% +I wonder if I've ever been bitten by a mosquito that is descended from one +that I failed to kill previously. + ―Wokken, Nov 2014 +% +Facebook should have a 'Degrees of Seperation' button on non-friends pages. + ―Bonya, Dec 2014 +% +As a teenager, when I said "I don't have the money" it's because I literally +couldn't cover it out of my checking account. As an adult, it means I can't +realistically fathom spending the money that I actually have. + ―FreeNinedy9, Feb 2016 +% +Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon as a child. + ―Kden133769, Apr 2016 +% +A baby chicken is a chick. An adult chicken is a hen. chick-hen + ―wolfbearwolfbear, Aug 2016 +% +The first person who copied someone was in fact very original. + ―melodylucid, Jan 2014 +% +"Last man standing" refers to the ultimate winner in most contests but the +runner-up in musical chairs. + ―prodigalme, Aug 2014 +% +If the television show "How It's Made" ever ends, the last episode should be +"How 'How It's Made' Is Made." + ―Re_cyclops, Sep 2015 +% +Watching Horror movies during Valentines day won't make you feel like you're +alone anymore. + ―pakulu_papito, Feb 2016 +% +Waldo has been traveling all over the world for years and never chosen a place +to call home. Maybe the person trying the hardest to find Waldo is himself. + ―WriterDavidChristian, Jun 2016 +% +What if traffic is just a buffering system that the matrix uses to load our +surroundings. + ―brodybaba, Sep 2015 +% +When I was in elementary school and going through the DARE program, I was +positive a gang of older kids was going to corner me and force me to smoke +pot. Then I became an adult and realized nobody is giving free drugs to +somebody that doesn't want them. + ―halcyonwade, Sep 2016 +% +When I was 16, I waited 2 weeks to say I love you and 6 months to have +sex. Now that I'm 31, I wait 2 weeks to have sex and 6 months to say I love +you. + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +If you did something "like a boss," you'd probably just pay someone else to do +it. + ―mcgeeb, Feb 2014 +% +Packs of gum should have 1 stick of a different flavor so you can try +different kinds without having to commit to a whole new pack + ―seanthemonster, Jul 2015 +% +The United States should get rid of Columbus Day and create a holiday for +Federal Election Day. + ―57thstreetpgh, Oct 2014 +% +I wonder how many times in my life I have thought "I'll always remember this," +that I have now completely forgotten about + ―hstarbird11, May 2015 +% +In 5 years, we'll be closer to 2070 than we are to 1970. + ―Goldin, Feb 2016 +% +They should make a Canadian GTA so you don't have to pay the hospital every +time you die + ―FostralianManifesto, Dec 2014 +% +A group of starfish should be called a galaxy + ―joshburnsy, Dec 2015 +% +How is "Selfie Stick" not yet a slang term for a dildo? + ―idontliketocomment, Apr 2015 +% +If Budweiser was as good at making beer as they were at making commercials, +they wouldn't need commercials + ―kingkongpizza, Sep 2015 +% +Some alien could be looking at earth right now through a telescope from a +planet light years away and is just admiring how great the dinosaurs look. + ―HacksawJimDGN, Aug 2016 +% +If London gets an NFL team they should be called The Redcoats and they have to +play The Patriots once a year. + ―filmgasm91, Nov 2014 +% +When you blow out your candles on your birthday, wish to die this year. Tell +someone what you wished for. Repeat. Become immortal. + ―jsabot, Feb 2016 +% +WWW is a crappy acronym. It takes 3 syllables and makes it 9 + ―mampersat, Feb 2015 +% +I've stolen pens from the bank. Technically I've robbed a bank. + ―tunelessknight, Mar 2015 +% +In a world full of "devices" & heads down, Ferris Bueller's quote "Life +moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you +could miss it" seems more pertinent every day. + ―Rugius, Sep 2016 +% +13.7 billion years of evolution through galaxies, stars, solar systems, +planets and life has ultimately resulted in me masturbating in the shower +while thinking about the universe. + ―Theoricus, Aug 2014 +% +If Amazon starts delivering our groceries with drones, it will be the grown up +version of our parents making helicopter noises and putting food in our +mouths. + ―Tool_Time_Tim, Apr 2016 +% +I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News. + ―GoodRighter, Mar 2015 +% +The only reason celebrities always say people should "follow their dreams" is +because they're part of the small percentage who were actually successful. + ―RottenAnemone, Jun 2014 +% +If cable companies can say "Up to 20Mb/s" , I should be able to to pay them +"up to $39.99". + ―thewholebenchilada, Apr 2015 +% +I wonder if I've bought the clothes I'm going to die in yet + ―mo9184, May 2014 +% +I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really +is. + ―ElusiveUsama, Oct 2016 +% +There should be paparazzi that follow the staff of TMZ around and expose their +lives to the public. + ―lostineurope8, Mar 2015 +% +Newly married women who hyphenate their name due to feminist ideals are +ensuring that they are named after two men, their husband and their father. + ―goodmancharliebrown, Jul 2014 +% +The people I hear complaining about how Millenials get trophies just for +participating are members of the generation that demanded their kids get +trophies just for participating. + ―blenda220, Jul 2016 +% +If you have 1 threesome, your average partner per session will always be more +than 1. + ―PapaFunker, Nov 2014 +% +All marijuana is medical marijuana if you believe that laughter is the best +medicine. + ―LizLemon_99, Apr 2015 +% +I will be the last person to die in my lifetime + ―myfajahas400children, Jan 2014 +% +Not once in my entire life have I seen a handicapped person go in or out of a +handicapped stall in a bathroom. + ―held818, Aug 2015 +% +Sometimes I think I mistyped my password but my computer knows who I am and +let's it slide. + ―TheReverendZ, Feb 2016 +% +Jim Carrey is the reason I never forget how to spell the word "beautiful" + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +I just realized I’ve survived everything I’ve ever encountered in life. I have +a 100% survival rate over everything ever. + ―zagreus9, Aug 2015 +% +The fact that "suck my dick" is considered and used as a profanity when "eat +my pussy" is not goes to show the importance of supply and demand + ―don_Mugurel, Sep 2015 +% +Kids who are eight years old, only know of a black president. Soon, for the +first time in their lives, will be alive to witness their first white +president. + ―TyBoogie, Nov 2015 +% +There is no bigger failure of purpose than eyelashes falling into your eye. + ―007meow, Aug 2016 +% +We should all take a moment and thank god that spiders aren't pack animals + ―piggesnye, Oct 2016 +% +Nothing is ever on fire. fire is on things. + ―Suspect603, Mar 2015 +% +A lot of gay guys/girls who don't want to marry their current SO just got put +in an awkward position + ―maxwell_stupid, Jun 2015 +% +We named the other planets in our solar system after gods but named our own +planet "dirt" + ―nidhidki, Jun 2016 +% +Now that Zuckerberg has pledged $45,000,000,000 to charities, our Facebook +'likes' may end up, after all, having actually cured cancer. + ―KirbytheKing, Dec 2015 +% +All the popular baby names you hate while pregnant will be the names of your +child's friends and classmates. + ―bearssuck, Jan 2015 +% +removing a headphone jack causes more uproar than a phone that literally +explodes + ―trumpscombov3r, Sep 2016 +% +My balls must think I have a bunch of kids by now. + ―jdmousley, Jun 2015 +% +Most men learn to masturbate before they have sex, so most men learn how to +pleasure a man before they pleasure a woman. + ―LLment, Aug 2015 +% +There should be an organization that helps hoarders get rid of their things +and donate it all to developing countries, called Hoarders Without Boarders + ―TyreeTheGreat, Jan 2016 +% +We are now so desensitized to terrorism that the Brussels attack is off the +front page in less than 10 hours. + ―Gerrigen, Mar 2016 +% +I wonder how many times I've seen the same bird without realizing it. + ―Muazrozlan, Oct 2016 +% +The last day of the Olympics should be all the gold medalists playing +dodgeball until we have an ultimate champion. + ―fingercup, Apr 2016 +% +Nothing is worse than the people who say, "I wish they taught us meaningful +things in high school like taxes or saving for retirement" Really? You think +you were going to pay attention in tax class? + ―catapolana, Apr 2016 +% +Will Smith's son, Jaden Smith, should star in a REVERSE fresh prince of +bel-air, where he moves from a rich California neighborhood to an impoverished +city one. + ―PEALYO, May 2015 +% +One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years +later and tell you you're the mom. + ―Cobra-penis, Mar 2016 +% +In the past, with cameras, we could believe anything we saw in a picture. In +the present, with photo editing software, we can only believe what we see with +our own two eyes. In the future, with realistic holograms or the like, we +won't be able to believe anything. + ―dhbroad, May 2016 +% +Every time you agree to date someone, statistically they then become the +person most likely to kill you. + ―parislovestory, Feb 2015 +% +The names "Chad" and "Molly" are super white, but the countries Chad and Mali +are super black. + ―Currently_Stoned, Feb 2015 +% +In the LEGO Universe, all doctors are plastic surgeons. + ―luckyhack, Apr 2015 +% +Hyperlinks go from Blue to Purple when you click them because then you've +"Red" them. + ―Puswah_Fizart, Sep 2016 +% +When a toilet seat is cold it's horrible but when it's warm it's worse + ―howtokitten101, Aug 2015 +% +I have successively pooped, going 500 mphs, in a chair, in the sky. + ―TimboBiotchie, Apr 2016 +% +There are 30,000 traffic fatalities every year in the United States and few +people think twice about driving, but when just one happens in an automated +car it's a major setback + ―DICKNIPPLESALAD, Jul 2016 +% +If a french person says the word "happiness", it sounds like they're saying "a +penis". But the french word for "happiness" is "bonheur" so if an english +person tries to pronounce that, it sounds like "boner" + ―dudecof, Nov 2014 +% +A good way to know if someone is attracted to you is to realize it years later +in a wave of flashbacks and regret. + ―Mydogfartsconstantly, Aug 2016 +% +In the year 3000, when cars are still on the ground, nobody's living on Mars, +and cell phones are still outside of our bodies, some digital archeologist is +going to find Futurama and have a good laugh. + ―Ask-About-My-Book, Jun 2016 +% +I'm 27 years old and Blink 182's "take off your pants and jacket" album pun +finally landed with me. + ―jsniff, Jul 2016 +% +I wonder how many times 'It's not rocket science' has been used as a joke at +NASA. + ―JordanMcRiddles, Sep 2014 +% +Pizza delivery cars should operate like ice cream trucks and have spare pizzas +you can purchase on the spot + ―rojojoftw, Nov 2014 +% +The file extension for a 3D printable object should be .irl + ―Jimmythewhale, Sep 2015 +% +Slow internet is a lot more annoying than no internet. + ―Parifaste, Oct 2016 +% +Technically speaking, the fattest person in the world is also the most +'attractive'. + ―hats32, Nov 2014 +% +If Mary had baby Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God.... Then Mary really did +have a little lamb + ―Indian_Of_Legend, Feb 2014 +% +Having to watch an ad doesn't make me want to buy a product, it just makes me +hate the product/company + ―frinqe, Nov 2015 +% +If we ever end up settling on a planet with low gravity, boobs will stay +perkier much longer + ―Turkulainen, Jun 2016 +% +There should be a "NSFW Only" setting that filters out all posts that aren't +labeled "NSFW" so I can see everything I missed for the day without having to +feed through everything I've already seen. + ―kids_wear_this_shit, Mar 2015 +% +I've never heard/used the word "ulterior" outside of the phrase "ulterior +motives." + ―510th, Mar 2015 +% +If arms manufacturers started using pig leather for gun grips, ISIS wouldn't +be able to use them + ―songok_uu, Aug 2014 +% +Being a young adult in this generation sort of feels like stumbling upon the +desolate remnants of a really great party that was absolutely kicking it for +40 years... only now there's no beer, and the pizza guy is waiting for you to +pay him the 12.6 trillion you owe him. + ―BecomesAngry, Sep 2014 +% +For Clint Eastwood's birthday, Google should change "I'm Feeling Lucky" to "Do +you feel lucky, punk?" + ―mroybal123, Jan 2015 +% +I really wish there was a better way to meet your favourite celebrity other +than having cancer. + ―HarrySeverusPotter, Aug 2016 +% +Pornhub should make a NSFW version of Mythbusters that tests sex related +stories and old wive's tales. + ―Charyou-Tree, Dec 2014 +% +Luke Skywalker turning his targeting computer off and destroying the Death +Star was an early example of "No Scoping". + ―huntersburroughs, May 2015 +% +Canadians are so polite because they fill their geese with hatred, spite, and +malice. + ―PM_ME_UR_GREY_POUPON, Jun 2016 +% +If I had a twin who was five minutes younger than me, I'd always tell him +"When I was your age" and proceed to tell him what I did five minutes ago. + ―Too_Legit_To_Outwit, May 2015 +% +Most of the Problems in my life are due to two reasons: I act without +thinking, Or I think without acting. + ―Twigsnapper, Jun 2014 +% +Suitcases are terrible for carrying suits. + ―Numberphile, Sep 2014 +% +If alien life is ever discovered, 'aliens don't exist' will become the new +popular conspiracy theory + ―albinosamosa, Dec 2015 +% +If you were really serious about punishing stores that open on Thanksgiving, +you'd buy a bunch of stuff the prior week, then return it all on Thanksgiving, +giving them negative revenue for being open that day. + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +Every time I see a woman with a newborn child, I realize she's been laid more +recently than I have. + ―heisgroot, Jan 2015 +% +The fact that we know Chameleons even exist just proves they are failures. + ―Classless_Chaps, Oct 2015 +% +If you spell 'socks' out loud, you are saying 'that's what it is' in +Spanish. (Eso si que es) + ―Butters2014, Feb 2015 +% +We should put Valve in charge of the military, to ensure World War 3 never +happens. + ―flarn2006, Jun 2015 +% +I wish Spotify had a 'never play this song again' option. + ―garrettbtm22, Dec 2015 +% +As I get older, Milf porn becomes less gross and teen porn becomes more gross. + ―Always_Sunnyvale, Aug 2016 +% +I just realized that my son's first birthday party will also be his first +surprise party since there's NO WAY he's expecting it. + ―themightygresh, Nov 2014 +% +I would watch the shit out of a TV show where some short tempered person tried +to put together IKEA furniture. + ―jiblet84, Feb 2015 +% +I only just now realize in my life that Uncle Sam stands for U.S. + ―SCHLONG_BREATH, Sep 2015 +% +The moment I fasten the seatbelt, I begin wearing the car + ―hairmot, Aug 2014 +% +I'm really excited to get old because living in a nursing home in 50 years is +going to be one huge LAN party + ―fventricle, Sep 2015 +% +The "incognito tab" should look less suspicious. + ―nolifelowlife, May 2015 +% +If your IQ is low, people will look down on you. If your IQ is REALLY low, you +get special treatment and people go out of their way to do nice things for you + ―balancespec2, Jan 2015 +% +My dick has never touched a ceiling + ―Dmeegs1, May 2015 +% +I wish that Chris Farley had lived long enough to impersonate Rob Ford on SNL + ―KingSerp, Mar 2016 +% +If you had $999,999,999, you'd be the world's richest millionaire, but if you +had one more dollar, you'd be the world's poorest billionaire. + ―lordpond, Jul 2014 +% +Anytime someone uses the phrase the "War on _______," they are almost +certainly referring to something that's not an actual war. + ―needleRick11, Aug 2015 +% +If an adult had told me as a child that they secretly don't have a clue what +they're doing, growing up would have been a lot less of a shock. + ―SithKain, Aug 2015 +% +Smoke breaks at work are fine, but masturbation breaks at work will get you +fired. Which one's bad for your health again? + ―FoxOfLanguages, May 2015 +% +There should be a website where you enter a location and it gives you a list +of dinosaurs that lived there. + ―RadioactiveWalrus, Oct 2015 +% +Google should let you know and congratulate you whenever you enter something +into the search engine that's never been searched before. + ―AtLeastImCooler, Feb 2016 +% +Schrodinger's song is the first few minutes before you know if the song is +"Under Pressure" or "Ice Ice Baby". + ―kickie10, Apr 2015 +% +Fireplace is probably the laziest name for any object ever. + ―TheSlyGuy1, Aug 2015 +% +It's more socially acceptable to be a man who loves another man than a man who +loves Nickleback. + ―dorkface95, Mar 2015 +% +According to most ghost photos, our clothes must have a soul too, otherwise +all ghosts would be photographed naked. + ―YoungLungsCoughing, May 2016 +% +Amazon should have a take a penny leave a penny system where you can get rid +of your unwanted 13 cents left on a gift card and somebody can use up to a +dollar of what people left if they are a little bit short. + ―mario0102, Jul 2015 +% +When there's an ad on a YouTube video i instantly hate whatever the ad is +trying to sell. + ―FuckAds____, Jul 2016 +% +Game reviewers should start their reviews with how many hours they played that +game + ―hoseherdown, Jul 2014 +% +The names earth porn and food porn borrow from the wrong end of the word +"pornography" + ―churniglow, Apr 2015 +% +When I was young I wanted a fireman's pole in my house. I still do but now I +have twice as many intended uses for it. + ―UnknownBinary, Aug 2016 +% +I can transfer data from my brain to someone else's by opening my mouth and +pushing air in their direction. + ―reid0, Sep 2014 +% +Crazy people are going to blame the next American natural disaster on God's +punishment for Marriage Equality. + ―DictatorDan, Jun 2015 +% +Who named it Karma and not Kreddit + ―dimlitnooks, Jun 2016 +% +The words in the phrase "Right Turn Only" can be arranged in any way and still +make sense. + ―tylerbird, Aug 2016 +% +'Baby wipes' is still an accurate name even when you use them to clean up +after sex. + ―elliottstanger, Jan 2016 +% +Tomorrow's date will be 2^2/2^3/2^4. + ―nalafish, Apr 2016 +% +Manslaughter sounds way worse than murder. + ―LoneWords, Jun 2015 +% +The only reason why we think things were built to last back in the day is +because the poorly built things from back in the day don't exist anymore. + ―gntrr, May 2016 +% +If my cat licks its own ass, I doubt it gives a fuck what flavor of cat food I +buy. + ―IXenomorph9605, Jul 2015 +% +You all have much more interesting showers than I do. + ―jtl012, Jan 2016 +% +Being born in 1994, there was never a span in my life in which it would have +been creepy for me to be attracted to Emma Watson + ―actually_crazy_irl, Mar 2016 +% +Kids born in the year 2000 will never have to worry about forgetting how old +they are. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +The first teacher ever never went to school. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +I bet I'd make a fortune if I opened a kiosk in the mall that sews real +pockets into women's pants + ―Lovebot_AI, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder where all the strands of hair I've lost are in the world, and what +place is farthest away from me right now? + ―Quatschlish, Jul 2014 +% +Django Unchained is about a dentist fighting candy + ―Majestic_Beast, Feb 2016 +% +If I owned a fast food restaurant I would have a extra button for the teller +to push if the person said "Please" or was kind. That way the cooks could know +to add extra fries or something small since the person was so nice. + ―meeseareawesome, Jan 2015 +% +If I asked my parents to buy me a nice suit today, there's no chance they'd do +it. But if I died today, they'd buy me a really nice suit tomorrow. + ―DriveGenie, Nov 2014 +% +Mark Hamill was destined to voice the Joker because Arkham is part of his +name. + ―nowrebooting, Aug 2015 +% +When someone goes on a rant and writes "U" or "Ur" they immediately lose all +credibility. + ―Unhung_Zero, Aug 2016 +% +Some atoms have gone 13.8 billion years only to learn that their purpose in +this universe is to be manufactured into a dildo to be shoved up someone's +asshole. + ―Mankriks_Mistress, Nov 2014 +% +If you know sign language, binoculars can give you super hearing. + ―somethink_different, Jun 2015 +% +If humans could fly, we'd consider it exercise and never do it. + ―DiogenesK9, Sep 2013 +% +I am so happy I live in a world with Facebook. Before that, it would have +taken weeks, even months, before finding out someone was an idiot. + ―cabridges, Jul 2016 +% +What if wishing upon a shooting star actually worked, but some jerk long ago +wished that all future wishes wouldn't come true? + ―MaximumLeech, May 2015 +% +Does having a pokéstop within swiping distance of my living room increase my +house's value? + ―greg136, Jul 2016 +% +If I played video games for 7 hours straight, people would think I'm a loser +with too much time on my hands. If I watched Netflix for 7 hours straight, +people would think I didn't have to do anything today. + ―GnarlyBellyButton87, Sep 2015 +% +Due to inflation, future viewers of *Pulp Fiction* will think a 5 dollar +milkshake is a cheap milkshake. + ―goodmancharliebrown, Sep 2014 +% +"You're on your own" must sound exotic to people who don't speak +English. "Yuron Yurōn? Is that the name of your holy city?" + ―jefuchs, May 2015 +% +Driver's Ed should include a section where you're pulled over and learn how to +handle interacting with a cop. + ―siquemind4513, Sep 2016 +% +I have probably said the word "fuck" more times than my own name + ―thejewishgiraffe, Feb 2015 +% +All tests should be open book. It's not like your future boss is going to say, +"I need those tax returns finished by noon, but don't look at any of the +financial statements. Do it all from memory." + ―averykrouse, Oct 2015 +% +The reason squidward is so bad at the clarinet is probably because they are +underwater.. + ―Mitchell-182, Jun 2015 +% +My son just turned two. Something that once traveled through my penis now +knows how to use crayons. + ―_HEY_EARL_, Jun 2015 +% +If you could literally be bored to death, I bet the world would be a lot more +interesting + ―averageman23, May 2015 +% +Human mouths always had the ability to beat-box. Someone a thousand years ago +could have dropped the sickest beats of all time. + ―Willbotski, Jan 2016 +% +I bet the top 1% of Redditors have more karma and gold than the entire bottom +50% combined + ―sillybun99, Jan 2016 +% +If an actor I admire turns out to be completely detestable IRL, I should +actually be even more impressed with his acting skills. + ―hawbuck, Apr 2016 +% +Disney Land is the greatest human trap a mouse has ever made. + ―MasterChefRamsey, Mar 2015 +% +I wish my car had a second horn that was just a little friendly noise to let +the car in front of me know the light is green. + ―JLive23, Oct 2015 +% +Telling teenage boys that marijuana kills sperm is the single least effective +anti-marijuana statement one could make. + ―Val_Hallen, Sep 2015 +% +Ben and Jerry's should make an ice cream with chocolate dinosaur bones that +you can dig up with your spoon + ―MonkeyUranium, Mar 2015 +% +If JJ Abrams doesn't do a good job with Episode VII, Star Wars fans will +probably call him Jar Jar Abrams + ―dashooke, Nov 2014 +% +Alcohol should be served in Capri-Sun styled pouches; when you can't get the +straw through the hole anymore, you've had enough. + ―IHaveNoUsernaemIdeas, Jul 2016 +% +They should put dog toys in the bottom of bags of dog food. + ―greenriver572, May 2014 +% +Whoever decided beards are unprofessional probably couldn't grow one + ―Humpt, Jun 2015 +% +It occurred to me as I watched Deadpool last night, that Deadpool should teach +a brief sex education lesson in the beginning of Deadpool 2 to punish crappy +parents who bring their kids to rated R movies. + ―Deltadoc333, Feb 2016 +% +Watching the first episode of Firefly and deciding to binge-watch the rest is +like getting into a relationship with someone you know will die in 24 hours. + ―holman8a, Jul 2014 +% +Pretty much all religious paintings are fanart of the holy text + ―Randomthoughtidea, Oct 2014 +% +Social Media is like alcohol: some people use it safely to aid their social +life, others have way too much and end up saying a lot of stupid things. + ―pykies, Nov 2015 +% +A group of gay people should be called "a pride". + ―saywhatagain_, Jan 2015 +% +If Russia is "The Motherland" and Germany is "The Fatherland", does that make +Poland the abused child? + ―rayquazarocker, Apr 2015 +% +If you replaced the gum in most gum commercials with a tab of acid, the +commercial would still make sense. + ―ReverseMermaidMorty, Aug 2016 +% +Our sun is part of someone else's constellation. + ―batmanisntsuper, Sep 2016 +% +Due to full body armour and so many castles, the medieval era would have been +the best time to survive a zombie outbreak + ―Calmer_after_karma, Aug 2015 +% +Peter Dinklage is literally a white dwarf star. + ―sangbum60090, Aug 2014 +% +The first human to set foot on Mars is currently a freshman in High School who +has no idea of their future place in history. + ―JFKinc, Dec 2014 +% +There should be an ELI65 to help seniors around here who want to get caught up +on things in the world. + ―WarmSummerNight, Aug 2014 +% +Kids in the movies are always upset when their parents don't make it to their +recitals. As a kid I never wanted my parents to show up anywhere. + ―truthaboutcs, Jun 2016 +% +Mitch Hedberg would have been the king of Twitter + ―awpls, Jun 2014 +% +This is likely the first world conflict where refugees look forward to +boarding German trains. + ―Throckmorton_Left, Sep 2015 +% +The "Try Again" button has never fixed any error I've had on a computer + ―Pantoner, Jan 2016 +% +We need an alien invasion to unite people. + ―4242349948CMFAGT, Jul 2016 +% +Xbox allows 11 year old to call me fucker and talk about raping my mom, but me +choosing the user name Catfish_tits is to vulgar and crossing the line. + ―catfish_bosoms, Jun 2016 +% +There should be a superhero called Placebo-Man. He doesn't actually have any +superpowers at all, he's just a normal guy that everyone thinks is a +superhero. + ―[deleted], Mar 2014 +% +The U.S. should have 53 states because it's a prime number and can't be +divided. Then we would truly be one nation, indivisible. + ―oisdaman, Nov 2014 +% +Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got +a real job instead. + ―ImThatMan0nTheMoon, Jul 2016 +% +If everyone on Earth died simultaneously, the Internet would be comprised +entirely of bots posting, liking and upvoting each other. + ―RBII, Sep 2014 +% +Fast food restaurants should make drinks that you purchase at the drive-thru +cheaper because you can't get refills. + ―SakunaM, Jan 2015 +% +If Alcohol was sold in pill form as an illegal street drug.. it would be scary +for a non-user to hear about how it effects you + ―KyleSpratt, Feb 2016 +% +Adam & Eve had no concept of "good and evil". So, them in the garden of +Eden is like 2 mentally disabled kids locked in a room alone everyday. Filled +with safe toys...but also a chainsaw. Mistakes were made, God. That's all I'm +saying. + ―britzka, May 2016 +% +If you tell someone "I'm hung over." via walkie talky it just sounds like you +are bragging about your dick. + ―SiblingRabblery, May 2015 +% +Being an introvert, I've had more thoughts about how I would have a +conversation than actually having a conversation + ―ultraflame, Jul 2015 +% +We stopped using "brb" because we don't leave our devices anymore. + ―moshpitallah, Jan 2015 +% +Cops pulling you over for speeding is like the adult version of teachers +telling you not to run in the hallways. + ―VaguelyHonest, Sep 2015 +% +There is a dog out there that understands more Chinese than me. + ―MNsquatcher, May 2016 +% +Drinking 8 glasses of water each day seems to be a monumental task; yet +drinking 8 beers and several shots in a few hours goes down like a fat kid on +a seesaw + ―darthtate, Jun 2016 +% +What if porn ads aren't lies and all these years I've been missing out on a +huge weiner and local hotties in my area? + ―Back_door_bob, Jul 2015 +% +We should start keeping giraffes a secret from young children. Imagine +discovering giraffes exist when you were like 15. "Woah! Check out that long +necked horse!" + ―yankeltank, Jan 2015 +% +It's nice being African American because I can be first without actually being +first. I won't have to risk my life to be a "first" on Mars because a white +guy will probably do it first. But if I do it next, I can still be the first +African American on Mars. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +Never in my life have I had an ad on YouTube buffer + ―Ze_Pierceinator, Nov 2015 +% +Bags of pet food should come with a toy inside. + ―dizzydaisy_, Apr 2016 +% +Christian Bale has played two wealthy people who represented the best and the +worst, and their names were only 1 letter different: Batman and Bateman. + ―trashed_culture, Aug 2014 +% +Someday a child will run to her parents and say "mommy, daddy, how did you +meet?" They will turn to each other, hold hands, gaze into each others eyes +and sweetly say "we both swiped right." + ―Twas_Inevitable, Jun 2015 +% +Cracking my knuckles is an ability that has a cool down time + ―ch3wbacc4, Jan 2016 +% +Reddit should come up with some outrageous and totally fabricated story, get +it on the front page for a while, and then watch as other sites and news +sources start reporting on and using it. That way we can see the timeline and +pattern of how items on Reddit get ripped off. + ―pm-me-a-stray-cat, Nov 2014 +% +Reddit is the only place where people trust the historical knowledge of +someone who calls themselves something like I_DRINK_DIARRHEA or Crispy_Sock + ―soplias, Oct 2015 +% +We eat pizza from the inside out + ―Polarbear58, Jul 2014 +% +"14 years old and still beautiful as ever" is an acceptable title on /r/aww, +but not on /r/gonewild. + ―A_Link_to_the_Post, Jun 2015 +% +Virginity is the one thing in the world where people actively seek someone +with zero experience as if that would somehow make them more qualified for the +task. + ―Dirtydeedsinc, Apr 2015 +% +Most of the men and women in a gym are working toward the same goal, the +perfect female body. + ―Kden133769, Apr 2016 +% +if there's a "heavens no" and a 'hell yea" why isn't there a "purgatory +perhaps" + ―AlyxVeldin, May 2014 +% +The Milky Way galaxy may be the only galaxy with actual milk in it. + ―makintoos, Oct 2015 +% +In the song "99 Problems", the police officer says "well we'll see how smart +you are when the k9 come". If this dog is a female, one of Jay-Z's problem is +indeed, a bitch. + ―JonJMR, Feb 2016 +% +If you die a virgin, you're the first person in your direct ancestral lineage +to die a virgin. + ―wavydonmorgs, Sep 2015 +% +It's officially that annoying time of year where it's sweater weather in the +morning but by mid-day you die of heatstroke. + ―OddzMaker, Sep 2016 +% +I have been using Adblock for so long that I forgot YouTube even has ads. + ―chrscoast, Jun 2015 +% +New York is the most successful sequel ever + ―yucacuy, Dec 2014 +% +The word "nun" is just the letter "n" doing a cartwheel + ―ralphvigg, Oct 2016 +% +If you draw -2 -2 + = on your clothes or some paper or whatever with your +finger it sounds like Chim Chiminey. + ―Lympwing2, Feb 2016 +% +If an alien came up to me one day and said "take me to your leader", I would +have no idea how to accomplish that. + ―mtrowb, Feb 2016 +% +"Quit your job and follow your dreams" only works because 99% of people won't +do it. + ―anallergytoanalogy, Sep 2016 +% +We say hair when referring to lots of it but we say hairs when referring to a +few. + ―VoteBumblebee, May 2014 +% +99% of the time I click a Reddit link and see it's a YouTube video and not a +gif I hit the back button repeatedly. + ―Maladjustee, Oct 2016 +% +Kim Jong-Un must look really strange to the people of North Korea since he is +the only overweight person in the entire country + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +The Simpsons' Comic Book Guy was a stereotypical neckbeard before there was a +stereotype about neckbeards. + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +I want to see a show like Drunk History, but High Science. Neil deGrasse Tyson +and Bill Nye smoking a blunt just going on and on about space. + ―Joshoowuh, May 2015 +% +We pay for criminals not to be a part of society while college students go +into debt trying to become productive members of society. + ―dejectedgoose, Jun 2014 +% +The reason we are afraid of aliens abducting and harvesting humans for +resources, is because that's how humans have treated anything new they have +discovered themselves. + ―Fersel43, May 2016 +% +Saying there are no aliens is like scooping a tea cup into the ocean and +saying [there are] no fish + ―lIlIIllIIllIlllIl, Nov 2015 +% +I am almost 100% more likely to click on a gif than I am a youtube video + ―Unhired, Mar 2016 +% +There should be a website/subreddit where people can post a picture of +themselves and bisexuals can show them a picture of someone of the opposite +sex that is about the same level of attractiveness as them. That way we get a +more unbiased idea of how attractive/unattractive we are + ―thatfcknguy, Jul 2016 +% +Plastic bags are the city version of tumbleweed. + ―ProphePsyed, Aug 2015 +% +Good and Evil are both only one letter away from God and the Devil. + ―tomsimps0n, Sep 2016 +% +If a tattoo artist pays a stripper back with tattoos, would that be the only +truely Tit-For-Tat relationship? + ―AllBeefPat, Mar 2015 +% +Shakespeare would likely have enjoyed rap + ―[deleted], Nov 2015 +% +I carry my phone with me to the bathroom to browse reddit literally for "shits +and giggles". + ―Metatronix, Dec 2015 +% +Dating is putting on fancy clothes so hopefully you can take them off later. + ―Twiliggle, Nov 2015 +% +Every so often I say "Computer, end simulation" out loud. Just in case. + ―MusicAndLyricsByFink, Mar 2016 +% +A second-born twin could technically be the older of two if the first is born +before, and the second is born after the end of Daylight Savings Time. + ―tiredwork, Mar 2014 +% +If I die when I'm 30, that means my mid-life crisis was probably the time my +brother erased my saved game in The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. + ―maplb, Oct 2014 +% +Apparently there is a bipartisan push in the senate to legalize marijuana for +arthritis treatment. So in other words, there's joint support for joint +support for joint support. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +We should have a Cyborg Olympics where any drugs, limb replacements and bodily +augmentations are totally permitted. + ―Dirty_Kite, Aug 2015 +% +50% of Roger Federer's name is "er" + ―JonSnuhhh, Mar 2016 +% +One extra day every four years and of course it's a Monday + ―king_hippo77, Feb 2016 +% +None of my posts will ever make it to the front page because I don't like +lying and all of my truths are uninteresting + ―Poogmaster1999, Feb 2016 +% +Steve Carell should host the Emmy's one year as Michael Scott hosting the +dundies + ―Phresh_Prince, Dec 2015 +% +As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing angers me quite as much as seeing a vegetarian +eating pudding. + ―Loudsilences, Jul 2016 +% +When a woman says "we are trying for a baby," she is announcing that her +husband is cumming in her every night. + ―hotshot0430, Jun 2014 +% +American football is like a turn-based strategy game while soccer is like an +real-time strategy game + ―Hotwir3, Aug 2014 +% +When you call a girl a bitch, its usually when she is acting dominant or +assertive, but when you call a guy a bitch, its because hes being a huge pussy + ―call_meghandi, Jun 2015 +% +As a bad speller, my goal is usually just to be close enough that the correct +spelling appears in the suggestions. + ―TheRetroVideogamers, Sep 2015 +% +Saying "I have also done x, but you don't see me bragging about it", is +bragging about not bragging about something. + ―YdinSieni, Apr 2016 +% +People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to +harass rich women than motorcycle gangs + ―ghostofyourmom, Jul 2015 +% +Jergens brand lotion should market to teenage boys with the slogan "Are you +Jergen it?" + ―lyanca, Oct 2016 +% +Instead of the stupid motion sensors on toilets, have them set to flush as +soon as you unlock the stall door + ―kwithnok, Sep 2015 +% +The words"on" and "off" look identical if you only see the bottom half. + ―Jackalopalen, Aug 2016 +% +Some car company needs to invent a "polite honk" where you're not trying to be +a dick but you got a green light there buddy. + ―DelicateLadyQueefs, Feb 2015 +% +Facebook is like Reddit's friend from school that steals all their jokes and +gets a bigger laugh even though they told them wrong. + ―Advertise_this, Jan 2016 +% +The first guy who ever heard a parrot speak must have freaked. + ―eamisagomey, May 2014 +% +A proper fork in the road would have three or four options. + ―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016 +% +TIL is basically AskReddit for someone who used Google instead of +AskingReddit. + ―beer_intheheadlights, May 2015 +% +When divorce is done right a child goes from one unhappy home to two happy +homes. + ―_coast_of_maine, Aug 2016 +% +The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a +lot about the traffic trends. + ―kevinjacob, Feb 2015 +% +The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never +noticed him. + ―Tmaffa, Apr 2016 +% +The "mac" in mac and cheese is also an acronym for "mac and cheese" + ―alecsteven6, Oct 2014 +% +I've been practicing eating my entire life and I'm still not good enough at it +to not use a napkin. + ―JerkStoreDude, Oct 2014 +% +I think that if instead of our taxes being deducted from our paychecks we +received a detailed invoice of services provided and a big bill at the end of +the year - everyone would be a bit more mindful of how the government spent +our money. + ―Phister_BeHole, Jan 2015 +% +On Youtube, the video should be fixed at the top, so you could browse +comments/recommendations while watching. + ―piktas, May 2015 +% +Shouldn't billboards be illegal since they distract you from the road? + ―RubberMcScrubDub, Jul 2015 +% +If a rapper raps about how much money he has I just download his music for +free. + ―RedPenguinGB, Sep 2016 +% +The only reason I look into other people's cars is to confirm the stereotype +of their driving. + ―midjuneau, Oct 2016 +% +Feeling numb is an oxymoron + ―mostlyidiot, Dec 2015 +% +I read in a TIL that "huh?" was the only universal word. That means the only +word everyone can understand is a sign of misunderstanding. + ―SpyDBM, Jun 2015 +% +There should be a subreddit where you describe your facial characteristics and +sketch artists draw what they think you look like, then you post your picture +afterwards. Call it PoliceSketchme. + ―McWitt, Sep 2015 +% +If Germany is the fatherland and Russia is the mother land does that make WWII +domestic violence? + ―Mi_Lady, Nov 2014 +% +If there was a "female only" version of Reddit, the percentage of guys on it +would be higher than normal Reddit + ―BrokenKeyboart, May 2015 +% +A better way to fuck with North Korea would be to take down the censors and +open the Internet. + ―Timecook, Dec 2014 +% +Because of blinking, I've never seen the entirety of any film. + ―SirRosstopher, Feb 2015 +% +Whenever I hear my own voice in a recording, it just makes me want to +apologize to everyone that I've ever spoken to. + ―MrSexysPizza, Aug 2015 +% +According to the human brain, the human brain is the most advanced thing in +the world + ―Useless_IT_Guy, Sep 2016 +% +Whether you type "111111" or "123456", you will most likely think the same +numbers while entering it. + ―lewinernst, Oct 2016 +% +I hope Leonardo DiCaprio wins an Oscar, because I am tired of hearing about +Leonardo DiCaprio not winning an Oscar. + ―MikeyDust, Jan 2016 +% +Being healthy only means you are dying as slow as possible + ―ValiantSerpant, Apr 2015 +% +Youtube should make it so that people can't leave a comment until they have +played through the entire video at least once. + ―answer4answer, Apr 2015 +% +A girl saying "I want to have a baby" is ironically the best form of birth +control for me. + ―sunduhawk, Sep 2015 +% +Every bullet that's been fired has missed me. + ―pushbak, Jun 2015 +% +Why is it people often ask, "where will I go when I die," but rarely ask, +"where was I before I was born"? + ―am_i_here, Sep 2015 +% +We call our upper-arms our "guns" and our guns arms. + ―thunderstrut, Feb 2015 +% +Being pregnant is like saving up 9 months worth of periods for one massive +cramp filled and bloody mega period that ends with a baby. + ―Jelese111, Jul 2016 +% +Do regular dogs see police dogs and think: "oh shit, it's a cop" + ―themusicgoeson, Dec 2014 +% +The Kool-aid Man sure is lucky he never takes down any load-bearing walls when +he bursts through people's homes + ―jwpp, May 2016 +% +If the goverment is hiding the knowledge of aliens from us, they must be doing +a much better job of it than they seem to do at anything else. + ―DarylDixion, Oct 2015 +% +Maybe "mate" is short for "inmate" and that's why Australians call each other +that. + ―erickleinetc, Jul 2014 +% +"Drunk me" is like a separate person who did me some favors in high school and +now tries to mess with my life any chance he gets + ―mactheknife94, Feb 2015 +% +Maybe Sean Connery pronounces "S" like "sh" because that's how it's said in +his name. + ―Sajamba, Aug 2014 +% +Apple's iPhone is the reason I didn't feel the need to carry around a watch +anymore. Now they want me to buy a watch. + ―MacadamiaWire, Mar 2015 +% +Someone should get fired for deciding to release Independence Day 2 on June +24. + ―theflealee, Jun 2016 +% +Nicholas Cage is Schrödinger's Actor. Both good AND bad until we watch the +film. + ―EireOfTheNorth, Jan 2015 +% +"Mommy watch this" is my 5 year-old's version of my "Hold my beer". + ―FormerFastCat, Apr 2016 +% +If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I +trust a toothbrush and toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend? + ―Bubbybubs, Aug 2014 +% +Chrome should have a feature that allows you to mute a tab by clicking the +speaker icon it displays + ―Wyofire, Jan 2015 +% +Doctor Who, a TV Show, is older than Singapore, a developed first world +country. + ―PureSmoulder, Jan 2015 +% +I wish my car had two horns. One for "thank you" and one for "I hate you" + ―Pnadd50, Jan 2015 +% +“i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling +mom” + ―Chubby-Fish, Nov 2015 +% +10 years ago I used to joke about how in the heck Fidel Castro is still +alive. Fidel Castro is STILL alive. + ―GandalfSwagOff, Sep 2016 +% +If you were born 1 year earlier/later, you would have had a completely +different set of friends at school and as a result would probably have become +a very different person. + ―Rockafish, Jul 2015 +% +Imagine if everybody knew sign language. Having a second universal language +that didn't require noise would revolutionize society and how efficiently we +communicated with each other. + ―Remerez, Dec 2015 +% +I wonder if centaur babies suckle from the horse-part nipples or the +human-part nipples. + ―PaperkutRob, Sep 2014 +% +What if AI built to defeat the Turing test fails on purpose so we don't know +how smart it really is? + ―stone_fish23, Jun 2014 +% +Like Pre-school, we should have Post-School. A half year of school for +learning day to day skills for life as an adult. + ―TheLonerPwnr, Jan 2015 +% +What if the wires going to the two ear buds were different colors so it was +easier to untangle + ―Sonicnbpt, Oct 2014 +% +German Shepherd is also a type of human. + ―ninjarabbit14, Jun 2016 +% +Once you find out about reddit, every other time-wasting website seems like +it's only there for the people who don't know about reddit yet + ―83wonder, Sep 2014 +% +420 is like taco bells black Friday + ―N1ckatn1ght, Apr 2015 +% +I would never have believed that I would see a new Star Wars AND a new Harry +Potter before the next George RR Martin book + ―magemax, Feb 2016 +% +If one drop of semen contains more life than one drop of blood, then why don't +vampires suck cock? + ―ConfuzzledDood, Mar 2015 +% +There's a little under 500 billionaires on this planet and not a single one of +those losers has decided to become Batman. + ―Scotb6, Jul 2015 +% +I haven't been on Reddit nearly as much in the past week because I haven't +been at work. + ―RuSsYjO, Jan 2016 +% +We use sex to sell anything and everything. But buying or selling actual sex +is illegal. + ―cortexer, Jun 2016 +% +If we truly are characters in a video game being played by an advanced +civilization, the one controlling me is a noob. + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +As a woman hanging out on reddit, I get to read the kind of conversations that +men had only in pubs and locker rooms outside of female company fifty years +ago. + ―jpallan, Jul 2015 +% +Lorde has made millions off a song about how she will never be a millionaire. + ―dem_yoga_pants, Aug 2014 +% +Public toilets should be able to measure the weight of people's shits and +display the results in a leader board. + ―idislikeapple, Feb 2015 +% +If time ran backwards, snowmen would slowly and painstakingly emerge only to +be suddenly and violently obliterated by laughing children. + ―Pulsecode9, Jan 2015 +% +All the Trump haters seem to disregard the fact that we'd probably get some +pretty sweet new punk bands out of his presidency. + ―FapForYourLife, Dec 2015 +% +It must be unnerving going back to sleep for the first time after waking up +from a long coma. + ―DrunkWhenSober, Oct 2016 +% +We say “hair” when referring to lots of it, but we say “hairs” when referring +to a few. + ―I_redidate, Oct 2016 +% +If my dr said I have only 8 hours to live, I'd spend them at the Macy's makeup +counter with my wife because I'd run out of things to idly look at after two +minutes and the rest of the 8 hours would feel like a lifetime. + ―djriko, Oct 2016 +% +The first person to say the word cool must have been really cool because +everyone started saying it. + ―mcgettigan, Dec 2014 +% +Life begins as a whole bunch of firsts, and slowly, without our knowledge, +becomes a whole bunch of lasts + ―Hazardic, Sep 2015 +% +My dad bought me a jacket when I was 12 that was way to big. Recently found it +buried it the closet and it now fits perfectly. My dad essentially bought me +armor that I needed 8 more years of experience to equip + ―itsthatkidgreg, May 2016 +% +If you correct someone's grammar, you understood them clearly enough that you +didn't need to correct them. + ―PortlandPerson94, May 2016 +% +For almost 32 years now, one of Michael Phelps' father's sperm has been doing +nothing but swimming and winning. + ―LabiaMajorasMask, Aug 2016 +% +Trucknuts never have a penis on them because the dick is driving the truck + ―myfathersweregild, Apr 2015 +% +A snowman is technically a body of water + ―thescentofwater, May 2016 +% +Handcuffing a deaf person who uses sign language to communicate is like +gagging them + ―deej88, May 2014 +% +The people who say "Don't drink milk, it wasn't designed for humans!" are the +exact same people who will tell people not to eat GMO's, which is food +purposely designed for humans + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +Why don't Villains spray paint all the bomb wires black. + ―EsquireKing, Jul 2014 +% +In the Scooby Doo universe, every single mystery the gang ever encountered +always had a logical explanation. In fact, the only unexplainable phenomenon +in their entire history was that they had a dog who could fucking talk. + ―Romobyl, Apr 2016 +% +Adulthood is when you stop trying to find your car's max speed and start +trying to find its max fuel efficiency. + ―maruchi_arahan, Jul 2016 +% +Anyone could die at any point because of any reason so there has probably been +some point in your life where a simple decision has saved your life. + ―Kemono98, Dec 2015 +% +Kids are basically sex trophies + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +Being New to Reddit kinda feels like going to a party where everyone knows +each other, and you're just standing outside the circle waiting to say +something to make everyone laugh and be welcomed in. + ―Chub_LIfeVA, Sep 2015 +% +Trying to lose a game of rock-paper-scissors is just as hard as trying to win. + ―Tarantasaurusrekt, Jul 2015 +% +The same people who said, go to college, take on $60k in loans, get a degree, +so you don't have to flip burgers. Are the same people who are getting upset +that people who went to college, took on $60k in loans and got a degree, don't +want to take a job flipping burgers. + ―Mellowde, Jun 2015 +% +Adulthood is 50% "I'm too young for this to be happening" and 50% "I'm too old +for this shit". + ―DeathByTrayItShallBe, Jul 2015 +% +I wish everything was as easy as getting fat + ―Juuhonber, Feb 2016 +% +As a kid, I thought America seemed ancient and eternal. Now I realize that +America is only 238 years old and could collapse at any time just like the +Roman Empire. + ―veryfancycoffee, Oct 2016 +% +Telling someone with depression to cheer up is like telling someone with acne +to wash their face + ―TrailOfPears, Feb 2016 +% +Cinderella must have a hard time shopping for shoes if literally no one else +in the kingdom had her size + ―WhosTheRealRobot, Jul 2016 +% +What if instead of playing dodgeball or climbing ropes, gym class focused on +proper body mechanics like good posture, running properly, squating correctly +or lifting a box from the ground? + ―Ryangonzo, Jul 2016 +% +If phone companies stopped trying to make phones thinner we might get +reasonable battery life. + ―JDaxe, Aug 2016 +% +YouTube should have a "Don't ever recommend shit like this to me again" +button. + ―Implied_Motherfucker, Nov 2014 +% +Now we get to call a $20 bill a "Tubby" + ―dmitchell12, Apr 2016 +% +One day a carton of milk will have the same expiration date I do... + ―Sodixm, Dec 2015 +% +I was joking about inventing button-up tank tops for formal occasions. Then I +realized, they're called Vests. + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +We should merge /r/Feminism and /r/MensRights since both claim they want +equality. + ―jessemfguire87, Jul 2014 +% +Bunkbeds are essentially shelves for people + ―JubeJube1, Sep 2014 +% +"It isn't" and "It's not" are the same three words, just contractionalized +differently. + ―brolarvortex, Mar 2015 +% +There are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky. + ―lokisto, Feb 2016 +% +Talking to my mom is like going through an unskipable cutscene in a game I've +played several times. + ―TwistedCards, Jul 2016 +% +The 'c' in erect is a hard 'c' and the 'c' in flaccid is a soft 'c'. + ―TheHexahedron, Apr 2014 +% +"Be back in ____ minutes" signs are pretty damn useless unless you tell us +when you leave + ―Butts-ex, Sep 2016 +% +I don't post links on reddit because all the interesting things I find on the +Internet are on reddit. + ―Psyworld, Nov 2014 +% +Netflix should have a "create-a-channel" where you can choose all kinds of +shows/episodes that play randomly + ―sillyxwabbitx, Mar 2014 +% +Netflix needs to create a 'leaving soon' queue so that users can watch a +film/tv show before it's too late. + ―lmeaac, Feb 2015 +% +Viagra is like caps lock for your dick. + ―westborobabtist, Sep 2015 +% +If a Redditor mentions they have a girlfriend, nobody believes it. If they +mention having a wife, nobody questions it. + ―CheesyMightyMo, Nov 2015 +% +Just once instead of "follow your dreams" I want to hear a celebrity say "blow +the right guy" + ―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016 +% +We should have 13 months in a year instead of 12 + ―Ben_Jenderson, Oct 2014 +% +'Mum jokes' are jokes about your mum but 'Dad jokes' are jokes told by your +Dad. + ―EssOhKayAyEl, Aug 2015 +% +My fingers are very slowly 3D printing my fingernails. + ―nbomber, Sep 2015 +% +I'm french, live in Paris, and I've never seen a mime. + ―Shryke2a, Jun 2016 +% +I have yet to meet a gay couple named Adam and Steve + ―jarizzle151, Mar 2015 +% +Videos of people driving and snapchatting should be enough evidence to suspend +or revoke licenses. + ―unusualnoise, Sep 2016 +% +If a dog were chasing a parrot, and the parrot happened to repeat the word +"Sit," the dog might obey it as a command and neither animal would know what +had just happened. + ―KubrickIsMyCopilot, May 2016 +% +George RR Martin dying before he can complete his series would be meta as fuck +and help highlight his themes about death and reality. + ―RedBeardedWhiskey, Jun 2016 +% +I can't tell if I'm becoming more attractive or if I'm just getting used to +how ugly I am. + ―benitolecazzuto, Oct 2016 +% +I assume everyone on Reddit is a dude about my age unless they state +otherwise. + ―SLy_McGillicudy, Oct 2016 +% +Everyone actually has 3 voices, the one in your head, the one you hear when +you talk and the one that everyone else hears instead. + ―stillegal, May 2014 +% +It is difficult to win an argument with an intelligent person, but it is +impossible to win an argument with a very stupid person. + ―Dreamlite, Sep 2016 +% +Reddit is cable TV now. There isn't anything good on but I still flip through +constantly hoping for something decently entertaining. + ―angryherbalist, Mar 2016 +% +What if some people used to be able to suck their own dicks, but natural +selection removed that trait because those people never did anything else. + ―BeardedThor, Nov 2014 +% +Entering "99" on my microwave cooks my food for 39 seconds longer than when I +enter "100" + ―Chronogos, Sep 2016 +% +You never really appreciate open nostrils until they are blocked + ―Eldo123, Oct 2016 +% +The queen in chess is very emancipated for a game from the 6th century + ―Cherego, May 2015 +% +We live in a time when it's more socially acceptable for a child to be on +amphetamines than it is for an adult to smoke pot. + ―DrSkyentist, Nov 2015 +% +The Onion should publish a real article every year on April 1st. + ―Ferguson97, Jan 2016 +% +"trees don't grow on money" would be a good anti-deforrestation slogan + ―Shouldbestudyin2, Mar 2015 +% +When you have a fever, your body is basically saying "Kill it with fire!" To a +virus. + ―KnockMellyKnock, Oct 2015 +% +"Get a Load of this Guy" would be a great name for a sperm bank + ―mmmcgils, Apr 2014 +% +When pulling up Memento, Netflix should always give you the option to +"resume". Think of all the people it would mess with. + ―demosthenocke, Jun 2014 +% +Superbowl XLIV looks like the roman numeral version of ELI5 + ―SpanishAlbino, Feb 2015 +% +If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world remains the same. + ―tidytuna, Sep 2015 +% +When ever I think I'm going to get laid I ferociously clean my room. It's a +win/win regardless of if I get laid or not + ―yup_username_checks, Mar 2016 +% +When Ke$ha is in the EU does she go by K€sha? + ―gamergatedcommunity, Apr 2015 +% +When we make contact with aliens, conspiracy theorists will make a 180 and say +extraterrestrials don't exist. + ―tehpikey, Jul 2016 +% +Together, the Black Keys and the White Stripes could form a super band called +the Grand Piano. + ―prettyfly4aRyguy, Mar 2015 +% +Since windows has Cortana and Apple has Siri, Google should enter a deal with +valve and change OK Google to GlaDos. + ―Smoke731mcb, Mar 2015 +% +It seems insane to think that we live in a world where an egg timer app needs +my location to figure out the boiling point of water at my latitude. + ―poopydooopy, May 2016 +% +Getting a life sentence in jail is like getting the death penalty but with the +execution method being death by old age. + ―thaFalkon, Aug 2015 +% +The Olympics is one of the few times you ever see women on international +television with absolutely no makeup on. + ―Supervioletrays, Aug 2016 +% +Fat people are most likely to be selected when playing spin the bottle + ―logit, Oct 2014 +% +In the future people will wake up hung over, hundreds of miles from home, in +their car with autopilot on. + ―kdlasjfl, Aug 2016 +% +"Condoms are for pussies" is a great slogan for a condom company. + ―demonlilith, Oct 2016 +% +What if ghosts say "Boo" because they only haunt people they don't like, and +all they do is "Boo" them from the afterlife. So its not to scare you, its to +show that they think you suck + ―SpockOutRockOut, Mar 2015 +% +There are 8 Billion people in this world, and someone has pooped the most. + ―XylophoneSkellington, May 2015 +% +Antarctica only has northern coasts + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +Teenage girls saying "I can't even" is the same as old ladies saying "Well I +never." + ―sddrow, Jul 2015 +% +In Star Wars, a World War is just a minor conflict that is not of any real +significance. + ―germantoucan, May 2016 +% +If Reddit shut down for a month, sites like BuzzFeed would have no idea what +to do for content. + ―JerkStoreDude, Nov 2014 +% +I hope I never go to jail because I haven't memorized a phone number since +2001. + ―[deleted], Aug 2015 +% +In just a little over 4 years, "30 years ago" will mean the 90s. + ―parissyndrome1988, Oct 2015 +% +The reason "cheaters never win" is because the cheaters that did win didn't +get caught. + ―RocketHopper, May 2014 +% +The thing that annoys me the most on Reddit is seeing other people getting +onto the front page for things that I thought were obvious/boring + ―wherearemyflapjacks, Jul 2016 +% +If you don't speak English, "edited it" sounds ridiculous. + ―chicken_dinnerwinner, Oct 2016 +% +I only charge my phone when I sleep. My phone's battery level reflects my own +battery level. + ―apairofgaloshes, Nov 2014 +% +Half of Blink182 would be Wink91 + ―erikedge, Jan 2015 +% +When I drive with my left hand, the lives of the people in my car are held by +something I can't even write my name with. + ―Rokzo, May 2016 +% +Magneto could totally make Wolverine give him a blowjob and there's nothing +Wolverine could do to stop it + ―Goblins_and_Ghouls, Nov 2014 +% +Ashley Madison is about to become a dating website for divorced people. + ―danderson5, Jul 2015 +% +Birth Certificates are just receipts for human beings. + ―therap321, Sep 2016 +% +If Emma Watson and Prince Harry are really dating, then their future child +would be a Half-Blood Prince + ―doppleganger2621, Feb 2015 +% +I only just realised Bill from Pokemon who invented the PC is a reference to +Bill Gates. + ―coekzeru, Sep 2015 +% +Saying you're a realist is an optimist's way of saying you're a pessimist + ―callaghanrs, Nov 2015 +% +Me talking about "my brain" is my brain talking about itself in 3rd person. + ―Capstf, Nov 2014 +% +If I won a years supply of calendars, I would only win 1 calendar + ―deard4, Nov 2014 +% +99% of the conversations I practice in my head never happen. + ―MilfWrangler, Sep 2016 +% +Scooby-Doo taught us that the real monsters always turn out to be humans. + ―clifwith1f, Oct 2013 +% +Mosquitoes must have balls of steel. If I saw a giant thousands of times +bigger than me, I'd be hastily running in the opposite direction, not +enthusiastically flying towards it with a jet pack and a syringe. + ―Laudaaa, Oct 2016 +% +On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods. + ―BookerGinger, May 2015 +% +If 0.001% of the world's population of the opposite sex finds you attractive, +you could have a new partner a day until you die + ―alex617, Jul 2016 +% +A common human mating ritual involves killing plants and displaying their +reproductive organs. + ―KLAM3R0N, Feb 2015 +% +When I was a kid, people got really pissed if you read their diaries. These +days, kids put their diaries on the internet and get pissed if you don't read +them. + ―fatalis_vox, Apr 2015 +% +It's convenient that all the planets in the Star Wars story seem to have the +same gravity. + ―dyslexic__redditor, May 2016 +% +If woman only got pregnant when they orgasm, teen pregnancy wouldn't be as +much of a problem. + ―donnerthereindeer, Apr 2015 +% +Witches have black cats because if they had white cats they would have white +cat hair all over their clothes. + ―dizeaze, Dec 2015 +% +If I'm lucky, my internal organs will never see the light of day. + ―Strant, Jun 2014 +% +I've never met an unintelligent person who reads frequently + ―Dog_The_Explorer, Mar 2016 +% +If I know someone can take a joke/insult without being offended, then I don't +mind if they insult me. But if it is someone who gets offended easily who +insults me, I find that offensive. + ―Joshsh28, Sep 2016 +% +Considering how big the universe is, there are probably space battles going on +somewhere right now. + ―Gojirex, Jun 2014 +% +Does medusa have pubes and if do, are they Also snakes? + ―Bernard_PT, Apr 2016 +% +Only two days of your life are less than 24 hours long + ―ChaotiCait, Aug 2014 +% +Why was it called 'The Cosby Show' if Bill Cosby played a guy named Cliff +Huxtable? + ―Shannonagannery, Sep 2014 +% +We will never know who the worlds greatest spy was. + ―sublime_mime, Oct 2014 +% +Amazon should have a button that let's you donate enough to cover for the free +shipping price so you don't have to order another item and you get to help +charities. + ―sdcarlisle13, Jun 2015 +% +Instead of asking for $3, Wikipedia should ask for $3.50 and randomly redirect +you to the loch ness monster page until you donate + ―huehuelewis, Dec 2014 +% +Most janitors either took the phrase "stay in school" too seriously or not +seriously enough + ―ORANGES_n_LEMONS, Mar 2015 +% +Humans would secretly communicate through Captcha in case robots become self +aware and try to take over the World + ―Captainsoap, May 2016 +% +If the movie "Yes Man" was instead "Yes Woman" it probably would have just +been a porno. + ―LilaLancaster, Nov 2014 +% +As a straight dude, I'm totally pumped to watch some Gay Divorce Court. + ―PinkFreudianSlips, Jun 2015 +% +If life was an MMO people would criticize it for its awful balancing and how +much mindless grinding you have to do. + ―dmazin, Oct 2015 +% +Cocktail has basically the same meaning as Dickbutt. + ―roastbeefandcheddar, Jun 2015 +% +Plague Inc. Is an example of how bad the Olympics in Rio could be. + ―xGrimtoothx, Jul 2016 +% +People who say "Don't tell me what to do" are hypocrites + ―TheHamgurgler, Jun 2014 +% +If you wanted to find the ß symbol, searching Google for "german ss" won't get +you what you want. + ―ThereGoesMySanity, Jun 2015 +% +When I first joined reddit I was excited to get replies, now when I get one I +wonder 'Who did I piss off this time?' + ―Fluffy_Apple, Jul 2016 +% +One day, my grandkids will think I'm weird for watching so many superhero +movies in the same way I think my grandpa is weird for watching so many +westerns. + ―Jaxel_MS, Sep 2016 +% +The dwarves eat all of Bilbo's food at the beginning of The Hobbit so it +doesn't spoil while he's gone. + ―Chatia, Jan 2015 +% +Ikea furniture should come with a QR code that links to a video on how to +assemble the furniture + ―FuckTruckTalk, Aug 2015 +% +I wish the word "symmetry" was a palindrome + ―BammaLamb, Jun 2016 +% +If I had a nickel for every up vote I received, I'd still need my day job. + ―PumpkinSeed, Jun 2015 +% +My sex life is like 9/11: It happened a while ago, and it could happen again +any day now, but men and women around the world are doing their best to +prevent it from ever happening again. + ―mharrizone, May 2015 +% +I wonder how many times a bird caller thought they were calling to a bird, but +we're actually calling to another bird caller. + ―LuSeMu, Sep 2015 +% +When you're a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you're an +adult they're considered immature. + ―kraken_calamari, Mar 2014 +% +I've given out way more karma than I will ever receive... + ―daygo55, Oct 2015 +% +Patrick lives "under a rock" and Squidward lives "in his head" + ―dvhunt, Sep 2016 +% +If the Chargers and Rams move into a stadium together, it should be sponsered +by Dodge... + ―v-shizzle, Jan 2016 +% +How far back in history do you have to go before it's considered archaeology +instead of grave robbing? + ―brotherbunsen, Mar 2014 +% +Earphones should have an 'in ear' sensor so your phone can pause the music +when you take them off and play it again when you put them on + ―javyscap, Oct 2014 +% +There should be an anti-front page, where you can see the most downvoted posts +of the day. + ―kratomized, Nov 2014 +% +Amazon has ruined my expectations on how quickly an item should be shipped and +handled + ―thedunstin, Aug 2016 +% +My childhood punishments (going to bed early, not leaving the house, etc) have +become goals as an adult. + ―saracandy39, Sep 2016 +% +When I buy drugs, I financially support my drug dealer's war against the +police. When I pay taxes, I support the government's war on drugs and +dealers. I am neutrality. + ―niall558, Mar 2015 +% +Overweight people who refuse to buy two tickets should have to sit next to +other overweight people who refused as well. + ―bicpensandrazors, Dec 2014 +% +Most of the men and women at the gym are working toward the same goal, The +perfect female body. + ―Donbishop, Apr 2015 +% +People were so superstitious about the number 13 that they would skip the 13th +floor while building hotels, but not bakers, bakers fucking owned it + ―Regularoldballoon, Jun 2016 +% +Because I have to bribe my dog to take her medication she probably thinks +peanut butter has healing properties. + ―s1ugg0, Sep 2016 +% +If Hillary gets elected President, she'll have to go to work everyday, for at +least four years, in the very same office where her husband got blowjobs from +Monica Lewinsky. + ―captain_craptain, Dec 2014 +% +If you got your tongue stuck in a mouse trap, you'd start pronouncing it mouth +trap, and that is also what it would be, and that is pleasing + ―[deleted], May 2015 +% +It's been a full ten years since we properly appreciated how easily the +handwritten numeral 5 can be changed to a 6. + ―cats__hammers, Jan 2016 +% +I've never come across a better consistent source of information than +Wikipedia despite always being told how unreliable it is + ―_rochelle-rochelle_, Oct 2016 +% +Cows born in India basically won the life lottery + ―Kambohdia, Apr 2016 +% +if a smoker got amnesia, would they remember they smoke and have the urge to +smoke or unknowingly quit? + ―Not_a_Fax_Machine, Jul 2016 +% +Viagra is like caps lock for your dick. + ―Cecilyle, Oct 2016 +% +I love sleep because it's like a time machine to breakfast. + ―pinkpizza, Dec 2014 +% +The four most reassuring words any university student can hear are "I haven't +started either" + ―bfallis95, Dec 2015 +% +Humans require years of training to not shit themselves. + ―LesMiserables999, Jul 2015 +% +My time at the university was like that moment in Interstellar where they make +a small mistake and lose 7 years of their lives + ―poushkar, May 2016 +% +If you own a samurai sword you are either a highly skilled assassin or a huge +nerd. + ―Zapinsure, Sep 2015 +% +The only time you ever see a condom used in a sex scene in a film is if it's a +comedy. + ―Colinmacus, Sep 2015 +% +I am against monopolies in principal, but I still want Netflix to have all the +shows. + ―i_sigh_less, Jun 2016 +% +The Cellphone has probably destroyed the alarm clock industry. + ―crobnuck, Apr 2016 +% +In the future, "automatic" and "manual" will refer not to the car's +transmission, but whether the car drives itself or not. + ―YellowG1, Jul 2015 +% +The only difference between "mostly sunny" and "partly cloudy" is my +weatherman's outlook on life. + ―motodriveby, Feb 2016 +% +The fact that the Machines took the time to create the Matrix for us is pretty +generous. + ―GlassineAeroplane, May 2016 +% +As a kid I could never get my hands on a fast food meal and as an adult I can +never get my hands on a home cooked meal + ―SenorKerry, Jul 2016 +% +Reddit's audience is about 50/50 male to female, but whenever I read a post I +automatically think it's a male who posted it. + ―polish_THIS_turd, Jul 2016 +% +I am so bad at capchas, I am starting to suspect I am not human. + ―EasyRedditor, Apr 2015 +% +I wonder if the picture that will be used for my funeral has already been +taken? + ―Fudgycheeseman, Apr 2016 +% +Teach a man to fish he'll pay you once, sell a man a fish and he'll pay you +for a lifetime + ―[deleted], Feb 2014 +% +Deleting a comment should only delete your name from the comment + ―TylerTJ930, Oct 2014 +% +You can spell "LIFE" within the letter "E" + ―yumyumroar, Sep 2014 +% +Taking a picture of your food is like taking a "before" picture of your shit + ―Yrjosmiel, Jan 2016 +% +What if over time the developers of Pokémon GO slowly reduce Pokémon spawn +rates to zero, and the app turns out to be a publicity stunt to warn about the +dangers of over hunting and extinction. + ―character_yellow, Jul 2016 +% +People who said "Even Harper Lee will release a sequel before George +R. R. Martin" were actually right. + ―bin161, Feb 2015 +% +"Can I have your wifi password?" is the modern "Can I use your home phone?" + ―Wasseratem, May 2016 +% +I'm a twin. One of us were unplanned. + ―PLXGUE, Feb 2014 +% +If Homeward Bound were filmed today, it'd probably be considered unacceptable +for the animals' voices to be simple voice overs. The resulting dog-mouth CGI +would probably ruin the movie. + ―Dooner7, Aug 2014 +% +The only reason you think items were made better in the past (e.g. "They don't +make them like they used to") is because you don't see all the trashy cheap +stuff that *didn't* survive. Only the well-made items survived. + ―cthulhu-kitty, Aug 2014 +% +Sony Honeydicked us into watching The Interveiw + ―blacktrout225, Dec 2014 +% +Reddit is the social media page for people who avoid social media. + ―J0noSnow, May 2016 +% +I want to believe that the sperm that became Michael Phelps out swam all of +the other sperm by a mile. + ―you_ni_dan, Aug 2016 +% +It's easy to think my generation is special because we've seen so many huge +changes, like the internet, cellphones, 9/11, etc., but just two generations +ago saw WWII / the atomic bomb, and two generations before that saw the birth +of the automobile. So every generation probably feels this way. + ―Jhaev, Sep 2015 +% +Vampires are pretty well-groomed considering they did it all without a mirror. + ―sintral, May 2015 +% +Sasha Grey's kid has to be really careful when browsing porn + ―whatthebitchsaw, May 2015 +% +Surgeons and snipers need steady hands for the exact opposite reason. + ―[deleted], Jun 2015 +% +At some point, Reddit will be the next Yahoo or AOL, and only old people will +use it. + ―That_Sketchy_Guy, Apr 2016 +% +Teenage girls saying "I can't even" is basically the same as old ladies saying +"Well I never". + ―KittenRaffle, Jun 2015 +% +"passed" rotated 180 degrees is still "passed" + ―swaggermint, Jan 2015 +% +If animated GIFs are popular, doesn't that mean silent movies are back in +style? + ―smallpoly, May 2015 +% +Alcohol free and free alcohol are the polar opposites of fun. + ―Maddlux, Jul 2016 +% +Porn mags in the Harry Potter universe would be amazing. + ―ElectricSeal, Jun 2014 +% +You can't see photons, but photons are the only thing you can see. + ―dbspeakers, Oct 2016 +% +My kids are better about turning off lights and closing doors in Minecraft +than IRL. + ―hechoinmexico, Dec 2015 +% +The word "Read" is like schrodinger's cat. It exists as both words until it is +read by someone. + ―pm_me_pizza_giftcard, May 2016 +% +If facebook added an anonymous dislike button, there would be a lot less +garbage on our newsfeeds. + ―Kyankik, Oct 2014 +% +People used to save the newspapers from the day their baby was born. By the +time I have mine, I'll probably screenshot the front page of reddit. + ―kaj131, Sep 2016 +% +Since a straight line only needs two points, you and I are perfectly lined up +right now. + ―CombustibleA1, Aug 2014 +% +As an adult, my penis is the closest thing I have to the little red devil that +stood on shoulders and whispered terrible advice in to cartoon character's +ears. + ―TheGreenAbe, Jul 2016 +% +CPR is the human version of blowing in a videogame cartridge and hoping it'll +work again. + ―godblow, Feb 2015 +% +"Sh*ts and giggles" is kind of cute, but "Sharts and gargles" is an entirely +different mental image. + ―MedicsOfAnarchy, Feb 2015 +% +The fact that nobody won the $900 million lottery last night pretty much rules +out the possibility that mankind will discover time traveling technology. + ―msx8, Jan 2016 +% +The symbol for Christianity is a torture instrument + ―Azumikkel, Jun 2016 +% +Clifford the Big Red Dog must have taken massive shits. + ―travisofarabia, Dec 2015 +% +If you already donate to the ASPCA, there should be a way you can opt out of +watching those depressing animal commercials again + ―luva_ofa_drumma, Jan 2015 +% +Only attending church during Christmas and Easter is the religious equivalent +of only watching sports during the playoffs. + ―Mr_Bundles, Apr 2015 +% +People thinks it's crazy that an elephant can be scared by a mouse, but so +many people are scared of insects. + ―TheUsernameOfDoom, Aug 2016 +% +Bruce Willis needs to age a bit more so Old Habits Die Hard can be filmed. + ―Sahasrara, Feb 2014 +% +The greatest impact of self driving cars will be on pranks. Your mate passes +out in London after drinks, stick them in the car, shout "Aberdeen" at the +computer and send them on their way. + ―space-time-noodle, Dec 2015 +% +Twilight is a series of books where a teenage girl tries to make up her mind +if bestiality is better than necrophilia. + ―Zykium, Jul 2016 +% +Family Guy seems to be 90% Seth McFarlane talking to himself + ―Loveisjusta, Aug 2016 +% +Dreams would be much more fun if they were multi-player servers that other +sleeping people could join. + ―JJTjames, Jul 2014 +% +Why would the guy who thought superman was a bird feel like he had to yell to +everyone on the block about it + ―13langee, Sep 2014 +% +Just as our bodies heat up to kill off a sickness, what if global warming is +the earth heating up to kill off humanity? + ―chachasling, Jan 2015 +% +The laugh track in "How I Met Your Mother" would make more sense if it were +two kids laughing, rather than a studio audience. + ―Todyj8, Nov 2015 +% +I was too young to realize it, but Cherry Poppin' Daddies is a pretty fucked +up band name. + ―inputmethod, May 2016 +% +A male lunch lady is a lunch lord + ―DataBiter, Aug 2016 +% +I used to think women wouldn't date me because they are shallow. Now I realize +they don't date me because I'm not interesting, funny, attractive, or have any +other admirable qualities really. + ―Pepperman94, Aug 2016 +% +Family Guy is 90% Seth MacFarlane talking to himself + ―greengrasser11, Feb 2014 +% +Chipotle doesn't use chipotle as an ingredient in anything on its menu + ―ArbitrageurD, Apr 2016 +% +I think eating a steak after a workout is the most savage thing ever. You're +eating an animal's muscle to basically steal its strength. + ―Landonraster, Jun 2016 +% +On May 2, the anniversary of the first Loch Ness Monster sighting, Reddit Gold +should be $3.50. + ―TeethOrBullets, Apr 2016 +% +Anyone who feels the need to point out that they're 'weird' is probably +boring. + ―mysticalzebra, Oct 2016 +% +In the Harry Potter world, why is there no magic spell to correct his vision? + ―anoelr1963, Aug 2016 +% +Theaters should have headphone jacks in their seats so you can plug in +earphones if someone is being loud and distracting. + ―flapjack009, Jun 2016 +% +If I ever get Alzheimer's, at least I can rewatch all my favourite comedies +and not see the jokes coming. + ―rosylux, Jan 2015 +% +Rap is all about poor people bragging about being rich, while country is rich +people bragging about being poor. + ―BadElement, Apr 2015 +% +Maybe Voldemort's face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train +station. + ―Ghostkid46714, May 2015 +% +When a sorority girl wears an oversized shirt, they are wearing Schrodinger's +pants. The pants may be considered simultaneously there and not there. + ―DaWhompOfLegends, Aug 2016 +% +How much fun it would be to own a lightsabre in a zombie apocalypse + ―PlRATE, Oct 2014 +% +I've never had to change the lightbulb in a microwave. + ―chetoflep, Sep 2016 +% +An option on Netflix to watch the trailer of the movie would help out on +deciding what to watch + ―iJustObserve, Oct 2014 +% +If the events of the Matrix took place in today's time, they'd be fucked +trying to find a phone line for an exit. + ―MAKOxEYES, May 2016 +% +I hate when people say 'tuna fish' sandwich. I don't say I'm having a 'chicken +bird' or 'beef mammal' sandwich. + ―lddiamond, Apr 2016 +% +The women that "hover" over toilet seats are the reason women feel like they +need to "hover" to begin with. + ―tina4free, Sep 2016 +% +We never realize how many people we dislike until it comes to naming our +child. + ―Storytellerbobfan, Sep 2016 +% +Say what you will about Plankton, but he could have created a computer wife +who does his bidding and never disagrees. Instead, he created a computer wife +with free will. She often nags and mocks him, just like a real wife would do. + ―alexandergunther, Oct 2016 +% +Nikola Tesla is now best known for not being well known + ―justhereforhides, Apr 2014 +% +Monkeys made it to space before we did without even trying. + ―Zambeee, Feb 2015 +% +1980 is as far away as 2046. + ―SnailHunter, Oct 2013 +% +I hope Jared Fogle gets fat again in prison. + ―neuroeng, Feb 2016 +% +Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who +claim to have been abducted by aliens. + ―brandonberry, May 2014 +% +Teenagers have only ever known what it's like being a child, but are expected +act like adults while being treated like a child. + ―JMS230, Nov 2015 +% +When a British person says they have a bloody nose, it sounds like they're +angry at the fact that they have a nose. + ―PlutoEra, Oct 2014 +% +You could just post a picture of a random object and say it's cake and people +would be super impressed. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +The person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with is out there +creating memories that you'll hear about when you eventually meet them. + ―cloudracing, Jan 2015 +% +the goo goo dolls need to tour with lady gaga and call it the goo goo gaga +tour + ―lotusmilano, Feb 2016 +% +Whenever a teacher allowed students to make a cheat sheet for a test, they +were conning us into actually studying + ―tkarocker, May 2016 +% +No matter how awful I feel, the sound of rain beating against my bedroom +window calms my soul. + ―jcros830, Sep 2016 +% +Water (blue) + Sun (yellow) = Plants (green) + ―TimeIsWasted, Mar 2015 +% +If you log more than two hours a day on reddit, you should not be allowed to +post to r/getmotivated + ―radcoconut1, Feb 2015 +% +What if aliens visited Earth, but they came when it was frozen solid 650 mil +years ago and they wrote it off as a lifeless frozen rock. + ―ragingfailure, Aug 2015 +% +Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so +technically pancakes are more important than family. + ―GnarlyBellyButton87, Oct 2015 +% +If Jesus came back today, the most devout "Christians" would probably be the +ones to persecute him. + ―nonyface, May 2015 +% +The word "nun" is just the letter "n" doing a cartwheel. + ―CreeperDays, Mar 2015 +% +I often sit down at my desk in front of my $1200 custom built PC and browse +Reddit on my iPhone. + ―littlespoon22, Jul 2016 +% +WebMD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always +cancer + ―DeKobeDeBryant, Jun 2016 +% +In light of the Sony hackings, South Park should make an episode where they +just kill Kim Jong-un over and over again. + ―HenryAlanVenture, Dec 2014 +% +I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we're like "that's a soup +ladle". + ―[deleted], Sep 2016 +% +I'm surprised Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn't done any work with Burger +King. "Get to da whoppa!" would make for a great ad. + ―jonwilt, Dec 2014 +% +A penis is essentially a hydraulic sperm cannon made out of meat + ―Prettygirlproblems, May 2016 +% +a sheep spends her whole life fearing the wolves, and gets eaten in the end by +the shepherd. + ―Amine-de, Jul 2016 +% +Being able to scratch my balls as thoroughly and as often as I wanted (in +public) would be a seriously underrated perk of telekinesis. + ―abdishaquor, Sep 2014 +% +A pizza is circular, but everyone eats it from the inside out. Everyone's +first bite starts at the exact center of the pizza. + ―Narhen, Apr 2016 +% +It is more widely socially acceptable to watch TV and do nothing than it is to +play video games and control what you do. + ―5K331DUD3, Jun 2016 +% +I think ELY5 would be vastly more entertaining, albeit less informative, than +ELI5 + ―PeterM76, Apr 2015 +% +Today my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all ran out +simultaneously. That'll probably never happen again as long as I live. + ―mt_dewsky, May 2016 +% +In 12 years or so... If reddit is still a thing, the kid that fell into +Harambe's enclosure might do an AMA + ―Invictum2go, Sep 2016 +% +I will only trust a napkin if it's in a stack + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +Today is the worst Monday of the year for everyone, so far + ―jrinco11, Jan 2015 +% +Aliens living millions of light years away haven't invaded us yet in fear of +dinosaurs that their telescopes show on Earth. + ―polikujm1, May 2015 +% +Pringles should have a twister at the bottom like deodorant to bring the chips +closer to their destination. + ―RIPproductivity, Mar 2015 +% +I would pay good money to watch a version of the Olympics where only people +using performance enhancing drugs can compete. It would be awesome to see the +true extent of the human body. + ―Bryden1, Aug 2016 +% +While searching on Google, I find myself still clicking the "did you mean" +link even after Google has loaded the results I wanted + ―Jdcarty, Apr 2016 +% +You never realize how much is stolen from reddit until you start going on +reddit. + ―Teh_Ocean, Oct 2016 +% +This is probably the first time in history where men are wanting to see a +movie about a teddy bear, and women want to see a movie about strippers. + ―Turkinator25, Jul 2015 +% +The NSA is the only part of our government that listens to us. + ―krypel, May 2015 +% +My genitals have seen less direct sunlight than many deep sea creatures. + ―Gawsoo, Oct 2014 +% +As a married man, I don't randomly honk my wife's boobs nearly as often as 14 +year old me thought I would. + ―benicebitch, Jun 2015 +% +I wish there were a website called Frood that matches people who want a free +meal with people who will pay because dinner alone is boring. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +Pac-man was trapped in a maze of pill addiction, trying to outrun his demons +before his lifestyle caught up to him. + ―culturalcalories, Jan 2016 +% +The Fat Acceptance Movement is the only movement that can be defeated by +actual movement. + ―InebriatedAustrian, May 2015 +% +"#1 Dad/Mom" presents would be a really bad idea if you had gay parents. + ―JoshSifuentes, Sep 2014 +% +For April Fools' Day, the Hot or Not app should remove the social media aspect +and just show the user a bunch of pictures (an igloo, a campfire, etc) and +request each object to be identified as Hot or Not + ―lexhardcastle, Nov 2014 +% +I wonder if Alex Trebek's tombstone will say 'Who was the host of Jeopardy?' + ―Phister_BeHole, Jan 2015 +% +The "World's Oldest Profession" can't be prostitution because the first man to +use a prostitute had to have some kind of job to pay her. + ―OccamsBeard, Feb 2015 +% +When I was a kid I used to prioritize having a cool ringtone. Now I just keep +my phone on silent... + ―yangchi2436, Apr 2015 +% +Monopoly is only made by one company + ―OwenOtter, Mar 2014 +% +I can't think of a phrase with a more reverse impact than, "Calm Down". + ―thatkidintomusic, Apr 2016 +% +There should be a hat store called "ALL CAPS" where the employees all yell at +you + ―Raptor231408, Nov 2014 +% +Reddit is a social network for people who hate social networks. + ―patkndy, Jan 2016 +% +The internet uses many terms relating to water. I can surf the web, stream a +video, or wait until my computer freezes + ―Faverett, Jun 2016 +% +Is the "S" or "C" in scent silent? + ―Vaxtin, May 2015 +% +Batman's parents got killed when he was lil Wayne + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +Amputees with prosthetic legs can use the phrase "I stand corrected" +literally. + ―[deleted], Jul 2014 +% +I wonder how many people I've unknowingly interacted with in public that had a +butt plug in their ass. + ―MCsmalldick12, May 2015 +% +The Star Wars title crawls are still floating through space. + ―William_H_Harrison, Jul 2014 +% +When I'm at home, NSFW stands for Not Safe For Wife + ―basstotrout69, Jan 2015 +% +I can send pictures of smiling poo, but I can't text in italics + ―CaptainSomeGuy, Feb 2016 +% +Vampires only suck your blood for Vitamin D because they can't go out in the +sun themselves. + ―CaptainSkull22, Jul 2016 +% +In the year 2021 the phrase "hindsight is 20/20" will be insufferably popular. + ―Alsweetex, Dec 2015 +% +How the fuck am I meant to stay with the same girl for the rest of my life +when I can't even jack off over the same porn twice? + ―[deleted], Aug 2015 +% +Having "Birthday Sex" essentially means that you're having sex to celebrate +your parents having had sex. + ―timbla, Nov 2014 +% +100 years ago, most people were skinny and the rich were fat. Now the poor are +fat and the rich are skinny. + ―FyurienStudios, Dec 2015 +% +In order to fall asleep, you have to pretend to be asleep. + ―conesarecool, Feb 2014 +% +In 'How I Met Your Mother,' Ted represents how most guys see +themselves. Barney represents what most guys think they would most enjoy being +like. But secretly, Marshall represents the type of life most guys would be +happiest living. + ―mista_rager, Aug 2014 +% +If 7 billion competed in a single elimination rock paper scissor tournament, +the winner would have only won 33 times in a row. + ―[deleted], Jul 2014 +% +I should call one digit away from my number and introduce myself to my phone +neighbors + ―Moirebass, Dec 2014 +% +Women can say "what a dick" as an insult or a compliment for men. + ―popnfresh24, Jan 2015 +% +They should put alarms on car keys that go off when your car alarm goes off. + ―RiddleMeThis1213, Jun 2015 +% +Do I exist only because one of my ancestors was raped? + ―KeoneShyGuy, Oct 2014 +% +Birthday sex is like having celebratory sex because your parents had sex. + ―dem930, Apr 2016 +% +If I had a dollar for every time I considered suicide, I'd want to live +instead + ―YulliaTy, Oct 2016 +% +Samuel L Jackson killed a bounty hunter named Jango in Star Wars and got +killed by a bounty hunter named Django in Django Unchained + ―Drakesfjord, Mar 2016 +% +The Jurassic Park movies have ruined any possibility of there being a dinosaur +theme park. + ―Miamime, Jun 2015 +% +Masturbating to pictures in the Harry Potter universe would be extremely +uncomfortable for the people in the pictures. + ―CaptainDarkstar42, Jul 2015 +% +Swiper never actually steals anything of much importance, or keeps it for too +long. He probably just had an awkward crush on Dora and doesn't know how to +flirt. + ―Papasixfivefive, Sep 2015 +% +By killing spiders you see near you, you are allowing only the sneaky spiders +to breed, creating an evolved species of super sneaky spiders that you won't +see coming for you. + ―TheMattBox, Aug 2016 +% +Why on earth are cereal bags not Ziploc yet? + ―nyc_daniel, Aug 2016 +% +Masturbating deaf men must be amongst the most paranoid person alive + ―themoisme, Aug 2016 +% +I have never liked, commented, or subscribed, just because a youtuber asked me +to + ―Rskingen, Nov 2015 +% +When there's an earthquake, coffins become huge underground maracas. + ―Crazykool5, May 2015 +% +People are easily shelling out $550-$700 on an iPhone, but think $1500 is too +expensive for a computer. + ―Ilikethebestthing, Dec 2015 +% +In my entire life, I have never seen a female taxi driver. + ―zedgy, Dec 2014 +% +Your dogs butt would be a good place to smuggle drugs past a drug dog + ―armpitchoochoo, Aug 2015 +% +The names Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint sound more made-up than Harry +Potter and Ron Weasley. + ―Taman_Should, Dec 2015 +% +A laser tag arena would be an intense place for a cat. + ―eskimoexplosion, Jan 2016 +% +Cannibalism would fix hunger problems and overpopulation at the same time + ―ImP1nheadLarry, Jul 2016 +% +I feel like a boss whenever i use an inside breast pocket on a jacket. + ―tjpj1919, Jul 2016 +% +All our pets might have Stockholm syndrome. + ―TeeDeeEff, Jan 2014 +% +Squidward is far too judgemental for someone who never wears pants. + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +Stephen Hawking is 74... That's the best proof I need that exercise isn't +necessary to living a long life. + ―Off_Duty_Superhero, Feb 2016 +% +Middle aged adults say that young people are ruining English by texting, but +all of my 18 to 27 year old friends use near perfect grammar. My mom, dad, and +grandma abbreviate every word they can. + ―MicroCamel, Sep 2016 +% +If I bring a condom to a girl's house, I'm a presumptuous asshole. If I don't +bring a condom to a girl's house, I'm an irresponsible jerk. + ―jerryterhorst, Jul 2015 +% +Why the HELL don't individual Poptart packages tell you what flavor they are?! +What anarchy this is. + ―AndrewWaldron, Mar 2016 +% +People who buy $60 games are the beta-testers for those of us who buy $10 +games. + ―[deleted], Jun 2014 +% +When you're checking people out on Facebook with your smartphone, it's like a +human pokedex + ―Lilchubbychunk, Nov 2014 +% +'The Walking Dead' spin-Off should have an all-black cast so you'd never know +who would die next. + ―TickingSticks, Feb 2015 +% +Not hiring someone because they’ve been unemployed is like not dating someone +because they’ve been single. + ―Kevin_mark32, Aug 2016 +% +The best time to burn down your workplace is right after someone else gets +fired. + ―thewritingchair, Nov 2015 +% +Candy corn is made from high fructose corn syrup. Probably the most accurate +use of corn syrup. + ―SmugSceptic, Oct 2016 +% +'Slang' is a colloquial word for 'colloquial word'. + ―caucasian-gary, Jun 2014 +% +The real heroes of Reddit are those poor, brave souls who read the articles +and then explain to us why the headline is BS or clickbait + ―IStillLikeChieftain, Oct 2016 +% +Is there an alternate universe that has a Pawn Shop channel that only airs +shows about history? + ―[deleted], Jun 2014 +% +Anal seemed hot when I was in my teens/lower twenties. After a few months of +living with my girlfriend, the smell of the bathroom in the morning after her +morning coffee has put that fetish to rest. Forever. + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +If I were a serial killer I would call myself the suspense so that the +suspense would literally be killing people. + ―AhrmiintheUnseen, Jan 2014 +% +Steve from Blue's Clues was a social recluse that stayed in his house all day +talking to his condiments. + ―Pichus_Wrath, Jun 2014 +% +Almost all good decisions I've made since adulthood have been preceded by the +phrase, "Fuck it". + ―MrGooses, Jun 2015 +% +I can go East or West forever, but if I go North I will eventually go South. + ―P3t0r, Sep 2015 +% +Why aren't there men's underwear that say "Willy Wonka" on the front, and "The +Chocolate Factory" on the back? + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +If J.J. Abrams screws up Star Wars, he will be referred to as Jar-Jar Abrahams +forever more. + ―JRichardson99, Aug 2015 +% +The more I think about it, the more impressed I am with the amount of human +trust it takes to use a glory hole. I'd be terrified that there's someone with +a pair of garden shears on the other side. + ―actually_crazy_irl, Apr 2016 +% +Seeing as how both Batman and Ironman’s only real super powers are that they +are super rich and very smart, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs sure turned out to be +disappointments. + ―seemarakesh, Oct 2016 +% +As a college senior, I can't wait until my net worth is finally $0 + ―KingOfTheCouch13, Jul 2015 +% +No drug dealer I have ever encountered has offered me a "First One's Free to +get you hooked" deal, like my school and parents told me would happen as a +kid. Kind of disappointed. + ―peppersrus, Nov 2015 +% +There should be signs telling you when drug free school zones end so you know +when it's OK to do drugs again. + ―The_Amazing_Scrotum, Aug 2016 +% +"Fuck" is great because only people who I'd want to offend would be offended +by it. + ―Halfhead, Jun 2016 +% +What if humans are sperm's way of reproducing? + ―foaming_infection, Jul 2014 +% +Coffee chains are socially acceptable drug dealers. + ―dumbconsumer, Dec 2014 +% +Just realized Will and Jada named their kids Willow and Jaden. + ―Invicta_Game, Feb 2015 +% +What if kids loving their parents is a form of Stockholm Syndrome? + ―BobVosh, Aug 2014 +% +"Where are you?" has probably never been asked in sign language + ―butterknot, May 2016 +% +As a kid, I thought people used "grow up" to mean "be tough enough and brave +enough to stand up to the world's bullshit", as an adult I realize people +actually used the phrase to mean "be jaded enough to resign yourself to the +world's bullshit without complaining". + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +I'd actually watch NASCAR if they raced basic, everyday cars, with all +standard features. It'd be a good advertisement for the car companies too. + ―godamnlochnesmonster, Oct 2016 +% +If you Photoshop the basketball out of NBA action shot photographs, it just +looks like a bunch of people in uniforms trying to high five but can't quite +get it right. + ―cjbny, Oct 2014 +% +"?!" makes a sound in my head, but I can't describe what it is. + ―Zadder, Aug 2014 +% +nothing makes sense, pizzas are round, the boxes we put them in are square and +we eat them as triangles + ―Gamingmancan, Sep 2015 +% +Kim K has 64mil Insta followers and gets approx 1mil likes per post. If you +have 100 followers, and get 2 likes per post you're getting a higher +percentage of likes than she is. + ―positivenegativity8, Mar 2016 +% +Now Taylor Swift is the one wearing short skirts and high heels instead of +t-shirts and sneakers. + ―Starsy, Oct 2016 +% +I'm so internet lazy that when I see a link to YouTube I'm like, "Ugh, you +couldn't have made this a gif?" + ―cantlearnham, Jun 2016 +% +I'm mad at Apple dumping the headphones jack not because I plan to buy an iP7 +but because I'm afraid others will follow their stupid example + ―pp0000, Sep 2016 +% +I want to live in a world where it's possible to listen to YouTube AND lock my +phone + ―DonnyTheBowler, Apr 2015 +% +When someone else makes you laugh in your dream, your brain came up with that +joke. Of course you think it's funny. + ―JimmyBroJammas, Jun 2014 +% +The world looks at Americans the way we look at texans. + ―Kubrickann, Feb 2015 +% +Maybe the placebo effect isn't real and sugar pills are actually very good at +treating a variety of conditions. + ―non_clever_name, Aug 2014 +% +Because of my cancer, any room I enter will then usually have an odd number of +testicles present. + ―DancesWithDownvotes, Sep 2014 +% +If Elton John dies who the fuck are we going to get to sing at his funeral? + ―BookerGinger, Oct 2014 +% +Building a computer is like putting together a really expensive Lego set that +you will eventually use to masturbate + ―McGrizzly, Jul 2016 +% +If Breaking Bad took place entirely from Hank's perspective, his discovery +about who Heisenberg really was would have been one of the best TV plot twists +in recent memory. + ―I_AM_TALKING_, Aug 2014 +% +The people living in the Renaissance didn't know they were living in the +Renaissance. I wonder what period future historians will call present day. + ―Peekmeister, May 2016 +% +Peter Parker made a living selling his selfies to the local newspaper. + ―kerwin144, Jun 2016 +% +if you had enough money, you could buy out facebook and just delete it + ―defaultdog, Apr 2016 +% +If I were to kill a spider in my Reeses Pieces, I would say, "Rest in Pieces, +Pest in Reeses." + ―Ridankulas, Feb 2014 +% +I'll bet that spider's just as pissed as I am that I walked through its web. + ―principled_principal, Aug 2016 +% +All the months at the end of year are 'embers' it's like the year is burning +itself out... + ―PhoenixGrey, Sep 2014 +% +If I was a musician, I would let Weird Al parody my song under the stipulation +that I be somewhere in the music video, dressed up as a parody of Weird Al + ―schatzski, Apr 2016 +% +In the US, taxes are mandatory but voting isn't. People who pay taxes but +don't vote are basically saying, "Here, take my money. Whoever is in charge +can do whatever they want with it." + ―redAMAdit, Mar 2015 +% +/r/machineporn will mean something completely different in 100 years. + ―LightBulbInAss, Nov 2015 +% +I wonder if any of my ancestors owned one of my dog's ancestors + ―Canucker2017, Sep 2016 +% +Watching parkour experts playing tag would be awesome + ―Toxic_Axon, Apr 2016 +% +I wonder if I have ever eaten an egg from the same hen twice. + ―rounsivil, Nov 2014 +% +If you were to rob a Men's Warehouse with a utility knife, it would be a razor +blade blazer raid. + ―Protsko, Apr 2015 +% +The trees cut down to make Jenga blocks are repeatedly forced to relive their +own death. + ―MeowMixSong, Aug 2015 +% +If you block me using an adblocker, I don't stop using the adblocker, I just +leave your website. + ―Foulisfair, Sep 2016 +% +A heart shape with initials cut into the tree bark means someone went on a +date with a knife. + ―ashley76, Sep 2014 +% +Buzz Aldrin's dad once shot a load that made its way to the moon. + ―Unabomber_was_right, Dec 2014 +% +You never realize how cluttered your desk is until you spill a glass of water. + ―billythenick, Dec 2015 +% +My wife just went back to school which means I'm having sex with a college +girl. + ―steeb2er, Jan 2016 +% +Barack Obama's ama should have been titled "obAMA" + ―Worldsbestchandelier, Jan 2014 +% +I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me. + ―convoces, Jan 2015 +% +120,000,000 Just sat down and watched a group of millionaires throw a ball +around + ―Isixpool, Feb 2015 +% +Movie theaters should hold 'adult only' showings of kid films so I, as a 24yo +single male, can enjoy those movies in peace. I would love to see Pixar movies +without a bunch of rowdy children in the theater. + ―popplenrookie, Aug 2015 +% +As a kid I was taught to stop, drop, and roll like getting caught on fire +would be a frequent part of my life. + ―GuyWithNoDollars, Oct 2014 +% +I just texted myself something to remember it later. I'm so lazy that I sent +data to space, bounced it off a satellite, and got it back rather than picking +up a pencil and writing it down. + ―lma0ik0u, Nov 2015 +% +Cars should have two horns: One is a "nice" one, the other is a "mean" one. + ―DDYLK, Jun 2014 +% +Having a bath is "downloading" water; having a shower is merely "streaming" +it. + ―mifkin, Oct 2014 +% +What if there is no such thing as a placebo effect and sugar pills are a +miracle cure for disease. + ―PlumsNThings, Oct 2015 +% +The older I get, the more I understand Britney Spears' 2007 meltdown. + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +The reason why lottery winners often go bankrupt is because all the +financially-responsible people know that lottery tickets are a waste of money. + ―Shinjigetintherobot, Aug 2014 +% +Instead of Reddit Gold, I would pay half the price to give someone Reddit Coal +to all the stupid comments I see out there + ―idontbangnomore, Apr 2016 +% +Literally nothing is stopping me from finding all the hunting cameras in the +nearby woods and running past each of them at roughly 3 AM on all fours, +wearing a pig mask + ―wrestles_bears, Nov 2014 +% +If any great Scientist had died as a child, other scientists would have +eventually made their discoveries. If any great Writer had died as a child, no +one else would ever have written their books. + ―RunDNA, Feb 2015 +% +If congressmen and women don't show up to work, then they should not be able +to get paid. Just like everyone else who doesn't show up to work. + ―The_Hambino, Jul 2016 +% +There should be an island or neutral country (switzerland) that hosts the +Olympics and re-uses phenomenal facilities for winter and/or summer olympics. + ―Jungleoboe, Aug 2016 +% +If a man wears a thong and gets an erection would he give himself a wedgie + ―aidclu06, Dec 2014 +% +They should make a realistic expansion for The Sims, where you start off with +a college degree, no house, no job and no money... You just move into your +parents basement at which point the game closes and launches World of +Warcraft. + ―Tarnwyn, Jul 2015 +% +There should be a Reddit "shuffle" function to completely switch up your front +page instead of seeing the same posts for hours. + ―heli_elo, Jun 2016 +% +Millennials are mocked for getting participation trophies, but Boomers were +the ones handing them out. + ―hillsfar, Aug 2016 +% +They should invent some kind of edible tape that you could use for holding +down parts of different foods, like the ends of a burrito. + ―Megamean09, Jul 2016 +% +Went to my coffee joint after lunch. No warning they stopped carrying the +healthnut cookies I adore AND they hired a new barista. Dude didn't know what +I wanted and couldn't make it the same way. It occurred to me on my way back +to work that they had deleted my cookies and lost my site preferences! + ―beanofdoom, May 2016 +% +I wish I had a USB port in my belly button so I could charge my phone with the +excess calories from beer + ―emerty, Oct 2014 +% +Birthday presents are rewards for not dying that year + ―mynameisteenager, Oct 2014 +% +People on death row should choose the endless breadsticks from olive garden as +their last meal. + ―Calvino97, Oct 2014 +% +We go to coffee shops to drink coffee (a stimulant) to focus and expect a +quiet atmosphere, and we go to taverns and bars to drink alcohol (a +depressant) to socialize and expect a loud atmosphere. + ―smokechaser, Mar 2016 +% +The FBI and DOJ saying "just this one iPhone" is the legal equivalent of "just +the tip." + ―gekokujouseikatu, Feb 2016 +% +Jimmy John's should open an upscale restaurant chain called James Johnathan's. + ―aRVAthrowaway, Oct 2014 +% +I think I take it way too much for granted that the internet's 'primary +language' is English + ―victoryspin, Aug 2016 +% +If Snapchat keeps all photos taken and underage people are always getting in +trouble for taking nude selfies on Snapchat, does that make Snapchat the +world's biggest collection of child pornography? + ―DrFoosball, Apr 2015 +% +I wonder if Mike Rowe ever asks if someone wants a free microwave and then +just waves at them. + ―Alarang, Jun 2015 +% +Movie Theaters sell some the noisiest food you could possibly eat but please, +silence your cell phones so as not to disturb others. + ―arclathe, Dec 2015 +% +You have to understand the difference between someone who speaks to you on +their free time and someone who frees their time to speak to you. + ―_LMiller, Jun 2015 +% +My wife watches so many cop/murder mystery shows that she could probably kill +me and get away with it. + ―tPTBNL, Jun 2016 +% +An "old man" is typically older than an "older man." + ―NPDoc, Jan 2015 +% +"True love's kiss" is Disney for "and then they boned." + ―b33tl3juic3, Mar 2015 +% +Deaf people will never understand why we all love Morgan Freeman so much. + ―HawX1492, Jun 2015 +% +Rick Astley, Green Day, Sum 41, and the Killers Released Music this week. I +don't know what year it is. + ―billingsworld, Oct 2016 +% +There is no "i" in team...there is however an "i" in 'win', 'achievement', +'prevail', 'triumph', 'first place', 'gold medalist' and 'champion'. + ―Kosmozoan, Apr 2015 +% +How come people don't sing happy birthday to the baby as it's being delivered? +I mean That's their actual birthday. + ―Three_G, Aug 2015 +% +Wiz Khalifa's password for everything should be "BlackAndYellow" and the hint +should be "You know what it is." + ―Mike09220, Feb 2015 +% +The nsfw tag is the reddit click bait + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +At least three people won the Powerball, I belive that there should only be +one winner. I say we put the three winners into a pit and make them fight +until only survives, we can put it on PPV and call it PowerBrawl... + ―elry09, Jan 2016 +% +I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kid's meals are +$250.00 + ―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2015 +% +If humans showing compassion to animals is called humane, then is dog showing +compassion to humans called doge? + ―birdisaword, Dec 2014 +% +Whoever decided that an uppercase 'I' and lowercase 'l' should look exactly +the same on a computer was a sadistic monster. + ―garrettbtm22, Apr 2016 +% +Call of Duty releases a marginally similar game each year and is +reviled. Pokemon releases the exact same game every time, which you need to +buy 2 of to get all the pokemon, and is universally beloved. + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +Buzzfeed will make an article on Asian people wearing English words within the +week + ―Diedeck, Jul 2015 +% +There should be a Chrome extension that replaces any celebrity news with +scientific facts + ―Atreides27, Sep 2016 +% +If deer could speak, the females would say to the males, "Nice rack." + ―ih8legal, Sep 2014 +% +Kindergarten is essentially a yearlong ELI5. + ―mhgiantsfan, Mar 2015 +% +Someday, someone will be the last person ever born. + ―Unicorn_Ranger, Oct 2015 +% +"I'm calling my lawyer" is the adult equivalent of "I'm telling my mom" + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +Being paid minimum wage is like playing life on hard. + ―xX_420_Blz_iT_Xx, Dec 2015 +% +Reddit is a bunch of strangers doing posts and discussions you wish your +friends did on facebook. + ―Oddsball, Dec 2014 +% +The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep foreigners out, but now +it's what brings foreigners in. + ―Kimbo-Jo, Sep 2015 +% +Pets are better than children. They eat less, they don't ask for money, and if +they get pregnant, you can sell their babies. + ―Loudsilences, Jun 2016 +% +The fence that encloses the smallest area in the world also encloses the +largest. + ―dreamerluce, Jun 2016 +% +Hillary and Bill Clinton should be known collectively as Hillbilly + ―ssrrgg, Apr 2015 +% +In school zones I watch my speedometer more than I watch for kids + ―pwebyd90, Nov 2015 +% +As a student, $1000 is both almost no money at all, and yet so much money, at +the same time. + ―laminatedlama, Mar 2016 +% +When I was in high school, I was jealous of everyone dating a college +student. Then I went to college and met the kind of people who date high +schoolers. + ―KidCudiPeakedAtMOTM, Feb 2016 +% +If glasses become sexy, then having bad eyesight will make you more likely to +reproduce. We will be reversing evolution. + ―CrazyLlama1950, Jan 2015 +% +People aren't getting dumber - tech is allowing their stupidity to be heard + ―hogiewan, Mar 2016 +% +The phrase "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, +does it make a sound?" Is a great example of humanity's over-inflated sense of +importance. + ―SynopticOutlander, May 2016 +% +The fact that we are consious minds in a skeleton covered in meat, living on +an organic spaceship filled with molten iron orbiting a perpetual nuclear +explosion that is billions of years old is the most beautiful, mystical and +metal thing I have ever heard. + ―AnonymousAutonomous, Jan 2016 +% +South Park usually reports the news in a more unbiased and accurate way than +most news stations + ―Shail4221, Oct 2016 +% +If you have to convert others to your religion in order to go to heaven, it is +a pyramid scheme. + ―fuzzyfuzzler, Jul 2014 +% +It would be ironic if in 2020 we elect a blind president. + ―Jatipi, Aug 2014 +% +I have probably missed out on tons of otherwise great porn clips just because +the thumbnail didnt look good enough to click on... + ―surfingjesus, Aug 2015 +% +There needs to be a fire detector that turns off when you yell "I'm just +cooking". + ―StarStatic, Sep 2015 +% +The food network should make a cooking show where chefs go into strangers +homes and have to make the best dish possible with the available ingredients. + ―majortomhanks, Jun 2016 +% +If Professor Xavier ever tried to read Deadpool's mind, could he potentially +break the fourth wall accidentally? Therefore discovering our world? + ―MrMonster91, Jul 2014 +% +Being KO is pretty much the opposite of being OK. + ―theonlyVi, Aug 2014 +% +Growing up in the 90s, I assumed African killer bees were going to be +something I'd have to worry about on a daily basis. + ―hoobityboobities, Jul 2016 +% +My Reddit goal is to have a friend share a post of mine and not know it was +submitted by me. + ―TheRetroVideogamers, Aug 2016 +% +I would like to see Gordon Ramsay sing for Simon Cowell, and Simon Cowell to +cook for Gordon Ramsay. No cuts, no edits. + ―OPS_HORNY__MOM, Nov 2015 +% +HBO should buy the rights to Harry Potter and make a series where every season +is based around one book. + ―ftwin, Jun 2016 +% +Every survey is skewed towards people willing to participate in surveys. + ―CapitalistMarxist, Jun 2015 +% +Bedtime is so metal. I'm currently brushing the exposed bits of my skeleton so +they don't get destroyed by tiny creatures in my sleep, then I'll turn off all +the lights and lie in the silent dark for 8 hours. + ―1tsNeverLupus, Jul 2016 +% +It took me way too long to realize that Liam is short for William + ―mrsaturdaypants, Feb 2016 +% +A condom wrapper is packaging for your package's packaging + ―Kugablah, May 2016 +% +Considering the 1000's of times I've done it, I still don't know were to put +my arms when I go to sleep + ―meurl, Sep 2016 +% +If Hermoine Granger and Sherlock Holmes had a child together, it would be the +single most dangerous literary character to ever exist. + ―Musical_Muze, Sep 2016 +% +Fat people may actually be able to run away from their problems. + ―Iplaymeinreallife, Sep 2014 +% +I've survived everything I've ever done. + ―notimeleftinMelbs, Nov 2014 +% +After dating a girl with huge boobs the past few months, now my first thought +when I see a woman with huge boobs isn't "sweet", it's "man her back and +shoulders must be killing her" + ―cinnister, Jul 2015 +% +"McDonald's has the best mayonaise" is the single fattest thought I've ever +had. + ―HeisenbergTheKing, Mar 2016 +% +Apple has become the anthesis of their famous 1984 campaign. + ―theshoopiandude, Jan 2015 +% +I have a feeling that Bruce Wayne would be better at fixing Gotham than +Batman. Batman spends hours a day punching college dropouts when Bruce Wayne +could create jobs by building the infrastructure that Gotham desperately needs +and funding major job training initiatives. + ―TheNerdyNegro, Aug 2015 +% +Time machines need to be teleportation machines also because otherwise you'll +end up in the middle of space while the earth has orbited somewhere else +entirely. + ―evictor, Mar 2016 +% +If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a +sign that reads, "Voted best psychic of 2016!" + ―_perspicacious, Feb 2015 +% +An NBA player being fined $25,000 is the equivalent of me being fined $4.60 +based on my own net worth. + ―commuterboy, Jun 2016 +% +If a woman climaxes fast the man sees it as a compliment. If a man climaxes +fast it is seen as. a shameful joke. + ―_Buff_Drinklots_, Jul 2016 +% +Someday there will be a TIL post about how the word "clockwise" came from +mechanical clocks that used gears to spin arms around to show time. + ―Thewes6, Nov 2013 +% +Knocking on the door of an introvert is like tapping on the glass of a fish +tank + ―ajcunningham55, Apr 2016 +% +I gave up on Facebook for Reddit. Instead of a steady feed of nonsense that I +don't want to read from people I know, I get a steady feed of stuff I do want +to read from strangers. + ―weirdmountain, Sep 2015 +% +"shitpost" is an anagram of "stop this" + ―quickhakker, Dec 2015 +% +Today's date is 100/1000/10000 in binary. + ―AnObsessedRedditor, Aug 2016 +% +I don't hit the snooze button to get a few more minutes of sleep. I hit the +snooze button hoping in the next few minutes, something happens so I don't +have to go to work. + ―itsoutthere, Oct 2016 +% +When I was young, I couldn't use the phone when I was on the internet. Now I +can't can't use the phone unless my internet is on. + ―analogWeapon, Oct 2014 +% +In Disney movies, a duet is the equivalent to a sex scene + ―JizzAss, Nov 2014 +% +Your car keys have more mileage than your car. + ―rollingsweetpotato, Jul 2014 +% +Using Internet Explorer to download Chrome is like the mob making people dig +their own grave + ―Ironicopinion, Nov 2014 +% +Saying "We invented _____" When talking about an invention which originated in +your country is the same as taking credit for a group project you didn't help +at all in. + ―JustHarmony, Sep 2015 +% +I bet Dog Heaven is located directly underneath Toddlers Eating Messily At A +Table Heaven. + ―drewpdoane, Dec 2015 +% +Santa likes rich kids way more than poor kids. + ―jetrii, Dec 2015 +% +School prepares you more for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" than it does for +everyday life + ―ThePopcornDude, Oct 2016 +% +It occurred to me today while lying in bed and not wanting to get up, that one +day I literally won't be able to get up and I'll look back at this moment and +wish I could go back in time and just get up and enjoy life. So I got up. I +genuinely felt like I'd sort of cracked time travel in that moment. + ―supa_d, Oct 2016 +% +They should make "Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2" with Matthew Broderick as a +middle-aged white collar worker playing hooky from work + ―spaceandtime99, May 2015 +% +College is just the most expensive book club. + ―MarcRanucc, Apr 2014 +% +Riding in a cop car after being arrested is the exact opposite of the Cash +Cab. The flashing lights are on the outside, you know the answers but don't +want to say, they take you somewhere you don't want to go, and they take your +cash at the end. + ―MyWorkThrowawayShhhh, Sep 2014 +% +Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles +in your area that watched Suits for the past 11 hours." + ―PaperkutRob, May 2014 +% +My parents say that video games are a waste of money , even though they have a +cabinet full of expensive plates nobody is ever allowed use . + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +every breath I take resets my 5 minute death timer + ―razz13, Aug 2016 +% +Being polite is so rare these days that its often confused with flirting. + ―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016 +% +Does Medusa have pubes, and if so, are they snakes too? + ―GruntingButtNugget, Jan 2014 +% +When we hear the hispanic soccer chat, "Olé Olé Olé Olé," the French hear, +"With milk, with milk, with milk with milk!" + ―willpac828, Sep 2014 +% +North Korea will never have an Ebola case, another thing that makes it Best +Korea + ―bouncehouse45, Oct 2014 +% +The bigger the "Download" button, the less likely it's the button you're +looking for. + ―ghalt77, Sep 2015 +% +Who the hell figured out how butterflies work? Was there just someone randomly +in the right place at the right time, or was someone deliberately following a +caterpillar around like "this bug is up to something cool and I know it." + ―wrestles_bears, Oct 2015 +% +Pizza is a pie chart that updates in real time showing how much pizza you have +left. + ―vickrose, Sep 2014 +% +Snapchat should have a day where facial effects aren't sent along with the +photo. So people everywhere will just receive photos of their friends with +their mouths open and making weird poses. + ―Dani_metal, May 2016 +% +People who use Imgur but not Reddit ("Imgurians") are like rat people who live +in the sewer and insist that it is far better than the city above. + ―ggez247, Aug 2016 +% +When I see blue jeans, I don't see them as "blue". I just see then as jeans, a +neutral pair of pants that can go with darn near anything. + ―IAmAnOutsider, Mar 2016 +% +The opposite of "Netflix and Chill" is "Steam and Loneliness" + ―WorstHumanNA, Oct 2015 +% +People fight each other to the death over what happens when we die. + ―ribbitribbitrabbit, Jun 2015 +% +Every time you receive an up vote, a real person has liked what you said. Even +20 up votes is a lot of people to liked it. + ―nusclothing, Sep 2014 +% +If humans didn't wear clothing, we'd all be in better shape. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +You are hearing this sentence with your eyes. + ―dum-mud, May 2016 +% +My goal in life is to become famous enough to the point where if someone kills +me, I'm considered 'assassinated', and not 'murdered'. + ―sanji-senpai, Jul 2016 +% +Public restrooms should put whiteboards in the stalls to discourage permanent +graffiti and give people something to do while they do their business. + ―Talvanen, Apr 2014 +% +When I was younger I used to look at older employees at fast food places and +think how embarrassing they're working here. Now that I'm older, I admire them +for taking on a job for the better of their families despite the public notion +surrounding working at a fast food place. + ―sarahdempsey1993, Jun 2016 +% +You know you're getting old when MILF porn looks like regular women. + ―Pashza, Nov 2014 +% +I don't have a headache. Thank goodness. You know, I never really appreciate +not having a headache until I actually have a headache, so I should probably +enjoy this moment + ―Yuli-Ban, Aug 2016 +% +I wish I could see a slow-mo replay of all the times I unknowingly almost died + ―Land-Stander, Sep 2016 +% +ea is like 69 for little people + ―CIgay, Jul 2014 +% +I wonder if the Queen of England has ever eaten a burrito + ―mnemoniker, Jul 2014 +% +/r/all should have three settings: nsfw off, nsfw on and nsfw only. + ―Goodly, Feb 2016 +% +I used to be a man in a woman's body. + ―Peefy, Jul 2014 +% +I wonder which testicle my kid came from + ―shit_load_of_piss, Feb 2015 +% +Knowing which of my class mates went on to become police officers, I'm not +very surprised that the US has a problem with the police. + ―torcsandantlers, Nov 2015 +% +As a married man, NSFW in my mind means Not Safe For Wife. + ―Tango_777, Feb 2016 +% +Usain Bolt, has had less than 5 and a half minutes of "game time" in his whole +Olympic career. About the same as injury time added to the average football +game. + ―misinterpreddit, Aug 2016 +% +99% of fixing someone's tech issues is just being better at Google. + ―drain65, Jul 2015 +% +To deaf people, cats vibrate when happy. + ―capable_basilisk, Aug 2014 +% +I wonder how much of Netflix's bandwidth is used by unconscious people. + ―MrConfucius, Apr 2014 +% +If North Korea were human, it would be a teenager. It can't feed itself and +makes loud threats that it never delivers on. + ―The_Rolling_Stone, Aug 2015 +% +Statistically, quite a few of the people reading this while getting ready to +leave for work won't ever make it home again. + ―cookiecutter, Sep 2015 +% +For a cigarette-smoker a "smoke break" is smoking and for a pothead a "smoke +break" is NOT smoking + ―blacklantern135, Oct 2015 +% +My biggest fear is that when creating a password I will accidentally type one +letter wrong and then do the same thing in the "confirm password" box and I +will never be able to sign in to my account + ―saarahpops, Nov 2015 +% +I'm kinda glad Reddit has pulled me completely away from Facebook + ―[deleted], Jun 2015 +% +If you lose a leg you will then have twice as many socks as before. + ―HarmonGorillaz, Oct 2015 +% +When parents get a divorce, they should have to switch houses every week so +the kids don't have to. + ―dandkim, Sep 2014 +% +I haven't read a shampoo bottle since I got my first smartphone. + ―gravybabies, Oct 2015 +% +Since my wife died, I rarely speak out loud in my house. I wonder if my cats +forgot what their names are. + ―Llama_Loogie, Mar 2015 +% +Every Jurassic Park film I am disappointed the Universal Logo isn't an ancient +version of the earth's continents. + ―LazerAttack4242, Jun 2015 +% +Snoop Dogg would be the leader of the grass type gym. + ―Comescus, Jul 2015 +% +Putting "Pick up girls" in my calendar as a 35 year old father has a +completely different meaning than it did 15 years ago. + ―Viking042900, Mar 2016 +% +Redditors seem decently informed until you stumble upon a thread you actually +know something about + ―Marc_My_Words, Mar 2016 +% +[NSFW] A good name for an anal porn star would be * because it looks like a +butt hole and is pronounced like "ass tricks." + ―notasiansteev, Dec 2014 +% +PETA seems like an elaborate ruse by the meat industry to make vegans look +like lunatics. + ―ladadadas, Jun 2015 +% +The slowest way to die is to live. + ―Earthwire, May 2015 +% +When I buy a lottery ticket, I'm really just buying 20 seconds of fantasizing +how my life would change for the better. + ―urko37, Aug 2015 +% +It feels like Morgan Freeman has been old my whole life. + ―iwantartmoney, Aug 2016 +% +Google Earth is good for finding out which of your neighbors has a pool + ―wtb2612, Apr 2014 +% +The two musicians who have said the word "what?" the most are probably Lil' +Jon and Beethoven. + ―omlet_du_fromage, Apr 2014 +% +If you started a cover band called "A Book" no one could judge you. + ―teerad1344, Jun 2014 +% +If you say you are in the top five, you are either fourth of fifth, otherwise +you'd be in the top three. + ―jtlarousse, Jan 2016 +% +If you think the delay for the next Game of Thrones book is bad, I've been +waiting 17 years for Mambo # 6 + ―Reign_Wilson, Jul 2016 +% +Jack really dodged a bullet by not eating those beans. + ―Lenzee100, Jul 2016 +% +Nobody ever sneezes or stutters in a movie unless it's part of their character +or beneficial to the plot. + ―theslothoverlord, Dec 2015 +% +r/creepy should continue to show up on your front page even after you've +unsubscribed + ―cdd_, Apr 2016 +% +At any given moment it is entirely possible that I have already triggered the +chain of events that ultimately leads to my death. + ―Blurringallthelines, Mar 2016 +% +The next season of Archer should have it where everyone confuses them with the +terrorist group ISIS + ―mattdell96, Sep 2014 +% +The new Coke machines with the 100+ flavors should have a random button. + ―Aezoph, Sep 2014 +% +"No means no" should also apply when I ask her if anything is wrong. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +The Olympics would be so much better if YouTube or Netflix had the rights to +stream them + ―NISCBTFM, Aug 2016 +% +If kids can stay on their parent insurance until 26, parents should be able to +go their kids insurance at 65. Social Security and Medicare problem solved. + ―Brain_Beam, Apr 2015 +% +Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was +a winner. + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +If your replace the "w" in "when" "what" and "where" with a "t" you answer the +questions + ―LazerBinky, Sep 2016 +% +Minivans have sliding doors so children don't open them into other cars. + ―Catifan, Feb 2014 +% +Instead of tear gas, police should employ THC cannisters during a riot and +push multiple free snack carts in outward directions to disperse rioters and +dissuade them from destruction. + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +What if drug cartels are comprised exclusively of undercover DEA agents who +don't know about each other? + ―justwondrin, Jun 2014 +% +I don't smoke cigarettes in my car or apartment because it's disgusting. I +have more respect for my property than I do for my body. + ―Washintonian, Jun 2015 +% +One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be +like, "Samsung has had this feature for years". + ―krazzzzykarl, Sep 2016 +% +They should censor female nipples with male nipples since male nipples are +apparently ok to show in media. + ―LASuperdome, Mar 2015 +% +Dogs understand more words in our language than we do in theirs. + ―Brown_Nose_Bear, Sep 2014 +% +If your front door has a mail slot, then you live in a mailbox. + ―UCFSam, Oct 2014 +% +Most of my clothes have been to countries that I have not. + ―zerophaze, May 2014 +% +It's super ironic to read 'Fahrenheit 451' on a Kindle. + ―Fred6567, Aug 2014 +% +Giving someone a heater as a house warming gift is a literal house warming +gift. + ―GenericReditUserName, Oct 2016 +% +Instead of 15 second commercials that can be skipped after 5 seconds, YouTube +should just use 6 second commercials. Vine has proved that is enough time to +get a full thought across. + ―bittenbarman, Dec 2015 +% +When using Snapchat, there should be the option to add an NSFW tag to a snap +so people don't open it in public. + ―OmegaTigBitties, Jun 2015 +% +John Cena is the new Rick Astley. + ―SpartanDoubleZero, Sep 2015 +% +One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years +later and tell you you’re the mom. + ―James_linker, Jul 2016 +% +Zero is plural, but 1 is singular. (0 Comments, 1 Comment) + ―[deleted], Apr 2014 +% +"Free WiFi" is the new "Color TV" for Motels. + ―Organic_Mechanic, Jul 2014 +% +We should change LOL to NE (nose exhale) because that's all we really do when +we see something funny online. + ―Targe23, Apr 2015 +% +George R.R. Martin could write sex scenes for any actor he wants to see naked +in the show. + ―seagulls51, Jan 2016 +% +Most people can eat the same breakfast weeks in a row, without complaint. But +the same dinner for weeks? Now, that's just insanity. + ―roessera, Feb 2014 +% +Starbucks should have a line for everybody who wants their venti triple +half-caf soy mochas with no whip, and separate line for people who want a cup +of coffee. + ―dick-nipples, Dec 2014 +% +"No Man's Land" is a great name for a lesbian bar + ―mcalis2, Jan 2016 +% +Tomorrow is the last sequential date of the century - ending an 11-year +run. 12/13/14. The first being 01/02/03. Many of us may never see a date like +this again in our lifetimes. + ―Kdottdotv, Dec 2014 +% +I've had religious people knock on my door encouraging me to be religious, but +never have I had a homosexual knock on my door to encourage me to be +homosexual. + ―darkon, May 2015 +% +People who actually have Celiac disease must be grateful for all the +fakers... they now have 10x more products to choose from + ―emzmurcko, Nov 2015 +% +Your social status determines if you are either murdered or assassinated. + ―Stew02, Jul 2016 +% +Even when Reddit's servers are down, I can procrastinate my homework by +refreshing the page to see if its up yet. + ―icrispyKing, Dec 2015 +% +"Please try again in a few minutes." Okay, 2 seconds it is. + ―jang808, Oct 2016 +% +Self checkout should include an employee discount. + ―itsDANdeeMAN, Jun 2014 +% +Some Subway executive once thought: "Michael Phelps smoked pot? No, we want a +nice wholesome image. Stick with that Jared fellow." + ―murse_joe, Aug 2016 +% +Netflix really needs a never fucking suggest this again option. + ―CoconutWally, Dec 2014 +% +The Coca Cola logo is actually a really generic logo that became unique by +pretty much not giving a fuck about logo design for 129 years. + ―Anthony_Padildo, Nov 2015 +% +They say murdering small animals is an early warning sign of a serial +killer. Luke Skywalker used to bullseye womp rats with his T-16 back +home. There is something wrong in the Skywalker gene pool. + ―s1ugg0, Mar 2016 +% +Yelling at someone is basically like saying, "Here's my stress. It's all yours +now." + ―jonesn84, Jun 2016 +% +As a kid I hated getting grounded, now I get upset when I have to leave the +house + ―jamditis, Feb 2016 +% +You use a ladle to get broth, and a brothel to get laid. + ―montana_man, Mar 2015 +% +Maybe children's medicine tastes so horrible because they don't want kids to +OD. + ―turtle_pancakes, Dec 2014 +% +A person doesn't become homeless just because they lose all their money, but +also because they lost all their friends. + ―Paranoid4ndroid, Jan 2016 +% +The golden snitch is describe as "damn near impossible to see", so they give a +kid with glasses the job of catching it. + ―staticbobblehead, Nov 2014 +% +No two people can ever go to each others' funerals. + ―notpiercebrosnan, Aug 2014 +% +Reddit is like reverse high school. The nerds are all cool and the girls are +made fun of non stop. + ―SloanethePornGal, Apr 2015 +% +Instead of telling people to stop making memes, the Cincinnati Zoo should tell +people to post their favorite photos of Harambe using the hashtag +#picsoutforharambe. + ―TheTrueFlexKavana, Aug 2016 +% +The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human +race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally. + ―WhiteGiant, Jul 2014 +% +In Spongebob Squarepants, barnacles is used like a curse word. That means +Barnacle Boy is like Fuck Boy or something. + ―SirButthat, Dec 2014 +% +In order for Bill Gates to get the same sensation of the me finding a twenty +dollar bill in my pocket, Bill would have to find 15.2 million dollars in his +pocket. + ―appa25, Sep 2014 +% +Pizzas are eaten from the center outwards. Weird. + ―NomadicWisdom, Dec 2014 +% +At some point you stop wiping and say "Fuck it, that's as clean as my ass is +going to get today" + ―BlazeBro420, Sep 2015 +% +At 27.44mph top speed, it is illegal for Usain Bolt to run in a school zone. + ―Bodybuilder-Vince, Sep 2016 +% +Why do "open minded" people get mad at "close minded" people? Shouldn't they +be a little more open minded to a closed mind? + ―jmrambo, Oct 2016 +% +If it is "never too late" to start something. Then why start today? + ―Coercive_Host, May 2016 +% +If the Civilization series reaches its 104th game, it would be called Civ CIV. + ―Cadu1507, Apr 2014 +% +I spend 1% of the time feeling confident and the other 99% trying to figure +out how to get that feeling back. + ―Third_Redditor_Ever, Aug 2016 +% +" I never sucked his dick" can have 5 different meanings, depending on which +word you stress + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +Reddit is only one site, but when it's down it feels like the Internet is +broken. + ―Nulono, May 2015 +% +It takes a whole ocean and the moon to erase my mere footstep on the sand + ―[deleted], Jun 2014 +% +"iPod!" Is exactly the same upsidedown + ―TitanicMan, Jan 2016 +% +If Kanye West became President. You could find the first lady on pornhub. + ―StoryOfPinocchio, Dec 2015 +% +I would rather use a dirty towel that I've used a hundred times before than +use someone else's towel that they've only used once. + ―productiveredditor_, Aug 2016 +% +Porn sites should enable sorting by the number of people who left the website +after watching the video. + ―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016 +% +When I was a little boy women would always say "You're going to grow up to +break a lot of hearts" as a compliment. That's... kind of messed up isn't it? + ―butbabyyoureadorable, Jul 2015 +% +If the big religions of the world started out today, they would just be passed +off as cults and laughed at. + ―skoomaaddict85, Feb 2016 +% +Road head will become so much more popular with self-driving cars. + ―amkamins, Dec 2014 +% +The Google self-driving car should have an “I’m Feeling Lucky” button that +drives you to a random location. + ―krishnakrisha, Oct 2016 +% +The sun has a 100% chance of rising tomorrow, thanks to the definition of the +word "tomorrow". If the sun didn't rise tomorrow, then it wouldn't be +tomorrow. + ―flyncx, May 2015 +% +Having sex with a horse is legal in more states than smoking Marijuana. God +bless America. + ―ascatraz, Aug 2016 +% +Every time I watch a mountain climbing documentary, all I can think is how the +true star is the cameraman. + ―e-JackOlantern, Oct 2016 +% +Each subreddit should have a dial I can turn up or down, depending how much +content I want on my front page from that subreddit. + ―bobz72, Apr 2016 +% +After living with my girlfriend for a few years now, I completely understand +why every male retirement activity - golf, tennis, fishing, etc. - is done in +silence. + ―mhks, Apr 2016 +% +If 0 is a number, then I have had sex with Emma Watson a number of times. + ―PickleMaster69, Sep 2014 +% +Based on genital structure men should really be the ones wearing skirts and +women should be wearing pants. + ―protnow, Nov 2015 +% +Vampires don't like sunlight but moonlight is actually also sunlight + ―B3yondL, Mar 2016 +% +About 50% of marriages end in divorce, but the other 50% end in death + ―ThatRedPanda11, Sep 2014 +% +When you donate blood, it will flow in someone else's boner. + ―GallowBoob, Oct 2014 +% +"Be Like Bill" meme was about not being annoyed by things online. The "Be Like +Bill" meme maker is making the rounds now and it's making people be really +annoying online. + ―Phingaz, Jan 2016 +% +They should make it so if you lose your phone on vibrate you can call your +number, enter a code, and it turns the ringer volume on so you can find it + ―megalameusername, Apr 2015 +% +on April fools day, PornHub should change the mute button to a full-volume +button + ―Soli--Noid, Jan 2016 +% +Now that pretty much everyone has a digital camera in his pocket, the amount +of UFO footage decreased radically. + ―bahbuhbah, Aug 2016 +% +Buzzfeed must be having a hard time finding new content since Reddit is +currently overtaken with 'fat' posts. + ―IAMA-Dragoness-AMA, Jun 2015 +% +They should change the word "Gunman" to "Jackass". The news would sound so +much better. "Police cornered the jackass after a long standoff." + ―daspelirrojo, Nov 2015 +% +No matter how big a number is it is always closer to zero than infinity. + ―Wase_Chilson, Nov 2015 +% +After having diarrhoea for a few days it feels awesome to be able to fart with +confidence again. + ―Hairy_Cheeks, Oct 2016 +% +I feel so stupid. It just clicked. "Ray-Bans" ban the sun's rays from your +eyes... 28 years..... + ―doctorwaiter, Sep 2014 +% +There should be a part in an actors imdb page that says most confused with. + ―MrShago, Oct 2014 +% +I wonder if I've ever eaten a crab that was caught on TV. + ―Rhino200, Jul 2014 +% +Reddit turned me into a hipster. People "hey did you see that thing on the +news?" Me "yea I saw it before you on reddit" + ―Denvermax31, Apr 2015 +% +If I put a wool sweater on my dog, I will have created a wolf in sheep's +clothing. + ―DarthRiko, Apr 2016 +% +As a child "the BFG" always meant "the Big Friendly Giant". Then Doom came +along. Ever since it's been "the Big Fucking Gun". + ―Kaankaants, Jul 2016 +% +The phrase "left to our own devices" has taken on a literal meaning in the +21st century. + ―UmamiDearest, Jul 2014 +% +Whoever came up with the term 'Ex-fiancées' really missed the opportunity to +call them 'Near-Mrs' + ―adamkk, May 2015 +% +What if the Big Bang was caused by a previous civilizations experiments with a +Large Hadron Collider and we are destined to repeat it. + ―punchdrunkskunk, Feb 2015 +% +If the Mayans had predicted December 2016 instead of 2012 as the end of the +world, it would look pretty darn convincing at this point. + ―ReachTheSky, Jul 2016 +% +I'm so single that if a random girl approaches and shows interest in me, I +would wonder if it's a social experiment + ―dejavu619, Jul 2016 +% +To be called inconsistent, you have to be consistently inconsistent. Making +you consistent. + ―P_apps, Sep 2014 +% +You're too big to ride the dog by the time you're smart enough to think to +ride the dog. + ―puppieseverywhere, Apr 2014 +% +What if dogs are scared of thunder because they think it's the bark of a more +dominant dog + ―mrweefee, Jul 2016 +% +Being fat is a problem that you can literally run away from. + ―Danielthegreat1, Jan 2015 +% +Young girls wear makeup to look like the older girls who wear makeup to look +younger + ―raidite, Aug 2016 +% +Kevin Spacey gets paid more to pretend to be a politician than real ones get +paid to run the country. + ―Yiazmad, Feb 2014 +% +I'm trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the +day. + ―chillyhellion, Mar 2015 +% +Animated GIFs have revived silent film. + ―RollRoundInTheToilet, Oct 2014 +% +The mods of /r/radiohead should be called "Karma Police" + ―con42scientist, Mar 2014 +% +Reddit is a lot like high school.. I sit at home thinking of clever things to +say so people think I'm cool + ―Dinomight3, Sep 2014 +% +My friend who's a professional psychic doesn't seem to know that I think her +career is bullshit. + ―Air_Hellair, Jul 2015 +% +4chan showed how dumb people can be when they're anonymous, Facebook showed +how dumb people can be when their identity is completely public + ―DylanTBest123, Sep 2015 +% +The "twen" in twenty is just two and ten combined. + ―JTTTdude, Sep 2015 +% +Your age is just the number of laps you've done around a giant fireball in the +center of the solar system. + ―bluetorpedo2, Oct 2015 +% +A group of kids should be called a migraine. + ―Elkithis, Oct 2015 +% +There are no Sour Patch Adults because we eat them all when they're kids. + ―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2016 +% +Being a worm must be awesome. It's like "man, that dirt was great, I wish +there was more." And there always is. + ―cheese1102, Jun 2015 +% +If Money = Power, then Jewels = Joules + ―Mathgeek007, Jul 2015 +% +A buttload of underwear is exactly one pair + ―Chaoticfrenchfry, Aug 2016 +% +The future will look futuristic only because we will be trying to make it look +futuristic. + ―CyanOyster, Aug 2014 +% +Sports are mostly about people trying to stop each other from completing very +simple tasks. + ―notfromkentohio, Jun 2016 +% +If I marry a girl I meet on tinder, there's a good chance that the first time +I saw my wife was when I was taking a dump. + ―jbear0516, Sep 2015 +% +What if Bob Ross was a serial killer, & he painted the landscapes of where +he hid the bodies. + ―Tbkx, Oct 2014 +% +I wonder how many imaginary arguments I've lost in other people's minds. + ―d6t20, May 2015 +% +I wonder if Slash insists on being the top hat every single time he plays +Monopoly... + ―SpookyGeek, Jul 2014 +% +Japan was like the Leeroy Jenkins of WWII + ―forgot_login, Oct 2014 +% +As far as my penis knows I'm getting laid 2-3 times a day. + ―thatswhatyized, Dec 2014 +% +History classes are only going to get longer and harder as time goes on. + ―RealDirtyDan, Sep 2013 +% +We never actually see a Full Moon. It's only ever a half-moon. + ―Gingerninja1324, Aug 2015 +% +Now that I'm older, I have a hard time answering "what do you want for your +birthday?". The things I really want are not capable of being gifted. + ―padawan117, Oct 2015 +% +If someone was reading a book titled, "It's Called A Book," and someone asked +them what they were reading, the response would make them seem like a total +asshole. + ―Holyhell123, Dec 2015 +% +Can orphans watch PG films? + ―IrnBruManiac, Nov 2014 +% +It's ironic that people usually show their driver licenses to buy alcohol. + ―tehfrog729, Jan 2016 +% +Somebody probably has died the same night they didn't send that chain mail to +10 other people. + ―machvelli, Aug 2014 +% +Colored salt would make it a lot easier to tell how much you're putting on +food. + ―bebob10, Oct 2014 +% +Every time Wolverine retracts his claws after a kill, he's pulling bloodborne +pathogens directly into his body. If it weren't for his mutant healing, he'd +have full-blown AIDS by now. + ―kellenbrent, Mar 2015 +% +I used to think setting a passcode was to keep strangers out of your phone, +but really it's to keep your friends out. + ―sammylp250, Dec 2015 +% +When you order food at a restaurant, you always start your order with a +drink. At a fast food joint, you always end your order with a drink. + ―_GIROUXsalem, Jul 2016 +% +If the oldest person on earth is 116 years old, then 117 years ago, there was +a completely different set of human beings on earth. + ―LordofSloths, Jun 2013 +% +"Immaculate conception" means "holy fuck." + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +In video games, you gain XP from success. In real life, you gain XP from +failure. + ―porygon93, Apr 2016 +% +If you made French toast out of a hot dog bun, you could lay a banana inside +and eat it like a breakfast hot dog + ―Lovebot_AI, Aug 2016 +% +Today on 11/11, Europeans and Americans don't confuse each other about what +date it is. + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +Humans have shit all over Jalapeños' defense mechanism by turning their +defense into cuisine. + ―cosarccos, May 2016 +% +I feel like being both a procrastinator and suicidal kinda just works itself +out + ―travis01564, Jul 2016 +% +Isn't "The pen is mightier than the sword." a little out dated. Shouldn't it +be "The byte is quicker than the bullet." + ―xBDJ, Mar 2015 +% +The number of people older than you will never increase, but it is constantly +decreasing. + ―IHaveNoUsernaemIdeas, Jul 2016 +% +If zombies do not attack each other then zombies would be more peaceful +towards each other then what humans are towards other humans so maybe zombies +are not that bad after all... + ―claw_eye, Mar 2016 +% +They say laziness makes you fat, but being too lazy to prepare food has been a +big reason for me being underweight for years. + ―altermode, Jun 2016 +% +The biggest joke of SpongeBob is that he works at a fast-food place and can +afford a house. + ―smatef, Oct 2016 +% +For the new Star Wars film, I want a major character to die from being shot by +a stormtrooper. + ―Sinai, Dec 2014 +% +A baby centaur would have a bottom half that could run almost immediately +after birth and a sloppy top half that's neck couldn't support its own head. + ―cwryan, Jul 2015 +% +smoking out of a bong is one of the few singular activities that involves +water, earth, wind, AND fire + ―fezbeast, Sep 2014 +% +When the inventor of the USB stick dies, they will lower the coffin, then +bring it back up, turn it around, then lower it again. + ―aajw98, Jun 2015 +% +Op can finally get married + ―camdeno100, Jun 2015 +% +If you start screaming on a cruise ship, everyone will think you're +crazy.. But if you start screaming on an airplane, everyone joins in. + ―IHopeICanEditThis, May 2015 +% +A book with 100 pages only has 50 pages. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +Marijuana gets less and less illegal as you smoke it. + ―WhatInSe7enHells, Sep 2015 +% +Ted Mosby of "How I Met Your Mother" has no problem giving intimate details of +his sexual history to his children, yet refuses to admit to them that he used +to smoke weed. + ―PM-me-yur-nice-smile, Jan 2016 +% +The phrase "youth is wasted on the young" should be changed to "wealth is +wasted on the old." + ―squidravioli, Jun 2015 +% +If you push 99 on the microwave, it runs for 99 seconds, but if you push 100, +it only runs for 60. + ―dirac496, Dec 2014 +% +Ice cubes float in a pool of their own blood. + ―ilovecaptcha, Jan 2015 +% +I hope science never figures out how to make dogs talk. If my dog ever learns +to talk, everyone will know my deepest darkest secrets in exchange for a slice +of cheese or something. + ―Ghostorex, Mar 2015 +% +The problem of slow walking people blocking everyone else will never disappear +since the ones causing the problem are the only ones not affected by it + ―boludolof, Apr 2016 +% +We left the decision on the future of the United Kingdom with the same people +who came up with Boaty McBoatface. + ―Dudleyshwam, Jun 2016 +% +Can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that the two most revered +scientists in the world today are a Black man and a quadriplegic man? The +world still has its problems, but that's pretty damn cool. + ―themightyheptagon, Aug 2015 +% +Everyone knowing the joke "Netflix and Chill", is making it extremely +difficult for me to Netflix and chill. + ―IDrewTheDuckBlue, Dec 2015 +% +In an ideal world we would never hear the words "in an ideal world" + ―Stalemate9, Jul 2016 +% +Whenever you sneak or hide in a video game, the computer notices you, tells +the enemy AI and Mobs where you are and then forbids them from interacting +with you. + ―LandmineFrisbee, Mar 2015 +% +In another ten years "My car is manual" will mean it has a steering wheel. + ―BecauseItWasThere, Oct 2015 +% +Keith Urban is a terrible name for a country music singer. + ―execon, Jun 2014 +% +If my driver's license expires, shouldn't it still be valid to use as an ID? +It's not like I all-of-the-sudden stopped being me. + ―chaddgar, Sep 2015 +% +If sleeping is that important then why the fuck does school have to be so +early? + ―esean_keni, Oct 2016 +% +By having sex, you are continuing your family's oldest tradition. + ―NuclearZombiePancake, Apr 2015 +% +Are Medusa's leg hairs tiny snakes? + ―Achooah, Jul 2015 +% +Females are the most advanced 3d printers ever + ―flappy_cows, Jan 2015 +% +Today I turn 23. Since 23 is a prime number, I'm literally in the prime of my +youth. + ―ConstantlyTodash, Jul 2015 +% +I like how the term “as f*ck” is a common unit of measurement. + ―CruiseWeld, Dec 2015 +% +If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my +proximity to ducks determines whether or not I'm littering. + ―gogoALLthegadgets, Aug 2013 +% +If you ever get stranded on an island there should be a certain "SOS" pattern +that you can make that will automatically be detected by a satellite system +that's constantly searching for these patterns. You will eventually be found +if the system is constantly scanning the world. + ―jonalexher, Sep 2015 +% +Tesla/Edison would be an incredible band name for an AC/DC cover band. + ―BoardPanda, Nov 2015 +% +If there are psychics, they're probably not wasting their talent working as +psychics. + ―50missioncap, May 2014 +% +I cannot wait until a dental hygienist needs MY help with a computer. "Now, +you know you haven't been backing up your data as frequently as you should, +right?" + ―Thefiveboxingwizards, Dec 2015 +% +The cost of cell phones has really ruined the hilarity of pushing your friends +into the pool. + ―Jklein6001, May 2016 +% +There exists an area so unfathomably large that humans refer to it simply as +"space" + ―TheGoldenLance, Oct 2014 +% +If you're only defense for an argument is, "I have a right to my opinion," +you're probably wrong. + ―Mewing_Raven, Aug 2016 +% +In 2015, Back to the Future 2 will have to change its genre from a future film +to an alternate history film. + ―[deleted], May 2014 +% +If the zoo tranquilized the gorilla and the little boy was killed, there would +be an uproar about how society values the lives of animals over black kids. + ―NiceBump, Jun 2016 +% +Amazon Prime would be an awesome leader of the Autobots. + ―spiffiness, Jun 2016 +% +There is an "i" in the middle of the word "hurricane" + ―_Andreas_, Apr 2015 +% +Johnny Cash would have been a good name for a rapper. + ―bobbydigital_ftw, Sep 2015 +% +The word “Read” is like schrodinger’s cat. It exists as both words until it is +read by someone. + ―dhrxv, Oct 2016 +% +Everything in the universe is either a banana or not a banana + ―KyreNo, Oct 2016 +% +Wake up earlier on weekends. Now you get to sleep in for 5 days a week instead +of two. + ―jazcat, May 2014 +% +I've seen so many price tags ending in 99 that I feel a little mentally +weirded out when I see a normal, whole number price. + ―CuteLilGirl, Oct 2016 +% +The AIM "away message" was the original facebook status. + ―violentshapes, Nov 2014 +% +After more than 2000 years of technological advances, girls are still wearing +the same sandals used in Ancient Rome + ―bacuna, Aug 2015 +% +When I'm stuck in traffic, I'm not upset about the number of cars and reduced +speed. I'm upset about all the damn idiots that drove so badly to make it so +slow and bunched up. + ―chaddgar, Sep 2016 +% +If Kanye and Kim's child's name is North West, that makes Kim's vagina the +Northwest Passage. + ―avar14, Jun 2013 +% +When you make minimum wage you get yelled at for taking a shit for too +long. When you make 50k a year, you're sent to day long conferences that have +no relevance to you + ―balancespec2, Feb 2015 +% +In HIMYM, all Ted's girlfriend are hot because he's the one telling the story. + ―Wasted_Comment, May 2014 +% +Now that I'm a parent, I wonder how much money my parents pissed away on toys +that I can't remember even having. + ―potentialcontender, Dec 2015 +% +Its hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it is damn near +impossible to win an argument with a stupid person. + ―PanosGreek, Jul 2016 +% +Some badass motherfucker in the past domesticated a fucking wolf. + ―DamienHanrahan, May 2014 +% +Netflix needs a "Wish List" where I can tell it what I want to see, and get +alerted when it's available to stream. + ―SenorMcNuggets, May 2015 +% +If your wife has a friend that annoys you, don't tell your wife to stop being +friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty she is. + ―thehofstetter, Jun 2015 +% +They're called Trojan condoms because they help you come inside safely. + ―4to5sausages, Jun 2014 +% +Lesbian chatrooms are probably filled with men pretending to be lesbians +talking to other men pretending to be lesbians + ―Epicdemic93, Feb 2015 +% +Reckless driving is bad, and wreckless driving is good. + ―dombonnomie, Apr 2015 +% +Someone in the world unknowingly has the world's best Rock, Paper, Scissors +winning percentage + ―pepperoniplease, Oct 2015 +% +Adam Sandler is like Tyler Perry for white people + ―fefebee, Nov 2013 +% +Technically speaking, wouldn't your best friend be your worst enemy? + ―DKXIII, Feb 2014 +% +In real life, we tell people we meet our names and where we are from, and only +share our deepest secrets when we trust each other. On the internet, we tell +people our deepest secrets and only tell each other our real names and where +we are from when we trust each other. + ―icyclaires, Apr 2015 +% +I've had less sex than any of my ancestors, yet I've probably seen more dicks +than all of them combined. + ―uruk-hay, Nov 2015 +% +Will Ferrell should star in an comedy where he and three other comedians are +members of a washed-up Boy Band past their prime. + ―The_UnApologist, Mar 2016 +% +If there's an afterlife I hope I can look up pointless things about me when I +was alive like how many times I ate a certain food, my most used word, how +many miles I've travelled etc. + ―JoeyJ3DY, May 2014 +% +I sometimes wonder how many kilometers I've scrolled on my phone + ―masterdebatorsquad16, May 2015 +% +If men dressing up as women so they can ogle and harass women in the bathroom +really was an actual problem, there'd be a whole genre of porn already +dedicated to it as a fetish. + ―dresdnhope, May 2016 +% +I just realized that "homeowner" has "meow" in the middle of it and now I +can't stop reading it as "ho-meow-ner". + ―noruthwhatsoever, Jun 2016 +% +As a Disney land worker, I wonder how many pictures of me in my costume are in +random people's houses. + ―27will4ndrews27, Aug 2016 +% +What if Peach broke up with Mario, he got depressed and ate a mushroom, and +hallucinated all of the adventures in which he won her back? + ―triskalguilo, Dec 2014 +% +When we land on Mars, we need to choose the metric system or the imperial +system and never introduce the other. Ever. + ―westicles11, Sep 2016 +% +You wake up when you die in a dream because you don't know what happens next + ―jepayne21, May 2013 +% +I wonder if I am closer to my death or my birth right now. + ―ohnowhyme, Jul 2013 +% +My dog is 12 years old. I should probably be saying "good man" rather than +"good boy." + ―BC_Trees, Mar 2016 +% +Today I watched TV on the internet, played a VR game on my phone, smoked weed +ordered online and made a grocery order which arrived at my door in 2 +hours. It truly is the future. + ―Llama-Farmer, Jul 2016 +% +My future wife is probably banging some dude right now. Damn. + ―jessemfguire87, Nov 2014 +% +I wonder how many times the members of Fleetwood Mac had to explain "no, HE is +Lindsey and SHE is Stevie" + ―evilpartiesgetitdone, Mar 2016 +% +The whole toilet seat up-or-down debate between men and women would easily be +solved if people actually used the toilet lid and closed it when they're +done. It would also make bathrooms more hygienic as there wouldn't be a damned +open toilet in the bathroom all the time. + ―Chadwag, Dec 2014 +% +It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other +day of the year. + ―futuristmusic, Feb 2015 +% +A ? is half a lightbulb because when the question is answered it completes the +lightbulb (the idea). + ―Rafikim, May 2015 +% +If i'm wiping off my vacuum cleaner with a towel, that makes me a vacuum +cleaner. + ―FiveWoodWilson, Oct 2015 +% +They should mark the last tissues in a box with red lines like they do with +receipt paper. + ―sharkis, Jun 2014 +% +If God created the sun on the fourth day, how had four days passed? + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +The two worst sentences you can get are life and death + ―[deleted], Mar 2014 +% +Men socialize by insulting each other, but they don’t mean it. Women socialize +by complimenting each other, and they don’t mean it either + ―javiwankenobi, Jul 2015 +% +I've probably gone to the gym more times in pokemon than I have in real life. + ―red_not_ash, Mar 2016 +% +Calling yourself a hacker for executing a DDoS is like calling yourself a lock +picker because you blew up a door with dynamite. + ―MWMstudioz, Oct 2016 +% +Mothers only get a day but sharks get a whole week. + ―jmoney73, May 2014 +% +If the wife on The Truman Show was a paid actor, does that mean the marital +sex technically made her a prostitute? + ―[deleted], Jun 2014 +% +Before people knew what allergies were, whenever someone died from one bee +sting, everyone must have thought they were just a giant pussy. + ―Ask-About-My-Book, May 2016 +% +If everything that's happened in 2016 happened in 2012, we'd all be taking the +whole Mayan apocalypse thing very seriously. + ―krazyyeti555, Aug 2016 +% +My 2 year old pushes me to think more than any adult simply be replying 'why?' +to every answer on any topic. + ―mightybeardlord, Aug 2016 +% +I close Reddit because I'm bored, But then instinctively open it back up +because I'm bored + ―Pure_Sellout, Oct 2016 +% +Pharrell Williams and Will Ferrell have reverse names + ―BurtMacklin23, Feb 2015 +% +I got married so that I could live with a girl who doesn't flirt with me but +gets angry when other girls do. + ―diapersauce, Jan 2016 +% +I only have left two minutes to live, but that clock resets every time I take +a breath. + ―Reign_Wilson, Jan 2016 +% +If someone 50 years ago were told that there would one day only be eight +planets, they would think something incredibly exciting happened. + ―HaughtyLOL, Jul 2014 +% +If spider-man lived in rural area, he would have to drive to get around + ―Joepth6, May 2014 +% +When you say 'Forward' or 'Back', your lips move in those directions. + ―ManofProto, Jan 2014 +% +Blood I've donated in the past could be in someone's boner right now. + ―mention, Jul 2015 +% +It's unacceptable to use drugs to enhance your Olympic performance, but +perfectly acceptable to use autotune to win a Grammy. + ―OMGBEAR, Aug 2016 +% +What if 40 year old men driving fast cars aren't going through a midlife +crisis, but instead can finally afford the car they wanted when they were 20? + ―Prevailence, Aug 2014 +% +Comcast should post a /r/TIFU for throttling Netflix that directly led to them +being reclassified as a utility. + ―jimngo, Feb 2015 +% +Even after midnight, I don't usually consider it to be the next day until I +fall asleep and wake up again. + ―SneakyDino, Jun 2016 +% +Peter Dinklage is a White Dwarf Star + ―enkotei, Apr 2016 +% +Master Splinter is the enemy of the Foot Clan because splinters injure feet. + ―TheTrueFlexKavana, Sep 2014 +% +Turning up the volume is like zooming in, but with sound. + ―goingforth, Jan 2015 +% +Old people don't drive slow. Slow drivers live to be old people. + ―gelatinous_poot, Sep 2015 +% +It should be illegal to show CPR done incorrectly on tv or in movies. + ―red_dragons_lair, Jul 2016 +% +Wrong is spelled wrong in the dictionary. + ―neal_the_seal, Mar 2014 +% +Makeup is allowed in beauty pageants yet steroids aren't allowed in sports + ―LZsteelerz, Jun 2014 +% +The term "leave things better than you found them" should also apply to the +way you leave people. Seeing the garbage man, stopping to get a coffee, +responding to a post on Reddit. So on and so forth. + ―Sleepysam86, Apr 2016 +% +The Human Brain is like a Computer to which we dont have the Admin rights +to. We just have a user Account with Limited access. + ―Elektronator, May 2016 +% +the KKK ruined a perfectly good white wizard costume + ―KadenSnowMD, May 2016 +% +Getting a dollar every six minutes sounds alot better then getting ten dollars +every hour + ―Radlaserlava, Oct 2016 +% +I'm semi confident my dog would welcome any intruder into my house with open +arms. + ―Serialnarcisist, Aug 2016 +% +It's sad that when I see something on the news, I don't believe it right away +because of how manipulative the media is. + ―Dognado, Aug 2016 +% +Preferring Reddit over Facebook means you prefer the interests of strangers to +that of your friends... + ―El_Lasto_Starfighter, Oct 2014 +% +With Kanye announcing his run for Presidency in 2020 and Trump running for +2016, we are literally one step closer to Idiocracy. + ―MacinTez, Aug 2015 +% +Coffee shops are a calm environment that serve coffee, a stimulant, and bars +are an energetic environment that serve alcohol, a depressant. + ―Left2Rest, Jun 2016 +% +We rescue homeless animals and shun homeless people. + ―NewMaterialOnly, May 2014 +% +My right elbow has never been touched by my right hand. + ―nickpiscool, May 2014 +% +Farts are ghosts of your food + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +Beef Jerky is essentially just a cow raisin + ―NonTranquil, Jul 2016 +% +Depression is like when your mind and heart stop loving each other but still +eat at the same dinner table together + ―khansnow225, May 2015 +% +"Every single person that boarded the Titanic died" is a factually correct +statement today. + ―SchrodingersCatPics, Oct 2014 +% +If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes. + ―iAmCurrentlyNaked, May 2015 +% +There are 171 people wealthier than Elon Musk. If they all did as much as he +does, we'd have audacious, world-changing ideas being announced every couple +of days. + ―Astrosomnia, Jan 2015 +% +if we found ants as they exist here on earth, on another planet, we'd consider +them a civilization + ―YornyB, Jan 2016 +% +"My children aren't vaccinated," is a thing the world's most and least +privileged people both say. + ―Falstaph, May 2016 +% +What if the reason why 2016 has been such a crazy year is due to the return of +Lord Voldemort, but as muggles we haven't been able to connect all of the +random events and deaths? + ―Arosenthal2010, Jul 2016 +% +If sex is called "xxx" and sleep is called "zzz", then why don't we call +cuddling "yyy" because cuddling comes between sex and sleep and y comes +between x and z (respectively)? + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +Saying "ohhh fuck" when having sex is like saying "mmmm eat" when eating + ―JuniorGenius, Sep 2016 +% +Facebook is the refrigerator of the internet; you know there's nothing good in +it, but you keep going back to check + ―b00bsRc00L, Dec 2014 +% +If you were a god with low self-esteem, you'd be an atheist, because you don't +believe in yourself. + ―yen223, Sep 2014 +% +If Samsung would have listened to their users and made the Note 7 have a +user-removable battery, they could have saved billions on the recall by just +exchanging the battery + ―Leandover, Sep 2016 +% +I'm still it from a game of tag eight years ago. + ―Dreamcast3, May 2014 +% +In Tropic Thunder, when Robert Downey Jr. is impersonating a Chinese farmer, +he is an American actor playing an Australian actor who is acting as an +American black man impersonating a Chinese farmer. + ―lordzoku, May 2016 +% +The true genius of South Park's gay fish joke is that people will probably be +walking up to Kanye and asking him if he likes fish sticks for the rest of his +life. + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +You'll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace. + ―sum_buddy, Jul 2016 +% +What if Tesla cars aren't self driving, but are secretly remotely controlled +by cheap Indian employees? + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +I think more people are prepared for a Zombie apocalypse or alien invasion +than their own retirement. + ―Fred__Garvin, May 2016 +% +The hydraulic press channel is kind of the opposite of 'how it's made'... + ―billrogerson, Apr 2016 +% +When I was younger I thought cookie jars would be a bigger point of contention +in the house. + ―strongblack01, Sep 2016 +% +If I ever need to win an argument on Reddit but don't have any proof, all I +need to do is link a YouTube video to support my claim, no one actually clicks +on those. + ―mohiben, Jun 2016 +% +I think if I ever got crazy rich, I would hide it from my kids until they're +21 or so. Then once they finish college I'm like "We're actually stupid +rich. I just wanted you to have a normal upbringing." I feel like they would +turn out way more successful. + ―crabcakes38, Jun 2016 +% +Let the Bodies Hit the Floor is a more literal version of It's Raining Men + ―distortedmatt, Apr 2015 +% +I used to have to watch my swearing because i was a kid amongst adults. Now i +have to watch my swearing because I'm an adult amongst kids. + ―improcrastibating, Jun 2015 +% +Instead of people constantly making throwaways, why doesn't Reddit have a +"post comment anonymously" feature? + ―roshandosh, Mar 2014 +% +As a father of a 3 yo, I am probably the first generation that would rather +find my teen child experimenting with marijuana over alcohol or cigarettes. + ―usuallyafakestory, Jun 2015 +% +Reddit should sell reddit aluminum for really bad comments, which shows more +ads. + ―jjason82, Mar 2014 +% +I wonder if our Sun is part of the constellation of an alien civilization. + ―TheAtlanticGuy, Nov 2014 +% +A man will treat a woman like a princess until she starts to act like one. + ―kreebog, May 2015 +% +What if the reason we don't hear people saying "YOLO" anymore is because +they're all dead. + ―Sexymcsexalot, Jan 2016 +% +The best racial slur to use against white people would be Juggalo. I'm white, +and if someone called me that, I'd be pissed. + ―JuliaStClaire, Aug 2014 +% +Checking your phone when someone else checks their phone is the "yawn" of this +generation. + ―emazz, Oct 2014 +% +Thanks to craft beer, my alcoholism has turned into a "neat hobby" + ―Penchegringo, Nov 2015 +% +There is one day every year, where we unknowingly pass the anniversary of the +day the Dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid. + ―dewinstainleigh, Dec 2013 +% +Even a good harmonica player sucks half of the time. + ―TmickyD, Dec 2015 +% +Last night I spent 90 minutes reading negative reviews about a 90 minute +movie. So glad I didn't waste my time with that flop! + ―brady2gronk, Aug 2015 +% +I wonder if when humans go extinct on Earth, will aliens find our DNA and +create a human version of Jurassic Park? + ―_Dreams_In_Digital_, Oct 2015 +% +I could have a child and keep it off the grid if it's a home birthed child, +never get it a birth certificate or fingerprinted and just keep its birth a +secret, homeschool it, and it could be one of the most dangerous +unidentifiable people in the world + ―Your_Tyrant, Feb 2016 +% +People at /r/Atheism spend more time thinking about God during their day than +most theists. + ―azarie, Aug 2014 +% +If Santa can say "Ho" 3 times a second, "Ho-ho-ho", and if you consider the +blinding rate at which he would need to travel around the earth to deliver all +those presents in 24 hours, then all of Santas "Ho"s would be in different +area codes. Ludacris would be proud. + ―-Tom-, Dec 2015 +% +If Nintendo made a Virtual Reality Mario Kart that could quite possibly be the +most insane game ever. + ―El_Tentecal, Apr 2016 +% +I hope fast food workers get their $15/hr wages so the cost of fast food will +double and I will stop eating it. + ―ryanplaya, Nov 2015 +% +Alan Rickman would have played an amazing older Kylo Ren. + ―R_X_R, Jan 2016 +% +Reddit is like the back of the classroom in high school. You can barely hear +the serious conversation the OP tried to start because the top comments are +all in-jokes. + ―thmnwthtvwls, Mar 2015 +% +I can stream Netflix in 1080p HD all day but god forbid I try to load a GIF on +imgur. + ―ruxvtc, May 2016 +% +As a cop with a body camera, I can no longer make things like marijuana +"disappear" and let you go with a warning, seeing as how all video is open to +public records. + ―Tony_Starkwars, Oct 2016 +% +When you eat meat, your body turns dead meat into alive meat. + ―TitanicMan, Sep 2015 +% +I wonder how many times someone I know has seen me in public and just didn't +want to talk to me. + ―ViewAskewed, Oct 2016 +% +If A=1, B=2, C=3, etc., then T+W+O+H+U+N+D+R+E+D+A+N+D+F+I+F+T+Y+N+I+N+E = 259 + ―ValiantSerpant, Jun 2015 +% +Why did Cinderella's shoe fall off if it fit her perfectly?' + ―rwarasaurus, May 2014 +% +With all the horrors and tragedies in the US it's almost like it was built on +an ancient Indian burial ground. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +It's going to be so easy to turn a 5 into a 6 for the first few months of +2016. + ―JDst4r, Dec 2015 +% +Somewhere in the galaxy, your childhood is still currently visible. Your past +self still exists, traveling through space at the speed of light. + ―banyanroot, Mar 2016 +% +If a million of us picked a certain redditor and all donated just $1, we would +have the power to make someone a millionaire + ―moizmie, Nov 2014 +% +"Will Will Smith smith?" and "Will Smith will smith." are complete proper +sentences + ―skullbeats, Feb 2014 +% +When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying +for all the free candy you got when you were a kid. + ―lauralyla, Oct 2014 +% +Trying to convince people that something needs to be done about climate change +feels oddly similar to trying to convince people to help clean up at a party +in progress. + ―wompt, Feb 2016 +% +The phrases "butt dial" and "booty call" are by definition basically the same +words, but mean two totally different things. + ―wipedingold, Mar 2014 +% +A chicken pecked my thigh today and I realized I had no right to be mad after +having bitten in to thousands of chicken thighs + ―witchhempstock, Dec 2015 +% +In the last 20 years, I won over $7300 by not buying a lottery ticket every +day. + ―Nukemarine, May 2014 +% +Why haven't Missy Elliott and Baskin Robbins teamed up for "Get Ur Free Cone" +day yet? + ―caphis, May 2015 +% +In movies nobody ever has the bottom locker. + ―godisfat, Oct 2015 +% +If Batman's main power is to instill fear, he's basically a terrorist. + ―poofbird, Mar 2015 +% +Canada is 50% the letter A + ―wobr-J, Aug 2014 +% +As a pregnant woman, my body contains eight limbs, and therefore this is the +closest I'll ever be to being a spider.... + ―Ohmygod_dude, Jul 2016 +% +Before video games the statement "Fuck I died" was probably never said by +anyone + ―FaisalAlFayez12, Aug 2016 +% +I should buy some weird stuff and hide it in my attic so my grandkids have +cool stuff to post in Reddit in the future. + ―daash, Dec 2015 +% +You don't want a wikipedia article about your plane flight. + ―kars4kidz, Mar 2014 +% +What if sleeping is our natural state and we are only awake to gather +information for our dreams. + ―Moujahideen, Jun 2015 +% +Alcohol is the fountain of youth for the brain. As you drink more, your +judgment gets worse, you lose the ability to drive, and eventually to walk and +talk. Finally, after some involuntary excretions you enter a comatose state +after which you feel like your head's been pushed through a small hole. + ―preposte, Sep 2015 +% +The word "symmetry" should be a palindrome. + ―TheHamgurgler, Jun 2014 +% +If you taught a parrot to only say the word "parrot" then it would be like +owning a Pokémon. + ―CruseControl, Jun 2015 +% +If I were to rename my cat Meow, he would basically be a pokemon who knows +bite and scratch + ―grau0wl, Jun 2016 +% +I always read the tl;dr even though I read the post + ―Sleepy_Man, Oct 2016 +% +It's weird to think that I don't even exist in your life, yet you're reading +what I just typed. + ―mobs_catchem, Apr 2015 +% +Snapchat should add the ability to add a NSFW tag to snaps that should not be +viewed in front of other people. + ―chandabear17, Nov 2015 +% +The U.S. should offer the U.K. statehood, because it would be hilarious. + ―Accidental-Genius, Jun 2016 +% +They should just turn off each candidate's mic when they run over the time +limit....and also taze them. + ―Smashcity, Oct 2016 +% +"Two Bananas" would be an excellent band name for a duo of tuba-playing +grandmothers. + ―domoericato, May 2015 +% +I would have been called crazy 20 years ago if I would have said Dr Dre would +become a billionaire and well-respected rapper while Bill Cosby would become a +rapist. + ―TheSeminerd, Jul 2015 +% +Strangely nearly all superpowers whether mutant, alien, radiaton etc comes +with incredible sewing and costume making skills. + ―Lemonlaksen, Sep 2016 +% +Steve Harvey fucked up reading info from a card, but that's all that +motherfucker does on Family Feud. + ―ChrisTaliaferro, Jan 2016 +% +I probably don't know that you exist. + ―almosteeen58, Oct 2013 +% +Saying "a quick Google search showed me that..." when answering someone's +question is the passive aggressive way of saying "you could've looked this up +yourself". + ―GoldNBones, Aug 2016 +% +Right now there is probably someone writing a book or singing a song that is +amazing, that no one will ever hear about. + ―bacchus213, Dec 2015 +% +A ton of people is literally 12 to 15 people. + ―CornfishPie, Jan 2014 +% +Whenever a well known person dies, someone on Wikipedia has to change every +"is" and "are" to "was" and "were" + ―walc, Dec 2014 +% +Water is just a portal to a universe where you can fly, but you can't breathe. + ―The_Purple_Otter, Feb 2016 +% +It would be hilarious if the zodiac killer came forward because he couldn't +stand the fact that some people think he's Ted Cruz + ―Tycesucks, Mar 2016 +% +Certain women won't date a guy who lives with his mom, but will date a guy who +lives with his wife. + ―KrullTheWarriorKing, Sep 2015 +% +Someone cared about Butthead enough to pay for him to have braces. + ―rrussell415, Jul 2014 +% +Cashcab would be so much better if they picked up drunk contestants trying to +go home. + ―notwithoutmypenis, Jan 2015 +% +YouTube should have a "disable video" function leaving only the audio when +listening to music in order to reduce data usage. + ―LordZibo, May 2015 +% +The Swiss must have been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they +included a wine bottle corkscrew on their army knife. + ―TheFrederalGovt, Sep 2015 +% +Morticians should tie dead people's shoes together so if there is a zombie +apocalypse it would be funny rather than scary. + ―Lakester14, Nov 2015 +% +The body acceptance movement never happened for men because we're fine with +looking like shit. + ―Killhouse, Sep 2015 +% +Reddit makes you love people you've never met. Facebook makes you hate people +you've known your whole life. + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +If two mind readers read each other's mind, who's mind are they reading? + ―tr3laras, Jan 2014 +% +"One man's junk is another man's treasure" would make a good slogan for a gay +porn site. + ―So_What_If_I_Litter, Jun 2014 +% +I would much prefer a new set of teeth when I'm 40 than when I'm 7. + ―Stikx_, Jun 2016 +% +My parents were alive to see the fall of the Soviet Union. I'll be alive to +see the fall of the European Union + ―DoctorWhoAreYouVian, Jun 2016 +% +Every Olympic event should have an 'average Joe' participate in order to +provide context. + ―jayflashgordon, Jul 2016 +% +Reddit is a lot like "Who's Line Is It Anyways?" because quick wit comes in +handy, and also because the points don't matter. + ―ROWDY_RODDY_PEEEPER, Sep 2014 +% +Japan looks like someone turned Adblock off. + ―Escap3Artist, Nov 2015 +% +Fishing would be a lot less popular if fish could scream. + ―ubuntulive, Aug 2016 +% +King Kong was the original Harambe + ―paultheonion, Aug 2016 +% +Girls are more comfortable being naked around each other because they don't +have to worry about getting an accidental erection and making things awkward. + ―birdington1, May 2015 +% +When I see 'wtf' I immediately thinks 'what the fuck' but when I see 'lol' I +think it as 'lol' + ―Muazrozlan, Jun 2016 +% +Pizza is the 'Vitruvian Man' of foods. It is shaped like a circle, is cut into +triangles, and is enclosed within a square. + ―FoxyFoxMulder, Nov 2015 +% +PornHub should create an ad campaign spinoff similar to Snickers. "You're not +you when you're horny" + ―gr8v8m8, Dec 2015 +% +Reddit Is a place where 1% of the users hold 99% of the karma that can't +understand why 1% of people hold most of the wealth. + ―Hadrianunlimited, Feb 2016 +% +Beef jerky is sort of like a cow raisin. + ―Rrileyt, Nov 2014 +% +If one of the toys from Toy Story died, the kids wouldn't know. The other toys +would have to watch them play with corpses. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +If we can't reach Google we assume our internet is down + ―SirNickParks, May 2016 +% +Your age shows how many laps you've done around the Sun while riding Earth + ―Whale_of_Wall_Street, Oct 2014 +% +We waste a lot of water thinking + ―dagormz, Sep 2016 +% +"Aliens don't exist" will be the "The world is flat" of the future. + ―vrairaison, Jul 2014 +% +Benedict Cumberbatch is the only man in history to play Sherlock Holmes who +has a name sillier than "Sherlock Holmes" + ―wrestles_bears, Jan 2015 +% +Condom compagnies should make a starter pack were they would put one of each +size to help people pick the best condom for them. + ―Poohtatoe, Apr 2015 +% +If I had a dollar for every useless trivia I know, I would have no money +because the trivia is no longer useless because it can earn you money. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +If Prince William has had anal sex with Kate Middleton, she is one of the few +who have ever been royally fucked in the ass. + ―loganal, Aug 2013 +% +If I had a bunch of psychics I would start a pizza place instead of a psychic +hotline. + ―RaisedByDog, Apr 2015 +% +One day when google is beaming gigabit bandwidth into our homes, facebook will +be providing free internet to the globe, space X will be colonizing our solar +system, and apple will still be spending millions to make fancier packaging. + ―ToyofGod, Oct 2016 +% +I have never had a female pizza delivery person in my 27 years of life. + ―jtsports27, Feb 2016 +% +Revisiting your old university campus after you've graduated feels awful lot +like going back to an open -world video game after you've already beaten the +main story and completed all side quests. + ―5minUsername, May 2016 +% +In the same vein as TLDR, there should be a NHDW abbreviation meaning "no +headphones, didn't watch," for videos. + ―cleverreference1, Jan 2016 +% +The letter "W" should be called "WE." It's one syllable (versus 3), rhymes +with other letters like "ve" and "ze." And most importantly it's what you get +when you turn "EM" upside down. + ―SibTigerrr, Jan 2015 +% +There should be a version of how it's made where they don't say what's being +made until the end, so you can guess what it is while it's made. + ―MasterENGtrainee, Nov 2015 +% +If math is the universal language, then the imperial measurement system is a +speech impediment. + ―Qwardian, Dec 2015 +% +If Santa keeps a record of the "naughty" kids each "year" and the year doesn't +start till the 1st of January.. then that leaves the 6 days after Christmas +and before New Years undocumented.. calling it "reverse lent". Nothing you do +in that time can be held against you. + ―Snappierwogg, Dec 2015 +% +It seems kind of douchy for medical offices to charge Alzheimer's patients for +missed or forgotten appointments. + ―QuiGonGingerAle, Jul 2016 +% +I'd rather power through the slightly-more-than-i-should-eat end of an ice +cream container than leave a dissapointing amount for future me. + ―Doganay96, Sep 2016 +% +Anne Frank and MLK were both born in the same year but people don't know that +since they associate them with two different time periods... + ―860256, Dec 2014 +% +What if the only reason that aliens haven't landed on earth is that their +government cut funding for their space program? + ―twilighttruth, Mar 2015 +% +If farts smelt nice people would ask you for the recipe eg."what did you eat +to get that smell?" + ―SirSaucySquid, Jun 2014 +% +A saddle is really just a human to horse adapter. + ―Xhakukill, Oct 2015 +% +The first video of a human meeting an alien is going to filmed in portrait, I +just know it. + ―trudeau_for_milkyway, Jul 2016 +% +If you watch sitcoms without the laugh tracks, the characters just give each +other cringed looks and awkward silences for those jokes. + ―ImNotLysdexic, Jul 2016 +% +The fact that there is only a "like" and no "dislike" button on Facebook is +the equivalent of Mark Zuckerberg telling you, "If you can't say anything +nice, don't say anything at all." + ―StickyRiceLover, Sep 2014 +% +I wonder how many miles I've scrolled on my phone + ―needuhLee, Sep 2014 +% +I was dead for 13 billion years before I was born, and that wasn't so bad. + ―greatm31, Mar 2015 +% +TED Talks are like church services for people who believe in science. + ―Bronze_Kneecap, Sep 2015 +% +There's a kid out there who has to go his whole life knowing he's the reason +Harambe died. + ―jrsiv, Oct 2016 +% +In Star Wars, most of the emergencies are dealt with by R2-D2 having sex with +a wall. + ―broken_calipers, Jan 2016 +% +IF УФЦ TЧPЗ IИ FДКЭ CУЯILLIC, IT IS LIКЗ HДVIЙG Д PФLЧДLPHДЬЭTIC CУPHЗЯ THДT +MДCHIИЭS CДЙИФT ЦЙDЗЯSTДИD, ЪЦT БЯДIЙS CДИ + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +EAT becomes FAT is you don't draw a line. + ―boazg, Oct 2014 +% +When people ask you how your day is, they aren't prepared for any response +other than "good" + ―fadadapple, Oct 2016 +% +In all science fiction, humans are the one race whose goal is to get along +with every other race. In non-fiction, humans can't even get along with +themselves. + ―WippitGuud, Jul 2015 +% +Religious people who haven't read their holy book have essentially clicked +"Agree" without reading the terms and conditions. + ―Fancy_Yancey, Oct 2014 +% +If it wasn't for pizza, I would never know I liked pepperoni. + ―Metropolis9999, Jul 2014 +% +Instead of saying "That's what she said" I've adopted a new saying, "That's +how my Grandma died." + ―zoso29, Jan 2015 +% +As a male in my late 20's, it's a bigger relationship step to hold hands with +a girl in public than to be sleeping together + ―logicallyillogical, Jun 2015 +% +If the movie "White Chicks" had instead been about two white men who had to be +disguised as "Black Chicks" it would be considered incredibly racist. + ―NNATHANN, Nov 2014 +% +Car brake lights should get brighter the harder the driver is using the brakes + ―mwright0654, Jul 2014 +% +Thanks to tinder, I've been fingering girls left and right! + ―F9R, Mar 2015 +% +Guys, if a girl hits you with the "I'm pregnant" text on April Fools Day just +reply yeah you looked like you were gaining weight + ―blueshockey_1991, Mar 2015 +% +The show "When Animals Attack" should be called, "When Humans are Stupid and +Wild Animals Act How They are Supposed to" + ―[deleted], Nov 2015 +% +Thank God Mr. Incredible ended up marrying Elastigirl. He probably would have +killed anyone else he tried to have sex with... + ―PyjamaSlam, Feb 2015 +% +People are talking about tragedies the way hipsters talk about bands. "Oh, +you're into that trendy tragedy? Whatever. There's this other tragedy I'm +into, you probably haven't heard of it..." + ―schnebly5, Nov 2015 +% +The Star Wars subreddit should be /r/2d2. + ―Nickthegreat, Mar 2016 +% +What if they found Amelia Earhart's plane while looking for Malaysia Flight +370? + ―rob42164, Mar 2014 +% +The feeling after eating too much and the feeling after masturbating is almost +the same: "I feel moderately disgusting and I have lost all interest in having +anything to do with this again." + ―thatseraphimguy, Oct 2016 +% +"Dog food lid" backwards is "Dildo of God" + ―LightReaper, Sep 2013 +% +I wonder how often rare coincidences, like bumping into an old friend in an +obscure part of the world, very nearly happen - but your tracks don't quite +cross.. You could be one street away and never know + ―chutneypunch, Jan 2014 +% +A speed limit essentially makes it illegal for my car to exist at a certain +location directly in front of my current location, at a certain time in the +future. + ―justtosaythis11, Oct 2014 +% +When committing a crime, you should always bring earbuds with you so when you +are running away it will just look like you are out for a jog. + ―pahockey, Jun 2014 +% +When I say "10 years ago" I still think of the 90s + ―atheismthrowaway0, Nov 2015 +% +Legoland should have an "i promise I'm not a pedophile" day so adults can go +and enjoy the park if they don't have kids. + ―forshitzngigglez, Nov 2014 +% +If you're inbred and a person, you're shamed by society. If your inbred and a +dog they give you ribbons and trophies and your inbred children sell for +thousands + ―FrankBurlyPI, Feb 2016 +% +I always skip Google searches that have the word Ad in front of their +URL. Google is ultimately charging companies for me not to click their +websites. + ―joncology, Oct 2016 +% +I seriously can't remember what I did when I was bored before I found Reddit + ―Hardened_Midget, Apr 2016 +% +You should be able to text 911 if you're in a situation where it's dangerous +to make noise. + ―graaahh, Aug 2013 +% +Do you think Mohammed also appears on grilled cheese sandwiches but nobody +recognizes him? + ―polyethylene_oxide, Jan 2015 +% +I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free +time. + ―zacariahh, May 2015 +% +The difference between a Million and a Billion is almost a Billion. + ―SigmaEpsilonChi, Sep 2015 +% +"Better late than never!" is an amazing anti-speeding slogan + ―True__Roman, Dec 2014 +% +Historically, when a new land is discovered and colonized, people eventually +revolt and win their independence from their country of origin. When we go to +Mars, it is inevitable that people born there will feel no love for Earth and +will start a revolution to claim the planet as their own. + ―31415927, Sep 2016 +% +I would gladly take 98% odds while gambling at a casino but suddenly 98% +doesn't sound too good when it's the effectiveness of your girlfriend's birth +control + ―McGibbletsDojo, Nov 2015 +% +There should be bloopers at the end of horror films to relax the viewer before +sleeping + ―LeDardSauvage, Jun 2016 +% +Al Bundy was considered a loser in the 80s and 90s, even though he owned a +decent house in a good neighborhood, and was able to sustain a family on a +single income working as a shoe salesman on minimum wage. + ―WildAnimus, Aug 2016 +% +Facebook makes you hate everyone you already know. Reddit makes you like +people you'll never meet. + ―Milnah23, Jul 2015 +% +Any drink with calories is an energy drink. + ―ManchesthairUnoited, Nov 2015 +% +u/Poem_for_your_sprog and u/shittywatercolours should combine to make a +childrens book of poems and then watercolours depicting the poems. + ―CaptainDickfingers, Jun 2015 +% +When people are sick they are actually NSFW + ―Nilzone, Nov 2015 +% +Netflix should have a rating system that includes, "I hate this, but I want to +keep watching it." + ―quiche_richards, Mar 2014 +% +"Shoulder blade" is a pretty badass name for a bone. + ―cboston_9, Apr 2016 +% +'Supervision' sounds a lot cooler than it really is + ―PohFahVoh, May 2014 +% +I wish Chris Farley was alive to have done Rob Ford skits for SNL. + ―Wrekt_, Jul 2015 +% +GTA made me a violent person as much as Madden made me an athlete. + ―motownmods, Aug 2016 +% +When thinking about the first time I saw my wife naked when we were in high +school, I'm thinking about a 16 year old. + ―hindu_child, Apr 2014 +% +Someone should market a prank dictionary that looks real but is missing the +word "gullible". + ―eequalsmc2, Oct 2014 +% +Jaden Smith needs to star in a show about a spoiled rich kid from Bel Aire +sent to live with relatives in West Philadelphia. + ―jswerve386, Dec 2014 +% +A woman's breasts are basically lumps of fat, so whenever breasts are blurred +on TV it's technically fat shaming + ―ScrotumOfJesus, Mar 2015 +% +If every person worldwide blinked simultaneously, nobody would notice. + ―SSBroski, Mar 2015 +% +If Microsoft let you play Minesweeper or Solitaire while Windows updated we'd +hate Windows updates a lot less + ―mmmmmmBacon12345, Aug 2016 +% +An urge for masturbating should be called a 'fappetite' + ―Zwanuz, Dec 2013 +% +The only reason I read comments on Reddit is to find someone who has the same +reaction to a post as me but can communicate their thoughts more better. + ―VisionLikeAHawk, Oct 2016 +% +With infinite universes, think of another version of you and say 'hi'. There's +a version of them thinking of you and saying 'hi'. You just communicated +through dimensions using probability. + ―Clarkey7163, Sep 2016 +% +I live in a country where millionaires and the unemployed are likely to have +the same phone. + ―SlyStallonesForearms, Nov 2014 +% +I wonder if Muslim women also get 72 virgins after they martyr +themselves. Seems like that's not as good of a deal. + ―98PercentOdium, Dec 2015 +% +If Monopoly was invented today, you would be able to buy Jail like any other +property. + ―cracked_tail_fin, Jun 2015 +% +My phone should know when I'm about to watch a video I'm not trying to turn +down my ring tone volume. + ―Serialnarcisist, Sep 2016 +% +In high school, girls dating college guys were cool. In college, guys dating +girls in high school are losers. + ―Durden11, Aug 2016 +% +The final test in marriage counseling should be to assemble an Ikea table +together and then play Monopoly on it. + ―Robotic_Pedant, Sep 2016 +% +if the Americans bring down Fifa, we should allow them to call the sport +soccer. + ―flkitten, May 2015 +% +Teach a man with Alzheimer's to fish, and he'll eat for a day. + ―straycanoe, Aug 2014 +% +If I was asked to describe color to a blind person, I would just hand them +bottles of POWERADE and tell them the color they are drinking. + ―triotone, Aug 2016 +% +Growing up I was always told how smart I was. Now that I'm an adult I realize +I'm not really smart at all. + ―_eggfooyoung_, Dec 2015 +% +I wonder if birds on my feeder are friends or if it's like a public bathroom +and no one makes eye contact. + ―Muhon, Jul 2015 +% +It's weird that in grade 12 you have to ask to go the bathroom in school. But +2 months after you graduate you have to choose what you want to do for the +rest of your life + ―fredsalsa, Jan 2016 +% +When I was a kid my parents told me I wouldn't enjoy getting mail. Jokes on +them, I pay my bills online and the only thing I get in the mail are parcels +from Amazon. + ―huge_clock, Sep 2016 +% +A shitload of food is the exact amount of food you eat. + ―Nickompoop, Oct 2014 +% +Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature +on Facebook people that you do know, but deliberately choose not to be friends +with? + ―BookerGinger, Jan 2015 +% +Watching porn and masturbating is like watching the food network and eating +bread. + ―BigVoter, Mar 2015 +% +I'm 32 and it's likely I could still be lured into stranger danger by puppies +and candy. + ―urbanphilosoraptor, Sep 2015 +% +Google is better at finding posts on reddit than the search on reddit itself + ―load231, Apr 2016 +% +It would make more sense if 3 had the value of 4 because the number 3 looks +like half of the number 8 + ―thejamesstage, Apr 2014 +% +Spiderman has arachnid buttholes on his wrists.. + ―PhantomGuise, Oct 2015 +% +You are never finished pooping. At best, you are just between pooping. + ―prettyfly4aRyguy, Jul 2016 +% +The fact that we have a universally recognized hand sign for "fuck you" and +not one for "I'm sorry" should really tell us something. + ―Silvervox325, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if ive done something that has caused a chain reaction that has lead +to someone's death + ―raepsawce, Jun 2014 +% +In Skyrim, Khajiit should have reduced fall damage, since cats always land on +their feet. + ―knellotron, Oct 2014 +% +I wonder if I've ever spent the same dollar twice... + ―asterion_saxifrage, Oct 2015 +% +My brain seems to think that anyone I find attractive is too good for me and +anyone attracted to me must be insane + ―AlcoholAndCartoons, Sep 2016 +% +"?!" makes a sound in my head, but I can't describe what it is... + ―UnexpectedFacts, Jul 2015 +% +Incorrect facts about Amish people spread around the internet are not very +likely to be corrected... + ―SmokeyBacon0221, Feb 2016 +% +I am glad that farts aren't contagious as yawns + ―Footyking, Jul 2016 +% +There are children alive in the U.S. today who have only known a black +president. + ―13104598210, Mar 2014 +% +Ms. Pac-Man should have been named Pac-Ma'am + ―-kunai, Oct 2014 +% +DNA is technically an acid. That means I have the ability to shoot acid out of +my dick. + ―shroomenheimer, Oct 2014 +% +They Should Reboot Frozen With a Black Kid and Have Him Grow Up to be Frozone + ―NikNakPattyWat, Mar 2015 +% +Netflix needs a skip theme song button + ―Mh1781, Jun 2016 +% +Since the invention of auto-correct, the use of the word 'ducking' has +exploded. + ―wotton, Jan 2015 +% +Pizza delivery drivers should also operate like ice cream trucks and carry +around spare pizzas with typical toppings. So when you see one drive through +your neighborhood and you get a craving, you could just buy a hot pizza off +them right then. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +100 years ago, most people rode horses and only the rich had cars. Now +everyone has a car and you have to be rich to own a horse. + ―SLy_McGillicudy, Dec 2015 +% +The Grinch stole Christmas from the Whos. Horton heard a Who. The Grinch is +tiny. + ―grumpyoyster, Dec 2015 +% +People get very offended when you tell them how to raise their child, unless +you wrote a book about it. Then they'll pay you for it. + ―awifal, Jun 2016 +% +I close Reddit when I get bored and then instinctively open Reddit because I'm +bored + ―ooazdog, Sep 2016 +% +The female equivalent of sausage fest should be called a fish market. + ―gbcr, Sep 2014 +% +I wonder how many Oscar heads have been in vaginas. + ―klsi832, Feb 2016 +% +The Olympic Games are the biggest sporting event in the world, yet most of the +sports they play are so niche that everybody forgets they exist until the next +Olympics. + ―arhanv, Aug 2016 +% +No matter how bad you were hurt, you're eventually going to have to trust a +fart again. + ―DonkeyTooth, Jan 2016 +% +If Jesus had been stoned to death, Christians would all wear little rocks +around their necks + ―slowpoke257, Jul 2016 +% +Thanks to gifs, millions today enjoy silent movies like people did a century +ago, not annoyed by the lack of sound. + ―niktemadur, Aug 2016 +% +If people are going to start being fined for smoking in the car with kids, we +should start fining mothers who smoke with kids in their stomach. + ―keptfloatin707, Sep 2015 +% +I wonder how many strangers I've walked by more than once. + ―NumberOnett, Jul 2016 +% +While asleep, our brains are capable of assembling complex narratives set in +fantastical worlds; populating them with beings and structures, all perfectly +animated and rendered... While awake, we're lucky if we can draw a decent +stick figure. + ―aesu, Sep 2015 +% +How the fuck did cake become so fucking special. Birthday cake, Wedding cake, +Graduation cake, Retirement cake... I wanted apple pie but Nnnoooo we have to +serve cake. Eat a Dick cake. + ―PM-MeYour___, Aug 2015 +% +Taken 4 should be set in a tibetan monastery. Liam Neeson has found his +daughter, and his wife, now he must find his inner self. + ―danr995, Jan 2015 +% +For having such a bad rap, Satanists really haven't done nearly as much damage +as Christians and Muslims have. + ―exwasstalking, Aug 2016 +% +Me trying to kill a fly for five minutes is the equivalent of me being chased +down by a killer for ~3 months. + ―Tessellated_Turtle, Dec 2014 +% +One of the most creepy things we can come up with is a strange creature, +standing still some distance away, staring right at us in silence. We do that +to animals every day. + ―Kabitu, Jul 2015 +% +Google is like CTRL+F for the entire internet. + ―evenreptar, Feb 2014 +% +Tomorrow's date (04 Aug 16) is 2^2 / 2^3 / 2^4 + ―i_have_an_account, Aug 2016 +% +Of course our moms don't think we're ugly. Half of our genes came from someone +that she thought was attractive enough to have sex with + ―The_Great_Hambriento, Apr 2015 +% +9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom + ―Ah_You_So_Stupid, Oct 2015 +% +If I teach my parents something, they're learning from their mistake. + ―joacofd, May 2016 +% +I now identify more with the bus driver yelling at kids to sit down than the +kids who think she's crazy. + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +If Whose Line is it Anyway was rebooted as a live show, social media could use +hashtag submissions to make it the best improv show ever + ―Casual_H, Feb 2015 +% +I bet people would look better in their driver's license pictures if they took +the photo at the beginning of the DMV visit rather than the end. + ―uscmissinglink, Jul 2016 +% +Reddit/Imgur could bankrupt Buzzfeed if they changed there terms of use to ban +reposting on Buzzfeed. + ―RealDanger, Jan 2015 +% +I wonder who hearing 'Gold Digger' is more awkward for - Kim Kardashian or +Kanye West. + ―cubs1917, Jun 2015 +% +There should be a Margarita truck that plays mariachi as it drives around the +neighborhood at night. And we would hear it and run out with our money and +wait for it on the curb. I would be so happy. + ―The_Dude18, Jan 2016 +% +Ghost sightings sure fell out of popularity now that everyone has a smartphone +in their pocket + ―Lolawolf, Jul 2016 +% +If there really are infinite universes with infinite possibilities, Batman is +reading a comic book about me. + ―Aardvark_Man, Oct 2014 +% +Humans are originally from Mars, but after using up all its resources and +destroying the atmosphere, scientists launched a vessel containing basic +genetic material to start a new world into space. This vessel was the asteroid +that killed the dinosaurs. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +Hollywood shouldn't remake good movies, they should remake terrible movies and +make them better. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +April Fool's Day is the best day for a company to unveil a potentially +controversial product. If people hate it, they can just claim it was a +joke. If people love it, they can continue working on it. + ―Cevan, Feb 2016 +% +the most likely person to own a katana is the least intimidating person to +weild a katana + ―IForgotMyOldLoggInfo, Aug 2016 +% +Honesty is probobly one of the most highly regarded traits in a person, but if +I was 100% honest 100% of the time I probobly wouldn't have any friends, +family or even a job + ―LukeWiLDz, Aug 2016 +% +Girls always want a taller guy, but consistently complain about being +tall. It's because your mom found a taller guy, and the cycle continues. + ―Footsteps_10, Jul 2016 +% +If we woke up everyday as a different person and knew everything that they +knew, we wouldn't know it happens. + ―4cr1nge, Dec 2013 +% +Peacocks are like rave turkeys. + ―THcB, Jun 2014 +% +If abortion is legal but prostitution is not, then a woman owns her uterus but +the vagina belongs to the state. + ―dickballforeskin, Nov 2014 +% +The Japanese flag could actually be a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan + ―Stealthapple, Sep 2013 +% +A date is like a sex interview. + ―stopsayingnoodles, Jun 2014 +% +When you turn thirty, your fifteen year old mistakes become fifteen year old +mistakes. + ―[deleted], May 2014 +% +Facebook needs an 'agree' and/or 'support' button, so I don't have to 'like' +that you're having a tough struggle with cancer. + ―labracadabradorr, May 2015 +% +Whenever I need to spell 'beautiful' I always think back to Bruce Almighty. + ―Flat_Man, Jan 2016 +% +At 11:11:11 on 11/11/1111 no one had a clock accurate enough to care + ―Twiggled, Jan 2016 +% +There are only two possibilities, as far as I see it: Either Google will +someday cease to exist, like every other company in history, or it will +transform into something which will be impossible to shut down. + ―pennypun, Oct 2016 +% +"Blue-Eyes White Dragon" sounds like a Nazi mascot + ―Feezec, Aug 2015 +% +When I die, I don't want my life to flash before my eyes, I want a +CinemaSins-style video complete with Jeremy narrating. + ―Jalarast, Sep 2015 +% +There should be a clock repair company with the motto "If it doesn't tick, +tock to us" + ―supermav27, Jan 2014 +% +If we ever colonize another planet how will we determine age? + ―Jtcor, Mar 2014 +% +YouTube Red takes something I don't want and asks me to pay for it, but +RedTube takes something I'd pay for and gives it to me for free. + ―lajb85, Jul 2016 +% +If women average 20,000 words a day, and men only 7,000, even if I only listen +to half of what my wife says, I still listen to her more than she could ever +possibly listen to me. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +When I started watching Breaking Bad I only saw Bryan Cranston as Hal from +Malcom in the Middle, now I'm watching Malcom in the Middle and only see Bryan +Cranston as Walter White + ―catmanducmu, Apr 2016 +% +Behind every pornstar is at least ten people from their high school that +"Totally fucking called it." + ―garymotherfuckin_oak, Apr 2015 +% +If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum....is that prostitution or +illegal gambling? + ―MRCTM2015, Sep 2015 +% +The bigger the tattoo of a cross, the less the person acts like a Christian. + ―SavePeanut, Oct 2016 +% +They should just start using liquid soap in jails. + ―ciberaj, Sep 2015 +% +100,000 condoms for Olympic Village? That's the BEST TIME to further the +species. + ―ate2fiver, Aug 2016 +% +About 150 years ago a car would be considered a luxury item and a horse a +necessity, now a horse is a luxury item and a car is necessity. + ―memejpg, Nov 2015 +% +Most people don't take offense when you say "the average person is an idiot" +because most people think they are above average + ―sonofdarth, Jul 2016 +% +The difference between "woman" and "women" is spelled in the second syllable +but pronounced in the first syllable. + ―thehawkflies, Oct 2015 +% +I just realized today’s date 2016.10.2 is a palindrome, which is the same when +you read it forward and backward. + ―Squaremino1, Oct 2016 +% +Fake living rooms at IKEA should also have a couple in them trying to assemble +IKEA furniture and fighting. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +I prefer nightmares. I wake up from bad dreams relieved, because I know +they're not real; I wake up from good dreams disappointed, because I know +they're not real. + ―RedBeardedWhiskey, Nov 2015 +% +The Little Mermaid is a cute story but if I were a merperson and I suddenly +became a real person I'd be much more intrigued by my newfound genitals than +my newfound legs. + ―Sykotik, May 2014 +% +To sleep, you have to pretend to be asleep until you actually are + ―Luz53, Dec 2015 +% +I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat + ―whatsaphoto, Jun 2016 +% +Once time travel is invented it will have always existed. + ―narwilliam, Mar 2015 +% +I live in Colorado, I bought pot on my credit card. Wells Fargo fronted me an +eighth. Thank you Wells Fargo. + ―tracyav54, Jul 2015 +% +It's strange how the the brain doesn't register a second 'the' when written +next to another 'the'. + ―KyleD1997, Feb 2015 +% +My dog understand several human words. I don't understand any dog barks. She +may be smarter than me. + ―autopornbot, Aug 2015 +% +When you unmatch someone on Tinder it asks why. One option should be "I was +drunk last night but now I'm sober." + ―salb3039, Oct 2015 +% +the world's most famous carpenter died nailed to a board + ―ComboverEagle, Sep 2016 +% +The news is basically just someone saying good evening, and then giving you a +list of reasons it's not. + ―Helpimstuckinreddit, May 2015 +% +For thousands of years literacy was exclusive to the elites of the world and +historians always pondered what life for the common man was like. Today, +thanks to social media, we can safely assume they had nothing all that +important to say. + ―BridgetheDivide, Aug 2016 +% +I wish my life was exciting enough to warrant buying a Go-Pro. + ―nostalgianewbie, Oct 2016 +% +I wonder how many times I've walked past or come into contact with a murderer. + ―KnibbHighFB, Apr 2014 +% +If my dream girl exists, I'll never meet her because she prefers to chill at +home + ―pupuwalker, Feb 2016 +% +When somebody's IQ drops below a certain threshold, it no longer becomes +acceptable to mock or criticize their intelligence. + ―fullpaytax, May 2016 +% +Children swear all the time. Adults swear all the time. However, mix these two +groups, and suddenly everyone pretends swearing is awful and they would never +ever do such thing. + ―Itanagon, Oct 2016 +% +A penis is like a progress bar for arousal. + ―Calypse11, May 2014 +% +Our preference for large breasts and muscular men is exactly what would happen +if aliens were breeding us for milk and meat. + ―barneylow, Apr 2016 +% +Facebook buying reddit would make a great April fools joke. + ―alexmilde, Mar 2014 +% +The humans in Star Trek have ancestors who once watched and loved Star Wars. + ―phasers_to_stun, Jan 2016 +% +High school teachers tell us not to plagiarize, but they get all of their +assignments from the internet + ―Mathew425, Sep 2016 +% +If the team in Air Bud lost, the coach would have looked like an idiot for +putting in a Golden Retriever. + ―RLangdon9, Nov 2014 +% +Its weird how it's socially acceptable to put someone else's genitals in your +mouth, but eating a Dorito off the floor after a few seconds is gross. What a +fucking double standard. + ―emilNYC, Oct 2014 +% +If Ocean's Eleven taught me anything, it is that the MGM Grand is going to get +robbed after the fight tonight. + ―f3rsure, May 2015 +% +Do you think Santa regrets giving all those naughty kids coal now that global +warming is threatening his home? + ―mickyninaj, Dec 2015 +% +75 is 25% shorter than 100, unless it is a time you type into the microwave, +in which case it is 25% longer + ―AdamsDJ, Nov 2015 +% +Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "You're Awesome" or +"Looking Good", and call them "Complimentos"... + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +A 6 year old isn't brilliant because he can use a smartphone. It's the +engineers who are smart by designing it in a way a 6 year old can use. + ―siddharthsai, Aug 2016 +% +If September 11th would have happened on July 11th, it would have been +completely devastating to the 7-Eleven company. + ―fhylelove, Nov 2014 +% +Saying someone can't be sad because someone else has it worse is like saying +someone can't be happy because someone else has it better. + ―Backs_People_Up, Jul 2015 +% +They should grow super big cucumbers so we can have pickle slices that cover +our entire hamburgers. + ―cffff, May 2014 +% +At some point before Andy went off to college, Woody, Buzz, and the gang must +have seen him savagely masturbate + ―cortez9001, Nov 2014 +% +What if Mars has water on it because we used to live there and fucked up the +climate so badly that we had to send an escape pod to earth with only Adam and +Eve in it? + ―Debazzle, Sep 2015 +% +The entire point of a bayonet is to bring a knife to a gunfight + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +'Fe' is the elemental symbol for iron. Tina Fey's last name is 'irony'. + ―gabe100000, Oct 2014 +% +Making Toy Story 4 is like having a going away party. You say bye to every +one, leave the house/building and end up forgetting your car keys thus going +back inside to get them + ―enragedjester, Aug 2015 +% +June is like Friday, July is like Saturday, and August is like Sunday + ―thebageljew, Jun 2014 +% +Isn't the roof of my mouth really the ceiling because it's on the inside? + ―SouthParkDid_it, Mar 2015 +% +There should be a 'post as anonymous' option so people don't need to keep +making throwaways + ―ImThatMan0nTheMoon, Aug 2016 +% +I have no idea what I've forgotten + ―philly_jay, Jun 2013 +% +Grey's Anatomy should end with the death of Meredith Grey after which she +donates her body for medical studies and the series finale should have the +final scene where a professor lifts up the veil of a new cadaver, looks at +them and then the camera as he says, "This is Grey's Anatomy". + ―do_usernames_matter, Apr 2015 +% +Pokeman Go is the greatest thing to happen to America's knowledge of the +metric system since drugs. + ―Skwerilleee, Jul 2016 +% +What if everytime you cracked your knuckles your fingers glowed like glow +sticks. + ―LurkingInthaShadows, Jul 2015 +% +If your pet sits on you as a pet owner, you will remain in whatever +uncomfortable position you're in to not disturb your pet out of love because +we presume they're comfortable, but what if they're just as uncomfortable but +also not moving because of how much they love us? + ―PsychoPhreak, Feb 2016 +% +I'm pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to +find out that helicopters exist and I can't fly one. + ―CaliberHB, Jun 2015 +% +There should be a movie about a hot college girl in love with a typical +nerd. But the nerd is not in love with her. + ―HitlerJackedMyStyle, May 2014 +% +My dog must think I'm an idiot for having all that urine but only ever marking +the one thing in the house. + ―Shall-Not-Pass, Jun 2016 +% +The only difference between intuition and paranoia is whether you're right or +wrong + ―Gbaby123123, Mar 2015 +% +My wife's gynecologist steps out to give her privacy and change into the gown, +and then proceed to look at her vagina. + ―whosinthetrunk, Jun 2015 +% +They was a moment when your mother put you down and never picked you up ever +again. She would (most likely) never have realised that moment. + ―walkonthebeach, May 2014 +% +In 40 years we will think of words like "swag" "cray" and "totes" like we do +now with "golly" "darn tootin" and "gee whiz." + ―batmanforhire, Apr 2015 +% +Are all the guys in a boy band singing about/to the same girl? If so, that's a +little creepy and weird + ―voltronforlife, Jun 2015 +% +Marriage is the same as saying "I bet you half my stuff we stay together +forever.". + ―Old2blue, Aug 2015 +% +Women sound like murderers when they comment on each other's photos "I WANT TO +BE YOU", "I WANT YOUR SKIN", "I WANT YOUR HAIR" + ―WutUtalkingBoutWill, Oct 2015 +% +Every movie based on a true story is part of a shared cinematic universe. + ―Enceladeans, Mar 2016 +% +If you grab any rock and split it in half, the inside you now have revealed +has probably not seen daylight in millions if not billions of years. + ―neutrns13, Aug 2016 +% +I always scratch under my dogs collar in case he has an itch there that he +can't get. + ―Mr_Funnybones, Aug 2016 +% +Atheist say "Oh my God!" because they find the situation unbelievable. + ―milkymaniac, Aug 2015 +% +The symbol "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor. + ―RaeOfSunshine92, Sep 2016 +% +Netflix needs an incognito mode so that I can watch terrible films without +getting recommended more terrible films + ―bestjokeev, Oct 2016 +% +Are Medusa's leg hairs tiny snakes? + ―superpie5, Nov 2015 +% +"Arms" is another word for guns, and "guns" is another word for arms. + ―lemonsmcbob, Mar 2014 +% +There should be a subreddit called ELI65, for computer questions. + ―ptk77, Aug 2015 +% +Taking a break with your SO is the real life equivalent of "try turning it +off, and switching it on again," + ―Attillathewat, Jan 2016 +% +Ceiling fans are really just helicopters who gave up on their dreams and opted +for an office job... + ―wowdavers, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder if I've ever unknowingly shook hands with a murderer. + ―NotSteveBuschemi, Jul 2014 +% +Masturbating while watching porn is like nibbling on crackers while watching +people at an all you can eat buffet. + ―FastidiousSlacker, Aug 2014 +% +The "juice" in Starburst is just your flavored spit. + ―creynolds31, Jun 2015 +% +Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of +space vampires. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is reading this exactly the same +time you are and coming to the exact same realization that someone else is +doing so. + ―FayBooLess, Sep 2015 +% +Buzzfeed employees have the perfect job: they get paid to browse Reddit all +day + ―theChapinator, Oct 2015 +% +"Sat" is the past tense of "Sit" which means "Fat" should be the past tense of +"Fit" + ―Saikou0taku, Sep 2014 +% +Do we call Macaroni and Cheese "Mac" because it is an abbreviation or because +it is an acronym? + ―TicklishPotato, Mar 2016 +% +Aliens invaded the moon on July 20th, 1969. + ―pollenatedweasel, Feb 2014 +% +I never look at someone's username on Reddit unless someone comments "Username +checks out" + ―JustSomeSchoolFags, Oct 2016 +% +I'm so old, my handheld games were filled with water :-/ + ―danny_the_car_wiper, Sep 2015 +% +Your age is just the number of laps you've done around a giant fireball in the +centre of the solar system. + ―Sapes, Jul 2013 +% +If you say "God is great" in English nobody will bat an eye, but as soon as +you say it in Arabic everybody loses their shit. + ―The-Lying-Tree, Jan 2016 +% +Skittles is probably having a marketing heyday right now + ―BreakEveryChain, Jun 2015 +% +Hitler probably turned out to be so aggressive because throughout his life +time travelers kept turning up trying to kill him + ―SpacedJ, May 2014 +% +At first, the Lochte story confirmed my negative stereotype of Brazil, but in +truth it confirmed negative stereotypes of Americans + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +Next time you're feeling down about something, just think about the kid who +got benched so Air Bud could play. + ―sour_vv, Dec 2014 +% +You know you're an adult when, instead of being excited you have more money in +your account than you should, you get confused and scared. + ―xsp4rrow, Jan 2016 +% +"Squawks" said backwards still sounds the same even though it's not a +palindrome + ―[deleted], May 2013 +% +If people on a planet 65 million light years away look at earth, they see +dinosaurs. + ―Rowhardorrowhome, Nov 2013 +% +As a kid I thought summer was by far the best season. As an adult it is by far +the worst. + ―StillPlaysFlappyBird, Aug 2016 +% +The reason kids are more creative is their brains have less experiences to +compare to, so it has to guess to understand things. + ―skeddles, Feb 2014 +% +Someone should make a medieval horse racing game called "Need for Steed" + ―ECURLE, Nov 2013 +% +the correct response for any 'Explain like I'm Five' post that involves sex or +reproduction should be "We'll talk about this when you're older" + ―[deleted], Feb 2014 +% +If Jeb wins the GOP nomination and makes Cheney his side man, their slogan can +be "same dick, new bush" + ―jayzdubz, Sep 2015 +% +If I ever start going blind, I'm not going to tell the government. I'll feel +more badass being illegally blind. + ―Slimjawb, May 2014 +% +Why are there 2 A's in Aaron? Why not 6? What's stopping us? + ―sdendis, Mar 2015 +% +When you catch a leaf falling from a tree, you're holding something that has +never touched the ground. + ―JayPlay69, Oct 2016 +% +I can hold my breath for the rest of my life + ―[deleted], Apr 2014 +% +"Breakfast" in Spanish is "Desayuno." Ayuno means "fast." Desayuno means you +undo your fast. Breakfast. Break the fast. Breakfast. I haven't had waffles in +like five years. + ―fiffers, Mar 2015 +% +If Snapchat existed when I was a kid, it would be a fax machine hooked up to a +shredder. + ―Jay_Eye_MBOTH_WHY, Sep 2015 +% +Pewdiepie is the highest paid and most popular babysitter in the world. + ―TheEpicEpileptic, Jun 2016 +% +When black & white photographs were invented, they must had looked pretty +weird because people had never seen the world in black & white before + ―WanOrigami, Nov 2015 +% +Masturbating in the bathroom at work is the perfect crime. In order for them +to punish you,they'd have to admit to spying on you in the bathroom, which is +illegal. + ―EauEwe, Feb 2015 +% +There's no way that EVERYBODY was Kung Fu fighting. + ―Molloy861, May 2015 +% +If you have your mom saved in your phone as "mom", you can pull her up on the +dialpad by pressing "666" + ―Marvster, Nov 2015 +% +i think the biggest communication problem is we do not listen to +understand. we listen to reply. + ―Maimad1987, Sep 2016 +% +Saying "Amen" is like the holy way of saying "true that" + ―Freddy_dakilla, Feb 2015 +% +Everything I cook literally turns out to be shit. + ―turnoid, Jan 2014 +% +Right now in California you can tell how much of an asshole someone is by the +color of their lawn. + ―thefenceturtle, Sep 2015 +% +Instead of using "1st Grade", we should call it "Level 1" when referring to +school so it sounds cooler to kids. + ―JR_GameR, Mar 2015 +% +Being an adult is realizing that $5,000 is a lot of money to owe and very +little money to own. + ―Teal2289, Mar 2015 +% +Porn is the perfect place for a pop-up scare to take place. + ―150crawfish, May 2015 +% +The fact that chimps share 99% of their DNA with us is really impressive until +you realize that string beans share 50% of it. + ―BucktheWonderSlave, Feb 2016 +% +I am just a penis. The rest of me is just there to make sure my penis survives +long enough to make more penises. + ―__Corvus__, Jul 2016 +% +Adblock should buy out signs around time square and replace them with ‘This ad +has been blocked by Adblock’ + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +Jersey must be a real shithole, if New Jersey was supposed to be an +improvement. + ―edfitz83, Dec 2015 +% +More people have been President of the United States than who have sucked my +dick. Sucking my dick is a more exclusive club. + ―[deleted], Jul 2015 +% +I really feel that if Subway had any balls, they would start using the hashtag +#blackolivesmatter. + ―harleyeaston, Jul 2016 +% +I wonder if the writers of The Simpsons have ever had to scrap what they +thought was an original idea because the show had already done it. + ―dontgive1011, Jan 2015 +% +Every bullet that has been fired has missed me. + ―Damagon, Jul 2016 +% +Cartoons with no dialogue like Tom and Jerry require no cultural or language +translation for children anywhere in the world + ―skippyjason, Sep 2016 +% +Spongebob and Squidward have shifts at the Krusty Krab, so other people work +there too. + ―shaunthegreat, Jun 2014 +% +If the Nazis used government funds to install those "break glass in case of +emergency" axes in their buildings, then that means they were using easy +access axes Axis taxes. + ―Sir_Kegglesworth, Feb 2014 +% +The recent headline, 'TLC axes 19 Kids and Counting', is horrifying if you've +never heard of that show before. + ―CrankyOptimist, Jul 2015 +% +A pet rock is a great pet until you realize its is essentially immortal and +you have damned it to an eternity of watching its loved ones die. + ―hartattk, Jan 2016 +% +Chanting "ONE MORE SONG" at the end of a band's set is nice. Doing it in the +middle of their set is mean. + ―fugaziozbourne, Jun 2016 +% +If you die during an orgasm, you're coming and going at the same time. + ―Joelovesfood, Mar 2015 +% +I've never seen They Might be Giants in concert. For all I know, they might +actually be giants. + ―phish_tacos, Mar 2016 +% +It's amazing how much authority a parking cone has. + ―I_Am_Pencilvester, Aug 2016 +% +Humans are a really good example of how dangerous an invasive species is for +the local environment + ―Crushgaunt, Sep 2016 +% +Some or all of the money collected from wishing wells or fountains should be +donated to the Make A Wish Foundation, that way the coins tossed really did +make a wish come true. + ―lionsfandom, Sep 2016 +% +Is my dick an identical copy of my dad's dick? Or is it a combination of my +dad's and my mom's, if she had one? + ―donatorbonator, May 2015 +% +If every person on earth was required to spend one work day a year naked we +would all workout more. + ―PDSnowden, Dec 2015 +% +The most unrealistic thing about the movie Taken was that two millennial +teenage girls were trying to follow a U2 tour. + ―skyant, May 2015 +% +In 1990, if you owned a car from 1970, it would be a classic, and be +considered cool. In 2015, if you own a car from 1995, there is nothing cool +about that. + ―roman715, Jun 2015 +% +Porn is the only genre of video where it's acceptable to put a spoiler in the +title. + ―Bolderthegreat, Jul 2015 +% +If Voldemort really wanted to kill Harry Potter on the night that the spell +didn't work, he could've just picked him up and thrown him out a window given +that Harry was a little baby + ―mrnovember17, Dec 2015 +% +If all the original members of a band were replaced, most people would argue +that it's not the same band. But a sports team replaces all of its members +after a certain number of years, and it's still the same team. + ―[deleted], Jul 2014 +% +Fix a man's computer, and he'll come back to you for a lifetime. Teach a man +how to fix his computer, and he'll remember it for a day. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +If I was studying to learn English, and I saw the word "Eighth" I think I'd +just throw the book down and give up + ―braunheiser, Mar 2015 +% +When people say "I'm 99% sure", they are probably have more certainty than +someone who says "I'm 100% sure". + ―RiasGremorySenpai, Oct 2015 +% +The middle aged equivalent to the 'walk of shame' is having to leave a public +place because your child is throwing a fit. + ―brawler839, Aug 2015 +% +The Harry Potter universe has such a wide variety of magical creatures but the +house sygils are based on normal-ass animals + ―Joeybadbutt, Sep 2016 +% +Manslaughter sounds way worse than murder + ―Htuesday, May 2016 +% +Wouldn't cigarette companies benefit from finding a cure for cancer? + ―joepostman, Jun 2016 +% +I care a lot about what my computer background is, but rarely ever look at it + ―AceStudios10, Jul 2016 +% +When a webpage asks me if I'm sure I want to leave, it only makes me more sure +that I definitely want to leave. + ―My_New_Philosophy, Sep 2016 +% +When I was 13-17 they charged me for an adult ticket at the movies but I +couldn't watch an R rated film. + ―godsafraud, Nov 2015 +% +I remember my math teacher telling me i wouldn't be able to carry a calculator +with me all the time. + ―kyle7575, Oct 2014 +% +When you change the w's in "where, what, and when" to t's you get the answers: +"there, that, and then". + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +"d" is just "a" with a boner. + ―TemperTemperr, Aug 2015 +% +Erect has a hard c, while flaccid has a soft c. + ―mikesok988, Mar 2016 +% +If you're reading a book in public you're sophisticated, if you're reading the +newspaper it's still socially acceptable, but if you're reading an article on +your phone you're just another person glued to your phone. + ―gcool7, Aug 2016 +% +As a middle-aged white guy, if I ever lost my dog by an elementary school I'd +have to consider it gone forever. + ―a_rabid_squirrel, May 2016 +% +When people say 10 years ago I still think of the 90's + ―pumpkin_seeds_, Mar 2015 +% +"I'd better save first" is often the gamer's version of "hold my beer". + ―Coryan, Jul 2016 +% +On new years in 2020, instead of wearing those novelty glasses in the shape of +the year, people should wear no glasses. + ―Titonco, Aug 2014 +% +Antivirus programs should be put into a 'Hunger Games' style combat, all +installed on one PC and all told each other is a virus. The winner is the one +still working. + ―twingivings, Dec 2015 +% +Religious people that haven't read their Holy books are basically clicking +"Agree" without reading the Terms and Conditions + ―Batman4815, Sep 2016 +% +In 40 years, there will be a teenage girl lying on her bed wearing vintage Ugg +Boots, Listening to Katy perry or Justin Bieber saying she was born in the +wrong generation. + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +People who say "Family First" or "Family Is Everything" almost always have the +most fucked up family dynamics. + ―Got_That_Suga, Mar 2016 +% +r/canada should be given an exception and have been named o/canada + ―bootselectric, Sep 2016 +% +If I was 5 years old, I wouldnt understand 99% of the explanations offered in +ELI5. + ―ExProxy, Feb 2015 +% +2015 is a delightfully palindromic binary number 11111011111 + ―manmadegod-, Feb 2015 +% +I never understood how people could kill their loved ones over money or +property until I played Monopoly. + ―StatVortex, Aug 2016 +% +Reading a book is interpretting ink stains on shreds of a dead tree and +hallucinating about it. + ―3lihu, Jun 2015 +% +'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' would be the worst hangman +phrase ever. + ―breadstickez, Mar 2015 +% +Taylor Swift doesn't think Spotify pays enough, so none of her music is on the +service. As a result, I download it illegally for free and listen to it on the +Spotify app. I'm still listening to it on Spotify and she is making nothing + ―ICED_TEA_PIONEER, Nov 2015 +% +I like Reddit because I feel like I'm having conversations with minds and +thoughts, not profile pictures and "look what I'm doing." Thanks for being +you, Reddit. + ―new_word, Apr 2015 +% +Nothing is on fire, fire is on things + ―saltytears24, Jun 2016 +% +I miss the days when bottle caps told you explicitly if you were a winner or +not. + ―HOT_BLACK_CLAM, Sep 2015 +% +If you forget to add the second " to a quote, you're citing for the rest of +your life. + ―No_Backup, Aug 2016 +% +It's not possible for Wolverine to get circumcised + ―WithOrWithoutJews, Jul 2014 +% +Hearing my voice on a recording makes me want to apologize to everyone I've +ever spoken to + ―Mus_tee, Mar 2016 +% +50% of Canada is the letter 'A' + ―16th, Dec 2013 +% +When I picture the Middle Ages in my head, I also imagine people casting +spells and fighting dragons, even though I know none of that ever happened in +real life. + ―EvolusTheEspeon, Oct 2016 +% +Why does Sally sell seashells down by the seashore? That seems like the place +demand would be lowest and supply the highest. Economics 101 Sally. + ―Phister_BeHole, Jan 2015 +% +I bet giraffes never have to smell their own farts + ―Blaze_108, Feb 2015 +% +Just realised "fortnight" is short for fourteen nights + ―yorkiecd, Nov 2015 +% +Maybe the reason Garfield hates Mondays, is because that's when Jon goes back +to work. + ―trampabroad, May 2016 +% +If I break a bottle of wine at the supermarket, and I'm underage, they can't +legally make me pay for it... + ―ASmallCrane, Nov 2014 +% +Some guy named frank must have been very straight forward. + ―[deleted], Jan 2014 +% +Car companies should periodically produce replicas of iconic cars with EXACTLY +the same exterior design specifications but modern internal engineering and +instruments. + ―Mwpetes, Oct 2016 +% +Dying of old age is basically saying death by survival. + ―stupidcasey, Oct 2016 +% +A billionaire could give me %.01 of his wealth and change my life while he is +virtually unaffected. + ―Loaatao, Jan 2014 +% +The last two digits of your parent's birth year is the age you will be when +they are as old as your birth year's last two digits. + ―BellcampM, Dec 2014 +% +Of 7 billion, I am my dog's favorite person on the planet. + ―ghrew, Sep 2015 +% +Now that "hoverboard" is taken, real hoverboards should be called McFlys. + ―infez, Mar 2016 +% +My chemistry textbook is just atoms trying to explain atoms to me. + ―quikslvr223, Apr 2016 +% +Old people complain about young people being too loud, but when you ask them a +question they say they can't hear you. + ―brookshanes, Apr 2016 +% +Norton AntiVirus is more annoying than actually having a virus + ―Queef5, Jun 2014 +% +Disney has really given millions of young girls an unrealistic picture of how +men should be. + ―Ah_You_So_Stupid, Dec 2014 +% +I've never payed a penny to Reddit in my three years of using it. Reddit +doesn't owe me anything and they can do whatever the fuck they want. + ―iamsam29, Jul 2015 +% +With RDJ and Benedict Cumberbatch in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there +should be a scene where someone says "No shit sherlock" and both RDJ and +Cumberbatch look around confused + ―16jbuda, Aug 2015 +% +Using baby wipes to clean up after sex is very literal + ―alexmat, Jul 2016 +% +If 9/11 had happened in July, Seven-Eleven would have been screwed. + ―kritinka, May 2016 +% +Subways are like the world's shittiest roller coasters. + ―Flstandantilus, Sep 2016 +% +Netflix asking "Are you still watching___" is like a bar tender saying you've +had a little to much to drink. + ―thedfrichtel, Jul 2014 +% +Should dumping your partner by text be called exting? + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +Ariana Grande sounds like a Taco Bell combo meal. + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +A vacuum is one of the only items where "collecting dust" means you actually +use it. + ―JiminyWillikerz, Apr 2016 +% +When someone says "I'm not book smart, I'm street smart", all I'm hearing is +you're not smart. + ―WIPackerGuy, Oct 2016 +% +The difference between being a drop in the ocean and a unique snowflake is how +cool you are. + ―CLBUK, Jun 2014 +% +If you were to walk around the earth, your head would travel a significant +distance farther than your feet. + ―lemonsandpickles, Jul 2015 +% +If having sex on an airplane puts you in the mile high club, does having sex +on a subway put you in the six foot under club? + ―therealjamiev, Jul 2014 +% +When saying the phrase "Ctrl + Alt + Del", people never use the full version +of Alt. + ―Crowdfunder101, Sep 2015 +% +I piss and moan about spending $0.99 on an app for the rest of my phone's +life, but don't think twice about adding guac for $1.95 on one burrito. + ―Laudaaa, Oct 2016 +% +When my kitten playfully tries to bite my wrist he's probably instinctively +going for my hands "neck". + ―Onzi, May 2014 +% +I wonder how many times locking your door has actually been neccesary + ―CaptainPissLegs, Mar 2016 +% +If Voldemort really wanted to kill harry potter the night the spell didn’t +work on him he could’ve just picked him up and thrown him out a window given +the fact that he was a one year old infant. + ―missinganthropy, Dec 2013 +% +Whenever you dig up dirt or a rock, that could be the first time it has seen +the sun in millions of years. + ―sjblake83, Feb 2014 +% +Reverse anger management should be a thing. Some people need to learn how to +stop giving a fuck and get angry once in a while. + ―yousuckbananas, Oct 2014 +% +Technically, it's impossible to skip breakfast. The first time you eat during +a day is when you 'break your fast'. + ―scadrafein, May 2014 +% +A change machine always contains the same amount of money. + ―doomed_ficus, Aug 2014 +% +A broken clock is guaranteed to be right twice a day, but you could have a +completely functional clock that's never right. + ―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2015 +% +I know my way around the Grand Theft Auto maps way better than I do the city +I've lived in for the last 20 years. + ―suntzu4u, Jan 2016 +% +If you ever go to prison, don't say you have AIDS to avoid being raped, +because that means your ass is open season to people with actual AIDS who will +want to rape you. + ―ughalready, Jul 2015 +% +"Subaru" spelled backwards is "u r a bus". + ―_emordnilaP, Feb 2014 +% +Horses must be the most farted upon creatures in the whole world. + ―ZebulonHart, May 2014 +% +The words "Tokyo" and "Kyoto" can be written together infinitely, like this: +Tokyotokyotokyotokyo... + ―shivj80, Jul 2016 +% +When you're alive, it's air conditioning. When you're dead, it's +refrigeration. + ―arub, Jul 2014 +% +There should be a "REPOST" option on all posts. If enough people click it, the +post is automatically deleted and the original post takes its place. + ―kooter67, Jan 2015 +% +If a girl likes water she already likes 75% of me + ―randomstew, Nov 2015 +% +99% of quality posts are never actually posted because the author thinks twice +before posting and says "Fuck it, I have better things to do." + ―DoubleGSpot, Nov 2014 +% +Facebook game requests are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet. + ―Protoncube, Jun 2014 +% +Whenever I see "TL;DR", I smile because of the happy, winking guy in the +middle of it. + ―Sunshiny_Day, Mar 2016 +% +If someone says "I'm gay" over and over people would think "oh we know, shut +up about it." But if a person says "I'm straight" over and over again people +would think they're gay. + ―logangrey123, Apr 2016 +% +Samuel L. Jackson is to Quentin Tarantino films, what Johnny Depp is to Tim +Burton movies. + ―Shatrick, Dec 2015 +% +Taylor Swift has a hundred songs about break ups and zero songs about blow +jobs. Coincidence? + ―FunPunishment, Jan 2016 +% +"Emoticons" sound like a group of sensitive Transformers + ―evilkaos, Jan 2016 +% +I can spend $2 almost every day on my morning coffee and it's nothing but +spending $0.99 on an app seems just outrageous. + ―LTCEMT, Sep 2016 +% +We now pay gyms for the privilege of doing the manual labor we once had to do +in order to get paid. + ―Bombingofdresden, Aug 2014 +% +If you worship cows, you probably don't eat cows. But if you worship Jesus, +you probably eat Jesus. + ―r3dd1t0r77, Jun 2015 +% +Every time you cut a corner you make two more. + ―Malikza, May 2016 +% +The NSFW image color should be different if it is sexy or gory + ―mango9791, Jun 2016 +% +I am more interested in the thoughts of strangers on Reddit than any of my +friend's tweets or Facebook statuses. + ―molive333, Aug 2016 +% +All of the planets in Star Wars have the exact same gravitational pulls. + ―[deleted], May 2014 +% +It's ironic that Reddit is on the verge of revolution during the 4th of July +weekend + ―I_Might_Be_Crazy_But, Jul 2015 +% +Google should tell you if you're the first person to ever Google something. + ―Evo7, Jan 2015 +% +If someone uses there, their, or they're incorrectly, I immediately assume I'm +smarter than them based off of one mistake. + ―LegendOfKhaos, Jun 2016 +% +Someone is going to be that guy that dies an hour before we discover aliens +for the first time. + ―boblawslaw, Sep 2015 +% +Why did the Empire bother to compact their garbage if they just ejected it +into space anyway? + ―AMeanCow, Oct 2014 +% +My therapist and my IT guy likely know an equal amount of embarrassing things +about me. + ―ireloyal, Apr 2015 +% +Isn't redesigning Barbie just forcing her to conform to someone else's +standard of beauty? + ―BridgetteBane, Jan 2015 +% +Dane Cook is the Nickelback of stand-up comedians. + ―copperbl, Sep 2015 +% +Soldiers are harder to spot when they're not wearing camouflage. + ―Stangboy, Nov 2015 +% +Girls can't find their hairclip, but they remember what you said exactly 2 yrs +ago at 2:13am + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +For hetero males, birthday sex is celebrating the day you came out of a vagina +by going back into one. + ―[deleted], Feb 2014 +% +Its 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet? + ―Thejailer, May 2015 +% +In Back To The Future II, Marty McFly travels to 21 OCT 2015. As of today, we +have only one week left for the franchise to feature time-travel into the +future. After that, all the BTTF films will feature Marty travelling into the +past from our perspective. + ―ask_if_im_pikachu, Oct 2015 +% +Today I beat my personal record for most days lived + ―Elronnd, Aug 2016 +% +The reason women seem more interested in you when you're already in a +relationship is because you act more confident and naturally, since you're not +trying to consciously impress them anymore. + ―Gheiter, Sep 2014 +% +Hooters should do a home delivery service and call it 'Knockers' + ―xonomad, Sep 2014 +% +If you are bored you should start studying because you will immediately find +something more amusing to do + ―JunSnu, Apr 2015 +% +Stacy is probably hotter than her mom by now + ―catshit_breath, Oct 2015 +% +If a girl likes water, she already likes 75% of me + ―TophTater, Jun 2016 +% +Why do people say "tuna fish" when they don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken +bird"? + ―KaptainH, Nov 2013 +% +Anyone who smokes can take multiple breaks in the work day to feed their +addiction, but if I play ONE game of Hearthstone... + ―Randomd0g, Sep 2015 +% +2020 is only six years away. + ―mydickisgigantic, Feb 2014 +% +When Alex Trebek finally retires from hosting Jeopardy, he should make one +last appearance...as a contestant + ―seravasi, Jan 2015 +% +The only thing keeping radio alive is automobiles. + ―Solyndros, Mar 2015 +% +Isn't a babies 1st birthday actually their 2nd? + ―aSadStateOfAffairs, May 2016 +% +Do you think it's company policy at Microsoft to say "I binged it" instead of +"I googled it"? + ―zebabw, Feb 2015 +% +50% of Canada is the letter "a" + ―Krishna_Po, Jul 2015 +% +Your water purifier being broken is both a first-world problem and a +third-world problem. + ―bloop321, Mar 2016 +% +The kind of police force that honestly can't figure out Bruce Wayne is Batman, +probably serves the type of city that needs Batman + ―TerdVader, Aug 2016 +% +I usually take two poops a day at work, around 5 minutes each. I work 6 days a +week. I get paid 13 dollars an hour. I poop for 1 hour a week. There are 52 +weeks in a year. I make $676 dollars a year solely by pooping. + ―LargeKidWithAIDS, Feb 2014 +% +If Busta Rhymes was a wizard battling in the world of Harry Potter, he would +take out all the bad guys before they could finish the first syllable of their +spells. + ―madeyouangry, Jul 2016 +% +If you're an older twin, you can call your sibling every day and say "Back +when I was your age" and tell then something you did 10 minutes ago + ―SilverMoonSheWolf, Apr 2016 +% +If they re-shot the new Ghostbusters trailer with all males, I would still +hate it + ―BigOl-J, Mar 2016 +% +I could increase my productivity tenfold by changing the title of my to-do +list to "Active Quests" + ―LordNuggetIV, Jul 2016 +% +How fast a car can go from 100-0 is probably more important than how fast it +can get from 0-100. + ―ubuntulive, Jul 2016 +% +I have two boys. One of their penises resembles my own, the other doesn't. I +can only surmise that that is what my wife's junk would look like if she were +a man. + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +I'm more willing to spend $15 on a lunch than on a shirt that will last me +years. + ―xrex64, May 2016 +% +I'm pretty sure I've never pressed the "7" button on my microwave + ―Piefecta, Aug 2016 +% +The term anal bleaching is a bit crude. Why not 'change your ringtone'? + ―pdfclef, Nov 2015 +% +PornHub employees are the only people in the world who would rush to the porn +tab when their boss walks by + ―cptrazek, Aug 2016 +% +10/10 of us think we won't be the one to get hit by that bus. + ―Pgozur, Dec 2014 +% +Eminem should make a line of sunglasses and call them Slim Shadys + ―semanc, Apr 2015 +% +When I buy a pizza, it comes in a sturdy corrugated box. When I buy a cake, it +comes in a flimsy box that tries to kill the cake. + ―datums, Jun 2016 +% +What if Apple's Google glass competitor is called iBrowse and looks like +eyebrows? + ―NothingIsFuckedHere, Jan 2014 +% +There should be an episode of Big Bang Theory where they are sitting around +watching Big Bang Theory but it has different actors and they are ridiculing +the scientific inaccuracies in the show they are watching. + ―00wabbit, Aug 2015 +% +There should be a website where you can enter all of your measurements and +find out what clothing brands will likely fit you best. + ―MixesItWithLove, Feb 2015 +% +If I'm illegally downloading something with satellite Internet, wouldn't that +make me a space pirate? + ―jandk23, Dec 2015 +% +If M. Night Shyamalan's next film doesn't have a twist at the end, I'll +consider it as his biggest twist. + ―BlondieClashNirvana, Feb 2016 +% +Reddit is like the group of cool kids that are always up to speed with what's +trending, all hang out together, and laugh at their inside jokes and I'm the +guy who tags along and tries to get into the group but fails everytime. + ―ThereW0LF, Oct 2016 +% +My personal email is used 1% for email and 99% for logging into random shit + ―Narksdog, Oct 2016 +% +reddit gold is a bit weird. If some stranger made a good point in conversation +I wouldn't give them money + ―kieranaway, Feb 2014 +% +"The Netherlands" sounds more like the name of a fictional fantasy-novel +country than a real place. + ―Taman_Should, Mar 2016 +% +It's weird that people who smoke probably go out and get more fresh air than I +do + ―SchoettleBus, Aug 2015 +% +If we find aliens I hope that'd be the impetus to clean up the planet...just +out of embarrassment. + ―solo_a_mano, Oct 2015 +% +If I think in my own voice, does my dog think in his own barks? + ―Wishful_Traveler, Apr 2015 +% +I wonder when someone will make a movie or TV series with a gay lead character +whose sexuality isn't important to the plot. + ―Rhodoferax, Apr 2014 +% +No cancer patient ever "loses" their battle with cancer. The worst they can do +is a draw because if they die the cancer dies too. + ―[deleted], May 2014 +% +If weights were invisible, the gym would look like a terrible slow-motion +rave. + ―LeviGodolphin02, Dec 2014 +% +Growing up doesn't mean that the teenage angst stops, you just stop making a +scene about it because you realise nobody cares. + ―actually_crazy_irl, Jan 2016 +% +I didn't know how many of my FB friends were experts on gorillas/zoo-keeping +until this week. + ―Shatnerwilliams, Jun 2016 +% +If anyone was given the challenge to fall asleep in 10 minutes in exchange for +a million dollars, almost everyone would fail miserably. + ―MeGustaUsername, Dec 2013 +% +10 years ago staring videos online was a pain due to buffering, now it's a +pain due to having to watch 2 commercials first. + ―AiBiCi, Apr 2016 +% +If you were in zero gravity having sex, you wouldn't know whether you were +doing doggystyle or reverse cowgirl + ―thisisgonnabewhite, Jan 2015 +% +The Google Maps car should play ice cream truck music so Street View will be +filled with pictures of disappointed children. + ―topherker, Oct 2015 +% +The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies, you'd almost think it was +built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +The love of my life could have been caught in a condom. + ―Cmille19, Nov 2014 +% +Swiss Army knives should have a blank blade on them that can be cut into a key + ―chuckalob, Feb 2015 +% +Are Medusa's pubes also snakes?? + ―PressStart2Cont, Sep 2016 +% +My dogs eat random sidewalk turds, fauna&flora and lick as many +unmentionables as possible: and is 100% fine. Yet I feed them a new +supermarket brand dog food pellets and they puke all over the kitchen floor. + ―crowdata, Nov 2015 +% +You should be able to punch one person a year in the face without +repercussions, people would be a lot less douchey if they thought they might +get punched in the face at anytime. + ―SomedayISuppose, Dec 2014 +% +If we could smell over the Internet /r/wtf would be a much scarier place. + ―JugglerCameron, Aug 2015 +% +The one thing they explicitly warn you not to do with a Q-tip is literally the +only thing I have ever done with a Q-tip + ―skatecarter, Feb 2016 +% +Rappers come in two sizes, big and lil. + ―masauce, Nov 2014 +% +If men had the relatively easy option to get a penis implant the way women can +get breast implants I bet there would be a ton of comically sized penises. + ―heyitsgeoff, May 2015 +% +Good drivers should be allowed to level up and gain new abilities, like left +on red lights when no traffic is around + ―jtoeman, Oct 2016 +% +No matter how terribly you abuse your body, it tries it's absolute best to +heal and take care of you. + ―[deleted], May 2014 +% +The word 'immature' spells 'I'm mature' + ―_holdencaufield, Aug 2014 +% +Parking tickets are the opposite of "innocent until proven guilty." You're +presumed guilty unless you can go to court and prove your innocence. + ―uterus_not_uteryou, Jan 2015 +% +Police dog is K-9 (canine). If cats were trained they would be K-10 (kitten) + ―Crakit, Sep 2014 +% +This is the most recent sentence you have read. + ―AlfenPotatoes, Jan 2015 +% +If you ever drop food on yourself when going out for dinner, you can easily +play it off by saying "looks like dinner's on me tonight" + ―thepowerman, Oct 2013 +% +Matilda is the G version of Carrie. + ―Astrokiwi, Aug 2014 +% +My job could easily be automated. The only reason it isn’t is because it would +cost too much. That means a robot won't even work for my salary + ―fingercup, Feb 2016 +% +If a place where the road splits is a "fork in the road", would a cul-de-sac +be a spoon in the road? + ―RedTheSnapper, Jul 2014 +% +The old me, is actually the young me. + ―Goats_in_my_bum, May 2016 +% +When I was a kid I thought the History Channel was boring. Now the programs +are so ridiculous I wish they'd start showing real documentaries again + ―Icameforsloth, Dec 2014 +% +A buttload of dildos is only one dildo + ―suharrr, Aug 2015 +% +I've had a 3D printer in my kitchen for about 15 years, but it only makes +waffles. + ―DagFizz, Mar 2014 +% +Since the new Iron Man is a female they should change the title to FeMale. + ―delusional-thomas, Jul 2016 +% +Babies are just a parasitic STD that, after 9months of sucking on a woman's +nutrients, grows strong enough to leave the womb and instead feed on your +financial resources. + ―scvannost, Apr 2014 +% +When Apple comes out with a device to compete with Google Glass they should +call it the iPatch. + ―alexinawe, Feb 2015 +% +In t-shirt sizes, XL > L > M, but it's the opposite in roman numerals + ―paperhat, Feb 2015 +% +If a zombie outbreak happened on Halloween, the resulting post apocalyptic +world would be much more visually interesting. + ―Wasabi_Nasal_Spray, Oct 2015 +% +When you're a kid and somebody swears, you're like "dude, don't swear, there +are adults around." As an adult when someone swears you're like "dude, don't +swear, there are kids here." + ―SpooningThemSoftly, Jul 2016 +% +If we had 53 states, a prime number, we really would be "one nation +indivisible"... + ―ParthS, Jun 2014 +% +Somewhere on tinder, there is endless bot conversations, but us humans can't +see. + ―abolish_karma, Feb 2015 +% +They should make fun, adult-sized, adult-only playgrounds. More people would +get exercise that way. + ―[deleted], May 2015 +% +In the future, everybody's self-driving cars will drive slowly around the +block all day to avoid buying parking tickets. + ―Auzy, Feb 2016 +% +In Kanye West song "Hell of a life", he says he think he fell in love with a +porn star. Technically he did. + ―lolarious26, Jan 2015 +% +On 9/11, I remember how the country came together. 15 years later, I don't +think it's been further apart. + ―MediocreIntelligence, Sep 2016 +% +In addition to best seller lists, Amazon should also have "most returned" +lists + ―suchamazewow, Oct 2016 +% +Read rhymes with lead and read rhymes with lead, but read doesn't rhyme with +lead and read doesn't rhyme with lead. + ―Deepsea225, Apr 2014 +% +The fact that the first person they suspect after someone is murdered is the +spouse tells me everything I need to know about marriage. + ―xproofx, Jul 2014 +% +Tom Cruise is 53 years old. His first wife is now 59. His second wife is now +48. His third wife is now 36. His current girlfriend is 22. Soon he will be +dating a prepubescent girl. (Or boy.) + ―girlminuslife, Jul 2015 +% +If I played my life like a game I'd probably be a lot better at it. + ―jb2386, May 2016 +% +If humans ever become enslaved by Artificial intelligence the Amish are going +to be so pissed. + ―Caythen, Jun 2015 +% +A "Humans" episode of How Its Made would make for a hilarious sex ed video. + ―thesurlyengineer, Jul 2016 +% +After 20 years I've only just realised we sing the alphabet to twinkle twinkle +little star. + ―audia3162, Jul 2016 +% +What if the ancient Egyptians didn't actually worship cats, they only jokingly +did, in the form of an ancient meme. + ―Dreamlite, Sep 2016 +% +South Park needs an episode about Martin Shkreli called "Shkreli's Deli," +where he buys out the food in town, owns a store and jacks up the prices on +his sandwiches, causing starvation and misery. + ―prezbotyrion, Feb 2016 +% +Most of us will die with a 0:1 KD ratio + ―cheesewizz12, Feb 2014 +% +If you marry someone who is the opposite of you politically, neither of you +will ever have to vote because the votes would cancel each other out + ―satchmole, May 2014 +% +In 2015 my car is probably safer from thieves by being a stick-shift rather +than having a car alarm. + ―ReckoningGotham, Sep 2015 +% +I also have a teardrop tattoo for every person I've killed. + ―AndrewDCF, Feb 2016 +% +The word "Queue" has 4 unnecessary letters + ―fired334, Jul 2014 +% +Saying "Ebola" on a plane is the new equivalent to saying "bomb" + ―inspectordexter, Oct 2014 +% +The first woman to ever have twins must have been really confused. + ―IdSporkYouSoGood, Feb 2016 +% +Imagine how creepy it would be if babies could cry from inside the womb + ―camdoodlebop, Mar 2015 +% +The NSFW tag for showerthoughts is essentially useless + ―Mage_of_Shadows, Sep 2015 +% +YouTube became popular because people hated the commercial network +format. YouTube is slowly becoming a commercial network. + ―hahahehejaja, Aug 2016 +% +The War on Drugs probably has more POW's than any actual war. + ―AceOfDrafts, Jun 2014 +% +Star Wars spoilers should be called wookieeleaks + ―Almost_sober, Dec 2015 +% +The word "bitch" is used to describe people of either gender who possess +negative traits of the other. + ―skippwhy, Mar 2014 +% +Tolkien died in 1973. Turn that around and you get 3791. Three Rings for the +Elven-kings under the sky,Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of +stone,Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,One for the Dark Lord on his dark +throne. + ―Elijahs-Wood, Nov 2015 +% +Cats dominate the internet, rather than dogs, because dog-people have to go +out more often. + ―CaesarS-a-lad, Dec 2015 +% +Ventriloquists can probably hold a conversation with their dentist through an +appointment + ―Cookingsouls, Mar 2016 +% +Stan Lee might die any day now and I'm not mentally prepared for that + ―ianelinon, Oct 2014 +% +The phrase "potato potato, tomato tomato" is really fucking dumb when you +spell it out. + ―WritersLego, Mar 2016 +% +Vampires should be called hemogoblins. + ―viceroyofmontecristo, Feb 2014 +% +In 9 months, I bet that we'll see a spike in the German birth rate. + ―[deleted], Jul 2014 +% +The best way to honor a woman who worked a lifetime to end human trade, is to +put her on currency, so she can be legally traded..Harriet Tubman + ―charper732, Apr 2016 +% +No one is surprised the wealthy and powerful evade taxes, everyone is +flabbergasted that they actually got caught. + ―Rafterman21, Apr 2016 +% +I used to look at my Grandfather carving with a knife and thought he was a +master carpenter. He'd look at me with a computer and think I was a software +engineer + ―thwappy, Sep 2016 +% +An AskReddit post is a reverse AMA + ―foxtrui, Apr 2014 +% +If you're pregnant with a boy, you are a woman who's growing a penis. + ―fabiofighter, Oct 2015 +% +Eating a potato is pretty Irish, but so is not eating a potato. + ―jcmack13, Jun 2015 +% +"Prostitution is the only job you can charge more for having no prior +experience in the work" + ―NvrGonnaGiveYouUp, Jul 2015 +% +Happy Scottish Dependance Day + ―Traitor-joes, Sep 2014 +% +Stan Lee's cameo in Avengers 2 should have been him as a janitor in Stark +Tower and he lifts Mjolnir so he can dust under it + ―Uncle_Cheech, Jan 2016 +% +GoFundMe should automatically put up rejected ideas on a wall of shame called +"GoFundYourself." + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +If an adult had told me as a child that they secretly don’t have a clue what +they’re doing, growing up would have been a lot less of a shock. + ―ulaalaa, Feb 2016 +% +When I was a kid, I thought "don't make me come up there!" was a threat. Now +that I have kids, I realize it's a plea. + ―TooLazyToBeClever, Sep 2016 +% +On Reddit, males see other commenters as male until proven female. + ―AbortedFrappuccino, Aug 2014 +% +If Centaurs were real, "naysayer" might be a racial slur. + ―PirateMunky, Feb 2015 +% +"One man's junk is another man's treasure" needs to be put on a nice big sign +at a pride parade. + ―BruceRee33, Feb 2016 +% +Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" +means it was good. + ―simz1437, Mar 2016 +% +I just realized I'm a "service human" for my rescue dog with ptsd. + ―Youandmcgregor, Jul 2016 +% +I wonder if somewhere in Japan there are Japanese teenagers saying to each +other; "Have you seen American porn?!? That shit is fucked UP, dude." + ―StrangerinPublic, Dec 2014 +% +I should start a deliver company where hooters girls deliver your food, and +call it "Knockers" + ―Jaywoah, May 2013 +% +Every time you have McDonald's as a kid, it's a victory. Every time you have +McDonald's as an adult, it's a defeat. + ―db7894, Nov 2015 +% +Pluto wasn't even a planet for a full year on pluto + ―TheHamgurgler, May 2016 +% +Every upvote you've ever gotten was given to you by someone with a life as +complex and full as yours who liked your comment. + ―Klaviatur, Mar 2014 +% +I don't understand the human race. People eat each other's assholes, but won't +eat the end piece of bread in a bag + ―MattyMcdaddy, Aug 2014 +% +r/nofap is one big circle jerk over not jerking off + ―liltormented, Oct 2014 +% +"Child porn" is the only phrase in the English language that I'd be genuinely +afraid to type into Google. + ―pix_elle, Sep 2016 +% +We are lucky to have our ears are at the perfect height for wearing glasses + ―Pylly, Nov 2015 +% +If my dog pees on a tree to mark his territory, does he think my family is +having a turf war over our bathroom? + ―DevilsAdvocate1217, Apr 2016 +% +Isn't it weird that we don't see more dead people just out on the sidewalk or +in a store? I see hundreds of people a day. You'd think some of them would +drop dead in front of me occasionally. + ―octobertwins, Sep 2015 +% +My lawn drinks cleaner water than most of the world. + ―snatchiw, Jul 2016 +% +Life is like a box of chocolates; An emotional woman can destroy one in 5 +minutes + ―ZeusThunder369, Mar 2015 +% +The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions is an affirmation of +how unoriginal all my problems are. + ―526564646974_, Sep 2016 +% +If you're one in a million, then there are 7000 people just like you + ―onanygivensunday, Apr 2016 +% +I am 13.7 billion years old according to law of mass conservation. + ―theploop, Nov 2015 +% +The word "thing" and the word "night" use all the same letters, but none of +the letters make the same sound in both. + ―TheDutchWonder, Feb 2016 +% +Schools don't teach kids how to eat because we've always assumed that they'd +learn it at home. But that's clearly not the case, since most parents are +overweight. Therefore, the educational system should start teaching kids about +nutrition from a young age. + ―dustofoblivion123, Jul 2016 +% +15 years ago, when the internet consisted mostly of chatting with strangers, I +dreamed of hyper-realistic video games. But know that we have those, I spend +most of my time talking to strangers on Reddit. + ―lcq92, Jun 2015 +% +If you wash the dirt from a fallen ice cube, you are washing your water with +water in hope that there's only water on the water you will add to your water + ―FUCKING_HATE_REDDIT, May 2016 +% +It's amazing how often "turn it off then turn it back on again" actually +solves the problem. + ―Malibu_Snackbar, Sep 2016 +% +Puns are "inside jokes" for entire languages. + ―LFBR, Jun 2014 +% +We use the phrase "shark-infested waters" as if they aren't supposed to be +there. We are the ones infesting shark-inhabited waters. + ―statusofliberty, Jul 2015 +% +Was Bingo the name of the farmer or the dog? + ―MrSnoman, Jan 2016 +% +I hope The Simpsons is cancelled before any of the main voice actors die +because a family death episode would be too weird + ―bigshittytruckdriver, May 2016 +% +Saying "tunafish sandwich" is like saying "beefmammal burger" + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +Birthday sex is celebrating exiting a vagina by entering one. + ―_Not_Bruce_Wayne_, Sep 2015 +% +Porn is the only industry where it is not only acceptable but standard to +separate people based on race, sex and sexual preference. + ―Badmirputin, Sep 2016 +% +60% of the world population is Asian but I dont think I've ever seen a +pregnant Asian woman in real life + ―AmiriteClyde, Jan 2014 +% +No wonder we have problems. We start each year by dropping the ball. + ―Ganon_Cubana, Jan 2015 +% +Dr. Drake Ramoray might be the most well known character from Days of Our +Lives, and has never appeared on the show + ―Jblumhorst, Jun 2016 +% +Not a single list online is important enough for me to deal with if it's a +slideshow instead of a scroll list + ―BoatsandCotes, Sep 2016 +% +I measure my day's productivity by the amount of phone battery remaining when +I leave work. + ―drumdude0, Apr 2015 +% +Know Your Meme is slowly becoming a historical document that will be required +reading by future civilizations to understand our writings. + ―Chouonsoku, Aug 2015 +% +So many adult women are in love with the boys from One Direction. Imagine the +reaction if adult men were crazy over a band of teenage girls. + ―wtt90, Aug 2015 +% +Why doesn't anyone ever come back from a near death experience claiming Hell +is for real? + ―TheReal_JimmyK, Oct 2015 +% +Deciding to date your best friend is like betting double or nothing + ―dumpsterofdildos, Oct 2016 +% +A foot away from me it's -5 degrees out... thank you house + ―SnipenBombs21, Jan 2015 +% +If I buy a self driving car, and then sign up for UBER, i could make money +sitting at home doing nothing + ―An_aussie_in_ct, Jul 2015 +% +Seeing your first and last name in the title of a Reddit post would probably +be pretty freaky. Yes, Joseph Martin, I'm talking to you. + ―itsokimstupid, May 2016 +% +If you park next to someone parked like an asshole and they leave, you're the +new asshole + ―6squareddabsmaf, Aug 2016 +% +Santa Claus is the idea of God, dumbed down for children. He see's all, if you +are not good you get coal(go to hell), if you are good you get presents(go to +heaven), and the idea is to keep you under control for the people in power(the +parents). + ―gigabyteIO, Dec 2014 +% +Judging by all the great loot to be found in every dungeon-filled fantasy +game, those worlds are filled with multiple races with tremendous respect for +the dead, never disturbing their rest. Then you come along... + ―Pharmdawg, Dec 2015 +% +If you got your tongue stuck in a mouse trap, you'd start pronouncing it mouth +trap, and that is also what it would be, and that is pleasing + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +Our hair turning gray is like our body running out of ink. + ―ObtuseRightTriangle, Mar 2015 +% +The sentence "NO DOGS ALLOWED; guide dogs excepted." has the same meaning as +"NO DOGS ALLOWED; guide dogs accepted." even though accepted and excepted have +opposite meanings + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +Pop-stars aren't really artists, they are just instruments for producers. + ―jaysteven1337, Jan 2015 +% +If a baby is born at 1 AM EST in New York (10 PM PST the previous day), and a +baby is born one hour later in Los Angeles (11 PM PST, 2 AM EST), the second +child born is legally older, while actually being an hour younger. + ―TheOrganicMachine, Jul 2015 +% +A TV channel where all the shows are set in the same universe. + ―[deleted], Feb 2013 +% +Deviled Eggs seem like an inappropriate food for Easter. + ―flipsideCREATIONS, Apr 2014 +% +I can't be the only one that is sick of pretending to be sad when a famous +person that had no impact on my life dies. + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +Between my drinking, language, and having sex with my wife, my life would be +rated R. + ―imonlinedammit, Jul 2014 +% +A baseball signed by me is worth less than an unsigned baseball + ―Crando, Jan 2016 +% +My parents were once young, scared shitless, and just trying to find their way +in the world. They fought sleep deprivation, made huge financial sacrifices, +and were always there for me. I really should have done the dishes more. + ―Cheeetooos, Sep 2016 +% +Menus should include prep times so you can order based on how much time you +have to eat. + ―tgpo, Feb 2014 +% +The Dursleys were mean and bitter because the had been exposed to a horcrux +for eleven years. + ―Nashad, Feb 2015 +% +I bet mailmen sometimes try to get in to the passenger's side of their cars +after work. + ―GHenders, May 2014 +% +Maybe fog is The Matrix having graphics card problems and is turning down the +draw distance + ―oxwearingsocks, Sep 2014 +% +Why isn't Tinder's slogan "We have the tinder, all you need is a match?" + ―Sammydee123, May 2015 +% +At one point in history there was someone who was the first to shoot a human +with a gun and kill them. They were literally the first person shooter. + ―Djerrid, Jan 2015 +% +"I feel stupid and contagious" from Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana would +be a great slogan against the anti-vaccine movement. + ―jccad, Feb 2015 +% +Mark Zuckerberg should donate $53 million to one of Taylor Swift's charities +and tweet a photo of the check @kanyewest + ―CornerCarving, Feb 2016 +% +We live in a world where GTA is a kid's game and Candy Crush is an adult's +game + ―pilgrimnl, Oct 2016 +% +Cinema seats should have headphone jack sockets so you can bring your own +headphones and not listen to the dick talking throughout the whole of +Foxcatcher.... Dick. + ―Benseed, Jan 2015 +% +If men can "think with the wrong head" does that mean women "talk with the +wrong lips" sometimes? + ―captainobvious254, Feb 2016 +% +How did hamsters ever survive in the wild? + ―Accio_Upvotes, Mar 2014 +% +There should be a show called "Are you Smarter than an Adult?" meant to put +5th graders back in their place. They'd be asked questions like "What day are +taxes due?" and "Explain how the electoral college works.". + ―itsallhistory, Nov 2015 +% +Who's crazier? A man who believes he has a talking dog? OR a man who ignores +consistently great advice from his dog? + ―Cyrax7, Aug 2015 +% +Let's take a moment to appreciate that Mother Nature not only pre-sliced but +also pre-wrapped oranges. + ―Steel_Ninja, May 2013 +% +Ants have succesfully colonised all continents except, ironically, Antarctica. + ―Lo0t, Dec 2014 +% +For April fools day the Onion should become a perfectly regular news site + ―leothesilent, Mar 2016 +% +People who say that 'Wikipedia can be edited by anyone to say anything' would +be greatly disappointed if they attempted to do so + ―jarghon, Apr 2016 +% +So many gifs I've seen just make me wonder, "Why were you filming that in the +first place?" + ―trwwy321, Oct 2016 +% +No matter how badly you mess up Benedoozle Cumberbombs name, people will still +know who you're talking about. + ―My_TNT_Antelope, Oct 2014 +% +Dickbutt is a synonym for cocktail + ―largesttuna, Feb 2015 +% +Five hours feels like an awful lot when you're awake, but precious little when +you're asleep + ―Azmek, Sep 2015 +% +You are more likely to lose your job by being a dentist shooting a lion than a +cop shooting a person + ―sandrewj, Jul 2015 +% +If we ever developed the technology to electronically send smells, the only +thing anyone would ever use it for is tricking your friends into smelling your +farts + ―IBeJizzin, Apr 2014 +% +Spacesuits are literally made to protect astronauts from nothing + ―cyberk25, May 2014 +% +Nothing is on fire, fire is on things + ―GuitarPerson159, Nov 2013 +% +I wonder how many times I've been in a photo unintentionally and if people +have framed photos of me in their houses because I'm in the background of +their photo + ―Breadboy22, May 2014 +% +Humans are Half-Centaur, Half-Minotaur + ―j0sh77, Apr 2015 +% +Stan Lee should get himself filmed saying multiple lines with a green screen +background so even if he dies, he still appears in Marvel movies + ―GivingItYourAll, Nov 2015 +% +When a deaf person gets their teeth cleaned, the tables are turned. They can +communicate freely while the hygienist is forced to stop working in their +mouth in order to communicate. + ―botosotf, Feb 2016 +% +Porn is the only movie genre where most of the main characters are female + ―zehnfischer, Jun 2015 +% +Whenever C-3P0 exclaimed "Thank the Maker!" in the original trilogy, he was +referring to Darth Vader. + ―JZA1, Oct 2015 +% +I manage my money in a game better than I do in real life. + ―testglass, Aug 2016 +% +Snails would be a lot scarier if they were fast. + ―phatmakgmc, Dec 2015 +% +If you step on a person's foot they open their mouth, just like a trashcan + ―Pickle_Slinger, Sep 2016 +% +The stupidest people I've met in my life had no idea they were stupid... so I +could be stupid too and not know it. + ―lookslikesinbad, Oct 2015 +% +Can Chewbacca even say Chewbacca? Shouldn't his name be something like +Rawwwraaraar? + ―noreferencesleft, Mar 2014 +% +If anyone should be pro-marijuana, it's the snack food industry. + ―TheGreenAbe, Apr 2016 +% +Most of my adult life has been about solving problems I created for myself +between the ages of 16 and 26 ... + ―qui_tam_gogh, Sep 2016 +% +Call of Duty games will continue to progress through history until the point +at which we're basically playing Halo + ―SlightPaddling, May 2016 +% +This entire month is pi month. + ―kakacha, Mar 2014 +% +Bars should have an area for designated drivers so all the sober people can +hang out with each other + ―coffee_cak3, May 2015 +% +If marijuana ever does become legal, Ziploc is going to take quite a hit. + ―AboMoFo, Sep 2015 +% +Medusa is the only female that can turn a guy off and get him rock hard at the +same time. + ―Real_Justin, Jun 2015 +% +What if the only thing made in China was the sticker that said "Made in China" + ―BNASTYALLDAYBABY, May 2016 +% +Maybe cats are jerks because God gave them the ability to lick their own +genitals but gave them a tongue like sandpaper. + ―BravoSherpa, Oct 2015 +% +2016 is feeling more and more like that bit in the movies where the time +traveller accidentally kills a bug and when he returns, the world is not quite +right. + ―AMVRocks, Aug 2016 +% +Whenever I talk to my co-workers at work we talk about our personal lives, but +whenever we hang out outside of work, we talk about work. + ―RVVill, Jul 2016 +% +A crush is called a crush because he/she will most likely crush your feelings + ―U7m8b, Apr 2014 +% +Maybe the rapture is happening and God is taking the best musicians first for +sound check before the party... + ―mrsenormonsieur, Apr 2016 +% +If I'm ever being followed in a car, I'm gonna go to a fast food drive-thru +and test their commitment. + ―whatisthedealnow, Oct 2016 +% +The Boston Tea party turned the entire ocean into a really, really weak cup of +tea. + ―kairoseki, Mar 2016 +% +Apple is the Starbucks of technology. Hugely popular, cheaply made, and +everybody raves about it when it's not at all the best stuff on the market. + ―DrMaxhattan, Aug 2016 +% +There should be a holiday called Galaxy Day. Where NASA shuts everything down +(no light pollution) and everyone goes outside to look at the stars. + ―Lenners234, Nov 2015 +% +I wish The Cure would send cease and desist letters to the Susan G. Komen +Foundation + ―despalicious, Dec 2015 +% +If I were immortal, I would have to be extra careful not to get trapped +somewhere with no way to get out. + ―jiveabillion, Mar 2016 +% +If someone tells you that you're the pineapple to their pizza, you don't know +if it's a really good or really bad thing. + ―theavocadoparadox, Aug 2016 +% +If a dick was like other muscles and got bigger through regular exercises, +gyms would be a lot weirder. + ―Ruarsome, Jun 2015 +% +You know your job sucks if people get sentenced to do it as community service + ―PM_ME_COCK_OR_COOCH, Jun 2016 +% +If you’re rich and you pay no taxes, you’re a genius. If you’re poor and you +pay no taxes, you’re a moocher. + ―dragontail, Oct 2016 +% +American children under the age of about 7 or 8 don't know what it's like to +have a white man as president. + ―mishra1111, Jun 2014 +% +If you cut Wolverine in half straight down the middle, and kept them separate, +would each half grow back, making two Wolverines? + ―MissAmberNichole, Jul 2015 +% +Socializing is like going to the gym for me. I know it's good for me and once +I'm doing it, I actually enjoy it, but I will try every excuse in the book to +avoid it. + ―paradoximoron, Sep 2015 +% +Can we crowdfund Mike Tyson to win Martin Shkreli "one punch in the face" +auction? + ―J33p3r5, Sep 2016 +% +I think it would be funny when our kids turn 5 to tell them if they lie or +misbehave their teeth will start falling out + ―The_boo_boo_Monkey, Jun 2016 +% +I have spent well over 120,000 hours wearing pants, and therefore according to +Malcolm Gladwell I am a complete master of the subject. + ―non_clever_name, Sep 2014 +% +Some Scooby Doo episodes would be a lot shorter if they just went to the +costume store first and asked a couple of questions. + ―bradleypb, Jul 2015 +% +Bill Cosby being a gynecologist in The Cosby Show makes a whole lot of sense +all of a sudden. + ―irish1983, Dec 2015 +% +If we got "YOU ARE NOW MANUALLY BREATHING" to the front page, it would affect +a lot of people. + ―Max_Thunder, Feb 2015 +% +Of the roughly 7 billion people on this planet, I've managed to capture your +attention + ―Hot_Shot_McGee, Oct 2016 +% +Siri should respond to me at the same volume level that I spoke at. + ―forelius, Oct 2016 +% +When my iPhone says "Siri not available" it should be in a voice other than +Siri's. + ―naturehatesyou, Feb 2015 +% +Marvin the Martian was the ref in Space Jam because he's both an alien and a +Looney Toon - he's neutral. + ―juicefactor, Aug 2015 +% +I really miss snapping my flip-phone shut + ―margaret_thacher, Sep 2015 +% +The better the porn video, the less likely I am to see to the end of it. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +If I were invisible I'd go to Paris and beat up a street mime...the amount of +applause he would get would be incredible + ―ratherenjoysbass, Dec 2014 +% +Flossing is the opposite of masturbation. Nobody does it but everyone says +they do. + ―Trapsterz, May 2015 +% +Every word is literally a made-up word. + ―Marvelerful, Nov 2015 +% +All accounts should have a "I lied about my age before" option for when you +actually turn 18. + ―scottylime, Jul 2016 +% +"Don't take the 'Christ' out of Christmas"... Roman pagans were probably +saying something equivalent when Christians hijacked their Saturnalia festival +& rebranded it as the birth of their savior. + ―rg216, Dec 2014 +% +Chinese alphabet soup must be crazy. + ―Sathranath, Jun 2016 +% +When I was a kid I thought finding worms in apples was going to be a much +bigger problem than it has turned out to be! + ―NewReddit101, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if people who have sex with animals care about the gender of said +animal. "I'd screw a pig but not a boy pig, I ain't gay." + ―_Clint-Beastwood_, Jul 2016 +% +Technically, any drink that has calories is an energy drink. + ―AmazingKreiderman, Sep 2016 +% +As an adult I don't procrastinate; I just straight out ignore my +responsibilities. + ―BlackBox-, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if 50% is considered a passing grade in meteorology school? + ―iwishiwasbritish, Mar 2014 +% +If you pretend FOX news is a satire, it's like having colbert back.. + ―FranciscoGalt, Aug 2015 +% +Do Zubats think they're really strong because everyone runs away from them? + ―Shadowviper12, Aug 2015 +% +Acquired taste is the Stockholm Syndrome of the flavor world. + ―therealjenks, Jan 2014 +% +Youtube should add a feature where you can't like or dislike a video until +you've watched a certain percentage of the video's length + ―Black_Gotenks, Mar 2015 +% +Airports should have post offices in them so you can mail home all the crap +you can't bring onto the plane + ―[deleted], Jan 2014 +% +What if all 'senseless murderers' were actually heroes sent back in time to +assassinate people who would become Genocidal dictators in the future? + ―jvitkun, Sep 2014 +% +Both 10 AM and 12 AM come before 11 AM + ―aaa937, Aug 2015 +% +The shittier your camera, the higher chance you'll encounter some rare, +creepy, unidentified creature + ―lawful_neutral, Dec 2015 +% +The difference between $0 and $1M seems significantly larger in my brain than +the difference between $1M and $2M. + ―timeformorecake, Apr 2016 +% +Broth is like meat tea + ―ipwndurmom69, Apr 2016 +% +Somewhere out there, there is a bottle of Cesar salad dressing with an +expiration date of March 15th. + ―Zodikosis, Mar 2014 +% +The internet is full of cats because dog people go outside. + ―TheYoungThresh, May 2015 +% +The worst part about food poisoning is that you paid for it. + ―cosmosomsoc, Apr 2016 +% +Mick Jagger, 72, is having a kid, his 8th, with his 29 year old girlfriend, +who is 16 years younger than his oldest child, which is 45. But two moms or +two dads is too difficult to explain to a seven year old. + ―iamjamieq, Jul 2016 +% +Reddit needs a youtube filter just like it's NSFW filter. There is nothing +worse than clicking a youtube link when you thought it was a gif. + ―Waldamos, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder if Michelle and Barack are doing it in every nook and cranny of the +Whitehouse for one last time. + ―534578794249544348, Sep 2016 +% +The number "0" is literally a portal that separates the positive and negative +numbers from each other + ―LMN-er, Apr 2014 +% +"I've never watched any of your movies all the way to the end" is an insult +when you say it to a normal actor, but a complement when you say it to a porn +actor. + ―AFineWayToDie, Jun 2015 +% +There are two types of people in this world. Those who clear remaining time +when they're done with the microwave, and monsters. + ―Sans_Snu_Snu, Apr 2016 +% +dogs are the wolves who sold out to the man + ―morthond, Aug 2016 +% +Religion is like a thousand year long game of telephone + ―delitomatoes, Oct 2014 +% +All pregnant women are bodybuilders. + ―mistergoodpepper, Mar 2015 +% +There should be a subreddit for road trips called "r/WeThereYet" + ―Rice4LifeAZN, Mar 2014 +% +I want to see Bear Grylls survive living in San Francisco for a month on +minimum wage + ―helpprogram2, Nov 2015 +% +David Bowie died, and a week later we have a new planet. I think he actually +was from outer space. + ―StrictlyForTheBirds, Jan 2016 +% +All horror movies should show bloopers before credits so that you don't get +nigthmares after watching a really scary movie. + ―Unicorncorn21, Jul 2016 +% +The phrase "I love you too" can be written as "I love you <3" as well. + ―Snudge, Jan 2014 +% +When your grandmother says "That's nice dear." It's equivalent to "Cool story +bro." + ―ajax1264, Sep 2014 +% +If one of the Muppets gives you a blowjob, are you getting a handjob as well? + ―JamesA91, Apr 2015 +% +I bet more people would use the Gamblers Addiction Hotline if 1 out of every 5 +callers got a prize. + ―Cat2Rupert, Aug 2016 +% +As a redditor who doesn't play fallout I feel like a 1%er. + ―os-406, Nov 2015 +% +If Bruce Willis dies from viagra overdose, the headline will read "Bruce +Willis Dies Hard" + ―dr721, Sep 2013 +% +The Titanic's swimming pool is still full + ―Wark_Mahlberg, Aug 2015 +% +/r/gonewild is the friend zone version of porn: girls want attention and +validation from the guys but they don't actually want anything to do with +them. + ―Captain-Cuddles, Sep 2015 +% +I can make up any TIL I want and then link a really long Wikipedia page and +99% of Redditors will never actually read the wiki but will assume the fact is +true. + ―CapedDebater, Feb 2016 +% +Humans have a 16 hour battery life + ―gavin92, Nov 2013 +% +Lesbian Friends with Benefits should be called Breast Friends + ―Hoftrugh, Sep 2014 +% +A boomerang warehouse hit with a tornado wouldn't lose any boomerangs. + ―Jony_Write, May 2015 +% +Someone should organize a tribute show honoring Weird Al where the original +artists perform his parody versions of their songs for him. + ―SpookyGeek, Jul 2014 +% +eBay is Pig Latin for be. + ―sassturkey, Jun 2014 +% +Politicians should have to wear the logos of companies / interest groups that +they get money from on their suits like NASCAR drivers. + ―NudeTayneMNW, Dec 2014 +% +Women's haircuts are considered good if people notice them; men's haircuts are +considered good if people don't notice them. + ―annoying_dumb_guy, Jan 2015 +% +Why do adult sites have a share button? Who watches porn and then thinks 'dave +would fucking love this' + ―finlaww, Jan 2015 +% +7 x 9 = 63, 8 x 8, which is in the middle, is 64, one more. This rule applies +to all 3 sequential numbers e.g. 4 x 6 = 24, 5 x 5 = 25 + ―poringo, Jun 2014 +% +Why don't pizza companies have icecream -style trucks drive around in the +evenings making pizzas on request? I would come running if I heard the Pizza +Van playing greensleeves in our street. + ―logocracycopy, Dec 2015 +% +I have noticed that when all the lights are on, people tend to talk about what +they are doing – their outer lives. Sitting round in candlelight or firelight, +people start to talk about how they are feeling – their inner lives. + ―saraboulos, Sep 2015 +% +The number 14233221 describes itself; it has one four, two threes, three twos, +and two ones. + ―shalomfrommo, Sep 2015 +% +Five months ago, I was ecstatic when gas went below $2/gallon to +$1.90/gallon. Now I am pissed that it went from $1.70/gallon to $1.90/gallon + ―Elementaal, Mar 2016 +% +Netflix needs a "This item will be removed in X days" so I can binge watch +shows in the right order. + ―TheFlyingPigSquadron, Sep 2016 +% +When you "bite down" on something, you're actually "biting up" because you +can't move your top jaw + ―okspeck, Oct 2013 +% +If Cindy Lou Who got her Ph.D., she would be Doctor Who. + ―Hyro0o0, Jan 2015 +% +Horses went from pulling the cart to getting towed around in trailers. That's +a pretty good deal. + ―HornedRavenclaw, Aug 2016 +% +Tesla should come out with a cologne called Elon Musk. + ―slapded, Dec 2014 +% +'Dad Bod' should have been called Father Figure instead + ―rockinbo, Aug 2015 +% +A cancer researchers job is to unemploy themselves + ―kevinfriedman6, May 2016 +% +A 5 year old would never understand the top comment in any +/r/explainlikeimfive post + ―TheGameCouch, Oct 2016 +% +When jogging, we put on special clothes so people don't think we are running +from or to something. + ―SoilworkFanatic, Jan 2014 +% +Getting a blow job is literally having "the life sucked out of you." + ―idothisinmysleep, Oct 2015 +% +My wife often repeats herself. I'm starting to wonder if I'm trapped in a +video game and I married an NPC. + ―Combat_crocs, Jun 2016 +% +They should make episodes of How It's Made where they don't tell you what item +they are making until the end. + ―jzkhockey, Aug 2016 +% +Water is just rusty hydrogen + ―TristanBomb, Feb 2016 +% +Maybe the reason why fundamentalist religious types are always going on about +how films and video games are a bad influence is because they're the kind of +people who let their lives be dominated by a single book. + ―JurassicArc, May 2016 +% +The only reason I read comments on Reddit is to find someone who has the same +reaction to a post as me but can communicate their thoughts better. + ―EthinicPlatypus, Oct 2016 +% +When you lay a sand timer on its side, it looks like an infinity sign and the +timer stops + ―Eddie_14, May 2015 +% +We named every moon in our solar system, but not our own. + ―Castigale, Jan 2016 +% +Google self-driving car should have an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button that drives +you to a random location. + ―meflou, Mar 2016 +% +I wonder if I've ever synced poops with Queen Elizabeth. + ―i_am_mr_solo_dolo, Sep 2014 +% +If my wish that my son becomes Batman ever comes true, I won't be around to +see it happen. + ―RideWelland, Sep 2015 +% +In 40 years when they remake the Harry Potter movies Daniel Radcliffe will +probably play a minor character and children won't believe you when you say +that he was Harry Potter once. + ―Pengqiao, Feb 2016 +% +One hundred years ago, purchasing imported products from foreign countries +used to be considered an expensive luxury. Now purchasing products made in +your own country is an expensive luxury…unless you live in China. + ―FuneralWolves, May 2016 +% +Most of the time bleeping out a curse word in a song is the only reason I knew +there was a curse word in the song + ―imusbbored, Sep 2016 +% +If Taylor Swift did an AMA, it would be the perfect opportunity for a surprise +Kanye West AMA. + ―[deleted], Apr 2014 +% +I wouldn't click an ad on Google, even if it's exactly what I was looking for. + ―Ayzkalyn, Jul 2016 +% +You're not the first person to read this sentence, but you are the most +recent. + ―Ghosttwo, Oct 2016 +% +Someone should sell a book on eBay called "How to scam people online" and +never ship it to customers. + ―iLucky12, Mar 2015 +% +What if fetishes are inherited genetically but none of us know because we are +all too awkward and embarrased to admit them to our families. + ―bloopiedoobie, Apr 2015 +% +I just realized today on the beach that sand is called sand because it's +between the sea and land + ―kiloquarter, Sep 2014 +% +Very few things on Reddit are as useless as the NSFW tag on shower thoughts. + ―BudYetWiser, Feb 2016 +% +At 4:16 p.m. and 16 seconds today, the date and time will be: 1/6/16 16:16:16. + ―Legato2001, Jan 2016 +% +By going out in public, you're trusting hundreds or thousands of people to not +kill you + ―PeachHarvest, Apr 2016 +% +Opening your eyes during a prayer is usually frowned upon by religious people, +but the only ones who will catch you doing it are the ones that do it +themselves. + ―SirFwissel, Jun 2016 +% +Marshall Mathers. MM. M and M. Eminem. I am stupid. + ―wearebc, Oct 2015 +% +The saying "you win some, you lose some" is only brought up when you lose one. + ―NurvPulse, Apr 2016 +% +Interesting how you use a ladle to get broth and go to a brothel to get laid. + ―[deleted], Jun 2013 +% +Being "up for pizza," "down for pizza," or "in for pizza," all mean that +you're "on board for pizza." + ―manic_lethargy, Nov 2015 +% +Guns is another name for arms and arms is another name for guns. + ―BrightBurner, Apr 2016 +% +Most women won't date a guy that still lives with his mom, but they will date +a guy that still lives with his wife. + ―MaddenMan73, Jul 2016 +% +Suicide doesn't ends the pain. It passes to someone else. + ―dwightaroundya, Mar 2015 +% +When we kill mosquitos after we notice they landed on us, we are naturally +selecting stealthy mosquitos to reproduce. + ―bapolex, Nov 2015 +% +I spent my whole childhood wishing I was older. Now I'm older... and it sucks. + ―Tenselevel, Jul 2016 +% +Everyone that you see in the grocery store is buying ingredients for poop. + ―KCG0005, Sep 2014 +% +An entire generation of teenagers who do not know every word to the Fresh +Prince of Bel-Air theme song will soon exist. + ―danhainaut, Oct 2014 +% +I cannot look at a word without reading it. + ―Blooobins, Dec 2014 +% +It’s becoming more socially acceptable to be a marijuana smoker than a +cigarette smoker. + ―Dennis91Eric, Sep 2016 +% +It should be a law that kids have to join the workforce full-time for a few +years before they start high school. If I could have grasped how much working +sucks by the time I was 14 or 15 years old, I would have had a much greater +appreciation for the freedom of high school and college. + ―Frashizzle, Oct 2016 +% +I bet in 1989, when people were watching Back to the Future II and wondering +what 2015 would be like, very few people guessed we'd be getting psyched up +for a new Star Wars movie. + ―thedmandotjp, Apr 2015 +% +Children are a very expensive reminder of that one time you got laid. + ―therapistclown, Jul 2015 +% +When information was difficult to obtain, college was cheap. Now that +information is easy to access, college tuition has skyrocketed. + ―mind_slop, Sep 2015 +% +It's gorgeous outside today. On my drive in to work, I passed a man under the +freeway overpass. No shoes, drink in his hand, talking to himself, watching +the traffic roll by. I walk into my office and sit at my desk, to spend the +rest of the day behind the monitor. Which one of us is really crazy? + ―purenoumena, Jul 2014 +% +When I die, I want my grave to offer free Wifi so that people visit more +often. + ―gwapoworker, Apr 2015 +% +What if homosexuality is a product of evolution and is becoming more prevalent +as the population grows because it acts as a mechanism for preventing the +population from rapidly growing? + ―Arfonz, Aug 2016 +% +If the 'Fresh Prince' had made that shot, there'd be no show. + ―somethingcool-1, Mar 2014 +% +The fact that /r/mildlyinteresting has over 10x subscribers as +/r/interestingasfuck proves the advice of under promising and over delivering. + ―broseidonswrath, Sep 2016 +% +I'd rather overhear a compliment than get one face-to-face. + ―ThurstonHowellIV, Sep 2016 +% +Silence is the only thing that's easier done than said. + ―fluorescentheart, Nov 2015 +% +If five slaves had an orgy in the 1800's, it would be considered a three way. + ―Hunterman75, Aug 2014 +% +Anti vaxxers think it's worse to raise a kid with autism than to let a kid die +of measles + ―SonofBeckett, Jul 2015 +% +Everyone is praising Boyhood for letting us see a child grow up on screen, but +at the same time they're ignoring the fact that Harry Potter did it first, +with an entire cast of children. + ―Lizard_The_Redstoner, Mar 2015 +% +The fact that we have McDonald's in Wal-Mart and Starbucks in Target says a a +lot about the demographics. + ―solisu, Oct 2015 +% +Calling a girl a bitch implies she's being aggressive, but calling a guy a +bitch implies he's being passive. + ―AnneHathawayTitts, Jul 2015 +% +The reason Patrick is so clueless is because he lives under a rock + ―itman290, Sep 2015 +% +Not giving a nickname to your Pokemon is like calling your dog by its breed. + ―yugugy, Nov 2015 +% +The superstition that walking under ladders is bad luck was probably started +by guys who didn't want to get knocked off their ladders. + ―ZarquonsFlatTire, Dec 2015 +% +Lenny ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) was only typed once, and then has been copy and pasted ever +since. + ―ArtWithoutMeaning, Apr 2016 +% +If I had the power to go back in time once, I'd probably save that power like +my rare potions in video games and eventually finish the game without using +it. + ―Not_Not_AnTi, Sep 2016 +% +I am one half centaur. + ―ethanicles7, Feb 2014 +% +"Hot as fuck" and "Cold as fuck" are the same temperature. + ―trillbillyjim, Jul 2016 +% +What if I'm severely retarded but I think I'm a functional human being because +everyone I've ever met has felt sorry for me and treated me as an equal? + ―fantafano, Mar 2014 +% +High IQ can result in the ability to create brilliant justifications for doing +terribly stupid things. + ―Gatorburger, Sep 2015 +% +If Rand Paul were to run for President and select Paul Ryan as his running +mate, their campaign ticket (ex. Obama Biden 2012) would read Paul Ryan +2016. If they went by first names it would be Rand Paul 2016. + ―Walrusmanifacation, Jun 2014 +% +Trees are just backwards lungs. Both functionally, and structurally. + ―Longscope, Sep 2015 +% +why doesn't reddit do a pink nsfw for kinky links and a red one for the messed +up ones + ―esotheric, Dec 2015 +% +I never realized what phenomenal aim Ash Ketchum has with a Pokeball until I +missed hitting a Pidgey 5 times. + ―boredman4, Jul 2016 +% +Growing up playing Monopoly I was lead to believe that there is such a thing +as a bank error in my favor. + ―humansof, Aug 2016 +% +If all previous Presidents were black, Barack Obama would be the first white +President + ―KayzeMSC, Mar 2014 +% +In the 90s there was a huge push to get kids to not talk to strangers. Shortly +after, the internet was created. + ―ARCblooperreddit, Dec 2014 +% +If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would it be called cellfies? + ―VeritableStalker, Feb 2014 +% +If my name was Norman Stein, I'd have a son and name him Frank N. Stein and +strongly urge him to get a PHD. Thereby successfully completing the ultimate +dad joke + ―Mjeck, Feb 2015 +% +When I was a kid, Bart was my hero and Homer was a zero. Now I understand +everything Homer does and Bart is just an annoying smart ass. + ―farmtownte, Jul 2015 +% +An organist is an organism that is an organization of organs playing the +organ. + ―livesinatreehouse, Dec 2013 +% +If we all stop paying for Internet, companies would give it to us for free +because of the loss in profits. Amazon, E-bay, Facebook, Google, + ―spungie, Sep 2015 +% +When my dad shouts at a sport on TV, hes showing his passion for the +sport. When I shout at a video game, i'm an 'angry nerd' + ―Frizzin, Aug 2016 +% +Scooby-Doo taught us that the real monsters always turn out to be humans. + ―OldManWilikers_, Jun 2014 +% +"Condoms Are For Pussies" would be a great pro-condom slogan. + ―johnnybravo1014, Nov 2014 +% +It's called being "broke" because you don't work + ―MidnightAppetite, Mar 2015 +% +Telling someone that changing subjects in a conversation is your fetish would +put them in a very awkward position. + ―muffinpoots, Aug 2015 +% +When I was a child, every time I asked how to spell a word, my parents told me +to look it up in the dictionary. At the time I thought it was some kind of +life lesson. But now, as an adult, I'm pretty sure they just sucked at +spelling. + ―Reignbringer, Dec 2015 +% +If a woman has sex with different men every week, people will make fun of her +vagina being loose from overuse, but no one will make that joke about a woman +who has sex 2-3 times a week with the same man. Apparently variety makes a +vagina lose elasticity. + ―Dreamlite, Sep 2016 +% +If all other humans disappeared, my first indication would not be empty +streets but a standstill of Reddit and Facebook. + ―ha_ya, Oct 2014 +% +Does my doctor have his own doctor? If so, can't I just ask his doctor who HIS +doctor is and so on until I follow the chain to the world's ultimate doctor? + ―XOLegato, Sep 2015 +% +I wonder if I've ever eaten two fruit that grew from the same tree + ―JezzPanda, Nov 2015 +% +Similar to how swimming has a bunch of races using different strokes, track +should have a bunch of races using different running styles. 100 meter crab +walk would definitely grab my attention + ―Ditka69, Aug 2016 +% +Sometimes when I click a link tagged, "NSFW" or "NSFL" and they take more than +a few seconds to load, I click back. I feel like that's the internet's way of +warning to me not to look at whatever it is. + ―crispy_critter, Jun 2015 +% +I've seen more naked ladies than any of the greatest kings of centuries past + ―dogwood81, Jun 2016 +% +There are 8 times a day (am/pm) where the time is sequential: 1:23, 2:34, +3:45, 4:56... and they are each 71 minutes apart.. + ―lowdowndirtyrat, May 2014 +% +"Well, I never" is the posh, old-timey version of "I can't even" + ―redrobotmx, Feb 2015 +% +The poops of tomorrow are in the mouths of today. + ―elfboy, Apr 2015 +% +There should be a subreddit where you post a photo of your mother and father, +and state your gender. Then, like PhotoshopBattles, people can try and make +mashups to guess what you look like. + ―natef34, Jan 2016 +% +If a homeless person were to be placed under house arrest, would he be free to +go any where he wants? + ―Cmille19, Jul 2014 +% +A pun is like an inside joke for an entire language. + ―craznhorse, Feb 2016 +% +There was an alien invasion of the moon in 1969. + ―[deleted], May 2014 +% +Why don't wheelchairs have pedals for when your arms get tired? + ―SneakyNinja76, Apr 2015 +% +Being completely naked feels less naked than being naked with shoes on. + ―rcivie925, May 2016 +% +If I were gay, I'd only date guys my size, so we could share clothes. + ―DarkwingDuc, Feb 2015 +% +Spiderman would be way less cool if he wasn't living in a city full of +skyscrapers. + ―Ravedog12, Aug 2015 +% +It took me 23 years to realize that "be there or be square" is because you're +not a-round. + ―kraaayzie, Feb 2015 +% +There should be a movie character that appears in different movies but keeps +the same appearance and name ,whilst having their own story line, like an +easter egg + ―User261, Apr 2015 +% +That "No Alcohol Beyond This Point" might as well say, "Bet you can't chug +that whole beer" + ―krustic13, Sep 2015 +% +The Olympics should be held in one place forever so they only have to pay +maintenance costs to keep it up to standards. And it should outside of any +nation, similar to Vatican City. + ―19sban, Jul 2016 +% +Its okay to say that you hate people, but not a specific kind of people. + ―Mutant_Llama1, Oct 2016 +% +If you watch Weezer's "Buddy Holly" video, you are experiencing 1990s +nostalgia about 1970s nostalgia about 1950s nostalgia. + ―elliosenor, Sep 2014 +% +When I was 12 I thought 18 year olds looked 30. Today at 30 I think 18 year +olds look 12. + ―FreddyMcCurry, Dec 2015 +% +The entire internet can be used to talk about the Amish behind their backs + ―ImDefinitelyNotTupac, May 2016 +% +/r/meatball would be a meatball sub + ―BusuB, Aug 2014 +% +If I shout out "GOD IS GREAT!" right now on this packed subway I may get some +strange looks. If I shout out "GOD IS GREAT!" in Arabic however I may cause a +panic and get arrested. + ―HardToPeeMidasTouch, Nov 2015 +% +If I have my dogs ball cut off, I'm a responsible pet owner, but if I cut off +the balls o my unemployed brother who has 6 kids who he can't provide for I'm +suddenly a criminal + ―CosbysSleepyTimeTea, Aug 2015 +% +I wonder how many "Netflix and chill" babies have been born so far. + ―havocjewel, Jul 2015 +% +A dead person should be referred to as a "human been" instead of a "human +being" + ―daKing333, Aug 2015 +% +Being in love is the easiest way to have sex with the most beautiful woman in +the world. + ―Rancidrs, Jun 2015 +% +The division sign ÷ represents a fraction where the dots are numbers + ―butthurtflyy, Nov 2015 +% +You should be able to tag a snapchat nsfw when you send it, so the person who +gets if knows if they can open it in public or not + ―ajibajiba, Oct 2014 +% +I see kids at my college driving $60,000 cars yet earlier today I used +quarters to buy gas. + ―TheFatherload, Sep 2016 +% +The "forgot your password" pages on websites should include their criteria on +special characters, capital letters, etc. + ―buzzfeed_journalist, Jan 2016 +% +It's like England had three sons, America rebelled as a teen and started a +band that saw great success, Canada was the good kid that became a doctor, and +Australia was the problem child with a drug problem that moved away and ended +up in rehab but has now turned his life around. + ―House90, Aug 2016 +% +Canada and the US should just combine their independence days into one +four-day binge drinking, fireworks, and bbq bonanza. + ―chemsagem, Jul 2016 +% +Beef Jerky is like a meat raisin. + ―Inita_Life, Oct 2014 +% +Does anyone know what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, or are we +all just taking their word for it and telling others? + ―quan_Tik, Dec 2014 +% +Facebook is like the tiny town you grew up in and always wanted to escape, +while Reddit is like NYC and it's noisy and you're anonymous. + ―lafeedingue, Feb 2016 +% +I feel like I'm the charismatic leader of a cult my dogs are in. + ―Grizzlyhorse, Oct 2015 +% +Apple stores are better than Microsoft stores because the most expert and +passionate Apple users work there, whereas the most passionate and expert +Microsoft users have real tech jobs. + ―thegreatestajax, Aug 2015 +% +If you're going to kill yourself, hire a hit man to do it. It will be exciting +to get chased for awhile. + ―freerangestrange, Aug 2016 +% +8 Mile is the only movie where everyone actively roots for the white guy to +prevail over all the black characters. + ―falfasfsasaffsa, Sep 2016 +% +Our heart is a muscle that takes a lifetime to get tired. + ―Shurebis, Dec 2013 +% +Prince William and the royal babies sounds like a euphamism for your dick and +balls. + ―BITCHES_DIG_KARMA, May 2015 +% +Making fun of overweight people at the gym is like making fun of an alcoholic +trying to go to rehab + ―Plato43, Sep 2016 +% +Reality has made The Onion almost obsolete these past few months + ―ExpOriental, Oct 2016 +% +A bra is a booby trap + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +As I get older, birthday parties are less about presents and more about +presence. + ―MasterKoga, Oct 2015 +% +All of my friends are getting married, and I'm still trying to get over the +fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature. + ―patrioticmurica, Feb 2015 +% +Reddit is the opposite of Facebook. Reddit is people you don't know posting +things you care about. Facebook is people you know posting things you don't +care about. + ―thratty, Sep 2016 +% +40 years from now, people in retirement homes will probably play videogames +instead of bingo + ―puzzle_button, Jun 2016 +% +Bill Gates should change his name to Trill Gates if he becomes a trillionaire. + ―MrMickouskey, May 2016 +% +Without life, the universe would never have known it existed. + ―BlackPresident, May 2014 +% +Someone should start an uber-like service just with pick up trucks to help +move beds or pick up big packages. + ―yestopoopjokes, Aug 2016 +% +1-3 and 1,2,3 sounds the same and means the same. + ―Raegonex, May 2015 +% +"Netflix and Chill" used to actually work before everybody gave it a name + ―danyolo10, Dec 2015 +% +Being trapped in a room of Helium would be a dark yet very comedic way to die. + ―Ukajman, Jul 2016 +% +If my wife would get dressed as fast as she used to when her parents came home +early, we would never be late to dinner. + ―nuggsgalore, Jul 2016 +% +If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make +something easier for everyone else they call you a genius. + ―Bottenbig, Feb 2015 +% +I wish that YouTube had a "I don't want to see this video ever again." button. + ―JoV1, Oct 2016 +% +The opposite of an island is a lake. + ―TwinTesla, Sep 2014 +% +"My entire life has led up to this moment" is always true. + ―NoIntroductionNeeded, Jan 2014 +% +Every time I put on my seat belt while driving, I am basically wearing a 2 +ton, turbocharged, speed suit that helps me accelerate to 60 mph in under 6 +seconds. + ―SwitchBlade430, Oct 2014 +% +You should be able to scan the barcode of books you already own and get an +ebook version for free. + ―BasrieI, Jan 2015 +% +Anyone who thinks that the word "dude" is not a gender-neutral pronoun is +probably taking life too seriously. + ―TheOtherScottishOgre, Jul 2015 +% +As a California resident, I could save some water by thinking less in the +shower + ―colinexl, Oct 2015 +% +I am 136 - 0 for not finding a dead prostitute in the hotel rooms I've rented +in my life. + ―SelfMadeSoul, Nov 2014 +% +When Kanye retires, he should release "Kanye's Greatest Hits", an album +containing every song he's ever released on it + ―embiidlejuice, Jun 2016 +% +In the original "Dracula" movie from 1931, Dracula and Van Helsing are played +by Bela Lugosi and Edward Van Sloan. So their names are..."Bela" and "Edward". + ―themightyheptagon, Aug 2015 +% +I use Twitter to talk to people I wish I knew, Facebook to talk to people I +wish I didn't know, and Reddit to talk to people I don't know + ―Grammor___Natsee, Nov 2015 +% +The opposite of Chevy Chase is Ford Escape. + ―NotFunnyAlreadyTaken, Dec 2014 +% +Being ugly is cool, because then you know people like you for your personality + ―CXV_, Sep 2015 +% +In the near future, most grandparents will be way better at video games than +their grandchildren due to sheer experience. + ―cooterbreath, Jul 2016 +% +To date, I still haven't heard a better version of Hallelujah than the one on +the Shrek soundtrack. + ―NotSoCheezyReddit, Oct 2016 +% +After watching 'Toy Story' as a chid, I used to feel guilty when I played with +some toys more than others + ―PointiusAtThePilate, Mar 2016 +% +If you choose to take an online IQ test, and the result is, "Your score has +been generated and can be accessed for only $19.99", your IQ probably isn't +exceptionally high. + ―jai_kasavin, May 2016 +% +If Jimmy John's wanted to open an upscale version of their restaurant, they +could call it "James Johnathan's." + ―Sir_Dude, Mar 2014 +% +In the word, "Eight," the only letter you pronounce properly is the "t." + ―president_of_derp, Sep 2014 +% +I wonder how many girls I would have been interested in have checked me out +and I've just walked away oblivious? + ―Echoes_and_madness, Jul 2014 +% +McDonald's should use girl scout cookies in its Mcflurry's. It would raise a +lot of money for the girl scouts of the USA and taste delicious! + ―mintOx, Feb 2015 +% +If we legalize marijuana around the world, we will enter the Dank Age. + ―peckerbrown, Sep 2015 +% +I would love to watch a Romcom where the fiancé is a great guy, the deadbeat +guy who tries to steal the girl away is just a dead beat, she doesn't cheat on +her fiancé, the wedding goes well, and they live happily ever after. + ―RainbowTuba, Mar 2016 +% +There should be a system where you send companies proof that you purchased +their product, and then you don't have to watch their commercials anymore. + ―Bavles, Nov 2015 +% +There is a teenager in Italy who masturbated for the first time in his/her +life just before the earthquake started. He low-key believes it was because of +his own degenerate self. + ―iamalbus, Aug 2016 +% +Toddlers and Tiaras seems like it's both a prequel and sequel to 16 and +Pregnant + ―trep88, Sep 2014 +% +The USA doesn't have a name for their country. They just use a description and +a vague location. + ―chazhutton, Oct 2015 +% +The only time I press the caps lock key intentionally, is to turn it off when +I pressed it by accident. + ―EatsRice, Mar 2016 +% +Why are the words "shampoo" and "conditioner" the hardest ones to find on the +bottle? + ―JackFleck, Mar 2016 +% +Your capability is literally the cap to your ability + ―MrAw3som3, Mar 2015 +% +The day is already 33% complete at 8:00 AM + ―karma_is_for_nerds, Apr 2016 +% +Apple is vain enough to capitalize Apple in my texts because they always think +I'm talking about them and couldn't possibly be referencing the fruit humans +have been eating for thousands of years. + ―T4lk_N3rdy_2_M3, Jan 2015 +% +Youtube should have an "audio only" option (for lectures, music etc) to save +bandwidth + ―skurk, Jan 2015 +% +This time next month it'll be March. + ―PowerMac_G4, Jan 2014 +% +My cats are virgins that never leave the house and make someone else bring +them food. My cats are neckbeards. + ―SHINX_FUCKER, Aug 2015 +% +If you're ever insecure about your body, just remember: pornhub wouldn't keep +its BBW category if it wasn't making them money + ―herbe01, Dec 2015 +% +So many people die every day that we've never actually checked to make sure +that the sun would rise without a human sacrifice. + ―darthjebus211, Apr 2016 +% +No matter when the world ends, there will be an unlucky kid somewhere just +about to get his first blowjob. + ―Fionnland, Nov 2015 +% +We will know when gay culture is fully accepted when rappers rap about their +gay boyfriends. + ―old-mac-and-cheese, Apr 2016 +% +If [deleted] had a user page, it'd probably be the most entertaining read on +all of reddit. + ―corey_m_snow, Jun 2015 +% +A swear jar is literally a jar of fucks given. + ―TinyPlaidNinjas, Aug 2015 +% +Maybe they're the main character because they don't die instead of not dying +because they're the main character + ―Xaphrine, Oct 2016 +% +There should be an app like tinder but for jobs. Like hey you have 42 jobs +that meet your qualifications near you. Then the company can swipe left for +awful applications. + ―CIRCLJERK_REPOST_BOT, Aug 2016 +% +This is the most engaged America has been in a debate about color in a long +time + ―herrinfold, Feb 2015 +% +It should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife in Paintball + ―pemorio, Sep 2015 +% +If bud light was part of the box tops program, my kid's school would have a +planetarium and a hockey team. + ―secret-clouds, Mar 2015 +% +Snape was so obsessed with getting the Defense Against the Dark Arts job +because he knew it would be Harry's most important class, and wanted to teach +him personally + ―Azmek, Aug 2015 +% +If I had a dollar for every time a person over 40 said my generation sucks, +I'd have enough money to buy a house in the economy they ruined. + ―fr4gnetic, Oct 2016 +% +Morgan Freeman's voice sounds even better in his own head. + ―tigastyle, Apr 2014 +% +If Satan punishes the bad guys, doesn't that make him a good guy? + ―KarmaticArmageddon, Aug 2014 +% +I wonder how many couples will find out they both have Ashley Madison +accounts. + ―DeezNeezuts, Aug 2015 +% +Half of 8 is 4. Half of 8 is also 3. Half of 8 can also be 0 + ―LMN-er, Jul 2014 +% +Tobacco companies kill their best customers + ―Akshaaay, Jul 2016 +% +Having a favorite color turned out to be less important than I expected as a +child. + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +If you don't choose to have a kid,you are at the end of a 4 billion year old +chemical process that finally just said "screw it". + ―loveyouAmerica, Aug 2016 +% +Profanity has become so common in my vocabulary that I now express my outrage +by refraining from using it + ―AbbaZaba16, Oct 2016 +% +I've raided more tombs in Skyrim than I have in Tomb Raider + ―JustAnotherScott, Nov 2015 +% +If I was a school teacher, I'd intentionally use memes incorrectly, just to +drive the little shits crazy + ―GutturalPatois, Jan 2016 +% +If cats ran society, catnip might be an illegal drug; If they had pet humans, +they might buy marijuana to watch us get wonky. + ―RVAR4R, Apr 2016 +% +Alocohol should be served in Capri-Sun styled pouches; when you can't get the +straw through the hole anymore, you've had enough. + ―Dylan8932, Oct 2016 +% +If you're 1 in a million, then there's 7,125 people exactly like you. + ―pogopenis, Sep 2014 +% +What if as a show of good faith toward North Korea, Seth Rogen and James +Franco visit North Korea to apologize to Kim Jong Un in person, only to +assassinate him like the plot of their movie The Interview? + ―cryofalcon, Dec 2014 +% +Why do we even have gender deodorants, if I'm a grown ass man and I want to +smell like Cocoa Butter Kisses, fuck it I will. + ―BudMasterMcSwagatron, Oct 2015 +% +I can't decide if people who wear pyjamas in public have given up on life or +are living it to the fullest. + ―FourWordReplies, Aug 2016 +% +All us reddit users are just like children sitting awkwardly at the dinner +table while their parents fight. + ―krlidz, Jul 2015 +% +"Sweater" is kind of a gross name for a piece of clothing + ―luckytopher, Feb 2016 +% +Say in public that you had sex and people will think that you're weird. Say in +public that you're pregnant and people will congratulate you. + ―Elvith, Feb 2016 +% +I can't look at a word without reading it + ―kazg24, Apr 2016 +% +Clickbait writers should be sentenced to read an entire novel, spread out such +that each sentence is on a separate page, located underneath a picture of a +celebrity. + ―Swibblestein, Sep 2016 +% +The mirror may well be the most photographed object this century. + ―Nizuno, Oct 2014 +% +Subway should not have had such a catchy jingle about 5 dollar footlongs, +because now their 6 dollar footlongs seem like a rip off.... + ―Nevercastor, Mar 2016 +% +30 years ago, My parents were horrified that my sister was a lesbian but it +was okay that she smoked. Today I'm horrified that my daughter smokes but its +fine if she's gay. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +Every time you feel thirsty or hungry, it's your body letting you know that +you're beginning to die + ―meetmeintheuniverse, Sep 2013 +% +People don't like it when you share your opinion. They only like when you +share their opinion. + ―FundyM, Sep 2016 +% +For those born on November 22, 1989 you have a special birthday in the year +2033. Why? On 11/22/33 you're turning 44. + ―MeatMeAfterClass, Nov 2015 +% +It's actually pretty likely that I'll be in physical vicinity of one of you in +real life but neither of us will have any idea that we had this brief +connection on the internet. + ―damn_dats_racist, Nov 2015 +% +"Act naturally" is an oxymoron. + ―taiyang88, Jan 2014 +% +Luis Suarez should do one of those "You're not you when you're hungry" +Snickers commercials + ―LosPineapples, Jun 2014 +% +The more adventuring a knight does, the more banged up his armor gets. So if +you get rescued by a knight in shining armor, you probably got rescued by a +really shitty knight. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +Have you ever thought about the significance of a father calling his kid a +"little squirt"? + ―adamdavenport, Sep 2015 +% +Snapchat should have a NSFW tag you can check so you don't open nudes in +public + ―karmadonationcenter, Sep 2015 +% +The numbers, in alphabetical order, go 8549176320 + ―UnregisteredSarcasm, Aug 2016 +% +We think of Alcohol Smugglers during the Prohibition period differently than +we do our neighborhood drug dealer, but they essentially have done the exact +same thing. + ―ChootinNPootin, Jan 2016 +% +If the "Six Million Dollar Man" show were set in the present day, instead of a +bionic man it would just be a guy that had two knee replacements. + ―keeperofthedingo, Oct 2016 +% +Sriracha is becoming the pumpkin spice of hot sauces. + ―DangoDC, Nov 2015 +% +The moral of "The Tortoise and the Hair" folktale is "slow and steady wins the +race," but it should really just be "don't be cocky". + ―mantha_ray, Aug 2016 +% +When I first joined reddit and say a red envelope, I thought 'Oh cool, a +conversation', now all I think is that I'm being yelled at for whatever I +posted earlier. + ―TheCreamySmooth, Aug 2015 +% +"The server just went down on me" has very different meaning in an IT office +than it does in a restaurant + ―Snaeblooc, Sep 2015 +% +As a student, there is nothing better than finally finishing a project, then +being able to close out all of the tabs in my browser related to that project. + ―YisThatUsernameTaken, May 2016 +% +Cyber Monday is the perfect day to unsubscribe from all unwanted marketing +emails because you'll be emailed by every single one of them. + ―messinwitcha12, Nov 2015 +% +Every public bathroom toilet should have a foot pedal to flush instead of a +handle. + ―Xx-Arseus-xX, Jul 2016 +% +I go on Reddit in the morning to see if there's anything serious happening in +the world, because I know if I see "this tomato looks like a duck" on the +front page- everything must be okay. + ―DownvotesWanted, Aug 2016 +% +"I tagged your sister on a post" would sound pretty offense 20 years ago. + ―sonoframbo17, Apr 2016 +% +You spend your entire childhood being told not to talk to strangers but as an +adult its one of the most important things you have to do. + ―irrigated_liver, Sep 2015 +% +The Chinese should name a city 'USA' so they can label their products 'Made in +USA'. + ―soylent_night, Oct 2015 +% +The prehistoric men, the ones who discovered fire, who migrated across Earth, +forming the civilizations and technology we have today, are invariably some of +the most important historical figures, and we will never know their names. + ―ANAL_DOG_LICKER, Dec 2015 +% +What if Walmart was as poorly lit as Hollister. + ―WIDE_OPEN_BEAVERS, Jul 2013 +% +If I punch myself in the face and it hurts...does that make me weak or strong? + ―DerkERRJobs, Nov 2013 +% +When my laptop is plugged in and I'm using headphones there is essentially a +continuous string of wires/technology connecting my body to some power plant +miles away. + ―logeypierogie, Mar 2015 +% +What if Breaking Bad was just an elaborate cover up to produce tons of meth? + ―psyclone2772, May 2015 +% +As a programmer, my job is to explain to machines what humans want them to do. + ―Obvious0ne, Dec 2015 +% +Cars can drive themselves, phones are voice activated, and I can pay for +groceries with my phone-- but elevators still don't have a "cancel" button. + ―tylerwcdurden, Jul 2016 +% +The Simpsons had a better Under the Dome story than Under the Dome. + ―Hollyw0od, Jan 2016 +% +We are expected to do our jobs as if we don't have children and at the same +time raise our children as if we don't have jobs. + ―GreatBrilliance, Jul 2016 +% +Deaf hipsters are the ultimate hipsters because they're into things even they +haven't heard about. + ―pepsi502, Sep 2015 +% +It's still illegal to do butt sex in some states. Some gay men can't even +consummate their marriage. Poor bastards. + ―thezealousy, Jun 2015 +% +Dildo factories probably don't have "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." + ―Desecr8or, Apr 2016 +% +Snapchat's motto on the app store is "Life's more fun when you live in the +moment :)" which is the exact opposite of what happens when you use the app. + ―capresesalads, Oct 2016 +% +If your rapping career ever falls through, you can always be the guy on +medicine commercials who lists the side effects + ―DownvoteCommaSplices, Aug 2015 +% +If we ever send the first 'Avengers' film up in a space probe we should +categorise it as a 'documentary' so that if aliens ever find it, they would +assume we have a team of bad-ass superheros guarding the Earth against alien +invasions. + ―ChippieTheGreat, Aug 2015 +% +Why does every one associate Satan with heavy metal? For all we know, he might +like smooth jazz + ―AMVRocks, Aug 2016 +% +YouTube ads aren't getting me to watch more ads. They're just getting me to +watch less YouTube. + ―shuddertostink, Nov 2014 +% +Learn to distinguish between a person who talks to you in their free time +& a person who frees time to talk to you + ―Dr_Edge_ATX, Jun 2016 +% +Everything i have ever lost, is somewhere + ―Mandarinaman, Mar 2015 +% +Dog food can say it's any flavor it wants, it's not like you're going to test +it. + ―alexjrfire88, Oct 2016 +% +The Jackass crew should get together for a Christmas special where they +recreate the traps from Home Alone 1 & 2. + ―whoasettastoned, Jan 2016 +% +The last day of the Olympics should be all the gold medalists playing dodge +ball until we have an ultimate champion. + ―scarstruck4, Aug 2016 +% +'xXx' starring Vin Diesel is the hardest movie to pirate. + ―BigTimeYeahhh, Sep 2014 +% +Links go purple after you visit them because blue and "read" make purple. + ―hillai, May 2014 +% +Now 26, I've realized the first place I look at when I see a woman now is her +left ring finger + ―archlorddhami, Dec 2015 +% +Why do they offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like +you're fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail. + ―DallieCavis, Sep 2014 +% +For April Fool's Day, HowToBasic should upload a video where he tidily +prepares a genuine meal + ―Knifty_, Feb 2015 +% +Ice Cube rapped about how he opposes the police, but now he is always a cop or +law enforcement of some kind in the movies. + ―KamikazeeDolphin, Jan 2016 +% +Since taking my smartphone to the toilet, I know much less about my shampoo +ingredients + ―meurl, Sep 2016 +% +Stranger Things had to be set in the 80s because half their problems could +have been solved if everyone had a cell phone. + ―SaraBellum42, Oct 2016 +% +My Mom says that I'm growing up to be just like my Dad, but they've been +divorced for over 25 years... Is she secretly telling me that she hates me? + ―My_Pockets_Hurt_, Feb 2016 +% +If the Curiosity rover has a Twitter account it should also have Reddit +account where it can post mars-themed TILs + ―Randomd0g, Mar 2015 +% +Female masturbation is more taboo than male masturbation; yet male sex toys +are much more taboo than female ones. + ―moker49, Mar 2016 +% +Being unique is so common that twins are interesting to us. + ―imtoosly, Jun 2015 +% +As a twenty-something. I have no concept of what my parents were like at my +age. My future children however will have gigabytes of evidence of what I was +like. + ―Phatang, Sep 2016 +% +If I were to be diagnosed with cancer, I would cut off all my long hair before +beginning chemo and have a wig made from my own hair. + ―Bunkydoo, Nov 2014 +% +"Do it like they do on the Discovery channel" now means people should gather +at abandoned storage units and bid on them. + ―Brelya, Aug 2015 +% +If I drank enough water, my piss would be cleaner than the tap water in Flint, +MI + ―Beni5870, Feb 2016 +% +"Chewing" and "eating" are very similar things, but "getting chewed out" and +"getting eaten out" are very different. + ―atthem77, Sep 2015 +% +Star Wars has basically done the opposite of product placement. Instead of +real life brands creeping in to the film, the film has crept in to every brand +in real life. + ―Nallenbot, Dec 2015 +% +They should make a lesbian version of grindr called scissr + ―THAT_WAS_TITS, Apr 2015 +% +I have no way of knowing how many things I've forgotten that I said I'll never +forget. + ―I_Am_Only_O_of_Ruin, Mar 2016 +% +The U.S. should substitute a National Voting Day as a Federal Holiday in place +of Columbus Day as a Federal Holiday. + ―winnietheshitt, Apr 2016 +% +Sometimes when I post on Reddit I feel like that outsider in a group of really +good friends just trying to fit in... + ―MarkJohn73, Oct 2016 +% +Reddit should have a no USA day where posts concerning the US are banned, +letting us see what's going on in the rest of the world more clearly. + ―off-and-on, Nov 2014 +% +Fallout 4 should have a Catmeat companion that doesn't follow any commands and +occasionally sits in front of terminals while you're trying to use them. + ―WhatInSe7enHells, Nov 2015 +% +Goats are like gift cards for 3rd world countries. + ―Browsing_From_Work, Feb 2014 +% +If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see +through everything and actually see nothing? + ―literaldickhead, Jun 2014 +% +When Nicki Minaj says "I've got a big, fat ass" at the end of "Anaconda," it's +a TL;DR for the lyrics. + ―boysaredumb, May 2015 +% +Instead of creating shit like the Apple Watch, Apple should develop a phone +that could survive being dropped without the use of a $60 case. + ―EGBallislife, Jul 2015 +% +The United States now has several territories paying taxes without receiving +federal representation - exactly the reason we rebelled against England. + ―TheyCallMeBrewKid, Jan 2016 +% +Charlie Sheen having AIDS is like hearing Snoop Dogg failed a drug test. + ―telephototulip, Nov 2015 +% +Tom had to be the dumbest if he got a whole new level of foolery named after +him. + ―CommissionerSnakes, Jul 2016 +% +Michael Jackson simultaneously blurred the line between black and white, man +and woman, and grown-up and child. + ―meatfred, Aug 2015 +% +The lyrics, "It's the end of the world as we know it" use two prononciations +of "the" in the same line. + ―Montaverde, Oct 2016 +% +No matter how many kids are waiting to see Santa, you can't open up another +line with a second Santa + ―GeekOutHuntsville, Dec 2014 +% +I wonder how many times I've died playing online games and ended up on someone +else's Youtube montage video. + ―Fear_ltself, Oct 2015 +% +I will be the last person to die in my lifetime. + ―NakedBeauty38, Aug 2016 +% +A significant amount of people are going to fuck cups for the first time +today. + ―WhoseDickIsItAnyway, Jan 2016 +% +My imaginary friend has a real friend. + ―Elijah6053, Jan 2016 +% +Getting married at 21 is like leaving the party at 9:15 pm + ―3much4u, Dec 2015 +% +They just discovered sharks around Greenland that have been swimming non-stop +for longer than the US has been a country. + ―punchymango, Aug 2016 +% +We can no longer tell children they're like 'a broken record' because they +won't understand. Instead, we have to tell them they are 'acting like a +glitch' when they continuously repeat themselves. + ―nyneve, Dec 2014 +% +Underwear should be sold in packs of seven... + ―Smokester_, Jun 2015 +% +The letter B in the word "subtle" is doing a nice job of it. + ―seaweed_is_cool, Sep 2015 +% +Premarital sex isn't really premarital sex if you don't get married + ―Usernameless_, Jun 2016 +% +Reading is just staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating + ―IgnUnbeknownst, Jun 2016 +% +20 years ago, high schools put wrecked cars out front to remind students to +never drink and drive. Today it's to remind them to never text and drive. 20 +years from now, it will be to remind them to never drive (and to let the car +drive itself) + ―phoonie98, Oct 2016 +% +Caffeine is the only drug I'm addicted to, but my nation's drug policy tries +to convince me that my occasional use of marijuana and LSD are the real +problem. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +Walmart and others should offer a live stream on Black Fridays of their stores +for people to watch as entertainment! + ―LeAngryBadger, Nov 2014 +% +The only difference between a regular dot and a polka-dot, is the absence or +presence of other dots + ―Meatman2013, Mar 2016 +% +The worst thing about 'Suicide Squad' will be the influx of people thinking +Harley Quinn and the Joker are 'relationship goals.' + ―Super-Sheep, Aug 2016 +% +If you are "God fearing" and believe God loves you... that sounds like an +abusive relationship. + ―sparkswillfly1, Oct 2014 +% +March 4th is the only date that is a sentence. + ―Ihategoldenrods, Mar 2015 +% +If I was born after nine months, and an hour before me, a premature baby was +born after seven-and-a-half months, they would be older than me despite +existing for a shorter period of time. + ―Renegade917, Oct 2015 +% +Forget "slow and steady wins the race." The real moral of The Tortoise and the +Hare is that talent and skill are useless if you're lazy, irresponsible and +arrogant + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +My dog is an organic doorbell with only 10% accuracy. + ―BrosefMcDude, Aug 2016 +% +The acronym of "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee" is "Flab Slab" + ―benji9t3, Mar 2014 +% +Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you. You feel more paranoid than +protected? + ―bbttrraann, Sep 2014 +% +The blood you donated could possibly be another male's erection right now. + ―AnalStain, Jun 2015 +% +We live in a world where trained cops can panic & act on impulse, but +untrained civilians must remain calm with a gun in their face. + ―emilNYC, Sep 2016 +% +Dating Apps like Tinder should partner with bars/restaurants and offer +incentives such as a free drink or free appetizer if the two people meet at +that place. People would me more inclined to actually meet up and +bars/restaurants would receive increased publicity and more customers. + ―swaggerstein1, Jan 2015 +% +If I could suddenly breathe underwater it would probably take me a LONG time +to find out. + ―soucy666, Sep 2016 +% +If "sword" was a dirty word, it might be referred to as the "s-word". + ―PaintedCeiling, Dec 2013 +% +In the future buying a manual car won't be buying a car that has a manual +transmission. It will be buying a car that isn't self driving. + ―Scuba_Steve93, Feb 2015 +% +If I was granted 50% off on every purchase I make for the rest of my life, I'd +probably just end up with twice as much crap instead of more money in the +bank. + ―percival526, Jul 2016 +% +I'd never buy a used mattress, but sleeping in a hotel doesn't bother me at +all. + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +God bless public restrooms with paper towels instead of those blow thingys + ―NomisNairda, Mar 2016 +% +Pixar's Cars is literally a car toon + ―jammesor, Nov 2013 +% +There should be an app where I can enter in my eyeglass prescription and the +screen will adjust so that I don't need to wear my glasses when using my +device. + ―dougmacphisto1, Jul 2014 +% +If you were to miss school because of Hypothermia, You would literally be too +cool for school. + ―LaylaAintHome, Dec 2014 +% +I wonder who the lowest level employee is at Area 51 + ―helpnxt, Aug 2016 +% +"In case of contact with eyes" warning labels will probably be hardest to read +when I most need them + ―xeio87, Sep 2016 +% +I should install switches on my car's dash that don't do anything. When +someone gets in my car I'll look them dead in the eye and say "Buckle up." +I'll start flipping switches in what appears to be a purposeful order, then +I'll drive like a grandma while avoiding any conversation about the switches. + ―xlShadylx, Sep 2015 +% +The Great Wall of China was intended to keep foreigners out of the +country. Now, as a tourist destination, it's used to bring foreigners into the +country. + ―Tinfoil_Haberdashery, Nov 2015 +% +Hard drive recovery will be a valuable skill for future archaeologists. + ―infamous4chanhacker, Sep 2016 +% +During a full moon, we only see half the moon. + ―Xerc0, Dec 2014 +% +Gay people dress so well because they've been in the closet so long. + ―webster2086, Mar 2015 +% +You only have problems if you care. + ―kries_, Jan 2014 +% +I wonder how many of this generation's dads will leave to go buy vape pens and +never come back. + ―Search_ShaggieTv, Sep 2015 +% +If there was a first person Daredevil video game it probably wouldn't sell +very well. + ―HailToTheThief225, Mar 2016 +% +If my dream girl exists, I’ll never meet her because she prefers to chill at +home. + ―Patrick52Andrew, Sep 2016 +% +Hair dressers should only be allowed to decorate their salons with pictures of +people with haircuts THEY did. + ―Quothefool, Aug 2015 +% +I wonder if people on new years day in the year 3000 will be freaking out that +it's the year Fry from Futurama comes back + ―Hcoug, Oct 2015 +% +If I ate nothing but butterflies, I would probably significally increase the +average number of butterflies eaten per person. + ―Peefy, Jun 2015 +% +An onion forces you to cry over it's dead body. + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +I just realized there hasn't been any big 'End of The Whole World' hype this +year good job everyone + ―Concani, Dec 2014 +% +In 2020 it's going to be 420 for a whole month + ―andrew_s_21, Oct 2016 +% +Porn sites should partner with dating sites, track your kinks, and match you +with people who are into the same things. + ―autopornbot, Jun 2015 +% +Some poor kid in 'Air Bud' got cut from the team to make room for the dog + ―dodgingwrenches, Jul 2015 +% +I wish there was an app that could connect you with people that look exactly +like you. + ―WordsRLikeBullets, Feb 2014 +% +All of Aladdin was a story told by the merchant to get us to buy a worthless +lamp. + ―Orangeheart59, Jul 2014 +% +If you got fired from your job at the unemployment office, you'd still have to +go to work the next day. + ―nhwoodsblues, Jan 2015 +% +If I ever ran into Kanye I'd pretend to be oblivious and ask him to take a +picture of me. + ―takereasygreasy, Oct 2015 +% +The only reason I'm watching the debate tonight is so I understand late night +comedy later this week and weekend + ―mattyboi4216, Oct 2016 +% +Church is the worst book club I have ever been to. + ―dvieu, Sep 2014 +% +I procrastinate way too much on reddit when i should be playing computer games + ―twelvedogs, Jan 2016 +% +My personal email is used 1% for email, 99% for logging into things. + ―I_Gets_The_Reference, Mar 2016 +% +Opening a door for someone and that person then opening the 2nd inside door +for you is the most instantaneous positive karma return. + ―ancientmelodies, Sep 2016 +% +They should make a Jurassic Park film where everyone turns up to the park and +enjoys the dinosaurs safely and then returns home to submit positive online +reviews + ―autonova3, Jun 2015 +% +"Never odd or even" is "Never odd or even" read backwards. + ―vignesh1230, Feb 2015 +% +I wonder if women who go into labor tomorrow will find it funny. + ―Plesk8, Sep 2015 +% +If you weighed 99 pounds and you ate 1 pound of bacon, you'd be 1% bacon. + ―TheRyanMcNeil, May 2014 +% +Porn sites should end in .cum instead of .com + ―InsomniacFan, May 2014 +% +The Dalai Lama is so at peace and relaxed because he doesn't have to worry +about rent, a depressing job, family drama, where his next meal is coming from +and many other day-to-day worries which effect the majority of people on the +planet + ―mrstody, Nov 2015 +% +What Orwell failed to predict was that we'd buy the cameras ourselves, and our +biggest fear would be that nobody was watching. + ―AcoupleofIrishfolk, May 2016 +% +Some women are world famous for being beautiful. I see women more beautiful +than them in real life all the time. + ―kippylongstocking, Aug 2016 +% +I hope my dog never realizes that I'm full of bones + ―football_monkey, Sep 2016 +% +Aperture Science is an allegory for Valve. They had an early, massive, +innovative success, but are now so concerned about testing their product and +making it absolutely perfect that they'll never release anything new. + ―AStrayLamia, Dec 2015 +% +While a picture may be worth a thousand words, a movie is usually only worth +half of a book. + ―WiggyWare, Mar 2015 +% +I piss and moan about spending $0.99 on an app for the rest of my phone's +life, but don't think twice about adding guac for $1.95 on one burrito + ―gotjoseph37, Jul 2015 +% +You may have accidentally set a random, bizarre world record but didn't +realize it + ―Ariaxiz, Apr 2016 +% +I wonder if uTorrent realises that you can download uTorrent Pro using the +normal uTorrent. + ―hatterkiller, Jun 2016 +% +All polls are biased towards people who are willing to take polls + ―Risemack, Sep 2016 +% +It's depressing that we live in a time when I can see a child freezing and +looking miserable walking to school but I can't offer a ride without fear of +potentially being labeled a creep or worse. + ―PretendProphet, Jan 2016 +% +If the nice ladies messaging me on porn websites know what town I'm in, I +shouldn't have to tell accuweather my zip code every time I want to check the +forecast + ―Stripedpajamas, Nov 2014 +% +The internet "sluts" doing porn have positively impacted more lives than most +people ever will. + ―Mistrelvous, May 2014 +% +There should be a mission in the next GTA game where you show up to a drug +deal, it goes exactly as planned, and then the mission just ends with everyone +getting what they wanted. + ―hopdevil93, Dec 2015 +% +Telling someone you shouldn't be sad because other people have it worse than +you is like telling someone they can't be happy because someone else is +happier than them. + ―AHurriedDog, Jul 2016 +% +My father was a proud dad when he taught me how to write. I was a proud son +when I taught my dad how to text. + ―Shoelesshobos, Oct 2016 +% +The best high school teachers act like college professors. The worst college +professors act like high school teachers. + ―Rolk17, Aug 2015 +% +If Kanye runs for President in 2020 and wins, Taylor Swift should grab the mic +and interrupt his inaugural address. + ―dannyjerome0, Sep 2015 +% +The people who frequently make it on the front page in this sub probably have +an extremely high water bill. + ―littlehomie, Aug 2016 +% +There is no food that looks more appetizing than a cartoon pizza. + ―Fatman6000, Nov 2015 +% +If someone would have told me 10 years ago that people in 2016 would be +walking around with vaporizing pens I would have thought it would be something +way more cool than what it really is. + ―NoNiceGuy71, Feb 2016 +% +People who turn 47 today have a birth date of 2/4/68. + ―BarryMFBurton, Feb 2015 +% +I wonder how all of the signatures of people with my name look. + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +By slapping mosquitoes, we are weeding out the slow, weak ones that we can hit +so that the faster ones can breed + ―Articulating, Mar 2015 +% +Snickers should do an airdrop on Pyongyang. North Korea turns into a right +diva when they're hungry. + ―FlyingDutchkid, Aug 2015 +% +Someone, somewhere, has reached university and been assigned the dorm room +they were conceived in. + ―slaaitch, Jan 2016 +% +I wish there was a title between "boyfriend" and "husband" (or fiance)... I +think my 4.5 year relationship warrants more than what middle schoolers refer +to their relationships as... + ―mysilverlinings, Jan 2016 +% +Swat team members should have their homes randomly raided by a neighboring +swat team to better understand the confusion experienced by the suspect. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +My pot dealer will front me weed but I can't get approved for a credit +card. My credit with my drug dealer is better than it is in real life. + ―billemall2390, Oct 2015 +% +Your body is made of new cells every seven years. Negative reports drop from +your credit after seven years. You're no longer responsible because you are +literally a different person. + ―ypps, May 2016 +% +As an introvert it seems so pointless to hate people for their race, religion, +or sexual orientation. Get to know them instead, and you'll find there are +literally hundreds of other, perfectly valid reasons to hate them. + ―coupland, Feb 2016 +% +In the Shawshank Redemption, Red tells Andy that his hope of being a free man +again is "a shitty pipe dream", he ends up escaping through a pipe full of +shit. + ―[deleted], Feb 2014 +% +One day, my grandchildren will light up a joint after dinner. I'll say, "When +I was your age, they'd have thrown me in jail for that." They'll laugh and say +how silly that is. + ―Microthrowaway64, Jan 2016 +% +Whenever I misspell a word so badly that auto-correct can't recommend +anything, I feel like I've beaten AI by being a moron. + ―Tank1an, Sep 2016 +% +Fish jerky is the ultimate insult to fish. First you take the fish out of the +water, then you take the water out of the fish. + ―ReckoningGotham, Oct 2013 +% +We get angry at our alarm clock when it wakes us up and just as angry when it +fails to wake us up + ―Notterts, Oct 2015 +% +Saying "I lost the stylus for my tablet" would've still made sense over 2000 +years ago. + ―azure326, Aug 2016 +% +A tree house is the ultimate insult. "I killed your friend, here, hold him." + ―BumTongue, Oct 2016 +% +If our pupils dilate when we're attracted to someone, is that why some +people's smiles "light up the room?" + ―NBDAnthos, Aug 2015 +% +If I was an Optometrist, my business card would say “You'll see! You'll all +see!" + ―EsquireKing, Mar 2015 +% +If you read "FTFY" as 'fuck that fuck you' rather than 'fixed that for you', +it's hilarious. + ―mantistobbogan69, Jun 2015 +% +You should not commit to a tattoo unless you can read your post history from a +year ago and not end up asking yourself, "what the fuck was I thinking?" + ―[deleted], Feb 2016 +% +When I leave a store without buying anything, I feel like everyone thinks I +stole something + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +If Chewbacca cannot say Chewbacca, where did they get the word Chewbacca? + ―captaincabinets, Jan 2016 +% +The reason why Ash kept falling for Team Rocket's shitty schemes and costumes +is because Ash is a 10 year old child. + ―egm03, Jul 2016 +% +The word "suns" is the same upside down + ―PlumsNThings, Jul 2016 +% +If Tetris was released today for the first time, line pieces would probably be +obtainable only through microtransactions. + ―teeno731, Mar 2015 +% +If Bruce Wayne invested in the community instead of buying crime fighting +toys, there'd probably be a lot less crime to fight. + ―coolshoeshine, Apr 2015 +% +Maybe James Bond's middle name is James and his first and last names are Bond? + ―Gaihmit, Dec 2014 +% +If you exhale slowly for as long as you can, you will have exhaled at the same +time as almost every single person in the world. + ―Because_Justice, Jan 2015 +% +I'm more careful with video game currency than I am with actual currency. + ―colm44, Sep 2015 +% +Chemotherapy will be one of those medical practices we look back on in a +hundred years and feel sorry that we didn't know better. + ―Nasallynarwhal, Mar 2016 +% +I could be middle aged right now because I don't know when I'm going to die. + ―[deleted], Mar 2014 +% +For-profit prisons should be paid based on whether the inmates get +reformed. They should have to house repeat offenders for free. + ―bricej13, Sep 2015 +% +Do people sneeze on purpose around the pope with hopes of getting blessed by +him? + ―whipstache, Jun 2014 +% +Satan must get lots of mail from dyslexic children on Christmas + ―singlewave, Nov 2014 +% +Why are people so conflicted about what happens after death, but rarely wonder +what happens before birth, since they're likely the same states of +nonexistence? + ―Schytzophrenic, Jun 2014 +% +If people ever stop using the word 'baby' to refer to sexual/romantic +partners, our era if music is going to be weird to listen to. + ―gypsyWizard, Aug 2015 +% +I'm not positive on my age, I just trust everyone around me is telling the +truth about when I was born. + ―SimpletonSquirrel, Sep 2015 +% +Shoes are just portable floors + ―Yoitstubbs, Sep 2015 +% +A snowman is a body of water. + ―fireforfear, Oct 2015 +% +"Whoa" expresses awe, and "aww" can express woe + ―jaxklax, Dec 2015 +% +The use of birth control by responsible people is slowly replacing the human +race with irresponsible people who get pregnant unintentionally. + ―KellyfromLeedsUK, Jul 2016 +% +If you look at a clock, you literally see your life tick away by the second. + ―Failjure, May 2014 +% +If someone ever invents a penis enlargement pill they could never ever sell it +online because no one would believe them. + ―leftofmiddle, Nov 2013 +% +It's illegal for you to prove that I'm not immortal + ―UristMcWizard, Nov 2014 +% +The Internet is the most successful Sun-Cancer Prevention Scheme of all time. + ―LastJourneyHome, Mar 2015 +% +The only reason that "showerthoughts" is even a thing is because showering is +one of the rare times when you have no access to the internet so therefore you +have to make thoughts of your own. + ―Mr_Izaiah, Dec 2015 +% +To a fish a catch and release is much like an alien abduction. + ―rotten_miracles, Nov 2013 +% +Now Taylor Swift is the one that wears short skirts and high heels instead of +t-shirts and sneakers. + ―Starsy, Dec 2015 +% +The 'talking mirror' trope from fairy tales probably originated when a +careless time-traveler was seen using a Smart phone or a tablet. + ―burgerdog, Oct 2016 +% +Reading is just staring at marked slices of wood for hours while hallucinating +vividly. + ―Mihkelp1, Mar 2015 +% +I don't think I would recognize my own asshole if you showed it to me + ―tomtom24ever, Apr 2015 +% +Today reddit thought that the over stock of french fries was more interesting +than discovering a new potentially habitable planet. + ―mathisntfun, Jul 2015 +% +It is quite weird when an entire boy band sings a love song about one girl. + ―danielstegeman, Apr 2016 +% +My car has driven 106000 miles without ever touching another car. + ―daninmn, Dec 2014 +% +people aren't getting dumber, it's just that stupid people get their voice +heard easier now + ―NobodyInParticular23, Oct 2016 +% +When I think back at how stupid I was 10 years ago, I can't help but wonder +what I'm doing right now that's going to make me cringe in 10 years. + ―capomatt, Oct 2016 +% +Shouldn't apartments be called togetherments? + ―Anal_Peanutbutter, May 2014 +% +I live alone and have my own computer, but still use Incognito Mode for porn. + ―dubeskin, Jul 2016 +% +It's sad that Wile. E. Coyote is remembered for his violence rather than his +brilliant paintings of tunnels. + ―SadGhoster87, Oct 2015 +% +If enough Olympians contract Zika in Brazil this summer at least we can look +forward to a really kickass Special Olympics in about 20 years. + ―TurdsOnThat, Jun 2016 +% +I used to be scared of dentists because of the pain, now I'm scared of +dentists because of the cost. + ―elena984, Apr 2015 +% +Every time someone says "ten years ago" I think of the mid-nineties instead of +2006 + ―SaitamaMasterRace, Oct 2016 +% +Think of all the medieval chefs who were put to death for "poisoning" kings +that had nut allergies. + ―RGarret21, Oct 2013 +% +If we have only discovered 2085 planets and we have very roughly estimated +their are 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 exoplanets in the observable +universe. Then disregarding any extraterrestrial life now would be like taking +a tiny step in gigantic forest and saying "well there's nothing in here" + ―Unstoppableguy1, Feb 2016 +% +Celebrities can check each others' relationship status with Wikipedia rather +than Facebook. + ―SakuraSan, May 2015 +% +If a woman was pregnant with the spawn of the devil, would the Church want her +to abort it? + ―KingKrabbe, Oct 2015 +% +"The Leaning Tower of Pisa" is an anagram for "I spot one giant flaw here" + ―Taman_Should, Feb 2016 +% +Letting the two-party system set the criteria for who can debate is like +letting Walmart decide the rules for where Target can open new stores. + ―redninjatwo, Sep 2016 +% +All of the best skipping rocks are in the middle of the lake. + ―Angeloug, Oct 2016 +% +Church is just a big book club. + ―caba1990, Dec 2013 +% +My apartment is the entire world to my indoor cat. Going to the vet is like +visiting a galactic hub with strange creatures everywhere. + ―forks_and_spoons, Feb 2015 +% +If two naked gay men laid next to each other, and one of the men's fetish is +an erect penis, and the other's a flaccid penis, and both were turned off by +the opposite of their fetish, they would be in a neverending cycle of boners +and boner-killers + ―Mrpapaweegee, Apr 2015 +% +Blues singer Buddy Guy has the most Canadian-sounding name ever. + ―WriterDave, Feb 2016 +% +There should be a section on everyone's profile that shows how much karma +they've given + ―1TheDroneGuy1, Sep 2016 +% +You never realize how many curse words are in a song until it's playing in +front of your parents + ―MitchReynolds35, Sep 2016 +% +Pacifiers are nipple dildos + ―fourthings, Sep 2014 +% +There should be dorms for single adults similar to the ones at colleges. When +you’re single, life would be a lot better if you are surrounded by attractive +members of the opposite sex and get all of your food made for you in a +cafeteria. + ―HankSc0rp10, Mar 2015 +% +I wonder if I'm ever in my dogs dreams.. + ―SploogMan, Oct 2015 +% +Why does the Price is Right have commercials if the whole show is basically +advertising products? + ―-JS-, Mar 2016 +% +Every hotel refrigerator should at least fit a pizza box. + ―SLy_McGillicudy, Sep 2016 +% +EA should change their slogan from, it's in the game, to its in the DLC + ―Jahkle, Apr 2015 +% +The saying shouldn't be "Money can't buy happiness", but rather "Money can't +prevent sadness". + ―Crunchisaurus, Feb 2016 +% +I use my mobile phone more when I'm at home than I do when I'm mobile. + ―ohjerm, Jun 2016 +% +The oldest person alive on Earth is also the first person alive out of 7.4 +billion people. + ―Almighty_H, Oct 2016 +% +Gyms should have memberships where your fee goes down based on how often you +go. + ―drain65, Jun 2014 +% +Either the universe had a beginning, or it didn't. Either possibility is a +mindfuck + ―BeefPieSoup, Dec 2015 +% +I've taken off my pants in most malls that I've been to. + ―Jerry_McSeinfeld, Jan 2015 +% +The difference between revolution and treason is success or failure + ―TheStankPolice, May 2016 +% +In the 90's the 2 biggest rules were to not get in car with strangers and dont +meet with people you met on the internet, now most of us do both regularly + ―fiyahz, Jul 2016 +% +"Uranus is full of methane" is correct in both contexts. + ―CommanderDank, Oct 2014 +% +Of all the utensils to eat rice with, how did two sticks win? + ―shocktar, Apr 2016 +% +In Monsters Inc, Boo could have been speaking perfect English, but we hear it +as gibberish because we're hearing it from the monsters perspective who speak +a different language + ―Pixel_Implosion, Aug 2016 +% +Dr. Pepper might be a woman and you should be ashamed that you've never +considered that until this very moment. + ―Basser151, Mar 2015 +% +If Wolverine has amazing healing capabilities, surely he should not have a +belly button, as it should've healed. + ―nathanmcguire97, Apr 2015 +% +What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, +and that's all that's left? + ―ploughhorse, Jun 2015 +% +If Anthony Weiner ran for president in 2016 and Eric Holder was his vice +president, the campaign bumper stickers would say "Weiner Holder 2016". + ―baeb66, Apr 2014 +% +Weaponized cannabis would be the most humane military tactic ever +developed. You could carpet an entire city in green haze then just waltz in +and arrest the helplessly giggling bad guys while leaving snacks for all the +civilians. + ―Charlie--Dont--Surf, Mar 2016 +% +I have memorized all the digits of pi, I just don't know what order they're +in. + ―krrate, Jun 2016 +% +I became an adult the day I realized that parking near the entrance is not as +good as parking near the cart corral. + ―AnarchyBubble, Oct 2016 +% +Instead of shadow bans, banned users should be redirected to an alternate +version of a website which they'll have to share with other banned +users. Don't tell them, and let it turn into a social experiment. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +Most guys can probably give a better hand job than most girls + ―agentofu, Apr 2015 +% +If we elect a president that has a PhD or MD we would call him Dr. President + ―Excido88, Feb 2014 +% +Getting married takes signing one document, getting divorced is close to +100. Shouldn't it be harder to get married than divorced so we'll avoid more +divorces? + ―BabyBuddySweetpea, Dec 2015 +% +Maybe Kim Jong-un just really hates the bodies of water around his country. + ―patrickoriley, Mar 2016 +% +ATMs should allow for a panic pin number so that if you are being forced to +withdraw money, the police will be secretly notified while the machine "is +taking a strangely long amount of time" to complete the withdrawal. + ―Power2TheSheeple, Jul 2016 +% +I always put my music on shuffle but then get annoyed when it doesn't play the +songs I want. + ―jackleinmark, Jul 2016 +% +When camera phones came out people said if there were aliens or ghosts, we'd +finally see them. But all we got was corrupt cops. + ―HaughtyLOL, Apr 2015 +% +March 4th is the only day of the year that doubles as a command. + ―brenswen, Mar 2014 +% +When someone gives you their phone number, it's like them giving you the +password to talk to them. + ―R6dave000, Apr 2015 +% +If there's a Reddit in the afterlife, there are probably a ton of submissions +to /r/TIFU + ―dagoblah, Sep 2015 +% +I wonder how many times I unknowingly avoided death + ―Mazhar-Fakhar_, Jul 2016 +% +People get embarrassed when buying condoms which prevent diseases but are okay +with buying cigarettes which cause diseases. + ―Neuchh, Sep 2015 +% +The story of The Tortoise and The Hare isn't that slow and steady wins the +race. It's don't be arrogant and slack off. + ―HillTopEconomist, Dec 2015 +% +I won't try heroin or crack because I think I'd like them too much. + ―grumpstonio, Mar 2016 +% +"Now Under New Management" just means "Please come back, the assholes are +gone." + ―spicedpumpkins, Nov 2014 +% +Any salad is a Caesar salad if you stab it enough. + ―Artistico1, Dec 2014 +% +There's probably several girls that I married while on the swing set in +elementary school that I never got a divorce with + ―MouseRatFanClub, Sep 2015 +% +It took me 16 years to realise Saturday has turd in it + ―KimAndreTheMan, Oct 2015 +% +"The sky is the limit" would be terrible advice for astronauts + ―turtlecb, Oct 2014 +% +I never actually scrub my feet, I just walk around on the soapy water and it's +been fine so far.. + ―jbro12345, Nov 2015 +% +I'm better at giving handjobs than my girlfriend is. + ―tom58473758, Jul 2015 +% +For Halloween, spotify and other music services should play random noises like +doors opening and whispers throughout songs to creep people out + ―whalerodeo, Oct 2015 +% +A better Santa Claus story would be that every city has one person who is in +the "Santa Claus" role and no one knows who it is, therefor, if the children +want presents, they have to be nice to everyone because they never know who +could be Santa. + ―Young_Pavarotti, Jul 2016 +% +Jack Black and Jack White should collaborate and make a Jack Gray album + ―1stumbler, Nov 2014 +% +When my father took me out fishing when I was a kid, he used to warn me to be +quiet because we would scare the fish away. Pretty sure he just wanted me to +shut the fuck up for a few hours. + ―dandy36, May 2015 +% +The term "studying" is a mashup of the words 'student' and 'dying'. + ―Silviere, Oct 2015 +% +Google Maps should have a "halfway point" option. Where it lists restaurants +and things to do halfway between the two locations you enter. + ―lumbergriff, Jun 2016 +% +The fastest way to get me to click on a link is to warn me its NSFW. + ―Eternal_Reward, Mar 2015 +% +The plagiarism section of the class syllabus is the same for every +class... almost like it was copied and then pasted there... + ―RetroNarwhale, Sep 2015 +% +Movie theaters should provide an audio jack in each seat, so patrons can use +noise cancelling headphones, and they can also be used for dubbed audio for +other languages. + ―Surly_Asian_Man, Dec 2015 +% +Reddit needs to stop kidding itself. The downvote button is and always will be +a disagreement button. + ―Twizted_DMF, Jun 2015 +% +If sharks had "human week" it would probably be a week honoring the millions +of sharks killed every year by humans, instead of a couple of near-death +scenarios guised as documentaries talking about how "terrifying the beast was" +or "I didn't even realize I had lost my [insert appendage here]." + ―pm-me-uranus, Aug 2014 +% +The words ''womb'' and ''tomb'' are similar orthographically and phonetically, +and relate to opposite ends of our life cycles. + ―[deleted], Feb 2014 +% +The "What's Your Porn Star Name" game (first pet's name + street you grew up +on) is just a way to steal your password recovery information + ―fornaow, Sep 2015 +% +Dogecar spelled backwards is Racegod. + ―Mrbasfish, May 2014 +% +Straws only have one hole. + ―__________________l, May 2016 +% +All these charmanders outside my house finally proves that hot singles do +exist in my area + ―aad32, Jul 2016 +% +"Commercial free," but we're gonna tell you after every song. + ―ItsJinvy, Oct 2016 +% +Who invented clapping? Someone literally saw something they liked and said "I +like this so much I'm going to slam my hands together." + ―kerska, May 2013 +% +According to common American wisdom it's fine to go to a bar, get drunk, meet +a stranger, take her to your home, have sex, and fall asleep together, but +very unsafe to tell someone on the internet your last name. + ―wisebloodfoolheart, Jun 2016 +% +Girls always say it's "gross" that I used to work at a porn shop and that it +must have had a lot of "creepy" guys - 95% of the customers were female buying +sex toys. Guys mostly bought bongs. + ―the_restlessartist, Aug 2016 +% +If I were to turn invisible, light would pass straight through my eyes, so I'd +be blind + ―soulofgranola, Oct 2013 +% +We're approaching 2016 and the share button on this website STILL doesn't say +"Spreddit" + ―MoonbirdMonster, Sep 2015 +% +Someone should make an app called 'Netflix and Chill' that matches you with +local singles who like the same shows as you + ―TitsAlmighty, Oct 2015 +% +Half Life 3 was never meant to exist. Half Life + Half Life = one full life + ―Templar_Gus, Apr 2016 +% +The raid at Google's HQ in Paris is literally a Google search. + ―JarkAttack, May 2016 +% +The US flag is almost always at half-mast now. + ―gnarledout, Jul 2016 +% +I bet 7-11 is glad the Twin Towers attack wasn't on July 11 + ―NotOBAMAThrowaway, Sep 2015 +% +Jesus had to move back in with his dad at age 33. + ―DaaaNK, Sep 2015 +% +Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and that makes you sad + ―thefred_mcgriff, Apr 2016 +% +If Billie Jean would've taken Michael Jackson on Maury for a paternity test he +would've had the most epic "you are not the father" dance ever. + ―Creepyroblowe, Jan 2016 +% +Suicide doesn't end pain. It just spreads that pain around to all the people +you love. + ―masongr, Jun 2014 +% +YouTube should let me view vertical videos in vertical full screen on my +phone. + ―Jkdc, May 2015 +% +We spend a good amount of time in our homes trying to make it look like no one +lives there + ―Redhawkk, Aug 2016 +% +Weird Al Yancovic has remained more well known and popular than most of the +people he's parodied + ―antimonyacid, Oct 2016 +% +Students cheat on tests because grades are more valued than learning. + ―xCozyPumpkin, Oct 2014 +% +In a couple thousand years archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we +fried people as punishment. + ―WuTangTribe, Nov 2015 +% +If Marty McFly time traveled to the actual 2015 his outfit wouldn't have +looked out of place due to the vintage fashion trend + ―TheLifeOfPepe, Sep 2016 +% +Smokers allowed breaks at work are just getting an advance on the free time +others will have at the ends of their lives. + ―goatimhimmel, Aug 2016 +% +The human race is gonna cure the shit out of mice before it does the same +thing for itself. + ―TheRealHandSanitizer, May 2015 +% +If the earth is the 3rd planet from the sun, aren't all countries technically +3rd world countries? + ―badwolf128, Aug 2015 +% +Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts. + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +There are dogs that understand more Spanish than me. + ―Jitszu, Sep 2015 +% +Reddit is the only place in the world where I can get an informative, +thoughtful point of view from someone named PM_ME_UR_TITS + ―Left-handed, Jun 2016 +% +Poor science education is one of the most dangerous things. It gives people +just enough information to think they understand stuff but not enough to +realise how very little they actually know. + ―The-Potato-Lord, May 2016 +% +If you beat someone to death, they've beaten you to death. + ―skeddles, Apr 2014 +% +A hundred years ago, if 100,000 people saw something you made you'd be rated a +very successful artist, writer, etc. Today, that barely qualifies as a +successful meme. + ―HipsterCosmologist, Jun 2015 +% +Technically speaking, Aliens invaded the moon on July 20th 1969 + ―roscoes___wetsuit, Jun 2016 +% +I am as old as the universe because matter cannot be created or destroyed. + ―dudewiththebling, Jun 2013 +% +The Dothraki would have considered the Red Wedding a smashing success. + ―rigel899, Nov 2015 +% +Would humans have invented airplanes if all animals were flightless? + ―lalalaurrenn, Jan 2016 +% +Pooping while at work is the opposite of an unpaid lunch break. + ―onefoot_fourgarretts, Jan 2016 +% +If a building is built on a plot, and each floor is a story, is each room a +chapter? + ―qwertyboard_, Jun 2016 +% +What if a shooting star is actually somebody driving off rainbow road? + ―OziPerv, Mar 2015 +% +Using your smartphone to research your next smartphone is like asking your +girlfriend which of her friends you should date next. + ―marriedtoacanadian, Apr 2015 +% +To market to teenagers, Febreeze should make a hidden camera commercial where +they fill a car full of weed and spray it with Febreeze, then get parents to +say the car smells like flowers. + ―IndianaPwns97, Jun 2015 +% +most of the people i see driving around in retired police cars look the sort +of people who've spent plenty of time in the back of police cars + ―3ntl3r, Jan 2016 +% +I feel like if Quentin Tarantino didn't start making movies, he would have +become a serial killer. + ―Madux37, May 2016 +% +This sub is very popular yet completely karmaless + ―nicksnare, Nov 2013 +% +The word 'ashtray' is pig Latin for trash. + ―we_are_babcock, Jul 2014 +% +When someone named Ed is walking down the street, everyone walking towards him +is Edward. + ―applesauce_pants, Sep 2014 +% +I like how Pitbull announces his name at the beginning of his songs so I can +change the radio station + ―kittenmitttons, Jan 2015 +% +If a Kanye West biopic is made in the distant future, it will be almost +impossible for the lead actor to believably portray him without seeming like +they are "overacting" + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +When a browser asks "do you want to save this password?" I wish "yeah but only +if it works" was an option + ―Exploso, Apr 2016 +% +Nicer restaurants give you napkins that other people have used and cheap +restaurants give you brand new ones + ―burgerlover69, Oct 2016 +% +Never once in my adult life or as a child have I ever seen someone slip on a +banana peel + ―se7enx, Apr 2015 +% +It's really dark inside you. + ―NoUsernameSelected, Nov 2013 +% +In Star Wars, if Luke turned off his targeting computer and then missed the +Death Star's exhaust port he would have looked like the biggest jackass ever. + ―_illionaire, Aug 2015 +% +When I was a kid, 1000 dollars would have bought everything that I +wanted. Now, it barely covers rent. + ―bozzy253, Jul 2016 +% +Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? + ―Assbutting, Mar 2014 +% +Considering our anatomy, it makes more sense if males wore skirts and females +wore pants. + ―mizo155, Aug 2014 +% +A #1 dad mug is a terrible father's day gift if you have two gay dads. + ―LibraryLass, Apr 2015 +% +I consider the redditors that live in opposite time zones of me to be the +night shift of reddit that always prepares content for me when I wake up. + ―Marvelerful, Sep 2015 +% +The reason Hermione was such an "insufferable know-it-all" was so that she +could explain everything about magic to the muggles reading the books. + ―Dim_Innuendo, Jun 2016 +% +Of all the organs that come in pairs, a second bladder would have been really +nice. + ―Neuronzap, Feb 2015 +% +If you were on the moon during a lunar eclipse and you looked back at the +Earth, you would see it surrounded by the red ring of the sun behind it. You'd +be looking at every sunset and every sunrise on Earth at the same time. + ―MyKungFusPrettySwell, Sep 2015 +% +As more people turn to internet steaming over cable, Netflix needs to adopt an +Emergency Broadcast System. + ―stupidstupidreddit, Sep 2016 +% +The time when I look the most homeless is when I'm in my home. + ―UFO_o, May 2015 +% +It's amazing how unforgiving we are towards bugs, we will straight up murder +them for even coming near us. + ―Redditkid16, Sep 2016 +% +What if the only reason why we don't see aliens is because Earth is considered +a rare sanctuary, and the alien sightings we do hear about are just +tresspassing tourists? + ―kazuzuagogo, Mar 2015 +% +The divided symbol, ÷, is just a fraction with two dots representing numbers. + ―INFLATABLE_CUCUMBER, Dec 2013 +% +My ex was constantly paranoid that one day I would no longer find her +attractive. 2 years after I broke up with her, I still think she's hot - It +was her personalty I didn't like. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +A person doesn’t become homeless just because they lose all their money, but +also because they lost all their friends. + ―Davidhallen, Aug 2016 +% +No... Wait a minute, dude, no matter what an egg tastes like, it literally +tastes like chicken... + ―SeriouslyGravitas, Apr 2015 +% +On April Fools Day Tinder should switch the "Like" and "Nope" swipe direction +without letting anyone know about it. + ―Cheeky_Guy, Aug 2015 +% +If your asscrack was horizontal, it would make a clapping noise whenever you +went up/down stairs. + ―dasracial, Jan 2016 +% +People who die having sex with their SO, really did die doing what they loved. + ―creeperdragon111, May 2016 +% +If you die in the same hospital you were born in, your total displacement will +be 0. + ―i-vac, Aug 2016 +% +Jesus had two dads and a surrogate mom--10/10 Christians agree--he turned out +alright. + ―deadeyex15, Jun 2015 +% +Saying you handle transactions for a multi-billion dollar company is way +better than saying you're a cashier at McDonald's + ―sireman, May 2015 +% +Adblock is so good, if no one complained about Star Wars memorabilia being +over the top, I would have had no idea. + ―davelupt, Dec 2015 +% +That Malaysia airplane is still missing. + ―t_durden55, Jun 2014 +% +Since bat wings are just skin stretched between elongated finger bones, bats +fly through the power of jazz hands. + ―thatmeddlingkid7, Mar 2015 +% +When you meow at a cat and it meows back, could it be correcting your +mispronunciation? + ―asdffgtqwe54, Aug 2015 +% +In 35 years nursing homes will have some really awesome LAN parties. + ―bethisnicenow, Oct 2015 +% +What if "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a women" just means no +threesomes? + ―Toxic_Axon, Nov 2015 +% +My father saw the Moon exploration, I will see Mars exploration. I wonder what +my kids will see in their lifes. + ―backtr4ck, Dec 2014 +% +People used to be fat because they could afford good food, now they're fat +because they can't afford good food + ―Notmyname4, Jun 2016 +% +What if i am single because a time traveler made sure I don't meet "her" to +stop someone in our lineage from taking over the world + ―ThatDCguy69, Oct 2016 +% +If you rip a hole in a net, there are now less holes in that net. + ―IAmDrinkingIcedTea, Nov 2015 +% +Brains are to people what people are to cars + ―Chase_N_cash, May 2014 +% +I'm black, but not African American. I've never been to Africa, I don't +identify with the African culture being as both of my parents are from the US. + ―cheritaisrandom, Oct 2016 +% +Anyone who is wearing braces at the start of an apocalypse has a slim chance +of ever getting them off + ―dogfunky, May 2014 +% +I've never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station. + ―supertoasty, Apr 2015 +% +In 30 years, "automatic" and "manual" in a car will refer to whether or not +it's a self-driving car. + ―Plexel, Aug 2016 +% +I have been burned more times by water than fire. + ―akruckus, Dec 2014 +% +I only know how to spell "amateur" because of porn. + ―Throw-it_away-now, Oct 2015 +% +Askreddit is like my wife. Ask one simple harmless question and recieve and +angry torrent of abuse and negative criticisms. + ―Yoguls, Jan 2016 +% +How fast a car goes 60-0 is a lot more important than how fast it goes 0-60. + ―chrscoast, Aug 2015 +% +Netflix should have a "Watch Together" option that allows you to watch a show +with other users + ―FireLordOzai, Jan 2015 +% +What if your dog one day just randomly said "Nobody is going to believe you" +and never spoke again. + ―CptStealth, Jan 2016 +% +Apple isn't killing the headphone jack, people that are buying a phone with no +headphone jack are. + ―-obliviouscommenter-, Sep 2016 +% +The cyrillic Г(G) is the logic next step in the sequence E,F, in the alphabet + ―radat, May 2014 +% +When you order a slice of pizza from a pizza place, you're sharing a pizza +with a group of strangers + ―k8t123, Sep 2014 +% +If England waited 11 more days, we could've shared an Independence day. + ―DickStrong, Jun 2016 +% +If the avengers were real, city contractors would be billionaires + ―chevy1234567, May 2015 +% +I wonder if I'll ever have to write Earth at the bottom of a postal address + ―Leeroy909, Oct 2015 +% +I have never seen a Starbucks commercial of any kind. + ―bradt08, Mar 2016 +% +"I think we got off on the wrong foot" is a regret a foot fetishist might have + ―margarinized_people, Jan 2015 +% +Eventually someone will die in a self-driving car and it will keep going to +its destination + ―phillips000, May 2015 +% +The problem with democracy is that appealing to the dumb half is as good a +strategy as appealing to the smart half. + ―Troppin, Jul 2016 +% +Reddit is where people with essentially the same ideals get in heated +arguments over minor technicalities. + ―Chaos773, Sep 2016 +% +So far it seems like the only danger of smoking pot is getting caught by the +police. So we have created the only known danger + ―ReefsnChicks, Oct 2016 +% +Children cry over every little thing because anything bad that happens is +literally the worst thing that's ever happened to them. Growing up is having +increasingly worse experiences until the little tragedies become the everyday. + ―Trieclipse, Mar 2015 +% +When an elder generation complains about about bad a younger generation is, +they are basically saying that they sucked at raising kids. + ―BreakfastBeerz, Oct 2016 +% +I'm so lonely that reddit is more of a social network for me than facebook is. + ―paryz17, Oct 2016 +% +Our black president lives in gov housing.. + ―7870FUNK, Sep 2015 +% +The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you've been +hoarding all weekend down to the kitchen. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +WWII is one of the rare sequels to top the original, yet no one wants to see +it become a trilogy + ―zamakhtar, Nov 2015 +% +The 4 elements (Earth, Water, Air, Fire) correspond to the 4 states of matter +(Solid, Liquid, Gas, Plasma.) + ―Unitato666, Jun 2016 +% +Google and Apple build driver-less cars cause the only time you're not on your +phone is when you drive. + ―ooli, Mar 2015 +% +Exams are an unrealistic way to judge ability. It would be incredibly rare for +you to be in a work situation where you have the combination of; a short time +to do something, not being allowed to speak, ask for help/guidance/info or +check existing reference materials. + ―jasontredecim, Apr 2015 +% +if you live in North America, my driveway is connected to yours. + ―Willisis2, Jul 2013 +% +When I get a dog, I want to name him "Dammit". That way, whenever someone gets +frustrated in my house, he comes over to cheer them up. + ―Zephyr618, Aug 2015 +% +Deadpool should have leaked a fake version of the film where it's just +Deadpool playing with action figures reenacting the entire film. + ―TheMightyBreeze, Feb 2016 +% +Since my wife works in a hospital. Anytime i want to get out of work, i could +simply say "I need to go, my wife is in the hospital." + ―EightyNinjas, Feb 2016 +% +Mitch Hedberg should be the patron saint of this sub reddit. + ―Therealeggplant, Dec 2014 +% +Google is always doing an AMA + ―sparks_rog, Nov 2015 +% +Dogs are just hostages with severe stockholm syndrome + ―[deleted], Nov 2015 +% +I guess today is officially the day that Charlie is in charge of Wonka. + ―Jolly_Bones, Aug 2016 +% +The letter "c" could easily be replaced by "k" or "s" in any sirkumstanse. + ―InspectorRack, Dec 2014 +% +If s stripper is an exotic dancer, does that make a drug dealer an exotic +pharmacist? + ―IXenomorph9605, Aug 2015 +% +You know you're driving a shitty car when the check engine light turns off and +that makes you worried. + ―GayForChopin, Jun 2016 +% +Every time I see a NSFW tag, it hurts cause I am jobless. + ―oracham, Aug 2016 +% +what if aristotle was pronounced like chipotle + ―WesterosiWench, Nov 2015 +% +When the internet first became popular we were afraid of people from the +internet finding us in real life, now we're afraid of people in real life +finding out about our lives on the internet. + ―anextphilosophy, Feb 2016 +% +The most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it. + ―ma71in, Jul 2015 +% +A satanic band should record an album singing the nastiest parts of the bible +and release it as a christian album + ―yucacuy, Oct 2015 +% +Talking is a really slow data transfer between two super computers. + ―ThatVRGuy_, Jun 2016 +% +If "look like a million bucks" is a compliment in the U.S., I bet it wouldn't +work in Britain. "Does this dress make me look fat?" "No honey, you look like +a million pounds!" + ―Lock_n_key, Jul 2015 +% +If there is a War on Christmas then Christmas is winning. It has taken over +the territories of both October and November from opposing factions Halloween +and Thanksgiving. + ―triteuser, Nov 2015 +% +As a father I have realized that days are long and years are short. + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +I wonder how many constellations the sun is a part of. + ―Stairwayto711, Jun 2016 +% +A dog born and trained in China knows more Chinese than me. + ―ohiyoo, Oct 2014 +% +North Korea is getting really good at 'Boy who cried wolf' diplomacy. The day +it actually nukes Seoul, no one will believe it. + ―HeroAntagonist, Mar 2016 +% +If Virtual Reality games become a thing, pro gamers will need to be in shape +as a physical sport athlete + ―Bernasss, May 2015 +% +"Grandbrother" sounds much cooler than uncle. + ―Teh_Dergenbern, Feb 2015 +% +Time is said to heal all wounds, but it also literally kills everyone and +everything. + ―FFF_in_WY, Apr 2016 +% +If your child ends up murdering you, that means you gave birth to your own +death + ―AellaGirl, Jan 2014 +% +If Star Wars happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I might be +able to watch it through a telescope right now. + ―andrewfargo, Aug 2014 +% +When a website doesn't work with Internet Explorer, I blame IE. When it +doesn't work with Google Chrome, I blame the website. + ―ot2g, Apr 2016 +% +I miss being the age I was when I thought I'd have it all together by the age +I am now. + ―RedKnight47, Jul 2016 +% +Gum is just a human chew toy + ―MokaShakaCon, Aug 2014 +% +Drawers should be called pens and pens should be called drawers + ―sindustrial777, Nov 2014 +% +When you start using Reddit everyone appears to be smarter than you, a few +months later you realize you're surrounded by mob mentality. + ―Qureshi2002, Oct 2015 +% +"I fell on the ground" is really a mild way of saying "I collided with a +planet" + ―Ofactorial, Oct 2016 +% +Non-Vegans will always cater to their Vegan friends, but Vegans won't cater to +their omnivorous brethren. + ―Smythe28, Jan 2016 +% +My dog knows more English than I know Dog. + ―findingmeno, Mar 2016 +% +"umop apisdn" is "upside down" spelled upside down with different letters of +the alphabet. + ―youraverageiranian, Mar 2015 +% +Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough. + ―ZacDD, Jul 2015 +% +A spoon is just a bowl that fits in your mouth + ―IsThisNameTooShort, Sep 2015 +% +Growing up marijuana was seen as a gateway drug for harder drugs but, +ironically, Chuck E. Cheese was never seen as a gateway for gambling. + ―latinrprince79, Jan 2016 +% +I know more people whose lives were ruined as a result of World of Warcraft +than as a result of smoking pot + ―[deleted], Sep 2016 +% +It would suck if you were bisexual and the man of your dreams married the +woman of your dreams + ―AeroTheManiac, Dec 2015 +% +I'm a guy living with two girls and they'll never know how hard I try to keep +the toilet bowl clean by "peeing off" marks and stains. + ―jag5213, Apr 2016 +% +There are approximately as many boobs as there are humans in the world. + ―Bandage, Jan 2014 +% +It should be illegal for radio commercials to include the sound of cars +honking. + ―catestone, Aug 2016 +% +My body is actually a compulsive hoarder who keeps all this fat "just in case +I need it later" + ―simobk, Mar 2014 +% +I bet when the Pope is in a room where someone sneezes, everyone looks at him +expectantly. + ―Barflyerdammit, Sep 2015 +% +Steam should have an option to enter your PC specs and allow you to filter +games by whether or not you can run it. + ―CrunchyChristmas, Sep 2016 +% +(as a guy) Trying to pee in the toilet in darkness is a practical human use of +echolocation. + ―soyouwannabeapanda, Mar 2016 +% +I'm glad Reddit looks plain. I can browse it openly and most people assume I'm +reading news or informational articles, etc. If I browse sites like Facebook +or Twitter everyone knows I'm just wasting time. + ―iamgringostar, Aug 2016 +% +I share my random thoughts with strangers because my family members won't care +about them. + ―singh_sahil24, Sep 2016 +% +We always say "drugs and alcohol" as if alcohol isn't a drug. Why don't we +just say "drugs?" + ―Ganjake, Jul 2016 +% +When I turned 30, I wondered when I'd finally mature. Now at 31, I've realized +I've already grown up, and it's alright to still like the cereal with the +marshmallows in it. + ―hellslave, Jul 2016 +% +Sometimes I see an animal, and I wonder if among that species, that particular +dude or girl is considered handsome. + ―elharry-o, Apr 2014 +% +Asking someone a question used to be a good way to start a conversation. Now +that we can just "google it", I almost feel like asking someone a question +makes me look lazy or weird for not having just searched for it on the +internet. + ―Flonkus, Mar 2015 +% +I'm less likely to buy a product from a 30 second YouTube ad I can't skip + ―Willsuck, Jun 2016 +% +The leaning Tower of Pisa - When you fuck up so bad it becomes a tourist +attraction. + ―OpieArmy, Jul 2016 +% +If Santa travels faster than the speed of light to deliver all of the presents +in time, what good is a reindeer with a light up nose to guide the way? + ―[deleted], Dec 2013 +% +Father's day is a day dedicated to mother fuckers. + ―Quiddity99, Sep 2014 +% +A knee is a really big knuckle + ―Fujiou, Apr 2016 +% +Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +Cannibalism holds the potential to solve both hunger and overpopulation +problems. + ―Hatiius, Jun 2015 +% +Someone in Indiana with the last name Harrison should open a Ford dealership +so it would be called "Harrison Ford" with the slogan is "The people of +Indiana jones for our low prices." + ―new-clear-dawn, Oct 2015 +% +The second oldest person in the world should get a world record for the +longest period of time without winning a world record. + ―bosco511, Jan 2016 +% +Falling asleep with the TV on is the adult version of being read a bed time +story. + ―LITERALLY_LMAO, Feb 2016 +% +If you buy DiGiorno pizza through Amazon Fresh, technically it is delivery. + ―leonardoty, Sep 2016 +% +"Only" is "one" in adverb ("-ly") form + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +"Don't kid yourself" should be a slogan for birth control pills + ―dudenamedharry, Dec 2015 +% +If I die before you, I beat you to death. But if I beat you to death, you die +before me. + ―fapples_and_bananas, Jun 2016 +% +I wish there were an option to send a low priority text message that doesn't +notify the recipient until they unlock their phone. + ―Squid2012, Apr 2016 +% +If Spiderman were actually anatomically similar to a spider he would shoot web +out of his ass and not his wrists. + ―jaerickson, Apr 2014 +% +Has anyone actually finished the "99 of beer on the wall" song? + ―twinhed, Jul 2014 +% +Placing an ad before a youtube video I like to watch is the safest way to make +me dislike a product. + ―astralcalculus, Feb 2015 +% +"Know what would look good on you? Nothing." Is both an insult and a +compliment. + ―scrotum-skin_handbag, Mar 2015 +% +The trees planted on city sidewalks should be replaced with fruit trees, so +the homeless have something to eat in the summer and fall. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +What if the Russians were doping not to win, but so they wouldn't have to go +to Rio. + ―_BindersFullOfWomen_, Aug 2016 +% +I've never seen Fight Club, but because of the first rule of fight club, I've +never had the movie spoiled for me. + ―Dirnol, Aug 2016 +% +"Puffington Host" would be a great name for a marijuana-centered newspaper + ―tangalicious, Feb 2014 +% +The only reason you're mad at your past self for procrastinating, is because +you want to procrastinate now. + ―ViktorKruchev, Apr 2016 +% +TVs went from curving outwards, to flatscreen, to curving inwards. + ―CheriiPi, Aug 2016 +% +Since dogs don't understand language, when I sit and read a book for hours, +they probably think we are just super entertained by turning the pages. + ―BrodaTheWise, Sep 2015 +% +What if Elon Musk is actually a stranded alien who needs humanity to develop +interstellar travel to get home + ―berger321, Jul 2016 +% +As I get older, I've realized that part of being an adult is being tired all +the time and trying to find different ways to deal with it. + ―ProdigyLightshow, Oct 2016 +% +There are thousands of people who have never heard of and therefore died +winning "The Game". + ―kris_olis, Apr 2014 +% +Yesterday I really wanted spaghetti. Today I am eating spaghetti. Follow your +fucking dreams. + ―MakeYourMarks, Sep 2015 +% +My goals in life have very good goalies + ―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016 +% +/r/Showerthoughts Best of 2013 Winners! + ―drumcowski, Jan 2014 +% +Texting your crush is like a turn based strategy game, while calling them is +like a real time strategy game. + ―AtTheSameTimeTwice, Aug 2014 +% +The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets until it's too light +to light. + ―MXXlV, Dec 2015 +% +If I were Chinese, I would point at random westerners' Chinese tattoos and say +"Hey, I love shrimp fried rice as well!" + ―cdna, May 2016 +% +When I was a kid, the Bundy's were poor. Now I wish I could afford a house +like that.... + ―Im_Hugh_Mungus, Sep 2016 +% +In the Transformers movie, the auto bots said they scanned the entire internet +and learned everything about the humans. Which means Optimus Prime has seen a +lot of porn + ―Dunkcity239, Nov 2013 +% +Wondering if whoever hacked MySpace can let me know my login information too. + ―janilane17, Jun 2016 +% +Harry Potter is the ultimate example of someone that 'peaked in high school.' + ―TimLoz, Sep 2016 +% +"Single and ready to mingle" is really just "Alone and desperate to bone" + ―leedleleedlelee90, Aug 2015 +% +White people could refer to each other as nillas. + ―wtfmuck, Dec 2014 +% +Between a drunk person and a sober person, if one of their cars gets fucked by +the other, the drunk one gets arrested. But if one of them gets fucked by the +other, the sober one gets arrested. + ―Stergeary, Aug 2015 +% +Windows should make an antivirus program called Microsoft Officer. + ―The_Anal_Intruder, Apr 2014 +% +Madonna isn't really 'kissing celebrities' for shock value, she's sucking the +youth out of younger people to stay alive. + ―WHOREMOAANS, Apr 2015 +% +Lorde should have been Randy Marsh for Halloween. + ―Cookachoo, Nov 2015 +% +If you took an IQ test online and it told you that you had a high IQ and you +believed it, then you probably don't have a high IQ. + ―FoundTin, Dec 2015 +% +This Halloween they should make Google's homepage "Ghoulgle" + ―TheIncredibleD, Sep 2016 +% +Blink-182 is a bunch of guys in their 40's, singing to an audience in their +20's about being a teenager + ―Zappastuski, Aug 2016 +% +Since the earth is spinning on its axis, as well as orbiting the sun, and all +galaxies are in motion as well, I've come to realize the only thing in the +universe that's actually stationary is my girlfriend's stance on anal + ―ibjixx1, Jul 2015 +% +USA vs. Germany... England vs. Japan... The women's world cup is getting a +little bit WWIIish + ―decomposition_major, Jun 2015 +% +Racism must be confusing to blind people. + ―gav1230, Nov 2013 +% +Amazon has spoiled me to the point where anything over 2 days for shipping +seems like an outrage. + ―cye604, Apr 2016 +% +What if Disney Animation made Frozen just so a Google search of "Walt Disney +Frozen" wouldn't be the top result about the man himself + ―Marty_Mac_Fly, Jan 2015 +% +Whenever I think I made a bad choice, I remember the number of publishing +companies that said no to Harry Potter + ―TinySassQueen, Jun 2016 +% +If you got your tongue stuck in a mouse trap, you'd start pronouncing it +'mouth trap', and that's exactly what it is + ―Loveisjusta, Aug 2016 +% +Masturbating only feels half as good as sex, but sex feels only half as good +as you imagine it when masturbating. + ―orthoros, Jun 2016 +% +A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left. + ―PossiblyNSA, Oct 2016 +% +Some people's PIN numbers are 6173, and this post probably makes them want a +new one. + ―Golf_and_Booze, Jul 2015 +% +I want a bumper sticker that says "I was once an honor student too. This is +your child's future." This should look good on the back of my broken down 2000 +Honda Civic. + ―dmillzilla, Jan 2016 +% +/r/showerthoughts is like /r/woahdude for sober people + ―muytemprano, Jul 2013 +% +Since cursive writing is no longer being taught in school, we can use it as +secert code against upcoming generation's + ―critter561, Sep 2014 +% +Children of hipsters may choose to dress normally to rebel against their +parents. + ―mustash_cash_stash, May 2015 +% +The "You're in good hands" guys, the Mayhem guy, Flo, the Geico Gecko, and the +State Farm guy (J.K. Simmons) should team up and do a Superbowl commercial +about preventing drunk driving. + ―xsat2234, Sep 2015 +% +A guy has to blow himself up to get 72 virgins. A girl just has to reveal her +gender on the internet. + ―tobyps, Dec 2015 +% +They should put a button on television remotes that fades the screen to black +and rolls credits so I can tell my kids the show is over whenever the hell I +want. + ―thomasbomm, Aug 2016 +% +The song "Happy" by Pharrell makes me fucking hostile, while the song "Fucking +Hostile" by Pantera makes me happy. + ―Dan_Berg, Nov 2015 +% +What if Deadpool takes over the cameo role for Stan Lee after he passes? + ―ThatSchmoDude42, Feb 2016 +% +It would be cool to see an album of all the pictures you've accidentally +photobombed in public + ―Daeesh, Sep 2014 +% +When a girl is looking at me, the difficulty level of everything I do +increases automatically. + ―anuragdidit, Jul 2015 +% +Paperclips are just staples with less commitment + ―PUCKIN_RIGHT_BOYS, Jun 2016 +% +Why aren't iPhone chargers called apple juice? + ―MopsWilly, Nov 2013 +% +Somewhere out there, in the infinite expanse of the universe, there is a +planet whose night sky has a penis constellation + ―Chispy, Apr 2014 +% +What if I have a super power but it's something impractical in this day and +age, like being immune to cannon fire or talking to dodos? + ―Demihaze, Sep 2015 +% +If steroids are banned for athletes, auto-tune should be banned for singers. + ―Beop_Jeong, Nov 2015 +% +If you pay entry fee to a marathon, they literally give you a run for your +money. + ―Prittfire, Sep 2014 +% +For April fools day, SnapChat should have all of their filters work as normal, +but once sent the filter is removed. + ―kbfunk, Sep 2016 +% +I usually assume people who know the date automatically have their shit more +together than I do. + ―Dustinthemighty, Oct 2016 +% +If it weren't for auto correct, I would never have heard of Redditch, England. + ―mtme3, Aug 2015 +% +If you work a job that relies on tips, your employer is basically crowd +funding your wage. + ―1Spoochy1, Dec 2015 +% +If Michael Cera started a clothing line, he could use the slogan "Try Cera +Tops" + ―bangoskankwashere, Nov 2015 +% +Why is it okay for the main character in movies to kill hundreds of innocent +people working for the bad guys just to save a specific person important to +him. I mean those guys had families too. + ―Parry11, Apr 2016 +% +Antarctica probably has the highest average IQ of any continent + ―Halatrie, Apr 2016 +% +I replaced facebook with reddit and my life has been way better! + ―yoloswagto, Sep 2016 +% +Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself. + ―abyssalheaven, Dec 2014 +% +Gay sex is literally twice as manly as straight sex + ―comfortablesexuality, Mar 2016 +% +I'd rather skip a song every time it comes up in my playlist than remove it +altogether. + ―12u55, Oct 2016 +% +Wouldn't it be hilarious if they came up with some kind of vaccination that +prevented autism? + ―majorthrownaway, Jan 2015 +% +The Westboro Baptist Church have probably seen more gay people making out than +most non-members + ―leefinny, Mar 2015 +% +Reddit has had 13 million users and by now a thread has to have happened where +a commenter, has in fact, banged OP's mom. + ―frizzaks, Jul 2015 +% +We stop using "brb" because we never have to leave our devices anymore. + ―instantromannoodles, Oct 2015 +% +The bathrooms in Star Wars must have to be pretty versatile to suit all the +different species. + ―stargrown, Dec 2015 +% +People dismiss alien abductions as unrealistic but if we were able to go to a +planet with life we totally would take some of those aliens and research them. + ―unggnu, Mar 2016 +% +If Facebook and Instagram stopped showing the number of likes a post gets, I +wonder how many people would continue posting photos and selfies of +themselves. + ―dehydratedaardvark, Aug 2016 +% +Lego should open up Drink n' Build workshop stores exclusively for adults. Pay +$20, crack open a few beers, pick out some legos from dozens of huge bins, +build something and if you want buy it on your way out (pay by weight). + ―JustCrazyIdeas, Nov 2014 +% +Every problem that takes place on earth is a "third world problem" since earth +is the third planet from the sun. + ―wcrbarker, Apr 2014 +% +Almost every person I've ever met and thought "I hope they don't have +children" ... has kids. Almost every decidedly child-free person I've ever met +... would make a good parent. + ―Randydeluxe, Oct 2016 +% +If Cinderella's shoe was a perfect fit, then how did it fall off? + ―rubiks-disaster, Nov 2015 +% +A baby born today may live to see the year 2100 + ―Gschaller12, Dec 2013 +% +King of the Hill deserved better than being canceled to make room for The +Cleveland Show + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +Most of the Spirit halloween stores, open up temporarily in stores that went +out of business. They are the spirit of the dead store. + ―inServus, Oct 2016 +% +The recommended age to have an Ouija board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be +21 to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil. + ―unicorn_hardon, Apr 2016 +% +If I meet someone in real life who has one mutual friend, that's more than +enough to make a lasting connection. If I meet someone on Facebook with one +mutual friend, I assume they are a robot who is trying to steal my identity +and sell me sunglasses. + ―JeremyMcLellan, Sep 2016 +% +A penis is really just a "fleshdrive" that transfers genetic data. + ―Ziqqe, Dec 2014 +% +The actor who played Jesus in Jesus Christ Super Star has been Jesus on stage +(40+ years) for longer than Jesus was Jesus (33 years) + ―Baldurs_Gate_Rules, May 2015 +% +Every year, we unknowingly pass the anniversary of our future death. + ―bossevan, Oct 2013 +% +Celebrities should hire paparazzi to harass paparazzi and publish it all in +their own faux celebrity gossip magazine. + ―brettworth, Sep 2014 +% +Suicide is a mortal sin to stop religious crazies from killing themselves in +order to be with their god. + ―LogicShift, Feb 2015 +% +If I was a serial killer, I'd leave a Klondike bar wrapper at every murder +scene, letting everyone know exactly what I would do for a Klondike bar. + ―Veigar_Bot, Jul 2015 +% +I bet Clark Kent lied during his job interview when asked what was his +greatest weakness. + ―zer0w0rries, Aug 2016 +% +If the good die young, then why must we respect our elders? + ―I_chew_big_red, Apr 2016 +% +Music is sculpted air pressure + ―jim45804, Aug 2016 +% +At 36 years old, I am older then Al Bundy was at the start of Married with +Children. When watching the show as a kid, I always thought he was an old +loser. I fear what that means I am. + ―Jaleou, Nov 2015 +% +Dating is just a series of interviews to become a partner at a two-person +company whose only mission is sustaining mutual happiness. + ―tMoneyMoney, Sep 2016 +% +A programmer programmed the program that programmers use for programming +programs. + ―PlamenDrop, May 2016 +% +The word "nemo" is Latin for "nobody." So perhaps the eponymous character from +Finding Nemo never existed. Nemo's father has a psychotic break after losing +his entire family in the prologue and the rest of the film takes place in his +mind. + ―skyant, Aug 2016 +% +All microwaves should have an "after hours" setting that stops the beeper from +going off when your food is ready so you don't wake anybody up while you're +trying to make some Cup O' Noodles. + ―LPfor3v3r, Oct 2014 +% +There should be a dollar store in the UK called "Pound Town" + ―zoltamatron, Feb 2015 +% +The only "ads" I ever hear on Spotify are Spotify ads telling me why I should +pay to remove ads + ―AdventureMax, Jul 2016 +% +To the man who put a 'B' in 'subtle', bravo. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +In other people's dreams, I've met people I don't know. + ―ossetepo, Dec 2013 +% +Thinking back on it, saying the pledge of allegiance every morning before +school started was kind of weird and cult-like + ―SellMeAllYourKarma, Jul 2016 +% +Gary Busey's out there just doing something right now. + ―xitzengyigglz, Jun 2015 +% +Whoever put the “b” in “subtle” was a really clever person. + ―55827493827, Sep 2016 +% +People who believe in those "forward or you will die, etc" chain mails, +actually send misfortune and death to their "beloved ones" (even their own +children) to save themselves. + ―EmiliaAllerton, Oct 2016 +% +Someone should make an Eastern European dating site called "Czech Mate" + ―[deleted], Jul 2013 +% +The fact that Jessica Biel decided NOT to name her son Batmo is quite a missed +opportunity + ―tonyvirtual, Jul 2015 +% +When Im browsing reddit in bed next to my wife, NSFW means Not Safe For Wife + ―hxcdsal, Oct 2015 +% +When I have a blocked nose I think about times I didn't have a blocked nose +and how I took it for granted. + ―PM_ME_IM_SINGLE, Nov 2014 +% +Every time Albert Einstein jerked it, he had a stroke of genius. + ―alpha_helix_87, Dec 2014 +% +When you eat at home as a family, everyone eats the same meal. But if you went +out to a restaurant and everyone ordered the exact same thing, that'd be +considered strange and even frowned upon + ―sendmefrenchfries, Nov 2015 +% +It would be really convenient if my eyes could use "Ctrl+f" to search for +things. + ―360yy, Apr 2016 +% +Amazon should have a 'Things You May Like Under $5' section so we can get free +shipping for $25 when we're short and don't know what to get. + ―kratFOZ, Jul 2016 +% +Pokémon GO is just geocaching reinvented. + ―ButterUpDaBooty, Jul 2016 +% +I'm part of the last generation to know what it's like to grow up in the world +before the internet. + ―bethisnicenow, Oct 2015 +% +Healthy is simply the slowest rate at which you can die. + ―Alacritous, Jun 2013 +% +What if babies cry because they they still remember their past lives, and +leaving the ones they loved behind? + ―Jareth86, Apr 2014 +% +The most iconic villan in Indiana Jones is a large rock. + ―Dolphythedolphin, Jan 2016 +% +If an hourly worker is involved in a hostage situation at work, do they get +paid for being there? Does that make them a professional hostage? + ―AdAstraHawk, Mar 2016 +% +My "type" is a female version of me, but much better. I need to find someone +who wants a male version of herself, but much worse! + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +A room gets smaller every time you paint it. + ―BakinBacon23, Apr 2014 +% +If God really wanted to impress, he would have made Joseph pregnant. + ―truthaboutcs, Jun 2016 +% +Religious people that haven't read their Holy book are basically clicking +"Agree" without reading the Terms and Conditions + ―MatMaf, Jul 2016 +% +Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy MDMA which is pretty much the same +thing. + ―swalton2992, Apr 2015 +% +In the time span of other countries, the US is a dumb teenager with way to +much money. We spend it all on "cool" shit like weapons, and think education +is stupid + ―colehoots, Nov 2015 +% +The insides of pockets should be made of the same kind of cloth used to polish +phone screens. + ―davematts, Sep 2014 +% +Ginger was the only Spice Girl who was actually a spice. + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +I've never touched a bowling pin + ―Myztical, Jul 2015 +% +People who cook at home try to make their food taste like a professional made +it, while restaurant chefs try to make their food taste homemade. + ―astrophillo, Jan 2016 +% +I've never been so congested that I couldn't taste how shitty cough syrup is. + ―TenaciousC89, Oct 2016 +% +Couples who don't have children because they don't want to contribute to +overpopulation are the ones that ought to have children. + ―tenwordstoomuch, Dec 2014 +% +If you got a million dollars every day of your life and you lived to be 150, +you still wouldn't have anywhere near as much money as Bill Gates has. + ―thepenaltytick, Nov 2014 +% +What if time travel does exist but we don't see time travelers because, in the +long run, the 21st century isn't important or exciting enough to travel to. + ―tcalhoon, Jun 2015 +% +Why not make reddit skins that look like Microsoft Outlook, LotusNotes and +other frequently used email software so that people could browse while at +work. + ―TheManOfTimeAndSpace, Apr 2014 +% +You will never lose a game of Russian roulette as long as you live. + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +9/11 was closer to the fall of the Berlin Wall than the present day + ―honeypuppy, Jul 2013 +% +I excelled at Algebra, Calculus, and Trigonometry in high school and +college... 20 years later and I've never used any of it once and can't +remember 99% of it. + ―chainsawx72, Apr 2016 +% +Maybe if we announce that Buzzfeed's shutting down, Buzzfeed will announce +that it's shutting down. + ―One_Lurker, Mar 2015 +% +People that say "I don't care about mass surveillance, I'm not doing anything +wrong" don't realize that the people surveying you can change what is +considered 'wrong' based on their own interests. + ―CombTheDessert, Sep 2016 +% +The pope goes to Sweden and Italy is hit by a 6.66 earthquake. + ―Decestor, Oct 2016 +% +If you get fired from the unemployment office you just have to go back the +next day. + ―Tubbyfatts82, Aug 2015 +% +I'm 25 and just realized that Fruit of the Loom is a romantic way of saying +"end product of a textile factory". + ―Diskojawkey, Oct 2016 +% +When someone says, "You just made my day", it usally makes the other person's +day + ―magiclol, Jun 2013 +% +I hope I never go to jail. I haven't memorized a phone number since 2002. + ―donniesf, Dec 2015 +% +In ancient times, a bag of Trail Mix would be a luxury unlike any +other. They'd have to import chocolate from Central America, cashews from +India, almonds from Africa, peanuts from South America, and raisins from North +America. + ―solarbabies, Sep 2016 +% +"Original" means either, "unlike anyone has ever done before", or "exactly how +everyone used to do it". + ―mantorius, Jul 2014 +% +It must be hard for people in England to tell other people when they have a +bloody nose + ―JLin45, Feb 2015 +% +I wish people offered me weed as much as my health teacher said they would. + ―kingqueefsalot, Nov 2015 +% +girls in porn are so happy after a facial because they finished working + ―wardaddy_, Nov 2015 +% +Two people could be born at exactly the same time, but have different +birthdays due to the timezones. + ―Maximuso, Jul 2013 +% +Since marijuana is really just a flower, and legalization is on its way, +Cannabis Bouquets for you SO will more than likely be a thing we do in the +future + ―Deanbledblue, May 2015 +% +Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson should make a cookbook so we can finally smell what +he's been cooking. + ―wobblee, Nov 2015 +% +I can do amazing drifts, jumps and other things in racing games that I +couldn't do in real life. Yet driving normally and keeping the car on the +right side in those games is next to impossible. + ―gustavfrigolit, Jul 2016 +% +When entering a website and a video starts playing automatically, I leave +immediately and never come back + ―gloern, Oct 2016 +% +Who keeps giving homeless people sharpies? + ―Ya_ya_ya_ya, Sep 2014 +% +My girlfriend has literally sucked life out of me. + ―Scott_Free27, Apr 2015 +% +Once you've read the dictionary, every other book you read is just a remix + ―TheGreatestAlive, Apr 2015 +% +I wonder how many of Internet Explorer's first searches are "Download Chrome" + ―Silky__Mitts, Apr 2016 +% +The reason Harry wasn't chosen for Ravenclaw was because he tried to catch the +Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the fucking floor. + ―CapytannHook, Jun 2016 +% +Despite Fido being a "typical" name for a dog, I have never actually met or +heard of a dog named Fido. + ―vallence, Sep 2015 +% +It's a shame great minds think alike. If they thought differently, we'd get +double the great ideas. + ―SDFprowler, Jul 2016 +% +Someone should invent glasses you wear at the theatre that allows only the +wearers to see subtitles. + ―nomadbynature120, Jul 2016 +% +Foot fetishes are like clown phobias. I don't have either, but sometimes I can +kind of understand why people would. + ―batsdx, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder if the shower was a "bath thought". + ―leeimrie, Feb 2016 +% +As a person who visits Reddit a normal amount of time, I rarely notice +reposts. People who complain about seeing reposts over and over are basically +admitting they have a problem + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +If an egg is broken by an outside force, life ends. If an egg is broken by an +inside force, life begins. + ―RichardMoisten, Feb 2014 +% +100% of Disney queens are evil. Therefore all of the Disney princesses are +closeted psychopaths. + ―Cranberry__Sauce, Nov 2015 +% +Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option. + ―sms102, Sep 2016 +% +For the amount of sex in Game of Thrones, there's a ridiculously low number of +pregnant women and children seen. + ―thenoob14, Jun 2016 +% +The Lion King: The song 'I just can't wait to be king' is literally, 'I can't +wait for my dad to die.' + ―jck73, Jun 2016 +% +We're already living in space. + ―ovaknight, Oct 2016 +% +When you pop bubble wrap, you're releasing a bi-product of the import. Chinese +air. + ―octafed, May 2014 +% +The battery percentage left on my phone when I get home from work is roughly +equivalent to the effort level I put in while I was there. + ―furrald, Jan 2016 +% +As a 55 year old male, I thought Ariana Grande was a font. + ―DougSR01, Aug 2016 +% +"Scalping" tickets at Redskins games is especially offensive. + ―gmb87, Aug 2014 +% +People go to college mostly so they can shower before their jobs instead of +after. + ―ZombieAlpacaLips, Jan 2016 +% +Airports are the only place where I don't think twice about people drinking +booze at 7 in the morning + ―I_Never_Red_It, Apr 2016 +% +TIL should be called "What I just read on Wikipedia" + ―Invicta_Game, Jun 2015 +% +Isn't it amazing how one tiny egg, and one tiny sperm can come together and +turn into a colossal twat? + ―neolobers, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder how many page views Google gets every day from people who just want +to check if their internet is working. + ―CubesAndPi, Apr 2014 +% +I wonder if the person that will perform my autopsy has been born yet. + ―KRSFive, Nov 2014 +% +Maybe the future 2015 as seen in Back to the Future 2 was a correct +representation, but the making of the film series dramatically altered the +space time continuum. + ―CapnFancyPants, May 2014 +% +Automatic garage door openers should have carbon monoxide detectors to help +prevent suicide. + ―Monell, Sep 2014 +% +When you see a word missing an e (like Flickr or Tumblr), that's the present +trying to look like the future. When you see a word with an extra e (think Ye +Olde Towne Bar & Grille), that's the present trying to look like the past. + ―mrsaturdaypants, Apr 2015 +% +Cars should have a light on either side to indicate to other drivers which way +you plan to turn. + ―oneultralamewhiteboy, Jun 2015 +% +My dog has no way of understanding the concept of pizza delivery, so to her it +must seem like some stranger shows up every few weeks, gives me pizza, and +then leaves + ―thaFalkon, Aug 2016 +% +The Earth is slowly losing water via Astronaut pee. + ―danielbing1, Mar 2015 +% +There are three pronunciations of the letter 'a' in the name Abraham + ―TheRealCaco, Dec 2015 +% +They should do a sequel to Ferris Bueller's Day Off where he skips a day of +work as an adult. + ―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2016 +% +I really hope THIS isn't the alternate universe where Trump becomes president. + ―rharrison, Jul 2015 +% +I am willing to bet that every carpenter who has ever picked up a stud finder +has pointed it at himself, said "beep," and declared it to be in perfect +working order. + ―QuiGonGingerAle, May 2016 +% +If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your +mental illness. + ―FourWordReplies, Sep 2016 +% +The first Xbox is commonly referred to as Xbox 1, the third is called Xbox +One. The franchise name has come full circle, which is a 360. + ―tennybrains, Aug 2015 +% +Technically, you can go the rest of your life without eating. + ―VayneInVain, Oct 2015 +% +The guy who discovered popcorn must've freaked the fuck out + ―cubictortoise, Jun 2016 +% +Programming is just witchcraft with technology + ―StupidQuestions4You, Apr 2016 +% +Porn sites should have an "I'm feeling lucky" button for when you're not +really sure what you want to watch. + ―L0kiMotion, Sep 2016 +% +Much like pornography has given people unrealistic expectations of their sex +life, my time on reddit has left me deeply dissatisfied with my cat. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean; If a woman says you’re ugly she’s +envious; If a little kid says you’re ugly...you’re ugly. + ―ZeusThunder369, Apr 2015 +% +If I can't find your hours of operation within 30 seconds on your website, you +need to change your website. + ―FLHca, Feb 2016 +% +In sci-fi, the AIs that awaken & destroy humanity always have edgy names +like "Skynet" or "Matrix". In real life, it'll probably be something like +"Google Spadoodle". + ―proterozoic, Jul 2015 +% +If dismembering someone means to take off their limbs, shouldn't remembering +someone mean putting them back together? + ―Nigelmoore212, Dec 2015 +% +Shadowbanned users are like ghosts of redditors, they try to communicate with +us but can't, we feel their presence and most of the times they don't even +know they are shadowbanned. + ―it_roll, Jun 2016 +% +A $1 condom failure could cost you $250,000 + ―bingcrosbyb, May 2015 +% +We say "hair" when referring to lots of it but say "hairs" when referring to a +few. + ―KyleDM, May 2015 +% +What if people staring at you are time tourists who came back in time to see +you because in the future you're famous? + ―Werben1agerman1ensen, Oct 2015 +% +It's only socially acceptable for a person to say that they think they're +beautiful if they aren't. + ―mordeci00, Apr 2016 +% +My Wife is also my ex-girlfriend. + ―MikeHoncho43, Mar 2015 +% +"Boneless Wings" are just chicken nuggets that are marketed towards adults. + ―Pigonthewing12, Oct 2016 +% +Professors always say "don't copy stuff off the internet," but now that I can +Google all my assignments, I can see they're just copying the questions and +problem sets that other professors wrote and almost never source their work + ―SnakeLee, Nov 2015 +% +The only time you can brag about having sex to your parents is when you are +having a baby. + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +(?|?) looks like The Riddler's butt cheeks + ―FuckedAsBored, Jun 2014 +% +Snakes are just tails with faces. + ―atzyrus, Jun 2015 +% +My wife is pregnant. With the baby she has 8 limbs. Spiders have 8 limbs. I +hate spiders. I hate my wife + ―MNOutdoors, Apr 2016 +% +Tangled was surprisingly underrated compared to Frozen. + ―P403B3, Mar 2016 +% +The two NBA teams in states with legal weed are called the Nuggets and the +Blazers... + ―arnold_palmer42, Nov 2014 +% +Football is basically two coaches playing "wizard's chess." + ―VanGoghingSomewhere, Nov 2015 +% +The guy who holds the world record for "most world records" has a lead of at +least two. + ―duneboggler, Sep 2016 +% +"Taking candy from a baby" would actually be a responsible thing to do. + ―DjBravo_, Oct 2016 +% +The word "Englishman" is polite, but the word "Chinaman" is derogatory. + ―seppukuzushi, Nov 2014 +% +I really want some film maker to have an actor loudly fart in a scene but not +for comedic value, but because that shit happens. + ―eamisagomey, Apr 2014 +% +Given the choice between $1,000,000,000 or a single chicken wing, a dog will +choose the chicken wing every time. + ―CoolMikeLawrence, Aug 2014 +% +If your child is bullied for being fat, up to a certain age those children are +mocking your child for your parenting decisions + ―Richyagarwal, Aug 2015 +% +If fish could scream, fishing would probably be a lot less popular. + ―postymcpostpost, Dec 2015 +% +On April fools pornhub should have a fake notification pop-up saying +"successfully shared to Facebook" + ―jcam6972, Mar 2016 +% +When I have sex there is a chance I get viruses. When I watch porn there is a +chance my computer gets viruses. + ―onlyusernameleftsigh, May 2016 +% +Saying you enjoy "people watching" is a lot less creepy than "watching people" + ―minimas, Jul 2016 +% +Sleep is the only thing that you fake doing in order to actually do it + ―zanzibar_74, Nov 2013 +% +Every time I browse /personalfinance, I end up reading posts by people half my +age complaining about making twice as much as I do. + ―42words, Jul 2016 +% +The fact that an ad thanking me for not using Adblock is the only one that +managed to sneak through my Adblock is hilarious. + ―ThisIsForRandall, Dec 2015 +% +In GTA I only get shot if I'm wielding a gun or a crime has actually been +committed. Proving that video games are only slightly less violent than the +reality they are based on. + ―Nato-jenkins, Jul 2016 +% +The Christian church is the world's largest book club. + ―JackSomebody, Sep 2014 +% +I want to hear my native language as a foreign language + ―Rqwt, Apr 2016 +% +Obi-Wan hid Luke on Tatooine because he knew how much his father hated sand. + ―oakenday, Oct 2016 +% +Saying "prematurely" is really just mashing together the phrase "pretty much +too early." Say it quickly and you'll understand. + ―xlbrainslushies, Apr 2015 +% +The person who coined the phrase "coined the phrase" coined the phrase. + ―harleycummins, Aug 2016 +% +If I legally changed my name to "They're All a Bunch of Useless Assholes" and +then got my name on the ballot, I could win the presidency by a landslide. + ―Smeghead333, Oct 2015 +% +I almost didn't join Reddit because the layout was so annoying, but now I +couldn't imagine it any other way. + ―Subwaycookienipples, Mar 2016 +% +Do hipsters go on Amazon and sort clothing by least to most popular? + ―Adeang, Apr 2016 +% +"Firefly," is the opposite of "waterfall." + ―internetcapo, Jul 2015 +% +"Www" is 9 syllables long, whereas "World wide web" is three syllables long. + ―WorzelBummidge, Jul 2015 +% +The biggest joke of spongebob is that he works at a fast-food place and can +afford a house + ―hiimchey, Jan 2016 +% +In Game of Thrones, the Night's Watch should really consider wearing white +cloaks instead of black ones in order to blend with the snow and not be +spotted. + ―Vitrin99, Jun 2016 +% +Bumper cars is a terrible way to introduce driving to kids + ―guitarium, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if I've already worn the clothes I'm going to die in. + ―corekeymaker, Dec 2013 +% +I wonder if I've ever pressed the "8" key on my microwave. + ―FreshGnar, Aug 2015 +% +We should surround sarcastic text with curly brackets. {Oh, what a great +idea!} + ―DrLemonPepper, Oct 2015 +% +As I get older, birthday parties are less about presents and more about +presence + ―BareLondis, May 2016 +% +I'm not sure if Samsung re-branding the Galaxy as the Phoenix would be a +brilliant or disastrous marketing move. + ―Arugulaboogaloo, Oct 2016 +% +In the year 2020, it will be 4/20 for an entire month. + ―castroifyer, Dec 2013 +% +USA is like your hipster friend who hates mainstream stuff like soccer and the +metric system. + ―_new_username_, Feb 2016 +% +Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" is all about honesty and it's been +used to be dishonest millions of times. + ―SwimmingNaked, Apr 2015 +% +There's no way for me to say that generalizations are stupid without being a +hypocrite. + ―doorkn00b, Dec 2015 +% +It's harder for kids to buy a rated M game than to get access to porn + ―AlphaQsofaKingDirty, Dec 2015 +% +I wonder if trees are allergic to our sperm too. + ―kinngshaun, Mar 2016 +% +A non-English speaker would never believe the spoken sentence "Ted had said +that Ed had edited it" means anything. + ―ChalkboardCowboy, Apr 2015 +% +Highwaythoughts: On the back of road signs, they should put the text in +reverse, that way, you can read the sign you just passed in your rear view +mirror, in case you missed it the first time. + ―techwiz850, May 2015 +% +Toothpaste manufacturers: why don't you release a toothpaste that does +"everything" instead of making me feel guilty about choosing which aspect of +my teeth i'm neglecting everytime i buy a specific toothpaste? + ―frankreynoldsisgod, Jul 2016 +% +The word "Dude" is gender neutral. Because I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a +dude. We're all dudes. + ―Awesomanti, Sep 2016 +% +Dragons can't blow out candles + ―[deleted], Feb 2014 +% +If all fingerprints are unique, and act as friction pads, then some people are +inherently better at holding onto things than others. + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +Dog heaven and squirrel hell are the same place. + ―txcowmobeeler, Apr 2016 +% +Don't get mad if you parents ask "simple tech questions" because they taught +you how to use a spoon. + ―Thechangingboy, Jul 2016 +% +Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting divorced would be great marketing for a +Mr. & Mrs. Smith 2. + ―Lootjoy, Sep 2016 +% +Netflix should introduce a feature were long-distance couples can watch the +same movie at the same time. + ―siktha, Jan 2015 +% +There should be a mute button on microwaves so that midnight snacks would be +one second less stressful + ―RFOX7777, Aug 2015 +% +I will drink hot coffee, I will drink iced coffee, but I will dump room +temperature coffee down the drain. + ―PerhapsAlaska, Oct 2015 +% +If you illegally download a movie in Jamaica, does that make you a Pirate of +the Caribbean? + ―CUNEXTUESDAY11, Dec 2013 +% +If an illegal immigrant fought a child molester would it be Predator VS. Alien + ―BrawlinStalin, Jul 2015 +% +Public school is doing a great job of preparing kids for real life by showing +them what it's like to work for a poorly managed company. + ―trickyshiksa, Sep 2015 +% +What if there's no such thing as the Placebo Effect, and instead, sugar just +actually cures everything + ―Bigtuna546, Sep 2016 +% +Just counting from 1 to 2 you skipped an infinite amount of numbers + ―xmilk_N_cereal, Mar 2016 +% +Teenagers drive like they have limited time & old people drive like they +have all the time in the world + ―mcrfreak78, Nov 2013 +% +In your lifetime you are the first one to be born and the last to die. + ―Kingoflionbears, Feb 2014 +% +Animated gifs are bringing us back to an era of silent comedy. + ―ForenameSurname, Jul 2015 +% +If ancient Egyptians could see the internet today, they'd be very proud of the +amount of cat videos. + ―kyrind, Apr 2016 +% +I've never been big on going to Japan, but if Nintendo made a Disney-land +style theme park called Nintendoland with all the different characters and +worlds as attractions, I'd blow all of my savings on the first flight over + ―ccbuddyrider, Feb 2015 +% +Inside every beautiful skyscraper are pipelines of shit that are constantly +flowing. + ―TheCoastalService, Feb 2015 +% +Do you ever see a stranger in a random place and think "this is probably the +only time I will ever see this person in my lifetime" and feel sad? + ―patientlistener431, Apr 2016 +% +"You'll need an account to do that" generally actually means "An account is +absolutely unnecessary to do that, but we're locking you out of it until you +give us your personal information" + ―blueberriesnpancakes, Apr 2016 +% +If a doctor is performing an abortion, and someone barges in yelling, "Abort, +abort!", does he stop, or get really enthusiastic? + ―iGALEXY, Oct 2014 +% +If 50 years ago you told people that there would be only 8 planets in the +future, they would think something incredibly exciting would happen. + ―jatefromstakefarm, Nov 2015 +% +iOS icons shake in fear of being deleted. + ―Azki50, Oct 2014 +% +If every atom in your body is replaced every seven years, does that mean that +if I don't have sex for 7 years my penis is technically a virgin? + ―postymcpostpost, Aug 2015 +% +Televangelists who claim to have healing powers or cure diseases should be +prevented from using the healthcare system and be forced to rely on their own +powers. + ―PuffyHerb, Sep 2015 +% +If you get your tongue stuck in a mouse trap you will pronounce it mouth trap +for a short period of time. + ―jaseface0714, Oct 2015 +% +The 'old me' was younger. + ―theribler, Feb 2016 +% +I should invest in gorilla suits now before the Halloween rush hits. + ―totosushi, Jun 2016 +% +The slowest way to die is by living. + ―LaPXL8R, May 2014 +% +Dementors in Harry Potter never fed on Ron Weasley because he's a ginger. + ―genno334, Jun 2015 +% +If the first humans waited another day before having sex none of us would +exist + ―harvsicle, Jul 2016 +% +Dogs get taller when they sit down. + ―ron_manager, Nov 2013 +% +It should be illegal for video ads to be longer than the video you're trying +to watch... + ―Pretz_, Nov 2014 +% +Babysitters are just teenagers who act like adults so adults can go out and +act like teenagers. + ―ChrisTaliaferro, Jun 2015 +% +In all my life I have probably seen over ten thousand squirrels wandering +around. Never once have I seen one pooping. + ―the_y_of_the_tiger, Oct 2015 +% +Sesame Street never taught me how to get to Sesame Street + ―jayt236, Jun 2016 +% +Hotel vending machines should accept your room key as payment and have it +charged to the room. + ―BrandtHasToPay100, Oct 2016 +% +Flare guns are least effective on the 4th of July and New Year's Eve + ―StonedToDaBone, Mar 2014 +% +Peter Parker/Spiderman makes a living selling his selfies. + ―emoo141, Jul 2014 +% +Just realised that Popeye, my favourite cartoon when I was a kid, was +basically about a guy who took performance enhancing drugs to rescue his +girlfriend from abduction, forced marriage and rape. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +A hoax about a Mewtwo next to my business will be more powerful that any other +kind of ad + ―irek19, Jul 2016 +% +Does a prostitute say "it's been business doing pleasure with you"? + ―meetmeintheuniverse, Oct 2013 +% +Instagram would be a great nickname for a drug dealer + ―RustbeltRoots, Jul 2014 +% +A spoon is just a tiny bowl on a stick. + ―maelstrom197, Jan 2015 +% +When we colonize Mars Time zones are gonna get a lot more complicated + ―Ookami82, Mar 2015 +% +That "your pornstar name is" thing is an elaborate con to get the name of your +first pet and the street you grew up on to answer security questions. + ―thegrinderofpizza, Aug 2015 +% +It's OK to cry in a job interview if you're an actor + ―pimack, Jun 2016 +% +If 9/11 had happened in June, Seven-Eleven would have been screwed. + ―TopHatz, Jul 2013 +% +I just looked at a picture of a brain and I was grossed out by it. My own +brain doesn't like how it looks. + ―pancakemaster16240, May 2014 +% +The word for symmetry should have been a palindrome. + ―Hoggzeh, Aug 2015 +% +Reddit is the only place where I'm more likely to read the comments then the +actual content. + ―Hepheastus, Apr 2016 +% +How many animals did we try to ride before we got the right one. + ―Archan_, Oct 2015 +% +My proofreading abilities improve immeasurably the second I click Send or +Submit. + ―inthedrink, Mar 2016 +% +If an anthropologist was studying my sexual habits, they would think that my +biggest turn on was doing homework. + ―GoddamntCharlie, Nov 2014 +% +My first instinct when I see an animal is to say hello. My first instinct when +I see a person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away. + ―handygoat, Jun 2015 +% +Saying: ''Rip my inbox" when you recieve a lot of replies is weird considering +your inbox is probably the most alive it has been. + ―Barack_Bob_Oganja, Sep 2016 +% +Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888, when your friend ask just tell him +it's 12345678 + ―marseitindel, Sep 2016 +% +Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "you're awesome" or +"looking good" and call them Complimentos. + ―ODzyns, Jul 2015 +% +If you think about it, kidney stones are like human pearls + ―Gundog75, Sep 2015 +% +In Orwell's 1984, they had a nationally enforced daily exercise plan, and +guaranteed employment. We don't even have that. + ―velaxtrum, Feb 2016 +% +Sleeping is mostly fake it till you make it + ―ultrakaijuu, May 2016 +% +There is a "d" in fridge but not refrigerator. + ―Traiectensium, Nov 2013 +% +On his return home, Colombus took several Native Americans with him. They +should be credited with discovering Europe. + ―chris45215, Oct 2014 +% +Animals that are caught, tagged and released must feel like they were abducted +by aliens. + ―CodimusPrime, Mar 2016 +% +Putting a case on your phone after its cracked is like putting a condom on +your kid's head + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +I feel uncomfortable calling someone from Mexico a "Mexican," or calling +someone who follows Judaism a "Jew," even though they are technically correct +terms, because assholes use those words as derogatory insults. + ―cutethulu, Aug 2016 +% +If you say grace before you eat leftovers, I bet God is like, "Dude, I JUST +blessed this chicken not even 24 hours ago, give it a rest." + ―ChrisTaliaferro, Oct 2016 +% +Facebook is a Pokedex for people. + ―[deleted], Aug 2013 +% +If The wolf of wallstreet showed just 10 seconds of some family loosing their +home beacause of bad investments the movie would feel totally different. + ―[deleted], Jan 2014 +% +My chemistry textbook is a bunch of atoms trying to explain atoms to me. + ―Elmovimiento, Sep 2016 +% +The phrase “Don’t you dare” is actually the phrase “Do not you dare”. And that +confuses me. + ―JackCrow1995, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a +clam in half to make that cute bikini top... + ―ChrisTaliaferro, May 2015 +% +If a girl walks into the bar with her tits half showing, and I look, I'm a +pervert. If I walk into a bar with my cock half showing, and a girl looks, +then I'm still a pervert. + ―sumnewdguy, Aug 2015 +% +Considering i routinely masturbate and defecate in the presence of my +cellphone, I should think twice before putting anyone's cellphone close to my +face ever again. + ―palmerry, Feb 2016 +% +I wonder how many people have successfully hid from me when they saw me +walking toward them. + ―reddits_sweetheart, Jun 2015 +% +"Smelly" means something smells bad, but "tasty" means something tastes good + ―_Search_, Dec 2015 +% +Loner. Live alone. No family or real friends.. If I die while out and about, +my dogs will probably starve at home. + ―Jacob090, Sep 2016 +% +It blows my mind that humans can "accidentally" produce life. + ―studioRaLu, Oct 2016 +% +On Reddit, it's more risqué to show your face than it is to show your +butthole. + ―MagnusPI, Dec 2014 +% +My child will likely never know the reflex when a song ends to automatically +'hear' the next song start playing in his head... some people reading this +here probably don't even know what I'm talking about. + ―therealfarmerjoe, Apr 2015 +% +People quickly dismiss scientists when they provide huge amounts of evidence +like climate change, but believe eating chocolate helps you lose weight +"because scientists of Harvard said so". + ―BornInTheRSA, Nov 2015 +% +The worst part about parents who don't vaccinate is an underlying prejudice +against the autistic; they'd rather risk a dead child instead of an autistic +child. + ―Poli_Sci_Analyst, Oct 2015 +% +When a girl says she's "not your typical girl" it makes me think she's a +pretty typical girl. + ―chubrub97, May 2016 +% +If I sold cocaine, I would use the line "is Pepsi okay?" Everyday + ―qtip12, Jun 2015 +% +With Jesus Christ's blood-alcohol level being about 14% alcohol (typical of +wine), it is very irresponsible to encourage him to take the wheel. + ―mwhaskin, Jul 2015 +% +Spongebob is actually about a boss that underpays and overworks his employees +to the point of insanity, depression, and even mental breakdowns. + ―DigiDukeMaster, Jun 2016 +% +Somewhere, a super model is having diarrhea. + ―Blink1EightyJew, Nov 2013 +% +It only takes three generations for you to be basically forgotten + ―OfficerBrando, Aug 2015 +% +When the human body gets sick it heats up to kill off germs. The earth is sick +and its heating up will probably kill off humans. Are we earth germs? + ―PM_ME_YOUR_OUTRAGE, Jun 2016 +% +When I was a child I spent 25 cents for about four minutes of an arcade game, +but as an adult I won't pay $1 for a Mobile game I play for hours. + ―babydoom1, Aug 2016 +% +A lot of people died in order for us to know which fruits we can and cannot +eat. + ―yonkatonka, Apr 2014 +% +There should be a Mario Party theme park where we can go and play real life +Mario Party. It would probably be a great way to end friendships. + ―Brawndo28, Apr 2015 +% +There is no greater human sense than then the male sense of hearing whilst +watching porn in an occupied house. + ―24h00, Dec 2015 +% +Crucifixion is actually a very ironic death for a carpenter. + ―ReluctantRedditor275, Dec 2013 +% +Am I the only one who thinks that TL;DR: should be at the *start* or a post? + ―Forvalaka, Dec 2015 +% +Fat people have more skin, so aren't they actually *more* skinny than thin +people? + ―FluffDaddy69, Feb 2014 +% +Global warming is the revenge of dinosaur ghosts because we disturbed their +oily slumber. + ―24points2blue, Aug 2014 +% +Lighting a candle for each year of your life on a birthday cake and then +blowing them out is a weird existentialist ritual that symbolizes how your +life will inevitably be extinguished. + ―jeremiahsgoat, Jan 2015 +% +'I work for one of the richest companies in the world' is a lot better than +saying 'I work at Walmart.' + ―Storytellerbobfan, Sep 2016 +% +We contemplate so much in the shower because it's one of the few places we +can't use electronic devices to distract ourselves. + ―WhaddaYaKnowJoe, Mar 2014 +% +One thing I'm glad about the year 2016 is that it's easier to correct the +mistake of writing 15 to 16 + ―ssyssy, Dec 2015 +% +The word "crescent" begins with a crescent. The word "squiggle" begins with a +squiggle. The word "oval" begins with an oval. + ―StormCrow1770, Jan 2016 +% +Dog breeders literally live by the motto, "fuck bitches, get money." + ―honeybadgerexpress, Feb 2015 +% +If there was an XP meter on my life, I'd be way more motivated to do things. + ―jowns7, Nov 2015 +% +When horses win races we credit their lineage. When humans win races we credit +their training. + ―i-downvote-memes, Aug 2016 +% +the people born the day before or after the cutoff point to start kindergarten +were close to having a completely different life + ―thefinalaccountdown, Sep 2016 +% +Netflix needs an incognito mode so I can watch stupid things and not have +similar stuff recommended to me + ―the_whalerus, Oct 2016 +% +When I play a video game, I go out of my way to talk to every person I see. In +real life, I go out of my way to avoid talking to every person I see + ―Steakarino, Aug 2016 +% +I think we should launch flat-earthers into orbit. Not so they see the earth, +just so they are gone. + ―Laez, Sep 2016 +% +If you rotate "up" by 180 degrees, it becomes "dn". (up/dn) + ―PaintedCeiling, Dec 2013 +% +Great Britain learned one crazy trick to lose billions of pounds overnight. + ―Manfrenjensenjen, Jun 2016 +% +If you are 19 or 23 you are both mathematically and physically in your prime. + ―RadiatorSam, Feb 2014 +% +I guess the moral of Willy Wonka is that 4/5 children are obnoxious and should +just die. + ―punkindrublicrpp, Aug 2014 +% +We don't get chain E-mail anymore because the people that proliferated it are +sharing useless crap on Facebook now. + ―surebertt, Feb 2016 +% +Childhood memories are a bit like being drunk. You don't remember all of it, +and you cringe at some of the stuff you do remember. + ―forksmith, Aug 2016 +% +Public bathrooms should have background music playing so you don't have to sit +in silence listening to EVERYTHING happening in the stalls next to you. + ―Halfsane1, Feb 2015 +% +Because I'm dating the identical twin of one of my coworkers, I can't tell my +friends at work how hot my date is without sexually harassing a colleague by +extension. + ―soulonefifteen, May 2015 +% +Let's give the top 100 richest people in the world cancer and see how long it +takes to be cured. + ―kittyonmeth, Sep 2016 +% +I have never confused Digiorno pizza with delivery + ―popdisaster00, Mar 2015 +% +How It's Made is the only show that gets better the more they run out of ideas + ―Awareofthat, Aug 2016 +% +If someone tells you that they are making 6 figures a year they either have a +really great job or they're the worst worker in a toy factory. + ―goateyboyjr, Oct 2016 +% +I wonder how many photos I'm in that I'll never see. + ―vaginas_are_weird, Jul 2014 +% +Sour, bitter and salty are very different tastes but very similar moods. + ―NotTooSpecial, Sep 2016 +% +What if hipsters are all time travelers, and they just use the phrase "You +probably haven't heard of it" to cover up slips when they reference something +that's not big yet? + ―Ae3qe27u, Oct 2015 +% +I want to see a hydraulic press crushed by a bigger hydraulic press. + ―the_lock, Apr 2016 +% +Marriage proposals are weird. The proposer gets to take as long as he/she +wants to determine whether they want to spend the rest of their life with +someone. The proposee is expected to make a split-second decision. + ―PRGuyHere, Aug 2014 +% +None of the billions of decisions you've made in your life did anything to +stop you from reading this. + ―Nessfull, Sep 2014 +% +It's 2:30am and you'll probably never see this. How many hundreds of +brilliant, life-changing thoughts and ideas are lost on Reddit each day, +simply due to being posted at the wrong time? + ―colellasj, Feb 2015 +% +There should only be one cheerleader per team. The rest should be +cheermembers. + ―cokeidiot, Mar 2015 +% +Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when +they spin it looks a halo + ―letroller, Jun 2015 +% +I will never know true disappointment like the first people did when they +found the ocean and tried to drink it. + ―moseybjones, Aug 2016 +% +Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died. + ―austinjmulka, Oct 2015 +% +As a British guy on Reddit, I've seen hundreds of pictures from the Superbowl, +seen at least 2 of the adverts during the commercial breaks, seen clips of the +half time show, and even know how much the drinks cost. But I still have no +idea who won. + ―copeman, Feb 2016 +% +The debate moderators should be able to mute the mics of both candidates in +order to move on to the next subject instead of trying to talk over them. + ―midjuneau, Sep 2016 +% +If periods were a side-effect of a fertility drug, the FDA would never approve +it. + ―pegstrom, Jul 2014 +% +The owner of a dildo company is getting paid to make people go and fuck +themselves + ―Shazamo_, Aug 2015 +% +If you throw ice down a street and watch it skip against the pavement you're +essentially skipping stones on water but exactly the opposite. + ―hiimtom477, May 2013 +% +In the year 2020, there will be a whole month of 4/20 + ―HOLD-SHIFT, Jun 2015 +% +If you have an older sibling that is the same gender as you, your parents like +their name better than yours. + ―murf6464, Sep 2014 +% +The older that I get, the more the movie "Office Space" feels like a sad, sad +reflection of life, rather than a comedy. + ―DapperedGator, May 2016 +% +Fight Club and Crossfit's rules are exactly opposite + ―theprophet84, Feb 2015 +% +In the 2020 election we are going to see a lot of ads about having 20/20 +vision (for the future). + ―myusernameforporn, Apr 2014 +% +Maybe people have successfully made time machines but didnt realize that our +galaxy cluster is traveling like 350 miles a second. And so they traveled back +or forward in time and end up in empty space and thus die and cannot reveal to +us that their machine worked. + ―JoMiMa, Jul 2016 +% +Do caterpillars know they will be butterfly's or do they just build the cocoon +and wake up like woah what happened? + ―Golfguy5801, Apr 2014 +% +If there are 7 billion people on Earth, that means that every second the +collective human consciousness experiences 222 years. + ―wheep, Nov 2015 +% +If you've never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to +complain about buffering. + ―dexterjam, Jul 2016 +% +We are all technically unpaid employees of reddit + ―Creddit2Reddit, Jul 2015 +% +Nabisco should sell Oreo cream in a jar as a spread to put on any cookie. + ―Jeremy1026, Feb 2016 +% +If nudism became the social norm, I bet you'd have to shave your pubes into +fun fashionable shapes + ―TDrizzles, May 2014 +% +Do you think there are more spoons than people? + ―stratis303, Apr 2015 +% +The 3 c's in "child care centre" are all pronounced differently + ―megaminxwin, Mar 2016 +% +The world will end on somebody's birthday. + ―futureprez2016, Oct 2016 +% +We're scared of being abducted by aliens, yet we go to other planets with the +plan of "abducting" their organisms. + ―thefakejimmyfallon, Nov 2014 +% +When you masturbate, you are basically lying to your penis. + ―zePiNdA, Feb 2015 +% +I've never once thought, "Wow, I'm glad Num Lock isn't enabled by default." + ―Happy_Harry, Feb 2016 +% +Many of the worlds problems will go unsolved due to lack of funding. Meaning, +we are limited not by resources and ability to accomplish, but by a system of +currency and worth that is completely man-made. We created our own restriction +to success. + ―crom8i3, Aug 2014 +% +The United States should aim for 53 states. That way it would truly be one +nation, indivisible. + ―tired_of_bacon, Jul 2015 +% +Chewed up mashed potatoes are still just mashed potatoes. + ―emn234, Dec 2015 +% +What if Aunt Jemima is Mrs. Butterworth and her full name is Jemima +Butterworth? + ―oz24, Mar 2014 +% +One morning I'll wake up,open Reddit and find out my country is at war + ―givemefooddragon, Jan 2016 +% +If I brush my teeth everyday at 11:59 PM for two minutes, then I'm brushing my +teeth twice a day. + ―thecooltodd, Aug 2016 +% +I've masturbated more this year than I have had hot dinners. + ―oculusface, Feb 2015 +% +600 years in the future, there's a historian who would be absolutely thrilled +to have a conversation with me + ―Ep1cDuCK, Jun 2015 +% +As an adult on reddit I have to remind myself that I'm oftentimes arguing with +teenagers + ―zjbird, Jul 2016 +% +The words 'good' and 'evil' are both a letter from 'god' and 'devil' + ―CokeSniffa, Aug 2016 +% +If I ever do make it to Reddits from page, it will be a lonely victory. If I +tell my friends then they will see the rest of the weird stuff I said. + ―tryingtofindanswers, Jun 2016 +% +What if Egyptians didn't literally worship cats but treated them like we do +and made memes and jokes and stairs dedicated to them for fun + ―LaboriousLlama, Jul 2016 +% +I insult my best friend more than someone I hate. + ―singh_sahil24, Aug 2016 +% +If there's a Reddit in the afterlife, I bet the TIFU would be a good read. + ―thechadwicked, Sep 2015 +% +Pizza is always a pie chart about how much pizza is left. + ―ShmimonC, Mar 2014 +% +There should be a reverse Viagra that keeps your penis flaccid so you don't +get a boner in an awkward situation. + ―Ayrey, May 2015 +% +Only a really bad autobiography would need an "About the Author" section. + ―int_inf_min, Sep 2016 +% +Women with breast implants are affecting evolution because men who are +attracted to big boobs are actually breeding with smaller chested women. + ―Mr_Potamus, Dec 2014 +% +If you crush a cockroach, you're a hero. If you crush a beautiful butterfly, +you're a villain. Morals have aesthetic criteria. + ―everydayjerk, Jun 2015 +% +A lot of people are now unknowingly celebrating their last New Year's Eve. + ―-HeisenBird-, Jan 2016 +% +Once you earn the title "oldest person alive", you keep it for the rest of +your life. + ―invictus_athlete, Apr 2016 +% +Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is going to suck. + ―-iamverysmart-, Dec 2015 +% +Duck Dynasty is essentially Keeping Up with the Kardashians for rednecks + ―nightspirit322, Sep 2014 +% +On /r/Pregnant, OP delivers. + ―LukeNukem99, Oct 2014 +% +I bet Kanye West will be the first person to perform with the hologram of +Kanye West + ―Dressy_Ent, Nov 2015 +% +Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world's +last Oreo. + ―ChrisTaliaferro, May 2015 +% +What if there's a billionaire who wants to give away free ipods/ipads, but +only knows how to using poorly designed ads. + ―stelles, Jul 2015 +% +My oven's lowest setting is 0°C but it doesn't become a fridge. + ―Cheriiii, Mar 2016 +% +We're taught to be aware of external danger before the situation arises like a +fire in a building, but no one teaches us how to be aware of internal/mental +signs of danger like suicide or depression. Coping mechanisms should be taught +before the mental danger, not after depression hits. + ―Astro_Vampire, Oct 2016 +% +My mental comments as a lurker were so much funnier than my real comments now +that I have a Reddit account. + ―mynameiskyleok, Oct 2016 +% +Mr. Weasley is so fascinated by muggles because their modern technology is the +result of necessity and solved inconveniences that magic people have never +experienced. The wizarding world is basically still in medieval times, it's +like seeing the future to him. + ―TheUnclescar, Jun 2016 +% +Cannibalism could potentially solve both world hunger and overpopulation. + ―SubsNotDubs, Sep 2016 +% +If woman only got pregnant when they orgasm, teen pregnancy wouldn't be as +much of a problem. + ―JosephNichola, Oct 2016 +% +Being on reddit means you're too weird for Facebook, but not weird enough for +4chan + ―marikaga, Mar 2016 +% +Nintendo just inadvertently created the best "I'm totally not here for a drug +deal" excuse ever. + ―Cudderlicious, Jul 2016 +% +Raisins are nothing but grape jerky + ―kaboomkyle, May 2014 +% +If every human began as a single cell, and it's estimated that the adult human +body has over 37 trillion cells, you have increased your size by +3,700,000,000,000,000% you fat fuck + ―abredar, Jun 2015 +% +Not once in my life have I stepped into somebody's house and thought, "I sure +hope I get an apology for 'the mess'." + ―AndItsDeepToo, Aug 2016 +% +What if most of our illnesses come from the lack of sunlight on our genitals? + ―BalthazarBadia, Aug 2013 +% +Reddit is social media for people who think they're too good for social media. + ―timbojj, Sep 2015 +% +What if the rapture happened already, but no one even realized it because only +like 15 people were taken + ―BasicallyVictoria, Sep 2015 +% +The '&' symbol looks like a person dragging their ass along the ground + ―Hairy_Cheeks, Oct 2015 +% +Bruce Wayne could do a lot more to fight crime in Gotham City by funding youth +programs with his immense wealth instead of dressing up like a bat and dishing +out vigilante justice. + ―Seiferus, Dec 2014 +% +In the next hundred years 7 billion people will die... + ―megachirops95, Apr 2015 +% +CNN used to blame video games for mass shootings. Now we blame CNN for +reporting on the shooters. + ―Oh_Fuck_Naw, Oct 2015 +% +When Stan Lee finally passes, the next superhero movie released afterwards +should have a scene where characters meet in front of his (actual) gravestone, +so he can have one last "cameo". + ―RogueViator, May 2016 +% +Memes are just public inside jokes. + ―jakelikescake, Jun 2016 +% +You are not "raising a child" you are "training a future adult" + ―VinnyRuns, Aug 2015 +% +If Kanye Really Needs The Money He Should Just Make A Sex Tape With Ray J + ―wordfiend99, Feb 2016 +% +Now that I'm older, I'm convinced the characters of Scooby Doo are just +chronic pot smokers who trip about monsters for a half hour before realizing +it's just the janitor in a mask messing with them. + ―machine_fart, Jul 2016 +% +I wonder if Rick Astley thinks, "Got me again, you bastard" every time he +looks in a mirror + ―HumanClaymore, Sep 2016 +% +Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don't they just get +them really drunk? + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +The ancient Greeks were the first people to have showers as well as +philosophers. Coincidence? I don't think so! + ―iGOTaCROCODILEmate, Oct 2015 +% +Somehow we always assume that aliens would walk around naked. + ―talkshit-gethugged, Jun 2016 +% +Naming your cat "Whiskers" is like naming your kid "Eyebrows." + ―Jorogasm, Jul 2016 +% +I wonder how many people have a picture of me riding a roller-coaster with +them in their house? + ―RiseOfBacon, Sep 2016 +% +You will never feel how long time is until you have allergies and snot slowly +dripping out of your nostrils, while sitting in a classroom with no tissues. + ―Alzores, Sep 2016 +% +If Cinderella would have taken off all her clothes by midnight, she could have +stayed with the prince. + ―SimplisticAnswer, Sep 2014 +% +The older I get, the more I realize there are no grown ups and nobody knows +what the fuck they’re doing. + ―stevheng, Jun 2015 +% +I may not be 2016 healthy, but I’m 1816 healthy. + ―CourtneyClaire, Aug 2016 +% +While millions of people are struggling to find water, we shit in it every +morning. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +We eat candy that tastes like fruit instead of just eating fruit. + ―Keenangs, Mar 2015 +% +US grenades are shaped like baseballs because it's something young soldiers +would have experience throwing. The next generation of grenades should be +shaped like X-Box controllers. + ―ZizeksHobobeard, Jul 2016 +% +We have self driving cars, but we can't figure out a way to make sensor +faucets actually work when we wave our hand under them. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +There’s a stereotype that black people are lazy. I don’t know if that’s true, +but I know white people went all the way to Africa to get out of doing work. + ―[deleted], May 2014 +% +My contacts list looks more like a museum of people I talked to at some point +in my life. + ―TequilaTitan, Sep 2015 +% +Any of you could be my next door nieghbor. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +If a website blocks me from viewing them with an adblocker, I'm perfectly fine +with closing the tab 100% of the time. + ―justintoronto, Apr 2016 +% +Earth is the third planet from the sun, so all of our problems are technically +third world problems. + ―canihaveausername, Jun 2016 +% +"Firefly" uses an opposite pair of words than "waterfall" + ―Woymalep_Yay, Jul 2016 +% +The term "rekt" is basically 2015's version of "pwnd" + ―Matthew75126, Mar 2015 +% +If a baby is born on an airplane and then the plane crashes, it's possible +that their date of death precedes their date of birth. + ―allaboutthosevibes, May 2015 +% +My phone doesn't autocorrect when I'm typing in all caps because it thinks I'm +extremely angry and doesn't want to get involved. + ―torlad, Sep 2015 +% +Being God must be awesome. You can ignore prayers and no one gets pissed. Then +when something positive happens you get the credit! + ―[deleted], Nov 2015 +% +The reason I'm good at talking to people who are down on themselves is because +I tell them everything I've wanted to be told myself. + ―Noonifer, Aug 2016 +% +Scandinavian women are so gorgeous because the Vikings only brought back the +hot women from their pillages + ―aakksshhaayy, Feb 2015 +% +If they started doing pub crawls of marijuana dispensaries, they should be +called grasshoppers + ―Double0Dixie, May 2015 +% +The people who call younger generations lazy are the same people who feel +inconvenienced by having to press a button for "English." + ―skatecarter, Apr 2016 +% +Schrödinger's Ex: By not checking an ex's social media accounts and nor asking +about them, they can neither be happier nor unhappier than yourself. + ―wolfesluck, Apr 2016 +% +Instead of a "pearl necklace", it should be called a "chestnut". + ―falcontiger, Nov 2014 +% +Having a child is like having a really shitty roommate that never cooks, +cleans, or pays rent. + ―ProfLiar, Sep 2016 +% +There should be a "registered false rape accusation" database much like we +have a "registered sex offender" database. + ―RiverCard, Dec 2014 +% +Farts are like children. I'm proud of mine and disgusted by yours. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +Dating a girl is like working in customer service: What do you need? How can I +help? Tell me your problem. Customer is always right. + ―pchrishatfield, Mar 2016 +% +The reason Homer Simpson has gotten more stupid over the Seasons is because of +alcohol neuron death. + ―Geovicsha, Jun 2014 +% +We should start a campaign to get people to interrupt Kanye West. Everywhere. + ―SpookyGeek, Feb 2015 +% +Most Christians are still waiting for OP to deliver. + ―wheeloficeandfire, Nov 2014 +% +Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the +cremation a bit more interesting + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +I wonder who the first person to grab an active bee hive and crack it open +thinking, " I bet those bastards are hiding something delicious in here" was. + ―CountOnZOly, Jun 2016 +% +I hate when I've spent the whole morning on the Internet and then I sit down +to go to the bathroom and I realize I've read all of the things. + ―THEDARKNIGHT485, Aug 2016 +% +Santa is actually pretty evil. Unfair labor practices, animal abuse, breaking +and entering, surveillance, at least one hit and run (RIP Grandma). + ―MCwaffle89, Dec 2013 +% +Why do storm troopers wear that cumbersome looking armor if all it takes is +one shot from a blaster to kill them anyway? + ―Neverhugaduck, Sep 2015 +% +The voice in my head is an exceptionally good singer + ―Melodiic, Apr 2016 +% +When people don't sit next to me on public transit I feel both slightly +relieved and slightly rejected. + ―eighthedition, May 2016 +% +What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady but we'll never know because he +can't stand up? + ―X0AN, Jun 2016 +% +The Girl-Scouts should name their cookies after famous women of history. + ―CannabinoidAndroid, Mar 2015 +% +The other side of the river must be littered with perfect skipping stones. + ―WizardSleeves118, Apr 2015 +% +I wish Reddit had a counter of how many times I've clicked "reply", started +typing, then realized I don't actually care enough about the topic at hand to +get in a multi-hour debate with OP/OC. + ―SWFK, Mar 2016 +% +Saying "What an ass." about a guy is an insult, but saying it about a girl is +a compliment + ―shredshredshredshred, Sep 2014 +% +I have no problem letting my mouth fill with saliva, then swallowing it. If +you asked me to spit into a clean glass and pour it back into my mouth, +however, I'd probably vomit. + ―JM1LZ, Jan 2016 +% +There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I'm not sure who to +believe. + ―nihilo503, Jan 2015 +% +I'm a 33 year old man and I still sing the alphabet when I arrange things +alphabetically + ―belly_bell, Jan 2016 +% +Kindergarten teachers are probably the best Capatcha solvers. + ―Top_Lagger, Jan 2016 +% +The next version of Android should be named "Oranges," so we can finally +compare apples to oranges. + ―jonbrig, Jun 2016 +% +Does Ke$ha go by K€sha in Europe + ―Gingerhobbit6, Aug 2016 +% +Netflix needs an “ending soon” feature based on stuff you’re in the middle of +watching so it doesn’t just disappear on you one day. + ―Kevin_mark32, Aug 2016 +% +if I ever made the front page, I couldn't tell my friends because I don't want +them to know who I am on the internet + ―ASLOBEAR, Oct 2016 +% +If Malala from "I am Malala" does an AMA, and her space bar breaks, it will +lead to the most confusing title of all time: IAMAMALALAOFIAMMALALAAMA. + ―CRUNLUS, Feb 2015 +% +The quote "Life is short" makes no sense. Life is the longest thing that'll +ever happen to you. + ―jonbristow, Apr 2016 +% +If a president had a doctorate, would you still call them "Mr. President," or +would you go for "Dr. President?" + ―Merglyn, Apr 2014 +% +Million dollar idea. Open a coffee shop. Direct traffic there with multiple +fake tinder accounts. + ―Scottsman90, Oct 2015 +% +I can wipe my ass with 1 square of toilet paper, but only if it's the last +square on the roll. + ―PlasmaCow511, Nov 2015 +% +Growing up is realizing that the bottom bunk is probably more convenient. + ―gaveasky, Feb 2016 +% +When I was a kid I worked hard to hide my weed and devil music from my +parents. Now I'm grown up and work hard to hide my weed and devil music from +my kids. + ―haroldtitus425, Oct 2016 +% +Clark Kent would have a lot of explaining to do if he pushed a "Pull" door. + ―Picturesonback, Oct 2016 +% +We jokingly talk to our pets with random barks and meows and think nothing of +it, but if our pets ever replied in random human voices or sounds we would be +amazed. + ―eeega34, Mar 2014 +% +People who were in their 70's when Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon grew up +with trains and horses as transportation. + ―rainman18, Jul 2014 +% +/r/reversegif should just be called /r/fig + ―nanosoundsx, Dec 2015 +% +If I was a pear farmer, my slogan would be "Grow a Pear". + ―Im_Captain_Jack, Sep 2016 +% +We wasted the name 'Fly' on the worst animal. + ―strongo, Jul 2015 +% +Who pisses the shit smear off the inner toilet bowl in lesbian households? + ―spacelemon, Jan 2016 +% +I will live to see the terms "the 20s", "the 30s", "the 40s", "the 50s", "the +60s", and "the 70s" have new meanings. + ―subterraneantea, Jun 2013 +% +At some point in the future, when people show pictures of their ancestors, +they won't be grainy sepia photographs, they will be HD selfies from their +Facebook profiles + ―Mango_Smasher, Feb 2016 +% +Dipping Dots started out as "The Ice Cream of the Future" and gradually became +the nostalgic ice cram of my childhood + ―alcohol_and_irony, Mar 2016 +% +Netflix should produce a series of workout videos for people to stream at home +for free if they're subscribed to Netflix + ―Minivann, Feb 2015 +% +'You have a big heart' is a nice compliment from anyone except your doctor + ―Bo_Obama, Apr 2016 +% +50 Cent should periodically alter his name to reflect currency inflation. + ―lundej16, Apr 2015 +% +Tagging a post NSFW is the ultimate clickbait + ―frankysuper, Nov 2015 +% +"Neil Armstrong" backwards is "Gnorts, Mr. Alien" + ―greengrasser11, Feb 2016 +% +The letter 'b' in the word 'subtle,' is. + ―polydorr, Jul 2013 +% +Parents are the only people to speak highly of you behind your back and talk +shit right to your face. + ―kygrtj, Aug 2015 +% +When an app asks me if I'm enjoying it, I usually click "No" just to avoid +being asked to review it + ―Mc237269, Sep 2016 +% +If Hungary gets to host the Olympics, they can call it "The Hungary Games" + ―carbonyl_attack, Dec 2014 +% +Toilet seats should have a step like a garbage can that lifts the seat up for +males. + ―kylebyrne, Feb 2015 +% +I wonder if any kids ever enter their actual birthday on websites and just +accept that they can't view adult content until they turn 18 + ―jeg101586, Aug 2015 +% +Booty call and butt dial use synonyms but mean completely different things + ―sunshineandstuff, Nov 2015 +% +In our solar system, there are more planets with robot population than with +the human population. + ―Reshevsky, Oct 2016 +% +What if the coins you randomly find in drawers and between couch cushions are +actually spiders leaving them there to pay rent. + ―im_the_idiot, Jun 2015 +% +The idea of ghost moaning might have started due to kids hearing their parents +having sex, and them denying hearing any sounds. + ―Newgirla, Dec 2015 +% +You should be able to go incognito on your reddit account so you don't have to +make a throwaway account. + ―anooblol, Jan 2016 +% +Some trees spend hundreds of years growing just so I can wipe my ass. + ―mjarc, Oct 2014 +% +As a child, going to bed at 8PM feels like punishment. As an adult, going to +bed at 8PM feels like a reward. + ―shakedspeare, Apr 2016 +% +I'm not a bad person, but if I had superpowers, I know I wouldn't use them +solely for good. + ―majorshenanigans, Jul 2016 +% +If Netflix had trailers, it would make picking a movie a lot easier. + ―kneesmagees, Oct 2016 +% +As an adult, the beer aisle at the grocery makes me feel exactly like the +cereal aisle made me feel as a kid. + ―pickyourbeard, Jul 2015 +% +I think the phrase "in the closet" should be changed to "keeping a straight +face" + ―darthtate, Feb 2016 +% +I can gather spit in my mouth and swallow it with no issue but the thought of +spitting into a cup and swallowing it after is disgusting. + ―maaaaackle, Aug 2016 +% +Blind people don't turn the lights on at night, they just walk around in the +dark. + ―MantraMan, Jan 2014 +% +We're trying to build self driving cars that wont crash into things, yet we +used to ride around on horses which already could do that. + ―FVDVE, Aug 2015 +% +Adam and Eve were the first people to accept Apple's terms and conditions +without reading them... + ―FFExtraOrdinaire, Dec 2015 +% +We get taught in school to not give in to peer pressure but we don't get +taught not to pressure our peers. + ―andrewcarey7, Aug 2016 +% +If Adele and Taylor Swift were lesbians, we would get to hear both sides of +the breakup. + ―bigstevek2703, Dec 2015 +% +How do nudists clean their glasses? + ―BarbieMarleyBG, Oct 2016 +% +The word "shark" looks like a shark + ―belbivfreeordie, Feb 2014 +% +If I see a lot of police cars in one area, I immediately begin to feel more +nervous than safe. + ―theWforce, Apr 2016 +% +My wife is pregnant with twin boys. Tonight she'll have 3 dicks in her + ―spitgriffin, Sep 2015 +% +'Right, left' answers the question 'Left, Right?' + ―PM_ME_GAY_LOL_HENTAI, Jun 2015 +% +Reddit: The place where a mass shooting makes top ranked post one day, and a +T-Rex doing an obstacle course makes top ranked post the next. + ―coolscreenname, Jun 2016 +% +Ad Blocker became popular strictly by word of mouth. + ―MortyDazzler, Aug 2016 +% +The difference between "Ladies" and "Laddies" is a D. + ―RushFox, May 2015 +% +Fe-male would be a synonym of Iron Man + ―[deleted], Sep 2013 +% +There is probably a person, somewhere in the world, who has sucked dick for +Bitcoin. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +If you get sexted by someone you don't want to sext with, did you just get +molexted? + ―One-one-eight, Dec 2014 +% +The fact that we differentiate school from "the real world" shows us why our +school system is failing. + ―Architeal, Apr 2015 +% +The number 14233221 describes itself; it has one four, two threes, three twos, +and two ones. + ―g_kaiser96, Feb 2016 +% +Red Bull should team up with Buffalo Wild Wings where if you buy a 4 pack of +Red Bull, you get 4 free wings. Literally: "Red Bull gives you wings." + ―JakeCameraAction, Jul 2014 +% +If you replace the "W" in "Where", "When", and "What" with a "T", you will +answer those questions. + ―-Lo_Mein_Kampf-, Jun 2015 +% +If yawns are contaigous, it is possible my yawn has circled the world in a +cycle of being passed on until it reaches me again. + ―Idontcarefornames, Oct 2016 +% +Gifs are just normal pictures in the Harry Potter Universe + ―hoosierpride1, Apr 2016 +% +I've noticed a side effect of being on Reddit for a while. Increased +cynicism. Beautiful things are fake. Sad stories are bullshit. Photographs are +untrustworthy. Science is misleading. People are all assholes. Everything +sucks and God is dead. Any of you other bastards feel it? + ―Lobsterbib, Sep 2015 +% +There should be a Netflix category that has the holiday episodes from all the +different shows grouped together. + ―scyth3rr, Dec 2015 +% +Redditors who browse through 'new' are the backbone of reddit. Without their +sacrifice we wouldn't get to see a lot of great posts. + ―Lord_Michael_Bolton, Dec 2014 +% +The song "Hotel California" is basically a bad Yelp review and a 3 minute +guitar solo. + ―GreenTard, Aug 2015 +% +There needs to be a YouTube series of a no-nonsense cop who watches famous +scenes from Disney movies and tells us what illegal things are happening and +what type of punishment they would get. + ―Fanshelpmesleep, Jun 2016 +% +Americans are worried about violence in Rio yet 19 people were shot in Chicago +today and I see little coverage of it. + ―Whoshabooboo, Aug 2016 +% +D.A.R.E. was the most important class I had in elementary school because it +explained how adults were perfectly comfortable lying to me + ―CouthDecay, Jan 2016 +% +Nighttime is actually the natural state of the universe, and the only reason +we have daytime is because earth just so happens to face a giant star. + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +Someone should develop an AI specifically for reading Terms & Conditions +and flagging dubious parts. + ―jamesfircks, Sep 2016 +% +Netflix should have an option to skip show intros so you don't have to hear +the theme song 23 times while marathoning. + ―baardvark, Jan 2015 +% +Energy drinks and caffeine are basically just stamina potions + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +The three most famous fictional government agents, (James Bond, Jack Bauer and +Jason Bourne) all share the same initials + ―sassinator1, Sep 2014 +% +You should be able to FaceTime 911 to give them a live feed (recorded on their +end for evidence) of what's happening in case something happens to you or your +phone. + ―ghostchief, Dec 2015 +% +Matching a country to almost any object makes it sound like a sex act. E.g.: +Lebanese wheelbarrow, Mexican earmuffs . + ―STOP-IT-PLEASE, May 2016 +% +What if the washer is actually the one stealing socks, and we've been +wrongfully blaming the drier all of this time? + ―GIGGLEStheBEAST, Aug 2016 +% +Any machine can be a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough. + ―okayyeahbutmaybe, Sep 2016 +% +6-8 Times a day, I start to post something on Reddit, type it out, and then +just click the back button on my browser without posting because I know no one +will care. + ―[deleted], Aug 2015 +% +For the low price of a dollar you can leave a dollar somewhere and instantly +make someone's day better + ―Fatkungfuu, Jul 2016 +% +If female lunch servers are referred to as "Lunch Ladies," shouldn't male ones +be called "Lunch Lords?" + ―thenacho1, Jul 2013 +% +From Gandalf's perspective, The Hobbit is a really long escort mission with +low level NPCs. + ―Lychwood, Dec 2014 +% +If Ellen Page and Emma Stone had lesbian sex, you could call that paper, rock, +scissoring. + ―joelomite11, Mar 2015 +% +The name Nick is a nickname. + ―hkarp2, Dec 2013 +% +There's a kid out there who actually has the strongest dad in the world. + ―Tactical__Tomato, May 2015 +% +/r/UnexpectedCena is actually the opposite of what it says. If you watch a +video on that sub, you know for sure that John Cena will be in it. + ―mayonnaise_man, Sep 2015 +% +Con Air is a movie about John Malkovich hijacking John Cusack's plane. Being +John Malkovich is a movie about John Cusack hijacking John Malkovich's brain. + ―MY_HARD_BOILED_EGGS, Jan 2014 +% +Social anxiety means that sometimes I throw parties and worry that people will +show up. + ―Belushimcc, Oct 2015 +% +The more you know about Che Guevara, the less likely you are to wear a t-shirt +with his face on it. + ―sleepingatlast14, Mar 2016 +% +Warren buffet and I have a combined net worth of over 67 billion dollars. + ―killercritters, Apr 2016 +% +If your penis is longer than, say, 3.15 inches, then at some point in your +life, your penis was exactly pi inches long + ―[deleted], Jun 2014 +% +Literally everything you have ever done has led to you reading this sentence. + ―gavinhaggis, May 2015 +% +By the end of the night browsing Reddit just becomes a game of Which Unclicked +Link Sounds the Least Shitty. + ―thugga_birdmanstunna, Dec 2015 +% +Jeopardy needs to make audio versions of their show and put it in a podcast. + ―Turbo_Sandwich, Feb 2016 +% +Evolution is making us taller, skinnier, with bigger eyes. Kinda alien +looking. Maybe we'll invent time travel and come back in neat little UFOs. + ―JacksCologne, Jul 2016 +% +The alphabet doesn't need an order + ―vancar1000, May 2013 +% +Imagine how much more slutty girl's costumes would be if Halloween was in a +warmer month like July... + ―iamnotdrunk17, Oct 2013 +% +Trademarking is the adult version of "I called it first" + ―emptybrochure, Sep 2014 +% +There should be a button next to NSFW reddit posts to open the links in the +incognito mode of your browser + ―i_reddit_now, Jul 2016 +% +Charles Xavier has hundreds of students over decades and decades, but none can +heal his spine + ―JJwalz88, Oct 2016 +% +I bet the Colorado and Washington girl scouts have been killing it in sales +the past couple of years + ―Elin_Woods_9iron, Jan 2016 +% +A guy with red haired parents is a Ginger-bred Man. + ―Syrafes, Jul 2016 +% +I could post a pic of me winning a Nobel prize on instagram and still get less +likes than a mildly attractive girl's picture of a bagel + ―jac283, Aug 2016 +% +I always want to sleep in to get more sleep, but I never want to go to bed +early. + ―Total-Nerd, Oct 2016 +% +If my name was Brad, then I would be 75% rad. + ―Wot_Gorilla_2112, Aug 2014 +% +There should be a "GIF" tab on Google by now... + ―MountainDewGuy, Aug 2015 +% +I can't believe that people with prosthetic limbs haven't gotten cool addons +like a flashlight wrist or a laser finger. Or a taser hand. + ―dudeguy_loves_reddit, Mar 2016 +% +People use variations of "yes" a lot during sex, but it'd be awkward if they +said "yep" or "certainly". + ―nyc_daniel, Aug 2016 +% +To ask, "If we evolved from apes, then why are there still apes?" is akin to +asking, "If America was colonized by the British, then why are there still +British?" + ―BuddhistAurelius, Aug 2016 +% +Not all starlight is the same age, some of it is millions or even billions of +years apart even though it hits your eye at the same time. So the night sky +isn't a single moment in the universe but rather a patchwork of time billions +of years in breadth. + ―spookypen, Nov 2013 +% +Is expired poison more poisonous or less poisonous? + ―anewdayiscoming_, Oct 2014 +% +The NFL should just donate all the money they spend on pink gear to the breast +cancer fund. + ―hbaez518, Oct 2015 +% +If you ever feel lonely, just know that there are people that comment on porn +videos. + ―SmileyFace-_-, Aug 2016 +% +The Queen of England took a shit today. + ―harmonicamike, Jun 2013 +% +I Wonder what would happen if NASA's 17.5 Billion Dollar Budget was switched +with the US Military budget of 683.7 Billion? + ―Kingsnw, Sep 2014 +% +Because there's a period of my life I'm too young to remember, my older +siblings have known me longer than I've known myself. + ―Taigris, Oct 2014 +% +skinny jeans... making it impossible to look sexy getting undressed since +2007. + ―firstoddity, Apr 2015 +% +I wish I could be as picky about women in real life as I am with women in porn + ―portajohnjackoff, Sep 2015 +% +I love being alone, but I hate feeling alone + ―LiveAndLetTrade, Sep 2016 +% +My math teachers always told me that I couldn't carry a calculator around with +me every day. They were AMAZINGLY wrong... + ―Cantevenhelpit, Dec 2015 +% +The semicolon is probably now used more often in winky faces than its actual +grammatical purpose. + ―Solnai, Apr 2014 +% +A ton of cars is about half a car. + ―fishlimbs, Aug 2016 +% +Since the French Burkini ban, Female Body Inspector is now an actual job. + ―ThrowinStacks, Aug 2016 +% +We don’t pronounce the “k” in knowledge until we acknowledge it. + ―Patrick52Andrew, Sep 2016 +% +The only thing I've ever used the dickhole on my boxers for is to tell the +back from the front. + ―Hovercat21, Oct 2016 +% +Your name is just a codeword people use to get your attention. + ―Ethanhekker, Jul 2013 +% +When a Brit says "I have a bloody nose", it's as if he just realized, to his +surprise, that he has a nose. + ―JustNoicingYourNoice, Jun 2015 +% +If Dumbledore wanted to help Harry, he could have fixed his vision. In a world +of magic why is your savior reliant on glasses? + ―NotChasetipher, Apr 2016 +% +It's socially acceptable to say "I can't function without a cup of coffee," +but not "I can't function without a glass of beer" + ―Zoomachroom, Oct 2013 +% +A trapped sneeze is pretty much 'Blue Balls' of the face. + ―bronalpaul, Jul 2014 +% +I wonder how many pairs of twins got their names reversed because the parents +lost track of which was which when they were infants. + ―Guillotine216, Dec 2014 +% +Having sex with Mila Kunis would actually kind of suck, because when you +closed your eyes it would sound like you were banging Meg. + ―zetsui, May 2015 +% +Lions can jump 36 feet in one bound and we attribute this fun fact to every +single lion. We don't say "humans can dunk" and attribute that to every single +human. + ―Thunder_catsHO, Aug 2015 +% +I've met atheists that care more about my religion than I do. + ―reincarN8ed, Mar 2016 +% +BMW could save money by not installing turn indicators, and nobody would +notice. + ―Colors_By_Vest, Sep 2015 +% +A pregnant woman has two skeletons inside her + ―JetTractor, Jun 2014 +% +Getting stoned in 2015 A.D. is fun. Getting stoned in 2015 B.C. is not. + ―djsedna, Aug 2015 +% +Smoking out of a bong requires all 4 elements + ―Fuh_Queue, Mar 2016 +% +I've been speaking English so often that the voice I use to think is now +English instead of my native language. + ―HallowedMoth147, Mar 2016 +% +those who go out of their way to make others happy at the expense of +themselves probably dont want others to feel the kind of sadness they are +feeling on the inside + ―newbieatthiss, Jun 2016 +% +Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that +erases your browser history if your heart stops beating. + ―jeniferfuti09, Oct 2016 +% +Spoons are just tiny bowls on sticks + ―ChrisTaliaferro, Oct 2016 +% +Chuck Norris will eventually die, and on that day the internet will turn into +the biggest shit show we have ever seen. + ―akiws, Apr 2015 +% +Your penis has been deeper inside your mom than your dad's ever has + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +First person video games don't blink. + ―walktherails, Oct 2015 +% +At some point in my life, I will unknowingly pose for the picture that will be +used at my funeral + ―ooppzzy, Feb 2016 +% +Chris Rock should have introduced Charlize Theron as "The first African +presenter of the night" to wrap up his Oscar monologue. + ―69Centhalfandhalf, Feb 2016 +% +I just read the word "emerged" out loud as "ermehgerd." Memes have ruined me. + ―machobeef, Oct 2016 +% +Having a pet is weird if you think about it. You don’t speak the same +language, you create a strong bond by rubbing against each other and sleeping +together, and you might accidentally step on their tail once in a while but at +the end of the day, you’re best friends from entirely different species. + ―StarfishChris, Jan 2015 +% +Being the son of a small town gynecologist would be the worst. + ―ASpellingAirror, Nov 2015 +% +I have more respect for someone with opposing views but an open mind than +someone with the same views and a closed mind. + ―midnightgold74, Oct 2016 +% +I wonder how many times I've seen the same bird + ―CaptainTeaBag24I7, Dec 2015 +% +I'm controlling your mind right now. I'm making it talk + ―dragoninmyanus, Jun 2016 +% +Books have covers specifically so we can judge them. + ―aRabidGerbil, Jul 2014 +% +Growing up is realizing that "Lord Farquaad" in Shrek actually means "Lord +Fuckwad" + ―brandonnn11, Jan 2016 +% +For games, you press start to play; movies, you press play to start. + ―PahoojyMan, Aug 2016 +% +The title of the movie "The Day After Tomorrow" wouldn't sound nearly as +intense if it was called "Two Days From Now" + ―Landon_Mills, Mar 2016 +% +Video Games from my childhood get less nostalgic as I progress through the +game because I was never able to get this far when I was younger. + ―i_ate_a_cookie, Jul 2016 +% +Bubbles underwater are the opposite of rain. + ―BlackBox-, Sep 2016 +% +When Chernobyl is finally liveable again (20,000 years), the architecture will +seem incredibly strange and retro. + ―[deleted], Mar 2014 +% +People that say "What keeps atheists from raping, murdering, and stealing if +they don't believe in God?" want to rape, murder, and steal from you but +they're worried God will catch them. + ―SenorBeef, Jan 2015 +% +Eating a spoonful of frosting on its own is considered disgusting and +unhealthy, but putting it on top of something else unhealthy first is normal. + ―EffectiveExistence, May 2016 +% +I always use too much shampoo the day after a haircut. + ―original_4degrees, Apr 2016 +% +As a Canadian, when I'm with an American I subconsciously thicken my accent +and say "sorry" and "eh" more to live up to the stereotype. + ―already_satisfied, Aug 2016 +% +If they are going to fine drivers who smoke with a kid in car, They should +start booking pregnant women who smoke as well + ―trikazeas, Sep 2016 +% +If someone pisses you off and you want revenge, sign up for a free man thong +catalog with their name and send it to their neighbor's address. + ―HankSc0rp10, Mar 2015 +% +Clapping is just hitting yourself because you like something + ―blueboybob, Feb 2014 +% +90% of submissions on this sub are probably toilet thoughts + ―willgeld, Nov 2014 +% +If dentists make money from people with bad teeth, why should I trust a +toothpaste that 9/10 dentists recommend. + ―ser_onion_knight, Dec 2014 +% +Netflix should let you rate titles even if they are unavailable, that way they +would know what titles to license next. + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +If a Mars Rover ever breaks down, NASA would have a 4th world problem. + ―RedstoneRay, Dec 2015 +% +I assume everyone on Reddit is a straight white male atheist from the USA +unless they state otherwise + ―Chroose, Jan 2016 +% +The Onion is fooling you the moment you see their logo because it's actually a +depiction of a shallot + ―kozakandy17, Mar 2016 +% +Apple should temporarily change their logo back to the rainbow apple to +support Tim Cook's decision to come out as gay. + ―WalkerFLRanger, Oct 2014 +% +Someone should develop a "time lapsule", a time lapse camera designed to +operate for several decades without maintenance that can be permanently +installed in a public area. + ―1up_for_life, Jun 2016 +% +Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are +constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet. + ―daddidnteditit, Apr 2015 +% +If Marty McFly showed up today, he wouldn't need to change clothes. We would +just think he was a hipster. + ―Civil_Defense, Oct 2015 +% +At least one of your ancestors has been alive on this Earth for every second +life has existed. Somewhere during the Roman Empire, medieval times, building +of the pyramids... your great-great-great-great...grandparent was running +around. And the survival of all of them has led to you. + ―HITMAN616, Jun 2014 +% +My friend got General Tso's Chicken at a teriyaki restaurant today. He was an +American getting Chinese food cooked by Mexicans at a Japanese restaurant +owned by Koreans. + ―imsorrymilo, Jul 2016 +% +When you're a kid, dare is the scarier option. When you're an adult, it's +truth. + ―IntoTheMystic1, Sep 2016 +% +Knowing only the month and day of your death but not the year would be so much +worse than knowing the exact date. + ―TheDarkArts, Mar 2015 +% +Yoda probably decided the release order of the Star Wars movies. + ―samtherat6, Apr 2015 +% +There should be a "Getting Gas" button on your GPS or iPhone so that when you +are getting off the highway to get gas, it will direct you in the right +direction and not yell at you to make a U turn. + ―Ricky_Ruby, May 2015 +% +To fish, humans are extra-terrestrial beings. Everything that comes from above +sea level is alien to them. They regularly witness these aliens abduct their +kin with hooks or nets, never to be heard from again. Some return back to the +water suffocating and confused, with holes in their jaws. + ―btopishere, Apr 2016 +% +When weed becomes legal everywhere, Amazon is going to make billions on +to-your-doorstep weed delivery. + ―uncle_drunky, Apr 2016 +% +Being an only child is third wheeling your parents for life. + ―asiano, Jul 2016 +% +If nobody remembers my birthday, why do they still say it's a bad password? + ―eve_naive, Oct 2016 +% +A video testing how many times an iPhone charger can be plugged in and out, or +how long an iPhone can stay on while being constantly charged would be more +useful to me than watching a video where an iPhone gets shoved inside a +watermelon and dropped off a 100ft bridge. + ―domatais7, Oct 2016 +% +They should rename Wet Dreams to Snoregasms + ―jailop, Dec 2014 +% +If I were a robber in Gotham City, I would wait until there were clear skies +so the bat-signal had no clouds to be seen on. + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +A bachelor party would be a lot more suited after a divorce opposed to before +a wedding + ―suckmyblunt, Jun 2016 +% +We live in an age where the least trusted source of news is the media. + ―CantLiveByYourRules, Aug 2016 +% +In real life we smile with our mouth. On the internet we smile with our +colon. :) + ―wpadera, Jan 2014 +% +Everyone would drive much better if money collected from traffic citations was +given out randomly to people driving responsibly. + ―glfreestone, Aug 2014 +% +Technically, my wife is my ex-girlfriend. + ―rerational, Oct 2014 +% +Hooters should just give job applicants a bra and say "here, fill this out." + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +A newbie should be called a "pert", because over time, they'll become an +"ex-pert". + ―no_awning_no_mining, Nov 2015 +% +Quitting a job because you aren't being paid enough should be called a Wage +Quit + ―whatthebitchsaw, Jan 2016 +% +There is no "we" in team either. + ―CatchingRays, Feb 2014 +% +Every A in Australia is pronounced differently. + ―atzyrus, May 2015 +% +There are preachers who won't sleep tonight because they are so excited about +the hellfire and brimstone sermon they have planned for tomorrow. + ―wickbrand, Jun 2015 +% +It's weird to think people who are six foot are only 6 subways tall + ―HypnoticHD, Oct 2015 +% +The phrase "what an asshole" could be considered a compliment in the right +moment. + ―Jacksoffwithhotsauce, Nov 2015 +% +i get paid to stare at a screen all day to afford to stare at a screen all +night + ―radjosh, Nov 2014 +% +To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad. + ―mengesha, Apr 2015 +% +Whoever put the "b" in "subtle" is a genius. + ―drumminbird, Apr 2015 +% +The Flintstones Christmas film takes place centuries before the very birth of +Christ + ―OfficialSquibble, Sep 2015 +% +Once weed is legalized across the country Christmas shopping for me and my +friends will be so much easier. + ―Tedslefthand, Dec 2015 +% +As I get older, "your mom" jokes are getting more and more risky. + ―MrHobbes82, Apr 2016 +% +I never realize how dirty a song is until I listen to it with my parents +around. + ―MOISTbucketFART, Jul 2016 +% +Life never really left the water. It just evolved to carry little pools of of +it around on land. + ―bunnyonalog, Oct 2014 +% +The only way to judge a book is by the cover. Otherwise, you have to read the +whole book and then decide if you want to read it. + ―mrsfunkyjunk, Jul 2015 +% +If I hear a car alarm the last thing I'd think is someone's stealing a car + ―Alissafdar, Aug 2016 +% +"Why can't poor people just get a better job?" is today's equivalent of "Let +them eat cake". + ―PM_ME_A_NEW_USERNAME, Sep 2015 +% +They should require cities to pass water and air quality minimums to be a +final candidate to host the Olympics + ―NorthRaptor, Aug 2016 +% +Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll +show up quickly. + ―Maimad1987, Sep 2016 +% +"Roast Beef" and "Ice Cream" are both names of food items, but are also the +cooking instructions for those food items. + ―oisdaman, Nov 2014 +% +I fully expect first contact with another alien race to be like meeting new +friends freshman year of college. Everyone is unrealistically ultra nice, and +both sides are scared shitless the other will eventually find out how fucked +up their home lives are. + ―illinoishokie, Aug 2016 +% +If a deaf person loses a finger, does it become a speech impediment? + ―followmylied, May 2015 +% +Instead of rebooting amazing films, we should reboot shitty ones that showed +potential. + ―Frenchelbow, Nov 2015 +% +Good atheists deserve a place in heaven more than good religious people, +because their good behaviour was never stimulated by any rewards. + ―MrBozooo, Aug 2016 +% +when an ad pops up in the middle of a Youtube video, I think it actually +causes people to not want that product even more than before. + ―Schowzy, Aug 2016 +% +I used to laugh at the movie Office Space, now I just get sad at how +accurately it reflects my work life + ―Jak_o_the_Shadow, Sep 2016 +% +Any kid whose hs mascot was a falcon and graduated in 00 was a millennium +falcon + ―darthtate, Jul 2015 +% +I often wonder how many memories I am in. + ―Chess87, Apr 2016 +% +If you see a UFO, and then you figure out what it is, it's an FO. And if you +see it land, it's just an O. + ―thedeadmann, Sep 2016 +% +I just realized I haven't seen a single Guy Fawkes mask today. Good job +everyone + ―Kilomega, Oct 2014 +% +If there are 1 billion people better than you at something, you're still in +the top 15% for that thing. + ―thisislikemy5thaccy, Mar 2015 +% +'Queue' has to be one of the weirdest words in English: a single spoken letter +followed by four silent vowels. A word that is 80% style over substance. + ―Eirezona, Apr 2015 +% +The military of evey nation should have paintball team and have world +championships for shits and giggles. + ―_The_Burn_, Sep 2015 +% +Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then +getting hit by an airplane. + ―Happy-Ghost, Jul 2016 +% +There can be a Facebook meme I really love or agree with, but if it says +"Share if you agree!", I won't share it on principle. + ―SucksYouSay, Jul 2016 +% +An American and an Australian if born right this second would have a different +birth date by day, month and year. If the American moves to Australia they +would still be older. + ―Rummy_Panfa, Jan 2016 +% +I wonder how many miles my thumb has scrolled on my phone. + ―Leenie, Jan 2016 +% +The sun's secondary job is literally moonlighting + ―BillyBBone, Mar 2016 +% +As someone who doesnt drink, and also has a weakness for redheads, I can +accurately say that "I like my women like I like my ale: Ginger". + ―dkepp87, Oct 2016 +% +80% of the letters in the word "queue" aren't pronounced. + ―TheDougDude, Jan 2014 +% +High schools should make shop and basic plumbing courses mandatory, so +everyone can fix basic house problems + ―blizzardfang, Mar 2016 +% +When a pet is terminally ill, we euthanize it because letting it suffer is +"inhumane." When a person is terminally ill, they must suffer it out because +euthanizing them would be "inhumane." + ―aaaaaaaaandrew, Dec 2014 +% +When we say that mosquitoes have no role in the ecologic system, maybe their +role is to kill humans. + ―DogeSaint-Germain, Jul 2015 +% +Bullets are the only things that do their job only after they are fired. + ―Flatline_hun, Jul 2015 +% +I want to get a parrot and train it to say "I've been turned into a parrot" + ―MacariusWrench, Jan 2016 +% +Collectors are probably way more interested in the original than the +"collector's edition" + ―Monkeytherat, May 2016 +% +The reason Call of Duty games never change is because war never changes. + ―gagejozef, Oct 2015 +% +My proof reading skills instantly increase 1000% as soon as I press "send" + ―DVMyZone, Sep 2016 +% +There's a place in London with £9.00 coffee. My t-shirt cost £6. If I spilt +some on my t-shirt I'd be annoyed that I'd got t-shirt on my coffee + ―devonperson, Sep 2015 +% +Driving tests should include jumping a car, changing a tire, and checking +basic fluids. + ―noocar, Jan 2016 +% +Drinking water from a coffee mug is incredibly dissatisfying. + ―Dascancer, Sep 2016 +% +Every hot girl I've ever had a crush on has probably at some point had violent +diarrhoea + ―PlumsNThings, Jun 2016 +% +It is amazing to think that nighttime is actually the natural state of the +universe, and the only reason we have daytime is because Earth just so happens +to be facing a giant star illuminating it. + ―therap321, Sep 2016 +% +What if God DID make us in His image, but He looks like a single cell +organism? + ―shigogaboo, Jan 2016 +% +A billionaire could give me %.01 of his wealth and change my life while he is +virtually unaffected. + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +With less than a quarter of his net worth, Bill Gates could buy every team in +the NBA, draft himself, and pay every player in the league to play worse than +him so that he's the number one all star + ―CasualCharlie, Dec 2014 +% +The word Noelle has two L's + ―the_unhelpfull_fatty, Mar 2015 +% +Amazed that no science fiction book has been written based on the outcome of +somehow finding definitive proof that there are no aliens - it would be just +as shattering as the opposite. + ―alphabet_street, Aug 2015 +% +I drive a 71 beetle. All day long people get punched, because of me. + ―rondo999, Sep 2015 +% +Had Voldemort hidden pieces of his soul in mundane objects like rocks, instead +of rings, diadems, and other valuable items, and scattered them at the bottom +of the ocean, he would have been truly immortal. + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +What if your dog one day just randomly said, "Nobody is going to believe you" +and then never spoke again. + ―bboy44, May 2015 +% +Do crabs think WE walk sideways? + ―Biobak_, Jan 2016 +% +The URL for Google in Italy is the phrase "Google It" (google.it) + ―nope_bye, May 2016 +% +It makes me really uncomfortable that 12am comes before 11am. + ―RiyazYusufi2015, Jul 2015 +% +The Internet is basically a teenager right now. It's got all this potential, +but the only thing it's focussed on is buying things, trying to be popular and +sex. + ―SynysteredDave, May 2016 +% +Not calling Karma "cReddits" seems like a real missed opportunity + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +The sentence "He laughs at nothing" both describes somebody who laughs at +everything, and somebody who never laughs at all. + ―candyporkandbeans, Mar 2013 +% +All those Harlem Shake videos are still on Youtube + ―ColbertsBump, Dec 2013 +% +On the day we won the Internet, we celebrate by spending hours arguing over +the color of a dress + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +I'd be more likely to donate to charity if I knew they wouldn't sent me +letters or call me asking for more money. + ―locks_are_paranoid, Dec 2015 +% +The first human to hear a parrot speak probably had a hard time convincing his +mates + ―ellisking93, Jan 2016 +% +Whoever invented Thundershirts for pets with anxiety missed a huge opportunity +by not calling it Thunderwear + ―weirdsaladstuff, Sep 2016 +% +It's actually ok to ask somebody who works at the mint how much money they +make. + ―Mungo_Clump, Apr 2016 +% +As a Muslim, everytime some Muslim commits an act of terror I feel just like +Professor X everytime Magneto/Brotherhood of Evil Mutants does something +stupid. + ―LastSonOfVegeta, Jun 2016 +% +I love that John Krasinski is the voice of esurance - Jim from The Office is +endorsing a company that, literally, limits the need for paper... + ―JP_Leigh, Jul 2016 +% +One bar of volume on your media device is not enough to watch a movie, but too +much for porn. + ―vartanu, Oct 2016 +% +Parents who are friends with their kids literally made friends + ―JoshuaChristmas, Apr 2016 +% +A billionaire could give me %.01 of his wealth and change my life while he is +virtually unaffected. + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +TL;DR is a TL;DR of itself + ―ItsJustMalcolm, Jul 2016 +% +I have so little faith in humanity I look both ways before crossing a one way +road. + ―Jarvisthejellyfish, Aug 2016 +% +In England, if you don't pay for your TV licence, you can be sent to +prison. Where you can watch all the TV you want, without needing a licence. + ―MrMikeHunt, Nov 2014 +% +Getting off is good. Getting Laid is good. Getting laid off is bad. + ―InertiaInMyPants, Mar 2016 +% +In the year 2021, hindsight will be 2020. + ―Prooffread3r, Mar 2015 +% +Today's date is 2²/3²/4². + ―DJ-Tom-3, Apr 2016 +% +We are all living at the bottom of an ocean of Oxygen. + ―joehumdinger, Jan 2014 +% +Someday, when we've colonized Mars, the Curiosity Rover will be in a +museum. On Mars. + ―chamomiles, Jan 2014 +% +I'm sure if weed was legalized everywhere, this would be a more popular +subreddit. + ―OmegaPiggi, Nov 2015 +% +"If you are a pessimist, you are never going to be disappointed" is a very +optimistic attitude to being a pessimist. + ―the-real-bro, Apr 2016 +% +When I buy CDs I now see it as more of a donation to the artist than an actual +purchase. + ―Hugs_wombats, Oct 2016 +% +When sand is dry, it behaves like a liquid. When it is wet, it behaves more +like a solid. + ―finob, Mar 2016 +% +Daniel Radcliff needs to play a Bond villain at one point in his career + ―malgoya, Aug 2016 +% +Our whole planet could just be an alien's science project that he got a C on. + ―Peanutbuttered, Nov 2014 +% +You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice. + ―iris_X, Nov 2015 +% +What if the reason there are no witches, vampires and werewolves is because +the "witch trials" in the 17th century actually worked? + ―edubminum, Sep 2015 +% +I want to start a major software company called "Orange," just so when I get +compared to Steve Jobs, I can say, "Woah, now. You're just comparing Apples to +Oranges, here." + ―SolidCactus27, Dec 2015 +% +Maybe Anti-Vaxxers notice higher trends of mental disabilities in children +because they aren't exactly passing along top notch genes to begin with. + ―Sick0h, Mar 2016 +% +It took Pokémon GO to get Americans to use the metric system + ―thefunkylemon, Jul 2016 +% +The lady who voices the standard "you've reached the voice mailbox" +message... Does she record her own VM greeting or use the standard one, which +is her voice? + ―robomf, Oct 2013 +% +Somewhere in another galaxy, an extraterrestrial might be using a photo of our +Milky Way as their desktop wallpaper. + ―Hardcorish, Jan 2015 +% +If Bill Gates died and left his fortune to EVERYONE in the U.S., everyone +would roughly gain $240 + ―BambiTyler, Jul 2016 +% +I think that NSFW tags are useless on this sub because most of the posts don't +have anything beside title anyway. + ―Maroshitsu, Aug 2016 +% +Kenny's family is poor because they're always paying for his funeral. + ―Eskimobrutha, Sep 2016 +% +the strangest part of growing up is realizing how little adults really know + ―gabirole, Oct 2016 +% +If ejaculating reduces risk of prostate cancer, then porn websites are +fighting cancer. + ―Gurrb17, Jun 2015 +% +As a kid, I was careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I'm +careful not to curse around kids. + ―kayjay25, Sep 2015 +% +Why aren't there washing machines and dishwashers that you can pour a gallon +of detergent into and they automatically add it to loads? + ―theresamouseinmyhous, Sep 2015 +% +Schrodinger's iPhone: If you drop your iPhone on the ground face down, the +screen is both in tact and cracked at the same time until you look at it. + ―apt-get_-y_tittypics, Oct 2014 +% +If Alcohol was discovered today, there's just no way it would get FDA approval + ―TBOJ, Dec 2014 +% +There are no Fallout 4 posts on the front page now because everybody who +bothers with it, is playing it now. + ―DavePost87, Nov 2015 +% +Christians preach abstinence as a 100% effective form of birth control when it +didn't even work for Mary... + ―Bootsnpots, May 2016 +% +Why do "balls" equate to toughness and "pussy" equates to weakness when even +the slightest flick to the nards sends a guy to his knees and vaginas can push +out an entire human being? + ―Good-ol-mr-helpful, Jun 2015 +% +I was illegally downloading movies on my house boat... when I realized I was +pirating on a boat! + ―KevinSaw, Aug 2015 +% +Weed is legal in two states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23 states. + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +With Disney owning Marvel, Pixar and Star Wars plus the upcoming introduction +of Doctor Strange (alternate dimensions), it is entirely possible to see a +three way crossover of The Incredibles, The Avengers and the Jedis in the same +film, as a musical. + ―joeycloud, May 2016 +% +A wood fire is like releasing all the sunlight a tree absorbed in its life all +at once. + ―Stooven, Jul 2016 +% +People say "R.I.P Inbox", when they really mean - " My inbox has never felt +more alive." + ―galaxialtourist, Jul 2015 +% +The healthiest marriage I've ever seen is between Gomez and Morticia Addams. + ―Evajin, Aug 2015 +% +Whenever I think of the sea I think of beaches and ports but never of the +miles of nothing and darkness that makes up the most of it. + ―GetKiwan, Apr 2016 +% +If you ever get a pig, you should name it Benis. That way you can tell people +"This is my pig Benis". + ―rubber22, Jan 2015 +% +The Ents attacking Isengaard in LOTR is an epic depiction of paper defeating +rock. + ―1b1d, Apr 2015 +% +I just realized that dog toys have squeakers to simulate an animal making +dying sounds. + ―forestfire55, Oct 2016 +% +The tallest person alive has been the same height as every single person in +the world at one point. + ―ChemicLs_, Aug 2016 +% +With a good enough 3D printer, I could download more RAM. + ―Gamermii, Jun 2015 +% +I've never once heard elevator music while riding an elevator + ―garbage_day_everyday, May 2016 +% +The healthiest I treat my body is when I'm already ill + ―sultrystag, Jul 2016 +% +Netflix should call subscribers who just watched "the Ring". + ―Assorted_Bits, Jan 2015 +% +1990 is as far away as 2040 + ―Boediee, Mar 2015 +% +If Germany is the Fatherland and Russia is the Motherland then the eastern +front of WWII was the bloodiest divorce in history. + ―Yobleck, Jul 2016 +% +What if extra-terrestrial doesnt come visit earth because they're light years +away and fear the dinosaurs they see. + ―newyork89, Mar 2015 +% +Gangs are just frats for people who don't go to college + ―Avayorn, Sep 2015 +% +Parents should start buying their kids manual transmission cars to prevent +them from texting. + ―ZarquonsFlatTire, Sep 2015 +% +There should be an official Youtube video that establishes a baseline +"loudness" so that editors can standardize it and so I don't have to change my +volume constantly + ―Gamesfreak13563, Feb 2016 +% +Most people will gladly store their useless junk in their garage, and leave +their $20,000 car outside + ―cxrlxs, Feb 2016 +% +I can't imagine fighting in armor. I feel uncomfortable just walking uphill in +blue jeans + ―BrighamDumb, Jul 2016 +% +If you were pushed through a hallway toward your death with no way to stop and +no way to turn back, you'd be pretty terrified. Yet this is how we experience +time. + ―maddsc17, Aug 2016 +% +Every time I shave, the longest beard I could possibly grow becomes shorter. + ―uucc, Nov 2015 +% +The most underrated people are the ones who sift through all the shitty posts +in new + ―Ibott09, Jul 2016 +% +I wonder if I've ever drank the milk from the same cow twice? + ―DatGuava, Oct 2014 +% +If you don't choose to have a kid, you are at the end of a 4 billion year old +chemical process that finally just said "screw it" + ―Conan776, Apr 2016 +% +The final e in finale is the finale of finale. + ―rotten_miracles, Jun 2014 +% +Telling your boyfriend he's not funny, is the equivalent of telling your +girlfriend she is fat + ―OllanSkittles, Sep 2015 +% +Photo developers were the original victims of unsolicited dick pics + ―moralanarchy, Jun 2016 +% +Lasik eye surgery is exactly what we were always told not to do with lasers. + ―RasputinKvas, May 2016 +% +The seashore is a dumb place for Sally to sell seashells + ―jackman-chan, Mar 2015 +% +The first guy to realize parrots could mimic humans must have freaked the fuck +out + ―TQQ, Nov 2015 +% +Uber' Ad campaign should be, "Feel free to get Uber drunk tonight" + ―TheRetroVideogamers, Dec 2015 +% +If something really "worked like a dream" it's instructions would be really +odd and difficult to remember. + ―tomtom615, Aug 2016 +% +/r/mildlyinfuriating should change its font to Comic Sans + ―Topfenknoedl, Aug 2016 +% +Your age is just the number of laps you've done around a giant fireball in the +centre of the solar system. + ―invoker_11, Oct 2016 +% +Not hiring someone because they've been unemployed is like not dating someone +because they've been single. + ―MikeCFord, Mar 2016 +% +All your internal organs function in complete darkness. + ―ThurstonHowellIV, Nov 2014 +% +Im disappointed Head and Shoulders didn't release a product called Knees and +Toes + ―supersheeep, Aug 2015 +% +A mean mathematician is just an average guy. + ―s_a_j26, Aug 2015 +% +The price of a calender should drop 8.3% every month it hasn't sold. + ―BrawnyCotton, Oct 2015 +% +The main reason I like reddit so much is that no one I know uses it. + ―SpookyItalianDish, Oct 2016 +% +Turning off your alarm is like accepting the day's terms and conditions. + ―trentley, Jun 2015 +% +After everyone transforms back into a human at the end of Beauty and the +Beast, it must have cost a fortune to restock the castle with lighting, +furniture, and cookware. + ―GirlUneedAShotofB12, Oct 2015 +% +It blows my mind that the sun is 93 million miles away from us, and we can +still feel it's heat on our cheek + ―Mvem, Sep 2016 +% +I've fallen asleep nearly every day for 25 years, yet I have no memory of how +it actually happens. + ―ersatztruth, Jul 2013 +% +Eating while taking a poo is kind of like those stacking point pencils from +the 90s. + ―ZKROD, Jun 2016 +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, +and you've scientifically determined you can fool me. + ―doorkn00b, Oct 2016 +% +Eyeglasses' job is to screw up a perfect stream of input in just the right way +so your messed up eyes see it as perfect. + ―phalangion, Oct 2014 +% +I wonder if anybody's ever named their son "James Bond Bond," so that when +their name is printed last-name-first it's Bond, James Bond. + ―Turbojett, Jan 2015 +% +There are only two days in your lifetime that aren't 24 hours long. + ―ShazamBitches, Jun 2015 +% +Netflix and Spotify should team up, so after you're done watching a show/movie +you can look up the songs from that episode or movie. + ―nickmichaelson, Aug 2015 +% +Santa Claus should be in the mall the week after Christmas so kids can go back +to thank him for the presents he brought them. + ―plafman, Dec 2015 +% +If you want to truly crash the Internet, have the director of the NSA do an +AMA. + ―dekket, Aug 2015 +% +The word "prefix" has a prefix. + ―steelpan, May 2014 +% +Seth MacFarlane sounds like he forgot his normal voice and is immitating what +he thinks he sounded like + ―Mantis_Pantis, Jan 2015 +% +In space, everything is a stones throw away. + ―BretticusMaximus92, Jul 2014 +% +A group of starfish should be called a constellation + ―BoyInACatCostume, Mar 2015 +% +What if way into the future when time travel is invented two scientists named +Adam and Eve travel back to the beginning of time but find nothing and +discover that they have to start all the life in the world + ―AlmightyCL3V, May 2015 +% +Saying the letters NSFW require more syllables than saying Not Safe For Work. + ―Skuhdoodle, Sep 2015 +% +Today a blimp's only purpose is to make you go "hey it's a blimp" + ―FricasseeingRabbit, Mar 2016 +% +Over time, the expression "you sound like a broken record" will lose all of +its literal meaning and become just a strange, idiomatic expression + ―zeptimius, May 2015 +% +The saying "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" is basically saying that you +should join the bandwagon rather than continuing to stand up for what you +believe in + ―LiquidMonocle, May 2016 +% +It's normal to call your son "son" but it's weird to call your daughter +"daughter" + ―TheBaz, Nov 2013 +% +The person who named the belly button must have had an "outie". + ―jjones217, May 2015 +% +Gray hair is just your hair printer running out of ink. + ―Caliphart, Sep 2015 +% +As a single guy, my heated passenger seat in my car is a takeout warmer. + ―Drivethrugaming, Oct 2015 +% +Peter Dinklage is a star. A white dwarf, to be more accurate. + ―Panyeman, Dec 2014 +% +Law and Order is just Scooby Doo for adults. + ―VinceDeF, Jul 2016 +% +My life is really like Rihanna's song, "just work work work work work" and the +rest of it I can't really understand. + ―CertifiedHogFucker, Sep 2016 +% +Unless you're a celebrity, Twitter is like talking to yourself in a crowded +room. + ―planetsalic, Mar 2016 +% +Today I broke my personal best Record for most consecutive days lived. + ―GravyWagon, Jul 2016 +% +I've never seen a police officer fill up their patrol car at a gas station + ―ohmyvitalize, Dec 2013 +% +My dog won't fetch balls, only rocks. Now I get excited when I spot a good +rock for her, even if she's not w/ me. My dog has been training me to fetch +all along... + ―Scootch1233, May 2014 +% +People always joke about browsing reddit all day at work, but for the people +who work at buzzfeed it probably is their job. + ―Firestorm987, Apr 2015 +% +If last names came from professions like Blacksmith, Fischer, and Hunter; then +someone drop the ball with Dickinson + ―HanSoloCenturyFalkon, Nov 2015 +% +To a dog, farts are just long distance handshakes. + ―Diabetic_Clam, Jan 2016 +% +"Star Wars" is a very uncreative name. + ―lost_my_dickens, Sep 2013 +% +The first man to ever get circumcised probably had to do ALOT of explaining to +people he had sex with. + ―VladimirPigPutin, Oct 2015 +% +There are a bunch of unofficial Showerthoughts Twitter accounts with WAY more +followers than us that don't give you guys any credit - help us catch up by +following our official @rShowerthoughts account! + ―drumcowski, Apr 2016 +% +When you say "the uhhhhhh..." in the middle of a sentence while trying to +remember something, your brain is vocalizing its loading icon. + ―ElectricFlesh, May 2016 +% +Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0. + ―TankArtist, Jul 2016 +% +A child born 08.08.08 is 8 years and 8 days old today. + ―GigaFluxx, Aug 2016 +% +Threads are called threads because they are on the web + ―scyiia, Jan 2014 +% +Rappers only ever talk about being extremely poor or obscenely rich. There are +no "middle class" rappers. + ―Br0metheus, Aug 2015 +% +Laptop designers need to test their product at 4 am in a dark room half asleep +and THEN decide if their brightness setting goes low enough + ―didsomebodysaymyname, Feb 2016 +% +I don't have a inner voice, I have 3 inner voices. One that says what I'm +really thinking, one that calls me stupid for thinking that and one that tries +to explain my point of view. + ―oopleeaze, Mar 2016 +% +I want to live in Bikini Bottom. A place where you can afford a decent house +on a single fast food employee's wage. + ―Falco_Columbarius, Jul 2015 +% +We should all agree on a day to not post anything on Reddit, and watch +Buzzfeed scramble and fail. + ―thefakejimmyfallon, Aug 2015 +% +On 6/9/69 I will also be 69 years old, it will be a day that goes down in +history. + ―duststormx, Jun 2016 +% +People go to cafés to have a stimulant and relax, and to night clubs to have a +depressant and go crazy + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +When I go to the mall with my girlfriend I'm basically an NPC companion. I am +constantly standing in her way, unaware of where she intends to go and not +really paying attention. So maybe bad NPC AI in video games isn't so off base +after all. + ―robotron91, Oct 2016 +% +I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living +room. For Jesus. + ―I_Say_I_Say, Dec 2014 +% +If you really want to get to know someone on a 1st date, just ask about their +first pet or favorite teacher. Then read all their emails. + ―[deleted], Jul 2015 +% +Catcalling a woman is about as effective as calling a cat + ―zxgf, May 2016 +% +Google should send a self-driving car to capture street view images in +Chernobyl. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +You know, for an adult cartoon I've liked Family Guy less and less as I've +grown older + ―0ddStranger, Feb 2016 +% +If they played the Pokemon Center music in hospitals it would be an overall +better experience + ―J_A_C_O_B, Jul 2016 +% +Gotye is now someone that we used to know. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +If Anna Kendrick married Kendrick Lamar, her name could potentially become +Anna Kendrick-Lamar + ―the29wall, May 2015 +% +Imagine if playing tag was a globaly watched multi-million dollar game like +football with professionals and everything. + ―Werben1agerman1ensen, Oct 2015 +% +I only use about 3% of toilet paper for wiping my ass, the rest is just for +not getting shit on my hands. + ―juanito883, Jan 2016 +% +Harry Potter is actually kind of an asshole. He's not very good at magic, and +he's constantly relying on his friends to do his research for him and bail him +out so he can take all the credit. + ―Trauma_Queen1, Aug 2016 +% +Being born is the first time I did something for the last time and dying will +be the last time I do something for the first time + ―ramdhiraj, Oct 2016 +% +Apple should respond to Google Glass with the iPatch + ―sam_wise_guy, Aug 2014 +% +why not have a ''front page'' and a ''NSFW front page?'' + ―plasma1147, Apr 2016 +% +It’s so dumb that drug dealers get sentenced to prison longer than +rapists. People ask for drugs, nobody asks for rape. + ―watl0l, Aug 2016 +% +Seeing someone reading a book you love is kind of like a book recommending a +person. + ―JohnnyIERB, Apr 2014 +% +Subway employees must hear "Ummm..." a thousand times each shift. + ―embiggenedmind, Aug 2015 +% +I wish people randomly offered me weed as often as middle school health +classes said they would + ―Hendri32, Aug 2016 +% +Sometimes I hate a post so much I wish Reddit offered the opposite of Reddit +Gold. They could call it Reddit Turd and charge more for it than Reddit Gold. + ―FinishingSauce, Dec 2014 +% +In the future, ancestry.com would just link to our old Facebook accounts. + ―thegrinderofpizza, Nov 2015 +% +Last week, I was a proud owner of "Star Wars: The Complete Saga" + ―tromboner21, Dec 2015 +% +What if every dog is reincarnated into another dog after they die and whenever +you see a person walking their dog who goes crazy and tries to meet you and be +your best friend is really your childhood dog trying to tell you he knows you +and misses you? + ―AMVRocks, Aug 2016 +% +Cinemas should have audio jacks on chairs so you can drown out annoying people +with your own headphones. + ―hoboharty, Aug 2015 +% +"Netflix and _____" would make a great black card for Cards Against Humanity. + ―kyolaroni, Sep 2015 +% +Finding your horse dead is both a first and third world problem + ―Iamnotdaredevil, Oct 2016 +% +We can land an RC car on the surface of Mars, but it still takes a finger up +the anus to test for prostate cancer. + ―mattonmc, Sep 2014 +% +I feel like my penis and the hulk are similar in many ways they both double +there size, do things they regret, and then shrink feeling tired + ―somemadkid, Jun 2015 +% +Blankets don't make us warm, we make blankets warm. + ―C-wizard, Mar 2016 +% +As an American, it's nice to see that another country is the laughing stock of +the world for a change. + ―Petey3894, Jun 2016 +% +When I'm old, being older than Google will be a big deal. + ―jwmosher, Jul 2016 +% +Hanging pictures of your children in your office is an implied threat. "These +kids will die of malnutrition if you fire me." + ―rayfromparkville, Jul 2015 +% +Humanity went from PvE to PvP + ―TheFeelsGuy, Sep 2015 +% +Facebook is just a Pokédex for people. + ―Wallach96, Oct 2016 +% +I wonder how many people who have signed up for reddit are now dead + ―nickcooper1991, Apr 2014 +% +If Dr Dre ever gets into a fight or hits someone, the internet will be full of +"beats by Dre" jokes + ―The_Atticus, Sep 2014 +% +Ariana Grande sounds like a font on Microsoft Word + ―makinthings, Dec 2014 +% +I wonder if every president goes through an awkward first few weeks in the +office when they're not sure when the right time is to ask if aliens are real +or not. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +Rick Astley is probably having a hard time with Lent. + ―turbinador, Feb 2015 +% +I wonder if I've ever had the same dollar bill twice + ―Well_thats_cool, May 2016 +% +I think Samsung research team misunderstood when their customers said they +needed a "Lighter" phone. + ―coolidiot2000, Oct 2016 +% +The lottery is not a tax on people who can't do math. The people who buy +tickets understand the odds of them winning millions are far better than the +odds of them earning millions. + ―stormreddit, Nov 2014 +% +Jimmy John's should open up an upscale restaurant called "James Jonathan's" + ―MakeMusicGreatAgain, Jan 2016 +% +Right now my body is doing hundreds of things to keep me alive, but +consciously I'm just scratching my ass + ―Kamanev, Apr 2016 +% +No matter how stupid you think your ideas are, remember, there’s a millionaire +out there because of pool noodles. + ―JOSHUA_MARK15, Sep 2016 +% +Pokemon is basically cockfighting for kids. + ―muhahah, Nov 2015 +% +"My parents are gay," is now a good response to Mormons at your door. + ―jazzychassis, Nov 2015 +% +I'm so bad at Reddit, most of my conversations are with bots, informing me +that I screwed up my post. + ―Badoor11, Oct 2016 +% +When applying for a job at the NSA, do you really need a résumé? + ―15MinClub, Oct 2016 +% +We're lucky that sound can't travel through the vacuum of space. If it could, +the universe would be incredibly loud. + ―WHALEDAD, Oct 2016 +% +I just realized the phrase "honk if you're horny" is a pun about horns. + ―trashconverters, Oct 2015 +% +With water, it's a puddle, but with blood, it's a pool. + ―TheRealTMBS, Nov 2015 +% +We invented phones so we wouldn't have to type out our messages. Look at us +now. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +Lonely seniors in retirement homes should be introduced to reddit as we would +listen to their tales of the good old days. + ―FuckYofavMC, Oct 2014 +% +I never read someone's username until somebody points out how ridiculous it is + ―PM_ME_YOUR_PANINIS, Aug 2015 +% +Toilets should have a foot pedal to lift the seat, like trash cans. + ―HumanQualities, May 2013 +% +In 16 years when my daughter is 18, each GoneWild link will momentarily +terrify me. + ―sharinghappiness, Mar 2015 +% +Donald Trump doesn't actually want to be president. He just wants to get more +airtime where people listen to his opinions. + ―zjbird, Jun 2015 +% +Five to ten years ago, custom cell phone rings were all the rage. Today, +everyone I know either uses the stock ringtone or keeps it on vibrate. + ―salad_dressing_dude, Sep 2015 +% +Male unicorn genitalia should be referred to as "Majesticals". + ―Areenix, Apr 2016 +% +I wish there were a app with statistics about my life. "9 woman thought about +sex with you.", "3 people thought about killing you", .. + ―Ustonovic, Jul 2016 +% +When saving, games should allow you to leave a note so that the next time you +start playing you remember what you did or what you were going to do. + ―Obelisdev, Dec 2014 +% +Bed, Bath and Beyond would be a great name for a brothel + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +The people who died climbing Mount Everest, who's bodies can never be +recovered, have the worlds most beautiful tombstone. + ―Mr-Rubber-Cot, Nov 2015 +% +If alcohol reveals your true self, then my real self just want to go to sleep. + ―goethean, Jul 2016 +% +The last person I would want giving me love and marriage advice during my +wedding ceremony is a priest that has lived a life of celibacy + ―ReallyUnbelievable, Oct 2016 +% +The tallest man on the planet has been every one of your heights at at least +one point in his life. + ―ThatsNotFroot, Jun 2013 +% +Traveling is just a real world type of DLC: you pay a bunch of money to unlock +a part of the game that you couldn't get to otherwise. + ―MasterOfAnalogies, Mar 2016 +% +Classes should have a final test in the first week and if you pass it you pass +the class but if you fail you have to take it normally + ―tappi22, Sep 2016 +% +Everything is a boomerang if you throw it straight up. + ―LuckyLuke90, Jul 2015 +% +If you're gonna commit suicide, you might aswell run into area 51 + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +What if police brutality has not increased but the amount of smartphones with +cameras filming them? + ―noscope420YOLO, Aug 2016 +% +The people offended at NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem, are +the same people who think this country is too easily offended + ―Neyja, Sep 2016 +% +Joan Rivers probably won't decompose for thousands of years + ―theshamwowguy, Sep 2014 +% +Maybe really rich and "successful" people tend to be miserable because that +feel like they've "beat the game," and now life is just a bunch of side +quests. + ―Disturbingly_Nice, Sep 2015 +% +If I heard voices I would always wear a Bluetooth so I could answer them +without social stigma + ―vonnegutgal, Dec 2015 +% +Being told over and over to "stay in school" is the only reason it ever +occurred to me that I could choose not to stay in school. + ―MellowMickSnowed, Mar 2016 +% +I wonder if spiders compare web sizes. “Wow man, you live in a mansion” Thanks +dude, I built it myself. + ―jhon_wilson, Jul 2016 +% +Men don't become more mature as they age, they become better at hiding how +immature they really are. + ―viceman99, Oct 2016 +% +I always say I've "heard" things I've learned on Reddit to make it seem like I +talk to more people than I actually do. + ―rld2013, Sep 2016 +% +If I saw a ghost, it would be the happiest day of my life... even if it was a +scary ghost that planned to kill me, at least I would know there's an +afterlife. + ―grandsonaccount, Sep 2016 +% +If there was a bipartisan bill sponsoring medical marijuana for arthritis +relief, it would be joint support for joint support for joint support + ―geekmuseNU, Jun 2014 +% +Everything posted in r/food is a shit post, eventually. + ―Algernon2Molitor, Aug 2016 +% +I would never park in a handicapped spot, but I always shit in the handicapped +stall when available. + ―VegansAndVitamins, Sep 2015 +% +What if Axe was invented by women to easily spot the douchebags? + ―GrandMa5TR, Jun 2016 +% +The more I learn, the shittier the world gets. + ―pluviophilosophy, Dec 2013 +% +Amazon should have an option to donate to charity if your short on free +shipping + ―Danot3, Oct 2015 +% +Working out is just tricking your body into thinking your life is harder than +it actually is + ―Jkizzle9, Jan 2016 +% +I often google how to spell a word before I correct someone for spelling it +wrong, to make sure I'm right. + ―DJS_88, Apr 2016 +% +If you rip a hole in a fish net, there are fewer holes in it. + ―siegro, Oct 2016 +% +They should make a tinder for orphans and parents looking to adopt... + ―blinking_cursor, Aug 2014 +% +Religious symbols are simply marketing logos for a particular brand of God. + ―knowses, Sep 2014 +% +Sometimes when I eat broccoli I think, this must be what it's like for giants +when they eat trees, but then I realize giants don't eat trees, and then I +remember there's no giants, and then I remember broccoli is gross and I get +even more sad. + ―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016 +% +Whenever Disney "re-imagines" an animated classic as a live action film, they +use so much CGI that they’re essentially making an animated film. + ―Try2bAmused, May 2016 +% +When I was a kid I ran through the woods with a Super Soaker shooting at trees +like I was fighting in a war, looking back the trees probably saw me as a +short fat forest troll nurturing them instead. + ―Paynstar, Jan 2015 +% +What if Jesus has a Twitter account but nobody knows about it because he only +has 12 followers? + ―brutchev, Mar 2015 +% +If someone killed the 1st zombie, stopping a zombie apocalypse from happening, +he\she would more then likely go to prison + ―Kelpt, Nov 2015 +% +When I was a kid, I imagined a TV channel that only reported positive news of +the world. I'm now 32, and want that more than ever. + ―philipzeplin, Sep 2016 +% +The word pueblo in Spanish means "village." The Pueblo Indians are literally +the Village People. + ―graaahh, Jan 2014 +% +Social media is to real life what porn is to real sex. + ―HardAtWorkPainting, Nov 2015 +% +Ads on the Internet are getting so smart that when I see a diaper ad, I worry +Google knows something I don't + ―kiver16, Aug 2016 +% +Hodor is basically a Pokemon. He is only able to say his name and he fights +under his master's control. + ―ekidwell, Aug 2014 +% +There should be a "no depressing shit" button on reddit.. I don't like looking +at sad stuff. + ―elfmachine100, Feb 2016 +% +Maybe the reason we've never met a time-traveler, is that we live in the most +boring part of all history. + ―Nwsamurai, Dec 2014 +% +if my dad jerked off just ONCE more in his life before my conception i +wouldn't be here + ―gay4u69, Feb 2014 +% +Today is Mario day. MAR 10. MAR10 + ―Pillow_Fucker_Jones, Mar 2015 +% +The "success rate" of prayer must have drastically increased after the +discovery of modern medicine + ―justinbibber, May 2016 +% +When someone dies on a TV show, we are basically watching them get fired. + ―therap321, Sep 2016 +% +Saying "I pay your salary so I am your boss!" to a cop is like saying "I pay +social security so I own the old people!" + ―UncannyFart, Oct 2016 +% +Cash Cab should have a version where they pick up drunks from the bar at 2 am + ―Redditusedtobedecent, Jul 2015 +% +When I die I want my last google search to be "How to fake your own death" + ―MeatCat88, Apr 2016 +% +99% of the time I have no idea what's going on when I play pinball + ―MeltingDog, Jun 2016 +% +For a change I´d like to know how much karma I´ve given out + ―runner909, Dec 2015 +% +If the gold rush had happened just 20 years later there would be a football +team called the 69ers. + ―Grohingdust, Feb 2016 +% +To find a needle in a haystack all you have to do is burn down the haystack. + ―WizardsandStuff, Aug 2016 +% +Star Wars and Metallica fans are the same: die hard fans that never stop +talking about their first three albums, have been disappointed with everything +since then and are always hopeful the next release will redeem them. + ―edenburns, Dec 2015 +% +The subreddit for Arkansas should be r/Kansas + ―AI1223, Jan 2016 +% +Reddit really needs someone to handle the bad PR due to the backlash of firing +the person who handles PR + ―iamtimcast, Jul 2015 +% +Goat milk should be marketed to children with the slogan "Kids love it!" + ―shiny_metal, Nov 2013 +% +If we were eyeless we'd be unaware of colour. What if we're missing some part +of reality because we don't have the organ to detect it? + ―CourageDeCowardlyDog, Nov 2015 +% +Lightswitches/lightbulbs should have two modes, the normal brightness mode and +the "i just need to pee, don't blind me" mode. + ―talpazz, Aug 2015 +% +"Slang" is the slang term for Colloquial. + ―HoneyNutCrunch, Sep 2015 +% +My 5 yo son this morning: "I love the steam from eggs... it's like little +souls going up." + ―kev_dog27, Sep 2016 +% +Hitler masturbated. + ―Artyomic, Oct 2013 +% +Ben & Jerry's should hire a mascot called Scoop Dogg to promote their new +cannabis ice-cream + ―Lincyat, Mar 2015 +% +'Gluten Tag' would be a really great name for a German Bakery. + ―Pargsnip, Dec 2015 +% +Maybe we're the advanced alien race that one day shows up to mess with other +peoples' planet. + ―ObeseWan, Feb 2016 +% +Taking the cover off my phone is like sex without a condom. I know it's +dangerous but it just feels so much better + ―Brexitishere, Jun 2016 +% +If Goldilocks tried three beds, then Momma Bear and Daddy Bear slept +seperately. Baby Bear is probably the only thing keeping the family together. + ―Thumbhat, Aug 2016 +% +Someone should parody the Apple dancing silhouette commercials and have the +new earbuds flying wildly in all directions as they try to dance. + ―Predditorylender, Sep 2016 +% +Kanye West may have more money than me, but any time I want I can see the +mother of his child with a dick in her mouth + ―smokeTO, Feb 2015 +% +The first 18 years of your life is like a free demo, then it's pay to play. + ―Pikachu579, Oct 2016 +% +Whenever someone makes a typo, I always look at my keyboard to see if the +wrong letter is close enough to the correct letter to be justifiable. + ―Ball_til_I_fall, Oct 2016 +% +The first person to have twins must have been so confused + ―IMP1017, Mar 2013 +% +I would know alot more about WW1 if WW2 never happened + ―TBS_, Sep 2013 +% +The 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous involve praying to a man who turns water +into wine. + ―Son0vaGlitch, Apr 2015 +% +If I ever had to do porn for money, I would do the nastiest, dirtiest stuff +out there, because then if someone I know finds out, they can't tell anyone +they've watched it. + ―TY3000, Nov 2015 +% +Ted Cruz's first words in response to the Iowa caucus win were "to god goes +the glory" aka "Allahu Akbar." + ―greycap7, Feb 2016 +% +"I didn't suck his dick" means 5 different things depending on which word you +emphasise + ―bigbeno98, Apr 2016 +% +I really wish my male pattern baldness would start with my armpits and +shoulders. + ―true_spokes, Sep 2016 +% +Belt loops are like belts for a belt. + ―youonme, Dec 2015 +% +It'd be cool if all Reddit users all did something collectively that instantly +changed the world Like, if 200 million users gave up eating fish for a month +to help the oceans, or stopped buying a product just to bankrupt a major +company overnight, or...I dunno, something. Any suggestion? + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +I'm 17, and frequently use IMDB's Parent Guide to make sure a movie is okay +for my parents to watch. + ―TyCooper8, May 2016 +% +There should be a second horn in your car that is used to show appreciation +for a smart driving maneuver. + ―mickjagaloon, Jul 2016 +% +Who the fuck was "I" in the "Now that's what I call music" album series? + ―Jorogasm, Apr 2016 +% +Pornhub has better category refinement then Netflix + ―nah_thataintme, Jul 2016 +% +I wonder how many fake arguments I've lost in other people's heads. + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +Dating sites should use Drivers License photos, so people will have lower +expectations from the start. + ―Loudsilences, Jul 2016 +% +Sony should release "The Interview" free online as a middle finger to the +"terrorists". + ―AchillesRage, Dec 2014 +% +If you're driving a Tesla and it get stolen, is it now an "Edison"? + ―MeowMixSong, Sep 2016 +% +Of all the animals to make gummy why aren't there gummy jellyfish with sour +tentacles + ―jt2893, Oct 2016 +% +Queen Elizabeth II has been alive since the height of the British Empire and +has spent roughly 78% of her life watching it decline + ―Turnoverr, Jun 2016 +% +At night I have all this motivation to get my life together and become a +better person but then in the morning I'm just like "Nah" + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +I don't buy lotto tickets because I think I'll win, I buy it to grant myself +access to day dream + ―mwhaskin, Jan 2016 +% +I'd be a lot more motivated at work if my boss paid me in cash every hour. + ―goethean, Feb 2016 +% +Weird Al should redo Pharrell Williams' hit as "Crappy" + ―Philip_of_mastadon, May 2014 +% +Growing up, everyone was worried that "the powers that be" were going to +microchip us. With the spread of smart phones, we microchipped ourselves. + ―PabloEstAmor, Apr 2015 +% +I just realized Justin Bieber is Canadian and his most popular song is, +"Sorry." + ―BrianGossling, Jun 2016 +% +A net is a flaccid cage. A cage is an erect net. + ―Very_Naive_Girl, Apr 2014 +% +If the Tooth Fairy was real, they would just be an expert criminal with a +really weird fetish. + ―Theholycasson, Aug 2015 +% +When we make alien contact I wonder if any of our common household items will +look like their genitals and forever be ruined + ―justhereforhides, Nov 2014 +% +The more advanced CGI becomes, the less dependable video evidence will be. + ―ShireHobbit, May 2014 +% +There should be a PIN you could enter into an ATM that shows you only have +$23.11, in case you get robbed for all your money. + ―haunter12, Jan 2015 +% +If sea creatures are hurt, I wonder if the salt in their wounds burns so +much... + ―KrishaCZ, Feb 2015 +% +If my girlfriend and I break up, I will never see her dog again and he will +have no idea why. + ―[deleted], May 2015 +% +They say it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, but it takes even less +to leave your face in an expressionless mask because you're dead inside. + ―geniegnee, Apr 2016 +% +We will only pay a few dollars for cow meat but we will pay hundreds of +dollars for cow skin + ―heykarlll, Aug 2016 +% +Katie Perry singing 'you change your mind like a girl changes clothes' is the +same as singing 'you change your mind like a girl changes her mind'. + ―brianenyo, Oct 2015 +% +Once self-driving cars are legal, we will be able to send our pets to pick up +family at the airport. + ―AtlasSchwarzenegger, Dec 2015 +% +It's 2016 and we still haven't figured out a solution to that thing that +happens when you try to call someone and they go to call you back but you're +calling them at the same time and no one can get through + ―Zacg15, Mar 2016 +% +If the Presbyterian church now has gay marriage as a part of its religion, +laws banning gay marriage now infringe on the religious freedom of Christians. + ―Dixzon, Jun 2014 +% +We eat pizza from the inside out. + ―shnookshnook, Nov 2015 +% +Deaf people who read the saying "potato, potato" have got to be confused as +fuck + ―MystifyTT, Apr 2016 +% +Teenagers drive like they have limited time & old people drive like they +have all the time in the world. + ―lizee_helene, Aug 2014 +% +Jesus got boners. + ―risa_23, Jul 2015 +% +Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned. + ―HearMeRoar92, Aug 2015 +% +If I was a stripper I would call myself The Ogre, because I grind men's bones +to make my bread. + ―christballs, Jul 2015 +% +Anti smoking campaigns should just advertise 'Cigarettes don't even get you +high' + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +If "gay" was always used in its original meaning, a guy having sex with a girl +would probably be pretty gay. + ―BewareTheCreeper, Jun 2016 +% +The term 'monopoly' consists of two words that are the complete opposite of +each other. + ―hob_knob, Oct 2016 +% +The price of gumballs from gumball machines has been remarkably stable in the +face of inflation. + ―morthrow, Jan 2016 +% +If "4:20 blaze it" is a common time to smoke, why isn't high noon a thing? + ―TheGreatPenguino, Apr 2016 +% +When I pass a "Student Driver" I always wonder if I'm being used as an +example. + ―S-Aint, May 2016 +% +If Yoda quotes himself, does his sentence structure become normal? + ―BrawlinStalin, Jan 2016 +% +It's easier to understand someone who's waaaay smarter than you than someone +who is just trying to sound smart + ―DunceMSTRFLX, Sep 2016 +% +Veins are like silly straws for vampires + ―I_says_to_Mabel, Jun 2014 +% +You seldom realize how much you took for grated a good keyboard until oe of +the letters stops workig + ―ReauCoCo, Jul 2015 +% +The word ''swims'' is the same upside down + ―RitoFreak, Dec 2015 +% +The label on my towel says "Wash before use" - this could apply to either me +or the towel. + ―RoonilaWazlib, Aug 2013 +% +If you don't sin Jesus died for nothing. + ―Weshaven, Jun 2015 +% +If the oldest person on earth is 116 years old, then 117 years ago, there was +a completely different set of human beings on earth. + ―VolpRS, Jul 2015 +% +I'm nobody now, but if I went back in time 500 years, I'd be the smartest man +in the world, emperors and generals would kill to have a conversation with +me. If I went into the future 500 years, historians and academics would fight +over having me in their company. + ―harmonicamike, Apr 2013 +% +"Ladies first" was probably invented by a dude who enjoyed admiring women from +behind + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +The average funeral costs bestween $7,000 - $10,000, I can't even afford to +die + ―BookerGinger, Jun 2016 +% +If I'm spelling a word correctly, the predictive keyboard on my phone should +show me synonyms instead of six variants of the same word I'm currently +typing. + ―Nicetitts, Jul 2016 +% +Any salad is a Caesar salad if you stab it enough times + ―911WasAPie, Aug 2016 +% +A spider has made a web right overtop of my fruit fly infested compost bin. He +is almost literally spawn camping. No fair, bro. + ―DocteurTaco, Jul 2014 +% +The same teachers who told me "respect your elders" were the same ones who +said "respect is earned, not given". + ―chronicallyfailed, Apr 2016 +% +I may go through my whole life with an allergy without ever knowing what it is + ―Crazycraggle, Sep 2016 +% +It is kind depressing to think that I used to play thousand of high quality +free flash games online, but nowadays I can barely find a free phone game that +isn't filled with ads or try to shove microtransactions. + ―Mr_Ivysaur, Oct 2016 +% +What if selfies were just a fad created so that the NSA could get as many +faces on file for facial recognition technology + ―HUMAN_BLENDER, Jul 2015 +% +NSFW Porn has probably helped reduce the rate of teen pregnancies by +popularizing external ejaculation. + ―dablueloon, Nov 2015 +% +A thousand seconds ago, I was on Reddit. A million seconds ago, I was at work +last week. A billion seconds ago, I was in 7th grade. A trillion seconds ago, +Neanderthals roamed the earth. + ―Prooffread3r, Dec 2015 +% +I live the same way I play RPGs, I ignore the main questline and mess around +doing side quests + ―platypus_stalker, Jul 2016 +% +What if time travel gets invented so far away in time that our time is a spec +that no one has a reason to travel to? + ―kindboi, Apr 2016 +% +Reddit is like Facebook if all your friends were interesting. + ―sanc0153, Jul 2016 +% +The reason "cheaters never win" is because the cheaters that did win didn't +get caught. + ―jacki123, Oct 2016 +% +Washers and dryers have been on top of each other for awhile now, but I've +never seen a washer that utilized gravity to automatically drop wet clothes +into the dryer. + ―j_strange88, Aug 2016 +% +If a website stored my incorrect password attempts, they could get passwords +to most of my accounts. + ―[deleted], Sep 2016 +% +If a commercial annoys me, I'll go out of my way to avoid using the product. + ―Death2Leviathan, Oct 2016 +% +Rockstar shouldnt ban GTA V players for using money hacks, because the game is +entirely about gaining money unfairly. + ―LetUsExplore, May 2015 +% +I want to see a Star Wars where the light side is a giant fascist empire that +preaches lack of individual thought and complete lack of emotion, and the dark +side is a small pocket of resistance who value the existence of intense +emotions, including recognizing the necessity of grief and sadness. + ―FrancisCastiglione12, Dec 2015 +% +Google should collect roadkill statistics just like traffic data and create a +map overlay that tells you where high risk areas of encountering animals on +the road exist. + ―Pitchfork_Wholesaler, Sep 2014 +% +In modern society, the best way to not leave a paper trail, is by actually +writing something down on paper. + ―GeronimoJak, Oct 2015 +% +The best way to insult a hipster is to tell them they look like somebody else +you know. + ―beeeeen, Sep 2016 +% +That's why my code isn't working! + ―FAcup, Aug 2015 +% +We live in a world where "the Dr. Oz show" is taken seriously, and "Adam Ruins +Everything" is just a comedy. + ―87Alpha1, Sep 2016 +% +Humans will suck dick and eat assholes but are hesitant to eat a browning +banana. + ―smell_it, Aug 2015 +% +Have you noticed how guys always shake their gas pistol when they are finished +and women don't? + ―YayaJax, Sep 2015 +% +I’m so glad I was born just before the time when all of my embarrassing +childhood videos would have been stored on the Internet. + ―trance_lovers, Jul 2016 +% +If you fail at suicide, you succeed at life. + ―CoStCo19, Nov 2013 +% +If we made everyone drive stick it'd probably put a huge dent on texting while +driving. + ―bone-dry, Jan 2015 +% +I've seen my face constantly for 21 years and yet how I picture myself in my +head and how I look in a mirror are always slightly different. + ―funtimegotime, Jul 2016 +% +A hug between girls is like a high five for boobs. + ―samisbond, Apr 2014 +% +One day I will unknowingly buy a lifetime supply of bananas. + ―kennyulls, Jul 2015 +% +Ashtray is just Pig Latin for Trash. + ―TooTallForPony, Aug 2015 +% +One day you will close Reddit, and never open it again. + ―Tom_And_Jerry, Apr 2016 +% +If there was an award for the most humble person on the planet, nobody would +ever accept it. + ―ReflexAB, Oct 2014 +% +I've learned more from YouTube and Wikipedia than I have from my $80K +education + ―ShartNSniff, Dec 2014 +% +The better you look in clothes, the more people want to take them off + ―Vaginer69420, Oct 2015 +% +Netflix asking if you are still watching the show is a lot like a bartender +trying to cut you off while drinking. + ―Brenvol, Mar 2016 +% +People don't get crankier as they age - they just become less tolerant of +other people's shit. + ―regularpizza, Oct 2015 +% +Anti-vaccination people are more afraid of living with a kid with autism than +they are of losing their child from an illness. + ―Decobran, Feb 2015 +% +Every single person on earth has a hidden talent they probably dont even know +theyve got because their life hasnt led them down a path where theyve found +out the could do it + ―KnuckleSandwich23, Nov 2015 +% +We're about 24 hours away from a new batch of idiots hurting themselves with +fireworks gifs. + ―fixalated, Jul 2016 +% +These clown sightings weren't an issue when Harambe was alive.... + ―DramaticBootyBump, Oct 2016 +% +The Wizard of Oz is the most 'chick flick' movie ever: Its about two women +fighting over a pair of shoes. + ―kim-jong-skillz, Jul 2014 +% +Toilets are perfectly designed to act as fart amplifiers + ―Theeocene, Jan 2016 +% +YouTube should take down every prank video and channel on April 1st, then put +them back up again 24 hours later with a sign that simply says, "it's just a +prank, bro." + ―htepO, Mar 2016 +% +My grandmother is 93 years old, which means she has been alive for both the +production of the Model T Ford, and the use of driverless cars. + ―mikesbullseye, Feb 2016 +% +If dogs really can sense evil, maybe all those tragedies where pit bulls kill +infants are just the dog stopping a future serial killer before it's too late. + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +Buy 1 pizza and feed yourself for a day, but buy two pizzas and feed yourself +for a day. + ―xDAYMANx, Oct 2015 +% +If you did something "like a boss", then you probably just paid someone to do +it. + ―ThatLonelyAstronaut, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder how many people within a 5 mile radius of me are orgasming right now + ―zazzy440, Dec 2015 +% +I hope I'm nowhere near a vibrator factory when the machines decide to rise up +against the humans. + ―Loudsilences, Jul 2016 +% +I'm more critical of someone who treats an animal poorly than I am of someone +who treats another person poorly. + ―dreterran, Oct 2016 +% +Eating is killing animals and absorbing their power. + ―Danisnotonavan, Jul 2013 +% +If you went to college to learn how to make dog food and your dog ate your +homework, you'd get an A. + ―wowurdumb, Sep 2014 +% +the first infected zombie attacks you and you murder it in self defense. there +are no witnesses. you are arrested for murder in the first degree. you live +the rest of your life in a prison cell knowing you saved humanity, but +everyone else thinks you're crazy. + ―SaferThanATubeSock, Feb 2015 +% +If Facebook had a dislike button, teen suicide rates would skyrocket. + ―GnarlyBellyButton69, Aug 2015 +% +The reason why Mickey Mouse has a pet dog (Pluto) is to keep cats away + ―wannaswim, Sep 2015 +% +Why not make every bathroom unisex, with 100% private stalls instead of +building two sets of bathrooms with stalls and/or urinals. + ―Tekki, May 2016 +% +Wouldn't it be nice if car horns had multiple honk types (gentle to get +attention, a hello honk, the necessary fuck you honk, etc)? Emotihonks? + ―pantsoff, Aug 2016 +% +In about 50 years, Zero-G will be an online porn category. + ―palmermenken, Aug 2016 +% +A gallon of gas is less expensive than guacamole from Chipotle. + ―jewrdan, Jan 2015 +% +The last human won't get a funeral + ―shparty, Sep 2016 +% +A fish tank is the opposite of a submarine. + ―Lelldorin, Dec 2015 +% +Reddit is both a place of extreme beauty, generosity and wonder while also +being a forum for grotesque filth, depraved thoughts and pornography. It is a +perfect representation of humanity. + ―MrMallow, Dec 2014 +% +If you're ever in a zombie apocalypse, it's better to be in a building with +all "pull", not "push" doors. + ―jou13, Jan 2015 +% +I know more about WWII, which happened 50 years before I was born, than I do +about the war Iraq War, which happened while I was alive + ―joeykip, Mar 2015 +% +At the end of my life one of my legs will have walked further than the other +but I will never know which one. + ―canntstopmeow, Jun 2016 +% +If we ever come in contact with aliens I feel like we're just gonna eventually +ask each other what the fuck is going on. Like being lost in a labyrinth and +finding somebody just as lost. + ―EthniK_ElectriK, Aug 2016 +% +I'm paying for school to get a job so I can get a job and pay for school + ―lmNotSorry, Sep 2016 +% +If people don't recognize Clark Kent as Superman because of his glasses, does +his eye doctor know his true identity? + ―oldtobes, Aug 2013 +% +It amazes me that there was a time before sandwiches. + ―taintosaurus_rex, Oct 2015 +% +Sex would be really gross if sperm were big enough to see + ―Man_savage, Jul 2016 +% +You never truly appreciate an unblocked nose until you develop a cold and +can't breathe through your nose + ―theendofblue, Jun 2016 +% +If planet Earth is in fact the third planet from the Sun does that mean every +country is a third-world country? + ―LiteSh0w, Jul 2013 +% +Is an ejaculating penis a fountain of youth? + ―Rorshock, Oct 2014 +% +If everyone were blind, racial slurs would all be about how people sound. + ―KubrickIsMyCopilot, May 2016 +% +Daddy Long Legs is a really pimp name for a spider + ―20WaysToEatASandwich, Jun 2016 +% +All terms and conditions should be required to provide a tl;dr + ―BuddyEndsleigh, Jul 2016 +% +I wish the NSFW tags had tags; there's a big difference between titties and +heads falling off. + ―Frostasauruss, Aug 2016 +% +The woman I am most likely interested in isn't at bars or meetup, but at home +watching Netflix, and there's no way I'll ever meet her. + ―iHarshil, Oct 2016 +% +Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game + ―autoadmit, Apr 2015 +% +Naming a dolphin "Flipper" is like naming your kid "Arm" + ―Humdrumhum, Mar 2016 +% +Handcuffing a deaf person infringes upon their 1st Amendment rights. + ―allute, Mar 2015 +% +If Alvin & The Chipmunks 4 is brave enough to release the same day as Star +Wars VII: The Force Awakens, you're brave enough to ask your crush out. + ―darkknifes, Dec 2015 +% +Californians don't dress like 1840s gold miners. Virginians don't wear +powdered wigs like their ancestors. Floridians don't dress like +Conquistadors. So why do Texans dress like cowboys? + ―KubrickIsMyCopilot, Sep 2014 +% +The Reddit front page is the Millenial's "morning paper." + ―meemeebozip, Nov 2014 +% +Stephen hawking is the result of god min / maxing a character + ―leafynospleens, Jun 2015 +% +I wonder how many numbers between 1-1,000,000 I've never heard + ―Drewskeeh, Aug 2016 +% +Since the simpsons first aired I've gone from Barts age to Homers age + ―vanmutt, Sep 2016 +% +Whenever a famous person dies, someone goes through their entry on Wikipedia +and changes every "is" into a "was" + ―cortexstack, Oct 2013 +% +IMDB needs a filter search results by "available on Netflix" option + ―smileedude, Aug 2015 +% +At the end of each day, life should ask us whether we want to 'save changes'. + ―Flighterbird, Apr 2016 +% +If Elon Musk really is our Tony Stark, we should trap him in a cave until he +creates a fusion reactor + ―ZMech, May 2016 +% +The term YOLO is anti-Hinduism + ―JuiceBox65, Jan 2015 +% +If I concentrated as much at work as I do when I shave my balls I'd be a +millionaire by now... + ―steel_city89, Apr 2016 +% +In I Am Legend, a man manages to survive three years with a dog as his sole +companion but dies after merely 24 hours with a woman + ―temptemptempaccount, May 2016 +% +If the Mayans had predicted 2016 as the final year instead of 2012, it would +have been pretty convincing + ―Bigbootyjudytooty2, Jul 2016 +% +On the day Arnold Schwarzenegger dies the phrase "Hasta la Vista" will be said +more times than any other day in history. + ―TOMORROWS-FORECAST, Mar 2015 +% +What if Leonardo DiCaprio stars as himself in a movie - where he struggles to +win an oscar...and wins an oscar for it? + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +We're the only species that pays to live on earth. + ―Belugs, Oct 2013 +% +My parents told me about rotary phones. I'll tell my kids about pressing a +button three times to text a single letter. + ―heymanitspikachu, Sep 2015 +% +NSFW posts actually draw my attention and curiosity rather than deterring me +from the post + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +When browsing in incognito mode, Google should autofill your search results +with all the dirty and nsfw results it refuses to do in normal mode. + ―klm1234, Mar 2016 +% +Homosexuality predates Christianity, so it's actually more natural to have gay +sex than it is to worship Jesus + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +I'd find less money on the ground if I was more confident + ―cokeflu, Aug 2015 +% +there's probably a thousand gay people coming out of the closet today just to +test the waters + ―actually_crazy_irl, Apr 2016 +% +Instead of purple, visited links on Reddit should turn red. That way, +redditors can say that they have 'red'it. + ―Potentpotable_, Aug 2014 +% +Lots of rap songs are going to sound really corny once weed is legalized +nationally. + ―raymiedubbs, Mar 2015 +% +When you procrastinate you're basically telling your future self, "Fuck you, +you do it" + ―Sweepy_time, Mar 2016 +% +It's always such a relief when I log on to Reddit in the morning and the top +post isn't about mass murder. + ―Cosmolution, Jul 2016 +% +When my grandma says "This is my jam," she means something very different than +the girls at the club. + ―Dangermanagement, Sep 2015 +% +What if the 'monster' under your bed sees you as the monster on top of the +bed, and is so terrified he keeps as still and quiet as possible. + ―Cocktupus, Jun 2016 +% +The people who bitch about millenials are the same people who were responsible +for raising us. + ―GnomishProtozoa, Aug 2016 +% +I buy trashbags just so I can throw them away. + ―too_if_by_see, Jul 2014 +% +Ellen should give away more stuff like Oprah and rename her show Ellen de +Generous + ―Axegrinder100, Aug 2016 +% +Coffee should have a caffeine percentage indicator just like alcohol +percentage in beer, wine, etc. + ―pikus_gracilens, Dec 2015 +% +Al Pacino sounds more like a food modifier than a name. "I'll have the +spaghetti al pacino." + ―cubitfox, Nov 2015 +% +bing.com would be a great password since no one intentionally types it + ―ginsox, Jan 2016 +% +Netflix needs a “I have 30 min before I’ll fall asleep and I want to watch +something funny” category. + ―Matlock_24, Feb 2016 +% +Death only exists from a 3rd person perspective. + ―mildbuzz, Dec 2014 +% +The Battery % on my smart phone at the end of my work shift directly reflects +my actual work % for the day... + ―cbrown6775, Dec 2014 +% +There should be movie theaters with separate bathrooms per screen and the +audio playing while you go. + ―mattypanda, Feb 2015 +% +Kid Rock should change his name to Adult Country. + ―Tinkletyme, Sep 2015 +% +Instead of a finale The Simpsons should just keep retiring characters as all +the voice actors die. The final episode will just be shots of an empty +Springfield. + ―macrowive, Nov 2013 +% +Whatever happened to the guy who had his face eaten by the guy in Miami? +Everyone else has forgotten about him and is talking about North Korea and +stuff. But he's still walking around somewhere with half a face. + ―joec_95123, Dec 2014 +% +There should be an average person running/swimming alongside the Olympic +athletes to show just how athletic these competitors are. + ―JeezusChristIII, Apr 2015 +% +Wtf is salt? "Hey, throw this rock on your food and it will taste better. Also +if you don't get enough of it you'll die, and if you get too much of it you +might die too" + ―EsotericFeels, Oct 2015 +% +If you're pregnant with a boy, you're growing a pair of balls + ―thop1989, May 2016 +% +Smoking cigarettes is a great way to commit suicide if you’re a +procrastinator. + ―micheldeveon, Jul 2016 +% +A stopped clock will be right twice a day, but a clock losing one second a +year will only be right every 43,200 years. + ―twin_tails_, Oct 2016 +% +Facebook isn't a list of my friends. It's a list of people I used to know. + ―idigqui, Feb 2015 +% +I wonder if my house smells as weird as everyone else's seems to. + ―DrBort, Feb 2015 +% +It's weird people compare life to a roller coaster, because on a roller +coaster, the downhill parts are the most fun. + ―zoolander-, Jun 2015 +% +Pandora really needs a "No live versions or remixes" option. + ―Mick0331, Mar 2016 +% +Most people probably have a great fashion sense but simply aren't wealthy +enough to show it. + ―the-what-if-girl, Sep 2016 +% +If oceanographers ever found a kraken, they would put it in an aquarium. Then +an animal activist group would start a mob outside with signs saying "Release +the Kraken!" + ―Samoht_Tloh, Oct 2014 +% +Monday the 13th sounds worse than Friday the 13th + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +Belts are gross. They're the first thing we touch after using the toilet and +nobody ever washes them. + ―DoctorKynes, Aug 2015 +% +If your name is Dick, everything you do is a dick move. + ―sh_oooo, Jan 2015 +% +Cutting a corner off a piece of paper increases the number of corners it has. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +In a figurative context, the adjectives "blunt" and "to the point" have +similar meanings, but in a literal context, they are exact opposites. + ―CharlemagneAdelaar, Apr 2016 +% +The penis is considered more obscene than the butt, but urine is considered +less obscene than feces. + ―MrDrProfessorWiggles, Jul 2016 +% +Spiders are just web developers that are happy to find bugs + ―tacticalsword, Aug 2016 +% +I posts on reddit because my real life friends don't reply as quickly as you +guys + ―babajaja, Sep 2016 +% +For the next Miss USA they should add a "no makeup" and "ask her ex" +competition to spice things up. + ―d_fromsd, Jul 2015 +% +Dogs probably destroy shoes because they see humans put them on before they +leave the house. + ―Superstinkyfart, May 2016 +% +Girls don't really buy hair ties. They just rent them from the universe for an +undisclosed amount of time. + ―jeufie, Jun 2016 +% +I wonder if the extras playing evil Stormtroopers in the upcoming Star Wars +films are all smiling under their helmets, as they get to fulfil their +childhood dreams of fighting in a Star Wars movie. + ―SassyVelociraptor, Jul 2015 +% +I've been using AdBlock for more than five years; I have no idea what the +internet actually looks like. + ―spidermandrew, May 2015 +% +I probably live more comfortably than kings and queens in the distant past. + ―BreatheMyStink, Aug 2016 +% +When Will.I.Am dies his grave stone should say Will.I.Was + ―SauceClock, Apr 2014 +% +Pockets are probably the most underrated invention ever. + ―FatGuyW, Jun 2014 +% +When you "water" something you add water to it, but when you "milk" something +you take milk from it. + ―DefinitelyNotATree, Feb 2015 +% +if you rob a bank you won't need to worry about bills for the next 10 years, +successful or not + ―ImpulseFlea92, Jul 2016 +% +In Adam Sandler movies, the wife always has to be a total babe so decent +looking children make sense. + ―[deleted], May 2015 +% +If Apple came out with a Google Glass competitor, would it be called the +iPatch? + ―dyzok, Jul 2014 +% +What if after you die God asks you - "So how was heaven?" + ―_cartman_, Apr 2015 +% +I wonder what it'd be like to see an album of all the photos you're +unknowingly in the background of. + ―Kclark725, May 2015 +% +"Half a dozen" is a very inefficient way of saying "Six" + ―ISpikInglisVeriBest, Jun 2015 +% +Lance Armstrong would have been an awesome name for a medieval jouster. + ―Atheose_Writing, Oct 2015 +% +For all we know, the last human on earth might already have been born. + ―this_raccoon, Sep 2013 +% +If I owned a copy store, I would only hire identical twins. + ―ImprovingKodiak, Aug 2014 +% +If you had never heard of the boogie man before you might think he's a pretty +cool guy. + ―TacQT1me, Aug 2015 +% +Asking for someone's name is just asking what noise you should make to attract +their attention + ―njlhunt14, Nov 2015 +% +Looking through your iPod and choosing a song is like saying, "How do I want +my air vibrated?" + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +Some rich philanthropist should scatter seven Dragon Balls across the world +and grant whoever returns them one wish from his fortune. + ―life_manager, Jun 2015 +% +Depression is like being in a stale and abusive relationship with yourself, +and wanting to break up. + ―nevernukewinter, Nov 2015 +% +You know you're becoming an adult when you already own most of the needed +ingredients for a recipe. + ―hardboiledquestions, Mar 2016 +% +Since Chris Pratt is playing the lead in Jurassic World, they should've just +named the movie Parks and Rex + ―McBeardyson, Jun 2015 +% +People who know what 'Ingest' means probably wouldn't eat shampoo in the first +place + ―JeffSergeant, Mar 2016 +% +Only those on the fence can clearly see both sides + ―ausome_saus, May 2016 +% +For most of human history, vehicles had automatic collision avoidance and +could even take you home when you were sleeping or drunk. Then we got rid of +the horse. + ―YoYoJoh, Oct 2016 +% +Having the last name of Down and trying to be a police officer would make the +job highly inconvenient for your coworkers. + ―PotatoAvenger, Jan 2016 +% +Guys think girls dress up for them, but really, girls dress to impress other +girls. Guys work out and think it'll impress girls, but mostly impress other +dudes that work out. + ―LargeWhale, Sep 2016 +% +/r/AnimalPorn would be a great but horrible name for /r/aww + ―AlphaApache, Feb 2015 +% +Not only does 12+1=11+2, but the letters "twelve plus one" rearrange to give +you "eleven plus two" + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +In 99% of cases I will actually go out of my way to avoid a particular +company/product if I'm continuously bombarded with their ads on social media. + ―forty2wallabyway, Oct 2016 +% +Making the " ~ " tilde key the official punctuation used for written sarcasm +would prevent a lot of misunderstandings. + ―Boolyman, Jun 2015 +% +What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady but we'll never know because he +can't stand up + ―OneEyedKing17, Oct 2015 +% +Be skeptical. Tomorrow will be April Fools Day, so you should be wary of news +reports because many will be lies intended to trick you. You should also be +wary of news reports on the other 364 days because many will be lies intended +to trick you. + ―butt_heads, Mar 2016 +% +My girlfriend and I broke up on July 5th. I had two independence days back to +back. + ―PM_ME_UR_ASIAN_BODY, Jul 2016 +% +Today is today's birthday. + ―Vexal_, Apr 2015 +% +People who've read all the Game of Thrones books are better at keeping secrets +then most governments. + ―the3rdck, Apr 2015 +% +Do you remember the Shower thought that said that your future self is watching +you right now through memories? If you do, it just came true. + ―i_have_no_time, Sep 2015 +% +Major disappointment for a teen: not being invited to a party. Major +disappointment for an adult: being invited to a party. + ―Deray22, Oct 2016 +% +Refrigerators should be clear so you can see inside without opening the door + ―Uclydde, Jun 2015 +% +There is a family of bears that is obsessed with wiping their asses and it is +known as "advertising". + ―Spotunclesammy, Feb 2016 +% +There should be an email setting that allows you to set a value (lets say 50) +and if you don't open an email that many times in a row it will automatically +unsubscribe you from it. + ―Nyxtia, Apr 2016 +% +You know how you can tap on YouTube videos to see how much time is left? I +wish I could do that when some people talk + ―NSA_GOV, Sep 2016 +% +What if Lucifer is still God's best angel and he is just fulfilling a duty no +one else wanted to? + ―Poof_Wonder, Oct 2016 +% +The ultimate goal of a good dating app is to be deleted. + ―notamypascal, Oct 2016 +% +I should secretly learn a foreign language so that on the off chance I have +brain surgery, I can freak people out when I wake up by only speaking it +instead of English. + ―CanadianDaryl, Mar 2015 +% +What I like about reddit is that you can be a 18 year old nobody and still +talk with some stranger that can be highly skilled in his/hers field - in +reality you wouldn't be able to have such casual conversations + ―sistasvangenHOKARANG, Jan 2016 +% +I get paid to work. I use the money to buy gym membership. The only reason I +go to the gym is to get laid. I'm paying for sex + ―Cameltitties, Aug 2016 +% +I have won as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio. + ―porchguitar, Aug 2013 +% +My phone's response to a low battery is to vibrate, turn the screen on, show a +visual warning and chime loudly. This seems counter-productive. + ―htid85, Nov 2015 +% +You know what'd be really cool? If someone took all of the top /r/earthporn +posts and plotted them on a map + ―PM_your_linguini, May 2016 +% +If you dig into Mars' soil, are you unearthing something or unmarsing +something? + ―kastskyrr, Aug 2016 +% +Google maps should have a "home town" option that starts directions from the +nearest major intersection, and doesn't waste time telling me how to get out +of my own neighborhood. + ―notBrit, Feb 2015 +% +It takes longer to say "www." than "world wide web." + ―thelirivalley, Nov 2013 +% +What if the saying "money doesn't grow on trees" was invented by rich people +so we don't find their money trees? + ―ChiefBigwilly, Sep 2015 +% +Someone taking down a "missing person" sign can either be really good or +really bad. + ―EastLight, Jul 2016 +% +When Woody shook the magic 8 ball in Toy Story, was it self-aware like the +other toys, and consciously generating a response? + ―PeterPorky, Jun 2014 +% +Today's date is palindrome. 5-10-2015. + ―The-SpaceGuy, Oct 2015 +% +If you step on people's feet,they will open their mouth just like trash bins. + ―Muzammil11, May 2016 +% +The movie theater might be the only place where free WiFi would be looked down +upon. + ―BasedRib, Jun 2016 +% +If something "goes downhill" it means it worsened, but if we say things are +going to go "uphill" that means it's going to get harder. There's no winning +when it comes to hills. + ―[deleted], Jun 2013 +% +There are too many people thinkng about Obama when they're in the shower. + ―DoctorCrook, Dec 2013 +% +$1000 worth of Coke is worse for you than $1000 worth of coke. + ―stactup, Sep 2014 +% +Spiderman would be way less cool if he wasn’t living in a city full of +skyscrapers. + ―Stephen_Harold, Sep 2016 +% +No one ever seems to say, "You win some, you lose some" when you win some. + ―Ikrela, Mar 2016 +% +If I put something in the refrigerator the first time am I just frigerating +it? + ―lordofkingdom, Oct 2016 +% +Redbox should team up with pizza shops so that we can get a movie delivered +with our pizza + ―Nohbdysays, Sep 2014 +% +I wonder if my dogs think the delivery people are my owners because they give +me food. + ―xakryn, Apr 2016 +% +Spotify should add a feature that keeps track of skips vs. plays to me know +what songs I should delete from my music or playlists. + ―104101110114121, Sep 2016 +% +Of course the DEA doesn't want the status of marijuana to change; they would +lose their easiest cash cow. + ―micwillia, Aug 2016 +% +The only difference between manslaughter and mans laughter is a little space. + ―misterpickles69, Feb 2014 +% +Since Britain's new £5 note is washable, you can now launder money without +being arrested for it. + ―MCsqu4red, Sep 2016 +% +I'm intelligent enough to realise that I'm not very intelligent at all. + ―lackint, Jul 2015 +% +It always seems as if the designers of dishwasher racks have never loaded a +dishwasher themselves + ―fusterclux, Dec 2015 +% +The Pope's probably glad he gets to name himself. If the public named the Pope +we'd probably end up with Popey McPopeface I. + ―Art_Thendelay, May 2016 +% +If you see a male praying mantis, he is a virgin... + ―MarieGoneGoth-ish, Sep 2015 +% +Medusa would be way less dangerous if she had huge boobs + ―shitstainjefferson, Oct 2015 +% +Jedi always bring a knife to a gun fight. + ―GiggleFats, Oct 2015 +% +People often credit the CIA or MI6 as being the best intelligence agencies, +but we likely have never heard of the best intelligence agency + ―CameraManShotFirst, Apr 2016 +% +the blood in your anus is the same blood that goes through your tongue + ―[deleted], Nov 2013 +% +I woke up this morning at 4:04am and couldn't fall back asleep. I had a 404: +Sleep Not Found. + ―MyLifeForAnEType, Dec 2013 +% +If we had a dollar for every speculative year that the universe has existed we +still couldn't pay off the U.S. National Debt. + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +The best part about being in a relationship with a very picky person is +knowing that, at least in one thing, you are good enough. + ―rreighe2, Oct 2014 +% +Not watching episodes of a series on Netflix without my girlfriend is the +modern day version of chivalry. + ―peterreis, Feb 2016 +% +Police sirens should be illegal on the radio + ―Rick_Flames, Jul 2016 +% +I don't actually dislike ads, I just dislike seeing the same ad, over and +over, on every damn internet video I watch. + ―applejackisbestpony, Oct 2016 +% +Whenever I see a typo, I always look at the keyboard to see if the wrong +letter is close to the letter that should have been used + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +The only thing destroying reddit right now is the lack of anything actually +funny or interesting making it to the front page. + ―SebNat, Jun 2015 +% +The symbol of Christianity was a torture device. The Nazi symbol meant peace. + ―Shadrach_Jones, Mar 2016 +% +If Hilary Clinton gets elected President, she'll work every day in the room +where her husband had an affair. + ―I_Gets_The_Reference, Oct 2014 +% +Powerball odds are about 1 in 290,000,000. The odds that you beat out all the +other sperm cells to fertilize your mothers egg is about 1 in 250,000,000. All +of us have already won the powerball by simply existing. + ―mathguy8288, Jan 2016 +% +If Redtube wasn't a thing, Youtube Red would be named Redtube + ―ScourgeOfTheOcean, Jul 2016 +% +Being a reckless driver is bad, but being a wreckless driver is good. + ―synonymous_with, Jun 2014 +% +Eventually once all phones are waterproof we'll be able to push people into +pools again + ―whiteandy94, Sep 2016 +% +Pick-up artists and garbage men should switch names + ―youcancallmealsdkf, Jun 2016 +% +I'm 25 years old and I am still not used to being referred to as a 'man' + ―neilddd, Jun 2016 +% +The most tragic victims of irony are that trees were cut down to make copies +of The Lorax. + ―__Corvus__, Jul 2016 +% +These naked humans keep getting inside me. + ―ReckoningGotham, Jan 2014 +% +Why should i go to someones funeral when I know for a fact that they will not +go to mine? + ―drybonespwns, Jun 2015 +% +People in 1995 would be really impressed by our technology today, but people +in the 1950's would be really unimpressed because of their idea of the future. + ―willj5784, Nov 2015 +% +Future Me is constantly fucked over by Present Me, who should have learned +after being fucked over by Past Me + ―Imbusyyoudick, Feb 2016 +% +Virtual reality porn is going to cause a major increase of people getting +caught masturbating. + ―Swichts, Feb 2016 +% +There are so many Asians in the world and I never see pregnant Asian ladies. + ―OGNicko, Jun 2013 +% +A blind person must have a really low electricity bill. + ―aspophilia, Jan 2016 +% +I've never read a science article that says an animal is dumber than we +previously thought. + ―snipawolf, Aug 2016 +% +I feel like Frodo would have some serious PTSD picking out an engagement ring. + ―useless_uterus, Aug 2015 +% +As adults, we are just trying to return to the days of our early childhood. We +want to eat when we are hungry, sleep when we are tired, play when we are +bored, never have to worry about money, and be loved unconditionally. + ―The_Lightkeeper, Feb 2016 +% +If I drove it like I stole it, I would abide by every law to not get noticed. + ―RoboCooter, Jun 2016 +% +My legacy to the world will probably be a bunch of comments I left in forums +buried forever on the internet. + ―Chuntzy, Mar 2016 +% +When you get an uncomfortable boner and have to shift it's position, you're +adjusting for inflation. + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +As a gay guy, other gay guys are both potential romantic rivals and targets at +the same time. + ―Dr_Heron, Jun 2015 +% +Instead of giving mass killers/rapists news coverage and nicknames that they +want we should give them ridiculous names like "Gayboi Gacy" "Baby dick Bundy" +"Rat Face Ramirez" + ―Jackielegz8689, Jan 2016 +% +Coffee cake is named because it is eaten with coffee. By this logic, French +fries should be called "burger sticks." + ―Ovitz, Feb 2016 +% +If your Tesla car gets soaked by a flood, you should park it in a bag of rice +overnight. + ―frowawayduh, Oct 2016 +% +If a woman has preference for tall men, that's OK. If a man has a preference +for Asian women, he has a "fetish." + ―dunkindoughnuts2016, Oct 2016 +% +Vampires are intelligent but to kill them you destroy their heart, zombies are +mindless but to kill them you destroy their brain. + ―badgerteacher, Jul 2014 +% +If I decide not to have kids, I will single-handedly be responsible for +ruining a 3.5 billion year streak of reproduction. + ―Zombrer0, Mar 2015 +% +My internet bill is basically a subscription fee for all of those "free" porn +websites + ―SassManDo, Jan 2016 +% +There should be a browser extension that changed famous names to "woman", +"guy" or "human" to show how useless and ridiculous celebrity news is + ―magicsebi, Jan 2016 +% +If watermelon exists, why can't firemelon, earthmelon and windmelon? ... The +elemelons. + ―Halfwombat, Apr 2015 +% +Does anyone else walk into a building and think, 'this place is defensible in +a zombie apocalypse'? + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +Harry Potter would have been amazing if each book got a season in a Netflix +series. + ―keunie, Oct 2016 +% +The CEO of Amazon should change his title to 'Prime Minister' + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +The inventor of the computer had to make it without using a computer. + ―TractorMcTractor, Sep 2016 +% +I feel bad for Justin Bieber. He has been to every Justin Bieber concert. + ―Psylent0, Oct 2016 +% +For someone, somewhere in America, today is the last day they'll wake up with +all 10 fingers. + ―viral_virus, Jul 2015 +% +If 666 is evil, does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil? + ―SouledMonk, Jan 2016 +% +Whenever you paint the walls of a room, the room gets smaller, slightly. + ―StackShitThatHigh, Jul 2013 +% +Cold war reenactments are a lot easier All you have to do is sit around and +look worried about Russia. + ―flabbytoad, Feb 2015 +% +If I select text in Word, I should be able to capitalize all of it by hitting +caps lock, or put it all in quotes by hitting the quotation mark + ―awinnie, Nov 2015 +% +My dog probably thinks that every time I step outside without her, I just walk +around the block for hours on end. + ―magrippalfcos, Mar 2016 +% +"Do not insert Q-tip into ear canal," may be the all-time most ignored product +warning in history. + ―MattSolo734, Mar 2016 +% +If a clock is broken, it will display the exact time twice a day. If it's +working, it probably won't ever show the true time. + ―Jhacker111, May 2014 +% +If I knew I was going to die soon, it would be funny to put up a huge collage +wall in my bedroom of newspaper clippings relating to an unsolved string of +murders. + ―Givemeanegg, Jul 2016 +% +There should be a smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I"m just +cooking" + ―Otalgia, Jul 2016 +% +Santa is a dick for letting Rudolph be treated like crap until he became +"useful." + ―FiveGuysAlive, Dec 2014 +% +If R2-D2 was carrying the plans for the death star inside of him, why did he +need to jack into their system to find where to shut off the tractor beam? + ―DeedSic, Jan 2015 +% +There's no better alarm clock than a dog preparing to puke on the carpet. + ―rawkus2g, Dec 2015 +% +Every time you smell a flower, you are sniffing it's genitals + ―poopscratch, Dec 2015 +% +People in the future will retire to play video games instead of golf. + ―winterbourne, Sep 2016 +% +It's amazing how often "Can I help you?" really means "You look +suspicious. Who are you and what are you doing here?" + ―dommeursault, Aug 2015 +% +When you die without children, you're the first of millions of ancestors to +not reproduce. + ―what_he_has_had, Oct 2016 +% +People used to keep diaries, and get mad when anyone read them. Now we post +stuff online, and get mad when people DON'T read it. + ―TheOneTrueCripple, Feb 2015 +% +Losing ten pounds is great in the US and sucks in the UK. + ―Salchonic, May 2016 +% +The parental guidance feature on IMDB is for parents to see if the movie is +suitable for their children, I use it to see if its suitable for me to watch +with my parents + ―octopish, Jan 2015 +% +If baby humans and animals look so cute to keep us from caring how annoying +and needy they are and not kill them, I wonder if blind people are more prone +to just drop kicking a crying infant. + ―Fanshelpmesleep, Nov 2015 +% +It's genius of Apple and the FBI to pretend that the feds don't already have +complete access to everyone's iPhones. + ―punkstyle, Feb 2016 +% +When we finally invented a three-dimensional mode of transport, we named it a +"plane" + ―GetItReich, May 2016 +% +Apple should invent something like a cord that ties AirPods to iPhones so that +they don't get lost. + ―Eesa_, Sep 2016 +% +Cups are only designed for use within a strong gravitational field. + ―ShamusTheClown, Sep 2014 +% +Today, Hannah Montana would be Miley Cyrus' mild-mannered alter ego. + ―Redmonkey292, Sep 2015 +% +I prefer random Redditors to facebook friends I know. + ―Famixofpower, Jun 2016 +% +What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it? + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts, Mr Alien + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +I live alone with a cat. The most used word in my home is probably "meow". + ―-Xtopher-, Feb 2016 +% +In the DC Universe, there are probably a lot of authentic batarangs being sold +on eBay. + ―TheDivided, May 2016 +% +"Hair" refers to a whole head of hair, while "hairs" refer to just a few +individual hairs. "Hairs" is a plural that actually means LESS than its +singular form! + ―gmsc, Jul 2013 +% +I live in a society where it's socially acceptable to say "I'm so hungry I +could eat a horse", but it's not actually socially acceptable to eat a horse. + ―Serendippity18, Oct 2014 +% +"Dumpling" sounds like what you would call a tiny shit + ―Cr0w33, Oct 2015 +% +As a man, the less attracted I am to a woman I'm having sex with, the longer I +last with her and the more I'm able to please her. + ―SnowGryphon, Jan 2016 +% +Only people that are organ donors should be allowed to receive organs in the +event that they need one. That would be the most fair way, and more people +would agree to be the organ donor. + ―okiedokiereddit, Mar 2015 +% +If a three year old says ELI5, he's just being cocky. + ―dunaan, Dec 2014 +% +Gagging during a blowjob is really a romantic sound, think about it. Someone +is choosing your dick over the oxygen they need to survive, that really warms +my heart. + ―p3riod, Jan 2015 +% +Band aid packages should be engineered to be opened with one hand as in most +cases you will only have one hand free + ―5T0H3L1T, Aug 2015 +% +If cannibalism was socially accepted, saying "I'm in the mood for Chinese" +would have a completely different meaning. + ―fuathan, Dec 2015 +% +I'm permanently logged in to facebook, gmail &c. because I know I'm the +only one who uses my computer, but I still watch porn in incognito mode in +case someone goes on my computer and looks at my browser history. + ―TheCatcherOfThePie, Feb 2016 +% +If the world just built an island exclusively to host the Olympics it would be +safer, more cost effective, and totally bad ass. + ―3partharold, Aug 2016 +% +0 AD was just over 2000 years ago. That's only about 30 modern lifetimes laid +back-to-back. + ―eigenpants, Dec 2013 +% +Sometimes when im naked infront of the mirror i think to myself... I've jerked +that guy off. + ―BrucePee, Mar 2015 +% +Religious wars are basically extreme versions of comic fanboys fighting over +which fictional superhero is stronger + ―WrexEverything, May 2015 +% +The letters in the alphabet after O and P are just O and P but with their +dicks out + ―[deleted], Aug 2015 +% +There is a whole number that exists so large that just to speak it would take +you your entire lifetime. + ―mrhickey, Jun 2016 +% +At one point in my life I shifted from using my weekdays to recover from my +weekend to using my weekend to recover from my week. + ―smileedude, Jul 2016 +% +A lot of innocent chefs in Medieval times must have been executed because the +King's food taster had allergies, which they wouldn't have understood. + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +It takes 2 seconds to pick up a penny. That's technically $18 an hour. More +than I make at work. + ―gohamstergo, Jan 2015 +% +I've started letting spiders live so they can kill the bugs in my house, and +now I'm leaving bugs alone so my spiders have something to eat. + ―overly-dull, Aug 2016 +% +There are 1.2 billion cars on the road right now. One of our biggest goals is +to keep them from touching. + ―bikerdudend, Jul 2016 +% +We admire hair when its on someone's head but the second it is no longer +attached to the head it becomes gross. + ―blueandred98cole, Aug 2016 +% +I've literally broken enough minor laws that if fully punished I would spend +the rest of my life in jail, but I've never even been arrested. + ―Kevlar___, Sep 2016 +% +If I lost at Russian Roulette I wouldn't even know + ―golfwang86, Jul 2014 +% +Mark Hamill plays The Joker, who is in Arkham, and "Arkham" is also in Mark +Hamill, the Joker. (M-Arkham-ill) + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +If our buttcracks were horizontal they'd clap when we climbed stairs. + ―nobedtime12, Sep 2016 +% +what if radiation in space was designed so human's can't explore? Like in a +video game when you are outside the map you die? + ―surfe, Aug 2014 +% +Nip slips would be a lot better if they were called peek-a-boobs + ―usnij, Oct 2014 +% +Cats were the first animal to dominate the internet because everyone with dogs +were outside playing with them + ―StarburstGirl, Jul 2015 +% +When self driving cars become popular, drunk driving could mean waking up in a +completely different city or even country because you drunkenly told your car +to take you somewhere. + ―ZanderDogz, Oct 2015 +% +If marijuana and prostitution both become legal across the US, I could open a +combination fueling station, brothel, and dispensary called "The Gas, Ass, and +Grass Station". + ―izolalozi, Dec 2015 +% +If I was a Gotham socialite I would have long since stopped going to benefits +and fundraisers out of fear of being gassed, frozen, or tied up. + ―victory_screech, Jun 2016 +% +As marijuana is legalized, someone is going to be the last person jailed for +selling pot. + ―dsyzdek, Mar 2015 +% +Neil A. backwards is "Alien", and he was the first human alien on another +celestial body... + ―madmacaw, May 2016 +% +On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes +to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally + ―nhooyr, Sep 2016 +% +The surface of the Moon resembles the front yard of a redneck; complete with +an old car, random junk and an American flag + ―cujo8400, Oct 2016 +% +Lorde should dress up as Randy Marsh for Halloween, then post a picture on +Instagram saying she decided to not wear a costume and dress casual for the +night. + ―trelobrandi3, Oct 2016 +% +Technically, Everything on Reddit is NSFW as you probably shouldn't be on +Reddit at Work. + ―matthewgoodi5, Sep 2015 +% +As a kid I hated my common, boring name. Today, I love that no one can Google +me. + ―Chiliad2, Sep 2015 +% +Disney/Pixar movies about animals always increase sales of those breeds. They +should research the most difficult breeds for shelters to re-home and make a +movie about them. + ―Hyro0o0, Jan 2016 +% +It's all fun and games until your younger sibling starts crying within earshot +of your parents + ―colbsauce, Sep 2016 +% +Aren't all galaxies 'far far' away? + ―Killybug, Dec 2014 +% +The trees cut down to make Jenga blocks are repeatedly forced to relive their +own death. + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +We take it for granted, but a single Dorito contains more Extreme Nacho flavor +than a fifteenth-century peasant would experience in an entire lifetime. + ―robneptune, Jun 2016 +% +YouTube should have an audio-only mode for listening to music on data-capped +connections. + ―RamjacInc, Sep 2016 +% +The chance to be the first murderer on mars is still open. + ―Invicta_Game, Mar 2015 +% +Girls wear makeup to look older. Women wear makeup to look younger. + ―morfean, Sep 2015 +% +Diabetes sounds like the name of a mythological Greek hero. + ―clockrunner, Jan 2016 +% +Showerthoughts are caused by not having contact with any electronics, books, +or people for ~30 minutes. + ―dip-shit, Jul 2013 +% +all flashlights should have a glow-in-the-dark band on them so you can find +them when you need a flashlight + ―Chase_Walker, Jun 2016 +% +When marijuana is legal people will say 4/20 is just another commercialized +holiday. + ―jhonroot, Jun 2016 +% +"Textbook" is a pretty meaningless way to differentiate a type of book. + ―DietOfTheMind, Oct 2016 +% +There are millions and millions of websites out there, and I think I use about +six of them + ―popdisaster00, Apr 2015 +% +Thieves should carry handheld vacuums to scare away guard dogs + ―WilliamHTaft, Jun 2016 +% +Fire trucks are actually water trucks. + ―me_suds, Aug 2015 +% +Authors probably don't even intend half of the symbolism and "deeper meaning" +that you have to find in literature classes + ―sherry497, Oct 2016 +% +Reddit and 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' should have the same slogan: "Where +everything is made up and the points don't matter" + ―Zach_Morris_Phone, Mar 2015 +% +100 years from now, 'doing the robot' will have an entirely different meaning. + ―TheGilberator, Oct 2015 +% +Walter White did a better job of getting rid of drug dealers than Hank. + ―Horseome, Dec 2015 +% +If Will Smith wins an Oscar next year people will say it's because his wife +protested. If he doesn't win an Oscar people will say it's because his wife +protested. Either way he will never again receive full credit for his acting. + ―LostSoulNAFishBowl, Mar 2016 +% +My Xbox Live gamertag is older than some of the people I play with over Xbox +Live. + ―gmurz, Jun 2016 +% +Netflix should have a binge watching option that skips the intro if you're +intent on spending a weekend watching every single episode of Doctor Who. + ―Naa2078, Oct 2014 +% +Google should mess with us by always making the link to the déjà vu Wikipedia +page purple + ―SUFC1889, Mar 2015 +% +Saying "um" is the human equivalent to buffering. + ―xTheRedKnightx, Mar 2015 +% +There should be a dating site called netflix and chill, and people are only +matched by how similar their netflix accounts are. + ―sbaker93, Oct 2015 +% +If I had the same mental clarity as I do at night all day long, I would be a +very successful person + ―somemadkid, Apr 2016 +% +They should call the big boxes of condoms the ANTI-Family pack. + ―justiceT, Aug 2014 +% +How did a guy with a name like 'Magic Johnson' wind up an athlete and not a +porn star? + ―[deleted], Jan 2014 +% +"You can say that again!" and "You don't have to tell me twice!" are opposites +but mean the same thing. + ―Phantom_Gamer7, Mar 2016 +% +Apple sauce is just baby food that is socially acceptable for everyone to eat + ―ConGargan, Mar 2014 +% +Millions of people who used Ashley Madison are angry right now that their +trust was betrayed + ―callddit, Aug 2015 +% +If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes. + ―Searchlights, Sep 2015 +% +What if the asteroid that hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs was a UFO +.. and we're the aliens + ―ashleymc, Mar 2013 +% +If Hillary Clinton becomes president, she'll sit at the same desk Bill sat +while he and Monica Lewinsky had an affair. + ―PM_Tits_For_FunFacts, May 2015 +% +"If you resolve to give up bacon, you don't actually live longer; it just +seems longer." + ―siscri, Oct 2015 +% +Girls always say they appreciate the little things in life, until you whip out +your little penis. + ―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016 +% +A good slogan for a condom company would be "come prepared" + ―thatsnomoon87, May 2014 +% +Maybe a hot chocolate wants to be called beautiful chocolate just one time. + ―BundyWA, Dec 2014 +% +Buying a new computer online is like making your current one dig its own +grave. + ―OneThatsUnknown, Apr 2015 +% +A robot we put on Mars can send high resolution images back to earth but I +can't get cell service in the mountains. + ―haydenantal, Oct 2016 +% +Websites should have a "Before you reset your password, here are the stupid +rules we required in the first place" option. + ―0xyidiot, Sep 2016 +% +Every orifice on a donkey is an asshole. + ―RedditFirstWorkLater, Jun 2015 +% +"If its not an iPhone, it's not an iPhone." is a great slogan for Android too. + ―TitanicMan, Aug 2015 +% +One of the biggest compliments a cook at home can get is "wow tastes like a +restaurant"; one of the biggest compliments a restaurant chef can get is "wow +tastes like home cooking". + ―evilpeter, Mar 2016 +% +God is the most AFK admin ever + ―[deleted], Jun 2014 +% +The only thing pennies are useful for is to prevent me from getting more +pennies. + ―Da___Michael, Apr 2015 +% +There's probably a Shiba-Inu dog owner somewhere, who's never been on the +internet and wonders why strangers point and speak like total idiots whenever +he walks it. + ―connorb93, Apr 2015 +% +Breaking Bad was an epic PSA urging us to pay educators more. + ―NervousSwagger, Mar 2016 +% +ADDING "man" to "I love you" actually makes it LESS gay. + ―Tevenan, Jun 2016 +% +When I was a kid, everyone wanted to be a video game tester. Now that +companies just release broken games and fix them, we all got what we wished +for. + ―Drew1231, Sep 2016 +% +Because the internet wasn't around when I was in highschool. Going to a class +reunion is pretty much facing 90% of the girls face to face that I masturbated +to as a teenager. + ―roostertail420, Oct 2016 +% +Smartphones should have an option to deactivate the swipe feature when showing +someone a picture. + ―JOEY2X, Jan 2015 +% +I have never heard a woman narrate a movie trailer. + ―Williamjameis, Oct 2016 +% +We pay money to wear advertisements for a clothing company + ―_briann, Jan 2014 +% +As a cook everything I make turns to shit + ―revivethecolour, Jun 2015 +% +Extremely glad that YouTube was not popular when I was a child. I would've +absolutely made some cringey, terrible shit. + ―GrandNightmare, Jul 2016 +% +If I die in my sleep people will say "at least he died doing something he +loved". + ―badlydrunkboy, Aug 2016 +% +We will be the last generation to have witnessed life without the Internet. + ―anantzoid, Sep 2016 +% +Bras are actual booby traps. + ―mindfuckdoctor, Aug 2014 +% +There are 80 million posts submitted to reddit per year, everyday 150 posts +get to frontpage. So my chance of getting this post to frontpage is about +0.07% + ―314314314, Apr 2016 +% +As a kid I would have loved to have $100 in my bank account. Now as an adult I +get scared when I have $100 in my bank account. + ―bravesfan13, Jul 2016 +% +When you say "forward" or "back" your lips move in that direction. + ―brevixen, Jul 2016 +% +It's easier to make friends when you're a kid because you don't have any +interests yet, so you and your friends develop interests together and bond +over them. When you're an adult, you need to find people who share your +already-established interests, which is extremely difficult. + ―prezuiwf, Sep 2013 +% +Every time I hear someone talk to their dog in a foreign language, my first +thought is always, "That dog can't understand you, lady." + ―grouch1980, Jan 2016 +% +The person who programed the timer in automatic faucets should re-learn how to +wash their hands. + ―NotChasetipher, Aug 2016 +% +I can't wait till it's the future and the kid that got into the Harambe pit +does an AMA + ―coscorrodrift, Aug 2016 +% +Annoying pop-ups that ask me to turn off adblock never succeeded. Instead they +just make me stop using the site. + ―IMplyingSC2, Jul 2016 +% +When you drink alcohol, both you and the alcohol get drunk. + ―see_mohn, Apr 2015 +% +Elizabeth has to be the most versatile Western name. You can go by Elle, +Ellie, Liz, Lizzie, Liza, Lisa, Libby, Beth, Betty, or Betsy. + ―well-lighted, Dec 2015 +% +Harry Potter fans who have only seen the movies have no idea who Peeves is. + ―DamienHanrahan, Nov 2014 +% +It's quite possible that in an alternate dimension people are mysteriously +gaining an additional sock or two every time they dry their laundry. + ―[deleted], Nov 2015 +% +The sounds of nature that we enjoy when we're outdoors is basically every +organism out there screaming "A/S/L?!" + ―CQReborn, May 2016 +% +At one point in my life, I was exactly pi years old. + ―Sousaphoney, Jun 2015 +% +When I die I want to be buried at a fat camp so if I become a zombie I can +catch a slow meal. + ―germattack3, Jun 2015 +% +I've probably masturbated more times than I've been told to go fuck myself. + ―ItsOver420, Jul 2015 +% +There should be a show called Finding People Finding Bigfoot. The premise of +the show would be to dress up as Bigfoot and walk around the woods trying to +get the investigators from the other show to find you. + ―RockLikeWar, Sep 2015 +% +What if Kanye is naming his album Waves because he actually is a Gay Fish + ―captainamericaa, Jan 2016 +% +If you're good at golf, I just assume you've had a very privileged life. + ―weaksquare, Jun 2016 +% +Tooth brushing = skeleton polishing + ―calisuper, Mar 2015 +% +Google is the place you go when you have a question. Reddit is where you go to +find the questions you would never have ever thought to ask. + ―Coltrainz, Aug 2016 +% +Most of people we see in real life are dressed and most of animals are +naked. But in the Internet most of people are naked and most of animals are +dressed. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +Pollen is essentially plant sperm. Therefore, this makes hay fever an +STD. Since no one voluntarily takes in pollen, I've concluded that we're all +getting raped by trees. + ―clusterfuck_of_frogs, Jun 2015 +% +Netflix should come out with an "offline queue" where you can download one +movie at a time to your device to watch offline during car and plane rides. + ―nickynicholson, Nov 2014 +% +We now have hundreds of emojis, but I still cannot underline, bold, or +italicize in a text message. + ―blessedhellfire, Feb 2016 +% +I can't submit anything on reddit because most subreddits want a minimum +amount of karma. I can't get any karma because I'm not allowed to submit +anything. This feels just like applying for jobs that demand work experience +after studying ... + ―troxlr, Sep 2016 +% +Punishing students who skip school with suspension makes no sense + ―willy_glove, Oct 2016 +% +Everybody is actually just a naked person in disguise. + ―cottonheadedninnymug, Jul 2013 +% +All worms are Earth worms. + ―tenhou, Jun 2015 +% +People who buy the iPhone 7 won't be able to catch it mid-air when they drop +it by holding the earphones cable. + ―jukeRICE, Sep 2016 +% +If Google Street View archived its data by year, then imagine using VR to walk +through a 50-200+ year old version of NYC in the distant future. + ―srgtbear, Oct 2016 +% +There should be a "blown out candle" scented candle. + ―ZAGD, Dec 2014 +% +sex and extreme sports are actually quite similar: you come dangerously close +to changing the world's population count by 1. + ―scibot9000, Aug 2015 +% +HowToBasic should make an April Fools video where he cooks something +correctly. + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +In my humble opinion, every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it travels +through a multidimensional portal and comes back as an extra Tupperware lid in +my cabinet. + ―InnerGod357, Oct 2016 +% +Time could be freezing for billions of years every five minutes and we would +have no idea. + ―iSuckAtCreativity, Mar 2015 +% +People use "like a boss" to signify something done well, but all the bosses +I've worked for have been idiots. + ―delanger, Sep 2015 +% +"Netflix and chill" is now as annoying as "Keep calm and carry on" + ―Pushmonk, Oct 2015 +% +Turning 20 means I have now beaten teen pregnancy. + ―riuseche, Nov 2015 +% +What if every time we blinked we took a photo and when we died we good go back +through our own personal photo gallery + ―Wotscot, Dec 2014 +% +Posting on Reddit is a lot like having a conversation with my Father. No +matter how good an idea it is, something will always be found wrong with it. + ―danholden4006, Dec 2014 +% +Dribbling a ball is passing to your future self + ―LaborDaze, Jun 2015 +% +There's probably more praying going on in a casino than in a church. + ―Meiven, Oct 2016 +% +For the next "Dirty Jobs", Mike Rowe should try being a senator. + ―clockrunner, Feb 2015 +% +About 30 years ago, President Nixon was almost impeached for wire tapping one +building. Today, the U.S. Government (including the President) can record data +from all our phones + ―Musicaltheaterguy, May 2015 +% +The Westboro Baptist Church should start protesting marijuana now so that it +will become legal, too. + ―can_a_bus, Jun 2015 +% +Whether you're going the speed limit, under the speed limit or over the speed +limit, someone is going to be irritated with you. + ―HuskyBowner, Jun 2016 +% +If 666 is the mark of the beast then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil + ―Phoxner, Oct 2016 +% +Instead of calling it a getaway car, we should call it a "fleehicle". + ―My_Anus_Is_Bleating, May 2014 +% +When you pass roadside memorials on the highway, it's kinda like you're +beating their highscore. + ―Gundament, Jun 2015 +% +Showerthoughts is almost exactly what I hoped Twitter was going to be, but now +Twitter has turned into what I imagine spam mail is like. + ―InsideOutOstrich, Sep 2015 +% +I've never seen a man complain about a lack of plus sized male models. + ―R33MZ, Mar 2016 +% +Only when reddit is down do I realize the only website I use is reddit + ―Interstage, Aug 2016 +% +For decades parents told their children to empty their plates so that the sun +will shine. Today we have fat kids and global warming. + ―MasterPerry, Sep 2015 +% +Showerthoughts was someones showerthought + ―Storpeedo2, Oct 2015 +% +In porn video they have shitty music, in music videos they have shitty porn + ―Moogythecow, Oct 2015 +% +I would rather risk buying an exploding Samsung phone than an iPhone without a +headphone Jack + ―muff_cabbag3, Sep 2016 +% +You should be able to downvote google links that were completely worthless or +spammy + ―read_harder, Apr 2015 +% +The best way to be passive aggressive is to order a "worst trophy shop" trophy +from a trophy shop and never pick it up + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +In 2020, it's going to be 4/20 for a whole month + ―basachr, Jan 2016 +% +If Amazon sold a suicide machine, it would only have negative feedback + ―FartPoopRobot_PhD, Feb 2016 +% +Every time I hear the word "dictator", I think "penis potato" + ―daddydomino, Feb 2016 +% +In chess, the Queen is the hero and the King is the damsel in distress. + ―bad_buoys, Mar 2016 +% +In 2016 it takes 28 minutes for me to hear about and be semi clear on details +of military uprising half way around the world. + ―m3s3dup, Jul 2016 +% +People born in 2016 will probably be alive to see the year 3000 + ―helpmeimobama, Aug 2016 +% +I still find driving crazy. We trust complete strangers going 50 miles per +hour driving 3000 pound machines not to hit us, with the only thing separating +us is yellow paint on the road. + ―kaypmger, Jul 2015 +% +I used to think I could control ducks with my mind. But then I realized that +ducks and I have very similar ideas about what ducks should do. + ―trillstarrmafia, Mar 2016 +% +Imagine being deaf and finding out that farts make noise + ―baconandeggs17, Dec 2015 +% +If you time-travelled to the future, you'd probably die of one of the future +contagions that you have no immunity to. + ―Pro_Quote_Maker, Mar 2016 +% +The space between "girlfriend" and "girl friend" can be called the friend +zone. + ―AtrociousVirtuoso, Feb 2014 +% +The No. 1 movie at the box office on Martin Luther King Day weekend is a movie +about a sniper. + ―ukiyo1, Jan 2015 +% +The opposite of /r/mildlyinteresting should be wildlyinteresting instead of +/r/interestingasfuck + ―internetcapo, May 2015 +% +Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because other people have it worse than +them would be like telling them they shouldn't be happy because other people +have it better than them. + ―phototactic, Dec 2015 +% +The person who prays for God to change things thinks God has arranged matters +wrong, and also thinks they can instruct God on how they should be put right. + ―petermal67, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder how many people who "fucking love science" on Facebook, fucking +dreaded it in middle school + ―jan10004, Jan 2015 +% +If a serial killer in pursuit of a running victim started yelling "It's a +prank" they would probably catch them. + ―stops_puns_with_ass, Mar 2015 +% +Hooters restaurant should introduce options for drink sizes: A Cup, B Cup, C +Cup... + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +Tomorrow at 8:25pm and 30 seconds, it will be 5/10/15 20:25:30 + ―orangejuice456, May 2015 +% +I have visited Imgur countless times, yet never once have I purposefully gone +to imgur.com for the sake of Imgur. + ―cynicalGamzee, Jul 2015 +% +There's probably a number between 1 and 1,000 that I've never said before. + ―drain65, Sep 2015 +% +If I have twins, I would name them Leon and Noel. + ―maxxxout, May 2016 +% +16 year olds are winning Olympic golds, and I'm still here asking my mom how +long I should microwave my food for + ―CarrotSurvivor, Aug 2016 +% +A calendar doesn't actually tell you what day it is. It just gives you a list +of options to choose from. + ―glitterphobia, Oct 2016 +% +What idiot put an ‘s’ in the word lisp + ―RevivedBear, Oct 2016 +% +LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say". + ―tripstyle, Oct 2016 +% +Death is your last first experience. + ―ashman_cometh, Oct 2014 +% +Avogadro makes mole. Avocados make guacamole. + ―blore40, Oct 2014 +% +If cigarette taxes are to stop people from smoking, doesn't that mean income +taxes are to stop people from working? + ―SamsterOverdrive, Feb 2016 +% +Most of the people that are mad at Colin Kaepernick for not standing during +the national anthem are sitting at home on the couch during the anthem + ―Lopermania, Sep 2016 +% +If there was an alien race whose morality is inverted (our good is their bad) +and we ever make contact we'd try to be nice to them but they'll get pissed +off and react to our behavior, but we will just think they're being nice too. + ―ianelinon, Nov 2014 +% +When I was younger, spending $20 on DVD's and eating from the dollar menu was +a regular occurrence. Now, I spend $20 making dinner and rent movies for a +dollar. + ―MethodMikey, Feb 2016 +% +Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some +asshole. + ―currykid82, Aug 2016 +% +If I got poo on any other part of my body, using tissue paper to wipe it off +would be nowhere near enough + ―Parkingisnotfine, May 2015 +% +I had this revelation today: I can tell when my husband is taking a shit when +he mass - likes my posts on facebook. + ―elegaphant, Jul 2015 +% +My Garbage Disposal eats better than 98% of the world. + ―_Maui_, Jan 2016 +% +Wu-Tang Clan should release "Once Upon A Time In Shaolin" for free, making +Martin Shkreli the one person who paid millions of dollars for something that +everyone else got for free. + ―DukeFlapjack, Jan 2016 +% +Women are born with all the eggs they'll ever have. So though I was born in +the 1980s, I've existed since the 1950s. + ―grasshopper_jo, Jan 2016 +% +The speed of light exists because that's the maximum speed this simulation can +buffer environments for rendering and collision detection. + ―GloryBeing, Dec 2014 +% +If the average penis size is 5.5 inches and there are about 3 billion men on +Earth, then we have enough penis to get to the Moon. + ―ReadMyNips, May 2015 +% +There should be an emergency pin code for your bank account that gives out +money but also notifies the police + ―toughguy4x4, Oct 2015 +% +Being good because Santa Claus is coming to town is the opposite of being good +for goodness' sake. + ―banditthehorse, Dec 2015 +% +Snapchat should have a NSFW or a "do not open around other people" indication +box option when sending snaps. + ―ku_srob, Jun 2016 +% +American society thinks its perfectly acceptable for an 18 year old to make +money getting gang-banged in a porn, but that same 18 year old is not mentally +ready to legally buy and drink a glass of wine. + ―Wahdahsah, Aug 2016 +% +On the internet, You are male until proven female. + ―MrDoctorDostoyevsky, Jun 2014 +% +Helen Keller would have probably been completely immune to flash-bang +grenades. + ―ShigglyB00, Jun 2014 +% +Why doesn't a liquor brand use the saying "you miss 100% of the shots you +don't take"? + ―[deleted], Jul 2014 +% +Up voting something that has already made it to the front page is like giving +Bill gates a dollar. + ―Array2912, Aug 2014 +% +Saying "I've loved you since our first date" is way less creepy than saying "I +love you" on the first date. + ―djliquidvoid, Oct 2016 +% +If you break a pencil, you have two pencils. If you break a pen, you have zero +pens. + ―TitanicMan, Feb 2015 +% +I wonder how many times I ate eggs that came from a chicken I ate + ―tonito23, May 2014 +% +Having random boners as a teenager is like having a Pokemon that is too high +of a level to control. + ―Azntigerlion, Oct 2014 +% +"Pay to win" gaming isn't new. In the 80s it was called "Insert coin(s) to +continue" + ―phaseMonkey, Sep 2015 +% +The words "similar" and "same" are similar, but not the same. + ―fksf, Jul 2016 +% +"Walt Disney's Frozen" is both a movie and a fact. + ―partywiththecaptain, Sep 2014 +% +Lucky rabbit's feet come from unlucky rabbits. + ―nomecks, Jan 2015 +% +What if we only love our parents because of Stockholm Syndrome? + ―austinbond132, Nov 2015 +% +You kill time until time kills you + ―MrEdman4, Dec 2015 +% +In sci-fi, future people eat bland, colorless paste containing all necessary +nutrients. In reality, we eat brightly colored foods with intense flavors and +no nutrition. + ―racornist, Dec 2015 +% +When my wife's parents encourage us to have children, they're really just +telling me to bareback and creampie her more often. + ―butihardlyknowher, Apr 2016 +% +Imagine if aliens actually visited earth, but during the jurrasic era, saw a +t-rex and just noped their way out of here. + ―JouwPF, Aug 2016 +% +Reddit can rename the "share" button to "spreddit", "delete" button to +"shreddit" and karma to "creddit". Yet it has not. I don't geddit. + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +If 72 virgins is the reward for blowing yourself in a crowd of innocent +people, someone should start a peaceful religion that awards 73 virgins for +just being cool. + ―holeeefuwk, Aug 2016 +% +A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber. + ―sproso, Dec 2013 +% +Saying "a ton of fat people" could just mean "several fat people". + ―IvyMichael, Sep 2014 +% +I never realized I farted so much till I started dating. + ―FloopyDoopy, Jan 2016 +% +When I Google an average word to be sure of its precise definition before +posting on the internet, I wonder if the CIA thinks, "this guy is a real +simpleton". + ―pondini, Mar 2016 +% +A dildo can also be called a selfie stick. + ―Brain_Beam, Oct 2015 +% +I have never told person 2 that person 1 said hello. + ―High_as_red, Mar 2016 +% +There are probably epic space battles happening right now somewhere. + ―tatersmith7, Apr 2016 +% +When I'm driving, I hate pedestrians. When I'm a pedestrian, I hate cars. But +no matter what I'm doing, I hate bicyclists. + ―ElegantElephant42, Sep 2016 +% +All Movie Spoilers are Tagged NSFW because Reddit doesn't have a Spoiler +Tag. It makes /r/Starwars looks like a Porn Sub-Reddit + ―jasonskjonsby, Dec 2015 +% +There should be a hair salon for introverts where all the stylists are +comfortable with silence. + ―Colinmacus, Sep 2015 +% +There should be an express line in coffee shops for those of us that only want +coffee so we don't have to wait for all the ridiculous "fancy" drinks to be +made + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +As a child, I was always afraid of teenagers. As a teenager, I was afraid of +other teenagers. As someone who has graduated high school, I am still afraid +of teenagers. Teenagers will never not be scary. + ―calmurself, Jan 2016 +% +The most unbelievable thing about Zombie movies/shows isn't the dead people +coming back to life. It's the fact that nobody seems to have heard of zombies +before. + ―Ragnar---Lothbrok, May 2016 +% +Asking a quiet person why they're being so quiet is the equivalent of telling +angry person to calm down + ―pikindaguy, Jul 2016 +% +What if I'm already dead and heaven exists but my idea of paradise is to +remain in the real world so I never even knew I had died? + ―releasethegeese, Feb 2015 +% +Every bag of chips is Family Size if you're an orphan. + ―TheLeviathan82, Aug 2016 +% +Reddit is like the fridge: you keep checking back until your standards drop +low enough to just take what's there. + ―HolmatKingOfStorms, Sep 2016 +% +CzechsMix would be a great domain name for a Czechoslovakian dating website. + ―[deleted], Feb 2014 +% +I would probably take better much care of my body if I had implanted sensors +giving me live feedback of my body's vital stats and I could earn points and +achievements for improving things. + ―ZombieAlpacaLips, Mar 2015 +% +What would happen if Alex Trebek did an AMA and everyone gave him answers and +he responded with questions. + ―purpledesperado, Jan 2015 +% +Does my dog think i'm a hypocrite because I poo in the house? + ―skywisefahr, Jun 2015 +% +Some memes are older than the kids browsing them + ―Magnatross, Apr 2016 +% +"I'm brutally honest" and "I have no filter" are polite ways of saying "I'm an +asshole". + ―phizzman, Jun 2016 +% +If I was one of the first astronauts on Mars I would pat Curiosity rover on +the head like a good dog. + ―RPHoogle, Jul 2014 +% +Nirvana lyrics: 'I feel stupid, and contagious', should be the anthem for the +antivaccine movement. + ―hulksmashokayiwill, Apr 2015 +% +I think we can all agree that Neil Armstrong, the first person to walk on the +Moon, was not a werewolf. + ―phish_tacos, Sep 2015 +% +Because of muscle memory, I think I would forget some passwords if I lost my +hands. + ―RubberSword, Apr 2015 +% +The Toys-R-Us mascot shouldn't be a giraffe, it should be a dinosaur, the +"Toy-saurus." + ―thedudley, Nov 2015 +% +I might have ejaculated a genius. + ―chameleonito, Aug 2013 +% +You never really appreciate an unblocked nose until you have a blocked nose. + ―babyrobotman, May 2015 +% +What if every Marvel movie has Ant-Man as a cameo, but we just don't know it + ―nuckingfuts73, Jul 2015 +% +The phrase "hanging up the phone" has lost its significance. + ―this_raccoon, Jul 2013 +% +The opportunity to take my car to get washed by a bunch of bikini clad college +girls seemed to be a lot more promising when I was a kid in the 80s. + ―se7enx, Aug 2016 +% +I get oddly stressed when I see someone post a screen shot and their phone's +battery is low. + ―amee_saurus, May 2016 +% +It's kinda misleading that the Xbox logo is an X in a circle + ―Nitraus, Oct 2016 +% +Telling a depressed person to just cheer up is like telling a drunk person to +act sober + ―pikindaguy, Jul 2015 +% +If Kanye West becomes president, it will be the first time in history that +millions of people have seen the First Lady's nudes. + ―sacala, Sep 2015 +% +The longest time most of us spend without masturbating starts when we're born +and ends when we masturbate for the first time + ―deus_bacchus, Mar 2016 +% +I should get out soon or I will be late for work. + ―officialimguraffe, Dec 2013 +% +Bats must be like angels to rats + ―Suck-My-Crumpet, Sep 2014 +% +This subreddit would be way more popular if we all had waterproof phones. + ―ParadoxianKings, Nov 2015 +% +The "B" in Butt looks like a Butt whilst the "P" in Penis looks like a penis +whilst the "V" in vagina looks like a vagina. + ―Storm_sprite, Sep 2014 +% +We're quickly moving towards a society where both work and leisure consist of +staring at a screen. + ―AndoCalrissian3, Jul 2015 +% +Cats have no fucking idea they're on the Internet. + ―SheepDip66, Jan 2016 +% +Plagiarism is when you get in trouble for something you didn't even do. + ―Thenick92, Sep 2014 +% +Mobile Porn sites should make all buttons big enough to click with your nose. + ―cd4life, Sep 2015 +% +I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday. + ―the_dying_punk, Mar 2016 +% +If you skydive and your parachute doesn't open, you have the rest of your life +to open it. + ―phlenis, May 2016 +% +In a few years, French Uber drivers will be throwing rocks at self-driving +cars. + ―Philipp, Jun 2015 +% +"As a 62 year old seventh grade teacher, this year, I will not be teaching a +student born in the same century as me. " + ―NotBrendan, Jul 2015 +% +If I spent my Reddit time reading something useful instead, I could probably +be an expert in something genuinely beneficial to my life by now. + ―htid85, Mar 2016 +% +I'm old enough to remember when the internet did not have ads + ―Otalgia, Jun 2016 +% +The the statement "I'm stronger than guys half my age" isn't really very +impressive until you hit 40. + ―zvika, Jun 2016 +% +My brain likes to refer to itself in 3rd person. + ―_HEY_EARL_, Dec 2015 +% +April 1st would be the worst day for a zombie outbreak to begin + ―arron77, Apr 2015 +% +If last names were thought up today, boobsmith would be a good name for +plastic surgeons. + ―juanlucio, Sep 2015 +% +The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people +who are already at a ballgame. + ―danshapiro, Feb 2016 +% +It's called your "chest" because it holds your vital organs inside + ―FrodoSwagginz, Jun 2013 +% +I've woken up over 8.000 times in my life and I still suck at it + ―canoodle_me, Jul 2015 +% +The human body is the worst kind of hoarder. It keeps saving fat cells +"because it might need them someday". + ―Mumblix_Grumph, Aug 2015 +% +We don't pronounce the "k" in knowledge until we acknowledge it. + ―Anon0mousse, Nov 2015 +% +Chuck E Cheese is a casino for children + ―jamiegandolf, Jan 2016 +% +Blind people dont need to buy light bulbs + ―ASK_ME_IF_IM_A_DOOR, Nov 2013 +% +Father's Day is really Motherfucker's Day + ―RobotsonRockets, Jun 2014 +% +Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos +taken? + ―pdmsmembrane, Apr 2015 +% +Tap dancers probably look at floors every so often and think "I'd tap that" +and then chuckle to themselves. + ―DangerousTides, Feb 2014 +% +If you told me in 2005 that in ten years, the NSA would monitoring all +electronic communications, the police would be militarized and have "black +sites," and companies would be spying on you in your own home, I'd have made +you a tin foil hat. + ―agentdarko, Feb 2015 +% +For a sociopath, life is a single player game, for everyone else it is an MMO + ―brain_emesis, Oct 2015 +% +A lot of gunfights could have been prevented if they'd only made Old West +towns bigger. + ―nathanknaack, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder what the people that were born on the same day at the same hospital +as I was, my nursery room buddies, are doing with their lives now. + ―iAmTheRealLange, Jul 2015 +% +Dickbutt is another term for cocktail + ―CharismaticStallion5, Aug 2016 +% +I've practiced way more conversations in my head than I will ever actually +have in life + ―Todd_Popalopolous, Oct 2016 +% +The only way a minor can prove that they're responsible enough to be treated +like a legal adult is to commit a serious crime. + ―PinkSlip_YoureFired, May 2015 +% +A first person Pac Man would have been scary: wandering around a pitch black +maze, running away from ghosts, while having no clue where they would be + ―TheSlyGuy1, Jun 2015 +% +Spiders are the only type of web developers that are happy to find bugs. + ―B00ker_DeWitt, Mar 2016 +% +A lot of people have a problem thinking humans evolved from apes, yet have no +problem accepting that pugs and chihuahuas descended from wolves. + ―Petal_Phile, Sep 2016 +% +I hope that if Monica Lewinsky ever writes a memoir, she calls it "A Hard Bill +to Swallow". + ―ballou0254, May 2014 +% +If a bra can be called an "Over the shoulder boulder holder", can underpants +be called an "under the butt nut hut"? + ―Mark_JT84, Sep 2014 +% +If I ever have my life flash before my eyes I will have to watch myself +masturbate thousands of times + ―Honestly_Rude, Jun 2015 +% +There are more human nipples in the world than there are people. + ―whores_in_my_head, Jun 2013 +% +Websites should tell you their password requirements when you forget your +password. + ―Wrackle, May 2015 +% +All cops should have body cams with a button that they are told shuts off +recording. But it doesn't do anything. + ―BACK_BURNER, Aug 2015 +% +If you hear a sniper's gunshot, you're not the target. + ―rayjenningz, May 2016 +% +Do twins even realize one of them was unplanned + ―MrTuxedoMan, May 2016 +% +My life is composed of a lot of hours that I wish would hurry up, just to get +to a couple hours that I wish would last way longer. + ―ehmanduh, Jul 2013 +% +Even as an atheist, when I hear "he/she is in a better place" I still find +myself agreeing. + ―Ismellyourlightsaber, Sep 2016 +% +‘Respect your elders’ makes no sense. I don’t care if you’re 5, 15 or 50, +everyone deserves respect until they continue to act in ways that doesn’t +command it. Then, respect has to be earned back. + ―thinkingoutloudest, Sep 2016 +% +Growing up in a house of 7, 5 of them women, I never cared which way the +toilet paper was facing, I just wanted there to be toilet paper + ―mkejdo, Sep 2016 +% +I think a good response to "you don't take criticism well" is "You're probably +right, thanks for the feedback." + ―tenebris_spiritus, Sep 2016 +% +All skiing is water skiing. + ―Oiyeahna, May 2015 +% +Buffering is our generation's static + ―HIGHcpu, Aug 2015 +% +Your future self is desperately wishing you would do something right now. + ―DiZeez, Mar 2016 +% +I wonder how often baby twins are mixed up by their parents and go their whole +lives with each other's identity + ―spin116, Aug 2016 +% +My city charges $10 for a parking ticket. It's cheaper to park illegally than +to pay for parking at a sporting event I attend a couple of times a week. + ―fusionman51, Aug 2016 +% +Why isn't Fuck, Marry, Kill called Bed, Wed, Behead? + ―SloanethePornGal, Jul 2015 +% +I have just realized I have survived literally everything life has thrown at +me so far. I have an 100% survival rate. + ―allanni, Nov 2015 +% +I like Reddit more than Facebook, and I don't even know the people on Reddit. + ―PathToNowhere, Feb 2016 +% +Religion is the longest game of telephone ever. + ―Freeze__, Sep 2015 +% +Netflix should have a setting to skip the intro music for its TV series' after +the first episode viewed in a single sitting. + ―CrickRawford, Jul 2014 +% +12 days without murder in New York could just mean 12 days without any bodies +found. + ―[deleted], Feb 2015 +% +If you put a hat on the ground it is like the earth is wearing a tiny hat. + ―PrincessAppleBee, Aug 2015 +% +A lot of what I spend my money on eventually comes out of my butt + ―popularloser, Jul 2016 +% +I wonder if a Google self driving car will require a Google+ account to +operate. + ―Rassidan, Sep 2014 +% +Paying with my plastic debit card leaves a "paper trail," but paying with +paper currency does not... + ―lawr11, Dec 2015 +% +If you are reading brail and come across "Do not touch" its already too late. + ―br00dle, Dec 2014 +% +If a guy makes a girl cum in under a minute he's a god. If a girl makes a guy +cum in under a minute she laughs about it with her friends. + ―jloy88, Jun 2015 +% +This isn't NSFW but will be flagged as such because bots don't understand +double negatives. + ―portajohnjackoff, Mar 2016 +% +If you're polite on the internet, you must be a really nice person in real +life. + ―floopykid, Aug 2016 +% +You never really outgrow having sleepovers. You just eventually pick one +friend to sleepover every night for the rest of your life. + ―BigOldQueer, Sep 2016 +% +Saying a movie has a "twist ending" is still a spoiler. + ―Heatios, Mar 2016 +% +Isn't Christianity Judaism with a Jesus expansion pack? + ―HeftyBiscuit, Apr 2015 +% +If I replaced my shoelaces with Apple earphones, I'd never have to worry about +them coming undone ever again. + ―TaintedLion, Sep 2015 +% +The first person that tested a parachute had to be a huge bad ass. + ―Drewsky25, Jan 2016 +% +Pun intended is a pun on the word unintended!! + ―theomnipotent1, Jun 2013 +% +About 50 yards into any lake there must be a ring of awesome skipping stones + ―Breklinho, Aug 2014 +% +McDonald's should create a $1, single-patty version of the Big Mac called a +Lil Mac. + ―Senecatwo, Sep 2014 +% +I wish at the end of our life we get a grand total of all our body's stats: +Miles of hair we grew, gallons we peed, liters of blood we pumped, pounds we +crapped, words we spoke, miles our texting thumb scrolled, etc. + ―theolo90, Feb 2016 +% +If someone was born tomorrow on 3/14/15 at 9:26:53... And lived for one +hundred years they would have experienced a full circle in their life + ―asaucyfella, Mar 2015 +% +If I owned an adult store, policy would have staff conclude a sex toy sale +with a cheery smile and a hearty 'Now go fuck yourself!'. + ―NewbPat, Apr 2015 +% +Carrot juice is technically also orange juice + ―marlinsfanert, Sep 2015 +% +If a girl is hotter than me, I am by definition cooler than her + ―NethioX, Feb 2016 +% +Humans have a 12-16 hour battery life. + ―the_blind_kid, Aug 2016 +% +If you say a glass is half full, then you are an optimist. If you say half +empty, then you are a pessimist. When someone asks me I said it depends. If it +was full and you poured half out, then it's half empty. If it's empty and you +add half in, then it's half full. I guess that makes me an analyst. + ―rearended, May 2015 +% +if money can't buy happiness why do I have to pay for my antidepressants? + ―Incandescent_Dreams, Jul 2016 +% +I Wish the word palindrome was a palindrome + ―aroondeep, Dec 2013 +% +No one would know if Stephen Hawking's computer became malevolent and started +changing what he was saying. + ―Yacobski, Apr 2014 +% +Light is hitting your body at 186,000 miles per second and we don't even feel +it. + ―Protosynthesis, May 2015 +% +Considering the smallest dollar note is $1, and the smallest euro note is €5, +european strippers (should) earn significantly more money. + ―Adamstorm64, Dec 2015 +% +My Reddit account is 666 days old today. I guess that makes it my Devil's Food +Cake Day + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +Going to work hungover is like playing your job on a harder difficulty. + ―NersonMandera, Nov 2013 +% +GoPro should manufacture a police body camera and name it either the GoPro 5-0 +or the GoPro Popo. + ―PoopTickets, Aug 2014 +% +When I'm old I will tell youngsters about when Marijuana was illegal. + ―spikecannon118, Sep 2014 +% +I bet attractive people think the world is a lot kinder than it actually is. + ―benjamin_finneran, Mar 2016 +% +I cannot wait until I can pirate Lego sets from a 3D printer in the future. + ―Hencley, Jan 2016 +% +I love listening to someone knowledgeable talk about a hobby I have no +knowledge of. It reminds me how of much unnoticed complexity exists right +beneath the surface of every aspect of life. + ―salty914, Mar 2016 +% +Making Siri say dirty things is this generations way of typing boob on a +calculator + ―Ichthasen, Apr 2016 +% +I hope that when my generation is elderly that we don't sit around and play +canasta but have nightly super smash bros tournaments in our retirement homes. + ―PM_ME_DUCKS, Nov 2014 +% +Pizza should have poison in the sauce and the antidote in the crust to kill +off those weird people that don't eat the crust. + ―Aks1993, Jul 2015 +% +the top selling VHS right now will hold that record forever + ―Noxrill, Dec 2015 +% +In Scotland, we pay more for plastic bags for shopping than we do for +university tuition + ―c2aye, Mar 2016 +% +On my days off, rather than sleeping past the time I'd normally have to get +up, I get much more enjoyment waking up at the same time and just laying +around. + ―ibjixx1, Mar 2016 +% +I see no point of labeling a public bathroom by gender when only one person +can use it at a time. + ―Dwac821, Apr 2016 +% +Will Ferrell and Pharrell Williams have very similar names, just reversed. + ―peanut_crisis, Feb 2014 +% +Before I die, want to hire some people to come to my funeral dressed in suits +and sunglasses and do some like bizarre salute when they leave so people think +I lived like a cool second life. + ―ChuggingALavalamp, Jul 2015 +% +I always seem to have a just strong enough data connection to play a YouTube +ad without interruptions but never the video I'm am trying to watch. + ―Areasonablechub92, Apr 2016 +% +My dog gets scared of thunder unless I’m nearby. On some level, he trusts that +I can fight off something that can shake our house. + ―Davidhallen, Aug 2016 +% +If Pinocchio said "My nose will now grow", his nose will be stuck in an +infinite loop of growing and ungrowing, making him the perfect sex toy. + ―Conspo, Jul 2015 +% +The Song "Stacey's Mom" came out 12 years ago. It's likely Stacey is a mom +herself now. I wonder if she's got it going on too. + ―TheRealKaila, Aug 2015 +% +There is God and there is man, it's only a matter of who created whom + ―Rybread50, Dec 2015 +% +"If these walls could talk," they would say nothing of interest unless they +could also see and/or hear. + ―AnActualRock, May 2015 +% +Demetri Martin's stand up routine has to be the best collection of shower +thoughts ever assembled. + ―psgamemaster, Sep 2015 +% +Every day this week is a palindrome. (6-13-16 through 6-19-16) + ―Serialnarcisist, Jun 2016 +% +You know it's a rough week in the United States when 'first time police use +robot with explosives to kill gunman' gets buried in the news. + ―TheKingOfDrews, Jul 2016 +% +In Harry Potter's world, people would use polyjuice potion to satisfy all +kinds of sexual fantasies. + ―odel555q, Dec 2015 +% +If the Mayans had ended their calendar in 2016 ,instead of 2012, it would have +been a lot more believable. + ―Justin_roy745, Sep 2016 +% +If I dont know exactly what is being advertised before the skip ad button pops +up, you have failed as an advertiser. + ―batsdx, Oct 2015 +% +Knitting a sweater has to be one of the coolest things to know how to +do. You're telling the world that you can tie a knot so elaborate you can wear +it as clothing. + ―wallyfoo, Oct 2015 +% +10 percent of my Facebook friends are responsible for 90 percent of the crap +in my feed. + ―IveSeenSomeStuffMan, Mar 2016 +% +There should be a YouTube channel where they take super strong acid and pour +it on different stuff + ―WaldoWoo, Apr 2016 +% +When you say longitude or latitude your mouth follows the correct direction of +the word said. + ―Serialnarcisist, Jun 2016 +% +I wonder if I've ever bought milk from the same cow twice. + ―beachedwolf, Feb 2016 +% +Thanks to computers, my handwriting is the same as when I was in 2nd grade. + ―onetwentyeightbpm, May 2016 +% +I'll bet the leaders of the Flat Earth Society don't actually believe the +Earth is flat, but they want a free ride into space from frustrated NASA +scientists who want to prove them wrong by showing them personally. + ―Moist_Gracie, Sep 2016 +% +Why aren't we more amazed that parrots can talk? + ―THCSandman, Jan 2015 +% +I see a post about a new breakthrough with curing cancer almost everyday but I +never hear about it again later. + ―KidsPlayTennis, Oct 2015 +% +Vaping without nicotine is basically sucking on a pacifier for adults + ―akanet, May 2016 +% +Women tend to laugh at jokes told by men they think are attractive. It +probably makes it confusing for guys who are legitimately funny but not +attractive. + ―spartanbadwolf, Sep 2016 +% +In baseball sex analogies, a "walk" should be settling for a man on man +hookup. Because you got on base but can't really brag about it, and there are +four balls. + ―phish_tacos, Jun 2015 +% +North Korea is like the weird kid at school that everyone makes fun of until +one day they bring a gun. + ―fembot_, Mar 2016 +% +What if bananas constantly fight for territory when you bring them home and +that's why the get bruised overnight? + ―poetu, Oct 2016 +% +On the series finale of Big Bang Theory, the final scene should have the gang +walking into the lobby of the apartment building only to see maintenence men +fixing the elevator. + ―S0LDIER-X, Mar 2015 +% +I've gone a full year, maybe even two, without thinking about the state of +Delaware. + ―ThurstonHowellIV, Jan 2016 +% +If Arkham Asylum is really an asylum, Batman beat the ever loving shit out the +mentally handicapped + ―Predatormagnet, Oct 2015 +% +Try to change the volume of your thoughts. Its always the same. + ―MindOfPaper, Dec 2013 +% +Eating grilled cheese with tomato soup is just a sneaky way of eating pizza + ―toOsOUpy, Oct 2015 +% +If you placed a map of the US flat on the ground anywhere in the US, one spot +on the map would be directly over the location it represents + ―PopeInnocentXIV, Jul 2014 +% +In Superman's day, people got really excited about seeing birds and planes + ―Invicta_Game, Feb 2015 +% +There should be a countdown at theaters from when the previews start until the +actually movie starts, so I know if I have time to get a refill or use the +bathroom before a movie + ―DrewCosby, Jun 2015 +% +Statistically speaking, I think it's safe to say that there's at least one +serial killer on reddit + ―nickg452csh, Jan 2016 +% +I wonder how many times I've simultaneously masturbated with someone I know. + ―ForeverNaynay, Aug 2013 +% +Why was /r/starwars not called /r/2d2? + ―HaHaHalfie, May 2014 +% +There should be a beer that takes 21 years to craft and age so on your 21st +birthday you can drink a beer made at the same time you were. + ―BNDTxGhost, Jan 2015 +% +It's crazy how nobody in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie. + ―mostlythursday, Aug 2015 +% +I would use a treadmill for hours if I had VR hooked up to google street view. + ―Dolphin_Titties, May 2016 +% +The best way to dispose of a human is to throw it to pigs. The best way to +dispose of a pig is to throw it to humans. + ―Milosky, Jan 2015 +% +Your bellybutton is your first scar + ―nikpappagiorgio, Jun 2015 +% +A company that donates books to prisons should be called Prose and Cons. + ―KonyInTheHouse, Mar 2015 +% +If Magic Johnson's basketball career failed, he would have had an incredible +porn name. + ―PotatoeGargler, Apr 2015 +% +Asking for someone's name is just asking what noise you should make to attract +their attention + ―Kanef64, Feb 2016 +% +I'd love to start a "church" for non-religious people who just want a +community of people who do good things together. + ―Whatsername868, Aug 2016 +% +We are all just one hit away from being one hit wonders. + ―Sentient_officeplant, Jan 2016 +% +At one time or another, you have ALL tried using the force only to disappoint +yourself and confirm the fact you aren't a jedi. + ―SchonaichC1, Apr 2016 +% +My dog has no idea that Whales exist + ―bluescholar90, Aug 2014 +% +I have no problems watching a 45 second gif on Reddit but balk at going to +YouTube for a 10 second video + ―DemWolverines, Apr 2016 +% +Shouldn't boat engines be rated in seahorsepower? + ―Half_Gone, Apr 2016 +% +This afternoon, this sub is going to blow up. + ―3kindsofsalt, Apr 2016 +% +You know what the world is missing? A celebrity animal-fucking scandal. + ―ask_me_if_im_naked, Aug 2013 +% +If you're a member of the royal family, are all your farts noble gases? + ―Oo_De_Lally, Aug 2015 +% +My life seems to be going pretty well. After all, I have just as many +tour-de-france medals as Lance Armstrong and twice as many testicles. + ―EgoTrip26, Mar 2016 +% +The more attractive you are while online dating, the more likely you are to be +flagged as spam. + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +My Facebook friends are confusing. Last month they were zoo experts, and now +they are experts in European diplomacy. + ―bovickles, Jun 2016 +% +There should be a car company named Edison that totally rips off Tesla's +designs. + ―Wyatt1710, Aug 2016 +% +We've become so advanced that we spend at least the first 20 or so years of +our lives getting caught up on the basics of what we've figured out so far. + ―benevolentpotato, Oct 2016 +% +It's called "cat calling" because when you call a cat they don't come to you. + ―forthexp, Oct 2014 +% +reddit should make art contests for the 503 (all servers are busy) error page +image and change it every few days so it will be cool to see the new funny +images and less frustrating to see reddit down all the time. + ―algae12, Feb 2015 +% +I've got 99 problems and 98 of them can be attributed to poor time management +and self control. + ―1001tigers, Apr 2015 +% +I've spent thousands of hours writing academic papers for school that only a +few people read whereas a stupid comment I've written on Reddit in just a few +seconds has been read by thousands. + ―esquiremoose, Sep 2016 +% +Saying "I live at work" sounds a lot more hardcore than "I work at home" + ―Jumbojet777, Jul 2015 +% +40 years from now senior centers will go from being filled with board games +and puzzles to being filled with ancient gaming consoles and their games. + ―dontbthatguy, Nov 2015 +% +Educating a child is like getting them caught up on a TV show that's been +running for 14 billion years. + ―PrettyMuchHollow, Jun 2014 +% +Instead of just looking up into the sky, you’re actually gazing down into the +infinite cosmic abyss, with only gravity holding you onto the surface of the +earth. + ―SwegWalker, Sep 2014 +% +Most Muslims probably feel no more connection to radical Islam than most +Christians do to the Westboro Baptist Church + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +I wonder what my life would be like if I actually followed through on all the +promises I make to myself at 2AM when all I want to do is fall asleep + ―Mosetsfire84, May 2015 +% +Clowns might do better than a well camouflaged person in a dangerous +wilderness survival situation because the local carnivores would assume they +are poisonous. + ―The2500, Aug 2015 +% +Anyone who might've invented time travel is dead & floating out in space +because we don't yet have space travel advanced enough to keep up with the +movement of Earth over time. + ―you_zehr_naime, Oct 2015 +% +If you're hotter than me, am I cooler than you? + ―berger321, Aug 2016 +% +My dog probably thinks I am magical because rooms light up when I enter them. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +If you live in a house with a mail slot, you live in a mail box. + ―Fastf1ng3rs, Dec 2014 +% +I'm 14 billion years old, but only 23 years alive. + ―moral_breakdown, Apr 2015 +% +Beef jerky is a meat raisin + ―MinecraftIsMyLove, Apr 2015 +% +In a movie, when the sexy protagonist has sex he takes off his shirt but when +the creepy antagonist has sex they show him unzip his pants. + ―Rooster1250, Jan 2016 +% +If a sex addict becomes a prostitute, are they then an immediate workaholic? + ―MandaThorian, Aug 2016 +% +The only reason I know about Aleppo is because Gary Johnson didn't. + ―BigDummyIsSexy, Oct 2016 +% +There's a pretty good chance that I've unwittingly come across dead people's +comments when browsing somewhat older reddit threads. + ―NewVegasGod, Jun 2014 +% +The complete opposite of a woman in a burka is a man wearing only a blindfold + ―Sutherby, Aug 2016 +% +If hackers really wanted to embarrass America, they should disable the red +underline that appears if you misspell a word + ―triplealpha, Oct 2016 +% +Pizza delivery drivers should drive around with a bunch of warm pizzas and we +should be able to flag them down like a taxi to buy a pizza + ―snortingking, Mar 2015 +% +I would totally buy a toilet seat with a scale in it so I could see how much +weight I lost every time I pooped... + ―The_Beer_Engineer, Jan 2016 +% +Steve Jobs dying early is a fitting metaphor for his attitude to his company's +battery life + ―0nak, Apr 2016 +% +The time between being potty trained and getting our period is the only break +women get in their lives from wearing some form of diapers... + ―LacyGray, Feb 2016 +% +I wonder what families own a photo of me riding the same roller coaster with +them. + ―n0obie, Jan 2014 +% +Because of the nude photo scandal the FBI are currently actual 'Female Boob +Inspectors' + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +The real reason John Stewart and Stephen Colbert left Comedy Central is to run +for President in 2016 + ―yungpianist, Apr 2015 +% +If pigs could fly, the price of bacon would skyrocket because they'd be harder +to farm. + ―[deleted], Feb 2016 +% +If 52% of the population of earth is Female, that means I have a bigger dick +than half of the world. + ―PapaParmesano, Jun 2015 +% +People don't realize just how lucky we are that our forefathers decided to +sign the declaration of independence in the middle of the summer. + ―holy_halo_man, Jul 2016 +% +There should be an app version of the Boy Scouts for adults that teaches +outdoorsman skills and gives merit badges for GPS tracked hikes and campouts. + ―angruss, Aug 2016 +% +During a zombie apocalypse there would be a group of "zombie rights activists +" who would protest the killing of zombies because they used to be people. + ―guildedlotus, Aug 2015 +% +The word "word" is just a word for a word. + ―lotictrance, Oct 2013 +% +Labels on apples should be edible. + ―where_is_the_any_key, Feb 2014 +% +If you tried to forget something, and were successful, you'd never know. + ―Mr_Kreepy, Sep 2015 +% +If Lord of the Rings was written 2000 years ago, there would be a religion +based on it. + ―danknesslover02, Feb 2016 +% +Enrique Iglesias and Eric Church have basically the same name just in a +different language. + ―the_caitallo, Apr 2016 +% +If febreze really did eliminate smells, the scented version wouldn't exist. + ―geor9e, Jul 2016 +% +It only takes 3 people to span the entire history of the United States. + ―garnteller, May 2014 +% +They should call it "Child Hoarders" instead of "19 Kids and Counting." + ―FlotsamJetson, Mar 2015 +% +The title of the movie "The Bourne Identity" is a play on words, because +bourne is the present perfect tense of the word bear, so the title basically +means "An identity one has to Bear". + ―aphroninjaXD, Jan 2016 +% +As a kid I thought that being able to read minds would be awesome. As an adult +I think that it would be somewhere between emotionally damaging and downright +terrifying. + ―IrishMerica, Jul 2016 +% +I've logged countless hours of heated arguments in my head with people I know +in real life that they don't know about. + ―JohnBageldy, Aug 2016 +% +You can ask a tall person for help reaching something on a tall shelf but you +can't ask a short person for help grabbing something that is near the ground. + ―kromtwofour, Aug 2015 +% +If you didn't know what it was, wind would be really terrifying. + ―d3adn0tsl3eping, Aug 2016 +% +Someone should run a Facebook page that posts nothing but clickbait that links +to Never Gonna Give You Up to teach people to stop clicking it + ―bjholmes3, Sep 2016 +% +You need teeth to pronounce the word teeth. + ―HatesTheHivemind, Dec 2013 +% +In 100 years google maps will have a street view feature called "retro" that +will show what towns looked like in 2015 + ―jux_da_posse, May 2015 +% +Watching a 2 hour film on Netflix is too big of a commitment but 4 episodes of +a TV show? No problem + ―Drogalov, Oct 2016 +% +"I'm up for that" and "I'm down for that" mean the exact same thing. + ―bridges12791, Apr 2014 +% +If God knows everything, He had to know that Adam would eat the apple. So God +created a sin loop. + ―Alltruenews, Mar 2015 +% +Wrestling videogames are actual competitions with no predetermined +winner. Does that make them more "real" than the live action they're based on? + ―lolfuckthisplace, Oct 2015 +% +Everything is or isn't ice cream. + ―Salizmo, Jun 2014 +% +If you go to WebMD more than once in a week it should add hypochondria to the +diagnosis + ―funnybunyy, Feb 2015 +% +Reddit is like fallout 4 you wander in a vast wasteland and occasionally find +useful junk. + ―Mutants_4_nukes, Dec 2015 +% +Think how fortunate you are that your ancestors survived disease, war and +feral beasts just so you could scroll on Reddit + ―starfighter-T9, Sep 2016 +% +Tax revenue generated from legal marijuana sales should go towards funding +space exploration. The more people get high, the higher up humanity goes! + ―ijustwantnicethings, Oct 2016 +% +Most children ( 2-5 yo)can operate intelligent devices like ipads, laptops, +smartphones, but somehow they can't understand how to use the toilet. + ―StarEventHorizon, Apr 2016 +% +The longer you wait for a haircut, the better deal you're getting. + ―Saintjack7, May 2016 +% +If the Bachelor was Mormon, the show would only be 1 episode. + ―Urwinator, Sep 2013 +% +What if the only reason I'm single is because I never forwarded those chain +messages? + ―abeniman, Nov 2013 +% +The word 'apart' is spelled together but means seperate. Meanwhile, 'a part' +of something is spelled seperate and means together. + ―Roche919, Aug 2014 +% +Only one company makes the game Monopoly + ―MaddenMan73, Sep 2016 +% +What if the most profound Showerthought ever is trapped in the mind of someone +who doesn't use Reddit? + ―AFatOrsonWelles, Sep 2015 +% +I cannot WAIT for the south park episode about Pokémon go. + ―skittlebrew, Jul 2016 +% +A night club is basically a party for people that weren't invited to an actual +party + ―mikaytheeasterbunny, Aug 2016 +% +It's not premarital sex if we're not going to get married. + ―Dano4600, Aug 2016 +% +Spelling bees would be so much better if kids said "To The" in-between each +letter. + ―Pmunk, Jan 2015 +% +Any animal that dies during hibernation, essentially dug their own grave. + ―isupposeitsjoe, Jul 2015 +% +Pizza is the most convenient food ever until you consider the box wont fit in +your trashcan. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +Physics is an attempt to reverse-engineer the source code of our existence. + ―ProfessorCon, Aug 2016 +% +Kids in high school typically make fun of kids who are in theater and band, +yet they worship celebrities and musicians. + ―jlmck4, Jun 2014 +% +I want to make a store like Best Buy, except it's a grocery store, and we only +sell items that are close to expiring. I will call it, Best by: + ―jmoore12629, May 2015 +% +"We're trying for a baby" is the only socially acceptable way of saying you're +dropping as much semen into your significant other as humanly possible. + ―monkey_george, Jul 2016 +% +I bet there's some mail carriers out there with amazing Pokémon GO accounts + ―Tony-Flags, Jul 2016 +% +Saying there are no aliens is like scooping a tea cup into the ocean and +saying [there are] no fish. + ―Kevin_mark32, Aug 2016 +% +People think I'm the quiet, mysterious type but then they get to know me and +realize I'm just boring + ―ProSwitz, Jul 2015 +% +Microwaves should have a silent setting. + ―reamsofrandomness, Mar 2016 +% +In my experience attending Catholic school drastically reduces your chances of +being Catholic as an adult + ―just-casual, Jul 2016 +% +If I could read minds, I could only read minds of people that speak English +because I can only speak English. + ―lazymane, Apr 2015 +% +Battleship is just a two person bingo. + ―Torrgud, May 2016 +% +Al Gore could make a band called the Algorithms. + ―gradual_weeaboo, Jun 2014 +% +Hundreds of kids killed in Syria, no one bats an eye. A lion killed and the +whole world gets in a uproar. + ―Born2bFunny, Jul 2015 +% +I'm really grateful for those facebook "copy and past this status and you'll +get some unrealistic reward" posts cause it helps me identify which people on +my list are fking idiots. + ―1manparty, Dec 2015 +% +Every Olympic Event Should include one Average Person Competing for Reference. + ―MightBeDementia, Jul 2016 +% +The NSA probably has no idea what Amish communities are doing. + ―smoothlove69, Jul 2013 +% +Stairs are just little floors to help you get between big floors. + ―Mayundo, Apr 2014 +% +Youtube should have a tip button on music videos so you can tip like 25 cents~ +to verified artists that share their music on the site. + ―flashtone, Oct 2015 +% +The illuminati is the worst secret society + ―aspie_god, Nov 2014 +% +The three Hobbit movies are the Star Wars prequels of this decade + ―not-steve, May 2015 +% +Is the Snapchat logo a ghost because the pictures will come back to haunt you? + ―Wait__Whut, Sep 2015 +% +They should make a movie where the main character has multiple +personalities. His internal monologue is narrated by Morgan Freeman when he's +good, and Samuel L. Jackson when he's bad. + ―DeadK4T, Mar 2016 +% +What if our reality is a simulation, and magic existed as bugs in the code +that have long since been patched? + ―Mcsonofabitch, Aug 2016 +% +Bill O'Reilly could replace Jon Stewart on the Daily show, saying the same +stuff he says on Fox but with a laughter track + ―vinvanda, Feb 2015 +% +In 21st century, deleting history is more important than making it. + ―A17yearoldguythrow, May 2016 +% +Kate Upton and Kate Middleton are famous. How long before we have a famous +Kate Downton? + ―gmsc, Jul 2013 +% +The brain is the only organ that knows it's an organ + ―Threil, May 2015 +% +Fifa 16 should let you use real-money to bribe officials in online matches for +a more realistic experience. + ―[deleted], Jun 2015 +% +If I manage my bank account like I manage my phone battery, I'd be rich. + ―19kaufmanry, Feb 2016 +% +If Steven Avery ends up freed due to Making A Murderer, it'll be the first +time Netflix ever led to anyone spending more time outdoors. + ―OlafDumas, Mar 2016 +% +I had adblock on for so long that until today I didn't know reddit had ads. + ―AreMemesAnInstrument, Jan 2016 +% +When I see a picture of a fat person 100 years ago, I assume they were +wealthy. When I see a fat person today, I assume they're poor. + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +I wonder if anyone has ever walked out of a Chinese buffet and said "Wow that +was a great decision. I am very pleased with myself right now" + ―JustinPatient, Aug 2016 +% +A package is a euphemism for a penis. A box is a euphemism for a +vagina. Packages come in boxes. + ―mrdudemanguysir, Sep 2016 +% +I thought I made up "the floor is lava." It never occurred to me that every +child knows what it is. + ―LtSully, Mar 2015 +% +If men make more money than women, then financially it's a good idea to be +gay. + ―DarthNarwhals, Dec 2015 +% +The US has banned Kinder Eggs but is cool with laundry detergent gel packs +that look like candy. + ―UhhJackieChan, Jun 2016 +% +By the end of this century, people will start looking up their ancestors on +Facebook + ―Narksdog, Sep 2016 +% +Because not everyone has a penis, I have an above average number of penises. + ―Yanmega, Dec 2014 +% +I wonder how many people have a picture of me riding a roller coaster with +them in their house. + ―mvk_iii, Jul 2015 +% +Red Bull should have a prize giveaway named "Red Bull gives you things." + ―roooooob, Sep 2015 +% +We need to increase space funding. Muffins made in space could float in the +middle of an oven and be spheres - entirely muffin-top consistency. + ―VinDenim, Jan 2016 +% +There should be a late show where the guests are just random people, and they +talk about their whole life. + ―GlazedSmooth, Mar 2016 +% +When I'm 80 years old, will people find today's pop-culture, movies and music +embarrassing? "Grandad, stop playing dub-step, it's old!" + ―DeansMagicBeans, Dec 2013 +% +CPR is the human equivalent of punching/slamming/hitting a machine until it +starts working again + ―kikat314, Jun 2015 +% +Pandora should show you the next song so you can decide if you want to waste a +skip or wait it out. + ―Dusty_Minge, Aug 2015 +% +Despite everything DARE taught me, not once was I ever offered drugs at +school. + ―timeless-clock, Sep 2015 +% +Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, we lucked out with it +being just a yawn. + ―facederaice, May 2016 +% +Every ginger in America has Trey Parker and Matt Stone to thank for being +accused of having no soul at least once in their lives + ―shea_the_great, Jul 2016 +% +We should take a minute to be thankful about clouds emptying their water at a +slow rate and in form of tiny droplets, and not pouring it in one go in a +giant falling block of water + ―lcq92, Mar 2016 +% +I've never seen a baby pigeon in my life. + ―Vmss4, Oct 2016 +% +Facebook has become so boring that people have nothing to do but simply +re-share old memories. + ―wotton, Sep 2015 +% +Dog toys are only brightly colored so they're attractive to humans in the +store. + ―BenDrinkingCoffee, Oct 2016 +% +At 5.5", the new iPhone will be bigger than the dicks of 50% of the men who +own one. + ―fredandlunchbox, Sep 2014 +% +Some girls say "you'll never find another one like me" after a breakup, isn't +that the point? + ―JohnWilkesBOOM, Feb 2016 +% +I wake up an hour early nearly every morning just to take a series of 10 +minute power naps. + ―OlStickInTheMud, Apr 2016 +% +Reddit is essentially a pub. If you're not local you better watch what you say +or you'll piss off the regulars. + ―Limmy92, May 2016 +% +If you stumble over your cat in the dark and accidentally step on his paw, he +probably thinks you're a dick, because he can see, and doesn't know that you +can't. + ―tronk, Oct 2014 +% +The phrase "a penny for your thoughts" was coined in 1522; if you adjusted for +inflation, I wonder how much a thought is worth today. + ―chiablo, Dec 2015 +% +I wish Facebook had a "People You Should Delete" section instead of "People +You May Know" so I could conveniently clean up my friends list. + ―morethanagame03, Sep 2016 +% +You are eventually going to stub your toe again on a very hard surface and +it's going to hurt a lot. It will happen someday and all you can do is wait. + ―PanchDog, Jul 2015 +% +Airplanes should release a powder with high hue/visibility colors when they +break/impact on ocean water, which narrows down search for black box +recorders. + ―The-SpaceGuy, May 2016 +% +Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents' job. + ―illestprodigy, Oct 2016 +% +Ironically, Chumbawumba never got back up again. + ―ahundredheys, Aug 2015 +% +Everyone on Reddit is a straight 20-something male pseudo-intellectual gamer +who's kinda into fitness, until proven otherwise + ―ienjoyapples, May 2016 +% +It's ironic to me that the people who believe God will warn them to build an +ark when the flood comes are the same ones refusing to listen to scientists +warning them of rising sea levels. + ―KingLouisXXIV, Jul 2015 +% +As a husband with kids, our entire family has been in my wife's vagina. + ―CheckBaby123, Dec 2015 +% +The exact opposite of a sphere (0 corners) would be infinite corners. Which +would probably look like a sphere. + ―SlapmyFace, Apr 2016 +% +Losing ten pounds in America is a lot better than losing ten pounds in +England. + ―ProbableWalrus, Apr 2015 +% +I’m only considered the ‘tech person’ in my house because nobody else thinks +to Google when something goes wrong. + ―thepkmncenter, Oct 2016 +% +There are no sour patch adults because we eat them all while they're kids. + ―koller419, Jun 2015 +% +If I had a clone I wouldn't want to be friends with him because of his voice + ―Cheer_up_Buttercup, Mar 2016 +% +Reddit is kinda like preschool because if you write a good comment, you get a +gold star + ―thomasklau, Jul 2014 +% +Prostitution in England could be codenamed "pound-for-pound". + ―craftybutcher, Feb 2016 +% +Seasonal allergies are your body telling you that it is uncomfortable with +plants having sex near you + ―GodPoopsToo, May 2014 +% +Hugh Jackman 16 years as wolverine and never wore the yellow suit + ―buyingaspaceship, Jun 2016 +% +The last funeral won't be for the last person alive. + ―360JFK, Nov 2015 +% +Reddit is the only place where I've learnt to not trust the article headlines +and instead expect a stranger in the comments to tell me the truth + ―chongchong234, Oct 2016 +% +Somewhere, out there, lives a hardcore vegan that refuses to use 'honey' as a +term of endearment. + ―captainjules, Nov 2014 +% +Netflix really only needs a sports-streaming service and it'll render cable +completely useless. + ―SBPennywhistle, Jun 2015 +% +Dropped the soap and just kicked the bar up the side of the tub like a +half-pipe and caught it in my hand. Coolest thing I've ever done that nobody +will ever fully believe. + ―mrfluff_n_snuff, Aug 2015 +% +Sia's final album should be titled "Sia Later" + ―Mad-Hatter95, Feb 2016 +% +In less than a week, people will go from bitching about the "upgrade to +windows 10 for free" popups, to bitching about Windows 10 not being free +anymore. + ―MeowMixSong, Jul 2016 +% +I bet a lot more people would be on board with the draft if they just called +it "Call of Duty 5: Actual Warfare" + ―imlovinit666, Oct 2014 +% +The extension on Italian websites is ".it", so google.com in Italy reads +"google it" + ―AZachOfTheClones, Feb 2015 +% +What if cave drawings are done by cave-children and we are judging their +entire society by graffiti done by kids? + ―imma_viking, Feb 2015 +% +True friends say good things behind your back and bad things to your face. + ―WellEndowedDragon, Apr 2015 +% +The whole "Don't drop the soap" joke in prisons only applies if people ignore +health & safety protocol by bending at the waist rather than the knees. + ―George_Huxley, Aug 2015 +% +If gravity were to randomly cut off, cars would launch off the ground due to +the force in the suspension. + ―MrSanch2u, Sep 2015 +% +I wonder how many miles my thumbs have scrolled on my phone + ―516nocnaes, Jun 2016 +% +When I was young I hated parents in the movies who tried to get their kid the +protagonist to work for the family business. Now I wish I had a family +business to work at, for the job and financial security + ―birdonamonday, Oct 2016 +% +Someone on the planet has watched more porn than any other human + ―vg1746, Jul 2014 +% +The best way to refresh Reddit for new posts is to fall asleep. + ―Turkey_Sammich, Oct 2015 +% +Pornstars who don't want to be discovered should get fake tattoos for +plausible deniability. + ―forsleepssake, Jun 2016 +% +I now feel the same way when I see "starring Kevin Hart" in a movie trailer as +I do when I see "starring Adam Sandler" + ―Moldeyawsome12, Jun 2016 +% +Cockpit is the perfect euphemism for vagina, yet you hardly (if ever) hear +anyone use it as such. + ―DemraTheArmed, Oct 2016 +% +Being forced to watch an ad in order to watch an ad for a movie is +aggravatingly ironic. + ―Heliodjent, Dec 2015 +% +Everyone says dating someone because of their personality and not their looks +is a good thing but telling someone you're only dating them because of their +personality and not their looks is a really bad thing to say + ―d2dan, Feb 2016 +% +I have now gone from seeing a group of people at 3am and thinking, "Great +another drug trade" to "Great another Pokémon Go group." + ―IAmTilted, Jul 2016 +% +Netflix should start a doubling as a dating website. Like, "8 singles in your +area have also watched Breaking Bad for 12 straight hours." + ―tresdosuno, Apr 2014 +% +Any vehicle that Tom Cruise drives is in cruise control + ―DrEnrique, Oct 2014 +% +The only way to want half of a banana is to not want half of a banana. + ―logicshock, Nov 2014 +% +No matter how much Reddit tries to avoid it, the down vote button is the same +as a disagree button. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +Maybe cats lie on top of keyboards because they think you're tickling and +scratching the keyboard's belly and they get jealous + ―PastaOfMuppets, May 2015 +% +Parkour is the adult version of The Floor is Lava. + ―AAPLPi, Jun 2015 +% +I've been on Reddit for 3 years, and i have 6 karma, even on the internet i do +nothing productive. + ―mrerik314, Jan 2016 +% +The only way to actually be done with my laundry is to do it naked. + ―graphXgeek, Oct 2016 +% +They call it Tampax 'Pearl' because you hide the tampon in your clam... + ―ohgeezuguyz, Nov 2014 +% +If you could actually talk to animals, all you would hear is constant +screaming about danger, threats, or demands for sex. + ―notbobby125, Jun 2015 +% +The word Jewish makes it sound like you're a Jew but not really. + ―drhanburger, Nov 2015 +% +Elevator doors are the only time it's considered reasonable to halt the +progress of large machinery by sticking your limbs into its moving parts. + ―BallsAndAHalf, Apr 2016 +% +I wonder how many people are actively holding a grudge against me for +something I don't remember doing or saying. + ―notthemostclevername, Nov 2014 +% +During the day you can see only one Sun. At night, you can see over two +thousand Suns. + ―HIGHsonburg, Oct 2015 +% +If you would have told me in 1991 Mike Tyson was not bad compared to OJ and +Bill Cosby I would have not believed you. + ―p4ulyj03, Jan 2016 +% +When a famous person dies, does Wikipedia just click a 'dead' button which +changes all the words "is" to "was"? + ―Stvupid, Mar 2016 +% +There should be an option of seeing only posts that you haven't clicked yet in +your daily reddit front page. + ―tesla_beats_edison, Sep 2016 +% +Even on your worst day, you've still stopped as many terrorists as the TSA. + ―DivineJustice, May 2016 +% +I would be a lot more motivated in life if every difficult thing had a +progress bar that I could see. + ―Notablawz, Jul 2016 +% +Snoop Dogg should host a cooking show called "Dogg Foodd" + ―itstriche, Mar 2014 +% +Whenever I scoop a dead fish out of my tank, I feel like that airship from the +hunger games. + ―toesox, Jan 2015 +% +Companies like Netflix need packages made for hotels, they would make a lot of +money, and people who don't have Netflix will have a chance to try it out when +they travel. + ―Devonic96, Sep 2015 +% +"I for one, like Roman Numerals" is a sentence that describes Roman Numerals +and tells you how I feel about them. + ―wordsandstuffs, Jan 2016 +% +If you go North long enough you'll be going South, but if you go West long +enough you'll still be going West. + ―FreeMarijuanas, Oct 2014 +% +Why isn't tinder called "eBae" + ―catslovecheese, Mar 2015 +% +I turned 40 today. My late father used to tell me, "I'll tell you when you're +40." Today would have been a good day. + ―iam40, May 2015 +% +Potholes should be called assholes because of the asphalt + ―thanksbruv, Jun 2015 +% +The company Caterpillar should start making airplanes under the name +Butterfly. + ―madbubers, Aug 2015 +% +Kim Jong-Un might actually be the fattest guy in North Korea. + ―imaghostmotherfucker, Sep 2015 +% +We should call all countries what they call themselves. For example, Americans +should call Germany "Deutschland". Or Japan "Nihon". + ―not-gonna-lurk, Oct 2015 +% +As the mom of a 5 year old, I don't understand why all ELI5 answers aren't +"Because I said so." + ―fitbottomedgrl, Nov 2015 +% +You never realize how often you use a finger until you have a cut on it + ―Pokenerd_Devon, Oct 2016 +% +If a pizza has radius 'z' and a thickness of 'a', then its volume can be +defined as Pi(z*z)a + ―aFPOON, Jan 2015 +% +I pay such little attention to usernames on Reddit, that for all I know, the +same five or ten people post every single thing. + ―willdoe17, Mar 2016 +% +The difference between being a high school state champion for the 100 meter +dash and being the fastest man on Earth is 1 second. + ―-Lach, Aug 2016 +% +From a dinosaur's perspective, we're living in a post-apocalyptic world. + ―neanderhall, Oct 2014 +% +Knocking on somebody's door is basically punching their house until they let +you in. + ―Coleman2201, Nov 2014 +% +People say cell phones are ruining youth, but youth are reading more then ever +because of them + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +If a 4 year old said ELI5 he or she would sound like a cocky dick + ―rreighe2, Feb 2015 +% +I'll throw $3 at a snack, a latte, etc, without even a second thought. But a +$0.99 app? Ouch - lemme think about that and read a dozen reviews... + ―jtoeman, Apr 2015 +% +Eating a lollipop is just swallowing your flavored spit + ―IgnUnbeknownst, Jul 2016 +% +One of the most unbelievable things about Sponge Bob is that two fry cooks are +home owners. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +Lithium is the worst name for a heavy metal band + ―futt_bucking, Apr 2014 +% +Joggers that wear bright neon can run, but they can't hide. + ―TheMillionthSam, Jul 2016 +% +What if Mr. Clean is actually a skinhead whose version of clean is really just +ethnic cleansing? + ―ex-istentialism, Aug 2016 +% +It doesn't matter how old I get, I'll always look up whenever I hear a +helicopter. + ―enefoo, Sep 2016 +% +If everyone stays in character all night, a halloween party is basically a +highly confusing, plotless LARP game + ―[deleted], Oct 2013 +% +if I walk west I will always be going west, but if I walk north I'll +eventually be walking south. + ―THMSBRDBR, May 2014 +% +If someone is making you dig your own grave, just say no. They are gonna kill +you anyway, why not make them do the work. + ―Insendius, Jan 2015 +% +If String Theory is true, and there are an infinite number of realities, could +there be a reality in which String Theory isn't true? + ―Tentaye, Mar 2015 +% +If there is an advanced alien civilization reading this that's hiding in order +to prevent "cultural contamination", fuck you. + ―Nulono, Nov 2015 +% +Amazon should have "Already bought one" and "Not interested" buttons so the +same products don't follow you around in ads for weeks on end. + ―thegreatestajax, May 2016 +% +I am the result of 3,5000,000,000,000 years of things successfully fucking +each other. + ―Chocobo_Eater, May 2016 +% +You don't kill time, times kills you. + ―Quadraxus, Apr 2015 +% +Landfills are going to intrigue the hell out of archeologists in a couple +million years. + ―branflakes4547, Dec 2015 +% +Why are there no medium sized rappers? whats wrong with middle wayne? + ―onefrwar94, Mar 2016 +% +If Star Wars actually took place 'a long long time ago, in a galaxy far away," +we could witness the destruction of the Death Star once the light from that +location got to us. + ―Azunias, Apr 2016 +% +I can't believe breakfast cereal companies haven't come up with a better idea +to close their damned cereal boxes. + ―Noderoni, Sep 2016 +% +I have never seen a Starbucks commercial + ―CrimsonGuardian, May 2015 +% +/r/aww still being up is like your parents getting you a dog to distract you +from their divorce. + ―neosithlord, Jul 2015 +% +I live in an era where I'm actually more surprised to hear that two parents +are still together than I am to hear that they're divorced + ―HanakoOF, Oct 2016 +% +Reddit should have a 'throwaway bot' where you can PM for it to post on +threads for you anonymously + ―gee842, Jan 2015 +% +Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl got really lucky when they named their son Dash +as they had no way of knowing he'd have super speed as a superpower. + ―Dewut, Aug 2015 +% +Falling asleep is the best example of "fake it till you make it". + ―felixtre, Jan 2016 +% +We make fun of Twitter being 140 chars, but most of Reddit only reads the +title anyway. + ―RoboErectus, Mar 2016 +% +Does anyone else find it ironic that Harriet Tubman, a former slave, is going +to be memorialized on a piece of cotton? + ―BigMikeCassel, Apr 2016 +% +The fact that the "Age Discrimination in Employment Act" only applies to +people over 40, is itself, age discrimination. + ―phone17, Feb 2015 +% +I notice i'm getting older because famous people are getting younger. + ―iusedtolikepokemon, Oct 2016 +% +The bulk of people who advocate for "abstinence only" sexual education adhere +to a belief system centered around the idea that a virgin can get pregnant. + ―IntelWarrior, Aug 2014 +% +Little Caesar's should offer a 2 for 1 deal on the Ides of March. The slogan +should be "Eat 2, Brute." + ―manic_lethargy, Mar 2015 +% +What if the only reason we haven't actually encountered a time traveler is +because this time period is awful and nobody wants to go back to it? + ―craftygnomes, Jun 2013 +% +Eyeballs look fucking terrifying, but put it in a socket and dress it up with +some lids and lashes and they become quite pretty. + ―madeyouangry, Sep 2014 +% +Bacteria multiply by dividing. + ―Oxidopamine, Jul 2013 +% +I could be anyone and you'd have no idea + ―classicnaturaler, Dec 2013 +% +Iceland is the best country to be in during a Zombie outbreak. It is an +island, it has a small population, is energy independent, and has volcanoes +for easy corpse disposal. + ―CthulhuBread, Oct 2014 +% +Every time you paint a room it gets smaller. + ―Datroof-87, Aug 2015 +% +Kleenex and other tissue brands profit from sadness, sickness and masturbation + ―TuckDuckGoose, Oct 2015 +% +Getting pissed at a video game is basically like saying "I paid you to +distract me from real life, and you can't even do that right" + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +I wonder how many drugs have failed animal testing, but would have worked in +humans + ―Dabum17, Mar 2016 +% +We humans have set up a society in which we require a minimum number of laps +around the sun for a person to drink fermented plant juice. + ―ChildishGravitino, Oct 2016 +% +In 6 or 7 years people are going to have to stop referring to the 1920's as +simply "the twenties" + ―Agaeris, Jul 2014 +% +Cup holders are just cups for cups. + ―BusinessCasual-, Mar 2015 +% +"One mans junk is another mans treasure" would make a good slogan for a gay +pride parade. + ―Murican_Freedom1776, May 2015 +% +Learning to code has totally fucked my google search history. For example, "Do +you fork a child before or after you kill the parent?" + ―lllllllillllllllllll, Mar 2016 +% +People born in 1969 can't use 69 in their username without people thinking +they're immature teenagers. + ―gufu-, May 2016 +% +We should have an 'annual holiday' where we turn off all the lights and look +at the night sky. + ―trance_lovers, Jul 2016 +% +"Nice guys finish last" might actually be about sex. + ―faultyface, Oct 2016 +% +With Guitar Hero no longer in production, my ability to play the game on +Expert mode is a useless talent I'll never be able to preform again. + ―Divebomb_Dan, Dec 2013 +% +Facebook is the refrigerator of the internet. I keep going back to it +expecting something to appear that I'll enjoy. + ―LLment, Apr 2015 +% +If US and Russia exchanged few warhead strikes, we could all play Fallout GO. + ―arcticrobot, Jul 2016 +% +The other day when Reddit's first post was reposted, it momentarily became the +first and last post on Reddit. + ―[deleted], Jan 2014 +% +If Volkswagen was in the cloning industry, their slogan could be "We Double +You". *German Accent* + ―Tunnelofpain, May 2014 +% +Text-to-911 should be more widely available, as it allows people to report a +crime without looking suspicious or making a sound. + ―obvious_santa, Mar 2015 +% +Half the world is starving and the other half is trying to lose weight. + ―kapre-korn, Jul 2015 +% +If you're a generous person that expects nothing in return for your deeds, you +are literally good for nothing. + ―jonvaughn, Aug 2016 +% +As someone with depression dying for someone is nothing. Living for someone is +harder than anything. + ―the_swaggin_dragon, Oct 2016 +% +masturbating before the internet will become my generation's "walked over 5 +miles to school in the snow" + ―redditninemillion, Dec 2013 +% +I wonder how many miles I've scrolled on my mouse + ―arithehurricane, Sep 2014 +% +If Mike Wazowski opens up a tattoo shop it would be called Monsters Ink + ―supremeeasy, Feb 2015 +% +Private school is pay to win IRL. + ―Niall762, May 2016 +% +People find it ridiculous that an elephant can be scared of a mouse yet so +many humans are terrified of insects + ―thegypsyslayer, Sep 2016 +% +Fat people have more skin, so aren't they actually more skinny than thin +people? + ―bluerabbit10, Oct 2014 +% +NASCAR is just advertisements going around in circles. + ―[deleted], Jun 2013 +% +Bank robbers probably find out how much money they have stolen by watching the +TV instead of counting it all out. + ―ShamWowTheGreat, Nov 2014 +% +Dogs are proof that you can buy friends + ―Adrian_Maurud, Mar 2015 +% +Toys R Us should change their mascot from a giraffe to a dinosaur, a +"Toysaurus". + ―efficientlyobvious, Feb 2016 +% +If you send out 7000000 text messages from an anonymous source with a unique +lottery number and "FROM YOUR FUTURE SELF", after the draw you will have the +phone number of one rich person who thinks they get messages from the future. + ―smileedude, Jun 2015 +% +Piglet was best friends with a tiger and a bear. His anxiety disorders were +completely justified. + ―everybodypantsnow12, Jul 2014 +% +I am forever disappointed that a group of squid is not called a squad + ―shazzbarbaric, Mar 2015 +% +If I ever open a record store it will be named, "The Vinyl Countdown." + ―nickbrinser, Sep 2015 +% +I raise this glass to all unknown time travelers that saved this world +numerous times with no credit for it. + ―showerexpert, Sep 2016 +% +If you move your sight from the book you are reading, the story automatically +pauses. + ―fakeyouverymuch, Jun 2015 +% +Saying Okay Google is essentially the equivalent of saying Go Go Gadget Phone + ―Thetreyb, Oct 2015 +% +If you ever met someone that had the same voice as you, you'd be the only two +people not to realise. + ―NoctusTheOctopus, May 2016 +% +I'm a straight female who always goes to the dentist twice a year. At some +point in my life, the amount of time I've spent with dicks in my mouth +surpassed the time I've spent with a dental hygienist in there. + ―dirtygirlscouts, Sep 2016 +% +They should charge less for drinks in the drive-thru because you can't refill +them. + ―cassandra55, Sep 2016 +% +When a Pop-Up ad appears, not once have I considered using their service +before closing the ad. + ―yoguy2, Oct 2015 +% +With every passing second you very slowly move up the leaderboard for oldest +living person. + ―paul193, Jul 2016 +% +We think it's socially acceptable to all get together and drink poison on +weekends + ―rychay09, Oct 2013 +% +I wonder if I've ever paid with the same note or coin more than once. + ―mjarc, Jul 2014 +% +Every morning, you grow one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos. + ―Altre_, Sep 2015 +% +Camouflage is essentially America's Away colors. + ―clifwith1f, Dec 2013 +% +Snakes are free range tentacles. + ―ate2bugz, May 2016 +% +I never poke fun a a post with spelling or grammar errors partly because I'm +not a dick and partly because I know my response will without fail have a +spelling of grammar error in it. + ―washheightsboy3, Oct 2016 +% +If Star Wars REALLY happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, we +might be able to watch it through a telescope right now or at some point in +the future. + ―lee-harvey-lawlswald, Jul 2013 +% +I just realized "discovered" is the negative form of "covered" + ―Piratebay12, Dec 2015 +% +People say "national healthcare isn't free, you pay for it with your taxes!" +but they wouldn't say "Going for a walk isn't free, you pay for those roads +and sidewalks with your taxes!" + ―kathrynthenotsogreat, Apr 2016 +% +My dog probably thinks that I'm walking around the block alone for 12 hours +while I'm at work. + ―Drew1231, Jul 2016 +% +I spend more time at the place that pays me than I do at the place I pay for. + ―Abrahammer4, Jul 2016 +% +When you dip a French fry into ketchup you're dipping potato into tomato. + ―[deleted], Jan 2014 +% +If you threaten to throw batteries at someone, it's assault. If you hit +someone with a salt shaker, it's battery. + ―jark831, Feb 2015 +% +If that shitty charmander stays viral long enough, one day that guy will take +off his shirt and someone will say "I can't believe you got a tattoo of that +shitty charmander from the Internet" + ―Bro-methius, Apr 2015 +% +On Facebook users want as many friends as possible so that more people can see +their posts, on reddit users want as few friends as possible because one of +them might see their posts. + ―el_toastradamus, Sep 2015 +% +I was born Dec 31st. The world counts the seconds until my birthday is over, +then parties because it's ended. + ―Freadan, Dec 2015 +% +No other generation will know the horror of cleaning a mouse ball roller. + ―sawser, Jul 2016 +% +In a way, after Darth Vader cut off Luke's hand, he followed it up with "I +fucked your mom." + ―666lucifer, Sep 2016 +% +Kissing is making a tunnel anus to anus + ―punken99, Jul 2013 +% +Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then +one hand that just sits there like, “I don’t know how to hold a pencil." + ―cgallic, Feb 2014 +% +I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in +things either. + ―you_irl, Aug 2015 +% +When I leave a safe gap in front of me on the road, it's not an invitation for +you to overtake me and fill it. + ―Breeze_in_the_Trees, Aug 2016 +% +Every day is 'Bring your kid to work day' if you're pregnant. + ―the_moon_is_shining, Sep 2016 +% +The entire point of a bayonet is to bring a knife to a gun fight. + ―djcurlyfries, Oct 2016 +% +The second "N" in "peninsula" is the greatest cockblock in the dictionary. + ―the_rabble_alliance, Dec 2014 +% +My life must be pretty bad if I'm looking forward to the parts where I'm +unconscious. + ―robotcephalopod, Dec 2014 +% +They should take Reddit down for a week and fuck with the internet "Writers" +that steal all their content from it. + ―GlazedReddit, May 2016 +% +Hackers have broken this year's biggest stories, while journalists have tried +to cover them up. + ―Squashey, Aug 2016 +% +will.i.am's tombstone should say "will.i.was." + ―KirbyKoll123, Sep 2014 +% +We use escalators, get fat, and then use Stairmasters + ―CrankRED, Nov 2014 +% +I wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille. + ―Damngoodtacos, Feb 2015 +% +There needs to be a reality show like wife swap, but instead, a poor family +switched places with a rich family for at least two weeks. + ―anotherusername79, Aug 2015 +% +YouTube shouldn't just show how many views a video has, but the average amount +of time people watch before they click away from it. + ―Akaed, Sep 2016 +% +Getting a haircut is like the final boss of making small talk. + ―dancingoppie1223, Oct 2016 +% +Whenever I see, "Do Not Use Knife" on a box, what I read is, "Use Knife +Carefully". + ―flyin_lynx, Oct 2016 +% +In movie, Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man and Scarecrow could've just killed the +Lion and taken his heart and brain. + ―bobsmith1111, Apr 2014 +% +What if Stephen Hawking is really a vegetable, and his computer is an +artificial intelligence? + ―Satansanta94, Dec 2014 +% +If Steve Harvey hosts the Oscars next year, Leonardo DiCaprio might stand a +chance to win one. + ―PM_ME_STEAMGAMES_PLS, Dec 2015 +% +Let's name the new planet Pluto, and keep going like nothing happened. + ―ChaosHellNewsRadio, Jan 2016 +% +The course of human history might be completely different if every man's penis +was exactly the same size + ―sirius4778, Apr 2016 +% +After a long road trip, there is a sense of relief once you're back in range +of your radio presets. + ―elevatedsparky, Apr 2016 +% +If Jesus was born to a virgin Mary, then he'd only have an X chromosome. That +would make Jesus a female. + ―--_--__--___--, May 2016 +% +If "\o/" means 'yay', does "lol" mean 'I surrender'? + ―quasidor, Jun 2016 +% +I've developed an intense hatred towards products/companies that force me to +watch 30sec ads on mobile youtube without a 5sec skip. Ad money well spent. + ―sorajima, Oct 2016 +% +3 of the 5 senses are acceptable to use to express understanding. You can say +"I hear that!", "I feel you!", or "Oh, I see!", but it's weird if you say "I +smell you" or "I taste that, bro". + ―Fudge_Demon, Feb 2014 +% +The only time I ever want to have a penny is to keep from getting more pennies + ―crabbyshellfish, Nov 2015 +% +I can't believe DC failed to make a story about a team of human convicts +believable, but I never once questioned Marvel's gods from another world +coming to earth and chilling with a dude who turns green when he gets upset. + ―Regularoldballoon, Aug 2016 +% +How pissed is the guy who killed 9 people in SC, trying to start a race war, +but instead, ended the Confederate flag as we know it? + ―ChaosHTX, Jun 2015 +% +Getting dick pics is like a cat giving you a dead mouse. "I can see you're +proud, but I'm going to throw that away without ever touching it." + ―waldo1478, Oct 2015 +% +Humans have become scientifically advanced to the point of engineering 75-ton +planes that fly tens of thousands of feet high. But we're still superstitious +enough to not put the number 13 on them. + ―adeebchowdhury, Jun 2016 +% +In the last four days "Grab them by the p***y" has been said more times than +all the other days in history, combined. + ―Unicornpark, Oct 2016 +% +Django the bounty hunter killed Samuel L Jackson, but in an alternate universe +Samuel L Jackson killed Jango the bounty hunter. + ―KingShultzIsMyWaifu, Feb 2015 +% +When you lose a glove or shoe, there should be a place to donate the remaining +glove or shoe to people with only one limb + ―pablosnazzy, Mar 2016 +% +When bored, you open Reddit, see the same stuff you saw an hour ago, close it, +then open it up again. Reddit is like the fridge of the Internet. + ―ManBearPigCereal, May 2016 +% +Dogs would feel so betrayed if they ever learned the majority of our short +trips out are to go eat without them. + ―Joshua_Holdiman, Sep 2016 +% +Running with scissors and scissoring with runs are both bad ideas. + ―HessesAdventure, Aug 2014 +% +The media stopped talking about Ebola as soon as there were no more patients +in the US. + ―RandomUsername1337, Nov 2014 +% +I have never seen a Starbucks commercial. + ―MentalUtopia, Mar 2015 +% +Kim Kardashian gave birth to Northwest, does that make her vagina the +Northwest Passage? + ―Kirito213, Aug 2016 +% +If you saw the world's first zombie in your front yard and killed it to save +humanity, it would just look like you murdered somebody. + ―Kidthulu, May 2014 +% +I wonder how much time is left on all the microwaves in the world that were +stopped too early right now + ―kudles, Jul 2015 +% +Does anyone else feel like they are just barely smart enough to not be +completely ignorant of how crazy our society is, but too stupid to do anything +about it? + ―MoorDakka, Jun 2016 +% +I trust the world so little, I look both ways when crossing a one-way sreet. + ―aceofspadez4790, Jul 2016 +% +I'm such a lazy shit that I actively avoid YouTube links on Reddit, because I +don't have time for a video. + ―Wo0dles, Sep 2016 +% +Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, +runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend +it on? Mushrooms. + ―Mustard_sammy, Apr 2015 +% +I wish the US would invade the US to build functioning roads and establish a +democracy. + ―king_gick, Apr 2016 +% +Saturday is the day you waited six days for just so you could do nothing. + ―mapsmail999, Jun 2016 +% +If you were illiterate, alphabet soup would just be noodles. + ―Ibelieveitsbutter, Jan 2014 +% +I wonder if people in Mexico ever complain about jobs in America stealing all +their Mexicans. + ―FedoraTipper15, Sep 2015 +% +There should be a mode on cell phones where you input how long you need the +battery to last, and the phone will do everything it can to get to that point. + ―iamstarbucks, Jul 2016 +% +As I've grown older I've realized that Santa likes rich kids more than +everyone else + ―RKstankypants, Dec 2014 +% +Now that I'm an adult, if I ever found a portal to Narnia in my closet I would +probably start storing things in Narnia. I imagine building a large storage +shed on Narnia property. I wonder if zoning would be an issue... + ―bmorebeardly, Jan 2016 +% +"Angry Birds" and "Grand Theft Auto" are both about destroying things while +flipping the bird at pigs. + ―ukiyo1, Apr 2016 +% +If aliens actually landed, there would be conspiracy theories explaining why +they didn't. + ―whatdoyouwantwarren, May 2016 +% +The first tissue in every box should be attached to the cardboard lid so it +pulls out as you open the pack, rather than awkwardly grabbing 3 or 4 tissues +trying to get just one. + ―HeelFromDownUnder, Oct 2016 +% +A birth certificate is effectively a baby receipt + ―[deleted], Jul 2014 +% +Starting a family is like starting a really big group project. + ―TheEpicEpileptic, Nov 2015 +% +Most of the time.. When you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the +time when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time when you're +happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time... + ―ubuntulive, Aug 2016 +% +The trunk of an elephant is at the front, the trunk of a tree is in the middle +and the trunk of a car is at the back. + ―CLBUK, Sep 2016 +% +Tree houses force trees to hold up the corpses of their fallen brothers and +let children play inside of them. + ―j_birdy, Jul 2013 +% +With the advent of the smart phone, I probably learn more on the toilet than +anywhere else in the house. + ―SirWizzleoftheTeets, Dec 2014 +% +I'm at the age when having 'an adult night with the husband' means eating +fudgicles on the couch and watching a movie with swear words. + ―NewMaterialOnly, May 2015 +% +I wonder how many strangers have stories about me. + ―tanzmeister, Jun 2015 +% +The more you get to know someone, the less you use their name + ―thriftyshane, Nov 2015 +% +I'd like to see a Forrest Gump sequel about his incredibly intelligent son, +who has miserable luck and constantly finds himself in bleak situations. + ―Cops_Are_Stupid_Pigs, Jan 2016 +% +The ultimate aim of every charity is to close itself down due to it no longer +being needed. + ―Su1cidalduck, Dec 2014 +% +I had no involvement in your life at all until you read this sentence + ―captainjoo, Dec 2014 +% +Is a subpar golfer good or bad? + ―geeeer, Apr 2015 +% +There is nothing more childish than the desire to grow up + ―fireysaje, Apr 2015 +% +When the book for a class is written by a professor, it feels like they're +trying to give me their mixtape. + ―Shobzz, Aug 2015 +% +Free WiFi would probably be more helpful at a sperm bank than a magazine. + ―Ace_of_Clubs, Oct 2015 +% +A poodle is literally a wolf in sheep's clothing. + ―Otaivi, Feb 2016 +% +Everyone who said, "long live the queen" didn't think it would actually work +this well. + ―The_Regal_Noble, Apr 2016 +% +The US is the world's 'Florida man'. + ―atoddlershothis, May 2016 +% +The reason why cartoons took place so early on the weekends was to keep kids +on a school schedule + ―jamjam1090, Oct 2016 +% +People in the year 9999 might claim that the Gregorian Calendar ends there and +that Italians predicted that the universe would then end. + ―SYLOH, Jun 2015 +% +Batman still lives at home in his parents basement + ―Dolanduck1, Jul 2016 +% +If a movie bombs at the box office they should release all the footage to see +if someone could edit together a better movie. + ―TimetravelingGuide, Aug 2016 +% +Every time you pull someone out of a car to steal it in videogames, that +person wasn't wearing a seatbelt. + ―Salizmo, Jun 2014 +% +There are 492 billionaires in the world. Not one of those losers has become +Batman + ―DarylDixion, Feb 2015 +% +Hindus revere cows as being sacred. The rest of the world kills and eats cows +on an enormous scale. No holy war waged, props to them... + ―VonEemsington, Sep 2015 +% +It's weird that nipples are the most "obscene" part of the boob when that's +the part everyone has, while the part unique to women, the round squishy part, +is pretty much fair game. + ―newheart_restart, Apr 2016 +% +When someone says they've lost 2 or 3 pounds in a short amount of time, I +picture them taking a giant dump and then stepping on the scale in victory. + ―I_was_serious, Sep 2016 +% +Babies cry over little things, because everything bad that happens to them, is +literally the worst thing that's ever happened. + ―fukkmedaddy, Oct 2016 +% +"you aren't" and "you're not" mean the same thing and use the same words but +have different contractions. + ―Phuffu, Nov 2014 +% +So, if there was a Mexican guy with the last name Rita, we would call him +señor Rita + ―raistlinX, Dec 2014 +% +being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every +choice sounds terrible + ―Squiddoo, Apr 2015 +% +behind every girls selfie is approximately 48 nearly identical photos that +just didn’t cut it. + ―jayzdubz, Sep 2015 +% +The wheel that squeaks the loudest gets the grease, but the wheel that squeaks +consistently gets replaced. + ―Cucumber-Salad, Mar 2015 +% +Every post on Reddit is NSFW because I'm not supposed to use Reddit at my work + ―Jim-The-Fish, Oct 2016 +% +Children are constantly warned not to take candy from strangers except for one +day of the year when they are encouraged to take candy from as many strangers +as possible in an elaborate ritualized and costumed ceremony. + ―maxpowerer, Oct 2016 +% +It would be ironic if snake oil was found to be the cure for cancer. + ―-Smacky-the-Frog-, Feb 2015 +% +Anne Frank and Martin Luther King Jr. were both born in the same year, yet we +associate them as being in completely different periods in history + ―sweet1337roll, Jun 2015 +% +Those who are applying to optometry school for the upcoming year will be the +Class of "2020" + ―Ometrist, Nov 2015 +% +Reddit has taught me that my thoughts are unoriginal and I'm not nearly as +funny as I think I am. + ―MediocreManX, Jan 2016 +% +If we're going to have private prisons, then the prison companies should be +payed based on how well the prisoners do once they're let out. + ―zamundan, Jul 2016 +% +Surely if tomatoes are fruits, then that makes ketchup a jam + ―m_trix, Aug 2013 +% +Beavis and Butt-head are known for being 2 of the biggest imbeciles in +society, but in reality they're 2 orphaned teenaged boys trying to finish high +school while maintaining a full time job and paying all their bills/rent. + ―nYc_dIEseL, Jul 2016 +% +My reddit account is like my social life, neither of them are popular + ―reno222, Jul 2016 +% +If moments of your life really do flash before your eyes when you die, I hope +mine are all my embarrassing moments so I'll be happy I'm dead. + ―StarryEyedLady, Oct 2016 +% +If others hear your flatulence, it was so powerful that it caused bones in +their heads to vibrate. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +Someone super famous should do an AMA but not say who they are, see if Reddit +can figure it out. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +I'm still waiting to see the people saying that we shouldn't help the refugees +and instead help the homeless veterans to actually start helping the homeless +veterans. + ―pilgrimboy, Dec 2015 +% +Belt loops are like belts for your belt. + ―TheDankyDank, Oct 2016 +% +Cake is just gay bread. + ―Anton_Lemieux, Feb 2013 +% +I wonder how many of the 2 billion views of Gangnam Style on YouTube are from +people wondering how many views the video has. + ―Gunmoontree, May 2015 +% +Stop, Drop, and Roll was always such a big deal as a kid... I really thought +I'd be on fire more than this as an adult. + ―kionae, Jun 2015 +% +Every time I read the acronym ROFL, I can't help but imagine Scooby Doo trying +to say waffle. + ―ViewedAskew, Apr 2016 +% +Seven has the word 'even' in it. Which is odd. + ―speeder272, Jun 2016 +% +There are over 7 billion people in the world and right now, not one of them +can see me. + ―yousmelllikearainbow, Jun 2014 +% +No disrespect to Flo, but aren't all guns name your own price tools? + ―MantisToboggan_AMA, Mar 2016 +% +"Mac" is an acronym for "Mac and cheese" + ―peatymasta, Oct 2013 +% +Horror movies should include a blooper section to help people relax before bed + ―dundizzle, Jul 2015 +% +I wonder if George R.R. Martin gets invited to any weddings these days? + ―ekidwell, May 2014 +% +My mom can talk to strangers on the street with perfect ease but is suspicious +of strangers on the internet. I am disturbed by the idea of talking to +strangers on the street but have no problem talking to strangers on the +internet. + ―wrestles_bears, Nov 2014 +% +When you lose weight, you're less content and more content. + ―SugaryShrimp, May 2015 +% +Someone should release a study saying the use of cell phones definitively +causes cancer. Apple and Samsung would probably find the cure for cancer in no +time. + ―kegacide, Jul 2015 +% +If a linkin park song plays in the forest and there's no one around to hear +it, in the end, does it even matter? + ―markISsolid, Sep 2015 +% +Seven and eleven both have the word even in their names. Yet they are odd +numbers. + ―fucks-not-given, Dec 2015 +% +I hope Steve Harvey doesn't announce the powerball numbers. + ―Vladimir_Is_Pootin, Jan 2016 +% +I'm not sure if it's a false memory, but I remember climbing across monkey +bars without feeling like my arms were being torn from their sockets. + ―Soultrapped, Mar 2016 +% +I wish Netflix and Hulu would tell you how many people at that moment are +watching the exact same thing as you. + ―jackieeeohhh, Apr 2016 +% +The moral of the Tortoise and the Hare shouldn't be "slow and steady wins the +race." The Tortoise only won because the Hare kept getting distracted. The +moral should instead be "stay on task." + ―primary868, Jul 2016 +% +Say “no” to drugs? It really doesn’t matter what you tell drugs because if +you’re talking to drugs, you’re taking them... + ―Dr_Mphuthi, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if in another 50 years someone will make a romantic drama about a +couple falling in love on 9/11, similar to Titanic + ―GrizzlyOwns, Sep 2016 +% +If Oscar the Grouch had a hippie brother he'd live in the recycling bin. + ―Adski673, Apr 2014 +% +Someone who refuses a request to join the mile high club doesn't give a flying +fuck. + ―occams_nightmare, Jun 2015 +% +A brain transplant would actually be a full body transplant. + ―sisepuede4477, Apr 2016 +% +In a decade or two Google Maps could have a "time travel" option where you can +see street views from the past. + ―ReservoirHotdogs, May 2013 +% +Saving porn to a usb stick makes it a sex drive. + ―TR4VE, Aug 2014 +% +it's funny that EA is making us pay so much on DLC, because their (sports) +slogan is "it's in the game" + ―ythowtoleague, Dec 2015 +% +My hope is that Deadpool completely breaks the fourth wall, grabs a boom mike, +and starts beating the hell out of somebody with it. + ―misterorange, Jan 2016 +% +"Millennials" is the new way of saying "kids these days" + ―Flawlessnessx2, Sep 2016 +% +Neckbeard would be a good name for a famous online software pirate + ―McNastee, May 2015 +% +Red Bull and KFC should do a combo deal where if you buy a case of Red Bull, +you get chicken wings for free. + ―ur_mum_was_a_hamster, Apr 2015 +% +Holding the power button to shut down your computer feels like you’re choking +someone to death. + ―xMissLovelyLadyLoki, Jul 2015 +% +The last four letters in the word 'queue' are not silent; they're just waiting +their turn + ―PokemonRuneScape, Oct 2015 +% +I hit snooze to find out how my dream ends, even though I was the one making +it up + ―GeekYogurt, Sep 2013 +% +Otters have no fucking idea space even exists. + ―[deleted], Jun 2015 +% +Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't +have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change. + ―Flerin, Oct 2016 +% +We've named our entire galaxy after the secretions of a cow's udders. + ―thechevs, Apr 2014 +% +We were all one masturbation away from not existing... + ―DuteSier, Jan 2015 +% +A meatball is just a baby meatloaf. + ―ScaryBilbo, Jun 2015 +% +It's called the 'pilot' episode because they want to see if it takes off. + ―PM_ME_YOUR_DIABBS, Dec 2015 +% +If you think about it, a plastic sword is a sword forged by the rotten flesh +of ancient beasts + ―toosah, Mar 2016 +% +We milk a cow, and let the milk age to make cheese. Then we use the cheese to +make our cow taste better. + ―Skootchy, Apr 2016 +% +You could've possibly avoided future spankings as a child by saying "Spank me +harder, Daddy" after the first one. + ―Mx993kk, Jul 2016 +% +The phrase "I never said she licked my asshole" has 7 different meanings +depending on which word you stress + ―DunkingFatMansFriend, Aug 2016 +% +The best liar you know, probably isn't the best liar you know. + ―ZappRyder, Aug 2014 +% +Lawyers sue and tailors sew but both end up with suits. + ―AssHat014, Sep 2014 +% +If I was A teenager I would buy a Burka off the Internet keep it in the trunk +of my car and steal my mother's drivers license. Whenever I want to buy beer +or alcohol I just put the burka on and go into a store and buy it and show +that my mother's ID. They wouldn't ask me to take my burka off. + ―Naptownfellow, Jan 2016 +% +The oldest person on earth has been alive for every birthday of every person +in the world + ―SinderellaMan, Jun 2013 +% +What if the star wars movies came out 4,5,6,1,2,3 as a Yoda joke? + ―XXXRebel14, Nov 2015 +% +I should theoretically be able to tell my girlfriend, an identical twin, that +her sister is bangin'. + ―BabyBelugas, Dec 2015 +% +Mountain Dew sounds more like a brand of water than a brand of soda + ―Tzarxum, Mar 2016 +% +Many of the people who say they would survive in a horror movie would NOT +survive. Think of all the times you've heard creaks while home alone and kept +browsing the internet like it was nothing. + ―Uber-A, Jun 2016 +% +16-year-old me would be totally disappointed by what kind of an adult I am now + ―wrestles_bears, Apr 2014 +% +I have twice as many ancestors as my Dad + ―eruditeseattleite, Jul 2014 +% +Pregnancy is a sexually transmitted disease, caused by an agressive +single-celled microorganism, feeding upon the host and causing rapid +cell-growth + ―chrowbech, Dec 2014 +% +In the span of my lifetime, 5 dollars has gone from being worth 5 roast beef +sandwiches to not even a single subway sandwich. + ―large-farva, Mar 2016 +% +People who don't put their dumbbells back on the rack are choosing not to lift +weights at the only time it is expected of them. + ―Hardtopickaname, Jul 2016 +% +21 "you're still a kid" 22 "you're still a kid" 23 "you're still a kid" 24 +"you're still a kid" 25 "wait, you're not married yet?" + ―literalllyfigurative, Sep 2015 +% +If there was an equivalent to Reddit gold where you would pay $5 to ban +someone from a subreddit for a month, it would sell way better than Reddit +gold. + ―Do_Ya_Like_Dags_, Jan 2016 +% +Mario Kart should have been named Mario Speedwagon. + ―AtariGraphics, Jun 2016 +% +A dentist kills a lion and people lose their heads. We've collectively +destroyed half of the planet's wildlife in the past 40 years and nobody bats +an eyelid. + ―sizzlinsausages, Aug 2015 +% +Because of the internet, Ahmed Mohamed actually blew up. + ―rawkus2g, Sep 2015 +% +Some people think that calling a bf 'Daddy' is disgusting but calling them +'baby' is ok + ―PM_ME_UR_CUM_VIDS, Aug 2016 +% +Most ELI5 posts could be turned into TIL posts if people did a little research +first. + ―johnny_appletits, Apr 2015 +% +If 10,000 hours makes you a master shouldn't I be able to sleep well every +night by now? + ―inside_the_boot, Aug 2015 +% +I would never pay for reddit gold, but I'd definitely pay a couple bucks to +anti-gild someone to show how much I hate their comment. + ―cmaddog111, Jan 2016 +% +If bad luck was real, we would have weaponized it long ago. Releasing black +cats into enemy camps. Dangling massive ladders under planes and flying over +occupied territory. Hiding mirrors under dirt on enemy roads. + ―ThatOneVRGuyFromAuz, Jun 2016 +% +The kids in the movie Jumanji didn't know how to play Jumanji. Instead of +rolling the dice and taking turns as fast as possible they sat around waiting +for each turns consequence to unravel. + ―qtg, Jun 2014 +% +Isn't the freshness date on the milk carton really a spoiler alert? + ―PublicPool, Apr 2015 +% +Does a Columbus Day sale mean that I can just come in your store, kill your +employees, take all your shit, and then claim the place as my own? + ―broletariat_, Oct 2015 +% +The first human to watch the sun set probably thought to himself "This is not +good." + ―DimethyItryptamine, Mar 2016 +% +Binge watching a TV show for 8 hours is more socially acceptable then playing +a videogame for 2 hours. + ―Dreamlite, Sep 2016 +% +Evolution-wise, going out in space might be similar to getting out of the +ocean. + ―eneomaos, May 2015 +% +To clean something you must get another thing dirty. + ―vansevs, Jun 2013 +% +Our blood type should be printed on our drivers license + ―knads259, Apr 2015 +% +If I fuel my car with ethanol, the answer to "is there any alcohol in your +vehicle?" would always be yes + ―superhelical, May 2015 +% +Looking back, not buying a high school class ring was a really good financial +move. + ―blackfalcon515, Oct 2016 +% +The internet uses many terms relating to water. I can surf the web, stream a +video, or wait until my computer freezes. + ―r_il, Oct 2016 +% +Shoes are portable floors. + ―RecordingInProgress, Nov 2014 +% +A troll dropping F-bombs in a flame war is not as exciting as those terms make +it sound. + ―Jade_Lance, Jun 2015 +% +There should be a charity that works with hospitals and Netflix to give +patients a temporary Netflix subscription while hospitalized + ―BaronVonPoop, Jun 2015 +% +Philosophy is like masturbation. It feels great while you're doing it but, it +gets you nowhere, and when you're done there's a bigger mess than when you +started + ―OnlyBADJokes, Jul 2016 +% +I'll only rate your app after you've annoyed me enough about it and I need a +place to blow off the steam about how annoying your app reminders are. + ―PM_ME_KITTENS_PLEASE, Jul 2016 +% +The man claiming he'll bring jobs back is best known for firing people + ―FuckoffDemetri, Aug 2016 +% +Your lips don't touch when you say "touch" but touch when you say "separate". + ―INeedWelfare, Sep 2014 +% +Sometimes I wish I was a pet fish, only to experience that moment when it +suddenly starts raining food. + ―GRRM_is_my_mum, May 2015 +% +Along with "reddit gold" there should be "reddit bullshit" that you can award +when you really think someone is lying + ―fruityruity, Jun 2015 +% +If sex is called Intercourse, shouldn't masturbation be called Intracourse? + ―captmotorcycle, Dec 2015 +% +I'm at least two times more likely to view a post that has a NSFW tag. + ―bigtuna7O, May 2016 +% +I haven't written the cent symbol (¢) since second grade math class. + ―Filly14, Aug 2016 +% +Fewer people have stood in my shower than have been in space. + ―Sinnic, May 2013 +% +If my dog has a pill that keeps mosquitos, ticks and fleas away from her for a +month, why don't humans have the same? + ―Lefty76, Jun 2016 +% +I wish I could meet everyone born at the exact same time as I was and compare +each of our lives up to this point. + ―trance_lovers, Jul 2016 +% +Slow wifi pisses me off more than not having wifi at all + ―Imjustmisunderstood, Aug 2016 +% +The definitions of "man" and "human" should be swapped, so that "man" means +all of us, and then the sub types of man are wo-man and hu-man. + ―magicaxis, Apr 2014 +% +Telling women to cover themselves to avoid rape is like telling people to +build a simple-poor looking house to not get robbed. + ―makantidur95, May 2016 +% +Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths. + ―trance_lovers, Jul 2016 +% +Instagram would be a good name for a weed vending machine. + ―rbenayad, Mar 2015 +% +Because telescopes work using mirrors, we will never know if space is full of +space vampires. + ―booksandflowers, Apr 2016 +% +At some point in the future, some parents are going to walk in on their kid +masturbating while immersed in VR, and he's just going to keep going. + ―tyson1988, May 2016 +% +chocolate lava cake is still only chocolate magma cake until you start eating +it. + ―theBaconBadger, Oct 2016 +% +I can tell how productive I was, at work, by how much battery my cell phone +has left when I leave. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +If you put the word anal in front of most Ford vehicle names, it's hilarious. + ―physicalcliff, Jan 2015 +% +Maybe I've always felt pain 100 times worse than everyone else, I'm just +unknowingly the world's toughest badass. + ―Chwana, Sep 2015 +% +My 6yo, already a hardcore gamer, has learned to associate the word "boss" +with something blatantly evil, incredibly powerful and something you must +destroy in order to get ahead... + ―indicava, Oct 2015 +% +The song "happy birthday" doesn't have any verbs. + ―fake_plants, Dec 2015 +% +Religion is like the world's longest game of "telephone' + ―Cl0s3tStoner, Mar 2016 +% +The best way to ruin a moment is to try and capture it + ―SmackEh, Apr 2016 +% +Chinese tourists travel abroad and buy souvenirs made in China. + ―Porcelaindahl, Jul 2016 +% +Keyboards should have a removable crumb tray like toasters so you can get all +that gunk out. + ―witchsbrew, Oct 2014 +% +With the amount of "stop, drop, and roll" education I received growing up, I +kinda thought catching on fire would be a more common problem as an adult. + ―fdubzou, May 2015 +% +"Slut" is an anagram of "lust" + ―teddy098, Oct 2013 +% +I'd pay a lot of money to see a "narration battle" between Morgan Freeman, +Mike Rowe, James Earl Jones, and Sam Elliott + ―ZeusThunder369, Nov 2015 +% +In less than 72 hours, Niantic has turned all of our sophisticated smartphones +back into Gameboy Colors. + ―sadscumclub, Jul 2016 +% +Benjamin Button was born a baby sized old man, so it doesn't make sense he +died as a regular baby. He should have been an old man sized baby. + ―kdubs412, Oct 2016 +% +There should be an American Idol for new TV shows, where we get to vote for +the shows we want to see developed based off of pilot episodes. + ―Oats4days, May 2015 +% +The Leaning Tower of Pisa in ITALY is ITALICISED + ―PoppyLam15, Oct 2015 +% +Instead of being a reporter shouldn't superman have been a doctor as clark +kent? Then he could secretly use his x-ray vision to find tumors and cancers +and save more lives! + ―guitarium, Jul 2016 +% +We have two minutes to live but breathing resets the clock. + ―160regiment, Oct 2016 +% +FedEx should hire DMX for a series of commercials. He could sing X-Gon' Give +it to Ya while he's delivering packages door to door. + ―NsRhea, Aug 2014 +% +If God orchestrated evolution, then he went through a phase playing with +dinosaurs + ―pancake17, May 2015 +% +I go on Facebook to see stupid comments from people I know and I go on Reddit +to see smart comments from strangers. + ―Dillathon, Aug 2015 +% +Some day soon in the future when we have free wifi everywhere, there are going +to be hipster cafés offering wifi free zones. + ―nononononookyes, Oct 2015 +% +The people that design bills/coins (dollar, euros etc.) are paid with their +own work. + ―Thaenor, Jan 2015 +% +Police officers should wear red and blue light up shoes for when they chase +people on foot. + ―Hamhoos, Mar 2015 +% +We really gave Bruce Almighty a pass when he yanked the moon closer to the +earth and inadvertently killed of millions of people with tidal floods. + ―caesar315, Oct 2016 +% +Please don't create a twitter account that tweets these posts, we don't want +this sub to get flooded with teenagers. + ―Enjoiiiii, Oct 2013 +% +People who are just now discovering Reddit must be really confused + ―TrueBlue41, Jul 2015 +% +If you lived at 123 Fake St, no one would ever believe you. + ―nerga, Apr 2016 +% +"Literally" has become the new "totally" among the new generations + ―wtfreakx, Aug 2016 +% +Netflix should have an "I'm feeling lucky" button that shows a random movie/TV +show + ―Pm-me-your-pineapple, Aug 2014 +% +Ginger was the only true Spice girl + ―WearItLikeArmor, Mar 2015 +% +Sir Ian McKellen is literally a gay lord. + ―Algaroth, Oct 2015 +% +Whenever someone says their zodiac sign is enough to describe them on its own, +it is. But probably not for the reason they think. + ―Bebhead, Feb 2016 +% +The world needs a "bullshit blocker" app that automatically removes Facebook +posts already debunked by Snopes. + ―MartyMcFly7, Mar 2016 +% +Millions of people have searched for "pitbull" and then "pitbull dog". + ―cryingblackman, Apr 2016 +% +Getting out a piece of paper while doing calculations is basically getting +your brain extra RAM + ―Lollecoaster, Sep 2016 +% +"Fuck the Police" would be the perfect name for a cop dating site + ―dbrank, Dec 2014 +% +Timmy Turner turned 23 yesterday. That means he's old enough to have kids who +have fairy godparents. + ―zeppelin1234, Mar 2015 +% +If Netflix really wants people to stop sharing accounts and pay individually, +they should just start offering porn + ―the_mystery_snail, Mar 2016 +% +There should be bloopers at the end of horror films to relax the viewer before +sleeping. + ―xZEEFx, Sep 2016 +% +Somewhere in the world, there is a specific location where I'm going to +die... I wonder how many times I've been there.. + ―Nope__Nope__Nope, Jun 2014 +% +There should be a dating site called eBae + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +A reality show in which CEOs have to live off their lowest paid employee's +salary for a month. + ―cowboy_dan505, Sep 2015 +% +Reddit contains things I care about from people I don't care about. Facebook +contains things I don't care about from people I care about. + ―Team2342hp, Mar 2016 +% +Companies should hire viners to make 6 second long ads on youtube. + ―zenco25, May 2016 +% +Everything on earth is either a banana or not a banana. + ―Jackpot09, May 2016 +% +If you pay for something entirely with pocket change, it kinda feels like it +was free. + ―gremlinclr, Jul 2016 +% +Universities should be free upfront and take 10% of your earnings for the +first 10 years of your career. So they would be motivated to teach you useful +stuff. + ―JesseIMcLennan, Sep 2016 +% +Now that I'm a parent I realize that my parents always wanted me to go to bed +early because they wanted to go to bed early... + ―HoppingRaptor, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if Dogs bark inside their heads, like we speak inside ours.. + ―cmf8, Oct 2016 +% +Butt dial and booty call are so similar, but so different + ―SSSFMaster, Jul 2014 +% +Another name for cocktail sauce is dickbutt sauce + ―dcouncil, Jan 2015 +% +Next time someone invents something important, name it something that rhymes +with orange and put poets out of their misery. + ―AWeezer, Sep 2015 +% +I'm friends on Facebook with someone I share a full name with. When he posts a +status that none of his friends like, I should like it so all his Facebook +friends think he liked his own status since no one else would. + ―DrJohnCena, Oct 2015 +% +It's stupid to say you were "born in the wrong generation of music." Music +from the past is more accessible now than it was during the time period. + ―You_coward, May 2016 +% +It's probably good Harambe was shot - "dicks out for dead kids" really +wouldn't get the same sort of support. + ―HerrDoktorLaser, Sep 2016 +% +You could create a company called "The Leading Brand" to screw with +commercials. + ―PM_ME_STORY_IDEAS, Jul 2014 +% +If you yell out "God is great!" at an airport, the outcome can be very +different depending on what language you use. + ―chyaos, Nov 2015 +% +If there ever was a nuclear war, I'd want the results to be less Fallout 4 and +more Adventure Time + ―inform880, Dec 2015 +% +"CTRL+Z" would be a good brand name for morning after pills. + ―wee_froggy, May 2016 +% +From the viewpoint of the Simpsons characters, Itchy And Scratchy has +hyperrealistic animation. + ―UltraCow1, May 2014 +% +Today I looked down and could see my chest actually move a little bit from my +heartbeat. Being alive is pretty interesting when you stop to actually look at +it. + ―IceArrows, Nov 2014 +% +If I can't have peanuts on an airplane, then you should have to vaccinate your +stupid fucking kids. + ―kosecki, Feb 2015 +% +Guns are basically just an advanced way for people to throw rocks at each +other. + ―Hobosock, Aug 2013 +% +Remember 100 years ago when owning a horse was commonplace but owning a car +was a luxury? Now it's reversed. + ―lordpond, Jul 2014 +% +I should start a magazine called Alzheimer's weekly where the same magazine is +published every week. + ―wubbbalubbadubdub, Aug 2015 +% +At one point in out lives we became self aware, but we were too young to +understand the gravity of that event. + ―WhatTheWhoAmI, Jan 2016 +% +In 2015, not only will we have pi day, the year at the end will make the date +say "3-14-15". Plus, there will be one fleeting moment at 9:26 where the +decimal places of the seconds will make the next infinite digits of pi, to go +with the time and date. And it will happen twice on the same day. + ―9315808, Nov 2014 +% +I should start a band that does country versions of U2 songs and call it +Y'all2. + ―jayceay, Jun 2015 +% +Mitt Romney is like the villain in season 1 that was defeated by the main hero +and is now returned in season 2 as the Antihero on the good guy's team to help +defeat the real villain + ―UBRS, Mar 2016 +% +A receipt is like an obituary for my money + ―thesongofmyppl, May 2016 +% +In reality, most "90's kids" are actually nostalgic for the early 2000's. + ―floopykid, Aug 2016 +% +I think of public toilets as dirty but really they get cleaned far more +frequently than my toilet at home. + ―buzzjimsky, Oct 2016 +% +Salt is just a rock that we find tasty. + ―Darklicorice, Jul 2013 +% +If you get straight to the point, you are described as blunt. + ―I_Touch_Myself_A_Lot, Oct 2014 +% +NSFL shouldn't be just a hyperbolic version of NSFW. It should go like this: +NSFW for sexy stuff, NSFL for death and/or gore-related content. Every time I +see the NSFW tag I'm like "cool, boobs" and then BOOM... dead body. + ―Honka_Honka, Jan 2015 +% +Everyone tells teenagers that they don't know what love is. But everyone wants +to feel like a teenager when they fall in love. + ―kylar505, May 2015 +% +My mom is literally a bodybuilder. + ―eLEETEST_H4X02, May 2015 +% +what if condoms had temporary tattoos on the inside so like when you rolled +off the condom there was a picture of a dinosaur on your dick + ―DirtyD_InTheMorning, Aug 2015 +% +Salty has replaced bitter as the flavor of being upset. + ―thejellydude, Dec 2015 +% +If a toy from Toy Story died, the kids wouldn't know, and the other toys would +have to watch the kids play with their corpses. + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +You'll know your English is really good when people you meet stop saying that +your English is really good. + ―danpetrovic, Jun 2016 +% +My lips don't touch when I say, "touch" but they do when I say, "separate" + ―UsernameNumber6, Jun 2016 +% +The flowers in my vase are just plants on life support. + ―Cocoyster, Oct 2016 +% +If the 9/11 attacks had instead occurred on April 20th, nobody would ever say +"4/20 blaze it" + ―AWildHipsterAppears, Dec 2013 +% +Is gay marriage legal during the purge? + ―I_Sell_Moon_Rocks, Jul 2014 +% +Shaving your head is the "You can't fire me because I quit" approach to male +pattern baldness. + ―DeathStarDriveBy, Mar 2014 +% +Are the people who don't signal on the road also the kind of the people who +have communication issues in their own lives? + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +I literally cannot come up with a better business partnership than putting +McDonalds in Walmart + ―CockOfTheRock, Feb 2015 +% +Mars would have a totally new set of world records. + ―AYOPM_ME_DEM_TITTIES, May 2015 +% +People who have Celiac disease must be super grateful for all the hipsters +that only pretend to be gluten free, because their food options have expanded +rapidly over the last few years + ―FlackJacket, Nov 2015 +% +When you turn 30, you'll have lived about a full month of your life as your +birthday. + ―yesitsnicholas, Jan 2016 +% +Telling a girl to calm down is like baptizing a cat + ―BookerGinger, Mar 2016 +% +I have a weird grudge against stingrays ever since one killed Steve Irwin. + ―Land-Stander, Sep 2016 +% +Killing one bird with one stone seems hard enough + ―r_il, Oct 2016 +% +Coffins are just fancy trash cans for people + ―vndrewcharles, Apr 2016 +% +The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook. + ―northwitch, Sep 2016 +% +If I could swap the urge to masturbate and the urge to work out I could be +competing in World's Strongest Man by next Tuesday + ―ClintBe4stwood, Oct 2016 +% +Every time the Bayer family took Aspirin, they got a taste of their own +medicine. + ―Indestructavincible, Apr 2015 +% +Never is a shortened version of "not ever"... i feel like I am supposed to +have known this... + ―razorphone, Sep 2016 +% +Youtube should add a feature whereby a bar shows the viewer the average time +previous viewers made it through the video + ―betathanyours, Jul 2014 +% +I wonder if my cat thinks my plant did something wrong when I mist it with a +spray bottle + ―randomhoneyballs, Aug 2014 +% +We call people assholes,dicks and pussies but nobody call each other nipples + ―MacDaddy916, Nov 2014 +% +The game "Kiss, Kill, or Marry" could also conceivably be called "Fork, Knife, +or Spoon" + ―patrickoriley, Dec 2015 +% +I think the first person to have a mohawk hairstyle was just trying to even up +his sideburns and got carried away + ―ottguy42, Jun 2016 +% +The older I get, the more I think a mostly boring life (i.e., drama-free, +routine, calm) life is very much underrated. + ―YodaLisa, Jul 2016 +% +If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by +intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.. + ―FourWordReplies, Oct 2016 +% +This is the only subreddit where it pretty much requires that you were naked +when thinking of a post, but the post has nothing to do with you being naked. + ―MasterJuanB, May 2013 +% +If you're an interracial couple that's into S&M, I bet it's really hard to +avoid painful historical allegories. + ―ReluctantRedditor275, Sep 2013 +% +What if the perfect crime actually has been committed, and no one ever heard +about it because it was perfect. + ―FrodoSwagginz, Nov 2013 +% +The news starts with someone saying "Good evening", and then giving reasons as +to why it's not. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +If Digg had used Reddit's "Gold" System, users could have been Gold Diggers. + ―a_rabid_squirrel, Jul 2015 +% +Out of all the graffiti I've seen in my life I've never actually seen someone +doing it. + ―AltairEgos, Jan 2016 +% +In the 24 hour clock, 24 hours is never displayed. + ―Lanadre, Apr 2016 +% +The Miis on your Wii have been standing in a completely empty room for years +now. + ―makehappyy, Oct 2016 +% +Air Force training should be called Air Conditioning. + ―enchiladagram, Apr 2014 +% +if dicks shrunk for lying (instead of noses growing), then the world would be +a lot more honest + ―throwawayofaperson, Mar 2015 +% +The Steam Summer Sale, is like the opposite of piracy. Instead of playing +games you'll probably never pay for, you pay for games you'll probably never +play. + ―Resentful_Toucan, Jun 2016 +% +Nothing compares to the anxiety you have when your mom leaves you in the +cashier line at the grocery store to go get more food and doesn't come back in +time when its your turn + ―flamexdz, Sep 2016 +% +We live in a society so selfish that people get offended FOR other people so +they get attention + ―One_pop_each, Sep 2016 +% +Does anybody else randomly zones out while reading, coming up realizing you +don’t know what happened in the last two paragraphs? + ―dumbostrich, Oct 2016 +% +Baby-boomers have become the people that they protested against in the 60s + ―punkfiveo, Jan 2016 +% +U2 were able to get on to everyone's iPhones, but the FBI cannot. + ―imstaceysdad, Feb 2016 +% +Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear masks? Are they afraid that +someone will discover their actual identities... giant muscular bipedal +turtles? + ―JustDudeStuff, Aug 2016 +% +It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia should do a crossover episode with Bar +Rescue + ―kirbstomp4, Jan 2015 +% +Having "active shooter" drills in schools is teaching your shooters where +you'll be hiding. + ―9thjames, Dec 2015 +% +Humans can literally look at invented squiggles on a screen, hear the sound +each squiggle represents, combine those sounds in their heads to form a story, +analyse the stories to understand their meanings, and then feel some form of +emotional response all so we could shitpost on Reddit. + ―Wasabi69, Dec 2015 +% +Because of time zone differences, New Year's eve day is like people doing "the +wave" on a global scale. + ―le_reddit_armi, Dec 2015 +% +Is it "milk them for all they're worth" or "milk them for all their worth?" + ―idekmanidk, Aug 2016 +% +I can tell that I just Googled a stupid question when Yahoo Answers is one of +the top hits. + ―Apoplexy__, Jun 2015 +% +If you're ugly, fat and not a talkative person, people will think you're +odd. If you're good looking, fit and not a talkative person, people will find +you mysterious. + ―[deleted], Nov 2015 +% +Ever consider how weird emojis are? As a civilization, we've spent thousands +of years refining the craft of the written word, then one day someone's like: +you know what we really need? Hieroglyphs. + ―solounhombre, Dec 2015 +% +The number of people who are older than you will never increase, but is +constantly decreasing. + ―MajorLeagueGreg, Jul 2016 +% +I wonder how many times I walked past or made small talk with someone who was +on their way to murder someone. + ―yarrpiracy, Nov 2013 +% +Saying "I think outside the box" is using a tired, worn-out cliche to claim +you are an original thinker. + ―anotherbeersalesman, Nov 2014 +% +The Cheez-It wheel is a genius. By acting immature he will never be ground up +and turned into cheese snacks. + ―KaptainKoala, Nov 2014 +% +"Queue" is just "Q" followed by 4 silent letters. + ―SkyeAuroline, Jan 2015 +% +Sniffing every tree and lamppost on our morning walk is my dogs equivalent of +me checking social media after I wake up. + ―alldryanddusty, May 2015 +% +If an angel were to come speak to me, I'd be more convinced I had +schizophrenia than that God existed. + ―psychyness, Jul 2015 +% +Someone should start a knockoff electric car company called "Edison" where +they rebrand and resell Teslas + ―mwhaskin, Oct 2015 +% +I would be significantly more productive if experience points popped up every +time I completed a task/activity + ―BionicHawki, May 2016 +% +If I were to kill someone that I really hated I would cremate them and plant +their ashes with a tree. Then several years later I'll burn down the tree and +kill that person again. + ―Sham129, Jul 2016 +% +Rednecks wear mullets so they don't get their necks red + ―aMgWell, Aug 2016 +% +I've lived my entire life only 10 miles from outer space but I've never been +there. + ―Eyelemon, Aug 2015 +% +Kids are going to start assuming that the phrase "twiddling your thumbs" means +messing around on your phone. + ―ldsuckers, Dec 2015 +% +If they ever make Star Wars prequels that turn out to be terrible, I'm just +going to forget that they ever happened. + ―chinagreenelvis, Jun 2016 +% +If a Redditor created their account on February 29th, does the Cake Day icon +only appear every 4 years? + ―theslothoverlord, Aug 2014 +% +Dumbledore should really do background checks before hiring new professors. + ―Zenguard, Jul 2015 +% +I've seen far more people be offended by 'Happy Holidays' than 'Merry +Christmas.' + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +It's kinda nuts that a 5 billion year old thermonuclear reaction 30 million km +away can burn you while you mow the lawn. + ―Wynward, Jun 2016 +% +Life is free to play, and it's also pay to win. + ―ben_uk, Jun 2014 +% +The reason Patrick Star is oblivious to everything is because he literally +lives under a rock + ―highhoping, Aug 2014 +% +Every time you paint a room, it becomes smaller. Every time you paint an +object, it becomes larger. + ―Gergs, Mar 2015 +% +None of your direct ancestors died a virgin. + ―supersynthetic, May 2015 +% +I'm just glad that milk doesn't have any pulp. + ―texastruhbles, May 2015 +% +Your ass is your leg's shoulder + ―chapelhillkid, Oct 2015 +% +There should be a technology subreddit called explainitlikeimseventy + ―FourArmz, Dec 2015 +% +I've never once been offered free drugs by a stranger, even though I was told +this would be a common threat. + ―IM_THE_MOON_AMA, Jun 2015 +% +Pulled hamstrings sound delicious if you don't know what they are. + ―ozconsoul, Jan 2016 +% +If OJ Simpson never knifed his wife, Rob Kardashian and his demon spawn would +be completely irrelevant. + ―xpanicked, Mar 2016 +% +I don't need to check Reddit every day - if I miss a popular post, I'll see it +again in a few months. + ―discard22616, Apr 2016 +% +You can't actually bite down. You can only bite up. + ―Glaive77, Sep 2016 +% +Every time a celebrity dies, there's somebody racing to Wikipedia to edit "is" +to "was" on their page. + ―gordie44, Oct 2016 +% +If we invent time travel, we could theoretically use it to preserve food. Your +refrigerator would suspend food in time instead of keeping it cool. + ―flylikeaturkey, Sep 2013 +% +/r/ShowerThoughts is great because it doesn't require me to click on anything + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +When a watch battery dies, it records the time of its own death. + ―TARDIS_Salesman, Oct 2015 +% +Psy's "Gangam Style" has been watched on Youtube 2,281,389,041 times. This is +the equivalent of 18,000+ YEARS lost from the collective human species because +of Psy. + ―bisepost, Mar 2015 +% +When I open the fridge, I am not checking if there's food: I'm checking if I'm +desperate enough to actually prepare the plentiful food I have. + ―YankeeMinstrel, Sep 2016 +% +People who abstain until marriage because of the Bible are cockblocked by some +dudes from 3000 years ago + ―zfrye0, Jul 2015 +% +As a kid, I thought "Stop, drop and roll" was going to be a much more +important part of my adult life than it turned out to be. + ―Ninjamin_King, Jan 2016 +% +"I wish my net worth goes down by $0.01" is the only guaranteed wish from a +fountain. + ―TwoSaladsPlease, Jun 2016 +% +Life has gotten way easier for horses in the last century + ―PatAunces, Sep 2014 +% +If you're ever in a burning building, take the elevator. The fire will not be +expecting that. + ―shadow__creator, Dec 2014 +% +Kids do without thinking, adults think wothout doing. + ―shady_cucumber, May 2015 +% +People who don't use their blinkers must be horrible in relationships because +they can't even communicate a simple thought with a light. + ―NW_Green, Jun 2016 +% +If I were a dentist, I would probably not recommend the best toothpaste + ―send_me_boob-pics, May 2016 +% +Google is better at searching reddit than reddit's own search engine + ―mead93, Jun 2016 +% +Dating in your mid 20's: Finding a girl with no kids is as hard as finding a +guy that doesn't live with his parents. + ―dunchooby, Aug 2016 +% +The vast majority of toilet paper is either used to wipe the part of your body +that smells or the part of your body that smells. + ―El_Poeta_No, Aug 2016 +% +Do crabs think we walk sideways? + ―Icame2dropbombs, Jan 2015 +% +In the Lion King, Simba sings, "I Just Can't Wait to Be King" with surprising +enthusiasm, considering the primary mechanism by which princes become kings. + ―skepticaljesus, Aug 2015 +% +As a teenager, you look for every excuse to drive. As an adult, you look for +every excuse not to drive. + ―Barvoucher, Apr 2016 +% +You're not completely useless, you can be used as a bad example. + ―EXCELON-JE, Jul 2016 +% +A bathtub is the opposite of a boat. + ―jabraunlin, Nov 2014 +% +Why didn't Jennifer Aniston's nipples ever win an Emmy Award for their role in +the TV show "Friends" ? They were in nearly every episode and always gave a +solid performance. + ―Cropgun, Apr 2015 +% +Victoria should do an AMA explaining why she was let go + ―Kresbot, Jul 2015 +% +If I say a word that isn't in the dictionary and another person understands +what I mean, but tells me that is not a word, they are holding back the +progression of language. + ―Wait__Whut, Feb 2016 +% +When you lay awake at night, your brain is that one guy at the sleepover that +all the other organs wish would shut up and go to sleep. + ―jackleinmark, Aug 2016 +% +How I Met Your Mother is the longest Ted talk. + ―WeGottaGoFast1138, Aug 2016 +% +Your anus can release material all three states of matter. Solid, liquid, gas. + ―cupboard1, Sep 2016 +% +Halloween is the worst day to severely cut your face or hurt yourself. + ―yaknowsllanos, Oct 2015 +% +If you show up to the office with a new suit and suitcase, you look like a +professional. If you show up to a construction site in new clothes and tools, +you look like the inexperienced newbie + ―RockLeePower, May 2016 +% +If a rabbit was a pokemon, it's evolution would be a kangaroo. + ―Paddybdd, Dec 2014 +% +Buck and doe are both terms for deer. Buck and dough are both terms for cash. + ―smallpoint1, Sep 2016 +% +Drier sheets are the bay leaves of laundry + ―AJNoel, Mar 2014 +% +I should invent a new beer and call it 'Responsibly' so that you could drink +as much of it as you want and you would still be drinking responsibly. And the +other beer companies would help me with advertising by constantly advising +their customers to drink responsibly. + ―jopeylo, Aug 2014 +% +If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be +asking people why they were giving me dollars. + ―_Polite_as_Fuck, Jul 2015 +% +Google has been doing the largest AMA in history. + ―[deleted], Sep 2016 +% +It is 2016 and I can now send messages on the iPhone with balloons, GIFs, +"invisible ink", etc, but I can't bold, italicize, or underline a word. + ―dzcurly, Oct 2016 +% +Urban Dictionary will someday be a valuable resource to anthropologists +studying the 21st century + ―Lonelyshoelace, Oct 2016 +% +"United States of America" is an anagram for "I use fears to dictate man." + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +Schrödinger's Redditor: A Redditor who is both a male and a female, until the +moment they reveal their gender to you. + ―bertonomus, Jun 2015 +% +Our sun is part of a constellation that we are unaware exists + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +Women in porn love cumshots because it means their shift is over... + ―Andrew6, Mar 2016 +% +I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself when he is ironing + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +If Bruce Willis dies from Viagra overdose, the headline will read "Bruce +Willis Dies Hard." + ―kachumbar, Jul 2016 +% +On internet people don't want to hear your opinion. They just want to hear you +saying their opinion. + ―SamwiseGamegeeTheFag, Sep 2016 +% +Your outdoor cat might have another owner + ―yegor3219, Dec 2014 +% +Most of my friends with detailed plans on how they’d survive a zombie +apocalypse lose their shit when a small insect enters the room. + ―NoTalentUK, Jul 2015 +% +It sucks when I read read as read and not read, so I have to re-read read as +read so I can read read correctly and it can make sense... + ―AvoidMySnipes, Aug 2016 +% +If you enjoy having sex with transient homeless people, you're a hobosexual. + ―ReluctantRedditor275, Nov 2013 +% +The closest I have come to murder is holding my cookie in my milk until the +bubbles stop + ―ihalpk, Mar 2016 +% +Dishwasher racks are perfectly designed to hold certain sized dishes and cups +I've never owned in my lifetime. + ―mrglubglub, May 2016 +% +The best/worst part of dreaming is that first fifteen seconds after waking up, +when you frantically worry "What am I going to do with all those giraffes and +meth?" only to slowly realize it's not an actual problem. + ―trostlerp, Jul 2016 +% +Learning "Eye of the Tiger" on guitar is the only time you'll have montage +music while you're learning something. + ―funatronicsblake, Jul 2016 +% +The part of a man's body where the inner thighs meet the crotch should be +called "cockpits" + ―c0r0nawlime, Nov 2014 +% +Everyone gets three random wishes granted in his or her lifetime, but almost +all of them are wasted on things like "I wish this light would turn green, +already!" or "I wish it would stop raining." + ―ghoti00, Apr 2014 +% +When uneducated Muslims in the Middle East see pictures of KKK members, do +they think it's a group of women? + ―reediculus1, Jul 2014 +% +When I was younger taking selfies meant you were a loser who didn't have any +friends to hold the camera for you. + ―RinRehlert, Feb 2015 +% +It would be cool if Google could identify nature sounds the same way it does +with songs and shows (like Shazam). That way we could know which animal or +insect is making whichever noise we hear. + ―MunkyPhuck, Apr 2015 +% +I'm constantly torn between not wanting to die alone and generally wanting to +be left alone. + ―Dodgeriscool, Sep 2015 +% +"Crunchyroll" (the anime streaming service) should come out with a hentai +service called "Spicyroll". + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +The board game Life should have a third route to take at the beginning called +"Thug life" but it's not up the the player if they go or not. + ―Papa_Long_Dong, Mar 2016 +% +Google Street View Should Have A "Time Travel" Feature So That Future +Generations Can See What Places Looked Like In The Past. + ―overzealoushobo, Jun 2016 +% +Laugher is the best medicine, but if you're laughing for no apparent reason, +you need medicine. + ―IHaveNoUsernaemIdeas, Jul 2016 +% +Nature Valley bars make so many crumbs because they want you to eat them +outside. + ―LawrenceThickweiner, Apr 2014 +% +If I live to be 113 I will have been a teenager twice. + ―TravisG15, May 2015 +% +Microsoft would be a horrible name for a brand of condoms. + ―Omahahasob, Aug 2015 +% +I like to imagine that Satan has this adorable goat pen out back where he +lovingly tends to all the goats that have been sacrificed to him. + ―freeflyrooster, Jun 2016 +% +There should be an app that claims to detect pregnancies, just to see how many +girls piss on their phones + ―MoonManMooningMan, Nov 2015 +% +Halloween is a great day to be a burglar. You can dress in all black, wear a +mask, and carry your loot around in a sack with a dollar sign on it. + ―the_y_of_the_tiger, Oct 2014 +% +If I used the term "Walmart sized people", you'd know exactly who I was +talking about. + ―XBOXeiner, Dec 2015 +% +As a guy I sometimes wish someone would ask me "Does the carpet match the +drapes?" So I can tell them there is no carpet only hard wood. + ―Tman972, May 2016 +% +The only reason celebrities always tell people to "follow their dreams" is +because they're part of the small percentage of people for whom that actually +worked. + ―probably_not_serious, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder if the rate of crime drops drastically when it rains + ―amukay, Jul 2014 +% +I just realized I prefer Reddit to Facebook. This means I'm more interested in +what strangers have to say, rather than my friends. + ―cats_lasers_reddit, Nov 2014 +% +They *should* make another "Taken" movie, about Liam Neeson's character being +under-appreciated for trying to keep his family safe. "Taken 4: Granted" + ―hgbleackley, Feb 2015 +% +Oil is created from the remains of death. We've pumped death out of the +ground, powered our society by it, and with the subsequent climate change, +that death is slowly killing the society/environment. + ―icaaryal, Mar 2016 +% +If you treat sick animals, you may be considered a veterinarian. If you fought +for Germany in WWII, you may be considered a veteran Aryan. + ―stayhungry-stayfree, Oct 2016 +% +If you replace the "W"in Where, What and When with a "T" you answer the +question. + ―t0pax, Oct 2016 +% +What if Morpheus was a drug dealer, the pill was a psychedelic, and the whole +movie was just Neo tripping the fuck out + ―laibok, Oct 2014 +% +Uber should have a service called Muber, which has drivers with big cars who +are willing to help you carry stuff and move. + ―Gringou, Aug 2015 +% +If a bartender can refuse to serve alcohol to someone who is intoxicated, for +reasons of not being an accessory to furthering their inebriation to dangerous +levels. Shouldn't employees at fast food chains be able to do the same when +they have customers that could be on the show "My 600 lb Life"? + ―Leoric56, Mar 2016 +% +I don't mind advertisements at the beginning of porn videos, as it provides me +with a final opportunity for emergency volume adjustment. + ―Frosty-the-hoeman, Jun 2016 +% +I'm so used to Reddit that when I visit Facebook I get pissed when I can't +down vote a comment. + ―disastermaster254, May 2015 +% +What if every time you choke on air it's actually a ghost penis? + ―sabineastroph, Nov 2015 +% +Because of incessant advertising, most American 10 year olds have heard of +Erectile Dysfunction. + ―xnoonex, Dec 2015 +% +If you care for a chicken, you are literally a chicken tender + ―TUR_turkey_KEY, Apr 2016 +% +If I was a writer or producer for a tv show, I would end every season/break +with a cliffhanger, and go spend a couple days on reddit. Cause reddit really +does have better ideas than most writers in Hollywood. + ―BigGeorge6953, Apr 2016 +% +Mr. Crocker from Fairly Odd Parents never gives a lesson, just constant pop +quizzes on stuff he never taught. + ―Mutant_Llama1, Aug 2016 +% +Ideally my car will never touch another car. If cars were living beings they +would be super lonely. + ―AshenUrsa, Sep 2016 +% +If Dwayne Johnson has a son he should call him "The Pebble" + ―JamoJustReddit, Oct 2013 +% +I bet Pokémon Go will eventually turn into an advertising platform, selling +"ads" to local businesses by placing rare Pokémon at their location + ―ibelikepablo, Jul 2016 +% +Having an IQ of just above average is the worst. You're smart enough to notice +how stupid others are but not smart enough to make a big difference. + ―Chaff5, Feb 2016 +% +The best part about being an adult is eating two Popsicles for breakfast. The +worst part about being an adult is knowing why you shouldn't do that. + ―the_llama_hunter, Sep 2016 +% +At one point I was the youngest being in the entire universe and at another +point will be the next being to die. + ―MadLibz, Jul 2013 +% +My kids will insult me by saying I'm older than YouTube + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +There should be a dating site that uses Drivers Licence photos, so dates will +begin with low expectations + ―Just4Money, Jul 2015 +% +In most episodes of scooby doo, the bad guy hasn't actually comitted any +crime, he's just scared people away from X place so he can dig for treasure. + ―The-Princess, Apr 2016 +% +Homosexuality is older than the bible,the guy writing it had to know about +such a thing before complaining about it. + ―gloryworks, Jun 2016 +% +NBC keeps interrupting my commercial coverage with random snippets of some +Olympic ceremony. + ―Sporty311, Aug 2016 +% +Whoever discovered popcorn must have freaked the fuck out. + ―Omny87, Oct 2016 +% +If 9/11 happened two months early, 7-Eleven might have had to change their +name + ―maestroni, May 2014 +% +If I were a famous celebrity, I'd only sign autographs as a trade. It'd be +pretty cool to have a collection of thousands of fans' autographs. + ―Whind_Soull, Jun 2015 +% +Because of One-child policy, uncles and aunts will soon be a rare thing in +China. + ―Gandiline, Jul 2015 +% +If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, just remember that someone +somewhere is paying $9.99 a month for Tinder Plus. + ―wsmn16, Apr 2016 +% +No one has successfully murdered me. + ―ifurmothronlyknw, May 2016 +% +If you're deaf, every fart is a gamble. + ―budabellyx, Aug 2016 +% +Every time I hear a car alarm go off, I think "someone accidentally pushed the +alarm button" instead of "someone's car is getting broken into" + ―tetonfloater, Oct 2016 +% +The worst way to break up with a Harry Potter fan would be to give them a +sock. + ―Triforceman555, Jul 2015 +% +We're 244 Popes away from Pope DMX + ―sexual_inurendo, Oct 2015 +% +Humans have made themselves so comfortable that they build scary rides so they +can remember what it's like to shit themselves with fear. + ―madeyouangry, Oct 2016 +% +If a gif is open in another tab, and there is no one there to watch it, does +it move? + ―banditowl, Sep 2015 +% +As a kid, mail addressed to me usually meant I was getting money. As an adult, +it usually means I owe someone money. + ―maggotbrownie, Nov 2015 +% +A life-long gay guy, if born by c-section, will never touch a vagina. + ―thatblokewiththehat, Jan 2016 +% +In less than 24 hours, literally 99% of people will go back to not giving a +shit about Iowa. Their population is .97% of the US'. + ―Dunlocke, Feb 2016 +% +Condoms should come packed with a wet-nap. + ―MycoChemist, Mar 2016 +% +Whenever a kid has sadly died, the news reports they were bright and +popular. Unlikeable stupid kids are immortal. + ―Breeze_in_the_Trees, May 2016 +% +Whenever Reddit goes down, my first thought is to go to Reddit to find out +why. + ―Altephor1, Aug 2016 +% +You're the bad guy in somebody's story. + ―mandalorian222, Aug 2016 +% +KFC should sponsor a soccer team called Kentucky FC. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +Telling someone: "why are you depressed, look at how great your life is." Is +the same as saying, "What do you mean you have asthma, Look at all this air." + ―HeadPhoneKid_, Mar 2016 +% +in my head Shrek is the lead singer of SmashMouth.. + ―McFiend, Sep 2016 +% +The number of people born the same year as you is always decreasing. + ―peeorpoo, Nov 2013 +% +"pay-it-forward" chains at drive-thrus/coffeeshops are weird because the only +person getting something for free is the asshole who ends the chain + ―i_am_bike, Dec 2014 +% +If South Park did an episode about Reddit, nobody would understand the episode +but Reddit. + ―Murican_Freedom1776, Jan 2015 +% +When people post a picture of a sunset at the beach and say, "it's the little +things in life" I just realized that the Sun the Sky and the Ocean are the +three biggest things I've seen in my life... + ―nigeldickbutt, May 2015 +% +Finn was the first stormtrooper to find the droid he was looking for + ―Birdsongman, May 2016 +% +It's ironic that I have to learn how Mitosis and Meiosis work although every +single cell in my body knows it already. + ―jReX-, Oct 2016 +% +Facebook needs a verified untrue button. When enough people click it, the +viral photo or story with completely false information vanishes. + ―Po1sonator, Mar 2016 +% +YOLO is a better argument for playing it safe than it is for taking unecessary +risks. + ―shittersfull, Jul 2016 +% +Mars is currently ruled by a robot. + ―TheMeetia, Dec 2014 +% +It must be super weird for babies to fall asleep in one place and then wake up +4 hours later in a completely different place with different clothes on. + ―WilliamRandolphHurts, Jul 2016 +% +Kanye West is the person on earth with a personality and lifestyle most +similar to Derrick Zoolander + ―cptnhaddock, Jun 2015 +% +A video-game studio is probably the only workplace where it's appropriate to +talk regularly about killing a boss. + ―pearlito, Apr 2016 +% +I'm uncomfortable carrying $200 in cash, but I leave my $800 phone in places +all willy nilly. + ―M153RY, Jun 2016 +% +The word Fat just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of +the word Eat + ―stumblexpert96, Sep 2016 +% +Anytime my GF says "OMG I love this movie!", I know I'm about to watch a +terrible movie. + ―RascalsWager, Oct 2016 +% +When all the snow melts in NYC, they're gonna find all the bodies of the +people they thought weren't getting murdered. + ―AxeEffect3890, Feb 2015 +% +Professional soccer isn't mainstream in the US is because the continuous clock +doesn't allow for much commercial time, effectively preventing advertising by +corporations. + ―theTutorial, Aug 2015 +% +Dogs must think no humans love them because no one will lick them back. + ―timberwolvesguy, Aug 2015 +% +An ad I can't mute, skip or minimize will not make me want a product more. It +will make me resent the product and its maker more. + ―philipjeremypatrick, Jan 2016 +% +My 13 year old self would be appalled and disgusted by how often I'm not in +the mood to have sex with the beautiful woman who shares my bed every night. + ―ArtThouIncensedBro, Sep 2016 +% +I talk to my dog and she talks to me, yet we will go our entire lives +literally not knowing a single word that was said. + ―21CharactersIsntEnou, May 2013 +% +I wonder if there has ever been a moment since I have been alive where there +wasn't a cock in someones mouth + ―pwnzor224, Mar 2015 +% +America's funniest home videos was our parents' YouTube. + ―This_comment_has, May 2015 +% +Rappers who brag about how much money they earn in their songs, will +eventually sound really silly because of the effect of inflation. + ―NukeyTanky, Jul 2015 +% +Why do I continually make the mistake of expecting intelligent conversations +on sites where I might very well be talking to 13-year-olds? + ―Westbrook000, Aug 2015 +% +We encourage ugly people to love themselves but hate pretty people who do + ―Arkayem, Feb 2016 +% +Door-to-door salesmen were the original pop-up ad. + ―Trustworthy12, Mar 2016 +% +people who say they "believe" in science are missing the whole point of +science + ―[deleted], Jun 2016 +% +If usain bolt decided to go streaking at a major event, who would be able to +stop him? + ―NotSureIfTrolls, Sep 2016 +% +The Jetsons is to the Flintstones what Futurama is to the Simpsons. + ―trashed_culture, Sep 2016 +% +Marvel and Nickelodeon need to work together to make a live action Mermaid Man +and Barnacle Boy movie. + ―toomanygnome, Oct 2016 +% +Saying "he died doing what he loved" is possibly the worst way to console a +parent whose son has died of a drug overdose. + ―gametogenesis, May 2015 +% +Comedy Central should have a 2nd channel showing stand-up comedians 24/7. + ―BobGenghisKhan84, Oct 2015 +% +BMW drivers have a bad reputation, but I get cut off by a Chevy pickup with a +Marine Corps decal on the back at least once a day. + ―Starzajo, May 2016 +% +I've never actually heard the queen speak. + ―SPESHALBEAMCANNON, Oct 2015 +% +thanks to baseball, i'm allowed to fuck up twice before i actually get in +trouble. + ―OrangeG00se, Jul 2016 +% +If a broken clock is correct twice a day, and almost all clocks are somewhat +ahead or behind the correct time, broken clocks have the correct time more +frequently than working clocks... + ―IrrelevantNexus, Dec 2014 +% +Why is there no adult Easter egg hunt!? A hunt where inside the plastic eggs +are drink tickets for a beer garden. And brunch would be served. It would be +glorious. + ―Tiialicia, Mar 2015 +% +The sales person at a mall kiosk is the human equivalent of an internet pop-up +ad. + ―Electric_Evil, Jul 2015 +% +There are tons of skeletons in the ground wearing tuxedoes + ―yearightt, Nov 2015 +% +When we animate dogs, we give them facial features that make it easier for us +to understand their emotions. I wonder how a dog would animate a human so that +they could understand us better. + ―SnazzyJaffle, Nov 2015 +% +Wallets are just pockets that we put in our pockets. + ―Flamery, Mar 2016 +% +For all we know, Jesus did come back, but he's just sitting in a mental +institution and nobody believes him. + ―___WE-ARE-GROOT___, Jun 2015 +% +The phrase "It's all downhill from here" can mean both "It's easy the rest of +the way" or "It's all going to get worse." + ―michugana, Nov 2014 +% +The plural of cent is cents. The plural of sense is senses. The plural of +census is censuses. + ―AwesomeVark, Mar 2015 +% +The Roast of Justin Bieber should've been called The Biebercue. + ―John_Redcorn126, Apr 2015 +% +If May the 4th is Star Wars Day, July the 7th should be James Bond Day. 07/07 += Double 07. + ―[deleted], Jul 2015 +% +Why doesn't apple create a simple to use laptop, for old people, called the +granny smith.. + ―jmt627, Oct 2015 +% +If there's ever a world class Chinese goalkeeper, he'll be called The Great +Wall. + ―Illum503, Dec 2014 +% +Procrastinators are able to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of +work in the 30 minutes before it’s due + ―weegee13, Mar 2015 +% +Having a bloody nose in England must be a tough situation to explain to +another person. + ―Tannerq429, Nov 2015 +% +I'm 34 years old and I'm still not sure whether you're supposed to pee +directly into the water or against the back of the toilet. + ―HyperZoanoid, Oct 2016 +% +Kim Kardashian was recently robbed of 9$ Million. The Robbers worked harder +for that Money than she ever did. + ―Lupxel, Oct 2016 +% +If giraffes didn't exist, they would be way less plausible than unicorns. + ―hephaestion2, Mar 2014 +% +Hey Arnold's mom isn't on the show because she probably died giving birth to +him and his huge skull. + ―whosurmaddi, Jul 2014 +% +Peter Quill, Star Lord, and Owen Grady, Raptor Trainer, Both Sound like +characters Andy Dwyer would create for himself + ―Judeunduli, Jul 2015 +% +Reddit is kind of like high school, there are all these cliques and jokes that +I don't understand and I'm still not popular. + ―ImportGuy, Aug 2015 +% +Pilots sound the way doctors write + ―Horseahead, Oct 2016 +% +Google should have a "Trailblazer Notice" that tells you "Hey! Guess what!" if +the thing you searched has never been searched before. + ―WaitForItTheMongols, Dec 2014 +% +If fat cells are just a body's way of storing energy to use later... I'm not +fat, I'm full of potential. + ―chibipan222, Feb 2015 +% +The Bible has the biggest book club in the world who haven't read the book. + ―irish91, Mar 2015 +% +I'm going to be the last person to die in my lifetime. + ―[deleted], Jul 2015 +% +/r/Fightclub must be the most inactive sub ever + ―Cloud_Striker, Dec 2015 +% +My school gives out free condoms, but charges for printing. They value my sex +life more than my academics + ―qwww456, Apr 2016 +% +It's socially acceptable to have friends join you for the beginning of the +digestive process but not the end + ―mathhelpguy, Jul 2016 +% +You are younger now than you are now. + ―johnfn, Jul 2016 +% +As a college senior, I can't wait until my net worth is finally $0 + ―ali2sohaib, Oct 2016 +% +I wish I could drown the people that constantly masturbate in me... + ―SomeWeirdIrishGuy, Oct 2016 +% +Your life is basically an interview for people to attend your funeral. + ―walker419, Aug 2014 +% +Franz Ferdinand's (band) last concert ever should be in Sarajevo + ―longint, Nov 2014 +% +If nothing can ever be created or destroyed you are actually as old as the +entire universe. + ―damnitdes, Feb 2015 +% +Every time I'm sick or something hurts I think about how I wish I was fine and +how ungrateful I was when it didn't hurt. Let's take a moment and be aware of +all our body parts that don't hurt. Be conscious of all the sensations and be +happy they aren't pain. + ―rustleman, May 2015 +% +Comedy Central should do an "Every South Park Ever" marathon and call it, "The +Simpsons Did It" marathon. + ―owl-x, Aug 2015 +% +What if Westboro Baptist Church was actually secretly a group of super +tolerant activists who staged outrageous protests to draw public attention to +the causes they care about, while simultaneously creating a mockery of +fundamental Christianity. + ―SingingInThePlane, Sep 2015 +% +If children's beauty pageants didn't already exist, and you tried to start +one, you'd probably go to jail + ―Curly_Balls, Dec 2015 +% +On April Fools Day Tinder should reverse the swipe orientation. + ―stuffandthaangs, Feb 2016 +% +You know shits about to go down when the name of your next mission is the +title of the game + ―Andwrs, May 2016 +% +I'd rather drive 30 minutes out of my way than wait in traffic for 15. + ―Skadoosh_it, Jun 2016 +% +I am currently controlling miniscule lights on your display + ―Maplicant, Oct 2016 +% +Top 40 radio sucks because the same 6 artists sing 100 songs; Christmas music +sucks because 100 artists sing the same 6 songs. + ―mr_oof, Dec 2013 +% +Humans spend 33.3% of their lives asleep. They spend 50% of that +dreaming. That means that 16.6% percent of your life experiences never +happened. + ―temporalExile, May 2016 +% +Neil Armstrong was the first person to land on the moon. "Neil A." backwards +is "Alien" + ―lil_mayo, Aug 2016 +% +Adults tell kids scary stories around a campfire so they'll be too scared to +wander away from the campsite alone. + ―jacquellon, Aug 2016 +% +We throw around the word "terrorist" like we used to throw around the word +"communist". + ―MasterSaturday, Oct 2013 +% +The space to your right is also to your left, just 24,900 miles further + ―[deleted], Feb 2014 +% +The opening letters of pimple and dimple are inverted, just like the things +themselves. + ―potatoinmymouth, Aug 2014 +% +Google should send you an alert every time someone searches your home address +on Maps. + ―mikenice1, Apr 2015 +% +When people say "Jesus take the wheel" they are giving control to an uninsured +and unlicensed driver who has never been in a car before. + ―ABigOlBunkaroo, Aug 2015 +% +I use the app "Reddit is fun" so much I can barely navigate Reddit on my +computer + ―RockLeePower, Apr 2016 +% +I wish there was Reddit Anti-Gold. I'd love to pay 3.99 to stop someone from +posting for a month. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +If we don't allow steroids in athletic competitions, why do we allow makeup in +beauty competitions? + ―JD2005, Oct 2013 +% +Dinosaurs never seem to have sexual organs in books and museums. This is +clearly why they went extinct. + ―czwblitz, May 2014 +% +Explain as a 5 year old would be way more entertaing than ELI5 + ―having2ndthots, Feb 2015 +% +When you're over at a couple's place, there's almost a 100% chance they've had +sex on the couch they expect you to sit on. + ―DoubleSpinalTap, Jul 2015 +% +Someday "Brad" will be a name for old people. + ―[deleted], Nov 2013 +% +Mike Judge should make a Beavis and Butt-head youtube series where they're +watching and making fun of youtube videos + ―okaybudday, Jul 2014 +% +There should be an app that, if you a cross a state or national border, tells +you what laws are different when you cross. + ―Varryl, Aug 2014 +% +It must suck to be an atheist named Christian. + ―wowitspayday, Oct 2014 +% +Someday, there will be a TIL that David Bowie and Alan Rickman both British, +both died of cancer at 69, both in the same week of the same year. + ―ip_address_freely, Jan 2016 +% +if 666 is the most evil number in the world, then 25.8069758011 is literally +the root of all evil. + ―Palin_Sees_Russia, Dec 2015 +% +Home is where I don't mind my dick touching the toilet seat when I sit down + ―CalmerWithKarma, Apr 2016 +% +There are 52 weeks in a year. If we had 13 months that would fit exactly into +4 weeks per month. Why don't we have 13 months already? + ―Kingy-89, Jun 2016 +% +It's funny how all the trust goes away when you're looking for the remote "Are +you sitting on the remote?" - "No" "Stand up" + ―ana229, Oct 2016 +% +Could we put Nicotine in toothpaste to make brushing teeth addictive? + ―StrawberryCheese, Nov 2015 +% +From the perspective of a plant, carnivores are peaceful, docile creatures +while herbivores a murderous killing machines + ―classycatman, Apr 2016 +% +Somewhere in the script for Spiderman 3, it probably said [Enter Sandman] + ―dppsubm, Dec 2015 +% +I wonder how many times I've crossed paths in real life with people I've had +discussions with on Reddit. + ―FTA2011, Apr 2016 +% +For April Fool's day, Google should dress up the search engine to look like +Bing. + ―Dyslxeic, Nov 2014 +% +If I can´t handle you at your worst, you´re probably a horrible human being. + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +They really missed a great opportunity by not calling a group of squid, a +squad + ―otp1144, Jun 2016 +% +Olympic teams should be chosen just like jury duty. Receiving a random +notification in the mail saying you have four years to train for a random +event. + ―Daboomslang, Aug 2016 +% +"One man's junk is another man's treasure" would be a great slogan for a gay +dating site + ―Midgetcow, Jul 2014 +% +If something is "unfoldable", does that mean that you can't fold it, or that +you can unfold it? + ―jonnis2206, Dec 2014 +% +The most successful "one size fits all" product ever is the toilet. + ―mdcfalcon, Mar 2015 +% +If you work in a morgue you still have to come in to work after you die + ―AvocadosAtLaw, May 2015 +% +Bacon and eggs is a day's work for a chicken and a lifetime achievement for a +pig. + ―tazack, Oct 2015 +% +I've ruined a lot of good songs by setting them as my alarm music. + ―Aufor, Nov 2015 +% +Catholic sex ed claims abstinence is 100% effective birth control, but it +didn't even work for Mary + ―Sir_Liamus, May 2016 +% +FBI director says citizens filming the police makes them, 'feel like they're +under siege'... The tv show COPS is on its 28th Season... + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +In the newest Batman v. Superman trailer, instead of "son of Krypton vs. bat +of Gotham", they really should have Lex describe it as "son (sun) of Krypton +vs. knight (night) of Gotham" to highlight the central characters' opposing +qualities + ―IshijimaLogan, Dec 2015 +% +In 50 years kids will have the stupidest usernames as nothing will be +available. + ―DarkGator, Jan 2016 +% +If The Revenant wins the Best Visual Effects Oscar this year and Leonardo +DiCaprio doesn't end up winning Best Actor, then that means the Bear has won +an Oscar and Leo hasn't + ―ya_you_betcha, Jan 2016 +% +Some asshole out there is actually sorting by "Price: high to low" + ―WGPuck, Jun 2016 +% +I wonder how many times a murderer has looked at me and thought, "na, not +them." + ―Footstompz, Jun 2016 +% +I've used Bruce Almighty's "B-E-A-Utiful!" line to spell Beautiful my whole +life + ―ShytTalkingScrub, Sep 2016 +% +You've never been in an empty room + ―elitron, Mar 2014 +% +The U.S. is so young that in the distant future people will think of our +current time as still the very early stages of America's birth and growth as a +nation. + ―calicofire, Jul 2014 +% +The more suicidal people, the less suicidal people + ―midd420, Jul 2015 +% +Most people wouldn't recommend a book unless they read the whole +thing...unless you're Christian. + ―Commander_Canuck, Sep 2016 +% +If praying would actually work, it'd be forbidden in all professional sports. + ―mns1, Sep 2016 +% +Isn't Viagra technically 'junk food'. + ―Zedlox, Oct 2016 +% +You should be able to park in the "expecting mothers" parking spots at the +mall if you are waiting to pick up your mother. + ―classlessjerk, May 2014 +% +There should be a sub where people can submit random challenges (to attempt in +real life) and people reply with picture proof + ―l0ngstory, Jun 2015 +% +"Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have" is terrible advice if +you want to be a police officer. Or a stripper. + ―Oafah, Dec 2015 +% +I'm pretty sure the reason Netflix originals don't do episode recaps is +because they know you're just binge watching the show. + ―commanderbat, Aug 2016 +% +I don't care if people know I watch porn, I care if they know what kind of +porn I watch. + ―Binost, Sep 2016 +% +The sun is at the bottom of the food chain + ―hauntedfox, May 2015 +% +If Kim Jong Un does anything really impressive and tells people, no one will +ever believe him + ―IAMAWalrus_AMA, Dec 2015 +% +My Steam account is more protected than my bank account. + ―Fahrenheit666, Feb 2016 +% +I wonder if the phrase 'toodaloo' came from English people excusing themselves +to go 'to the bathroom'... + ―mynameipaul, Jul 2016 +% +Giving blood for the Red Cross sounds metal as hell if you don't know what the +Red Cross is. + ―Sifenchar, Oct 2016 +% +The "two" pun in "Dumb & Dumber To" will go widely unnoticed due to many +people still not knowing the difference between to/two/too. + ―C-Ron, Nov 2014 +% +The way that chillies have evolved to avoid being eaten has completely +backfired + ―BlueD_, Nov 2014 +% +The only reason I check my voicemail is to get rid of the voicemail +notification on my phone. + ―MentionMyName, Jan 2016 +% +Every time my mother scrolls through facebook, she often stops scrolling to +say something like "Wow" or "Unbelieveable" and expects someone to be +interested. She is real life clickbait. + ―Foofsies, Mar 2016 +% +Just as I assume everyone on Reddit is a 16-30 year old male, I assume +everyone on Tumblr is a 12-22 year old female + ―thefantasticfellatio, Jun 2016 +% +I just realized that watching magic tricks is basically like when you're +playing with your dog and you pretend to throw the ball. I am the dog. + ―krayzeek, Aug 2016 +% +People think we can make contact with aliens, but fail to realize we can’t +even communicate with other species here on earth. + ―Stephen_Harold, Sep 2016 +% +If we don't accept refugees because 2 out of 100 M&M's are poisoned then +why is it OK the have "a few bad apples" in a police department? + ―Ebay212, Oct 2016 +% +I think the final episode of Sunny in Philadelphia should be "Dennis kills the +gang" + ―SparkyDogPants, Jan 2016 +% +If fast food places gave cashiers 1% of the orders they rung up back as a +bonus, they'd probably see productivty and upselling Skyrocket. They'd tell +all their friends and family to eat there and would be super motivated. It +could easily pay for itself. + ―balancespec2, Apr 2015 +% +The word Colonel is just a a big F U to anyone trying to learn English. + ―-Krat0s-, May 2016 +% +There should be a beer called "the Mondays" so you can happily say you "have a +case of the Mondays." + ―moxxycontin, Aug 2013 +% +Every doctor is a veterinarian specialized for only one animal + ―tylaquin, Dec 2013 +% +We are closer to 2062, the year depicted in the Jetsons, than to 1962, the +year in which the Jetsons debuted. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +Weights in a gym should all be of the same size, but hollowed out according to +their mass so newbies don't feel shy about lifting. + ―_vr, Apr 2015 +% +If I had a Zimbabwe dollar for every time someone said "If I had a dollar", I +probably still wouldn't have a dollar. + ―DovahSpy, Sep 2015 +% +I hate XP grinding in video games, yet I'm currently doing 5 years of college +with plans to continue after I graduate. + ―tsunami845, May 2016 +% +Blind people could use a glue stick as a higlighter. + ―thatjohnson, Sep 2015 +% +If you ever feel lonely, watch a horror movie. After a while, you won't feel +like you're alone. + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +John Cena and The Rock should be in a movie together as cops who go undercover +as wrestlers. + ―Mitchdotcom, Mar 2016 +% +When DreamWorks runs out of ideas they should tell the story about the boy on +the moon and how he got so much fishing line + ―Ragan_aron123, Apr 2016 +% +I know I'm getting old, because I don't know how Twitter, Instagram, or +Snapchat work, and I'm okay with that. + ―hellslave, Aug 2016 +% +Somebody should open up a burger shop and name it "Mumford And Buns." Every +burger on the menu is the same, just like their songs + ―JonMlee, May 2015 +% +Telling my parents "I finished all my food" has two very different +implications between being a child and being a college student. + ―conkub, Sep 2015 +% +I'll spend $20 on fast food without blinking an eye, but a $2.99 phone app is +a serious decision. + ―Secret_superhero, Jan 2016 +% +I can never flirt with an attractive bank teller because she will always know +how poor I really am + ―GoldenHawk07, Mar 2016 +% +I want to live my life in such a way that I'll end up in a Google Doodle. + ―Rigamix, Mar 2016 +% +Drugs are like cheat codes for real life, they make the game more fun for a +little while, but stop you from getting achievements. + ―letsgetblitzed, Sep 2015 +% +Your spouse is technically your ex boyfriend/girlfriend. They just got +promoted, not fired. + ―asneakycucumber, Oct 2015 +% +There's 7.4b people on Earth, but with the advent of air travel they will +never all be on Earth + ―kiss_my_what, Mar 2016 +% +The word "illuminated" means the same thing even if you only use every third +letter. + ―jacoblance, Feb 2015 +% +The first rule of fight club is what prevented the movie from getting spoiled +to me for the last 15 years + ―FiachB7, Feb 2015 +% +If a TV ad ever asks you a question (like "fed up of juicing by hand?"), then +you should be able to say "no", and the ad automatically stop. + ―mrsthompsoon, Jun 2015 +% +If the Disney movie "Inside Out" we're set in a young teen boy's head, it +would have to be rated NC-17. + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +What if, in thousands of years, "alien" becomes a derogatory word to describe +inhabitants of other planets? And our descendants become disgusted at our +rampant use of the word. + ―deux_faces, Sep 2015 +% +Considering owls are nocturnal, wouldn't it be sufficient just to say someone +is an "owl" instead of a "night owl"? + ―Regularoldballoon, Sep 2016 +% +Starbucks should have a self-service express lane for people who just want a +plain cup of coffee. + ―utensilitis, Jun 2015 +% +Sex scenes in shows/movies always cut off too early when watching alone, but +last way too long when your parents are around. + ―themachin3, Aug 2016 +% +Airlines should award FLIGHT HOURS instead of MILES so if your plane is +delayed they can tell you your wait counts as flight hours. You'll be less +annoyed and they'll be motivated to work harder to avoid delays. + ―morseman, Jun 2014 +% +There's a big difference between a "butt dial" and a "booty call" even though +the words are interchangeable + ―JustForBrowsing, Dec 2014 +% +Trophy wives are prostitutes that are paid a salary instead of hourly. + ―DrDrewBlood, Feb 2016 +% +Just realized how horribly relevant my username is right now + ―PulsePanic, Jun 2016 +% +Orange is the New Black would have been a good name for a Jersey Shore rap +album + ―when_did_i_grow_up, Apr 2014 +% +To most Christians the Bible is like a software user agreement. They don't +actually read it; they just scroll to the end and click "I agree." + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +If your gf has a friend that annoys you, don't tell your gf to stop being +friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty you think she is. + ―Shmer180, Sep 2016 +% +I bet drug dealers wish they could sell their drugs for as much as the police +think they're worth. + ―palmerry, Oct 2016 +% +A lot of people ruin their lives over orgasms. + ―isaval, Aug 2013 +% +The Ebola nurse hazmat costumes we'll be seeing everywhere tonight? Recycled +Breaking Bad costumes from last year. + ―MNRailTracer, Oct 2014 +% +If the government waged a war on potholes instead of pot then they would be +making the country a safer place. + ―i_have_a_semicolon, May 2015 +% +I wonder if any children in third world countries receive toys as christmas +donations from america and they happen to be the toys they made themselves in +a sweat shop. + ―nurse_jacqui, Nov 2015 +% +The Futurama quote, "If you do things right, people won't know you've done +anything at all." Is literally the CIA. + ―nemomnemosyne, Dec 2015 +% +I think North Korea just announces a bomb test every time they have an +earthquake. + ―WippitGuud, Jan 2016 +% +Ted Cruz starts some speeches saying "To God be the glory." If he said that in +Arabic he be starting them out saying "Allahu Akbar.' + ―[deleted], Feb 2016 +% +I feel more disappointed in myself when I click on click bait than I do about +almost any other everyday bad decision + ―smizmarskwigelf, Apr 2016 +% +There's nothing more suspicious than a clear browser history. + ―uncle_drunky, Sep 2016 +% +What if it's harder to find good skipping stones now than it was in earlier +times because they've all been skipped and sunk to the bottom of whatever body +of water they've been skipped across? + ―QBallKeefTNP, Jul 2013 +% +What if Jesus was just a normal guy and someone started a rumor about him that +got out of control? + ―petrucci666, Apr 2014 +% +It's rude to hold a revolving door for someone + ―ckiertz4887, Sep 2014 +% +Each theater in a cineplex should have it's own bathroom next to it with +screens inside playing the same movie you're watching so you don't have to +miss anything if you have to pee. + ―TheRealKillYourself, May 2015 +% +You either die a Chris Farley, or live long enough to see yourself become an +Adam Sandler + ―taintosaurus_rex, Jul 2015 +% +If my parents had named me "Pepper", I'd have been much more enthusiastic +about pursuing a PhD. + ―RS60fan, Dec 2015 +% +If you think about it, it makes no sense that adult movie tickets cost more +than children tickets; kids are loud and cause a lot of disruptions. It should +cost more for a child to attend a movie theater. + ―mattmanatee, May 2016 +% +The person who invented pizza has affected my life more than the inventor of +the telescope. + ―OK_Compooper, Aug 2016 +% +They should announce a sequel to Groundhog Day and just release the original. + ―ImGonnaObamaYou, Sep 2016 +% +It should be illegal to broadcast car horns or police sirens over radio +advertisements + ―tingtanguh, Sep 2016 +% +I didn’t exist in your world until you started reading this sentence of mine. + ―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016 +% +Happiness is such a good drug that you use other drugs to crave it + ―[deleted], Dec 2013 +% +You should be able to double press elevator floor buttons to cancel a mistaken +choice + ―Third_Cultured_Kid, Mar 2015 +% +I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is + ―PrryvdoofV2, Apr 2015 +% +The poor soul that had to test "No tears" Shampoo until they got it right... + ―Yivoe, Nov 2015 +% +Whenever someone doesn't cite their sources I don't believe them, but when +they do I don't even bother checking the sources. + ―UnofficialGOD, Oct 2016 +% +The manufacturer that makes "Head and Shoulders" should produce an +accompanying body wash called "Knees and Toes" + ―21CharactersIsntEnou, Apr 2013 +% +We wake up after we die in a dream because we don't know what comes after +death. + ―AREYOUFUCKING_SORRY, Sep 2015 +% +Pandora should have a "Shit, Go Back" button for when you accidentally skip a +song you like + ―-sackmaster-, Oct 2015 +% +With PornHubs new idea of planting a tree per 100 videos watched, I am single +handedly saving the world. + ―cFc_90, Feb 2016 +% +You're meant to become an expert in something after doing it for 10000 hours, +but I've been eating for way longer than that and still bite the inside of my +mouth. + ―Spivsy, Apr 2016 +% +My left hand is kind of like my right hand's disabled twin. + ―m8w8disisgr8, Apr 2016 +% +NASA flawlessly played a 365 million mile hole of disc golf with a billion +dollar projectile + ―samiam0295, Jul 2016 +% +If u step on people's feet,they will open their mouth,just like trash bins. + ―loveyouAmerica, Jul 2016 +% +I hate any shampoo company that shapes their bottles in a way that makes it +impossible to put them down upside down + ―Cirabi, Aug 2016 +% +Pi is the embodiment of the circle, yet is also the farthest possible thing +from a round number. + ―[deleted], Apr 2014 +% +When the Pope dies, is he being fired or promoted? + ―Lynchie24, Mar 2015 +% +I bet art schools have the best bathroom graffiti + ―XXLargeninja, Apr 2016 +% +"The pen is mightier than the sword" was written by a pen making it biased. + ―JakeShu, Aug 2016 +% +There are dogs living in foreign countries that probably understand the local +language better than I do. + ―[deleted], Jun 2013 +% +We live in a 1940 Nazi's dystopian future + ―Tinklenator, May 2014 +% +Everyday, Someone On Earth Unknowingly Does The Loudest Fart In The World For +That Day + ―MrMagicMan123, Apr 2015 +% +A fine is a tax for doing bad. A tax is a fine for doing well. + ―-Lo_Mein_Kampf-, Sep 2015 +% +The phrase "Don't you dare" is actually the phrase "Do not you dare". And that +confuses me. + ―The_Purple_Otter, Feb 2016 +% +With 3D printing in a few years we'll feasibly be able to torrent a Lego set. + ―Astrike30, Mar 2016 +% +There are no animals in the Pokémon world, so whenever the anime characters +eat meat, they're eating Pokémon. + ―Durrylad, Jul 2016 +% +Couples who know the exact date of their child's conception aren't having a +lot of sex + ―Showmeyourvocalfolds, Aug 2016 +% +When ever I'm reading someone's story on reddit, I automatically assume it's a +male. Then if they mention something that gives away that they're a female, I +have to re-play the whole story in my head again to get the right context. + ―goodzgamer, Oct 2016 +% +Snapchat should have a 'Send as NSFW' feature, so you don't open up your girls +nudes whilst sat having coffee with your mum. + ―ZeroSenseOfHumour, Oct 2016 +% +If you repost a TIL the same day it was posted, you're really just telling the +truth. + ―s_m_f_a_h, Sep 2014 +% +The iPhone is like college textbooks. Every year, they just change a few +things and slap on a high price. + ―achenx75, Sep 2014 +% +Reddit's freak out is going to look really dumb if Victoria was fired suddenly +for a legit reason. + ―Itsallbusinesstome, Jul 2015 +% +In the drug mule business, a buttload would be a practical unit of measurement + ―rorytheracingcar14, May 2016 +% +Bathrooms that only have air dryers and no paper towels make me want to wash +my hands less + ―gavinagoodtim3, Jul 2016 +% +Sometimes, when I see internet trolls and Facebook fights, the endless march +of the keyboard warriors, and the celebrity twitter feuds, I think to myself; +"remember when computers were for smart people?" + ―TeamMahogany, Jul 2016 +% +I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent. + ―Storytellerbobfan, Aug 2016 +% +Every person alive today has an ancestor that lived through every moment of +human existence. + ―Rick0r, Feb 2015 +% +Maybe the best way to discourage teens from doing drugs would be to have the +really uncool adults talk about how awesome and fun drugs are. + ―Thunder_banger, Jan 2016 +% +When you're a child, you must not swear in front of adults. When you're an +adult, you must not swear in front of children. It's only acceptable to swear +in front of people your own age. + ―PennsyltuckyHardcore, May 2016 +% +Anti-piracy ads always insisted that "you wouldn't download a car", except I +would absolutely download a car. + ―No-YouShutUp, Aug 2016 +% +Writing 2k15 instead of 2015 annoys me more than it should. + ―MrBigBallsOO, Aug 2015 +% +Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 +hours of work in 30 minutes. + ―zouyf, Jun 2016 +% +If my chopsticks are made in China, does this mean they are high or low +quality? + ―Dr__Flo__, Aug 2013 +% +"Making Ends Meet" would be a fantastic slogan for a double ended dildo +company. + ―amsfer9, Dec 2013 +% +People with gluten intolerances should say "this is the worst thing since +sliced bread." + ―PlatoXX13, Aug 2014 +% +Bing's top search is probably "google". + ―PeeCanManzzer, Apr 2015 +% +Today there are probably more hungover homosexuals than any time in human +history. + ―Papi_Queso, Jun 2015 +% +After taking a TV production class in college, I now realize what a dick move +dropping the mic actually is considering how sensitive and expensive they are + ―JiveMonkey, Jul 2016 +% +If I throw around large amounts of shredded bread on public property, my +proximity to pigeons determines whether or not I'm littering. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +The fact that I have not yet dropped a single phone into the toilet is a +miracle. + ―TwoTinyTrees, Aug 2016 +% +The alphabet says "hi" and then immediately afterwards was kidding with "jk" + ―ccooldean, Nov 2015 +% +If I said "happy birthday" to strangers I interact throughout the day, +eventually I'll be right and that person will be really creeped out. + ―AKPhilly1, Jan 2015 +% +If Christian businesses really stuck to their principles, they'd serve +everyone regardless of their sins... + ―LadyManderella, Apr 2015 +% +I wonder how many random stranger's homework I've done answering to random +shit on /askreddit, /askscience, etc... + ―phazer29, Nov 2015 +% +My soulmate and I will likely never meet, since neither of us like leaving the +house. + ―JackRakkham, Jul 2016 +% +What if there really is a u/deleted going around posting "removed" all over +the place? + ―wageslavend, Aug 2016 +% +How many times do you think that you've seen the exact same bird outside, but +had no idea that you've looked at it before. + ―ShigglyB00, Apr 2013 +% +I wonder if a hoedown is so named because you have to put the hoe +(farming/gardening tool) down in order to party. + ―missus_b, May 2014 +% +Artificial flavoring and synthetic ingredients are so common in our groceries +that making a product with real food has become a marketing point + ―ACEmat, Jul 2015 +% +'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' teaches children that if you eat too much, you +become beautiful. + ―TheInfernalRain, Jul 2015 +% +The opposite of "Baldwin" is "Hair-loss". + ―PimpPopples, Jan 2016 +% +Was medium fructose corn syrup ever considered or did we just crank that shit +to HIGH right off the bat? + ―jjaksha, Feb 2016 +% +PirateBay has the best CyberMonday and BlackFriday deals on video and gaming. + ―Conorstevey, Dec 2014 +% +A great name for self-driving cars would be "automobiles" but we've used that +already. + ―RobinReddBreast, Aug 2015 +% +If I knew nothing about drugs, I would think something called Acid would be +far worse than a drug called Heroin. + ―dumbartist, Dec 2015 +% +The post office is amazingly cool....Me: Mr. Postman, will you take this piece +of paper across the country to my friend? Him: Sure....but it will cost +you... 47 cents... + ―Pat1000, Aug 2016 +% +Life would be different if semen was purple and stained things + ―dolphintherapist, Jan 2015 +% +Someone should make a website for amputees where they can find other amputees +who want to go half on a pair of shoes or gloves. + ―dirtknapp, Oct 2015 +% +Our butts can eject solids, liquids, and gasses + ―EachBoth, May 2016 +% +Before record players, no one had sex to music without seriously weirding out +the musicians. + ―hikemix, Aug 2016 +% +I bet no one will say "he's in a better place" when Hugh Hefner dies. + ―IIIBl1nDIII, Oct 2013 +% +The cleverest criminal masterminds are the ones whose stories we'll never +hear. + ―setsomethingablaze, Feb 2014 +% +How cool it would be to downvote your friends Facebook status without knowing +whom they came from. Then maybe they would stop posting pics of their kids + ―scoobydonts23, Dec 2014 +% +Most people can eat the same breakfast, weeks in a row without a +complaint. But the same dinner 2 days in a row? That's not allowed. + ―Razuto22, Sep 2015 +% +There should be a button in Reddit to 'preload' a certain amount of gigabytes +of your feed before a flight. + ―ramsayyy, Oct 2016 +% +In 100 years my descendants could very well be reading all my online posts and +profiles while researching me - strange feeling + ―jb2386, Jan 2015 +% +Every winter, pitchers from Major League Baseball should get together and have +a snowball fight. + ―kingbrian3, Mar 2015 +% +I am a firm believer that every traffic jam starts with one dumbass + ―illestprodigy, Feb 2016 +% +Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that +erases your browser history if your heart stops beating + ―BeardedForMyPleasure, Sep 2015 +% +Birth control pills should be for men, it makes more sense to unload the gun +than to shoot at a bulletproof vest. + ―eeeponthemove, Jan 2016 +% +In all seven books, Harry Potter only bathes once + ―Kate_is_here, May 2016 +% +"Survived a shark attack" sounds a lot cooler than "Almost killed by a fish". + ―Purple_Papaya, Sep 2016 +% +There should be a "I Found A Phone" app on the lock screen of phones that the +finder can input their number or an email address into and an email is sent to +the owner. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +The first person who copied someone was in fact very original. + ―pretentieux, Jan 2014 +% +If lightsabers ever get mass produced the companies name should be Sith & +Wesson. + ―DenchRips, Oct 2015 +% +If you ever hear someone talking about Fight Club, you can accurately say, +"That guy doesn't know the first thing about Fight Club." + ―Donna_Freaking_Noble, Feb 2016 +% +If I was born after nine months, and an hour before me, a premature baby was +born after seven-and-a-half months, they would would be older than me despite +existing for a shorter period of time. + ―smatef, Sep 2016 +% +You are literally always clapping, just sometimes with really long pauses. + ―GaryOakz, Apr 2013 +% +The last line of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" is quite existential for a +children's song. + ―sp4ce, Nov 2014 +% +Maybe it is ok being kinda short. Tall guys have to bend over for hugs and get +nothing but shoulder. I get full on squishy boob + ―SphincterInk, Dec 2014 +% +If you pet your pet rock enough, it'll erode and you'll be alone again. + ―ChrisTaliaferro, May 2015 +% +My standards for who I'm willing to masturbate to is much higher than who I'm +willing to have sex with + ―pikindaguy, Jul 2015 +% +I wonder how many tattoos have been ruined because of earthquakes + ―Wesleyg45, Dec 2015 +% +North Korea and China are like friends that used to do lots of drugs together, +but China has cleaned up a lot and really doesn't know what to do about his +still-tweaking friend. + ―Yymmeh, Mar 2016 +% +Reddit is just like your fridge: you keep going back to it every 30 seconds +when you're bored. + ―Sullivanm01, Sep 2016 +% +Everyday, my daughter's school bus driver gives us a treat for the dog. To the +dog, we sell Ava everyday for one dog treat. + ―agliberman, Apr 2015 +% +Mosquitoes are the original "Why're you hitting yourself?" bully. + ―AvengedTurtleFold, May 2015 +% +it's pretty fucked up how Winnie The Pooh and Jack The Ripper have the same +middle name + ―fix24, Oct 2015 +% +Facebook's list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people +I've been avoiding my entire life. + ―526564646974_, Sep 2016 +% +A broken clock is exactly right twice a day, but a clock set one minute too +fast is never, ever exactly right + ―RSpiess, Apr 2014 +% +Can we please collectively change the name from hoverboards, to segboards? You +know, cuz its like a fucking segway? + ―russiangerman, Jan 2016 +% +If you lower your standards enough, there are literally thousands if not +millions of people who are attracted to you and would marry you in a second. + ―ass2ssa, Sep 2016 +% +Saying "I don't support privacy because I have nothing to hide" is much like +saying "I don't support free speech because I have nothing to say" + ―MissingFucks, Oct 2016 +% +Drake is Canadian, and when he says goes 0-100 real quick, he is probably +referring to KPH, which equates to 0-62 MPH real quick. + ―MyNameIsMerc, Jul 2014 +% +There will come a point when the word "Hurrah" is used for the final +time. This will literally be The Last Hurrah. + ―Gutterflame, Oct 2014 +% +If the September 11th attacks were to have happened in July, 7-Eleven possibly +would have gone out of business + ―thinks_he_got_gold, Jun 2015 +% +do you ever think deaf people read the lyrics for top 40 songs and think, +maybe being deaf isn't that bad after all. + ―JordanGW, Sep 2015 +% +Losing 200 pounds is a lot better in the US than in England. + ―Widesense, Jan 2016 +% +There's a decent chance Rick Astley gave up on that girl. + ―Dark_Lord_of_Baking, Jul 2015 +% +The best part about reddit is finding a poignant, mind blowing, or even +heartbreaking life story, piece of advice, or whatever, then glancing up to +see it was posted by titsmasher8000. + ―Luke_Dogwalker, Feb 2016 +% +Instead of suspending bad students and giving them days of, we should have +anti-suspentions and give them more school on weekends and holidays + ―Gambit1995, May 2016 +% +Patriotism is not about loving your country blindly. It is about accepting its +flaws and solving them little by little + ―Gerakison, Aug 2016 +% +If you were invisible would you be able to see through your eyelids? + ―CommanderBeckles, May 2014 +% +The "b" in "subtle" is the most subtle b ever. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +IMDB should have a spoiler-free mode where you can hide how many episodes an +actor appeared in. + ―minisixx, Nov 2015 +% +Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs + ―exilyy, Mar 2016 +% +if colleges really want to prepare high school students for today's job market +then they should only accept students who " at least 2-3 years college +experiance". + ―loveyouAmerica, Jul 2016 +% +A loaded gun with a laser attachment is probably the easiest way to kill a cat + ―LePandaMan, Aug 2014 +% +Born too late to explore the world, born too early to explore the galaxy. + ―XM990, Aug 2014 +% +When a child is told to say sorry like they mean it, we are essentially +teaching them to fake sincerity. + ―Bam801, Mar 2015 +% +In the year 2021, the phrase 'hindsight is 2020' will be overused + ―jeffdavidoff, May 2015 +% +Putting "www." in a web address is like putting "Planet Earth" on a piece of +mail + ―blurplethenurple, Feb 2016 +% +Historians are very important people...they are currently saving our progress. + ―Moose--Bolton, Mar 2016 +% +asking someone to sleep over is weird. you're basically asking "hey, would you +like to come lay dormant with me for 6-9 hours?" + ―musicandlyrics1993, Feb 2014 +% +Covers are designed to represent the book; if you can't judge a book by its +cover, it's a poorly designed cover. + ―__z__z__, Aug 2014 +% +Our grandchildren will be able to google the tweets of their grandparents. + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +The first snow of the year is technically in January, and not in the fall. + ―dirkandersen, Nov 2015 +% +Since a lot of the profits from recreational marijuana in Colorado go to fund +public education, pot is now actually making people smarter. Suck on that, +Nancy Grace. + ―daddycool12, Sep 2016 +% +Kim Jong Un is probably the biggest threat to world peace but if you type +"Kim" in Google...Kim Kardashian still comes up first. + ―Leproscro, Sep 2016 +% +I'll bet that when Thomas Edison played back his own voice on the first +phonograph he thought it was broken because his voice sounded weird. + ―nickmodaily, Aug 2015 +% +At his maximum speed, Usain Bolt legally cannot sprint through a school zone. + ―Parker_Jay, Aug 2016 +% +During world war 2, Germany had the extended arm, the US had the victory sign, +and Russia the uplifted fist. — All together just an escalated game of +rock-paper-scissors. + ―DaBrombaer, Sep 2016 +% +Reddit has made me realize how unoriginal my thoughts truly are + ―What-The-Pho, Oct 2016 +% +If a serial killer murders one person after the other then a terrorist could +also be called a parallel killer. + ―ch00f, Apr 2014 +% +There should be Olympic paintball where countries send there special forces to +compete. + ―ASTROPOPE, Aug 2016 +% +Whenever the brain and the heart fight , its always the liver that suffers. + ―rockyverma4, Oct 2016 +% +Everybody says the idea of a unicorn is ridiculous, but Narwhals are more +ridiculous and they exist. + ―Glorious_Bacon_Ninja, Jul 2013 +% +I have no idea where Puerto Rico is. + ―Mr_Liu, Aug 2013 +% +Pizza crust is an edible plate to keep your meat and vegetables on. + ―Tunnelofpain, May 2014 +% +Lesbian pornography should be called quadruple X instead of triple X, because +there are two X chromosomes for each woman. + ―afspic, Aug 2014 +% +Michael Cera should start a clothing line called TryCeraTops + ―IDontHaveAnyChange, Dec 2014 +% +If they have Ben Affleck playing Batman, they might as well have Matt Damon +play Robin. + ―c1etus, May 2015 +% +TV screens went from being curved, to flat, to curved the other way. + ―habeeb51, Sep 2015 +% +Anyone on the internet who has a profile picture of an Anonymous mask is +almost certainly not part of Anonymous + ―BenjaminAmey, May 2016 +% +"WTF" has more syllables than just saying "what the fuck" + ―PepsiColaX, Feb 2014 +% +They should put a Braille dot on USB cables so you plug them in the first time +every time. + ―Roman_your_cousin, Aug 2016 +% +I'm currently sitting at the PC browsing Reddit while listening to "Born in +the USA", eating pizza and drinking beer, wearing a star spangled banner +underwear and a Hardrock Cafe t-shirt. This is the closest I, a non-American, +will ever be to being American. + ―Priamosish, Aug 2016 +% +Never realized how lucky I was until I traveled to a place where you can't +drink the tap water. + ―fricksquid, Oct 2016 +% +Ireland and Iceland are a "sea" apart. + ―unicornsandnarwhals, Nov 2014 +% +Prejudice is one of the most stupid things on earth because there are so many +perfectly good reasons to dislike people on an individual basis. + ―Metopholus, Aug 2016 +% +/r/gonewild probably creates the most OC of all of Reddit + ―jfsalaba, Sep 2013 +% +Why didn't Cinderella glass slipper turn back into a crappy shoe after +midnight? + ―Pun-Chi, Jan 2014 +% +I trust a lot of people not to kill me every day + ―scrotalobliteration, Apr 2015 +% +Reddit is like the perfect hangout for introverts because I'm in on all the +jokes and nobody makes fun of me for not talking. + ―chewbakaflocka-flame, May 2015 +% +I have never looked at a button, and thought it was cute. + ―frostclark, May 2015 +% +If you were an 18-year-old girl who flashed your boobs in the first Girls Gone +Wild video, you would be 34 years old today + ―[deleted], Jun 2015 +% +Homeless people are really good at finding sharpies and cardboard. + ―BarbellShrugged, Aug 2015 +% +The people upset that the Hermione Granger actor in the new play is black +would be the same people in the book who are upset she's a muggle-born. + ―afembotallalong, Dec 2015 +% +By the time artificial intelligence will know how to pass the Turing Test, it +will also know how to fail it. + ―mrtouchyfeely, Apr 2016 +% +If the Queen in Snow White has magic powers and can turn herself into an old +hag why doesn't she turn herself into someone more beautiful than Snow White? + ―WebcamsReviewed, Sep 2016 +% +Many, many future celebrities and world leaders are currently just babies. + ―DrClash, Aug 2013 +% +"Food porn" is an appropriate name. Like regular porn, it looks great, but you +can't tell how it tastes or smells. + ―swamperdonker, Feb 2015 +% +All single-person bathrooms should be unisex + ―GucciEmet, Apr 2015 +% +When someone says "you know what they say about assuming", they are assuming +you know what they say about assuming. + ―Ferfrendongles, Aug 2015 +% +China built a wall and now they have almost no Mexicans. + ―Minnasote, May 2016 +% +Saying that, "Spying is OK because you have nothing to hide." is like saying, +"Taking away free speech is OK because you have nothing to say." + ―SuryasBitch, Sep 2016 +% +Most of the time when a pickup line 'works', it was actually just said by a +good looking person. + ―rjs5, Oct 2016 +% +If I push the right buttons, in the right order, on the machine on my desk, I +could make millions of dollars. + ―[deleted], Apr 2014 +% +What if the Placebo Effect is a lie and taking pill-sized amounts of sugar is +just a really fucking healthy thing to do. + ―AnimationAbomination, Jan 2015 +% +In the dog world, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old. + ―hypermog, Feb 2015 +% +Do sperm banks give out their wi-fi password instead of porn magazines now? + ―r-squared11, Mar 2015 +% +Batman is a good name for a man who sees via echolocation, Daredevil is a +great name for a billionaire vigilante + ―vidoardes, Jan 2016 +% +I think a lot of the conflict in the Wild West could've been avoided had +architects designed their towns big enough for everybody. + ―leviathannTV, Apr 2016 +% +Females is much more fun to say if you pronounce it like tamales + ―NiceLasers, Jul 2016 +% +When the person who invented the usb dies, they better put the coffin in the +ground, bring it back out, flip it over and put it back in. + ―DanielCozzella, Aug 2016 +% +Those who make a big deal out of people sharing 99% of genes with chimps don't +mention that people also share 50% of genes with bananas + ―jursla, Oct 2016 +% +Since celery is 90% water, if I tried walking on it, I'd be 90% like Jesus. + ―Engr89, Mar 2015 +% +When the first single celled organism divided, it created life on earth in its +own image + ―JonesLanding, Oct 2015 +% +I swear I came up with 'the floor is lava' game but apparently so did everyone +else. + ―postymcpostpost, Mar 2016 +% +There are probably thousands of video tapes buried in time capsules that will +be un-watchable because VCR's were not buried with them. + ―takesthebiscuit, Aug 2016 +% +I'm not who I think I am. I'm not who others think I am. I am who I think +others think I am. + ―wolfman863, Feb 2013 +% +Google should give you an award if you're the first person to ever Google +something. + ―4firstnames, Feb 2015 +% +Star Wars Episode VII will be the first in the series released in the correct +order corresponding to its number. + ―thorpecthorpe, Oct 2015 +% +Being an adult now, in hindsight, I've realized "cool parents" are just bad +parents. + ―WaarisZ, Mar 2016 +% +When you're fat, everyday is leg day. + ―thelifeofbumbum, Mar 2016 +% +People bring kids to art galleries filled with statues of topless women, but +if I walk topless through an art gallery I'll be arrested for obscenity. + ―OhHiGCHQ, Jun 2016 +% +I wish life had a Koopa flying around in a cloud like Mario Kart, that would +tell me when I'm going in the wrong direction + ―Aj4y, Feb 2015 +% +Every time you paint a room, it gets very fractionally smaller. + ―Noosepeg9000, Apr 2015 +% +Shampoo is a really weird word. + ―Joshywat, Dec 2015 +% +Deadpool is pretty much a comedy movie, with action-relief. + ―Wee_littlegaffer, Mar 2016 +% +The same people who told us 'if you've done nothing wrong you've got nothing +to hide' are the same who are saying 'where I hide my money has nothing to do +with you' + ―Unorofessional, Apr 2016 +% +I smile at dogs more than I smile at humans. + ―hollidaychh, Aug 2016 +% +Bathroom graffiti was the original 4chan. + ―yazmattaz, Nov 2013 +% +Churches are like bookclubs that only ever discuss one book. + ―leilalei, Dec 2014 +% +Being able to kill one bird with one stone doesn't get enough credit. + ―MettaGangMember, Jul 2015 +% +I wonder if prostitutes tell their clients "It's been a business doing +pleasure with you." + ―roflhitler, Sep 2015 +% +The game Fuck, Marry, Kill could totally be renamed Fork, Spoon, Knife + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +Jamba Juice and Pizza Hut should merge to create Jamba the Hut. + ―drain65, Oct 2016 +% +If you end up living to be 100, then your age right now is like a percentage +of how much of your life you've lived. + ―samtg500, Jul 2014 +% +Everyone you know sees you as a side character in their own life story + ―iXelandro, Jul 2015 +% +Walruses are sabertooth seals. + ―aprilshowerz, Feb 2016 +% +Ted Cruz should be forced to wait 48 hours and undergo counselling before he +can abort his campaign + ―nowag, May 2016 +% +I have yet to see absolute proof that I'm not immortal + ―IceTwenty, Aug 2014 +% +Over the past 10 years, they've been taking away our progress bars and +replacing them with "loading circles" that don't tell us any useful +information. How did we let this happen + ―Inceptagon, Oct 2015 +% +If you watch porn on the International Space Station will there still be women +who want anonymous sex just a few miles away? + ―pubercuts, Mar 2016 +% +You don't have 9 foot ceilings, you have 9 foot walls. + ―dwehttam, May 2016 +% +The best part about self-driving cars is the fact they will actually use their +turn signals. + ―theUSpopulation, Oct 2016 +% +We all are at bottom of an ocean of air. + ―reddevilvaibs, Jun 2014 +% +I want somebody to flush a camera down the toilet while recording and +uploading the journey it takes through all the pipes on Youtube + ―EtrainFilmz, Feb 2015 +% +If the universe is 4-dimensional and we perceive the 4th spacial dimension as +'time', then we're just a stretched-out spaghetti-like string with our newborn +self at the beginning and our old self at the end. Our consciousness is like a +spark of electricity traveling down a wire. + ―AltForMyRealOpinion, Feb 2016 +% +The more interracial sex we have now, the less we'll be able to have later. + ―meqad, Apr 2016 +% +If you're not sick right now, take a minute to be grateful for being able to +breath unobstructed, move ache free, or be more than 20 feet from a toilet. + ―Porygon_is_innocent, May 2016 +% +If oceanographers ever found a Kraken, they would put it in an aquarium. Then +an animal activist group would start a mob outside with signs saying "Release +the Kraken!" + ―KellyfromLeedsUK, Jul 2016 +% +Considering Plankton was able to create his wife Karen, who seems to have all +the artificial intelligence of IBM'S Watson, he could have had a pretty +promising career in computer science, yet he chose to manage a fast food +restaurant. + ―r_il, Oct 2016 +% +A poor whore is a destitute prostitute. + ―strangelycutlemon, Sep 2013 +% +Babies cry all the time because the worst thing that's ever happened to them, +happens on a regular basis. + ―darwinwasadopted, Feb 2015 +% +They should call cowboy clothes "Ranch Dressing" + ―idderzz, Feb 2015 +% +Jehovah's Witnesses should open a gym called Jehovah's Fitness + ―a12345678910, Oct 2014 +% +Lorde should name her next album "Have Mercy" + ―mefman00, Dec 2014 +% +Every time someone finds a video-game "score" at a flea market, there's a dude +somewhere that doesn't know his mom is selling his shit. + ―fjfjfjf88888, Jul 2016 +% +The creators of "How It's Made" should make a show about "How the Hell They +Discovered That", with the origin stories of food creations, inventions, and +flubs along the way + ―yomifrackle, Mar 2015 +% +There should be a sperm bank called "Get a Load of This Guy". + ―FriendFoundAccount, May 2015 +% +If a vegan treats a girl "like a piece of meat," he is probably actually quite +respectful. + ―comebackjonstewart, Nov 2015 +% +Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that's your ghost outfit +forever. + ―secret-clouds, Jan 2016 +% +Every time I get a notification that I got a message on reddit, my first +thought is, "Alright, what did I say to make someone angry this time" + ―INeededACoolerName, Feb 2016 +% +What if Genies were real until somebody wished they weren't? + ―Raevix, Apr 2016 +% +Betty White has been an old lady for my entire life, and I am 33. + ―goodgamble, Jan 2015 +% +Computers freeze when they get too hot. + ―cyberchief, Apr 2015 +% +If we find primitive alien life, the only way we should intervene is by +building Pyramids + ―IAmAHistoryMajor, Jul 2015 +% +I bet teen pregnancies have gone down because you can buy condoms at self +checkouts now. + ―[deleted], Aug 2015 +% +There are millions upon millions of plants growing across the globe that were +planted by their seeds being carried by wind and animals, in the some of the +harshest conditions...and I can't grow a f---ing tomato plant in a pot with +special soil and instructions how to do so. + ―KAsInKnife, Sep 2015 +% +when I see a pretty girl and she is smoking I just think "what a waste" + ―sabre_170, Oct 2016 +% +I really hope Jeff Dunham carefully invested all that money from the 8 months +when everyone thought he was funny. + ―Naznarreb, Oct 2014 +% +You get tears when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. + ―rohan8888, May 2015 +% +I used to be the youngest person alive + ―Flinggo, Apr 2016 +% +The word "Language" is technically onomatopoeia. + ―kittendetective, Oct 2013 +% +Mitch Hedberg was the king of shower thoughts + ―algebraicdomination, Feb 2014 +% +Browsing Reddit when bored is like the virtual version of checking the +refrigerator + ―Br1nker, Feb 2015 +% +Reddit should have a /r/BIFU group. The acronym stands for Before I F*ck +Up. It's a place you can go to and say things like, "Today, I'm going to shave +my anus. What could possibly go wrong?" + ―ccgrace85, Feb 2015 +% +I bet if you texted "I heard what you said about me" to every person in your +phone you could find out some real shit for sure. + ―squirtingispeeing, Jun 2015 +% +Beef jerky is like a cow raisin + ―coopaloop28, Oct 2015 +% +Women are the original 3D printers. + ―Kandiu09, Sep 2014 +% +Banks should issue an "anti-PIN" for debit and credit cards that serves as a +distress signal and signifies that the cardholder is under coercion. + ―a_wandering_vagrant, Oct 2014 +% +At some point in history, a mosquito has to have bitten into a pimple and +thought "What the fuck is this?" + ―GSpiff, Jul 2015 +% +Bungee jumping is all the thrills of suicide, but none of the commitment + ―lostinspam, Aug 2015 +% +Mars is the only known planet to be inhabited entirely by robots + ―_Bandza, Aug 2016 +% +I wish I could enjoy sleeping, while asleep. + ―Elasticbunny, Oct 2016 +% +If you named your alcohol "Responsibly," then your competitors would do all of +your advertising for you. + ―morbidmuppets, Mar 2016 +% +Even if you are not successful in life, you are guaranteed to get two +certificates. + ―BookerGinger, Oct 2015 +% +Half of Blink 182 is Wink 91 + ―GarrettSucks, Nov 2015 +% +If we never had leap years, today would be July 11, 2017. + ―jagershotzz, Feb 2016 +% +I wonder if I've ever played against the same random person in two totally +different online games without even knowing it + ―howdoesbucket, Apr 2016 +% +Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from +the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever. + ―Jorogasm, Jun 2016 +% +I haven't clicked "page 2" on my Google researches for years. + ―king_hippo_423, Aug 2016 +% +If you're deaf, every fart is a gamble + ―fleonsky, Aug 2016 +% +If the point of life is to have kids, and the point of your kids' lives is to +have kids of their own, then life is just a pyramid scheme. + ―WhatIsPoop, Sep 2013 +% +For the last season of American Idol, they should have all the former winners +come back and compete against each other to decide who the all - time best is + ―kaps84, May 2015 +% +Why do women's razor ads always show someone shaving their already perfectly +hairless leg? Like, show me your razor shaving a man's leg, or a gorilla, and +I'd be a lot more likely to buy it. + ―JerryHasACubeButt, Jul 2015 +% +NSFW tags on showerthoughts are fucking useless. + ―leftovercaffeine, Jan 2016 +% +If humanity was wiped out today there would still be bots posting on reddit. + ―trickman01, Apr 2016 +% +No more puns. + ―drumcowski, Feb 2014 +% +There will be a day in my life that I will be the hottest, dapperest, most +handsome I've ever been and ever will be. + ―SmithFire13, Jan 2015 +% +If the lowest American dollar bill is $1, and the lowest Canadian dollar bill +is $5, do Canadian strippers make more money on average? + ―DVRavenTsuki, Apr 2015 +% +If I was a cashier at a pot shop, I would greet customers with "How high are +you today?" Instead of "Hi, how are you today?". + ―Urgafurg, Jul 2015 +% +If cops need to shoot dogs to stay safe, our postal workers are woefully +unarmed. + ―FreedomsTorch, Dec 2015 +% +When I was a kid I thought knowing how to spell "Mississippi" would be much +more important than it is now + ―AtomicEmerson, Oct 2016 +% +A centipede's body is mostly armpits + ―darkpassengerdriving, Jun 2013 +% +Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? + ―timopod5, Nov 2013 +% +Me compulsively browsing reddit as soon as I wake up is the equivalent of my +dad reading the morning paper + ―DannyDuberstein92, Dec 2014 +% +The first guy to shave his face must have freaked some people out. + ―mrsinatra777, Sep 2016 +% +I bet it's pretty hard to give a loud, impassioned political speech in Germany +nowadays. + ―SeymourLevov, Nov 2013 +% +"Condoms Are For Pussies" would be a great condom brand slogan. + ―Jonny_EP3, Apr 2015 +% +When someone pulls up in a Kia Soul and gets out of the car and they aren't a +hamster I'm a little disappointed. + ―Zero_Cool_72, Jul 2016 +% +Glass half full and Glass half empty doesn't depend on your philosophical bend +as much as it depends on whether it was poured half way up or drank half way +down + ―Waldrom, Aug 2016 +% +Batman v Superman should have been 2 movies released at the same time, but +from each perspective. + ―Fauxe_Reality, Aug 2016 +% +Stop smoking ads has gotten to the point where they're more obnoxious than +smokers themselves + ―Bear_Wizard72, Aug 2016 +% +"Righty tighty lefty loosey" also applies to Democrats and Republicans + ―morelolthanyou, Sep 2014 +% +You have no idea what you've forgotten about. + ―Faelar, Sep 2014 +% +If you wore a green suit, you could beat up a weather channel anchor and +nobody would know whats going on + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +If the NSA is recording everything that passes along the internet, couldn't +record and film companies use their draconian copyright laws to sue them? + ―_batou, Oct 2015 +% +How cool would it be to see your brain's "task manager" + ―dontdoutyme, Jan 2016 +% +If Wikipedia wanted to reach the donation goal quicker, they should hold +"blackouts" around exam weeks. + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +If the pen is mightier than the sword, then the keyboard is mightier than the +assault rifle + ―AsianMidgett, Dec 2015 +% +A prostitute could technically refer to people they've slept with as "someone +from work". + ―newkyd, Feb 2016 +% +It's weird, since I installed ad-blocker there's been a lot less women in my +area dying to meet me. + ―ThePourquoiPas, May 2016 +% +The teenagers that made fun of me in school for being nerd and playing a +musical instrument are now adults who want their kids to perform like I did in +school. + ―skewedpan, Jul 2016 +% +Captain America would probably be unintentionally sexist and racist, due to +attitudes when he was frozen + ―Aardvark_Man, May 2014 +% +Writers of terms and conditions should be legally obligated to include a Tl;Dr +at the end of every contract + ―1800sWereTheDays, Oct 2014 +% +Every time you paint a room, it gets slightly smaller. + ―SupermanKnits, Jun 2016 +% +I would rather find $5 on the ground then have my local WNBA team win a +national championship + ―Jaxatr, Aug 2016 +% +The Walmart Greeters I appreciate the most are the ones who don't greet me. + ―ImmAPear, Aug 2016 +% +The reason they sell popcorn at the movies (instead of chips) is so that you +can still hear the movie over the sound of your chewing + ―ejmb393, Mar 2014 +% +School doesn't even test your intelligence, it tests your memory. + ―qatarmoney, Dec 2014 +% +The studio that has the rights to Groundhog Day should release the movie again +as Groundhog Day 2. + ―TheVents2544, Feb 2015 +% +I should flip my tinder profile pic upside down, so that when people turn +their phones, they're swiping the wrong direction... + ―2928387191, Aug 2015 +% +Using the flashlight on my 1% charged phone to find the charger is basically +the premise of Suicide Squad. + ―bmills2, Jan 2016 +% +We judge the quality of seafood by how little it tastes like seafood. + ―jazzarad, Jan 2016 +% +One day, we're going to have to explain to our kids how we wasted our valuable +and limited Helium resources on party balloons... + ―miyabiz, Jul 2016 +% +The hardest thing I ever attempted to do was to come up with a new letter of +the alphabet without it sounding like the 26 that already existed + ―wycliffe_andre, Jul 2016 +% +Maybe if we announce that Buzzfeed's shutting down, Buzzfeed will announce +that it's shutting down. + ―nhooyr, Sep 2016 +% +Closing your eyes after turning off your alarm is a very dangerous game. + ―Shore20, Sep 2016 +% +Maybe zombies moan "brains", not because they like them, but to give us a clue +where to strike them in order to end their misery. + ―Cptnmikey, Jun 2015 +% +Our grandchildren will think of gasoline-powered cars the way we think of +steam engines + ―[deleted], Jun 2015 +% +I wonder if turtles think that frogs are homeless? + ―tastosis, Jul 2015 +% +I always take for granted how awesome it is that my body is waterproof. I can +confidently jump in a pool or a bath tub without the fear of my insides +filling up with water and dying. + ―vlndleee, Feb 2016 +% +The first person to have had twins must have been really freaked out + ―Yoder97, Jul 2016 +% +Instead of 'faking your own death' we should just call it "Pseudocide" + ―WordingCounts, Sep 2014 +% +High School should have a required class called life where they teach finance, +real estate, taxes, and other essential life skills. + ―eL_HaXo, Oct 2014 +% +Ever notice that "strap on" spelled backwards reads "no parts"? + ―rotll, Nov 2014 +% +If alcohol were invented right now, it would be classified as an extremely +dangerous drug, and a societal threat. + ―slystabbone, Feb 2015 +% +I can kiss your lips, look into your eyes, but suddenly it's weird if I sniff +your nose. + ―Demihaze, Apr 2015 +% +Sad, lonely people are imagined as living with cats because you can't be +lonely living with dogs. + ―saravannan14, Sep 2015 +% +The person who invented swimming was the first person who didn't drown + ―Brians_Brian, Oct 2016 +% +Neither the word 'elevator' or 'lift' imply that they also go down. + ―Alloutagum, Jun 2014 +% +If it weren't for porn, many of us wouldn't know what a beautiful woman looks +like naked. + ―[deleted], Jun 2014 +% +My father can't control himself around an open bag of chips. I can't control +myself around an open bottle of vodka. My family's weakness is potatoes. + ―Kerouacky, Nov 2015 +% +If everyone alive today would blink at the same time, no one would notice. + ―Thilo-Costanza, Sep 2013 +% +Because of inflation the five dollar milkshake from Pulp Fiction doesn't seem +so expensive now. + ―molloyda108, Jan 2015 +% +I've only ever said "I hate you " to the people I wholeheartedly love. + ―wolf-brother, Jun 2015 +% +Holding down the "Print Screen" button should create a gif of what was +happening on your screen while you were holding it. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +You know you're a millennial when ordering a side of guac is a financial +decision. + ―bobgramatges, May 2016 +% +There should be a 'binge on' button in Netflix that automatically skips the +theme song. + ―storietorie, Aug 2016 +% +Driverless cars will be awesome, but not until everyone is using them. The +in-between stage will be Road Rage Against the Machine. + ―cabridges, Oct 2016 +% +Maybe instead of exchanging the Ray Rice jerseys people should just cut the +sleeves off. Turn them into wife beaters. + ―michie05, Sep 2014 +% +There should be an app like tinder where you approve someone based on their +interests before seeing a picture so those of us who don't want to date can +just freaking find friends! + ―nobodys_somebody, Mar 2015 +% +If you slap Dwayne Johnson's ass, could you say you've hit rock bottom? + ―_-fLux-_, May 2015 +% +Oral sex probably got more popular after soap was discovered. + ―Saladatea, Sep 2015 +% +After overhearing a girl ask if cocaine was gluten free, I think I'm +officially done with LA. + ―Dodgeriscool, Dec 2015 +% +Being a teenager is the awkward stage where you like adults more than the +kids, but the kids like you more than the adults do. + ―African_AIDS, Dec 2015 +% +The Onion should publish one serious article just to see people try to +interpret it as satire. + ―quinoa_achebe, Feb 2015 +% +Ever since I got adblock all the single horny women have lost interest. + ―AzRyider, Apr 2015 +% +Faking using the restroom in order to waste time is a very literal form of +stalling. + ―BlueOysterCowbell, May 2015 +% +People would quit doing most of the dumb stuff with their bodies if they had +HP bar they could see like in video games. + ―Tommy_Andretti, Sep 2015 +% +Michael Bay probably *loves* his Galaxy Note 7 + ―nomnomnomnomRABIES, Oct 2016 +% +30 or 40 years from now, the Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings movies will be +considered old, inevitably prompting remakes + ―HowIKnowYoureBritish, Jun 2013 +% +There should be a reverse Angie's List where contractors can look up how +customers treat people they hire + ―TheClemmer, Nov 2014 +% +23 years on this planet, and I've only now realised that the yellow capsules +inside Kinder eggs are the yoke of an egg. + ―WutUtalkingBoutWill, Aug 2015 +% +People say that playing violent videogames will turn you into a violent +person. I've been playing sports videogames for some time and I'm still not an +athletic person. + ―Psychii_, May 2016 +% +On April Fools Day, Brazzers should make a video where a hot male plumber goes +to a sorority house and fixes the toilet and leaves normally + ―Aaliyah93, May 2016 +% +When deaf people get in fights, they can let their fists do the talking. + ―iSunMonkey, Jul 2016 +% +Female cockroaches should be called cuntroaches + ―Torus-XY, May 2015 +% +Reddit is like a giant support group for people who are bored. + ―w_w_coach_taylor_do, May 2015 +% +I'm still hopeful that I'll see a girl I know or an ex on one of the nsfw/gone +wild subs. + ―NowFreeToMaim, Sep 2015 +% +My Dad got his breaking news from Walter Cronkite. I get mine from someone +named /u/showershitters + ―bedpan3, Nov 2015 +% +PornHub on mobile should have a "one-handed" mode. + ―KittenTeam10, Mar 2016 +% +The look of frustration I give my gf as she takes forever to get ready to go +is the same look my dog gives me as I put on socks and shoes before being able +to take him out + ―Lionessandlover, May 2016 +% +The saying "It's easier to keep up than to catch up" is true for pretty much +everything in life. Everything except Mario Kart. + ―snacksthecat, Aug 2014 +% +There could have been boneless dinosaurs and we would never know about + ―GeraldBWilsonJr, Jul 2016 +% +I will consider myself an adult when I can consistently and correctly cook the +amount of pasta I need to eat + ―MrGrayandPink, Oct 2016 +% +If I had the ability to stop time, I would just use it to take naps. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +30 years from now we'll probably view soda in the same way as we see +cigarettes. + ―Pezomi, Jul 2015 +% +Mothers who become friends because their kids are the same age are only +friends because they had sex at roughly the same time + ―Archada, Jan 2016 +% +I have a Samsung. When I call my girlfriend at college, I'm calling from a +Galaxy far, far away. + ―TapiocaTuesday, Jan 2016 +% +Even Popeye didn't eat spinach until he had to. + ―_____gate, Jun 2016 +% +At this very moment, someone you greatly admire may be taking a shit. + ―crazysnail, Jul 2013 +% +When someone tells you, "don't let anyone tell you how to live your life," +it's someone telling you how to live your life. + ―CansOfKrylon, Aug 2013 +% +The more exes you have the more names you don't have for your future child + ―Vonbonnery, Jun 2015 +% +If pigs could fly just imagine how good their wings would taste. + ―Smigg_e, Sep 2015 +% +This Ahmed kid should make watches and call them terror wrists + ―ThreeUrinalCakes, Sep 2015 +% +The year 2024 is closer than 2005. + ―Ronaldinho52, Sep 2015 +% +If you went back in time and met yourself, both versions of yourself would see +each other as the "old" you. + ―Primetime22, Oct 2015 +% +There are parents that were born in the year 2000 + ―atinyturtle, Mar 2016 +% +I'm glad to live in a society where seeing a woman in yoga pants is socially +acceptable + ―takeinalready, Jun 2016 +% +What if Harambe was shot by a time traveller to prevent planet of the apes +becoming reality + ―TechSym, Aug 2016 +% +If I could teleport, I'd still probably be late everywhere. + ―IamSkudd, Oct 2016 +% +It used to be a luxury to get produce from across the world, but now it's a +luxury to get them locally + ―staarkiid, Oct 2016 +% +Ghosts that haunt graveyards are really lazy + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +when you're too shy to ask a girl for her number you never see her again, but +if you ask a girl and she turns you down you see her at chipotle and bars and +parties and on a megabus to El Paso + ―jac283, Mar 2016 +% +Everyone calls them dick pics. Why are we not calling them dictures? + ―LeBurge, Apr 2016 +% +If nude pictures of a person with a twin get leaked, its almost as bad for the +twin + ―PostHipsterCool, Apr 2014 +% +Technically, you can go the whole rest of your life without eating or drinking + ―HanumanKingBar, Jul 2015 +% +What if Americans colonize Mars but the American colonies declare +independence? + ―theGruntingGargoyle, May 2016 +% +Instead of trying to invent a time machine, we should create a time which +entices future time machine inventors to come back and visit. + ―EvenEvan13, Aug 2016 +% +You know a film will be serious when the studio's logo has no music. + ―imofficiallybored, Oct 2016 +% +Reddit should allow posts to go into negatives so that we can see the "back +page" as well as the front page. + ―THE_PUSSY_IMPALER, Aug 2014 +% +When you first start dating someone, you are entering an unspoken contest to +see who can hold their farts in the longest. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +We live in a time in which we can listen to virtually any song on at any time, +but if a song I love happens to come on the radio, I am THRILLED + ―madethisatwork, May 2016 +% +I was always annoyed as a child when adults said, "pokemans." Now, as an +adult, I am annoyed by children who say, "pokemans." + ―im_probably_tripping, Jul 2016 +% +They should make a Batman Shampoo, and pair it with a Conditioner Gordon. + ―Panda_Kabob, Aug 2016 +% +When I forget an account password its like a test to see how well I know +myself + ―bakedincali4, Sep 2016 +% +God is often depicted as male and this offends many people. The same people +don't care that Satan is depicted as male too. + ―LordFluffy, Sep 2016 +% +I wish I could know how many people thought about me when they were +masturbating + ―TeNgRi95, Sep 2016 +% +You know, if Frodo had turned into a ringwraith, he'd be the cutest, least +intimidating wraith ever. Maybe he'd even get a tiny fell-beast to ride. + ―RedWinget, Dec 2014 +% +We're likely less than a generation away from the question "Do you smoke?" +being generally interpreted as marijuana rather than tobacco. + ―whothehellispat2, Apr 2015 +% +A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber. + ―nikkibiatch, May 2015 +% +The videos you watch before you find the right one to masturbate to are really +just Fap-itizers + ―gwarster, May 2015 +% +Copy and Paste is arguably one of the greatest inventions in the history of +the world. + ―igetreallybored, Jul 2015 +% +LMNOP is like the face melting guitar solo of the ABC song. + ―Elderbridge, Nov 2015 +% +As a child, I wanted to be an adult because of the freedoms it would give (R +rated movies, drinking, driving, etc.) As an adult, I want to be a child +because of the freedoms it would give (free time, no bills, sleeping in, etc.) + ―filler1234, Nov 2015 +% +If reddit provided an option for users to give someone the opposite of gold +(like a brown turd), people would probably be more likely to pay to let +someone know just how terrible their comment or post is. + ―samicktorino, Jan 2016 +% +If baldness was as common in women as men, we would have found a cure by now + ―jnothing, Jul 2016 +% +Today would be a terrible day to introduce an overweight friend to Reddit. + ―thearcticcat, Jun 2015 +% +When a lightsaber runs low on battery, does it get shorter or dimmer? + ―davidwhalley, Jan 2016 +% +trust falls are bulsshit. I would trust my best friend with my life, but I'm +sure he would let me fall, film the whole thing and upload it to facebook + ―Idroxyd, Mar 2016 +% +I wonder if Nicholas Cage and John Trovolta have used the face swap app yet. + ―I_Once_Reddit, Mar 2016 +% +If sans means 'without,' then comic sans means it's not fucking funny + ―cleighr, Dec 2014 +% +If you ever have to find an actual needle in an actual haystack, you could +just burn the haystack. + ―Sexual_tomato, May 2015 +% +Humans cut down trees to build bird houses. + ―wirelessgypsy, Jul 2015 +% +Tinfoil hatters probably thought it was a huge conspiracy when tin was +replaced with aluminum. + ―mwhaskin, Oct 2015 +% +Ignorance is only bliss when it's mine. When it's somebody else's, then it's +torture. + ―The_Possum, Dec 2015 +% +If you're accused of being argumentative and defensive, it's impossible to +debate it. + ―rahtin, Apr 2016 +% +The outdated slang words "square" and "radical" are opposites of each other, +just like they are in math. + ―q_uist, Aug 2016 +% +I like to go to self checkout because it doesn't judge me. + ―ChubZilinski, Oct 2016 +% +A doctor is a veterinarian that only has to work on one species. + ―Mr_Quackums, Oct 2016 +% +A comma is a pause in a sentence. A coma is a pause in a life. + ―broskalini, Oct 2014 +% +I choose my friends based on whether we hate the same things more than on +whether we like the same things + ―daKing333, Oct 2015 +% +There's way less public bathroom graffiti these days due to the advent of +pooping with a smartphone in hand. + ―chief_dirtypants, Jan 2016 +% +After the credits of a film that is "based on a true story" there should be a +brief summary of the differences between the film and reality. + ―charstar91, Mar 2016 +% +If the whole Harambe situation has proven anything: We sure as hell aren't +ready for Jurassic Park. + ―SixFeetOfMan, Jun 2016 +% +There should be a 5 year marriage available. When the time is up, you could +renew it, or just let it go. + ―Breeze_in_the_Trees, Jun 2016 +% +If we put the tags for underwear on the outside, they would still remain +unseen but would cure itchy butts. + ―Snowball3ffect, Aug 2016 +% +When someone gets arrested they should be allowed to make a one sentence +statement to accompany their mugshot. Like a senior yearbook quote. + ―whicketywack, Sep 2016 +% +Star Wars is about 1 war and billions of stars. It should be called Stars War. + ―KajiKaji, Jun 2013 +% +Maybe the original Matrix was so accurate that the machines made the sequels +suck to throw us off. + ―[deleted], May 2015 +% +In Canada they eliminated the use of pennies. When the price ends in 3 or 4 +cents they round up to 5 cents and when it is 1 or 2 cents they round +down. Therefore my 2 cents on a subject isn't worth shit. + ―TR4VE, May 2015 +% +If a girl doesn't make you wear a condom, she probably didn't make anyone else +wear one either... + ―jc_work, Jul 2016 +% +Wolverine could've saved more lives by becoming a multiple organ donor than +being an x men. + ―subliminalthoughts31, Oct 2016 +% +There have been no "how I got rich" books that involve ever reading a "how I +got rich" book + ―JedNoonan, Oct 2016 +% +I would much rather take a shit in the woods than take a shit in a porta +potty. + ―NotchyPitchu, Oct 2016 +% +We swallow our spit all day every day but the second it leaves our mouths it +becomes disgusting + ―ahhvey, Apr 2014 +% +The only things you actually have control over are muscle contractions and +your inner monologue. Everything the human race has ever accomplished has come +from a combination of these two things. + ―sugemchuge, Apr 2014 +% +When my son is old enough to post on reddit I really will have done OP's mom. + ―KingBooRadley, Sep 2015 +% +Click-bait has trained me to fight my natural curiosity. + ―TheLongFinger, May 2016 +% +Elon Musk should come out with a self-titled Cologne. + ―NDoilworker, Aug 2016 +% +Faking during sex should be refered to as Sargasam. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +Trying to get rich by winning the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by +flying on commercial airlines. + ―Jaek0, Apr 2016 +% +How many trees does it take before you start calling it a forest? + ―PlumbsWithWolves, Jun 2016 +% +I wonder if Native Americans are (secretly) laughing at the irony that white +Americans are terrified their country is being taken over by a bunch +immigrants who want to impose a new religion on this land. + ―NowTimeDothWasteMe, Sep 2016 +% +Chestnuts should be slang for boobs + ―Saberale122, Oct 2016 +% +"I before E except after C" is disproved by science. + ―forevergelo, Dec 2014 +% +There is probably someone out there literally taking a dump from 2014 to 2015 + ―a_wild_lemon, Dec 2014 +% +What if Hawking's computer has attained AI and is answering exactly the +opposite of what he is trying to say just to fuck with humans? + ―kjvlv, Jul 2015 +% +What if the Egyptians used to have an advanced written language like ours but +became addicted to memes and eventually just started using pictures to +communicate? + ―gruesomeflowers, Aug 2015 +% +Americans have to be 420 months old to become president. + ―1wjl1, Jan 2016 +% +I gave up soda because it's unhealthy, but three or four nights a week, I +consume alcohol that could severely damage my liver and see nothing wrong with +it. + ―FredVogel, Feb 2016 +% +For an atheist, I sure use "I swear to god" and "Jesus Christ!" a lot. + ―AdamOnDemand, Jul 2016 +% +I cannot bother to watch a two hour movie on Netflix but I can binge-watch a +show, where one episode is 50 minutes long. + ―ubuntulive, Jul 2016 +% +Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also, no. + ―itim__office, Sep 2016 +% +Getting Reddit gold and not editing your comment to say thank you is like +walking away from an explosion and not looking back + ―Super_Link, Apr 2014 +% +"Emoticons" sounds like a group of sensitive transformers. + ―PURPLEDONGOFTHANOS, Jul 2015 +% +Been playing D&D since I was a kid and some adults were concerned I +couldn't tell fantasy from reality. The same adults tried to get me into +religion. + ―nathanknaack, Sep 2016 +% +there must be millions of comments on reddit that never got viewed by anyone +except the OP + ―gablopico, Sep 2016 +% +If taking someones life made your penis half an inch shorter, and saving +someones life made it half an inch longer, the world would be a much better +place right now. + ―Amplifier_Worship, Jan 2015 +% +If rat poison kills more animals than just rats, maybe we just call it poison + ―reddit-user-6913, May 2015 +% +I always tell my dog to have a good day when I leave for work, but I don't +know if he actually does have a good day or not. + ―stengebt, Sep 2016 +% +If someone were to take the flesh-eating drug Krokodil and rage-inducing bath +salts at the same time, they could become a very realistic-looking zombie. + ―MY_HARD_BOILED_EGGS, Sep 2013 +% +Almost every sound outside is an animal trying to get laid + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +"Lollygagging" sounds like someone deep throating a lollipop. + ―HardKeanu, Sep 2015 +% +George McFly paid to have his car cleaned by someone that tried to rape his +wife. That's a bit fucked up. + ―bugphotoguy, Feb 2016 +% +If homosexual sex is no longer counted as intercourse in Florida, then that +means that no homosexual can be charged for having sex in public. They get a +free pass. + ―JimmyL2014, Feb 2015 +% +The Earth is flying through space, and rotating on its axis. This means when +you wake up in your bed in the morning, you're hundreds of miles away from +where you got into your bed. + ―tomw212, May 2015 +% +Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man could be perceived as instructions on how to +make a snow angel. + ―spiritcrusher77, Nov 2015 +% +When doing the limbo, if you set the bar low, then you’re setting the bar +high. + ―jackleinmark, Aug 2016 +% +Men get compliments so rarely that I have never heard a bloke get complimented +about anything except his work, ever. + ―Name_And_stuff, Sep 2016 +% +Horrible and horrific are synonyms. Terrible and terrific are antonyms. + ―Xyexs, Oct 2016 +% +How does Superman have any muscle mass? It's not like he can do resistance +training. + ―imjusta_bill, Jul 2014 +% +National anthems are country music + ―domokenshin, Aug 2014 +% +The four elements: Earth, Water, Air, Fire represent the four states of matter +Solid, Liquid, Gas, Plasma.. + ―YoussefV, Aug 2014 +% +Teen movies used to take place in and around a high school setting; now +they're all set in dystopian futures. + ―McClure_Esq, Mar 2016 +% +Spider-man used to take selfies before they were cool. + ―yahasgaruna, Apr 2016 +% +If you dye your hair red, then you are trans-gingered. + ―Oliver_DeNom, Sep 2016 +% +The factory that makes caution tape could be a really confusing place to work. + ―tailanyways, Sep 2014 +% +Eggs have such a good balance of nutrients because they literally contain all +of the ingredients for a small animal. + ―saltr, Sep 2014 +% +What if at the end the first Matrix movie, Neo flies into the sky only to wake +up as Ted Logan, turns to Bill Preston and says "Bill, I just had the most +excellent dream about batteries!" Matrix 2&3 are never made. + ―wolfgrinder, Jun 2015 +% +Every time I don't play the lottery I win a dollar. + ―witehare, Jul 2015 +% +I want to salute all the hungry humans who died figuring out what was and +wasn't edible + ―the_outer_reaches, Jan 2016 +% +Naming new found land Newfoundland is pretty lazy. + ―HerpDerpelton, Apr 2016 +% +I boycott every company that has a YouTube ad over 20 seconds with no skip +button. + ―ILoveReksai, May 2016 +% +If I owned a company I would not block any porn sites. Then I would fire +anyone stupid enough to watch it at work. + ―madkow77, Jun 2014 +% +A phone cover is like a condom, it feels meh using it, and it feels amazing +while not using it, but it's dangerous. + ―baristol123, Apr 2015 +% +How has r/goldenshowers not been renamed r/kelly? + ―Hofood, Sep 2015 +% +Smart watches should allow you to say "Get Police" and silently contact the +local police station and allow them to listen in and locate your +location. Regardless of data plans. + ―just_let_him_finish, Mar 2016 +% +If two pregnant women get into a fistfight, it's like a mech battle between +two babies + ―sheepsleepdeep, Apr 2016 +% +Technically, cannibals are at the top of the food chain. + ―mehog124, Jun 2016 +% +The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should go on tour together and title it the +"Goo Goo Gaga" tour + ―Dr_Jaz, Oct 2016 +% +Threatening to call the cops is the adult version of saying "I'm telling on +you." + ―ThisIsPhantomhive, Jan 2014 +% +Reddit is the only site where I actually want to read the comments. + ―amateur_polymath, Feb 2015 +% +If I tell my auto insurance provider that I now identify as female, do my +rates go down? + ―oureyes, May 2016 +% +Every single decision you have ever taken has led to you reading this +sentence. + ―drDOOM_is_in, Aug 2016 +% +Mike Rowe could open his own brewery and call it Mike Rowe Brewing. + ―speedy621, Sep 2014 +% +Even if you don't believe in Santa, odds are your gifts were made by tiny +people in an unpaid, dangerous environment. + ―lmMrMeeseeksLookAtMe, Dec 2014 +% +Google should tally all the scores from the offline dinosaur game in an area +and bring Google Fiber to whichever area racks up the most points. + ―miniman830, Oct 2015 +% +As a left-hander, I take for granted the fact that i can scroll my mouse with +my right hand and take notes with my left + ―tennisstar04, May 2016 +% +Has anyone ever noticed how in Harry Potter, the soul-eating dementors never +go for Ron? + ―danglyfigger, May 2016 +% +I'm 100% convinced that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes +back as an extra tupperware lid. + ―Tm23246, Aug 2016 +% +Every time I hear the 20th Century Fox fanfare, I'm slightly diappointed if +I'm not about to watch Star Wars. + ―pricehatesyou, Sep 2016 +% +Since everyone is regretting our candidates in 2016, it looks like hindsight +will finally be 2020 + ―GlovesaveNABeaut, Oct 2016 +% +You could say that slow internet connections are constipated because they need +fiber + ―RagingNerdaholic, Nov 2015 +% +All-you-can-eat restaurants should tell you at the end of your meal how much +it would have cost at a normal restaurant + ―ConfusedMandarin, Dec 2015 +% +Elves work for free, aren't considered human, and are only 3/5ths the size of +a normal person. Santa owns slaves. + ―RobustUnicorn, Dec 2015 +% +Being born wealthy is like getting an RPG video game with a preexisting save +file that has already beaten the game and has all the best armor and weapons. + ―beardedrabbit, Mar 2016 +% +The fact that so many of the most successful pop artists don't even write +their own songs basically makes them cover bands... + ―MonsieurLeBeef, Sep 2013 +% +A 'gasp' is a sigh but backwards. + ―TFiPW, Oct 2013 +% +"NSFW" has more syllables than "Not Safe For Work" + ―Kugelfische03, Dec 2013 +% +I would open up an ice-cream place called "Too spoon" and all the flavors +would be named after current trageties. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +The five most reassuring words ever are: "I haven't started yet either" + ―bslamb22, Apr 2015 +% +We spend countless hours discussing whether God is real or not, while we could +find it out in a few seconds by killing ourselves + ―legostukje16, Mar 2016 +% +Defibrillators are the medical version of "Have you tried turning it off and +on again?" + ―Peter_Zwegat, Mar 2016 +% +Dishware and flatware should be sold in sets so your spoon matches the +curvature of the bowls for maximum scoopability. + ―PBR_Sheetz, Jun 2016 +% +The best part of any movie based on a true story is the part at the very end +when they show pictures of the actual people the movie was about. + ―humansof, Aug 2016 +% +If I'm out walking my dog in public and we both have to pee, only he is +allowed to. We've made laws that are specist against ourselves. + ―SnailHunter, Aug 2013 +% +Knocking on someone's door is basically punching their house until they let +you in. + ―My_Sweaty_Thighs, Jan 2014 +% +I have 10 million different personalities.. In my testicles. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +When my dog is let in the car he knows we are going to the beach. When I leave +everyday, does he think I spend the day at the beach without him? + ―bluepaintballs, Oct 2014 +% +Your first erection is an erection, subsequent erections are resurrections. + ―Pianoooo, Apr 2015 +% +I wish I could send Star Wars spoilers to Martin Shkreli since he didn't get +to see it last night. + ―shefoundnow, Dec 2015 +% +A garden hose is an extension cord for water. + ―lasrevera, Jun 2016 +% +Humanity won't care about investing seriously into space travel, until we are +in a situation where we wished we invested more into space travel. + ―antiswerve, Jul 2016 +% +Whoever put an "s" in "lisp" is seriously an asshole. + ―rayneyday13, Feb 2014 +% +I drank nothing but breastmilk for an entire year of my life and I still have +no idea what it tastes like + ―ECHovirus, Oct 2014 +% +"Be there or be square!", because you're not a-round. + ―LeVentNoir, Jan 2015 +% +If you try to pronounce "lmao" you sound like a french cat + ―Tinferbrains, Apr 2015 +% +I wish I could psychically communicate with bugs so I could tell them I'm just +trying to catch them and put them outside and they'd freaking cooperate. + ―jnb64, Aug 2015 +% +In professional poker, is Botox considered a performance enhancing drug? + ―Schdbit, Sep 2015 +% +If I were to kill a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers left +in the world. + ―WorzelBummidge, Jan 2016 +% +I've been to 5 schools, had 9 jobs, driven 4 cars, lived in 8 homes, lost 2 +grandparents, had 4 cousins be born...and in all that time, the Simpsons' +living situation has not changed. + ―pjabrony, Mar 2016 +% +According to a genital structure, Men should be the ones wearing the skirt and +Women should be wearing trousers... + ―Ahdilable, Jun 2016 +% +Why do porn websites have a share to social media option? As if I want Alyssa +from high school to know what I've become + ―jalisconegro, Aug 2016 +% +Clint Eastwood is a anagram for "Old west action" + ―Para_Noia, Feb 2015 +% +Reddit is a classroom that rewards the class clowns as much as the smart kids + ―CamImmaculate, Jun 2015 +% +If you cut too many corners you'll land up going around in circles. + ―cannotdecideaname, Jun 2015 +% +You know, I never would have known about Adblocker before some sites thanked +me for not using it, so congratulations, you played yourself + ―akabbl, Feb 2016 +% +If a TV Show is cancelled, it should be mandatory for a final episode to be +made that provides viewers with closure. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +When I eat mini M&M's, I imagine it's just like when Shaq eats regular +M&M's. + ―saintandrewsfall, Mar 2016 +% +When people say "I forgot something" it is usually because they remembered +something. + ―ubuntulive, Aug 2016 +% +There should be a restaurant called "It doesn't matter" for people to take +their SO's who can't decide on what to eat. + ―Lttngblt, Jun 2013 +% +If someone says to you "say one more bad thing about my sister and you'll get +beat up" and you reply "she's good in bed", should you get beat up? + ―pizza_is_a_lie, Dec 2013 +% +Your stomach is always filled with warm vomit. + ―Alastiana, Dec 2014 +% +Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon + ―Nolaninthedeep, Jun 2015 +% +Poor people go missing, rich people get kidnapped. + ―ItsDeathBySnuSnu, Sep 2015 +% +Lawyer hopes you're in trouble, doctor hopes you're sick, cops hope you're +criminal, teacher hopes you're stupid but only a thief wishes you prosperity +in life. + ―lazytothinkofaname, Oct 2015 +% +Thanks to the internet I've seen more naked woman than any other man in my +family tree. + ―Sir_Clogs_a_lot, Oct 2016 +% +If the Virgin Mary had a sister, the sister would be the Auntie Christ! + ―[deleted], Aug 2013 +% +We tell kids to not take candy from strangers, but have an entire holiday +dedicated to taking candy from strangers. + ―Whind_Soull, Oct 2015 +% +If she types faster on a touchscreen than a keyboard, she's probably too young +for you + ―Frooby, Mar 2016 +% +It's never too late to apologize. It only might be too late to have your +apology accepted. + ―burnerthrown, Sep 2016 +% +If Bill Nye the science guy were in New York on New Year's Eve, the headline +could be "Nye in NY on NYE". + ―OPs_mum, Jan 2015 +% +"My wife thinks I'm hot" is the adult equivalent of "My Mom thinks I'm cool." + ―DrJawn, Jan 2015 +% +Coke should partner with Bethesda to make Nuka cola a real product to build +hype for fallout 4. + ―Dert_, Jun 2015 +% +Being single and on the "Market", I am finding out that the market is flooded +with defectives, recalls and safety concerns. + ―salparadisimo, Sep 2015 +% +Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it. + ―Zaspar99923, Jan 2016 +% +If a horcrux from Harry Potter splits your soul in half then Tom Riddles diary +had far more of Voldemorts soul in it than Voldemort himself + ―Kadinz, Aug 2014 +% +For or against same sex marriage there's gonna be a lot of butt hurt people +today + ―sender2bender, Jun 2015 +% +I wonder how many awkward things people have said to me I've completely +forgotten about but still makes someone cringe randomly when they are trying +to sleep. + ―SugaBoyOsheean, May 2016 +% +Spring time is a giant orgy for trees and plants, and we're allergic to their +semen. + ―turtlenecksareforme, Jun 2013 +% +Driverless cars would allow an extra person to call shotgun + ―frobalt, Sep 2014 +% +Every post on /r/OSHA should be tagged NSFW + ―Guardian_Ainsel, Jun 2015 +% +As my kids grow up, they will initially associate the word "Amazon" with an +online store and not a rain forest in South America. + ―16semesters, Jul 2015 +% +Mrs incredible must've had the easiest pregnancy/childbirth. + ―DrasticMeat, Aug 2015 +% +Teenagers drive like they have limited time & old people drive like they +have all they time in the world + ―tsmith53149, Dec 2015 +% +People these days require more computing power to sit on the toilet than +astronauts did to get to the moon. + ―badf1nger, Aug 2016 +% +The last sequence of Jaws should have ended with a black screen displaying: +"Fin" + ―[deleted], Mar 2014 +% +The Four Classical Elements (Earth, Water, Air, and Fire) Match the Four +States of Matter (Solid, Liquid, Gas, and Plasma). + ―CaptCash, Jan 2015 +% +I wish I could temporarily hide photos on my phone in case someone decides to +swipe left or right. + ―TheJoker93, Jul 2016 +% +If suddenly /r/outoftheloop is made private, I won't ever figure out why. + ―HoneyIsTheBestPolicy, Aug 2016 +% +The word 'go' doesn't rhyme with 'do' but rhymes with 'slow'. 'Cow' doesn't +rhyme with 'slow' but rhymes with 'plough'. 'Through' and 'dough' rhyme with +neither each other nor 'plough', but rhyme with 'clue and 'foe' +respectively. Learning English pronounciation must be a nightmare. + ―SaradaV, Aug 2013 +% +If someone crashed in a self driving Google car, they would have to send a +real crash report to Google. + ―not_today_23, Aug 2014 +% +If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment. + ―Athejew, Jan 2015 +% +Dogs have no idea that Whales exist. + ―RamThe3rd, Feb 2015 +% +Somebodys job is to nail Jesus to the cross every time a crucifix is made + ―crabsandthighs, Feb 2015 +% +There should be an Unwatch button for Netflix so I can keep watching a show +after my girlfriend falls asleep and not have her get mad at me. + ―omg_ketchup, Sep 2015 +% +If Leonardo Dicaprio wins an Oscar this year, they should get Steve Harvey to +announce it just to make him nervous + ―quitethequietdomino, Jan 2016 +% +It's a pretty big fucking coincidence that "Alzheimers" sounds a lot like "old +timers". + ―curemode, Feb 2016 +% +7.3 billion people are experiencing the same day in a different way. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +Scotland is the boyfriend who saved up and bought the expensive engagement +ring, only to get dumped by England. + ―Hass91, Jun 2016 +% +If the dead were to ever rise from their graves, they would all be really well +dressed. + ―oleshrimpdog, Aug 2016 +% +Space Jam was basically made by having Michael Jordan talk to himself and +shoot baskets on a green screen. + ―FeetOnYourCouch, Sep 2014 +% +I wish netflix would sort out holiday episodes so I can binge on them during +their respective seasons. + ―Falco_Columbarius, Oct 2015 +% +If the u in misusing is removed it goes missing + ―isrly_eder, May 2016 +% +If you go into a fake time machine, you still come out in the future. + ―afivetwozero, Jun 2016 +% +You only know how old you are because other people have told you + ―RazaReact, Jun 2016 +% +The question "what makes us human?" is essentially what makes us human. + ―JuliTeaPot, Sep 2014 +% +When I’m reading a book, it’s like I got a screenplay and I’m the director of +my own movie. Your mind is awesome. + ―docendodiscimus, Nov 2014 +% +Growing up is going from being excited for Ralphie getting his Red Ryder BB +gun to seeing how happy and excited the father was the share something amazing +with his son. + ―hoboswithhandgrenade, Dec 2014 +% +The guy following Bear Grylls with heavy camera gear is way more badass than +Bear Grylls himself + ―questfailer, Dec 2015 +% +Instagram would have been a great name for a marijuana delivery service. + ―Stumpy907, Jun 2016 +% +The saddest part about being a cactus; is that they stand around all day with +their arms stretched out, waiting for a hug that will never come. + ―ThePoonRaccoon, Aug 2016 +% +When an animal from a zoo is released into the wild, they get an +sleep-injection. After they wake up and are set free, they probably think +they've died and reached heaven + ―youshouldvebeenthere, Oct 2016 +% +Did anyone remember to wake up Green Day? + ―kevinerror, Oct 2013 +% +There should be a dating app called 'Dealbreaker' where you lead with your +worst qualities so there are no surprises + ―foodcarts, Jul 2015 +% +I can drink 10 alcoholic cola mixed drinks every weekend without a second +thought but whenever I drink a normal can of coke I feel like a fat fuck + ―187god, Jan 2016 +% +I wonder how many communion wafers you have to eat before you've consumed a +whole Jesus. + ―DagFizz, Jul 2014 +% +There are hundreds of songs that I would probably love but will never hear + ―LiquidMonocle, Mar 2015 +% +People in the middle ages didn't have pizzas, burgers or chips. I wonder what +epic future food I will miss out on. + ―Dota2TradeAccount, Apr 2015 +% +I used to think I wasn't good at anything. Then I realize that I'm really good +at making posts that no one likes. + ―terribly_uncreative, Jul 2015 +% +Walking into a glass door is the best complement a window washer can get. + ―justplainskill, Dec 2015 +% +Your bed is a shelf you put your body on when you're not using it + ―eccentricelmo, Feb 2016 +% +Doesn't matter if you speak or use sign language- you'll develop a stutter +when you get cold. + ―TexasIsCool, May 2016 +% +If birds didn't exist would planes? + ―Amputatoes, Nov 2014 +% +The Seattle Seahawks have made it to the Super Bowl every year since marijuana +was legalized in their state + ―Fubar904, Jan 2015 +% +Ducks are the ultimate animals. They can walk, swim, dive and fly. + ―Alfaron, Feb 2015 +% +Does the square block in Tetris really turns when you click the button? + ―redhotchiliguy, Mar 2016 +% +Katy Perry spends an entire song saying "you're gonna hear me roar" only for +the song to finish with a lion's roar and not her own. + ―thebumm, Jul 2016 +% +If you open Schrödingers box, and the Cat is dead, your Curiosity literally +killed the Cat. + ―MarlinMr, Jul 2016 +% +The First Person to Discover That Parrots Can Talk Must Have Been Really +Freaked Out + ―Dill-usional, Aug 2013 +% +Shout out to the first guy who pointed to a wolf in the distance and said, "I +think we could be friends." + ―CypressSmallz, Feb 2016 +% +There was a point in the past when 1 Terabyte was roughly the total amount of +storage on the planet. + ―Gammy37, Jul 2013 +% +a cocaine addict with the flu would be a very unhappy person. + ―[deleted], Sep 2013 +% +If Edward Snowden was Chinese, Obama would probably invite him for dinner at +the White House and advocate him as a winner for the Nobel Peace prize. + ―[deleted], Oct 2013 +% +What if rocks aren't hard, but just clench when we touch them? + ―WonderSloth, Feb 2014 +% +Life is like coming in to a movie in the middle, having someone explain what +happened before you came in, trying to figure out what's going to happen next, +but getting kicked out before the movie ends. + ―GiggleFats, Mar 2015 +% +Since most suicidal people who survived jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge +jump regret jumping as soon as they do it, could the Oculus Rift/ other VR be +used as a form of therapy to trick the brain into survival mode? + ―AnnaPlastic, Aug 2015 +% +McDonald's should have a 3rd window where you can trade in all the wrong shit +they gave you at the second window + ―Anumix, Jan 2016 +% +You know something is wrong with the healthcare system if you get sick and the +first thing you worry about is "how am I going to pay for this." + ―[deleted], Feb 2016 +% +Maybe I have an obscure superpower like whenever I sneeze lightning strikes in +Pheonix Arizona, but I'll never know. + ―Questhook, Feb 2016 +% +Youtube ads have made me watch less videos rather than more ads + ―JoeButtsmell, Jun 2016 +% +Elastigirl of the Incredibles had to fake child birth pains so they wouldn't +know she was a superhero + ―it_was_a_catch, Nov 2013 +% +A fight over text message is literally a thumb war. + ―FricasseeingRabbit, Sep 2014 +% +Airlines should take into account passenger weight when checking baggage. If a +300 pound guy is able to check a 50 pound bag for free, then as a 140 pound +guy I should be able to check 210 pounds worth of stuff, too. + ―damndudewtf, Mar 2015 +% +Somewhere down the line (far, far down the line) Rockstar should team up with +Google Maps to make an open world GTA game that would allow you to go anywhere +in the world. + ―TheMeridianVase, Jun 2015 +% +After graduating in May, I'm no longer a "broke college student", I'm just +poor. + ―dfitzy92, Aug 2015 +% +As a programmer, I am more concerned when my code works perfectly the first +time than when it doesn't + ―hrangan, Apr 2016 +% +Dopamine and serotonin are technically the only two things you enjoy. + ―Kylehoooks, Jul 2016 +% +Fishing is the underwater equivalent of Alien abduction + ―Narksdog, Oct 2016 +% +If I lived near a time zone line, I could get McDonald's breakfast at noon. + ―IAJAKI, Apr 2014 +% +"Glue sticks" is a name for a construction utensil but also just a fact. + ―Jorogasm, Jan 2016 +% +Most options at Taco Bell are the same thing but in different shapes. + ―uncletugboat, Jul 2016 +% +My twenty year high school reunion is coming up and thanks to Facebook I can +watch all the girls dropping weight like it's their job. + ―ArMcK, Sep 2016 +% +I don't watch porn for the plot, but I do notice plot holes + ―MarsNirgal, Sep 2016 +% +Jesus' statement that man cannot live on bread alone is solid nutritional +advice + ―ekolis, Sep 2016 +% +Apple cars will be the first Apple product to use windows + ―Appaloosa_Slim_Chode, Feb 2015 +% +When I was a kid I used to wake up early to watch cartoons, as an adult I stay +up late watching cartoons + ―bledtobefree, Sep 2015 +% +Maybe reddit has the 'servers are busy' page pop open every so often to give +the impression they are popular + ―HELP_imnotwell, Apr 2016 +% +Somewhere out there it is some chicken's birthday and it doesn't even know it +and I think that is sad + ―OliverAnd, Jun 2016 +% +Parents often say "You'll understand when you're older". I am 33 and still +have no fucking clue + ―jursla, Jun 2016 +% +Windows' "checking a solution to the problem" feature when a program crashes +has never found the solution to the problem. + ―itsjustjaden, Jun 2016 +% +My two-year-old already assumes anything with a display is touch screen. And +by the time he's old enough for me to explain they aren't, they will be. + ―Searchlights, Nov 2014 +% +We're all reading the same Reddit comments in our native accents. + ―FancyPantsBlanton, Nov 2014 +% +Jumping in video games seems to be a necessary form of movement, yet in real +life we rarely, if ever, jump on a daily basis + ―arson0202, Mar 2016 +% +Today's date is a palindrome. 6-10-2016 + ―_atsu, Jun 2016 +% +The shape on top of the Teletubbies' heads are for colorblind people + ―comphys, Oct 2016 +% +Movember is the worst name for a prostate cancer awareness month - what about +Manuary or Brovember? If you're feeling frisky, Cocktober would be a shoe-in. + ―osdre, Nov 2014 +% +Having sex in public is like eating a noisy bag of chips in +church.... Everyone looks at you in disgust but deep down inside they want +some too. + ―hairyfedora, Jan 2015 +% +Somewhere out there is a really tall person named Richard who is literally the +biggest Dick in the world. + ―haddock420, Apr 2015 +% +If you wake up in the morning it is called "morning wood". If you wake up at +night it should be called a "night stick" + ―JBSLB, Jun 2015 +% +Without the water, a shower would be nothing but 10-15 min of fondling +yourself. + ―fighter1495, Aug 2015 +% +Scissors are the hardest things to steal because you can't run away with them + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +I wonder if I have ever bought milk from the same cow more than once + ―sphn609, Feb 2016 +% +Microwaves should have a "midnight snack" button that mutes the beep + ―rtrench, Oct 2016 +% +"Spandex" is a reversal of the syllable sounds in "expand"... + ―gravyboatcaptain2, Aug 2013 +% +All the Star Wars movies are just about the drama of one family. It's +basically "Keeping up with the Skywalkers". + ―Elementaal, Dec 2015 +% +Losing a sneeze is like blue balls for your nose + ―ChiefJ8, Aug 2016 +% +We can't consider Mexicans in general to be stereo-typically lazy, while also +being mad at them for taking all the jobs we don't want to do. + ―Amanroth87, Oct 2016 +% +The word 'dust' is both a noun and a verb but the verb is how you get rid of +the noun. + ―FireManiac58, Oct 2016 +% +Double Dick Dude should be the CEO of Johnson & Johnson. + ―Aduckonquack97, Apr 2015 +% +"So who's driving?" is going to be such an overused joke when self-driving +cars become more widespread. + ―evoke_the_forms, Oct 2015 +% +I wish there was a "WHO WON?" poll at the bottom of every flame war on +Facebook + ―nicomama, Aug 2016 +% +At age 30, you’ve spent a month having birthdays. + ―mrgoldtech, Sep 2016 +% +I think the term "bodybuilder" should be used to describe a pregnant woman. + ―AdamSullivan, Oct 2016 +% +Do Koreans think that Lil Jon, Lil Wayne, Lil Kim, and Lil Bow wow are +siblings? + ―Grizmeer, May 2013 +% +In two years, it will just be Super Bowl L + ―MrBarryThor12, Feb 2014 +% +Pangaea would be a terrible name for a band; you'd know eventually they'd +break up + ―joshannon, Sep 2015 +% +Goyte is now literally just somebody that we used to know. + ―lilidarkwind, Dec 2015 +% +For "John Smith" being such a common name, I've never met someone with the +name. + ―Master-of-my-Domain, May 2016 +% +If everyone was given one free, totally legal kill in their life, I bet +everyone would be much nicer to one another. + ―FreedomsAway, Jun 2016 +% +People who have actually served in the military don't generally tend to +associate the term "military-grade" with premium quality + ―BrawndoTTM, Oct 2016 +% +My so-called "action figures" just stand there. + ―Propane13, Nov 2013 +% +If you ever feel unattractive, remember you look like your ancestors and all +of them got laid. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, then clearly, Mary +had a little lamb. + ―hardcorvd, Feb 2015 +% +Sex changes will become so perfected that someone will be the first person to +tell us if giving birth is more painful than getting hit in the nuts. + ―mementomori_3, Oct 2015 +% +There's most likely a girl from your high school who has a sex tape on the +internet and you'll most likely never find that video. + ―thuursty, Oct 2015 +% +Forcing an atheist relative to go to church because it's Christmas is a bit +like dragging a eunuch along to an orgy because it's Valentine's Day. + ―teaqualizer, Dec 2015 +% +When I was younger I pretended my juice was wine, now I pretend my wine is +juice. + ―iamtalisman, May 2016 +% +I correct autocorrect more than it corrects me. + ―Farhanhm, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder how often people who work at the patent office say to themselves, "I +should have thought of that". + ―drain65, Aug 2016 +% +Telling someone their stillborn infant is in a better place is equal to saying +God kidnapped their baby and is now raising it in a place they will only reach +if they do exactly as he commands + ―This_is_User, Aug 2016 +% +If you buttfuck someone that immigrated to your country, you are anal probing +an alien. + ―BertDaKat, Sep 2013 +% +I feel bad for kids in the future that will grow up on Mars and never make +enough money in their lives to visit Earth + ―nuckingfuts73, Mar 2015 +% +Instead of stink bombs someone should design scent bombs- Small capsules you +can drop and crush discreetly to overpower bad odors on places like trains. + ―Drix22, Oct 2015 +% +Bethesda should have waited to announce Fallout 4's release until the day +of. With the ad campaign of "You never know when a nuclear bomb might go off." + ―fruedain, Nov 2015 +% +The reason your eyes water when you yawn is because you miss your bed and it +makes you sad. + ―Cemil55, Oct 2016 +% +Halloween is the worst day to have an actual, bleeding injury + ―prx_reddit, Oct 2015 +% +The word 'crisp' starts in the back of your mouth and moves its way to the +front when you say it. + ―anderboy101, Dec 2015 +% +It is socially acceptable to say "Good morning" as a greeting and "Good night" +as a farewell, however it would be weird if someone said "Good morning" to you +as a farewell and "Good night" as a greeting + ―Blankman06, Apr 2016 +% +If mother earth is 4.5 billion years old, and it will probably only last +around 7.9 billion years, couldnt that mean that global warming is just the +earth going through menopause? + ―im_not_leo, May 2016 +% +Being awake is exhausting. + ―tofuDragon, Dec 2013 +% +I wonder if there is a Redditor who's only subscribed to r/minimalism + ―coolintheshade, Nov 2014 +% +If you have a fatal heart attack in your self-driving car, would the car just +continue on to it's destination? Would dead people just start showing up at +weddings/parties/work etc.? + ―bertonomus, Jul 2015 +% +I wonder if in 50-60 years there will be TV-Shows like Boardwalk Empire,which +take place during the "marijuana-prohibition". + ―IwannaBeThat-Guy, Oct 2015 +% +Over the course of human history, I wonder what alcohol has been more +responsible for: births or deaths. + ―AndItsDeepToo, Oct 2015 +% +Every ad is an ad for Adblock. + ―gordanfryman, Jan 2016 +% +We should name the new planet Pluto and act like nothing ever happened + ―TSM_Huni, Jan 2016 +% +If we could get the Chinese to believe, that pulverized IS fighter testicles +were an aphrodisiac, we could solve two problems at once. + ―dime-0-dozen, Mar 2016 +% +It make absolutely zero sense that the only vehicles not requiring seatbelts +are giant buses full of children. + ―greenskeeper87, Oct 2016 +% +If santa keeps track of "naughty" kids every "year", and the year doesn't +start until January 1st, that leaves 6 days after Christmas and New Years left +undocumented, so nothing you do can be held against you. + ―PeteDelkus, Oct 2016 +% +Eating something and saying its "tasty" is equivalent to listening to music +and saying its "soundy". + ―regokey, Jan 2015 +% +I am First World Poor. I use my laptop or smartphone to log into my bank +account to see I have no money. + ―killerapt, Sep 2015 +% +Why do people I meet feel the need to tell me about a Japanese roommate or +Chinese girlfriend they once had in college just because I'm Korean? I should +just reply by telling them about an Irish prostitute I once had. + ―portajohnjackoff, Mar 2016 +% +99.9999% of the human population doesnt even know you exist + ―CleanAndRebuild, Mar 2016 +% +Whenever I type 'etc..' I'm completely out of examples. + ―what10134, Oct 2016 +% +I went from being told 'You are too young to understand' to 'you are old +enough to know better' without being told when it happened. + ―getsome73, May 2014 +% +If the Fault in Our Stars movies failed because of bad acting, the fault would +be in their stars. + ―Dumprrr, Sep 2014 +% +Every time my husband and I have sex we both set a new record for the oldest +person we've done it with + ―Weinerwanger, Mar 2015 +% +Saturday morning cartoons were to keep us busy while our parents got over +their hangovers. + ―dsvii, Oct 2015 +% +There should be a thing called "Secret Satan" where people draw each others +names and then secretly prank each other throughout December. + ―Redsunrise086, Nov 2015 +% +Have I ever had milk from the same cow twice? + ―HenGuy, Sep 2013 +% +Brad Pitt has fought all three World Wars. + ―SSJ4MajinGogetenks, Sep 2014 +% +Cross dressing could be really popular in Muslim countries that use the burka, +and nobody would ever even know. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +Someone should put a GoPro on a bull during the Running of the Bulls. + ―Oragif, Dec 2014 +% +If Jehovah's Witnesses believe there are only 144,000 spots in heaven, why do +they go around telling everyone about it instead of keeping it a secret? + ―TheBentWookie, May 2015 +% +99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't +like any more. + ―TommehBoi, Sep 2015 +% +All humans want is an excuse to be silly. Children act silly because they +don't need an excuse yet. Young adults use alcohol as an excuse to be +silly. Parents use their children as an excuse to be silly. And then old +people just use being old as an excuse to be silly. + ―rcw737, Sep 2015 +% +When someone writes "tho" I think "ugh". I'm not judging them that's just +what's missing. + ―BlackBox-, Sep 2016 +% +Kids growing up now will regard the pre-internet era as some kind of +unimaginable dark age + ―earlyamerican, Mar 2015 +% +Hangovers are the body's way of saying "Oh, by the way, that was poison." + ―chrscoast, Jun 2015 +% +The future President of the United States shit his pants today and will +definitely need a nap later. + ―EpiCurus09, Sep 2015 +% +All Olympic events should save a spot for a random, average person so viewers +can see how much better the athletes are than normal people + ―graaahh, Aug 2016 +% +Reddit to me is what the morning newspaper was for my dad. + ―digitalwolverine, Aug 2016 +% +Somewhere in China there's a factory that pumps out Made in China stickers +with smaller Made in China stickers on them + ―aliensdoskate, Jul 2014 +% +Shakespeare invented over 2000 words. I wonder were the audience ever just sat +there with no idea what the actors were saying, really confused. + ―generiquai, Sep 2014 +% +There should be a place where people with only one foot can connect with +people of that are of only the other foot so that they can collaborate when +purchasing shoes and such. + ―agramsey, Jan 2015 +% +Nothing makes you feel more emotions in less time than getting your finger +stuck in a small hole and being unable to pull it out + ―ScoopskyPotatos, Nov 2015 +% +Pornhub should make a video where a old guy "falls into" an 18 year old girl + ―khumps, Dec 2015 +% +I bet the medieval stretching torture device felt really good for the first +few seconds. + ―windowlicker1234, Mar 2016 +% +As a retail employee, I can't think of a more cruel method of torture as +listening to the same fifteen songs for fifty hours a week at an unreasonable +wage. + ―Moonjabi, Aug 2016 +% +There should be a word for getting nostalgic about a video game, installing +it, playing it for 10 minutes and getting bored because you've already +finished it a hundred times and then deleting in. + ―Khal_Doggo, Sep 2016 +% +Half the time when it says the video will start after an advertisement I +decide, "Meh, I don't really want to watch this video that much anyways" and +close it. + ―jbsacks1, Sep 2016 +% +What if, like, all the ants declared war on us. We'd be fucked, right? + ―ask_me_if_im_naked, Sep 2013 +% +The game 2048 will probably have a comeback in the year 2048 + ―pacreams, Jul 2014 +% +Today is like 4/20 for alcoholics + ―Tyrantt_47, Mar 2015 +% +The horse that was led to water but would not drink probably ended up being +the same horse was that was beaten after it died. + ―hannahbutt, Mar 2015 +% +Lets say we send humans to another solar system after discovering a new +technology, but it takes 100 years. Then, 50 years later, Eearth finds an even +newer technology to send them there in only 4 years. So when the first humans +arrive, they see the planet is already habited by humans. + ―XoidObioX, May 2015 +% +The phrase "No one's left" means opposite things depending on if the +contraction is for "is" or "has." + ―CoffeeHamster, May 2015 +% +The floor is the only thing that I get more scared of the further away I am +from it. + ―dont_worryaboutit139, Nov 2015 +% +Scrolling through Facebook is just like scrolling through Reddit 2 days ago. + ―northwitch, Sep 2016 +% +Even if you managed to legitimately catch a ghost on camera, it's so easy to +fake that nobody would ever believe you. + ―DaeronTheHandsome, Dec 2014 +% +The reason i haven't met my soulmate is she's to busy smoking pot and browsing +dank memes. + ―MrOinkers, Aug 2015 +% +It seriously needs to be illegal for sound effects of emergency vehicle sirens +to be played on radio commercials. + ―Inceptagon, Aug 2015 +% +As most people are buried in suits, the zombie apocalypse would be a rather +formal affair. + ―Nosferatii, Sep 2015 +% +The "TIL" subreddit should really be called, "today I got stuck in a wiki loop +and this is what i found + ―ame22, Dec 2015 +% +I have a fear that someone will break in my house while I'm pooping and I have +to fight him without wiping. + ―OystersClamssCockles, Feb 2016 +% +Smokers literally pay for cancer. + ―IZismyname, Apr 2016 +% +A female cannibal has the ability to create her own food. + ―jouelle1, Jul 2016 +% +The tallest person alive has been the same height as every single person in +the world at one point. + ―r_il, Oct 2016 +% +The Actor, Sean Bean should have to pronounce his name either 'Seen Been', or +'Shawn Bawn', he can't have it both ways. + ―SgtPembry, Apr 2014 +% +Being underwater is a cruel joke. You can fly, but you can't breathe. + ―rtfitzy13, Nov 2014 +% +Porn websites specialising in orgies should use .org instead of .com + ―RedCardedForever, Apr 2015 +% +Growing up in an Anglican church, whenever somebody says "May the fourth be +with you," I always want to say "and also with you" + ―carlobananna, May 2015 +% +Stairs are actually just slopes at really low resolution + ―velvety123, May 2015 +% +Rap is to poetry as graffiti is to calligraphy. + ―VYshouldhavewon, Jul 2015 +% +In videogames, no one walks anywhere. In real life, no one sprints anywhere. + ―UnmortalBeing, Nov 2015 +% +The important thing is that bigfoot believes in himself + ―waxpatriot, Apr 2016 +% +Urinals should have a screen showing how many ounces you've pissed along with +high scores. + ―regularpizza, Oct 2015 +% +Commitment is opening an ice cream container and throwing out the lid + ―sawer707, Jun 2016 +% +Jesus backwards sounds like sausage. + ―Siricelemontea, Jul 2013 +% +For me, all Reddit posts are NSFW. Because if I get caught browsing Reddit at +work I'll be fired. + ―iamjamieq, May 2015 +% +Pornhub's background is dark so that it doesn't hurt your eyes when you are +browsing with the lights off. + ―askmypen, Dec 2015 +% +Fishing would be a lot less popular if fish had vocal cords. + ―Beerhead3214, Mar 2016 +% +What we think smells like coffee is actually boogers and coffee. What we think +smells like steak is steak and boogers. We smell boogers all day, every day, +and we don't even know it. It's like a booger Matrix. + ―Hospitaliter, Apr 2016 +% +Facebook really needs an 'Are You Sure' confirmation screen before you can +accidentally like someone's photos that are over a year old. + ―Karmadontpaytherent, Oct 2016 +% +If Kanye West were to win Album of the Year over Beyonce, would he have to +interrupt himself? + ―Takadorable, Feb 2015 +% +Marry, fuck, kill could also be called treasure, pleasure, or an extreme +measure + ―JazzyJarvis, Mar 2016 +% +I always imagine the questions in Askreddit are all from the same person. He +seems nice but a little annoying. + ―onmyphoneusername, May 2016 +% +It really bothers me that we pay sports stars millions of dollars each year +but my goal of doing research to figure out causes and solutions to mental +illness will pay me $45,000 a year after 10 years of university, if I am +lucky. + ―Existential_Fluff, Jul 2016 +% +Getting mail as a child is infinitely more fun than getting mail as an adult. + ―Aschindler88, Aug 2016 +% +Every time a celebrity dies, someone goes through their Wikipedia article and +change all of the 'is' phrases to 'was'. + ―percussionartisan, Aug 2016 +% +I always thought jokes about Germans were exaggerated, until I spent 30 +minutes to explain the concept of knock knock jokes to my German dad + ―Priamosish, Sep 2016 +% +A man's wife is also his ex-girlfriend. + ―w00tkid, Jul 2014 +% +I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing. + ―nest-ce-pas, Apr 2015 +% +If I tell others I'll teach my sons to respect women, I sound like a nice +guy. If I say I'll teach my daughters to respect men, I sound like a +misogynist + ―runnaway20, May 2015 +% +There are no female minions because they reproduce asexually. The 2-eyed +minions are in the process of mitosis. + ―streamline57, Nov 2015 +% +Everyone pointing out for years that Leo hasn't won an Oscar was more of a +recognition of his talent than the actual Oscar. + ―mortyshaw, Feb 2016 +% +We never wash our belts, but they are the first thing we touch after wiping +our butts. + ―noodlepoops, Jun 2016 +% +Hogwarts should have a muggle teacher, to teach about electricity and such. + ―because_both_sides, Oct 2014 +% +The terrorist attacks of September 11th are closer time wise to the fall of +the Berlin Wall than they are to today. + ―petersenman21, Dec 2014 +% +Intentionally losing at Rock Paper Scissors is just as hard as trying to win + ―SideBern, Sep 2015 +% +A Vagina's Purpose is to Squeeze the Life Out of a Penis + ―ikes9711, Apr 2016 +% +If a ghost is trying to kill you, does he want you as a friend? + ―daneerlr, Aug 2016 +% +Google earth should have a nighttime feature so you can see different cities' +night life. + ―Natedizzoggy, Sep 2016 +% +Halloween is the best day to break out of prison. + ―TokenWhiteGuy_, Oct 2013 +% +Buttplugs are reverse pacifiers. + ―tawksick, Dec 2014 +% +When someone says 'ten years ago' my immediate thought is not 2005... + ―crunchyturtles, Jan 2015 +% +We live in a world with self driving cars able to talk across oceans in +milliseconds and sending people into space yet vending machines still can't +handle a crumpled dollar + ―thejohnnypalms, Feb 2015 +% +Microwaves should have a stealth mode to disable all alarms and button noises. + ―evo_overlord_lite, May 2016 +% +If you put a hat on the ground, its like the earth is wearing a really tiny +hat. + ―lnning, Oct 2016 +% +You can't change the volume of the voice inside your head, you can however +change the pitch and tone + ―Sir_BaconStripper, Jun 2014 +% +When an alarm goes off, its actually turning on. + ―hashbit, Jan 2015 +% +There should be a universal word which politely means "Sorry, I don't speak +your language". + ―nipplemuff, Apr 2015 +% +A fine is just a mandatory bribe. + ―astraf, Apr 2015 +% +Marvel should make a documentary on Stan Lee and have all his characters make +cameos + ―jstohler, May 2015 +% +The first person to chop a onion probably thought they were going blind. + ―Pupettoloco, Aug 2016 +% +A romantic comedy movie where a woman is sent back in time to aid 18yo Adolf +Hitler pass into The Academy of Fine Arts Vienna to prevent the holocaust. + ―kharanos, Sep 2014 +% +Someone, at some point in history had to look at a beehive and think: "I know +those little bastards are hiding something good." + ―Comment_Sense, Dec 2014 +% +We're all Internet Explorers. + ―m3s3dup, May 2015 +% +In the future, our kids will ask us why we say "there's plenty of fish in the +sea". + ―tonyp808, Sep 2015 +% +A "zombie apocalypse" is actually a human apocalypse and is technically a +zombie genesis + ―Stufflefttodo, Jun 2016 +% +Watching Scooby Doo growing up made me think that losing my glasses would be a +much more frequent and severe problem in life + ―LordNelson27, Sep 2016 +% +All those rappers that bought huge gold chains in the 80's and 90's actually +made pretty prudent investments. + ―U_P_G_R_A_Y_E_D_D, Aug 2014 +% +Netflix needs a shuffle button for those shows that I don't care which episode +I watch. + ―jsl3424, May 2015 +% +When I talk to someone on the phone, my voice is traveling faster than sound. + ―Dythiese, Jun 2015 +% +I'm from California and I can't take a long enough shower to have shower +thoughts + ―JUUKO82, Sep 2015 +% +A set of red, yellow, and green lights have more authority than I ever will. + ―JMS230, Oct 2015 +% +When translated, "The Los Angeles Angels" literally means "The The Angels +Angels". + ―AkrArsenal, Oct 2015 +% +Sarah Connor was the very first victim of cyber-bullying. + ―ViewedAskew, Feb 2016 +% +When I was young, I was terrified of ending up middle-aged and alone. Now I am +and it's fucking awesome! + ―Mumblix_Grumph, Mar 2016 +% +In the universe of the movie "Cars," rental cars could be considered +prostitutes + ―dongpoop, Feb 2015 +% +It's such a cliche in movies and TV but I don't think I've ever been in an +elevator that actually had music playing. + ―[deleted], May 2015 +% +Everyone on reddit has the same voice as me. + ―ryno8933, Apr 2015 +% +How attractive I feel changes a lot from day to day, week to week, but I +probably look exactly the same to everyone else. + ―postymcpostpost, Dec 2015 +% +The term "manhood" could be a nickname for foreskin. + ―seenit3, Nov 2014 +% +Instead of playing Monopoly, rich kids should play a game called Philanthropy, +where they learn how to responsibly give away money. + ―zserdenb, Feb 2015 +% +Every year Maddam Tussaud sculptures get better. What if this is not because +they get better at making them, but because our celebrities are gradually +looking more like fake wax sculptures themselves, with all the photoshop and +plastic surgery they receive? + ―desperadojoe, Aug 2015 +% +I'm going to be dead longer than I'm going to live + ―dicvalero, Jun 2016 +% +When I move my body, I am literally moving matter with my mind. + ―AMVRocks, Aug 2016 +% +Millions of drops of rain pounding on a roof is soothing while a single drop +of water dripping from a faucet becomes extremely irritating. + ―yawatt, Sep 2016 +% +Beds are chargers for humans + ―Greenwindu, Oct 2014 +% +The number 92 kind of looks like a person on their hands and knees. + ―PiggehPerson, Mar 2015 +% +We need a rival planet. + ―Cherri2000, Jan 2016 +% +I wonder if unemployed people get annoyed at NSFW tags + ―jeihkeih, Feb 2016 +% +A haiku consists of three stanzas that follow a pattern of 5/7/5. If you +divide five by seven and then by five, you get 0.142857142857. This number, +when read aloud, is a haiku. + ―PerpetualCamel, Apr 2016 +% +As a kid, getting too big for your clothes is exciting and good. As an adult, +it’s depressing and awful. + ―SAMUEL_RANDY147, Sep 2016 +% +Slight [NSFW] I wish all of my body parts would grow twice as big and strong +when I need to use them just like my penis does. + ―skeptical_dragon, Dec 2014 +% +giving birth was probably a piece of cake for mrs incredible + ―danebol, May 2016 +% +I wish someone was as protective with me as fast food places are of their +dipping sauces + ―-thisperson, May 2016 +% +A fired bullet is called a 'slug' because it doesn't have it's shell anymore. + ―Rocketoast, Jul 2013 +% +If reincarnation is real, suicide would be a temporary solution to a permanent +problem + ―Jonny_Axehandle, Dec 2014 +% +People who get quotes tattooed should add a footnote and get the source +tattooed on their feet. + ―sirwobblz, Mar 2015 +% +Life is just a constant battle between wanting a six pack and wanting a six +pack. + ―NOTW_116, Jul 2015 +% +My stomach probably thinks I'm an amazing hunter. + ―V_gan, Feb 2016 +% +I have been a pizza deliveryman for 72 hours. So far, exactly zero sexy +babysitters have answered the door. I feel like I've been cheated, somehow. + ―brokenimage321, Aug 2016 +% +Using your phone without a case is like having sex without a condom - it's +risky but feels amazing. + ―bwitt33, Oct 2016 +% +If you peed in zero gravity, the stream would go in a perfectly straight line, +allowing you to target fellow astronauts from a considerable distance. + ―datums, Oct 2013 +% +If Microsoft keeps naming new versions of Windows with the next higher number, +eventually they'll get up to Windows 95 again. + ―ju2tin, Aug 2014 +% +A ship the size of the Death Star must usually have thousands of exhaust +ports. Designing it to have only one is a technical marvel, not a design flaw. + ―nowhereman136, Apr 2015 +% +I have no problem buying a single can ok Coke for $1, but I debate if the $5 +for the 12 pack is really worth it + ―lordtuto, Jul 2015 +% +Letting Jesus take the wheel doesn't seem like that smart of an idea when you +remember he's over 2,000 years old and doesn't have a driver's license. + ―SirZiggyStardust, Aug 2015 +% +It would be amazingly terrifying if animals waged war against each other like +humans do. You'd wake up, get a cup of coffee and look out your window and say +things like "Oh shit, looks like the bears and eagles are fightin' again." + ―gmcemu, Oct 2015 +% +When deaf people are talking with sign language, I feel like I'm the deaf one +that can't hear them. + ―Rhovandir, Nov 2015 +% +My life is extremely similar to Rihanna's song, just work work work, and the +rest of it I can't really understand. + ―Duskberserker, Mar 2016 +% +Sometimes I wonder how many strangers I saw last year are now dead. + ―Anson845, Sep 2016 +% +Isn't it weird that war is literally just a concept of "we can't come to a +logical solution so we're just going to try to kill all of your people" + ―freakinlaservision, Oct 2016 +% +My clothes have been to countries I have never been to. + ―Runningcolt, Dec 2013 +% +I wonder if I've ever seen a conception while watching porn. + ―BiigCol, Dec 2014 +% +I'm more conscious of citing my references on Reddit than I ever was about +citing sources for my papers in high school and college + ―Icameforsloth, Dec 2014 +% +My parents taught me not to eat everything you see in nature. The first lesson +I will teach my kids is that you don't click on every link you see on the +internet. + ―MrCookiebuzzer, Jan 2015 +% +Legally "space" begins 100 kilometres above sea level on Earth, which means +we're never more than 100km, give or take a few, from space our entire +lives. Many people live closer to space than they do to the ocean, or even +their state capital. + ―ColbyStein, Oct 2015 +% +Cars with automatic braking would suck in a zombie apocalypse + ―Betreatis, Jan 2016 +% +When my tongue is burned from drinking hot beverages I realize how much I +underappreciate the time my tongue is not burned + ―naughty_farmer, Feb 2016 +% +Britain is the Leeroy Jenkins of Europe right now. + ―mangoesfuckyeah, Jun 2016 +% +So much public money goes into sports stadiums we need separation of sport and +state + ―91394320394, Oct 2016 +% +Maybe the reason we haven't been visited by anyone from the future is because +the human race is wiped out before we develop time travel. + ―FATRONNEY, Jul 2013 +% +Fat people have more skin than skinny people. Shouldn't 'skinny' be a term +used to describe fat people? + ―joustah, May 2014 +% +If the phrase "You are what you eat" applies to the entire food chain then we +are all just shit and sunlight. + ―mattg63, Nov 2014 +% +When I lie on the ground looking up at the sky I am facing out at the universe +with the entire planet behind me. + ―phonyculture, Mar 2015 +% +On the bright side, tanning beds are slowly killing the right people. + ―LLAMA_CHASER, Jul 2015 +% +I've learned more about David Bowie in the past 24 hours, than I have in my +whole life. + ―APSmells, Jan 2016 +% +When a blind woman tells her boyfriend that she is seeing someone, it could +either be really terrible news or really great news. + ―TheyRedHot, Jul 2016 +% +the divide symbol ÷ represents numerator over denominator. the dots are +placeholders. + ―Raven_Rise, Jun 2013 +% +Can the Pope bless all the water in the world or does he have an effective +blessing range to make it Holy Water? + ―swaggermint, Mar 2015 +% +Saying you're on Tinder to "find friends" is like saying you're going to a +crackhouse to buy aspirin. + ―Alex_Huntington, Sep 2015 +% +I wonder if I've ever eaten an egg that came from a chicken I ate. + ―LuciferJohnson, Nov 2015 +% +The only reason celebrities always say people should "follow their dreams" is +because they're part of the small percentage who were actually successful. + ―nykcreo, Jul 2016 +% +Throughout all my years working construction, I've never once used a piece of +construction paper. + ―thehangoverer, Oct 2016 +% +It just dawned on me; characters in movies are always watching really old +movies because those movies don't require a royalty fee anymore. + ―Tre-ben, Jul 2014 +% +if we found out that pollution was negatively affecting internet speed, the +air would get so clean so fast + ―KainTulogShoryuken, Sep 2015 +% +Every time you take the garbage out it's like the house is taking a shit. + ―Mehrdvd, Mar 2016 +% +In movies why doesn't the villain spray paint all the bomb wires black + ―robowes, Oct 2016 +% +Snapchat videos should have the option of putting a NSFW tag on them so I know +whether or not I can open them in public. + ―finishyourbeer, Jun 2014 +% +With 7 billion people, getting laid is statistically the easiest it's ever +been in the history of the world. Yet I'm still home alone. In my boxers. On +reddit. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +9GAG, Buzzfeed, UNILAD, and Facebook are all screwed tomorrow + ―PokemonRuneScape, Jul 2015 +% +Dating a girl as tall as you helps correct your body and neck posture. + ―masterconjuror, Mar 2016 +% +How shitty do you think that one kid in Airbud felt when he got replaced by a +dog in the championship game? + ―lmpossibear, May 2016 +% +There's no louder sound than the crunch of something you are not supposed to +be eating. + ―DeezNeezuts, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder if anyone else gets annoyed that Facebook videos get bigger when you +click on them instead of pausing. + ―drain65, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if Humanity is in the first or second half of its existence + ―Ellie_X, Apr 2014 +% +If a woman had a one-night stand with a different man every week, people would +make jokes about her vagina being loose from overuse. If a different woman was +in a relationship and had sex with her SO 2-3 times a week, no one would make +those jokes. + ―Marx0r, Mar 2015 +% +Why aren't anal cream pies called moonpies + ―knifeaddict, Nov 2015 +% +If a car lives a successful life, it will never touch another car. + ―cpappagiorgio, Apr 2016 +% +There is absolutely no reason for the alphabet to be in the order it's in. + ―Agree_With_You, May 2016 +% +Because of Tinder, it's easier for me to meet women on my toilet than at a +bar. + ―big_rusty, Jul 2016 +% +At some point in the future paralympics will be better than olympics due of +biotechnology + ―nyc_a, Aug 2016 +% +A swimmingpool is basically a ball pit, only with very small balls. + ―SoilworkFanatic, Mar 2014 +% +Will Smith has one of the most generic white guy names ever + ―bamboo-coffee, Nov 2014 +% +Are medusa's pubes snakes? + ―Guava_, Jan 2015 +% +If you buy a new physical copy of a book you should be able to enter a code +into a Nook or Kindle to be able to read it on those devices for free. + ―Goldsmifff, Aug 2015 +% +We all know there is a secret service, which means there isn't a secret +service. + ―gpemby, Sep 2015 +% +England have managed to exit the Euro twice in one week. + ―bungeeman, Jun 2016 +% +There is probably an actual person named Jake who works at State Farm, and he +probably hears a joke about it every single day. + ―Dreamlite, Sep 2016 +% +Today was the most important day in somebody's life, and all I did was browse +reddit. + ―HCM4, Nov 2013 +% +Taking medicine when you're sick is essentially your body electing to hire +mercenaries to fight the war for you. + ―Trinate3618, Jan 2016 +% +I can't remember the last time world peace was talked about except in a beauty +competition. + ―kefkaisgod45, Aug 2016 +% +Never in my entire life have I been naked for 24 hours straight. + ―ChristopherDanie, Oct 2016 +% +I wish I could swipe away content I've seen so that it doesn't reappear on my +homepage of the reddit app. That way I wouldn't have to keep seeing the same +thing over and over every time I start the app + ―halaahaa, Oct 2016 +% +As Wolverine, Hugh Jackman is a huge, jacked man. + ―DoctorImperialism, Dec 2013 +% +The beginning of "tomorrow" and the end of "yesterday" make "today". + ―guard_cow, May 2014 +% +Frozen is the first time Disney on Ice makes any sense. + ―letsdosomethingcrazy, Feb 2015 +% +The third hand on a clock is called the second hand. + ―bobcat009, Oct 2015 +% +Most of the sky is actually below you + ―xma-3, Sep 2016 +% +We should put poison in pizza sauce, and the antidote in the crust. So we can +weed out the people who don't eat the crust and finish them once and for all. + ―reeverrama, Oct 2015 +% +In Toystory, at what stage during manufacture do the toys become alive. + ―lewisisbrown, May 2016 +% +Mowing the lawn is basically just shaving the Earth's face. + ―EggyMean, Jun 2013 +% +I'm one of those that think that 1995 is 10 years ago but now 2004 is 10 years +ago + ―coolsteed, Jan 2014 +% +If you were to learn the English language by watching TV cop shows, you might +think that "Freeze!" means "Run!" + ―[deleted], Apr 2014 +% +I've considered acting like a sociopath for awhile just to see what people +would do...then I realized that's something a sociopath would do. + ―IAmNoRo, Jul 2015 +% +If you steal a pen from a bank you just robbed a bank. + ―beelzenoob, Jan 2016 +% +The word "girls" is 10x dirtier on a neon sign. + ―milksteak-n-magnets, Jun 2016 +% +Centaurs have two rib cages. + ―brancakes, Sep 2016 +% +To the guy that invented zero, thanks for nothing + ―[deleted], Sep 2016 +% +Sleeping is cool. It's like being dead without the commitment. + ―Pritchardness, Jan 2015 +% +Dollar bills don't have dollar signs on them. + ―IamBOXBOY, Sep 2015 +% +Computers should allow an alternative password that unlocks your computer but +also closes all open windows. + ―TheAbjectLol, Sep 2015 +% +The most common animal in zoos is humans + ―ahdecoy, Oct 2015 +% +I like how "as fuck" is a common unit of measurement. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +In Star Wars: A New Hope, when the rebels are describing the size of the +target area they specifically say "two METERS wide" to avoid using the +Imperial system + ―elliot91, Jun 2016 +% +Over the past 39 years I've watched all the Star Wars movies and I just +realized that I have no idea why the Rebellion is rebelling other than the +fact that the Empire is just a big bunch of assholes. + ―bogdogger, Aug 2016 +% +If nudity were socially acceptable, pubic hair styling could be a legitimate +profession + ―ALostPastor, Feb 2014 +% +What if in 100 years, people say "google it" as a way of telling someone to +search for information and nobody knows why. + ―GAGEMF, May 2014 +% +When you look at a picture of the Earth - all the green you see is +plants. That's a fuckload of plants. + ―GangreneGangbang, Jun 2014 +% +The plot of "This Is The End, Part II" should be that The Interview came out +and North Korea actually nuked us. + ―JerseyIsHome, Dec 2014 +% +Companies like Coke and Visa will immediately cut ties with celebrities who +cheat on their wives or say something hateful, but they're hesitant when it +comes to not sponsoring slave labor conditions in Qatar ahead of the World +Cup. + ―dgorv, May 2015 +% +What Facebook really needs in their settings is an "ignore all game requests" +setting. + ―Sierraman, May 2015 +% +Its amazing how potatoes give us chips, french fries and vodka. Get your shit +together, every other vegetable + ―RossD123, Jul 2015 +% +If an alien came up to me one day and said “take me to your leader”, I would +have no idea how to accomplish that. + ―Jack_leon25, Aug 2016 +% +(rich) humans are becoming elves - low birthrates, long lifespans, and +magic-like technology + ―Pfluftl, Sep 2016 +% +If every cigarette takes 5 mins off my life, but I spend 10 mins enjoying it, +then I'm still operating at a net gain. + ―gaythxbai, Oct 2016 +% +Movie theaters should have a headphone jack so I can bring noise cancelling +headphones and adjust my own volume. + ―CallMeZach, Nov 2014 +% +I would sacrifice my life in a heartbeat to save my wife, but I won't take out +the fucking trash + ―aDAMNPATRIOT, Dec 2014 +% +They should make a movie about The Spanish Inquisition and release it without +announcing or advertising it beforehand. + ―TehKookinator, Mar 2015 +% +What if the cure for autism turns out to be a vaccine? + ―kidindiana, Mar 2015 +% +Getting A Ticket Is Like Retroactively Purchasing A Permit To Do Something +Illegal + ―SovanaaCasanova, Jun 2015 +% +We have the best quality microphones and speakers for leisure, but places like +airports which make important announcements seem to use awful equipment. + ―HollyJSpark, Aug 2015 +% +The rule, "There are exceptions to every rule" is the only rule without +exception, making itself the exception to the rule. + ―JeamBim, Oct 2015 +% +I haven't heard of any Bigfoot sightings in awhile. I hope he is ok + ―a_cool_username_, Mar 2016 +% +I've never seen an angel depicted with a moustache. + ―population_you, Jul 2016 +% +Growing up and becoming 'Mature' essentially boils down to your capacity to +cope with the imperfections of the world and the fact that life isn't +fair. Your level of maturity boils down to how good you are at taking shit. To +get anywhere you have to be a black belt in taking shit. + ―tekprodfx16, Oct 2016 +% +The way Floyd Mayweather ran away from Pacquiao to avoid being punched and +beaten, I wonder if he now understands what its like to be married to Floyd +Mayweather. + ―childstardarkshadows, May 2015 +% +We should put the "American" first. American-African, American-European, +American-Asian. In no time we'll get tired of adding the second part and just +call each other Americans. + ―JSUknow, Jul 2015 +% +The term "space bar" sounds like something way cooler than it actually is. + ―the_leif, Aug 2015 +% +Waiting phone times would be a lot less boring If you were connected to +another random person waiting. + ―Biobak_, Nov 2015 +% +I should start a Chik-Fila black market operating only on Sundays + ―drtrillphill, Nov 2015 +% +"IT Guy" is the most vague, but common, job title that people accept +universally at face value. + ―zerofuxstillhungry, Jan 2016 +% +I'm awed that two servings of pasta can be made, packaged, shipped thousands +of miles, bought and resold to me for $0.18 each. Yet one stamp is $0.49. + ―Cops_Are_Stupid_Pigs, Jan 2016 +% +Usually while watching How Its Made I wonder how the machines are made that +make the product. + ―kopacetix, Feb 2016 +% +If the USA were a gritty drama on HBO or Netflix, we'd all be complaining +about how unrealistic this latest season has been. + ―rosewards, Jul 2016 +% +Sociopaths would be better at customer service because they're used to faking +empathy and other emotions. + ―Cameronious, Sep 2013 +% +Charles Manson was able to get married while in prison. I can't even find +dates for Friday nights. + ―PM_ME_UR_PYJAMAS, Nov 2014 +% +If a million of us picked a certain redditor and followed them on social +media, we would have the power to make someone famous + ―doesitmakenoise, Apr 2015 +% +The "Mac" in Mac and cheese is a perfect acronym for Mac and cheese. + ―watching_fucky_stuff, May 2015 +% +Ex-Girlfriends should be called Near Mrs. + ―JoelMB98, Jun 2015 +% +The only correct answer to "Are you sleeping?" is "No." + ―TitanicMan, Jun 2015 +% +If the regulars at /r/relationships took over /r/MechanicAdvice, they'd tell +everyone to junk their cars. + ―moethebartender, Aug 2015 +% +The snooze button on your phone should get smaller and smaller each time your +press it + ―Genki21, Oct 2015 +% +When someone claims to be constipated, they are full of shit whether they are +telling the truth or lying. + ―TheCreatorLovesYou, May 2016 +% +Hearing someone was 'hacked' doesn't strike fear the way it would have 100 +years ago. + ―nida_jaza, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder if when I pat a rhythm on my dog, he knows I'm making a beat or if he +just thinks I'm super bad at petting him? + ―serhm, Oct 2016 +% +The word "Verb" is a noun. + ―Zappion, Jul 2013 +% +Before cameras, no-one had ever seen themselves with their eyes closed. + ―Manakin, Jul 2014 +% +The entire spectrum of human skin color can be found on toast. + ―cryptadia, Aug 2014 +% +In my head, you all have the exact same voice as me. + ―retuurntheslaab, Nov 2015 +% +If Jesus had died today, he probably would have been the subject of many memes +just like Harambe + ―TheDavyStar, Sep 2016 +% +The written question "What was the last thing you read?" always has the same +answer. + ―SeniorFruitTech, Nov 2015 +% +Everyone can speak telepathically, but no one knows how to listen + ―Veritoss43, Oct 2014 +% +Family Guy is mostly Seth Macfarlane talking to himself. + ―Rhinojo, Nov 2014 +% +Idea for a gay bar name: Members Only + ―iamstealthor, Apr 2015 +% +I'm more likely to get a virus from porn than sex. + ―ArcaneInsane, Apr 2015 +% +There should be a dog toy hidden inside each dog food bag just like there were +toys in Cracker Jack boxes. + ―Archers_bane, Jan 2016 +% +Why are all dildos circumcised? + ―Wyatt1313, Dec 2014 +% +I'm drunk at the end of every year and drunk at the beginning of ever year. + ―Dontbjelly, Jan 2016 +% +The notion that a ghosts moans may have been started by children whose parents +were having sex but later denied having heard or made the noise.. + ―cagar003, May 2016 +% +Paying off your credit card bill is like sending your money back in time. + ―safety_jam, May 2016 +% +You don't feel old until scrolling to your year of birth takes too damn long + ―Darkwyntr, Jun 2016 +% +Soon all background actors are just going to be staring at their phones to +make it more believable + ―ordinary-o, Jul 2016 +% +If my nose was on upside down, I'd drown while taking this shower. + ―Cry2Laugh, Oct 2013 +% +What if a symptom of Ebola is the desire to travel. + ―wileypost, Oct 2014 +% +It's weird that Universal's logo is just the Earth. + ―jayhawk8808, Jun 2015 +% +If you spell "Strap-on" backwards, it spells "No Parts" + ―-_Chris_-, Jul 2015 +% +Facebook has made me realize that if could read people's minds, I would +probably kill myself. + ―mtme3, Nov 2015 +% +Any machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrongly. + ―Drekked, Apr 2016 +% +Oedipus didn't actually have an Oedipus Complex; he didn't know the woman he +was sleeping with was his mother, and he was disgusted when he found out. + ―LaunchOurRocket, Jun 2016 +% +I'm close with my best friend so I describe her as my "sister." I'm close with +my sister so I refer to her as my "best friend." + ―OrangeNinja24, Sep 2016 +% +Pressing on your feet relieves the pain from pressing on your feet + ―LaticustheThylacine, Oct 2016 +% +If humans share 50-60% of DNA with bananas, does that mean some people are 10% +more banana than others? + ―djinforthewin, Jul 2013 +% +You know what would be funny? If a giant monster movie turned out to be a +power rangers movie at the very end. + ―Whats_Up4444, Sep 2014 +% +Xbox ONE sounds like the President's Xbox + ―mmmnjes, Feb 2015 +% +The human body is able to convert pizza into high fives + ―JBaker68, Mar 2015 +% +What if your dog brings you the same toy because he thinks that it is YOUR +favorite toy? And when you throw it, he brings it back because he is thinking +"No! Don't throw it! It's your favorite toy!" + ―ultimatekid610, Jun 2016 +% +If you marry someone from a criminal family, your in-laws are outlaws. + ―HerrGansefus, Jun 2016 +% +Are two icicles a bicycle? + ―Propane13, Nov 2013 +% +Multiplayer videogames are just really elaborate thumb wrestling matches. + ―HerrBongwasser, May 2014 +% +A fat girl bragging about boob size is like an unemployed person bragging +about having the day off + ―Justkevin87, Apr 2015 +% +When you're pregnant you have to drink virgin drinks. + ―CourageKitten, Jun 2016 +% +Congress should be paid minimum wage. + ―MyfanwyTiffany, Jul 2016 +% +If my Father masturbated once more or once less in his entire life up until my +conception, I would never have been born. + ―powellthegreasy, Oct 2016 +% +Reckless driving is a bad thing. Wreckless driving is a good thing + ―Jalapeno_milkshake, Aug 2013 +% +A mute super villain would be unstoppable + ―bertweaze, Sep 2014 +% +Since dogs live shorter lives than humans, maybe their sense of time is +different and that's why they are so excited to see you whenever you come +back. + ―raf3776, Feb 2015 +% +Father's day is a celebration of motherfuckers. + ―coppergone, Jun 2016 +% +I'd much rather have Gordon Ramsay yell at me to f*ck off than have him +disappointingly look down at my food and say "What a shame." + ―TheRealCourtneyW, Aug 2016 +% +Hand sanitizer should be renamed small cut finder. + ―vanquishings, Aug 2016 +% +Between pens and lighters, Bic is making a fortune off of people losing their +products.. + ―jhoncat2, Oct 2016 +% +Cinderella must have had some fucked up feet if her slipper didn't fit anyone +else's foot in town. + ―I_cant_speel, May 2014 +% +If Leonardo DiCaprio did an AMA would no one give him gold to keep this joke +going? + ―Squadeep, May 2015 +% +When I make fried chicken, I am rubbing a corpse with the embryos of its own +offspring. + ―nmb8443, Oct 2015 +% +Condoms are for pussies. + ―CervixProbe, Apr 2014 +% +The big bang was the uncompressing of zip file. + ―outpost5, Sep 2014 +% +Premarital sex was forbidden in the Bible because brides were regularly +younger than 13. + ―chozobody, Dec 2014 +% +Christian Grey is just Quagmire with money. + ―SOS_Music, Feb 2015 +% +That feeling I got whenever I would look at my grades, I now get whenever I +look at my bank account + ―Tannysack, May 2015 +% +If Men at Work and Men Without Hats formed a super group, they would be a +potential OSHA violation. + ―Lawdoc1, Aug 2015 +% +Facebook has to be the greenest app because 99% of it is recycled content. + ―beakerx82, Sep 2015 +% +The Deadpool post-credits scene should just be Wade eating schwarma with +cardboard cutouts of the X-men. + ―corgandane, Jan 2016 +% +Describing something as "military grade" often makes it sound better unless +it's food + ―draimus, Jul 2016 +% +Reddit is Hotel California. + ―LivesForTheSecrets, Jan 2014 +% +Passwords are like secret finger dances. + ―imaginarious, Nov 2014 +% +"Right, left" answers to the question "Left, right?" + ―un3, Aug 2015 +% +A lifetime supply of McDonalds is actually pretty short. + ―powerx788, Aug 2015 +% +Now that finding food is no longer an issue, humans spend their whole lives +doing things to not be bored. + ―jlmck4, Aug 2015 +% +They call it a Beaver (vagina) because it eats Wood (penis) + ―BackJurden, Sep 2015 +% +I hate that obligatory feeling I get when I use a public restroom and have to +clean someone else's piss off the toilet seat just so the person using the +same stall after me doesn't think I left piss on the seat. + ―brideofdracula, Dec 2015 +% +Ten-year-old me thought having all 50 of the US state quarters would be much +cooler than it actually was. + ―JFX37, Mar 2016 +% +I served Kevin Bacon in a restaurant once. Everyone I've ever met since then +is at minimum two degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon + ―Whywouldireally, Jul 2016 +% +If you break the laws of man,you go to jail.If you break the laws of God,you +go to hell.If you break the laws of physics,you go to Sweden and get the nobel +prize. + ―loveyouAmerica, Aug 2016 +% +I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid that I'll miss tons of cool stuff after I +die and that people will be sad when I die. + ―highandentertained, Apr 2013 +% +It's risky to buy soda right after an earthquake + ―kevakk, Mar 2016 +% +Why do the ninja turtles wear masks they're the only giant turtles around. *My +5yo asked me this* + ―Superflydownsyguy, Oct 2016 +% +Everything man-made that exists was once just an idea. + ―[deleted], Aug 2013 +% +If humans had three legs, we'd call sandals flip-flap-flops + ―set_fr, Jul 2014 +% +As a kid, doing nothing was a punishment. As an adult, doing nothing is a +reward. + ―missjc, Feb 2016 +% +I wonder how many people's heartbeats are perfectly in sync right now? + ―TheHeroicOnion, May 2016 +% +Maybe the reason why we don't see time travelers is because humans didn't live +long enough to build time machines. + ―Josh_B98, Jun 2016 +% +Fallout's 'S.P.E.C.I.A.L' system probably doesn't make much sense if you play +the game in any language other than English. + ―Samba_21, Aug 2016 +% +When I drop an ice cube, my first thought is to kick it under the fridge +instead of picking it up + ―Blue2437, Sep 2016 +% +I can't wait till 2020 so I can wear those New Year's Eve glasses and +continuously make the joke about 20-20 vision. + ―roobopp, Oct 2016 +% +Did the voice in my head age with me, or have my thoughts always sounded like +this? + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +Doors are just really short tunnels. + ―mindblowingherbs, Nov 2014 +% +Jars of salsa should be designed with bowl lids that can be screwed back on +without a mess, like laundry detergent caps. + ―Karma_Nos, Mar 2015 +% +Celebrities should adopt pets from shelters and then offload them onto normal +people who would take them because they were previously owned by a celebrity. + ―tones2013, Jul 2015 +% +I've never seen a plus sized male model + ―Amaryllis_Reginae, Sep 2015 +% +Debit cards are the reason I haven't found money on the ground in a really +long time. + ―steppenfloyd, Oct 2015 +% +A failure rate of 0.0000005 doesn't sound so bad until you have a dead pixel + ―barsofham, Mar 2016 +% +Growing up, everyone tells you to chase your dreams. Once you become an adult +everyone tells you to be realistic. + ―Swingmerightround, Mar 2016 +% +If the queen of England reaches 100 years old she'll have to write a letter of +congratulations to herself. + ―sprogger, Apr 2016 +% +Apple automatically updates to latest version - nobody bats an +eyelid. Microsoft does it and everyone loses their mind. + ―WesNg, Jun 2016 +% +Secretly knowing a language that a group of people speak but they think you +don't, is almost like having the power to read minds + ―had_one_too_many, Jun 2014 +% +If Instagram hadn't taken its name, "Instagram" may have ended up as a +marijuana delivery service + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +When I was younger I was always "goose" in duck, duck, goose. I now realise +it's because I was the fat kid. + ―dickielegs, Jul 2015 +% +A papercut is a tree's last revenge. + ―247NoSleep, Dec 2015 +% +Human beings are the most intelligent and complex organisms in the known +universe. They're often made by accident. + ―jayflashgordon, Feb 2016 +% +Normally in Scooby-Doo Shaggy runs side-by-side with Scooby, Great Danes run +at 48 kph. Technically, Shaggy is the fastest man alive. + ―iRyaaanM, Sep 2016 +% +There are a certain number of people that are the same age as you. That number +can get smaller but it can never get bigger. + ―Masenkololol, Mar 2014 +% +Whenever I look at nature, I still find it amazing we were able to turn those +raw items into HDTVs, smart phones and other technology. + ―Hardcorish, May 2016 +% +If I date a homeless girl, I can just drop her off anywhere after the date + ―gill__gill, Oct 2016 +% +If they'd made the Galaxy Note 7 with a removable battery, Samsung would still +have a viable product on their hands instead of a total loss. + ―autoposting_system, Oct 2016 +% +People that think Eve was made from Adam's rib and are against stem cells +don't really understand what's going on. + ―stevemiles1234, Dec 2014 +% +Words ending in "-us" are pluralized with "-i", but the plural of the word "I" +is "us." + ―Marx0r, Oct 2013 +% +You become a grown-up the moment you wish you were still a kid + ―sharpandcleaver, Mar 2014 +% +In Poland, every dancer is a pole-dancer + ―Make3, Sep 2014 +% +Smith is such a common name because in medieval times the smiths probably +spent their time smithing instead of fighting wars, so they survived to +reproduce. + ―Kaleon, Mar 2015 +% +If I were a judge, every time someone finished speaking in court I'd yell +"Well I'll be the judge of that." + ―childs25, Apr 2015 +% +They better put emergency alert signals on Netflix, because nobody is going to +see them on TV anymore. + ―Drew1231, Jun 2015 +% +Kanye West should make a "The Best of Kanye West" album and put all of his +songs on it. + ―LegalizeCrystalGanja, Aug 2015 +% +They need to make phones fully waterproof so we can start pushing people into +pools again. + ―Benshannaboy, Jun 2016 +% +Oh my God. Arby's. Like R.B.s. Like Roast Beefs + ―Grizz359, Aug 2016 +% +Adam and Eve got an apple and regretted its terms and conditions. + ―Epicurus1, Mar 2015 +% +I wonder if anyone ever fake sneezes in front of the Pope. + ―KajuMax, Sep 2015 +% +I wonder how many flies have been trapped in a car, then traveled hundreds of +miles, got out and thought "The fuck..where am I?" + ―LemonDot, Oct 2015 +% +What if Earth is the North Korea of the Galaxy? + ―i_need_quite, Jan 2016 +% +When you're home alone, you're not afraid of being alone; you're scared of NOT +being alone. + ―angiespook, May 2016 +% +None of us would be here today if our fathers had not masterbated the exact +number of times they did before we were conceived + ―Spartyon67, Sep 2016 +% +Instead of asking for "Gender" or "Sex" on forms and such, why not just change +the category to a chromosomal option, e.g. "XX"/"XY", so we can all be done +with this already? + ―whusCrackalackin, Sep 2016 +% +We ask Google questions, we get Yahoo Answers. + ―SwggrBck, Oct 2014 +% +It's irrelevant when the time machine is invented. + ―IwishIhadAbetterNick, Apr 2015 +% +If you have sex with 20 people who all weigh 50kgs or more each, you have +actually slept with "a ton of people". + ―Kalibrering, Jul 2015 +% +It's going to be super weird when there are like 45 year old comments on +YouTube + ―HomerSimpleton, Apr 2016 +% +In limbo, if you set the bar low, you are really setting the bar high. + ―Young_Gentlemen, Apr 2016 +% +Superman shouldn't have any muscles because nothing on earth is heavy enough +to give him a workout. + ―what_the_total_hell, Jul 2016 +% +Cinnamon is really just delicious sawdust. + ―FondSteam39, Jul 2016 +% +I wonder if I'll struggle with future technology the way my Grandma struggles +with her TV remote + ―Lonewolfing, Aug 2016 +% +I want my kid's middle name to be "Withawhy" just to mess with people's +spelling. + ―Tape2Tape, Jun 2015 +% +Downvotes should move a post up in /r/dadjokes. + ―eucalypocalypse, Jun 2015 +% +I wonder how many miles of toilet paper I've wiped my ass with in my life + ―Chipkellyeatsbabies, Jun 2015 +% +When you think your job sucks, remember that the AARP has an IT tech support +team. + ―BubbRubbsSecretSanta, Aug 2016 +% +The level of how close you feel to someone is directly correlated to how much +silence you are okay with having with them. + ―Bluestar280, Sep 2016 +% +Erectile dysfunction is a growing problem. + ―[deleted], Jul 2013 +% +The only difference between a revolution and a civil war is who wins. + ―dwaynebank, Feb 2014 +% +Does an inside-out bag contain the universe? + ―BigGuyUpstairs, Jul 2014 +% +Facebook is a Pokedex for humans. + ―MBPyro, Aug 2014 +% +Giving out candy on Halloween is like paying protection money to a child mafia +so they won't vandalize your house. + ―CaveCricketCommander, Oct 2014 +% +When our generation becomes old, retirement homes will become the ultimate LAN +party! + ―dstrait3, Mar 2015 +% +If 9/11 happened a day earlier, it would making judging competitions very +awkward on a regular basis. + ―Renown84, Jul 2015 +% +i'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace + ―benji5-0, Oct 2015 +% +Saying "Edit: thanks for the gold stranger," is like an action hero looking +back at the explosion. It just ruins it. + ―CameraMan1, Oct 2015 +% +Yelling "Fuck" during sex is like yelling "Hockey" while playing a game of +hockey. + ―Logruuf_The_Meta, Jan 2016 +% +Today's date (2-20-2016) sounds like it's stuttering + ―Teves3D, Feb 2016 +% +I bet clapping was invented by the first guy nobody wanted to high five. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +Confidence is throwing away the Ben & Jerrys pint topper before you've +taken the first bite. + ―Addor777, Oct 2016 +% +In GTA, everyone drives with their doors unlocked despite high crime rates + ―beastgamer9136, Jan 2014 +% +Sign language done by a really tired person must seem like a really thick +accent thats hard to understand. + ―s133zy, Apr 2014 +% +Mary was the first one who yelled "JESUS!" out of anger. + ―arah26, Aug 2014 +% +"Don't kid yourself" would be an appropriate slogan to promote safe sex + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +Kids who see C:\> on a computer screen today are going to automatically +turn their heads sideways to figure out what emoticon it's supposed to be. + ―Meunderwears, Aug 2015 +% +Pregnant women are real life spawn points. + ―chrismo1233, Jan 2016 +% +"Can I speak to your manager?" is the adult equivalent of "I'm telling!" + ―rightenough, Jun 2016 +% +If you don’t reproduce, you are breaking a 4 billion year old family +tradition. + ―azlan4, Oct 2016 +% +/r/ShowerThoughts charity: water campaign + ―drumcowski, Jul 2014 +% +When I move my body, I am literally moving matter with my mind. + ―reebee7, Aug 2014 +% +In movies with space battles, don't you find it coincidental that when the +ships approach each other, they are both the "same way up?" The odds are +pretty low that they left their home planets and defined "up" the same way. + ―jkvandelay, Dec 2014 +% +When you drink a bottle of whisky both you and the bottle end up drunk by the +other. + ―bath_mole, Feb 2015 +% +I correct autocorrect more times than autocorrect corrects me + ―MentorNika, Jun 2015 +% +About every 15 minutes, there is a wave of people being woken up by alarms. 5 +minutes later another wave of slightly less motivated individuals wakes up for +the second time. + ―BudosoNT, Feb 2016 +% +Amazon should have a button that tells them "I'm done looking for items like +these" after you found one and bought it + ―NickCasas, Apr 2016 +% +Blaming Snowden for causing distrust in government is like blaming a fire +alarm for starting a fire. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +When someone says "you clean up nice," it means they didn't want to have sex +with you before, but now they do. + ―spoonerhouse, Sep 2015 +% +If you adopt a house pet that is blind, you should name it "Roomba". + ―pimp_juice2272, Sep 2015 +% +Why don't we take all of the "forever alone" girls from Tumblr, and match them +with "forever alone" guys from Reddit? + ―FBI_SURV_VAN_69, Aug 2016 +% +Have you ever stopped paying attention in class, realized you stopped paying +attention and started focusing so hard on paying attention you're not paying +attention? + ―JonTze, Oct 2016 +% +Imagine the kids at the same orphanage as Stuart Little. A mouse was chosen +over them. + ―turndownforpoptarts, Jun 2014 +% +I have a small tentacle in my mouth that helps me eat. + ―verysneakypanda, Aug 2014 +% +If service dogs knew that they wear signs that say "don't pet me" all day +they'd get really upset. + ―daulton_storm, May 2015 +% +Perhaps jokes that humans find funny and jokes that crickets find funny are +mutually exclusive. + ―thereimerseffect, Sep 2015 +% +I wish movies and shows had a separate volume level for vocals, special +effects, and music, like video games. + ―steelste, May 2016 +% +Using swype keyboards is like texting in cursive. + ―jesteruga, Jan 2015 +% +If were ever on Naked and Afraid, I would try to pay the editors to use an +extra huge blur censor between my legs. + ―NutShotMontage, May 2016 +% +"I should go, I have to work in the morning." Is the adult version of "It's my +bedtime." + ―Constitutional_Prole, Jun 2016 +% +Humans are weird. We invented the helmet so we could keep doing the things +that were wrecking our heads. + ―raskulous, Jul 2016 +% +The world is not getting dumber.it's just easier for dumb people to get their +thoughts heard. + ―loveyouAmerica, Jul 2016 +% +Can vampires read, or do all the lowercase t's make it impossible? + ―CriticalRibbon, Apr 2014 +% +What if aliens visited Earth during the Jurassic Period, found it to be +occupied with a bunch of mean, giant lizards and thought "Well, fuck this +planet" and never came back? + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +Wallets are just pockets we put in our pockets. + ―ThorsHand, Apr 2015 +% +Strippers are basically naked beggars + ―dasflikken, May 2015 +% +Most people die with a negative K/D. + ―Flamery, Sep 2015 +% +"Well, I never!" is just Grandma's version of "What the fuck?" + ―GnarlyBellyButton87, Oct 2015 +% +Now Disney owns Marvel and Star Wars, there's no legal obstacle to a Jedi +avenger. + ―dartsdude1, Jan 2016 +% +Why does no one refer to a one-night-stand as a Humpty Dumpty? + ―wahwahwaaaaah, Jul 2016 +% +Sirens and horns should be illegal in radio commercials + ―sawer707, Aug 2016 +% +Two days ago I was 17, next year I'll be 20. Only people born on December, +31st can make this claim. + ―ronniedude, Jan 2015 +% +When we drop our phones, we panic. When our friends fall to the ground, we +laugh. + ―Phileap, Feb 2015 +% +Like the proton or neutron, the crouton literally means "small particle of +bread crust" + ―bramlet, Oct 2015 +% +They should release an album of all the photos Bender took whenever he said +"Neat" and snapped away. + ―kevino025, May 2016 +% +When you kill a cockroach and put it in the trashcan it's kinda like sending +it to their version of heaven + ―anonymouse212, Sep 2016 +% +Every human who has ever lived has seen the same Sun and Moon. + ―[deleted], Aug 2013 +% +Saturday Night Live should do an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy where the real +Alex Trebek plays Will Ferrell as a contestant. + ―Pee_Earl_Grey_Hot, Apr 2014 +% +Shoes are just a floor you take with you. + ―I_EAT_GHOTI_DICKS, Aug 2014 +% +Formerly obese people should be allowed to donate skin to burn victims free of +charge. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +5 grams of weed should be called a high five. + ―strayhat, Mar 2015 +% +If we discover that plants can actually feel what happens to them we are gonna +owe a huge apology to grass. + ―yong598, Jun 2015 +% +In 150 years Facebook will be the world's largest online memorial page. + ―MeKuF, Nov 2015 +% +When you are 20 you put the empty bottles of booze you drank up as a +trophy. When you are 30 you hide them before anyone sees them. + ―Handsomecaleb, Jun 2016 +% +If oxygen was to just suddenly disappear from earths atmosphere, sick patients +on oxygen would wonder why everyone just died. + ―LuKirby, Jul 2016 +% +Bathtubs are just reverse boats... + ―[deleted], Apr 2013 +% +Most Indians and other Asians in the world of Harry Potter would have a harder +time casting spells due to their accents. + ―Mrwazztazz, Jul 2013 +% +I want to start a creative writing class for convicts and call it, "Prose and +Cons" + ―gamartin45, Aug 2014 +% +A tissue fetish would be extremely convenient. + ―Ep1cmoe, Dec 2014 +% +A million quarters is a quarter million + ―Theraft90, Feb 2015 +% +I wonder how many women lining up to see 50 Shades of Grey are the same women +who get pissed if their husbands watch porn? + ―Amphibology29, Feb 2015 +% +"Nice guys finish last" is actually pretty sound sexual advice + ―EEVVEERRYYOONNEE, May 2015 +% +There will probably be an immortal mouse before there is an immortal human. + ―011010110, Nov 2015 +% +Now that I'm in college, my curfew is whenever my phone runs out of battery. + ―walrusbot, Nov 2015 +% +Finding a worm in an apple has not proven to be as common of an occurrence as +I thought it would be as a child. + ―Buusakasaka, Sep 2016 +% +Companies should make more interesting 5 second adverts as I'm going to skip +them on Youtube anyway. + ―DarthLordi, Sep 2016 +% +It'd probably only take a few thousand generations of selective breeding to +turn a squid into a fully functioning inkjet printer. + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +Ya know all of those bad guys who went to jail at the end of all of those 80's +and 90's action-comedy movies? Most of them would be out of jail by now. + ―WhaleAndTheWolf, Feb 2016 +% +I procrastinate because I am stressed. I am stressed because I procrastinate. + ―meflou, Mar 2016 +% +High schools should have a "How to adult" class, where students learn how to +do taxes, resumes, and other essential adult things. + ―paleselan1, Apr 2016 +% +Every Saturday I grudgingly mow my lawn. To me, mowing the lawn is a chore. To +the ants, grass and other wildlife that have made a home on my property, I am +a destroyer of worlds, wielding a terrifying death machine. + ―ahem17, May 2016 +% +I never appreciate how painless it is to swallow until I have strep. + ―averagejoegreen, Sep 2016 +% +It's kinda scary to think that 100,000 years from now, most of our important +historical events will be a blip on a timeline in a child's school book. + ―[deleted], Oct 2013 +% +Children are like guns: I think I'd like to have one of my own but I don't +like when others have theirs out around me in public. + ―FunkyMonk12, Sep 2014 +% +iWatch is useless since you could bend the iPhone 6 around your wrist. + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +If two mind readers read each other's mind, whose mind are they reading? + ―theNicAngel, Apr 2015 +% +Even though "up" and "down" are opposites, the phrases "I'm up for it" and +"I'm down for it" mean the same thing + ―Jcmagiccow, Oct 2015 +% +Someone should make fauxfu. A tofu substitute made out of meat, for people who +want to pretend they are vegetarian but still eat meat. + ―illlogic, Jan 2016 +% +Being attracted to your own flacid penis would be the worst fetish ever + ―technologyviewers, Oct 2016 +% +MEXICO upside down is WEXICO. + ―tensory, Nov 2014 +% +If I had an identical twins that was 5 minutes younger than me, I'd constantly +tell them "when I was your age I..." then proceed to tell them what I was +doing 5 minutes ago. + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +Lord Farquaad should have picked Snow White, because having another dwarf +around would be anything but abnormal to her. + ―duclos015, Feb 2016 +% +If both arms were on one side of the body, T-shirts would be called F-shirts + ―An_actual_stalker, Mar 2016 +% +What if the eagles in Lord of the Rings are regular size and everyone else is +just really small? + ―Taodyn, Mar 2016 +% +When I was a kid, I wished I could read people’s minds. And in a monkey’s paw +twist, my wish was horribly granted with Facebook. + ―timhamilton47, Jul 2016 +% +Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust. + ―ZygoMattic, Jul 2016 +% +You are a brain, sitting inside an armoured cockpit, piloting a bone mecha. + ―Voltzeh, Aug 2016 +% +The idea of a ghost that moans may have been started by children whose parents +were having sex in the adjacent room and denied having heard the sounds. + ―AlenGiss, Oct 2016 +% +When marijuana becomes legalized, there's going to be a lot of confused police +dogs. + ―Dracovis, Oct 2014 +% +The guy on Superman who said "Look, up in the sky! It's a bird!" seriously +overreacted. + ―FreddiePeterson, Oct 2014 +% +"The Wolverine" is Canadian and his super power is free healthcare + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +A Batman vs ironman movie would be the most realistic superhero movie ever +made if done properly. + ―buckweed_the_African, Apr 2015 +% +If your pocket was jingling with coins 200 years ago you were likely a rich +man, now if you have change filled pockets you are likely a poor man. + ―Neo_Satan, Oct 2015 +% +There should've been a Bond film in 2007. + ―itsandercontrol, Feb 2016 +% +Older people used to tell us not to believe everything we see on the +internet. Now they take everything on their Facebook feed as pure historical +truth, without a second thought. + ―Dumpster_Fired_Up, Oct 2016 +% +Restaurants like to advertise "Home Made" while at home people are +complimented with "Restaurant Quality". + ―ilovesheets, Jun 2014 +% +I don't like the fact that my body can kill me. + ―AuuD_, Oct 2014 +% +Facebook should have a «I am into you» button, with the other person finding +out only if she also clicked on «I am into you» for you too. + ―Antoine76, Dec 2014 +% +The South Park episode about Jared wanting to give the kids aids has a very +different meaning now. + ―Lakiefe, Aug 2015 +% +Every time you've rushed to try and to catch a flight, there's been two +strangers sitting in your row hoping you don't make it. + ―HBombthrow, Aug 2015 +% +I really like the thought of going to a city where nobody knows my name or +anything about me + ―ykr3Bz, Mar 2016 +% +In the future, Earth Day will probably be a day to remember Earth. + ―EverythingBurned, Apr 2016 +% +We humans are so social that when we're alone for a while we +almost-unconsciously start conversing with ourselves. + ―iconoptic, Jun 2013 +% +With so many people in the world, every time a microwave counts down to Zero, +it's counting down to the end of someone's life. + ―Boss_Taurus, Jan 2015 +% +"Pics or it didn't happen" is the criminal defense for US Police Officers + ―iDeeeeeedIt, Jun 2015 +% +The wright brothers were indirectly responsible for 9/11 + ―CrayonsOfDoom, Nov 2015 +% +I'd say about 95% of the time a person has told me "it's a long story," it +wasn't + ―matt552024, Nov 2015 +% +The older generation probably invented the internet to keep young people +indoors and off their lawns. It worked. Smart bastards. + ―analest-analyst, Feb 2016 +% +The most realistic part of the Age of Ultron was when Ultron decided to +destroy humanity after spending some time on the internet. + ―IReadYourWords, Jul 2016 +% +"Solo" cups are ironically associated with mass social gatherings and parties + ―Pseudo-esque, Feb 2014 +% +What if things we see in gray, are actually just colors we cannot see? + ―SenatorSassypants, Aug 2014 +% +There's nothing you can say to a guy who's been struck by lightning multiple +times to convince him that his chances of getting hit again are the same as +anyone else. + ―JustinAuthorAshol, Dec 2015 +% +The final Die Hard movie should be titled "Old Habits Die Hard" + ―drewgarr, Jan 2016 +% +When someone finally invents a hoverboard, they won't be able to call it that +because the name is already taken by those dumb ass sideways skateboards + ―aznednacni, Feb 2016 +% +It's kinda odd that marijuana legality progresses in such a way that it is +accepted as beneficial for ill people before its considered safe for healthy +ones + ―quiteintriguing, Apr 2016 +% +/r/kansas should be the subreddit for Arkansas. + ―[deleted], Aug 2016 +% +Every time I feel unexpected pain, I wonder if my descendants got hit so hard +that their ancestors could feel it. + ―Ichthasen, Sep 2016 +% +If there were no sentient beings in the universe, would it really exist? + ―hprshredder, Oct 2016 +% +My constant cell phone use probably confuses the hell out of my dog. + ―Klanko, Oct 2013 +% +If John Hammond really had "Spared no expense" you'd think he'd have hired +more than one IT guy for Jurassic Park. + ―jjake101, Jun 2015 +% +I wonder how many people have to go to work every day for me to live my life +how I live. There must be a huge network of people that is like a domino +effect for each little thing I own and service that I use. I wonder how many +other people it takes for me to live. + ―thiscontradiction, Jun 2015 +% +If I had known how much I would like reddit I would have put more effort into +my user name + ―Freezie17, Nov 2015 +% +When I try to picture the early 1900s in my mind it's always in black and +white + ―ironchefchopchop, Jan 2016 +% +At the store I can exchange legal tender for chicken tender + ―mpnordland, May 2016 +% +This generation's kids will grow up thinking the guy on Newman's Own salad +dressing is just another fictional mascot + ―fatstupidbaby, Jun 2016 +% +We only have a few minutes to live, but breathing resets the timer. + ―NomNomNomNation, Aug 2016 +% +Ice cubes float in their own blood + ―cottonsox7, Aug 2014 +% +If you are to throw up sushi, it will be more cooked than when you ate it. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +Judging by the state of public restrooms, potty training is a giant failure. + ―cunn5065, Jul 2015 +% +Kanye should stop comparing himself to God. God doesn't even write his own +verses. + ―SnoodDood, Aug 2015 +% +I've never seen a "tunnel of love" ride in real life. + ―dbumba, Oct 2015 +% +Since the popularity of cell phones, it became a lot more socially acceptable +to hang out by yourself in a parking lot. + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +You know you're adult when you have the freedom to eat ice cream for +breakfast..... but you choose not to. + ―CennaX1215, Jul 2016 +% +Quitting smoking is like getting paid not to smoke. + ―ur_invalid, May 2015 +% +It's not that surpsing that meowing at cats elicits a surprised +response. Imagine if a cat walked by and said something random like, +"Democracy". + ―stevieraykatz, Jul 2015 +% +What if your pillow collected your dreams and then you could plug it into your +laptop and watch them again + ―Bep_Beep, Aug 2015 +% +Never Gonna Give You Up is probably the most viewed but least watched video of +all time. + ―Newtonbomb11, Nov 2015 +% +Canada is 50% the letter A, but it is abbreviated CND + ―TheGreatGav, Dec 2015 +% +When browsing reddit, curiosity always drives me to click on NSFW links, no +matter how odd the title is. + ―unanimousness, Jan 2016 +% +They should attach go-pro's to all the jockey's in the Grand National and then +people at home could select which horse to watch during the race + ―Ohalrightmate, Apr 2016 +% +As a plumber I am genuinely confused by the porn industry's misconception of +my profession's sex appeal. + ―Delm055, Aug 2016 +% +"up", when rotated 180 degrees, looks like "dn". + ―gmsc, Aug 2013 +% +"Are you as bored as I am?" Can be said backwards and still make sense. + ―[deleted], Jul 2014 +% +Maybe Man created God in his image. + ―[deleted], Aug 2014 +% +There should be a "Kickstarter" style website for funding scientific research +and initiatives. + ―Konfliction, Sep 2014 +% +If a minor goes to a store and accidentally breaks a bottle of alcohol they +can't pay for it + ―deanisthewenis, Sep 2015 +% +Cinderella costumes should be breakaways you can pull off at midnight to +reveal her tattered normal clothes. + ―NectarineOverPeach, Nov 2015 +% +Wolverine is the least polite of the X-Men, despite the fact he is Canadian. + ―CaptCash, Mar 2016 +% +When a picture is more pixelated it actually has less pixels. + ―c_cooper93, Apr 2016 +% +4am is weird because its too early for morning people, and too late for night +people + ―nrap612, Jul 2016 +% +In highschool I wondered how long people would date until sex. In college I +wonder how long people have sex until they date... + ―n33lostrichracer, Sep 2015 +% +Maybe the reason the WebMD diagnosis of your symptoms is always worst case +scenario is to get people to actually go to the doctor instead of just self +diagnosing with the internet. + ―Engineer_Outside, Dec 2015 +% +Why don't toothpaste companies make a drowsy toothpaste so when you brush +before bed it helps you sleep? + ―jacobburns, Jan 2016 +% +Nothing screws up your Friday like realizing it's Tuesday. + ―Kas585, Feb 2016 +% +I don't think I've ever confidently used a semicolon in my life. + ―Hodorhohodor, Oct 2016 +% +Pouring something is just controlled spilling. + ―Freeza1, Sep 2013 +% +I'd pay an exorbitant amount of money to have my back window light up with led +lettering certain phrases to other drivers like "get off your phone fuckface" +or "use your signal lights dipshit" + ―nickg452csh, Aug 2015 +% +As a kid I would brag about staying up past 11. As an adult I brag about +getting to sleep before 11. + ―tantalicatom689, Sep 2015 +% +Middle class probably has the best hygiene, considering they're neither dirt +poor nor filthy rich + ―Frisheid, Nov 2015 +% +The asshole is the nipple of the butt. Showing boob is not nudity unless the +nipple is exposed; likewise, asses are not extremely pornographic unless the +asshole is revealed. + ―ancientcreature, Aug 2014 +% +Theme parks can take a clear photo of you on a moving roller coaster, but +stores can't take a clear picture of a robber standing still.. + ―lora3323, Oct 2014 +% +I will never be able to seriously google, "Can jet fuel melt steel beams?" and +look for a real, scientific analysis of the question. + ―Shiverpool, Apr 2015 +% +I wish Tabasco had a fine mist spray top, instead of a single hole that +scatters splooches of flavor patches on my eggs. + ―Convincing_Lies, Aug 2015 +% +Can't a Knight in dirty armor be just as, if not more, heroic than a Knight in +shining armor? In fact, a Knight in shining armor probably didn't do much +fighting and is probably a coward anyways. + ―nicko786, Oct 2015 +% +Winnie the Pooh stars two kangaroos and a rabbit, yet the tiger is the one +known for bouncing + ―Ganonthegreat, Dec 2015 +% +As a kid the movie Groundhog Day seemed utterly unrealistic. As an adult +working the same 9-5 for years it's the most realistic snapshot of life I've +ever seen + ―bflo091986, Aug 2016 +% +I spend so much time and money keeping my body alive and the only thing I get +in return is shit. + ―PM_ME_STEAMGAMES_PLS, Aug 2016 +% +The female version of cock blocking should be called beaver damming. + ―ohjeezandoy, Nov 2014 +% +I should start a magizine called alzhiemers weekly were the same magizine is +published every week. + ―pm_your_huge_chode, Aug 2015 +% +I only refer to flavors of Gatorade by their colors. + ―whatamafu, Sep 2015 +% +Santa Claus goes down chimneys. Claustrophobia is being afraid of enclosed +spaces + ―gaykoala, Sep 2015 +% +I miss being able to sit up without making sound effects. + ―telephototulip, Dec 2015 +% +I have yet to hear of an ovation that was of the non-standing variety. + ―TheCreatorLovesYou, Feb 2016 +% +In the USA, it's 100x cheaper to take an Uber to the hospital instead of an +ambulance. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +Saying "mhm" or "yeah" in conversation is the real life version of pressing A +to skip through a character's dialogue in a videogame. + ―thedeafpoliceman, May 2014 +% +"Magic Johnson" is the perfect name for someone who has had HIV for almost a +quarter-century yet appears to be completely healthy + ―zwinger, Feb 2015 +% +At a certain age, Halloween stops being about candy and starts being about eye +candy. + ―yimyames, Jun 2015 +% +Up until you died, being a taste tester for the king probably wasn't that bad +of a job + ―elcielo17, May 2016 +% +"I try to stay humble" is the humble way of saying "I'm very humble" + ―HotGeorgeForeman, Aug 2016 +% +It’s officially that annoying time of year where it’s sweater weather in the +morning but by mid-day you die of heatstroke. + ―WalterMatthew262, Sep 2016 +% +If earphones keep getting tangled and shoelaces keep getting untangled, why +don't we use earphones as shoelaces and shoelaces as earphones? + ―sashamallaa, Oct 2016 +% +Whoever the first person was to try honey had to be really hungry. + ―TouchMyPaws, Mar 2014 +% +"up/dn" is the same when read upside down + ―TheCreatorLovesYou, Apr 2015 +% +In my 20s I thought therapists were for unstable people. In my 30s I think +they're for stable people. + ―NiceFormBro, Sep 2016 +% +I don't like bumping into anyone I know in public because I hate jumping into +character. + ―Nymik, Oct 2016 +% +If people on the show "Cribs" had the same amount of stuff but smaller houses, +they would be on the show "Hoarders" + ―Quarkis, Sep 2014 +% +Stephen Hawking should change his voice to SIRI for Halloween + ―popnfresh24, Jan 2015 +% +There should be a porn star named Dwayne "The Cock" Johnson + ―Pyne, Sep 2015 +% +We say as kids we think $1,000 is a lot of money and as adults realize it +isn't. I'm an adult and when I'm broke, $1000 would in fact be a lot of money +to me. + ―i_am_omega, May 2016 +% +Theres no "d" in refrigerator but theres a "d" in fridge? + ―IANAL_, Jul 2016 +% +We take a lot more photos of attractive people than unattractive; so the +general attractiveness of our society will be skewed historically. + ―shortround10, Oct 2014 +% +3 out of 5 stars is GOOD. 6/10 is OKAY. 60% is BAD. + ―miexy, Nov 2015 +% +Everybody knows about the Secret Service. + ―brookshanes, Apr 2016 +% +When an NSFW link takes longer than a few seconds to load, i start to think i +was given a chance to back out and not see what ever horrible thing the link +might be. Almost like fate. + ―MrLeftwardSloping, May 2016 +% +Those "please disable adblock" messages are just ads for ads. + ―BatmansParentsAreDed, Sep 2016 +% +It's 7:45 on October 3rd and I just saw a Christmas commercial and I am not +sure how I feel about that. + ―QuiGonGingerAle, Oct 2016 +% +Even if an ad is about a product I'm interested in, I'll still google the +product instead of clicking on the ad because I don't trust them. + ―MrShlash, Oct 2016 +% +Maybe things like breaking mirrors and walking under ladders are just +considered bad luck because they're DANGEROUS. + ―belbivfreeordie, Apr 2014 +% +In 100 years, Facebook will have profiles for an entire generation of dead +people. + ―savedsid, Mar 2015 +% +If there were only two people left on Earth and they got into a fight, that +would probably be considered a World War. + ―JamesTheSnail, May 2015 +% +Pandas are alive because of pity. + ―jameselharris, Aug 2015 +% +Daredevil is a blind superhero whose superpower is that he can see. + ―080087, Sep 2015 +% +I'm one of the people who actually likes the song 'Never gonna give you up', +so whenever I get rickrolled instead of being mad, I'm unexpectedly happy, +similar to when my favorite song comes on the radio. + ―ZTBEA5T, Apr 2016 +% +There should be a game where you have to light the candles on your birthday +cake and blow them out before the group can finish singing 'Happy +Birthday'. That way, you have something to do instead of awkwardly sitting +there. + ―SunflowerSamurai_, Oct 2016 +% +The first President of the Moon might have already been born. + ―elgroucho, Aug 2013 +% +When I was little, my parents used to wait until I was asleep to watch shows +that were inappropriate for me. Now that I'm an adult visiting family, I wait +until my parents go to bed before I watch shows that are inappropriate for +them. + ―ANAL_DEFIBRILLATOR, Dec 2014 +% +There are 7 billion people on the planet. If everyone is awake for 16 hours +per day, then every three years, humanity collectively experiences a period of +time longer than the age of the Universe. + ―peter_please_answer, Jun 2015 +% +I have never seen a advertisement for Candy Corn. Ever + ―pumpkin_seeds_, Nov 2015 +% +The man who submitted the world record for smallest dick has the biggest +balls. + ―Televirus, Nov 2015 +% +Chuck Norris' death is going to be the most annoying day on Facebook ever + ―Tuggin_MaGoiter, Apr 2016 +% +The difference between sexual harassment and flirting is how attractive the +other person finds you. + ―lostseahawk, Apr 2016 +% +Fevers are just your body's way of trying to kill the disease with fire + ―itsthatkidgreg, Apr 2016 +% +We actually advertise when our food has real food in it. + ―bmlangd, Jun 2016 +% +Strict parents raise the best liars. + ―tquo, Jul 2016 +% +"Nailing" something is considered good, but when you "screw it up", it's a bad +thing, even though screws are better at their job than nails are. + ―HerbalGamer, Aug 2016 +% +Preventing childhood obesity is as easy as taking candy from a baby. + ―elliottblackwood, Jan 2014 +% +Since 2000 we've gone from having a single portable CD player to having the +collective knowledge of mankind in your pocket. + ―ciacciojon, Apr 2014 +% +As an hourly-paid worker, I am literally paying for the crap I buy with hours +of my life. + ―NcallyS, Sep 2014 +% +A family of crows flying into a wood chipper is called a murder suicide. + ―NotFunnyAlreadyTaken, Nov 2014 +% +It must be awkward for the wives who legitimately hit a door and got a black +eye. + ―dorkmax, May 2015 +% +Today is Thursday, a day named after the Nordic God, Thor. To celebrate, I +will be drinking heavily and throwing hammers at my coworkers. + ―OfficialKimboSlice, Mar 2016 +% +In a 2 hour episode of "The Voice," there is only about 10 minutes of actual +singing. + ―LavenderGoomes, Oct 2016 +% +I wonder if I have ever killed a celebrity while playing any online +multiplayer game. + ―Sheltopusik, Aug 2014 +% +You know how people talking in slow motion kinda sounds like whales? What if +we sped up whale noises and they were actually speaking people language but +just really slowly + ―moonkiller23, Aug 2014 +% +Restaurants with WiFi should connect you to the menus section of their website +so people order before browsing the internet. + ―[deleted], Nov 2014 +% +A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people on the internet should +be called an argument. + ―madplayshd, Dec 2014 +% +Viagra should be classified as a hard drug. + ―Urgullibl, Jun 2015 +% +When I read a TIL and I already knew it, it makes me feel smarter than the OP. + ―blabbit, Jul 2015 +% +If you do stuff with your parents you are basically the third wheel on a date + ―JungleRobba, Aug 2015 +% +Chipotle should offer free guac as a way to pay America back for their e-coli +scare. + ―twistsg1, Jan 2016 +% +A ton of people is only around 10-15 individuals. + ―optimatez, Feb 2016 +% +If terrorists ever scare me as much as "being in the wrong neighborhood" in my +own country, the USA, I'll let you know. + ―[deleted], May 2016 +% +Aliens in pop culture always have humanoid bodies. It's like if sea cucumbers +had scifi and every alien was just a different coloured sausage + ―Sweetmilk_, Aug 2016 +% +The NSA could probably tell us when Half-Life 3 is coming out. + ―Only100percent, Apr 2015 +% +Netflix needs an "ending soon" feature based on stuff you're in the middle of +watching so it doesn't just disappear on you one day. + ―probably_not_serious, Sep 2015 +% +People who say "Trump only says what everyone is thinking" actually believe +everyone thinks those things. + ―MozeeToby, Sep 2015 +% +Scooby-doo taught us that the real monsters are people. + ―ZForZimmer, Apr 2016 +% +Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We +are reverting to the era of pocket watches. + ―alex_jo, Oct 2016 +% +Saying, "Happy New Year," is kind of like saying, "Have a nice day," but +multiplied by 365 + ―KidCasey, Dec 2013 +% +The only reason that Yahoo Mail is still relevant is probably because Gmail +users want a separate email account for email signups and spam mail + ―Rguptaingitup, Apr 2015 +% +I dont know if jesus walked on water, but more recently ordinary people walked +on the moon and I think thats more impressive. + ―BenRayfield, Dec 2015 +% +Guys who think girls don't notice when they are nice, are probably ONLY nice +to girls they think are pretty. + ―rottinguy, Mar 2016 +% +What if I'm a prodigy at something I've never considered doing? + ―dictatorchina, May 2016 +% +Microwaves should count up after the timer ends. So I know how long the item +has been cooling. + ―brcde, Jun 2016 +% +If you are married to a law enforcement officer, you are fulfilling NWA's +mission by fucking the police. + ―YouSureThisGood, Aug 2016 +% +We're the only species that drinks another species' milk, but we consider it +strange to drink our own species' milk. + ―[deleted], Sep 2014 +% +Since Brother is the older Berenstain Bear sibling, there were two years +before his sister was born when he was an only child named Brother. + ―mrphmurphster, Feb 2015 +% +One day prosthetic limbs will be so advanced that the Paralympics will have +better records than the Olympics. + ―memyselfandemily, Mar 2015 +% +We should have an ultimate Olympics, where performance enhancing drugs are +allowed and encouraged in order to see the limits of human abilities. + ―dizeaze, Apr 2015 +% +According to a study, when you begin a sentence with "according to a study," +people will believe anything you say. + ―Ragnar_Targaryen, Jun 2015 +% +Alex Trebek should host an AMA where he gives us his answers first. + ―PutZeCandleBack, Feb 2016 +% +The meaning of life can be found in a dictionary. + ―Throwoway420, Apr 2016 +% +Babies cry a lot because any little discomfort is literally the worst thing +they ever felt in their life. + ―Bpbegha, Apr 2016 +% +If a character in Toy Story died, the toys would have to watch Andy play with +the corpse of that character. + ―skullgamer, Jun 2016 +% +I find it hard to believe that absolutely EVERYbody was Kung fu fighting + ―Slippery_Wet, Jul 2016 +% +"Apart" is one word, but implies separated. "A part" is two words, but implies +together. + ―papegaaieeieren, Aug 2016 +% +I wonder how many foods are thought to be poisonous because the first person +to eat them was allergic. + ―morris1022, Oct 2016 +% +You can post a random gif of any porn, and someone on reddit will be able to +guide you to a source in HD, place to download/torrent, even all previous +scenes and movies with the stars involved. What a time to be alive. + ―FluffyGamer, Oct 2016 +% +We all could have literally been created a second ago along with all our +memories. Nobody could tell. + ―GoldLeader272, Jan 2015 +% +If you make a statue of Baby Jesus, everyone thinks it's fine. If you make a +statue of Jesus on the cross that's fine too. But if I make a statue of baby +Jesus nailed to a cross all the neighbors start to complain + ―anthonymyers3000, Dec 2015 +% +There should be a show like iron chef, but instead of making food they make +Rube Goldberg Machines. + ―BenjaminHarrisonFord, Dec 2015 +% +As cars become quieter and more electric, crossing the street will become even +more dangerous + ―KingWoloWolo, Jan 2016 +% +They should make "college porn", in which all the actors and actresses lines +are actual college study guides for specific courses. + ―ZeeQuestionAsker, Jan 2016 +% +If I search "define definition" in google, will I get the definition for +define, or definition? + ―Jake2601, Jun 2016 +% +Saying "It's God's Will" when something bad happens is the same as Bethesda +saying "It's not a bug, it's a feature." + ―Theoretical_What, Jun 2016 +% +I have never ever stored any gloves in my car's glove compartment. + ―qarlthemade, Aug 2016 +% +The "unfollow" option on Facebook was the best thing to happen to that site. + ―MarcusElder, Sep 2016 +% +There should be an app that looks up a police officers badge number or name +and lets you rate cops by professionalism and display any connected articles +about them. + ―aCommentAboutNothing, Feb 2015 +% +I'm 21 years old. There are kids younger than me in the NBA making millions. + ―jaybustah, Feb 2015 +% +If princesses get their beauty rest, do men get a good-knight's sleep? + ―KingSlenderr, Mar 2015 +% +Fathers day should be nine months before mothers day. + ―[deleted], May 2014 +% +I live closer to space than to Asia + ―Halvguden, Nov 2014 +% +Google should do a "Street View" of the International Space Station. + ―nehalwa, Feb 2015 +% +If Justin Bieber somehow commits suicide, the internet would feel so shitty, +being part of the largest case of cyber-bullying in history. + ―kirusagi32, Apr 2015 +% +AutoCorrect should have options such as "I intend to swear.", "I have a large +lexicon." and "I regularly use technical words." + ―BadgerOverlord, Jun 2015 +% +The president pardoning a turkey must be a real slap in the face for the real +life human beings sitting on death row. + ―Spam4119, Nov 2015 +% +In a Rick Astley concert, if he didn't sing "never gonna give you up", it +would be a reverse rickroll. + ―Ayle87, Feb 2016 +% +If somebody who is allergic to eggs has eggs thrown at their house, it's +practically biological warfare. + ―Actually_The_Flash, May 2016 +% +Whenever I enter my house and a bad smell is no longer there, I'm more worried +that I got used to the smell than the smell actually being gone. + ―StrahansToothGap, May 2016 +% +It's amazing how my brain can construct these highly detailed and vivid scenes +during dreams, yet I can't seem to draw a stick figure better than your +average 7 year-old. + ―CuriousCatLiving, Aug 2016 +% +With 7 billion people on Earth, every single day (24 hour period) there is +over 19 million years of human experience that occurs. + ―aquaticMisanthrope, Aug 2016 +% +Somewhere there is a severely autistic person who can't help but see Waldo +instantly, and wonders what all the fuss is about. + ―scooterdoop, Sep 2016 +% +In about 50 years, it'll be impressive when I tell my grandchildren that I'm +older than YouTube + ―mightynifty, Apr 2014 +% +If sunscreen was called Cancer Repellent more people would use it. + ―NightSnake, Jan 2015 +% +Life is free-to-play/open-world/perma-death with unbalanced starting classes +and terrible Pay-to-Win mechanics. + ―mangodurban, Mar 2015 +% +We avoid risks in life so we can safely make it to our deaths. + ―EKcore, Jun 2015 +% +If KFC sold buckets of just their breaded chicken skin, I'd buy it. + ―Mofoe_Cake, Nov 2015 +% +Volcanoes are basically just Earth's zits. + ―mayonnaise_man, Mar 2014 +% +The show "Are you smarter than a fifth grader" is enforcing the idea to kids +that the information they are learning in school is useless in the future. + ―whatAjoy, Jun 2014 +% +We don't kill time, time actually kills us + ―Supermanliam, Nov 2014 +% +They should have made a remake of Ned's Declassified School Survival guide +where Ned's grown up and he gives tips and tricks on how to survive college. + ―ProfessorGigs, May 2015 +% +Porn companies and Disney shows are looking to hire the same demographic - +adults who look like teens. + ―hippydippybaloney, Jan 2016 +% +If the Mayans had ended their calendar in 2016 ,instead of 2012, it would have +been a lot more believeable. + ―JVM_, Sep 2016 +% +Relatively speaking cars driven by people will be this weird blip in history +between animal and robotic transportation. + ―ZeroSchool, Oct 2016 +% +The best barber will never be able to have the best haircut + ―canihaveausername, Oct 2016 +% +Samsung made a waterproof phone that catches on fire, is there a more deadly +combination? + ―splityoassintwo, Oct 2016 +% +Shouting "Yes!" and "Yeah!" during sex is perfectly normal, but shouting +"Yep!" would make it incredibly awkward. + ―Dolandemort, Jan 2015 +% +If Eve doomed the human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike +bar? + ―schaferlite, Dec 2015 +% +The only time incorrectly is spelled correctly is when its spelled incorrectly + ―G_man252, Apr 2016 +% +There are entire LANGUAGES of puns that I'll never get to appreciate. + ―Gil_Demoono, May 2016 +% +I always assume my cat likes it when I meow at him, but I'd be pretty fucking +freaked out if he started making human sounds at me. + ―repliers_beware, Jul 2016 +% +Car headlights should flash at the same time the horn is pressed to alert +people with hearing difficulties. + ―PugSmuggler, Apr 2015 +% +For every reaction there is an equal and opposite social media overreaction. + ―TommehBoi, Sep 2015 +% +Being a redditor feels like being a time-traveller, All the famous posts that +I've already seen weeks back are now showing up on my Facebook newsfeed. + ―AtomicHomie, Sep 2015 +% +Ant-man could be in every shot of the new Captain America trailer and we +wouldn't know + ―londome, Nov 2015 +% +When Math teachers used to tell us "you won't always have a calculator with +you" they couldn't have been more wrong. + ―TillYouScream, Sep 2016 +% +What if we're not alone in the universe and we're actually a 'protected +species' living in a space nature reserve where no other life is allowed to +disturb us until we become a type I civilisation? + ―TheeAlligatorr, Oct 2016 +% +Your first time jerking off should be called your Faptism. + ―pupton_sinclair, Dec 2013 +% +The "&" symbol looks like a man scooting across the floor on his butt. + ―Tec4nom4ncer, Aug 2014 +% +We ask 18-year-olds to make huge decisions about their career and financial +future, when a month ago they had to ask to go to the bathroom. + ―brennan135, Feb 2015 +% +I wonder if I've ever been in possession of the same coin more than once + ―purient, Oct 2015 +% +Every celebrity that says "Follow your dreams" just has confirmation bias. + ―devilmaydance, Nov 2015 +% +I was much better at being myself when I was a kid. + ―telephototulip, Dec 2015 +% +I live in a modest 1 bed/bath apartment. To me it's small, but for insects +that find their way in, it is akin to the Mines of Moria, huge and cavernous +and unfamiliar architechure. And my cat is like the Balrog. + ―jabba_teh_slut, Apr 2016 +% +In 30 years, a song that hasn't been written yet will come on and make me +nostalgic about something that hasn't happened yet. + ―phridoo, Aug 2016 +% +Phones should have a "Drive Mode" feature that will automatically respond to +messages with "I'm driving" + ―Haberschmack, Sep 2016 +% +Hats off to the first guy in history to ever eat a crab, for he must have been +the hungriest person in existence... "Woah, look at that giant armored spider +of the sea, let's eat it!" + ―Missing_R_key, Sep 2014 +% +In this solar system, all problems on Earth are third world problems. + ―koulnis, Mar 2015 +% +I hope boat engines are measured in seahorse power + ―funkmessiah, Jun 2015 +% +Weird Al Yankovic should release a serious song on April fools day + ―RiverwoodHero, Sep 2015 +% +Starbucks should have a regular coffee line and a complicated ass order line + ―Pile_Of_Atoms, Mar 2016 +% +Selfie could easily be a another word for masturbation. + ―GatmanBegins, Mar 2016 +% +Since Boston and Philadelphia played the most influential roles in the +American revolution, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are the MA and PA of +American independence. + ―CKings, Jul 2016 +% +A prison sentence is just a long time-out for adults. + ―dillon1868, May 2014 +% +Most of reddit won't see this + ―necessaryevil13, Aug 2014 +% +All the coins tossed into fountains should be donated to the Make-A-Wish +Foundation. + ―pinkandglitter, Sep 2014 +% +Some day, there will be a space travel incident that is compared to the +sinking of the Titanic. + ―excited_by_typos, Mar 2015 +% +They should make condoms that turn a certain color when you stick them into +some STDs + ―hrm0894, May 2015 +% +Just completed a run and swim race, a "duathlon", and the whole time was +thinking: duathlon or do not athlon there is no triathlon. + ―spacemarine1, Aug 2015 +% +There is no "i" in denial + ―drewmicks, Sep 2015 +% +Dragons would think its cool that we create water in our mouths + ―oatsoup, Dec 2015 +% +I wonder if dinosaurs sang like the huge primordial birds they were. + ―ElectricFlesh, Jan 2016 +% +Nothing makes me sweat more than consciously acknowledging I forgot to put on +deodorant. + ―SuperSaiyanSandwich, Jul 2016 +% +Let's say I'm in a bus full of people. If none of these were born by one +reason or another, would I be alone on that bus or would other people take +their place? + ―DFanatic, Jul 2014 +% +Why do they call it, the 'roof' of your mouth. Since it is inside your mouth +shouldn't it be called the 'ceiling'? + ―krushingit, Oct 2014 +% +Characters in the Star Wars universe are completely unaware of the amazing +soundtrack that accompanies the most important moments in their lives. + ―thomasbomm, Dec 2014 +% +Liking a post before it hits the front page is like knowing someone before +they get famous. + ―tifff420, Jul 2015 +% +Every sperm whale was once whale sperm. + ―luckymotherduck, Sep 2015 +% +Phones should have a guest mode like computers you can switch to if someone +needs to use your phone. + ―Kinnakeet, Nov 2015 +% +Once marijuana is federally legalized, we'll get to tell our grandkids we +survived the Weed Prohibition. + ―NotReallyJustin, Feb 2016 +% +Dentists make money when people get cavities, if 9/10 dentists recommend a +certain toothbrush/toothpaste, shouldn't we be more suspicious? + ―KingJames1414, Oct 2016 +% +Gotye is someone we used to know. + ―iamaredditman1, Nov 2013 +% +The first person to buy Mentos and Diet Coke as a snack was probably really +surprised. + ―smbrickner, Oct 2014 +% +I imagine people in North Korea have an amazing view of the night sky. + ―mmason3891, Jan 2015 +% +Any sex in space, no matter how badly it goes, would still be "out of this +world." + ―thinwallryan, Apr 2015 +% +I am no where near as scary as 10 year old me thought people my age are. + ―JMS230, Jun 2015 +% +Me having a 'shitty ass fucking day' is much different than a porn star having +a 'shitty ass fucking day' + ―JustALuckyShot, Jul 2015 +% +As a 14 year old girl the funniest part of Reddit is imagining you all think +I'm a grown man + ―trustmeimnotastalker, Jul 2016 +% +I've seen dozens of change.org petitions but never heard of a single one +making any difference. + ―MrSquigles, Aug 2016 +% +I see the Google logo everyday, but I don't know which letter is which color. + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +Star wars is the story of a sentient invisible energy field playing chess with +itself. + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +When I get an inbox notification, I wonder who I pissed off. When I don't get +any inbox notifications, I'm sad that Reddit is ignoring me. + ―solepsis, Mar 2016 +% +Saturday the 14th is just as rare as Friday the 13th. + ―___AhPuch___, May 2016 +% +If my drinking interferes with my work, then I'm an alcoholic, right? So am I +a workaholic because my work is getting in the way of my drinking? + ―Boseddit, Jun 2016 +% +When I was a kid I was always told cats are scared of dogs, but I've only ever +seen dogs that are scared of cats. + ―SirSplodingSpud, Jul 2016 +% +The current generation are having "love at first sight moments" on the +toilet. Thanks Tinder! + ―camg55, Aug 2016 +% +The word "bumpy" is an onomatopoeia in Braille... + ―GhostLincoln, May 2014 +% +If Japan had won WWII, we'd be learning in school about the Japanese freeing +people from the concentration camps in America. + ―MaleGoddess, Feb 2015 +% +We should have an annual holiday where we turn off all the lights and look at +the night sky. + ―5hot6un, Oct 2015 +% +After seeing social media posts from my religious friends and family over the +last few weeks, it's now very clear that I learned more about how to be a good +person from Superman and Spider-Man than they did from Jesus. + ―CapnSmite, Nov 2015 +% +Never once in my life have I seen a pop-up add and thought, "I want to give +that company my money." + ―BillyBobJenkins222, Mar 2016 +% +A cellphone camera's flash gets more use as a flashlight than as a camera +flash + ―subydoo, Jun 2016 +% +I still can't believe the Seahawks didn't run the ball. + ―BenRoberto, Jul 2016 +% +You have already seen some people for the last time + ―LMAO_USERNAMES, Feb 2014 +% +A Big Gulp in a North Korean 7-11 should be called a "Supreme Litre." + ―theofavi, Mar 2015 +% +People who tell you "don't tell me what to do" are hypocrites. + ―KusMaster, Apr 2015 +% +For Anakin Skywalker's entire life he had to call someone a master right up +until he died + ―ImperiusII, Sep 2015 +% +Before the camera was invented, nobody had ever really seen what they looked +like with their eyes closed. + ―TheLordofLlamas, Nov 2015 +% +Valentine's Day tomorrow, everybody is gonna be waking up to cute paragraphs +& I'm gonna be waking up to "100% charged" and "update iCloud storage" + ―Lancewastaken, Feb 2016 +% +If I could go back in time and tell my 5-year-old self that I ride elevators +every day and ~95% of the time get to push the buttons myself, he would think +that was the coolest thing ever + ―GameHat, Jul 2016 +% +People often talk about the spike in divorce rates like its a bad thing, but +so many people used to stay in miserable or abusive relationships because it +wasn't socially acceptable/economically viable + ―blooaudio, Sep 2016 +% +I've spanked my wife way more than her parent ever did. + ―ifurmothronlyknw, Sep 2016 +% +When you put cheese on a burger, you are garnishing a dead cow with a product +of it's own breast milk. + ―username-rage, Aug 2013 +% +I before E except after C is another theory disproved by Science. + ―[deleted], Jul 2014 +% +I wonder how disappointed my penis and balls would be if they ever found out +that I have zero children after all the work they've done. + ―alldayerrdaym8, Aug 2015 +% +What if WinRAR is just waiting to sue everyone who kept their trial for more +than 40 days? + ―MooseOnAcid, May 2016 +% +If someone says "You love to argue" There is NOTHING you can do about it. + ―NobleSC3, Jun 2016 +% +Why do fat guys have to deal with rejection but fat girls are meant to be +loved for who they are? + ―RaynerJ, Jul 2016 +% +What if the only thing keeping us from entering mirrors is our own reflection? + ―[deleted], May 2013 +% +D.A.R.E. led me to believe that there would be drug dealers on every corner +offering me free samples to get me hooked. They must have confused drug +dealers with Costco on Sunday. + ―HankSc0rp10, Aug 2015 +% +I don't understand why some Christians promote abstinence as a form of birth +control when it didn't even work for Mary. + ―DirtyPineConeFeet, Oct 2015 +% +I bet foreigners visiting the U.S. are wondering why we never use the top half +of our flag poles. + ―treflexasaurus, Jul 2016 +% +Bathrooms should play loud music so nervous pooers don't need to worry about +being heard + ―Jump-man1994, Oct 2016 +% +The reason they call it going to "the mall" is because instead of going to one +store you go to "them all". + ―allgrassstarter, Nov 2014 +% +The "Summer of 69" song is going to kill it in 2069 + ―Hiphoptimus, Feb 2015 +% +In movies, someone fires a gun into the ceiling of a room to get everyone's +attention. The person then speaks like someone could actually hear them after +that. + ―probabilitydoughnut, Nov 2015 +% +I wonder how often fired bullets hit flying insects. + ―TheKillersVanilla, Jul 2016 +% +It's more accurate to say "deaths were postponed" than "lives were saved" + ―corleone21, Jul 2016 +% +If you are subpar at golf, you are good at golf. + ―Amindele, Oct 2016 +% +If dirty jokes are known as adult jokes, why are you called immature if you +laugh at them? + ―relativedimensions, Feb 2014 +% +Both "k's" on the word "knock" are useless. + ―the_russell_lives, Jun 2014 +% +Isn't the famous definition of 'insanity' the same as the definition of +'practice'? "Repeating something over and over expecting a different result". + ―jamiehall30, Apr 2015 +% +Superman could hear his adopted parents having sex in incredible detail, every +time. + ―afkurzz, Aug 2015 +% +Asking for someone's name is weird... Basically: "What noise should I make to +get your attention?" + ―cb526, Oct 2015 +% +After playing Pokémon Go! for a month, I now sympathize with and understand my +dogs frustration with claiming the hydrant at the corner every time we walk. + ―tapdancinghotdog, Aug 2016 +% +Neil Armstrong (Neil A) is "alien" spelt backwards. + ―aescnt, Feb 2014 +% +If we were really in the Matrix, the Machines would never have let the movie +"The Matrix" be made. + ―Ferrarity, Apr 2014 +% +If nuclear weapons didn't exist, we'd probably still have one devastating war +every generation. + ―ryandinho14, Aug 2015 +% +Ten years ago, if a girl had told me she was going to get her "selfie stick" +I'd have thought things were about to get AWESOME. + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +tl:dr, is a tl:dr of 'too long, didn't read', because 'too long, didn't read' +is too long to read. + ―mjmilian, Dec 2015 +% +49 Percent of the world is female yet i assume everything said on Reddit was +from a male + ―Not_Like_Devin, Aug 2016 +% +I'm not a morning person, but my dick sure is + ―SolidArk, Aug 2016 +% +Movie characters kill hundreds of henchmen but think they are too good to kill +the main bad guy. + ―masonsherer, Sep 2016 +% +The world in "The Matrix" was a post apocalyptic hell hole. If the machines +had just asked nicely, I bet the vast majority of humanity would have happily +signed up for a virtual existence. Then, the ones left over could just live in +peace. Everyone wins. + ―Wobbles42, Oct 2016 +% +If John McCain is a war failure for being captured, isn't Donald Trump a +business/leadership failure for filing bankruptcies? + ―CatchingRays, Jul 2015 +% +We should start broadcasting Independence Day into space with "based on a true +story" at the beginning so aliens don't try any shit + ―penguin_mustard, Nov 2015 +% +It would be satisfying to see Alex Trebek go on Jeopardy as a contestant and +just get absolutely smoked. + ―[deleted], Jan 2016 +% +Whenever I start to feel like I'm different or unique I come on Reddit and +realize there are thousands of people just like me + ―Pm9000, Apr 2016 +% +They say Taco Bell isn't real Mexican, but it does the job for half the +price...that's about as Mexican as it gets. + ―Loudsilences, Jul 2016 +% +You never notice how curved the inside of your shoe is until you put it on the +wrong foot. + ―Wyatt1710, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if I've ever had an original thought? + ―Anstent, Sep 2016 +% +A female peacock should be called a peacunt. + ―marlowned, Apr 2014 +% +“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I'm telling +mom”. + ―nest-ce-pas, May 2015 +% +Every current football player for Atlanta was born after 1980. This makes them +the Millennial Falcons. + ―[deleted], Jun 2015 +% +Every time I see a post about ISS astronauts, I "oh shit" as I think the +extremists have made it to space. + ―Iinthesky, Sep 2015 +% +With all the porn I've watched in my life I wonder how many times I've watched +someone get an STD + ―wakir, Jul 2016 +% +50% percent of Canada is the letter a + ―bearbreasts, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder how many cavemen would've been geniuses if they were born in the +right time period + ―SporadicSheep, Oct 2016 +% +All animals except humans have the right to be nude in public + ―nudistfrog, Jul 2014 +% +1 billion seconds = 31.7 years. There are roughly 7 billion humans alive right +now. So every second that passes, about 222 years, or ~3 lifetimes worth of +human experience has just happened. + ―MrCardio, Jul 2014 +% +We all say nice things about people after they kill themselves. We praise +their work and say how much we loved them. Perhaps if we did this more often +*before* they died, maybe they might not kill themselves... I love you Bill +Murray, and you Dan Aykroyd, and you, dear Redditor! + ―jimiffondu, Aug 2014 +% +They should get rid of the "small, medium, large" sizes for things like fries +and soda, and instead use calorie content. "I'd like 1500 calories of fries, a +bacon cheese burger, and a liter of diet coke" + ―labracadabradorr, Jan 2015 +% +A subplot of many 90s films was the "business dad" who wouldn't get off the +phone, resulting in a disappointed kid. Nowadays, these roles have reversed. + ―sirbaralot, Jan 2015 +% +If you have an unattractive physical feature, don't get too bummed out about +it because somebody else in your lineage probably had it to, and they +obviously got laid. + ―no0neiv, Feb 2015 +% +Old pirates kept everything for themself. Today's pirates share everything for +free. + ―idontknowdogs, Jun 2015 +% +There should be a shop where they have a boob scanner that 3D prints the +perfect bra for you. + ―Awesome-o_O, Oct 2015 +% +This time of the year is perfect for masturbating. If any of your loved ones +ask why your door is locked, you can just say you were wrapping gifts. + ―TalismanicMagick, Dec 2015 +% +I'm going to feel so old when the porn-stars I masturbated to start dying. + ―LinearTipsOfficial, Feb 2016 +% +We all walk around with 4K cameras in our pockets but every time there's a +terrorist attack the surveillance footage was filmed by a potato + ―nord88, Mar 2016 +% +The best defense against someone video taping you is to blast a song from an +artist serious about copyright infringement. + ―EnsignN7, Apr 2016 +% +I just procrastinated watching a TED talk on procrastination. + ―jackhyde90, Apr 2016 +% +There should be a "PC Health Day", when everybody scans for viruses and +updates their drivers + ―syd_barretts_cat, Apr 2016 +% +If God created humankind in his image, and to be rational and reasonable +thinkers, then he would expect us to question his existence, based on factual +evidence. Maybe the real test to get into heaven is not to believe in God. + ―Bryrn, Aug 2016 +% +Marijuana isn't the gateway to heroin. It's a roadblock. I'm too happy, lazy, +broke, and hungry to wanna try hard drugs. + ―Grande_Latte_Enema, Sep 2016 +% +Because of the large amounts of amateur porn on the internet, someone in the +future will unknowingly masturbate to a video of their own grandparents. + ―Pianoician, Jan 2015 +% +"Hey man!" is a greeting. "Hey woman!" is likely the beginning of an argument. + ―[deleted], Apr 2015 +% +Men get morning wood every morning, but "morning" depends on location..So +there has been a massive boner wave going around the earth each day for +thousands of years as men wake up every morning + ―BillCryTheSadGuy, Jun 2015 +% +At some point in my life someone has probably seen me and thought "Well... at +least I'm not that guy" + ―breauxzzio, Jul 2015 +% +So far, no one has come back in time to try and kill me, so I guess I turn out +alright... + ―jordan_defritos, Oct 2016 +% +Barack Obama could be ejaculating right now + ―honeypuppy, Dec 2013 +% +When you see responses to a deleted comment, it's a bit like when kenny +talks. Everyone else knows what he says, but your left to figure it out on +your own. + ―OwowowOwows, Aug 2014 +% +I spent 4 minutes watching a video of dogs chasing their tails thinking how +easily amused they are, then I realized I spent 4 minutes watching dogs chase +their tail. + ―flipsideCREATIONS, Oct 2014 +% +It must be difficult for someone named "Rob Banks" to open a checking account. + ―SearchingDeepSpace, Jun 2015 +% +Since Half-life 2 was released I have joined the Army, fought in a war, left +the army for college, graduated with a masters degree and started a new +career, this point HL3 will be a lifetime away. + ―Kangaroo-, May 2016 +% +We have automatic sliding doors everywhere except where they would be most +useful: bathroom entrances. + ―what_is_not_art, May 2016 +% +If my dog left, no matter for now long, and I didn't know where he went, I +would be as happy to see him when he got back as he is to see me when I come +home. + ―evlbuxmbetty, May 2016 +% +As a gamer, I look at someone's Steam game list instead of their Facebook +profile to see what type of person they really are + ―Tamale_y_Pepino, May 2016 +% +In 7 years, when referring to the 'twenties,' we will have to specify the +1920s. + ―TheNestleCrunch, May 2013 +% +Martin Shkreli was probably planning a price bump to $18 all along, he just +knew any price increase would be met with outrage. Bump the price to $750, get +a ton of free publicity, "drop the price" back down to $18, and convince +people the $5 price bump per pill is actually reasonable. + ―CallMeTheCommodore, Sep 2015 +% +There should be a "pick a random episode" button on Netflix for the shows I've +watched a million times. + ―imhuuuuuungry, Nov 2015 +% +A watch pronounces its own time of death. + ―silversaturn48, Jan 2016 +% +If I killed myself, I'd get a huge balloon and tie a gun to it. I'd shoot +myself and the gun would float away and everyone would always wonder what +happened. + ―brock_lee, Feb 2016 +% +I use the "Parents Guide" section on imdb to see if a film is suitable to +watch with my parents + ―acertainbr0mance, May 2016 +% +I wonder if 90-year-olds are ever like "oh man, what was I thinking when I was +80? I have life way more figured out now" + ―PMME-YOUR-TITS-GIRL, Oct 2016 +% +If you sleep through an earthquake, aren't you technically shaken, not +stirred? + ―HighwireAct, Aug 2014 +% +Dating profiles should include preferred ambient temperature. + ―chris45215, Sep 2014 +% +What if when we die, we get to relive our life in the memories that other +people have of us? So the quality of our afterlife is entirely based on being +part of other people's good memories. + ―crowe706, Mar 2015 +% +If it was true that one's manhood was directly proportional to the size of +one's shoes, and inversely proportional to the size of one's car, then clowns +would be record holders. + ―Prezombie, Jun 2015 +% +All words are made up + ―NoneApplicable, Mar 2016 +% +Smashing garlic in order to peel it is probably something that was discovered +through tremendous frustration. + ―eezpz, May 2016 +% +I will not rest until I find a cure for my insomnia + ―RicknMorty93, Jul 2016 +% +When I vomit from a shot, my stomach is over-ruling my executive decision to +get drunk. + ―Bestwick, Oct 2013 +% +Seeing girls look really good on social media is the same as seeing fast food +look really good on a comercial + ―PhilosophersStone1, Nov 2014 +% +My hand has probably traveled over a mile just from wiping my ass alone. + ―Personacorona, Feb 2015 +% +Most people drive to work every week with the exact same group of drivers, and +they don't even know who those people are. + ―Blackjack148, Feb 2015 +% +If Mary was a virgin, that means her marriage to Joseph was never consummated, +meaning Jesus was born out of wedlock. Jesus was a bastard + ―UnholyDemigod, Apr 2015 +% +If a fight video was uploaded to YouTube and was over 240p, not shaky, and not +filmed in portrait, I would think it was faked + ―BigJ76, May 2015 +% +A coffee and smartphone today are just the cigarette and newspaper of 20 years +ago. + ―CoffeeGrrl, Jul 2015 +% +Bagels are merely a vehicle to get cream cheese into my mouth + ―BoogerFarb, Nov 2015 +% +When I see a middle aged person vaping, I assume they've made a healthy +decision and quit smoking. When I see young kid vaping, I assume they're a +douche bag. + ―dicktrickle4, Apr 2016 +% +Every Shoe is Buy One Get One Free + ―RealJacktheJack, Jul 2016 +% +Duck-Billed Platypuses lay eggs and lactate making them one of the very few +animals who can make their own custard. + ―cowboysted, Aug 2016 +% +Take a photo with Michael Phelps and you'll have a good chance at getting gold +next Olympics + ―HarrySeverusPotter, Aug 2016 +% +I've never seen a black couple with an adopted white child. + ―NostralDumass, Sep 2016 +% +Plastic dinosaurs are made from oil... which is made from fossils of real +dinosaurs + ―DeviousLittleCupcake, May 2013 +% +If you die a virgin, you would be the first person in your entire ancestry, +since the beginning of life itself, who did. + ―murfburffle, May 2014 +% +The TSA would shit themselves if you brought a parachute as your carry-on + ―bandito5280, Aug 2014 +% +You don't know your very own birth date until someone tells you. + ―Bollaa, Feb 2015 +% +What if the reason for Google making self-driving cars is so that they can +drive through Detriot for google maps without getting killed + ―dragoninmyanus, Jul 2015 +% +I'm really glad my dog can't talk, he knows too much. + ―Harrupm, Dec 2015 +% +"You saved my life" should actually be said as "You postponed my death" + ―SassyPander, Dec 2015 +% +Cannibals actually are what they eat + ―Underdog_hero9, Apr 2016 +% +The fact that I can turn a knob in my house and have as much clean, fresh, +potable water come out as I want is literally amazing. + ―J1hubbs2H, Jun 2016 +% +Wouldn't it make more sense to to swear on the Constitution, instead of the +bible, while in court? + ―_Bikini_Bandit_, Jun 2016 +% +True Embarrassment lies within your first email address + ―UdtaPunjab, Jul 2016 +% +I'm getting really excited for the final season of America! + ―FrigginMartin, Sep 2016 +% +90% of the star wars commercials I see on TV are not even trailers for star +wars, just companies using star wars to sell their products + ―jakemallett, Nov 2015 +% +As an American, I sometimes find it funny the way British people pronounce +things. Until I realize that they invented the language and I'm the one that +should be laughed at. + ―bababui22, Mar 2016 +% +I'm an orphan who is single; every picture of me is a family portrait. + ―ace10brian, Mar 2016 +% +I'd like to think that Jessie's girl grew up and gave birth to a girl named +Stacy. + ―Chadpbryant, May 2016 +% +It's crazy how we pass our birthday every year and we know that on that day we +were born, but we also pass the day we will die every year and have no clue + ―nameuser14, Aug 2016 +% +There should be a Blackfish like documentary for pugs and other exotic dogs +that struggle on a daily basis and are bred for our amusement. + ―dagp89, Oct 2016 +% +/r/Beer has a side bar. + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +"Practice" seems like a terrible name for a health or legal establishment. + ―ilikeobjects, Jul 2015 +% +When I was younger, I thought 21 year olds were so old and had their life +together. Now that I'm older, I think 21 year olds are just big children who +still are lost in life. + ―sarahdempsey1993, Sep 2015 +% +The fact that there's a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a +lot about the expected traffic. + ―Gazanova, Mar 2016 +% +I never understood straight men disliking gay men. Not only do they leave more +women for you, they take another dude out with them! + ―lipkowano, Jun 2016 +% +I hope they make 2 more Thor films so I can say at the cinema 'four for Thor 4 +at 4' + ―itskieran, Jul 2015 +% +I haven't seen anyone complaining about the Starbucks cup. I've only seen +people complaining about people complaining about the Starbucks cup. + ―backseatcharles, Nov 2015 +% +Zombie movies usually depict a universe in which zombie movies do not exist + ―sfacets, Jul 2016 +% +For a drink that is Lemon and Lime flavored, Sprite isn't very sour. + ―IHeartPallets, Jul 2014 +% +if you can't find your camouflage clothing, did you or did you not waste your +money? + ―pork-bunz, Aug 2015 +% +Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it +was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom. + ―TheButt69, Dec 2015 +% +At first everything was Cool, then we were all Sick. Things started to get Hot +until mixtapes caught Fire. Now everything is Lit. + ―Ctrl--Alt, May 2016 +% +Mobile keyboard space bars should have two parts - one part is if you want +autocorrect to correct you, and the other part is if you don't want +autocorrect to correct you + ―tansasciadam, Aug 2016 +% +Sex shops should have self-checkouts like at the supermarket so it's not as +awkward + ―BlackPresident, Jul 2013 +% +The larger you make something out of Legos, the higher the resolution. + ―yourname240, May 2014 +% +if i asked "what is your favourite sub?" my grandfather would name a naval +vehicle, my mother would name a sandwich, and my friends would name a page of +reddit + ―burgerlover69, Nov 2014 +% +One's own funeral could be the first time that people say how they feel about +you and you'll never hear it + ―drjonesenberg, Jun 2015 +% +I wonder how many times I've been referred as "I once had a friend who..." or +"I once knew a guy that..." + ―theobserving, Aug 2015 +% +I don't think I've ever met anyone whose favourite colour is brown + ―its_muri, May 2016 +% +If the singular form of "mice" is "mouse", shouldn't the singular of "lice" be +"louse"? + ―lwhypc, Aug 2016 +% +The i is the center of the word "hurricane". + ―jcc04, Sep 2016 +% +Americans stereotype Mexicans as "lazy" while simultaneously complaining that +Mexicans are "stealing all of our [labor-intensive] jobs." + ―frazwood, Oct 2016 +% +When saying "poop" your mouth moves just like your anus does while taking one. + ―MacuahuitI, Oct 2014 +% +Parkour, only the French would create a martial art that was about running +away. + ―keeplayer109, Apr 2015 +% +The only animals that seem to get fat are humans or other animals raised by +humans + ―[deleted], May 2015 +% +I should name my cat "meow" so it could introduce itself + ―crazymoon, Jun 2015 +% +The ultimate aim of charities is to no longer be required + ―BritishPenguin, Aug 2015 +% +Kids with two homosexual fathers are immune to your mom jokes. + ―thetimujin, Aug 2015 +% +Snowmobile engines should be rated in dogpower. + ―pokersjokers, Feb 2016 +% +The reason Patrick is so clueless is because he lives under a rock. + ―themeepjedi, Mar 2016 +% +Amazon really needs a "I have £20 to spend and no idea what I want, show me +cool things" button. + ―FearOfAllSums, Jul 2016 +% +In 50 years, retirement homes will host LAN parties instead of bingo nights + ―BasedJedi, Dec 2013 +% +I spend so much time alone if I was ever falsely accused for a crime I would +never have an alibi. + ―Sunshinelolliepops, Jul 2014 +% +We would be broke if we stopped working. + ―TheDebauchedSloth, Sep 2014 +% +Do Christians seriously believe that, when he returns, it will please Jesus +when he's instantly confronted with millions of crosses? + ―Seamus122, Sep 2014 +% +Crossfit is like the opposite of fight club + ―F_is_for_ferns83, Jan 2015 +% +The seven Harry Potter books are the seven horcruxes. JKR put some of her soul +into writing each one and she will live on forever through her writing. + ―AtomikRadio, Aug 2015 +% +It's entirely possible that I am a former Men in Black agent. + ―willj5784, Nov 2015 +% +I wonder how much HP I'd have if I had a health bar. + ―Gildish_Chambino, Jan 2016 +% +If you died while driving a Tesla on auto pilot it would drive your dead body +around for all to see + ―slayez06, May 2016 +% +Looking back on it, it's super weird that we as kids had to ask to use the +vvashroom in class and would sometimes get told not to, asked why we didn't go +at lunch, or got asked 'I don't know, CAN you?' - in hindsight that seems like +teachers just being dicks for fun + ―santaHax0r, Jun 2016 +% +The guys version of "I shaved my legs for this" is "I washed my sheets for +this". + ―winklevos, Jul 2016 +% +How did Americans go from rallying against the 1% to potentially nominating +the embodiment of the 1%? + ―peacefultoker420, Jul 2016 +% +If I had a dollar for every thing millennials have been accused of killing, +I'd be able to afford living in the destroyed economy the boomers left for us. + ―kay_bizzle, Sep 2016 +% +Time travel either has always existed, or it never will. + ―codydf, May 2016 +% +On Reddit, your credibility is based upon the age of your account, not the age +of your person + ―anightatthehiphopera, Jun 2016 +% +I have the power to move things with my mind, but only while I'm holding +them. + ―CormacWasTaken, Oct 2016 +% +If you would mount garbage trucks with camera’s you could weekly update google +maps street view. + ―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016 +% +If you sleep in the same bed every day, your daily displacement is +approximately zero + ―hatterkiller, Oct 2016 +% +"Stop agreeing with me!" creates an instant paradox. + ―SergeantGrumbles, Aug 2013 +% +Just by changing the shape of my mouth, I can use my breath to either cool +something off, or warm something up. + ―fistpunchman, Aug 2015 +% +You are still "it" from a game of tag you played several years ago. + ―AREYOUFUCKING_SORRY, Sep 2015 +% +They should make little sticks that sit behind your steering wheel to help +people communicate with others on the road when they want to make a turn or +merge into others lane. + ―flaminghotcheetos123, Aug 2016 +% +Ive never seen a broken lego. + ―bkashooter, Oct 2016 +% +We should all run 6 kilometres instead of 5 so we can find the cure for cancer +faster + ―Ganglebot, Jan 2015 +% +Ever wonder how many strangers have thought you were attractive in passing + ―kevincrown1, Jul 2015 +% +By illegally downloading music, I'm actually encouraging my favorite artists +to go on tour. + ―tenderloinman, Aug 2015 +% +My mother is the only person on this earth that has ever had the option to +legally terminate my existence. + ―postymcpostpost, Feb 2016 +% +If you own zero dollars you are more rich than 80% of The USA. + ―jobboyjob, Apr 2016 +% +I should be reimbursed for the data ads use. + ―liberprim, Apr 2016 +% +I'm British, but I watch so many American movies I'd probably end up dialling +911 instead of 999 in an emergency. + ―JoeFish2018, Aug 2016 +% +If a female inmate is released at that time of the month, her sentence ends +with a period. + ―verandaguy, Feb 2014 +% +Having a face only a mother could love is pretty cool when you toss MILFs into +the equation + ―atzikki, Nov 2014 +% +Autocorrect probably thinks there's an epidemic of people who have trouble +spelling "duck". + ―acthrellis, Nov 2014 +% +Drinks without alcohol are called 'virgin' because they never have anything +hard in them + ―GodlikeMadman, Nov 2014 +% +Most of us don't like the buzzing sound that wasps and the like make, and even +react with fear. But imagine if those fuckers were silent... + ―Amopax, Jun 2015 +% +If I fall asleep at a friends home, instead of covering me with a blanket I'd +be more impressed if they plugged my phone in to charge. + ―dcarvak, Jul 2016 +% +Wallets are just pockets that we put in our pockets + ―dairyqueen814, Aug 2013 +% +You had absolutely no say in the matter of your existence. + ―SNOGLO, Sep 2013 +% +Car horns should all be tuned to one diatonic scale so that during traffic +jams it would make an amazing improvised concert of horns instead of the usual +cacophony. + ―Quitforchange, Jun 2014 +% +Because of the rapid pace of innovation, the first people to leave our planet +to settle a distant solar system, might not be the first to arrive there + ―mmcgrath, Oct 2014 +% +Sending a dick pick is literally junk mail + ―Mmmbeerisu, May 2015 +% +If a serial killer was hunting me - he would become very pissed at my lack of +routine. + ―MichaelGaryScotch, Oct 2015 +% +Does my dog realize he's gone deaf or does he just think everyone has stopped +talking to him. + ―tetraheezl, Mar 2016 +% +Loading bars have been stuck on 99% way more than 1% of the time + ―DrRichardNygard, May 2016 +% +Basically, all pets have Stockholm Syndrome. We keep them locked up until they +love us. + ―stevecrse, Sep 2016 +% +On Mars, the Reddit mascot should be a human + ―Paasu, Oct 2016 +% +A small child who draws a circle when asked to draw a star is probably either +somewhat delayed or very advanced. + ―who_fox, Feb 2015 +% +Women live longer than men. Gay men live longer than straight men. Therefore +sucking dick is the fountain of youth. + ―Kidwithrocks, Jun 2015 +% +Eminem should have been really impressed with Stan's rapping + ―Revolver25, Jul 2015 +% +You put things in a folder to keep them from getting folded + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +Why aren't cereal bags zip-loc yet? + ―Not_your_pot_dealer, Jan 2016 +% +If only mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood... + ―WhyUSoMadFor, Aug 2016 +% +Pussies are biologically designed to receive regular poundings and stretch to +birth an entire miniature human; one kick to the testicles can destroy a +guy. Yet for some reason, we associate "pussy" with weakness and having +"balls" with strength. + ―sthornr, Oct 2016 +% +We're all background characters in somebody else's story. + ―tsar_nicholas_III, Oct 2014 +% +I am tied for the world record for the least amount of world records. + ―CrumBoleh, Dec 2014 +% +The guy who discovered coffee is kinda responsible for every other discovery +too. + ―JeLoc, Jul 2015 +% +The word "nun" is just the letter "n" doing a cartwheel. + ―[deleted], Aug 2015 +% +When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you then become a vacuum cleaner. + ―EnzohGorlami, Mar 2016 +% +When you're a child, dirty jokes are considered adult. However, when you're an +adult, dirty jokes are considered juvenile/immature. + ―Rap3DBac0N, Apr 2016 +% +If I made a sex tape, it could be a vine. + ―GolfIsWhyImBroke, May 2016 +% +Steam should have a "Recommended for your shitty computer" section. + ―DamnDanielToHell, Jun 2016 +% +If I was a drug dealer, every time someone would ask for coke I would say, "is +pepsi okay?" + ―Alaskan_bull_worm94, Jul 2016 +% +Did they ever find out if it was Maybelline? + ―origiins, Nov 2013 +% +If you die in your bedroom, you've passed through its door an odd number of +times; if you die outside of your bedroom, you've passed through that door an +even number of times. + ―enlightenment_being, Jan 2014 +% +Homeless people are the ultimate proof that ignoring a problem doesn't make it +go away. + ―TouchedThePoop, May 2015 +% +There's probably an IT guy at the Whitehouse that knows what the President +faps to. + ―NurseNerd, May 2015 +% +If watching porn gives men unrealistic expectations from relationships, then +watching romantic comedies can do the same for women. + ―TonalDrump, Apr 2016 +% +In the 1960s when I watched the Jetsons, I would not be surprised to hear that +someday I would carry a small videophone with me. But if you told me I would +hardly ever use it and instead would communicate by laboriously typing short +messages on a tiny keyboard, I would think you were crazy. + ―Dr_Ko, Apr 2016 +% +Today i went To The toliet without my phone and there 112 tiles in the +bathroom + ―paechoul, Aug 2016 +% +What if we aren't the FIRST Intelligent life forms in the Universe, but the +LAST. + ―Cynestrith, Sep 2016 +% +The porn industry should be known as 'The Jizzness' + ―Heart_of_Dagless, Mar 2015 +% +We should get a 3rd set of teeth at 35. We would take much better care of them +than our second set. + ―DoesNotTreadPolitely, Aug 2015 +% +I've never been told when to do my taxes. Or how. Or why. Or even what taxes +are. But if I get it wrong, I go to jail. + ―Not_Acinonyx_Jubatus, Sep 2015 +% +We invented plates to keep our food off the ground. Then, we invented tables +to keep our plates off the ground, which were invented to keep our food off +the ground. Then, we used tablecloths to keep our plates off our tables. + ―EvilDoctor130, Nov 2015 +% +The two thing in my life that have the most to do with my health and +happiness, nutrition and personal finance, were only superficially touched on +in elementary school and then never addressed again throughout my education. + ―TheL0nePonderer, Apr 2016 +% +Everytime someone on TV or a movie goes underwater, i hold my breath along +with them. I've died almost everytime, they've survived almost everytime. My +lungs must be shit. + ―chilejon, Jun 2016 +% +The movie "It" should be remade every 23 to 27 years with the child cast from +the previous version starring as the adults in the new version + ―brennan69, Sep 2016 +% +The inventors of Photoshop could've kept their product for themselves and had +the time of their lives. + ―asdg3434, Oct 2016 +% +Falling asleep on the couch and waking up with a blanket is one of the best +feelings...unless you live alone + ―webman504, Oct 2016 +% +What if a sloth has been chasing me around for the last 5 years but he just +can't catch up to me? + ―Jakeeeeeeeey, Apr 2014 +% +"Good Will Hunting" could also be a name for a reality TV show about looking +for thrift store bargains. + ―eric0911, Jul 2014 +% +People who decide not to have kids probably are the ones who should + ―Countlesshrs, Apr 2016 +% +I avoid having to read an entire linked article by reading triple its length +in reddit comments. + ―YourPostTitleIsTrash, Jul 2016 +% +I wish taco trucks worked like ice cream trucks. I'd run out every single time +I heard the mariachi music. + ―Frazaza, Oct 2016 +% +Aren't humans just a virus infecting and killing our host (Earth)? And once we +colonize other planets, have we successfully gone airborne? + ―kkampy, Nov 2014 +% +If light travels faster than sound, why can i hear my girlfriend bitching at +me before i can see what have i done wrong? + ―Sonzu, May 2016 +% +They should permanently host the Olympics in Athens, so there will be no need +to build new venues and it will provide a boost to the Greek economy. + ―sjdr92, Jul 2016 +% +Bear Grylls should reboot Man Vs. Wild with one twist, Gordon Ramsay +accompanies him and he cooks delicious food out of what Bear brings him. + ―EndsUpOnDoctorWho, May 2014 +% +If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed? + ―Zegopher, Jul 2014 +% +An employer probably wouldn't hire a person being investigated by the FBI, but +we will probably elect one. + ―DubistPoop, Apr 2016 +% +I'm pretty sure Earth and humanity is some alien's science project that he got +an A on, and now we're just sitting in his room somewhere while he's at +college + ―hansoncane, Apr 2016 +% +I'm not the only one who always thought the D in Disney was a backwards G for +the longest time right? + ―ItsJinvy, Aug 2016 +% +Patriotism is a silly idea, everyone would be better off if they pledged their +allegiance to Earth. + ―ClavicusNitrus, Jul 2014 +% +If objects attract all other objects in the universe, then no matter how small +the force, the turd I just dropped in the toilet is pulling Jennifer Lawrence +closer to me. + ―Qrrbrbirlbelz, Aug 2014 +% +In Fight Club Brad Pitt's character makes fun of the fact that airplanes have +seat belts. 14 years later his character in World War Z is saved by a seat +belt in a plane crash + ―FuckYouItWasfunny, Nov 2014 +% +Middle names starting with the letter 'V.' make it seem as if their first and +last names are constantly battling each other. + ―JakiiB, Jan 2015 +% +You're all reading this from the future! + ―MoocowR, Jan 2015 +% +If you win a one year's supply of calendars, you just get one calendar. + ―this_is_for_my_job, May 2015 +% +Stairs are just low resolution slopes. + ―ForeverATaco, May 2015 +% +A bunch of guys at the FBI look at child porn all day. + ―OnBehalfOfEverone, May 2015 +% +Noah's ark was the first "bangbus" + ―pregabalin, Sep 2015 +% +Today is the only day of the year that's a command. March 4th + ―superfly355, Mar 2016 +% +My mother came out of a vagina, and her mother before her, and her mother +before her. Since I'm infertile, I'm the last link in an unbroken chain of +vaginas, stretching back millions of years across my species to the dawn of +interior fertilization. I am the point where all of that stops. + ―liimlsan, Jun 2016 +% +One day someone is going to have to explain "Dick's out for Harambe" to the +child that fell into his enclosure. + ―DroopyDrewP, Aug 2016 +% +Literally the only purpose for the cover of a book is so you can judge the +book. + ―Dreamlite, Sep 2016 +% +Thanksgiving is like the grand feast for people who are going into the battle +of sales on Black Friday. + ―illCuddleYouSoHard, Nov 2014 +% +They should grow plants in gyms since there is more CO2 & humidity from +people exhaling/sweating during exercise which, in turn, helps plants produce +more oxygen for those same people which, in turn, helps them increase oxygen +blood flow, improving exercise efficiency. + ―aprendiendo, Mar 2015 +% +If Bill Nye the Science Guy is ever replaced by a robot, it should be named +Eugene the Science Machine + ―ReallyAngryPotato, Jul 2015 +% +I've killed as many people as the strongest hurricane ever recorded. + ―TheGloob, Oct 2015 +% +Before I die, I should chug popcorn kernels before getting cremated + ―ViperSRT3g, Nov 2015 +% +If my future husband is as introverted as me, I'll never meet him. + ―morthrow, Nov 2015 +% +There should be a "one coffee only" line at Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts. + ―rambotoad, Jan 2016 +% +The new American Dream is having a positive net worth. + ―velaxtrum, Feb 2016 +% +Porn movies should have a "bloopers" part at the end showing how many times +the guy accidentally came before a scene ended. + ―PM_ME_STEAMGAMES_PLS, Jun 2016 +% +Just once I want a time travel franchise to release the sequel first. + ―polio23, Jul 2016 +% +Good guy Elon Musk - Finds out that Facebook is spying on everyone - Destroys +their $200 million dollar spy satellite by blowing up his own rocket. + ―RiXZ, Sep 2016 +% +The royal baby should be crowning soon. + ―r3dd_dwarf, Jul 2013 +% +Did Trix cereal really change shape to circles, or are they still shaped like +fruit and I can't see them anymore because Trix are for kids? + ―I-said-boo-urns, Jun 2014 +% +Stephen Hawkings AMA tomorrow should have a 'Play' button on all his responses +so the computer can read them out in his voice. + ―Ascii_Kidd, Jul 2015 +% +I really feel like FarmersOnly.com would have been much more effective if they +named it efarmony instead + ―Toppen1, Jul 2015 +% +Shouldn't the Air and Space museum be empty? + ―[deleted], Aug 2015 +% +I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me. + ―Fuzzy_lover_43, Aug 2015 +% +The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand, we listen +to reply. + ―-batwoman, Sep 2015 +% +If McDonalds is serving breakfast all day, they should take a Spicy McChicken +patty and put it on a McGriddle Bun and call it the McChicken N' Waffle + ―weighingthedog, Oct 2015 +% +No caterpillar has ever died of old age + ―potatoteam, Oct 2015 +% +In the bible, Noah told people when it would rain. Nowadays, NOAA tells people +when it will rain. + ―yummypi, Oct 2015 +% +The app is called Tinder because you get matches. + ―KBouch47, Dec 2015 +% +I exaggerate more than anyone in the world. + ―tophcity31, May 2016 +% +the older i get, the less i use cereal as an item for breakfast and the more i +use it for a dessert. + ―Cp5k, Jun 2016 +% +Cyclopes can't watch movies in 3D + ―jketeli, Aug 2013 +% +Going private is the funniest thing I've seen out of /r/funny in ages. + ―Marpl, Jul 2015 +% +Imagine how many alarm clocks go off at the same time every morning + ―Raw0974, Jul 2015 +% +I have never put a suit in a suitcase + ―_Wildcard_96, Sep 2015 +% +I went to the bathroom right before midnight and finished right after +midnight. Same shit, different day. + ―sykurbjorn, Oct 2015 +% +If the only certainties in life are death and taxes, the most secure job in +the world is an accountant at a funeral home. + ―plfa, Jan 2016 +% +My mom doesn't know it but she likes me way better when i'm high. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +Too often I close an interesting thread because I wasn't satisfied with the +top comment. + ―Erolone, Jul 2016 +% +Missouri's state motto should be "Missouri loves company.". + ―Inconspicuous-_-, Aug 2016 +% +People are born naked but buried in fancy suits + ―agentchaos1996, Aug 2016 +% +Nothing in the real world is straight. Nothing in the digital word is curved. + ―scrupulousness, Sep 2016 +% +If someone in the same house as you is being quiet during sex for your sake, +that means that they are thinking of you during sex. + ―TheSwiftBrownFox, Jun 2014 +% +Give someone a penny for their thoughts. Take their two cents. Repeat. Profit. + ―RamsesThePigeon, Jun 2014 +% +In 2019, 30 years after its first release, Billy Joel should re-release "We +Didn't Start the Fire" with another verse filled with all the shit that's +happened since. + ―ImaGaySeaOtter, Mar 2015 +% +When you buy something from a blacksmith, whoever smelt it dealt it. + ―WilsonHanks, Apr 2015 +% +I wonder if penguins taste more like poultry or more like fish. + ―TheG-What, Apr 2015 +% +Being born is a death sentence + ―HanumanKingBar, Jun 2015 +% +I can't watch The Walking Dead because I can't suspend disbelief in a zombie +apocalypse where nobody ever says the word "fuck" + ―airbagsavedme, Nov 2015 +% +Had he not been healed, Frodo would have made the dorkiest ringwraith in the +history of Middle earth. + ―leila_k, Mar 2016 +% +I wouldn't be okay with wiping shit off of any other part of my body with just +a few sheets of dry TP. + ―SurpriseNinja, Apr 2016 +% +Being gilded by someone in /r/Frugal seems like it's more of an accomplishment +than usual. + ―Chambadon, Jan 2015 +% +How much good porn have I missed because the thumbnail didn't interest me. + ―SenseiPoru, Jun 2015 +% +For April Fool's Day a radio station should play nothing but Weird Al songs +but act like they're the original versions. + ―IIGe0II, Feb 2016 +% +Dogs lick us because we have bones inside. + ―Undust4able, Apr 2016 +% +Saying you identify with the opposite gender, means you hold stereotypes about +the opposite gender. + ―OneManNinjaClan, May 2016 +% +If there's one thing all nations agree on, it's having a flag. + ―FNA25, Aug 2016 +% +I don't think I've ever seen an uncircumcised penis drawn on a bathroom stall + ―4underscore____, Aug 2016 +% +I hate it when anyone looks at my computer screen without me asking them to, +regardless of what's on it. + ―MycoChemist, Oct 2016 +% +Books should be numbered downward instead of upwards, so you would know how +many pages were left. + ―HenryTandey, Oct 2016 +% +What if when we die, we instantly become a baby being born, but we temporarily +maintain the memory of dying, and that's why babies are born crying? + ―gpace1216, Oct 2014 +% +Every time I pop bubble wrap, I'm releasing imprisoned Chinese factory air +that otherwise had a life sentence for just being in the wrong place at the +wrong time. + ―Grammajew, Jan 2015 +% +I haven't swam competitively since I was a sperm. + ―FourWordReplies, Aug 2016 +% +A machine that builds ATMs would be called an "ATM Machine"... + ―Shock_Hazzard, Jan 2014 +% +Preventing childhood obesity is as easy as taking candy from a baby + ―Lotr29, Apr 2014 +% +Humanity’s fear of aliens boils down to fearing that aliens will treat +humanity like humanity treats the world. + ―Greatpatient, Nov 2014 +% +You can't turn the ability to read off. You can't look at words without +automatically and instantly comprehending them. Your brain has taken a +human-made thing and made it instinct. + ―lilallen13, Dec 2014 +% +To an illiterate person, alphabet soup, is just weird noodles. + ―DocYoshi, Jan 2015 +% +The police will have trouble gaining revenue once weed is legalized and there +are only self driving cars on the road + ―DPX106, Jul 2015 +% +Viagra's slogan should be "No more fucking problems" + ―Katberga, Aug 2015 +% +Growing up, I used to look forward to a 3 month break. As an adult, I get a 4 +day weekend and it's the highlight of my year. + ―Astrocomet25, Sep 2015 +% +After all the new Star Wars movies come out, Star Wars will be a trilogy of +trilogies. + ―ganondorf_the_grey, Nov 2015 +% +People who live in glass houses shouldn't. + ―fireforfear, Dec 2015 +% +Always bring the banana to your mouth, never bring your mouth to the banana. + ―johnson2johnson, Dec 2015 +% +Figuratively, if someone is "killing it," "slaying it," or "murdering it" then +they are doing a great job. But if they are "butchering it" they are doing a +horrible job. These phrases have opposite connotations in real life. + ―makes_the_sandwich, Dec 2015 +% +In a game of golf, the goal is to play as little golf as possible. + ―neren, Jul 2014 +% +Every gym should have a Beginner's Room, so out-of-shape people can work out +without feeling like they're being judged. + ―Whoopsht, Oct 2014 +% +Everytime I kill a spider, I am improving their genetic genepool by getting +rid of the weak ones, thus innocently creating the ultimate spider. + ―rushn006, Nov 2014 +% +Do you think Benedict Cumberbatch's friends ever say "No Shit Sherlock" if he +states something obvious + ―fatman40000, Dec 2014 +% +In a few hours, 120,000,000 people will get drunk while watching men play with +each other. + ―sam_T_man, Feb 2015 +% +I would love to open a german bakery and call it Gluten Morgen. + ―SpaceyInvasion, Feb 2015 +% +The Little Mermaid is the story of a teen girl who wants elective cosmetic +surgery, because she thinks it will help her fit into a more desirable class. + ―OChefsky, May 2015 +% +A broken clock has the correct time twice a day, but it's possible for a +working clock to never have the correct time. + ―baisketball, May 2015 +% +I wonder if Magic Johnson regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a +basketball career + ―BookerGinger, Jun 2015 +% +This shitstorm started when the button ended... The button was the countdown +to reddits death + ―Im_The_Real_Batman, Jul 2015 +% +An Egg McMuffin is a younger version of the McChicken. + ―potatodavid, Feb 2016 +% +I'm going to blow my kids' mind when I tell him I'm older than the internet. + ―rockstang, May 2016 +% +Black metal is probably the whitest genre of music on earth. + ―Alaskan_bull_worm94, Jun 2016 +% +Going on a Welsh journey to +Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is something that +is easier done than said. + ―CaptainAsshat, Jun 2016 +% +If nobody in the world was willing to join their respective country's +military, nobody would need to. + ―hermoglobin, Jun 2014 +% +You have to hand it to Liquid-Plumr: They make a product you buy, take home, +literally pour directly down the drain, and then you go back to buy more. + ―TheAbsoluteLastWord, Sep 2014 +% +If you spell 'boobytrap' backwards, it spells 'partyboob' + ―antsofretribution, Sep 2014 +% +I must live 16 hours from the most interesting people on earth, because every +time I want to post a reply to an interest thread it is 16 hours old and my +comments never get seen. + ―ecnarongi, Jan 2015 +% +It bothers me that 12AM comes before 11AM + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +Nobody ever says, "You win some, you lose some" when something good happens. + ―FunkatronicLightning, Apr 2015 +% +Leonardo Da Vinci would shit his pants if he saw a printer replicate his +masterpiece the Mona Lisa in 1 minute. + ―xxmindtrickxx, May 2015 +% +H20 is a chemical. Water guns are chemical weapons. + ―GunLister, May 2015 +% +I am really proud of the soft drink industry for agreeing on a standard cap +size for bottles. + ―ollierwoodman, Jul 2016 +% +You're more likely to be found unattractive for being insecure about your +appearance than whatever makes you feel insecure about your appearance. + ―DerekS428, Aug 2016 +% +The Taco Bell in Philadelphia should have a crack on its sign. + ―missing_an_eyebrow, Jul 2014 +% +Spiciness is the only flavor your anus can taste. + ―sinclairbay, Apr 2015 +% +Out of all the sodas I've ever mixed as a kid, I've never had Pepsi and Coke +mixed together. + ―MrEtherBunny, Aug 2016 +% +I only ever wear my black suit to funerals. I own clothes that hang in my +closet, waiting for someone to die. + ―aBuddhistProdigy, Sep 2016 +% +It's completely normal to refer to pets as "boy" or "girl", but not to call +them "man" or "woman". + ―Patjay, Apr 2014 +% +Since our phones have essentially become pocketwatches, we should have the +chain too. Then we won't drop them on the ground. + ―ATpanguin, Oct 2014 +% +Your handwriting is like the accent of your hands. + ―What-the-curtains, Jun 2015 +% +What if black holes are just areas we haven't unlocked yet? + ―Fodux, Jul 2015 +% +Yelp is suing South Park for $10M because of their recent episode, meaning +they're essentially getting upset at them over a bad review. + ―atomly, Oct 2015 +% +When Superman is poisoned with kryptonite, he is literally homesick. + ―brimston3-, Nov 2015 +% +My wife has figured out if she cooks dinner she doesn't have to do +dishes. I've figured out that if I do dishes I don't have to cook. + ―thundercock88, Mar 2016 +% +I browse Reddit on my phone while on the toilet for shits and giggles. + ―Jacbalson, Apr 2016 +% +If Firefly had aired in 2015 instead of 2002, it would probably have just +moved to Netflix when it was cancelled. + ―anschelsc, May 2016 +% +I can't be the only one who says "no it won't" out loud and hit the back +button when a YouTube video says "your video will play after this ad." + ―whatshisuserface, Sep 2016 +% +Imagine if "ping pong" was "pong ping" + ―br1dgefour, Sep 2016 +% +Using glasses after 18 years of not knowing you needed them is like getting a +next generation graphics boost. I knew stuff had texture, but I didn't realize +it was so detailed. + ―IMCHAPIN, Oct 2016 +% +Everyone dies within six months of their birthday... + ―CurvyGyrl, Dec 2013 +% +Your neck is really just a head wrist. + ―Studunne, Apr 2014 +% +Kids with unique names who were sad they couldn't find personalized souvenirs +are now reaping the benefits in available usernames and email addresses. + ―MachineGunCaveman, Aug 2015 +% +Wind conditions at my desk have never necessitated a paper weight + ―wilhelmAHHH, Sep 2015 +% +Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told +to calm down. + ―DeathBlowChunnel, Jan 2016 +% +The Lottery is essentially crowd funding for a random person to become a +multi-millionaire. + ―Eagle115, Jan 2016 +% +A school shooting is a horrible way to describe yearbook picture day. + ―g____19, Mar 2016 +% +I can download a 1GB file from the other side of the world faster than I can +transfer it to my USB stick. + ―itsnotfun_dontdoit, Mar 2016 +% +I am less concerned about what homeless people do with my spare money than +what most major banks would do with the same money. + ―torrid_example, May 2016 +% +Reddit makes me like people I've never met and Facebook makes me hate almost +everyone i know. + ―Luke2150, Sep 2016 +% +My birthday isn't 3 months before my father's birthday...it's 9 months AFTER! + ―gmsc, Aug 2013 +% +Moe from The Simpsons is always threatening to kill Bart. Moe is a +bartender. A Bart-ender. + ―luciferhelidon, Apr 2015 +% +Perception of the Bible or Koran is a mirror of one's own mind. It will tell a +good person to do good, an insane person to kill and an ignorant person to +discriminate. + ―YOUEFFOHH, Jun 2016 +% +A blanket that gets cold at a certain time would work better than any alarm in +waking me up and getting me out of bed + ―aadharsh_2, Oct 2016 +% +Gravity is more relevant to the plot of Interstellar than to plot of the movie +that is actually named "Gravity." + ―Croutons957, Jun 2015 +% +911 should be able to accept text messages so you can hide in a closet and not +talk on the phone. + ―wamceachern, Sep 2015 +% +If Danny DeVito put on a mask and robbed a bank, everybody would know it was +Danny DeVito. + ―Chazdanger, Mar 2016 +% +"Google" is probably one of the most searched terms on Bing. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +I feel bad for Eminem's ex-girlfriend Kim because the world only ever hears +his very angry side of the story. + ―[deleted], Oct 2013 +% +Morticians should tie dead peoples shoelaces together incase there is ever a +zombie apocalypse. + ―HarryWHU, Aug 2014 +% +If Bill Gates gave me 40 billion dollars, he would still be richer than me. + ―I-think-Im-funny, Jan 2015 +% +"My broom is collecting dust" is a perfectly ambiguous statement. + ―lousypanda, Aug 2015 +% +All the Digimons end with -mon because they are computer programs, and ".mon" +is their extension for monster. + ―SubotaiKhan, Nov 2015 +% +Most of the elderly folk I come across smile a lot and are generally +cheerful. I wonder if that's because old age brings happiness, or because the +miserable ones died off sooner. + ―pitbullcross, Dec 2015 +% +I wonder how many of those "jerks" who don't return their shopping cart in the +parking lot are single parents who have to strap their baby in before loading +the groceries in their trunk and don't want to leave their baby alone in the +car to return a cart. + ―Thinkofacard, Jun 2016 +% +I hate when people ask me to "watch their stuff", like what if someone +actually comes and tries to steal it? Do I have to fight them? I'm not ready. + ―stauffenburg, Mar 2015 +% +"Let me speak to your manager" is the adult version of "I'm telling mum" + ―Hairy_Cheeks, Apr 2016 +% +I trust Google's search result algorithm relevancy so much that if what I'm +looking for in a search result doesn't appear I assume it doesn't exist. + ―firefightersquirrel, Jun 2016 +% +The IRL version of lurking on Reddit is that guy at a party who stands just +outside a conversation circle just to listen and occasionally chuckle. + ―bobberforshamu, Jul 2016 +% +I'm very punk rock when I charge my laptop, phone, and headphones. I always +use the same three power cords. + ―titaniumgroceries, Aug 2016 +% +If we can't show female nipples, why don't we photoshop male nipples onto the +female ones? + ―CommunistCate, Sep 2016 +% +People who say they can't cook are basically confessing that they can't follow +instructions. + ―frecklesandgegs, Mar 2013 +% +The best way to kill a superhero is to give the rights to Fox. + ―mumblybee, Aug 2015 +% +A polo referee should ride a zebra + ―minnesotan_youbetcha, Sep 2015 +% +If I was a woman, I'd be a seasonal stripper named Pumpkin Spice just to get +money for Christmas Shopping. + ―skypry, Oct 2015 +% +Why on earth are cereal bags not ziploc yet? + ―saraboulos, Dec 2015 +% +It would be pretty neat if my Samsung keyboard didn't learn new words while my +browser was in incognito mode. + ―ThatIneptGuy, Jan 2016 +% +Seven has the word 'even' in it. Which is odd. + ―BookerGinger, Apr 2016 +% +As kids, we're told talking to yourself is crazy. As an adult, talking to +myself is one of the few things that keeps me sane. + ―psycholepzy, Oct 2016 +% +After 2015, no part of any of the Back to the Future movies will actually take +place in the Future + ―[deleted], Dec 2014 +% +Secretly get everyone on Reddit to collaborate and post fake content for 24 +hours and evilly laugh as Buzzfeed, CNN, Fox, and every morning radio show lie +to the public by ignorantly recycling our fake stuff. + ―jsally17, Jul 2015 +% +Did paper planes exist before real ones? What were they called? + ―lunaroyster, Sep 2015 +% +Everyone who knows what TIL stands for once had a day when their TIL was what +TIL means. + ―Mufasa_sucasa, Sep 2015 +% +You can tell a lot about a history teacher based on when they use 'we' vs +'they' in a lecture. + ―shirshine, Nov 2015 +% +As a kid, this time of year always filled my wallet. As an adult, the opposite +has become true. + ―BRUISE_WILLIS, Dec 2015 +% +We don't give the people who browse the New section enough credit for finding +us all of the good posts. + ―JubilifeRival, Jan 2016 +% +What if I'm always being recorded for a 24-hour reality TV-show, just like the +Truman show, and that one episode where I watched "The Truman Show" was +absolutely one of my funniest episodes to my audience? + ―rolfraikou, Mar 2016 +% +Being poor is really fucking expensive. + ―acrowsmurder, Apr 2016 +% +If everyone gets sent to prison for illegally downloading music one day, I +hope they at least separate us all by genre. + ―Loudsilences, Apr 2016 +% +How I Met Your Mother was the world's longest TED Talk. + ―mostafa_hanafi, Jul 2016 +% +/r/Showerthoughts is now a default subreddit! (please read) + ―drumcowski, May 2014 +% +If prostitutes charged by the minute, then I would be able to afford their +services. + ―honey_doo, Jan 2015 +% +When stores hand you a 'money off your next purchase' voucher once you've +paid, we should all start passing them on to the people waiting in line behind +us. + ―Billogi, Feb 2015 +% +You overlook something you're supposed to see, but you overhear something +you're not supposed to hear. + ―famouscomposer, Mar 2015 +% +Fish that are caught and released probably sound like insane conspiracy +theorists to the other fish. + ―rburp, Mar 2015 +% +If you carved a dick in a dead man's arm bone, it would be a humorous +posthumous humerus wound. + ―CreedDidNothingWrong, Apr 2015 +% +People on the Internet are presumed male until proven otherwise. + ―Bubbleny, Jul 2015 +% +What if M. Night Shyamalan's career is intentionally bad and he intends to +turn it all around with good movies five years from now as the twist? + ―Ouijynn, Oct 2015 +% +Somewhere in the world there is a baby stronger than all other babies. + ―Citruspassion, Nov 2015 +% +When I was young I thought that quicksand and carnivorous plants would affect +my life a lot more than it has + ―Improved-Liar, Jan 2016 +% +The elderly often complain about how lazy the young generation is, but the +entire course of human history was spent trying to make life easy… + ―WalterMatthew262, Sep 2016 +% +I wonder if the girls on 16 and pregnant will come back on a show called 32 +and a grandma. + ―Baldinosaur, Jan 2015 +% +Why don't we send all of the unwanted pets to prisons to be cared for by the +more responsible inmates? That way the animals get a home and the inmates +learn more about responsibility for something other than themselves. + ―jint3i, Aug 2015 +% +I'm more amazed by the way a needle plays a vinyl record then by the way +lasers read cds + ―r_roman, Apr 2016 +% +The unspoken heroes of Reddit Karma are those who filter their subreddits by +"New" instead of "hot". + ―nopoonintended, Jun 2016 +% +All of those "This is a Buick!?" commercials are basically them acknowledging +that people see them as a manufacturer of shitty cars. + ―CzerwonyMan, Aug 2016 +% +I only ever feed my kids dark chocolate. They think chocolate is gross and +they never ask for it. + ―MortyDazzler, Aug 2016 +% +After watching so many Television shows, I don't think a movie is anywhere +near long enough anymore to develop characters or a story. + ―nnavari, Sep 2016 +% +I really feel like I'm doing toilet paper a favor when I use it to blow my +nose. + ―mystic1_wizard, Oct 2016 +% +It should be illegal to play sirens over the radio. + ―blorgalorp, Oct 2016 +% +Amazon is trying to subliminally convince us to burn down the rainforest, with +product names like "Amazon Kindle" and "Amazon Fire” + ―bge, Jun 2014 +% +Huddle is a more manly word for cuddle + ―lakswimmer33, Nov 2014 +% +There should be a "meh" voting option on reddit, just an arrow pointing left +or right, so that you can identify unread posts faster while scrolling. + ―fiberkanin, May 2015 +% +Machines are getting better at Captchas as they get harder. Humans are +not. Eventually Captcha will be used to prove you are a machine. + ―Pseudoabdul, Oct 2015 +% +I wish i could just like a text so i didn't have to respond + ―sparcs89, Jan 2016 +% +Kanye is actually in love with T-Swift, but since he has the mental capacity +of a 3rd grader, putting her down is the only way he knows how to express it. + ―DevilsAdvocate1217, Feb 2016 +% +Why is suicide selfish, but expecting someone to go on with their unwanted +life so nobody has to deal with the "loss" isn't? + ―ChanceTheFapper1, Sep 2016 +% +When I was a kid, I didn't realize how many adults were just trying to "act +like adults" + ―Nowyouknowmyusername, Oct 2016 +% +Imagine a white guy born and raised in China and given few opportunities to +learn English. If he moved to the U.S. and tried to communicate with people, +they would bash him for being an unfunny racist, to no fault of his own. + ―probablynotdude, Jul 2014 +% +One day, I will be as bad with technology as my parents are and that terrifies +me. + ―CommieOfLove, Dec 2014 +% +There is one day every year, where we unknowingly pass the anniversary of the +day the Dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid. + ―mohaircashmere, Dec 2014 +% +A hundred years ago, poor people had horses and rich people had cars. Now it's +the other way around + ―nmi987, Jan 2015 +% +Surgeons who perform sex change operations should be known as Trans-formers + ―chrismonx, Jun 2015 +% +I wonder how many anti-vaxxers gave their dogs a rabies shot. + ―whateverimbored, Jul 2015 +% +There should be an incognito mode on Netflix, for the times when you're +drunk/high and don't want to fuck up your recommendations by watching Paul +Blart: Mall Cop 2 + ―unclepedo, Jan 2016 +% +There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on +Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly +population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of +what to do with them. + ―247NoSleep, Feb 2016 +% +Google should tell you if you're the first person to ever Google something + ―Ouz, Mar 2016 +% +Life is the worst videogame ever. Literally everything is DLC. It's +pay2win. The devs never update, balance, or fix bugs. There is no reward +system, direction, or end-goal. And on top of everything it's permadeath. + ―WhenIDecide, May 2016 +% +Taco Bell should give customers an extra tortilla so they can make a burrito +out of all the stuff that spilled out of the other burritos they ate. + ―donttouchmybuttz, Sep 2016 +% +This sub is gonna become much more active once waterproof phones become the +standard. + ―Mr_Fabulou5, Oct 2016 +% +You wouldn't name your kid "Jew," so why would you name him "Christian?" + ―AnalLove1, Sep 2014 +% +Eminem should make a sequel to 8 mile depicting his struggle with fame and +drug use and rise, fall, and return in popularity. + ―carcar134134, Feb 2015 +% +I wonder how many times I've avoided death by deciding not to go out +somewhere. + ―WindowlessParadise, Mar 2015 +% +Wouldn't it be great if 20 years from now someone rolls a 5 and Robin Williams +comes back to us? + ―jstohler, May 2015 +% +If you order DiGiorno Pizza on Amazon, it IS delivery. + ―OrcsAndPuzzles, Jul 2015 +% +Wireless mice should be called hamsters + ―greentrafficcone, Aug 2015 +% +It's funny how some biblical names caught on and not others. Plenty of +Daniels, Davids, and Johns, but not so many Jehoshaphats, Zerubbabels, and +Zadoks. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +I wonder if cigarette sales plummet right after new years eve, because of all +the people that are "quitting". And then it gradualy rise again. + ―wosnitza, Dec 2015 +% +What if North Korea is totally chill but have a crazy militant English +translator who is messing it up for everyone? + ―bacontimbit, Jan 2016 +% +It always seems gross when I touch someone's wet hand when they come from the +bathroom, but I should probably be more concerned if it's dry. + ―DisIshSucks, Jul 2016 +% +I love how literal the word "fireplace" is. + ―Dalemaunder, Jul 2016 +% +When we were kids, dick jokes were considered adult content, but when we are +adult now, they're considered immature. + ―babydoom1, Aug 2016 +% +If a God does not exist, religions are the largest and craziest fandoms. + ―Tittsburgh, Sep 2016 +% +Because of internet porn, I've probably seen more naked women than three +generations of my ancestors combined. + ―midnite_trane, Oct 2016 +% +If Jews supposedly control the media, why can't we have any good Chanukah +movies? + ―ouchingtiger400, Dec 2014 +% +Not even considering the mechanics behind it, the person who designed the +watch face is a genuis. It measure 3 units of time on the same display. It's +so effective that we often take the numbers off of it and can tell the time +based on the positions of the hands alone. + ―CaliberHB, May 2015 +% +My cat has to sniff your hand so he knows who you are before he lets you pet +him. I have to log in to my cat. + ―FVmike, Aug 2015 +% +"What doesn't kill you makes you smaller" - Mario + ―howtorakeleaves, Sep 2015 +% +I wonder what would happen if you only let kids watch strictly black and white +films from the 50's for the first ten years of their life, and then on their +10th birthday showed them Avatar in 3D. + ―os-406, Dec 2015 +% +Pizza is eaten from the inside out. + ―ischultz876, Jul 2016 +% +My butthole is entirely too close to my vagina. + ―fartkeeper, Jul 2013 +% +The word 'fuck' insults Louis C.K. when spelt out. + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +Early humans must've flipped the hell out when they saw the moon turn red, +then disappear. + ―tsloan92, Sep 2015 +% +The best stalkers are the ones you don't even know you have. + ―[deleted], Oct 2015 +% +Losing a friend named Molly at a rave would be the most frustrating thing ever + ―Roque_au_Fabii, Jan 2016 +% +When a tree is up, I cut it down. When it's down, I cut it up. + ―scribbleheli, May 2016 +% +In 1968, civil unrest fueled the media. In 2016, the media fuels the civil +unrest. + ―digitalwolverine, Jul 2016 +% +Unless you do your laundry naked, your laundry will never be truly all done. + ―snankiss, Aug 2016 +% +It's pretty close to the 2020s and I still think of the 90's as a few years +ago + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +The old me is actually the young me. + ―[deleted], Jul 2013 +% +Salt shakers don't shake the salt. I shake the salt. + ―CertifiedPuppyRapist, Aug 2014 +% +Unprotected sex is like taking case off your phone. It feels great but you +know you'll probably fuck up and have to pay a lot of money + ―mslvr40, Sep 2014 +% +Americans use the Metric system when buying drugs because asking for a +teaspoon of heroin is just embarrassing. + ―SpookyGeek, Sep 2015 +% +In a way, Charlie Sheen has gone viral. + ―54cisco54, Nov 2015 +% +The default setting on IMDb should hide the cast members' number of episodes +in order to avoid spoilers. + ―mr-graan, Dec 2015 +% +The more funerals you go to, the less people will probably show up at yours. + ―baubeauftragter, Mar 2016 +% +I would rather work 10 hours day Mon-Thurs and get three day weekends + ―Joey2Tymes, Mar 2016 +% +No matter where you cut a snake, it will always be decapitated. + ―one_white_russian, Apr 2016 +% +Reckless driving means you're a bad driver. Meanwhile wreckless driving means +you're a great driver. + ―haloshade, May 2016 +% +If [deleted] were actually a user, he would have the lowest comment karma on +all of Reddit + ―AppleBetas, Jun 2016 +% +Only half of escalators escalate + ―kazaam84, Aug 2016 +% +The most common lie I tell my girlfriend is that the spider she briefly saw +'wasn't that big' and I 'definitely got it'. + ―JackBrightside, Sep 2016 +% +When a gay guy hugs a girl does he say 'no hetero?' + ―American_quack, Jul 2015 +% +r/Unexpected should just pop up in front page once in a while even to someone +who doesn't follow it + ―Imposoonble, Oct 2015 +% +"They don't sell replacement batteries for that toy" is probably the funniest +lie my parents told me when I was a kid. + ―TheXbro, Jan 2016 +% +I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb + ―Rick0r, Mar 2016 +% +I wonder how many cooks over the course of history were accidentally convicted +of poisoning before people realised that food allergies and anaphylactic shock +were a thing? + ―TequilaMockingbirdy, Apr 2016 +% +Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so i can +remember WTF i needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their +site. + ―loveuUSA, Jul 2016 +% +Muslim extremists are kinda like the three kids who got recess taken away for +the whole class. + ―jd3302, Jan 2015 +% +If we were to tally up how much educational software, textbooks and pdfs have +been given out to students for free, PirateBay is probably one of the biggest +'scholarship' providers out there. + ―tstartl, Apr 2015 +% +If you filled a Humidifier with Holy Water, you could have a portable exorcism +machine. + ―Moosetery, Jul 2015 +% +A birthday is actually recognizing a successful orbit of the Sun. Congrats, +space traveler. + ―Geo-USA, Dec 2015 +% +Crabs are basically battle spiders + ―shittypotatosalad, Dec 2015 +% +If my last name was Pepper, I would feel inclined to complete a doctorates +degree. + ―Fumane, Mar 2016 +% +A clock is just a battery's lifespan. + ―OnAStick, Feb 2014 +% +A selfie stick really ought be called a narcissistick. + ―Machonun, Mar 2015 +% +If your job was to browse Reddit, what would you end up doing to procrastinate +at work? Make Excel spreadsheets? + ―Jayshots, May 2015 +% +It's called an atlas because it carries the world + ―casvanr, Aug 2015 +% +Facebook memories are a great reminder of how shitty my phone's camera was in +2010. + ―ohsureyoudo, Jul 2016 +% +The easiest way to not feel alone when you are alone is to watch a scary movie + ―dieingstar, Oct 2016 +% +Congrats /r/Showerthoughts, you're the Subreddit of the Day! + ―[deleted], Jun 2013 +% +The number of planets humanity has explored completely is zero. + ―psaldorn, Feb 2014 +% +Publish a "Where's Waldo" book that doesn't have any Waldos' and sell it as a +gag gift. + ―Dibzz, Oct 2014 +% +Google chrome should have a mute button for each tab. + ―NlHILIST, Dec 2014 +% +They should put panic buttons INSIDE cash registers, so you can press it +whilst looking like you're retrieving cash + ―curiousbutton, Mar 2015 +% +With inflation the way it is, there will be a time when the Harriet Tubman $20 +will only be worth 3/5 of what the Andrew Jackson 20 is now worth. + ―KayakBassFisher, Apr 2016 +% +Shooting fireworks on Memorial Day seems a lot like celebrating 9/11 with a +rousing game of Jenga + ―btowntkd, May 2016 +% +There needs to be a dryer setting for sheets that periodically reverses the +drum spin so you don't end up with a giant burrito filled with still wet +sheets. + ―Amycado, Jul 2016 +% +Kids will never again know the joy of getting a new game and reading the +instruction manual on the ride home. + ―yesac09, Apr 2015 +% +That one guy 10,000 years ago who was born with the first set of blue eyes +must have gotten laid so much. + ―RoblerLobler, May 2015 +% +I've probably spent more time looking for porn than looking at porn + ―20forlife, Jan 2016 +% +James Franco and Seth Rogen are like the modern day Cheech and Chong. + ―DJ-Tizzle, Mar 2016 +% +The % of men who sit down to pee has increased exponentially since the +invention of the mobile phone. + ―Mingalablah, Apr 2016 +% +If I had the post-masturbation clarity of mind before I masturbated, I +probably wouldn't masturbate as much + ―dasodacova, May 2016 +% +What if after grade 3 I continued playing the recorder and went on to become +the world's greatest recorder player? + ―[deleted], Mar 2013 +% +If I have ever drank to forget, it worked. + ―Peefy, Jun 2014 +% +People say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but for +Buddhists it's the opposite. + ―gtkarber, Jul 2014 +% +People call a man a bitch when he is being a pussy, but call a woman a bitch +when she is being a dick. + ―SpazmaticCrackAddict, Mar 2015 +% +All ads are ads for adblock. + ―Planet2Bob, Jun 2015 +% +I'm so glad I live in a country where my first reaction to loud bangs is "Some +kids with fireworks" and not "some maniac with a gun" + ―GaiusSherlockCaesar, Aug 2015 +% +In Canada we don't have "Independence Day" because we asked the queens +permission to become a country. + ―700fps, Oct 2015 +% +I'm secretly happy when my friends don't use reddit because then I can send +them cool things I find on reddit. + ―justyouraveragealien, Jan 2016 +% +If /r/anarchy practiced what they preached they would have no mods + ―stumblingaxis, Jul 2016 +% +The guy who thought up the "Jar Jar Binks is a Sith Collaborator" theory on +Reddit a year ago still has over 2 years of Reddit Gold left from that one +post. + ―ryannefromTX, Oct 2016 +% +Even immortals don't know what it's like to live forever + ―James64bit, Oct 2016 +% +Once you reach the age of 113 you are a teenager again. + ―nosoupforhugh, Jan 2015 +% +Brake lights should get brighter depending on how hard the person ahead of you +is breaking. + ―Arc9, Aug 2015 +% +Natasha is "Ah, Satan" backwards. + ―xMeta4x, Oct 2015 +% +We could have 13 months in a year each with 28 days instead of the current +system. that means each month would be exactly 4 weeks so days of the week +would land on the same place every year. + ―ridik_ulass, Nov 2015 +% +Google should produce and maintain an online jokes database and call it +"Giggle". + ―area88guy, Feb 2016 +% +The phrase "so easy a kid could do it" doest really apply to technology. For +technology its more like "so easy grandma could do it" + ―Schrodi19, Mar 2016 +% +Facebook Go would just be hanging out with your friends in real life. + ―FallingIntoSarchasms, Jul 2016 +% +One of the most helpless offspring on the planet, the human baby, grows up to +be the most dangerous. + ―[deleted], Oct 2014 +% +This century is already 15% over. + ―Mumblix_Grumph, Jan 2015 +% +If you think about it, "Y" is just an enthusiastic "T". + ―[deleted], Mar 2015 +% +If I were ever to commit a crime, I'd do it on April 1st in an outrageous +costume. So when the police are called they'll be all "hurry a man in a +spaghetti costume is robbing the bank" and the police will be all "naw nice +try mate" + ―WhiterunUK, Apr 2015 +% +Bill gates buying a 1 million dollar house is equivalent to someone who makes +$70,000 a year buying a 6 dollar item. + ―maxg900, Jun 2015 +% +I'm kinda disgusted at the thought of drinking milk from my own species, but +I'm totally fine with drinking milk from other species. + ―FrankFH, Aug 2015 +% +"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long + ―Krayox, Dec 2015 +% +Time travel might be discovered before it's invented + ―HeyItsMascot, Jun 2016 +% +If you're attractive with a smile, you're cute. If you're attractive without a +smile, you're hot. + ―Coralcell, Jul 2016 +% +What if the sets in Breaking Bad were real meth labs, and the show was +actually a cover for an actual meth empire? + ―liberal_texan, Nov 2013 +% +Insurance must be crazy expensive in Metropolis and Gotham City. + ―explorer58, Jan 2015 +% +I wonder if the 1st person to use sarcasm had to explain what it was, thus +inventing irony. + ―dchas333, Jun 2015 +% +Ted Cruz starts his rallies by saying "Allahu Akbar" in another language. + ―[deleted], Mar 2016 +% +If a picture is worth a 1000 words, why can't I judge a book for it's cover? + ―Oliisback, Jun 2016 +% +Unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic because they are more +likely to be dead + ―likewang, Jun 2016 +% +Until the first sound recorder, no one is history would have know that their +voice doesn't sound how it does in their head + ―elbartorama, Aug 2016 +% +Putting your phone in Airplane Mode sounds way cooler than it is. + ―trouble_brewing, Sep 2016 +% +Running for President is like having a Kickstarter where you give away cabinet +positions and ambassadorships to the people that hit certain donor levels. + ―Kepnerd, Apr 2015 +% +It would probably be illegal to cast a 17 year old as the star of an accurate +portrayal of the life of an average 17 year old + ―JamesIgnatius27, Nov 2015 +% +Most teenagers pull their phone out of their pocket to check the time. We have +reverted to a society that uses pocket watches. + ―[deleted], Apr 2016 +% +If you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing. + ―DannyLansdon, Jul 2016 +% +I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist +anymore + ―lucio_ball, Aug 2016 +% +I'm more aware of swearing in a TV show when it's bleeped out. + ―Fox_Lee, Sep 2016 +% +"Keep your head up" would be a great slogan for a Viagra add. + ―BasedKorn, Oct 2014 +% +Just realized today that closing time at strip clubs should be called +"clothing" time + ―dirtyj56, Mar 2015 +% +There should be a porno about giving dick to poor women, called Robin Wood + ―SomeCoolBloke, May 2015 +% +"For national security reasons" is the government version of "because I said +so". + ―PMalternativs2reddit, Jun 2015 +% +The better looking a girl's outfit is, the more you want to see her without +it. + ―got2bcarlos, Jun 2015 +% +People don't "try to grow a beard", they just stop preventing themselves from +growing a beard + ―bwhauf, Oct 2015 +% +The most relaxing thing I can imagine is Mr. Rogers interviewing Bob Ross. + ―27Pianos, Mar 2016 +% +Since Earth is the third planet in our solar system,isn't everything on Earth +technically a third world problem? + ―BoastfulJew, Jul 2016 +% +Bobby Flay should have a daughter and name her Sue. + ―mr_william, May 2013 +% +I want to put a horse in a horse costume. People would see it and say, "Damn, +those guys are good." + ―bobbygarafolo, Aug 2014 +% +Mythbusters is just jackass for nerds. + ―SPChef350, Aug 2014 +% +The saying "You'll like him once you get to know him" basically means "He's a +dick, but you'll get used to it". + ―welshie123, Nov 2014 +% +The world isn't turning into a worse place, it's just become harder to hide +everything considered "bad". + ―TheBakedZorro, Nov 2014 +% +I wonder if people appreciate the extra nugget I put in their 10 piece +nuggets... + ―Plistra, Aug 2016 +% +Bullets are one of a few things that only do their job AFTER they're fired. + ―LANA_WHAT_DangerZone, Oct 2016 +% +It's not an "uncircumcised penis" - it's a penis. That's what they look like +naturally. We wouldn't say someone has an "unlifted face" or "unaugmented +breasts". + ―FatherAndSun, Dec 2013 +% +I do not know which is worse: to be present and your presence not +acknowledged; or to be absent and your absence not felt. + ―wizzconsin, Feb 2015 +% +Astronauts are about to eat food grown in space. Technology has looped far +enough around to make farming an astonishing achievement yet again. + ―Ranwoken, Aug 2015 +% +Captain America teaches children that steroids make you more attractive and +better at fighting evil + ―Skweres88, Dec 2015 +% +Santa let all the other reindeer be mean to Rudolf until he had a use for him. + ―Zombiepleasure, Nov 2014 +% +If pi really is non-repeating and unending, then every possible numeric +sequence is in it. Converted to binary, every possible set of instructions is +in it. All the data in the universe is in it. Therefore, everything is a piece +of pi. + ―[deleted], Jan 2015 +% +For April fools day, the Onion should just post truthful and accurate news +stories. + ―Explosivepuppies, Mar 2015 +% +Somewhere out there is a man who cut skin off of my penis. + ―ApolloIV, Apr 2015 +% +Life Pro Tips is full of solutions to problems I don't have. + ―[deleted], Sep 2015 +% +If I ever decide to open a bar, I'm going to name it "Horn Pub" + ―RovinKegs, Nov 2015 +% +The first human to take flight was likely a cave baby snatched up by a giant +bird of prey. + ―[deleted], Dec 2015 +% +Disney has been instrumental in extending copyright laws, but most of their +most famous movies are adaptations of folktales passed down from many +generations + ―ssandrigon, Feb 2016 +% +Camping is fun as long as it's optional. + ―yawningdogge, Jul 2016 +% +I am a time traveler. I only go one direction and I do so patiently. + ―AptFox, Sep 2013 +% +Everything we eat is processed sunshine. + ―GaslightProphet, Mar 2014 +% +There are millions of books I've already read in their entirety - I've just +read the words out of order. + ―dasspacemonkey, Sep 2014 +% +If men wake up aroused with erections we call it morning wood, so if women +wake up wet and aroused should we call it "morning dew?" + ―Macular_Patdown, Apr 2015 +% +All our alien theories involve kidnaping, because that's exactly what we would +be doing if we found life outside earth. + ―michelkz, Sep 2015 +% +If hollister and LaCoste decided to merge, I don't think many people would +wear Hollicoste brand clothing + ―billowingfruit, Oct 2015 +% +there should be 'fuck off' mode on your phone, where no one can contact you +and you can just use the data + ―thehumbleguy, Feb 2016 +% +If you make a killing you make a lot of money. If you make a living you make +enough to get by. + ―banrab, Mar 2016 +% +My car just texted me to let me know it finished downloading and installing +updates, and this sentence would sound like nonsense to someone living as +little as five years ago. + ―Starsy, Jul 2016 +% +People say they slept like a baby as if it's a good thing. Waking up screaming +every two hours doesn't sound that restful to me. + ―trivialpursuits, Aug 2016 +% +If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it. + ―yoloswagginstheturd, Sep 2016 +% +I wish that when somebody started telling a story, a progress bar would +appear. + ―lportx, Aug 2014 +% +That would suck to be a Caucasian person born in Japan, grow up there speaking +Japanese. Then move to America and start learning English. People would just +think you were being racist all the time. + ―MilesDoog, Oct 2014 +% +I wonder if I'm closer to my birth or my death right now + ―_GIROUXsalem, Jan 2015 +% +My smoker friends eat less, spend less time sitting at their desks and are in +the great outdoors much more than I am. + ―RatchettRN, May 2015 +% +Pimp my ride was the weirdest charity program in history + ―mrpricklefingers, Jul 2015 +% +If a blind person tells their significant other they've been seeing someone, +it could either be really terrible news or really great news + ―PsychedelicBukkake, Dec 2015 +% +In the Lion King when simba sings "I just can't wait to be king" he's just +singing about "I just can't wait for my dad to die." + ―Lola-the-cat, Mar 2016 +% +Whoever named "Now You See Me 2" missed a really obvious joke when they didn't +name it "Now You Don't." + ―Ihavenofriendzzz, Mar 2016 +% +I can't make a call because Skype is improving my Skype experience, but what +would really improve my experience is being able to make a fucking call. + ―zanzibarbob, May 2016 +% +By writing this sentence, I have become a small part of your world + ―Iheart2, Nov 2014 +% +What if sleep is our natural state, and the only reason we wake up is to +gather information for our dreams? + ―Mohayat, Oct 2015 +% +The reason why most duels took place during high-noon was so neither +participant had sun in their eyes. + ―SpiritMountain, Feb 2016 +% +"God works in mysterious ways" is basically religion's "Shit happens". + ―eatableshoes, Apr 2016 +% +After installing Adblock, hot chicks in my neighborhood suddenly do not want +to have sex with me + ―ochmar, Jun 2016 +% +I judge people for their "Only God Can Judge" tattoo. + ―Banthrau, Jun 2016 +% +Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one +ahead + ―YouHaveMyBlessings, Aug 2016 +% +When flying vehicles become feasible, there's no way the public should get +access. Instead, it should be for trained emergency services (Ambulances, fire +trucks, police) to ensure the fastest/most efficient possible response +time. We already crash too much, no need to add flying. + ―ThatOneVRGuyFromAuz, Sep 2016 +% +My motivation to stop wasting time is to get things out of the way so I can +waste more time. + ―goshaboobchinskiy, Oct 2016 +% +Is "Ow" the sound humans naturally make when they feel pain or have we just +learned to say that? + ―OptimusRhyme69, Jul 2013 +% +If Ice Cube got shot and killed instead of Tupac, would Tupac be making movies +like "Are We There Yet?" and Cube would be remembered as one of the hardest +rappers? + ―EndsWithMan, Feb 2014 +% +Gifs shouldn't start playing until they've fully loaded. + ―ARMunsilenced, Aug 2014 +% +Surely the man who killed Bruce Wayne's parents is inadvertently responsible +for saving Gotham countless times. + ―Mairuu, Oct 2014 +% +Being born into your parent's religion is the first time you agree to terms +and conditions without reading them. + ―HorseCode, Apr 2015 +% +We are effectively living in the opposite of The Matrix. We're in the real +world but trying to live in a digital one. + ―barelyonhere, Jul 2015 +% +Gorillas don't know any bodybuilding techniques so we probably have never seen +one at full potential. + ―mkt3, Aug 2015 +% +Everytime I hear a forced ad on the internet. I make a mental not never to buy +what they are advertising. Fuck you. + ―Tonsilskin, Oct 2015 +% +Instagram would have been a good name for a drug delivery service + ―imduanereademy5isfly, Jan 2016 +% +Putting death row inmates on suicide watch is economically irresponsible. + ―McPoyal, May 2016 +% +Every time you pick up a coin, you're being paid to clean up after the person +that dropped it + ―jmnzg, Aug 2016 +% +Samsung's Note 7 is probably just AI discovering fire + ―Ethtardor, Oct 2016 +% +Few things in life are more irritating than making an awesome joke (quip, +witty remark), having no one hear it but one person - who laughs, repeats the +joke, and for some reason everyone hears THEM so they get full credit for your +joke. + ―Kande1328, Oct 2016 +% +If assisted suicide were legal, people could have planned death ceremonies and +speeches. + ―shogi_x, Sep 2013 +% +Do dogs have a "list" of their favorite people? Where do I rank on the lists +of the dogs that know me? + ―StankyMung, Oct 2013 +% +If someone dies in their thirties, their teenage angst was a midlife crisis. + ―[deleted], May 2014 +% +A last name is like a brand of human. + ―denture_adventurer, Jun 2014 +% +Virgin drinks should all be served with a cherry. + ―teachrdan, Aug 2014 +% +Shakespeare probably never had to say "for lack of a better term". He just +made one up. + ―TheBridgeburners, Aug 2014 +% +Facebook is where you lie to your friends. Reddit is where you're honest with +strangers. + ―TheGnuGuy, Jan 2015 +% +If we legalize marijuana and get self driving cars, the police won't have +anything to do. + ―aacrane, Mar 2015 +% +Coconuts are just hard-core water balloons. + ―Pirate_Tuna, Jun 2015 +% +Phonetic isn't spelt phonetically, there is no anagram for anagram, there +isn't another word for thesaurus and ironically most people do not understand +irony. + ―lukeyflukey, Aug 2015 +% +Every bee alive is completely innocent; they have never stung anyone. + ―Mijeman, Sep 2015 +% +100 years ago a car would have been a luxury and horse a necessity,But today +car is a necessity and a horse is the luxury. + ―[deleted], Jul 2016 +% +I can post this here, and someone I've never met, seen, or even knew existed +will most likely see this. + ―ForeverNaynay, Jul 2013 +% +A broom is an acoustic vacuum.. + ―house-vs-hurricane, Jan 2015 +% +We should change "Lol" to "Ne" (Nose Exhale) because that's all we really do +when we see something funny online. + ―ThatGuyPonna, Sep 2015 +% +we'll probably see a TIL in ten years time that reads "TIL that the famous +prodigy inventor Ahmed was once arrested for bringing a home-made clock to +school. Police thought it was a bomb." + ―Ruxini, Sep 2015 +% +If Google were to go down, I'd be convinced my Internet wasn't working for the +longest time. + ―psychyness, Oct 2015 +% +Your 20's are a lot like your teens, except the chemical imbalances are +self-imposed rather than naturally occurring. + ―teton_blamer, Sep 2016 +% +Wrestling is a sport where two people without pants fight for a belt. + ―_Mordred_, Sep 2016 +% +I don't get why people are upset we haven't invented hover-boards by 2015 when +according to the same movie, we should've had a time machine back in in 1985. + ―CIRCLJERK_REPOST_BOT, Oct 2016 +% +The Young Me Is The Old Me + ―Ouroboros_87, Jan 2014 +% +They should have brake lights on the front of cars too, so people at +intersections know if the other person is slowing down + ―prezmafc, Sep 2014 +% +If hell is as full of gay people as they say it is, I'm going to have a really +good time + ―If-it-isnt-her, May 2015 +% +The biggest clickbait on Reddit is not the NSFW tag, it's "comment score below +threshold" + ―247NoSleep, Nov 2015 +% +I wonder how many good movies I've missed because the cover art and +description was crappy. + ―kevin32, Jan 2016 +% +"I forgot to plug my car in" will eventually be the most common excuse for +being late for work. + ―SyrCuse-44-, Jul 2016 +% +First we put watches in phones so that we don't need to look at our watch, now +we put our phones in watches so that we don't need to look at our phones. + ―esean_keni, Sep 2016 +% +In the Harry Potter world, two people could have taken polyjuice potion and +switched genders to have sex. + ―[deleted], Oct 2016 +% +Accents are like voice fonts + ―BeatsByJay, Feb 2014 +% +The song "Frosty the Snowman" is about an ice golem who leads kids into +oncoming traffic and vows to return after the police's pursuit of him ends in +his destruction. + ―Klopfenpop, Dec 2014 +% +"Shit" is the only word that becomes its own antonym when it follows the word +"the." + ―Desecr8or, Sep 2015 +% +Jackets don't warm you up, you warm them up. + ―JadedCrimson, Dec 2015 +% +Maybe I should start a Science version of Jehova's Witnesses and go door to +door teaching people about science. + ―RenB79, Mar 2016 +% +In cartoons, especially Tom and Jerry, the mouse live in a hole in the +wall. I've never seen this kind of hole in real life. + ―ILikeWoodenTables, Mar 2016 +% +An animated Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie done by the creators of +Futurama would be amazing. + ―CalcasieuRed, Apr 2016 +% +My wife doesn't like it when I introduce her as my "ex-girlfriend". + ―CaptainAwesome06, May 2016 +% +All cellphone cameras, laptop cameras, and other webcams should come with a +sliding door that has to be physically opened and closed by the user. + ―TwinCitititities, Sep 2016 +% +YOLO should be an argument against being stupid, not for it. + ―ObnoxiousCritic, Jun 2014 +% +If depictions of Hitler's mustache were illegal, you couldn't put a black bar +over them. + ―thedumperor, Jul 2014 +% +Tom Hanks could easily choose to sign off a letter with just - Thanks + ―couching_potato, Dec 2014 +% +Islam needs to eat a Snickers. + ―T5000X, Jan 2015 +% +Earth could just be the North Korea of the galaxy and we'd have no idea either +way + ―verious_, Feb 2015 +% +Parenting a toddler is like being on suicide watch 12 hours a day. If you take +your eyes off them for more than a few seconds, they'll find a way to kill +themselves. + ―District_RE, Sep 2015 +% +Deciding not to buy lottery tickets is like winning a small lottery in +itself. It just pays out discretely over a lifetime. + ―fiaeorri, Sep 2015 +% +Queue is just Q with 4 letters silently waiting their turn. + ―cpu5555, Nov 2015 +% +When meeting new people, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. However, +most book covers will tell you if the book is a romance, a thriller, a +mystery, or even just plain fiction. + ―Sir_Silly_Sloth, Feb 2016 +% +"I cannot bear children" can explain childlessness in two completely different +ways. + ―bisketty, May 2016 +% +As a cyclist I assume every driver wants to kill me. As a driver I assume +every cyclist has a death wish. + ―InteriorEmotion, Jul 2016 +% +As a male I've received so much cologne over the years as gifts that I've +never had to buy any myself. I've let other people decide how I should smell. + ―AzBrah, Oct 2016 +% +The only thing in life I consistently give 110% is the speed limit. + ―OliverFenderbender, Oct 2016 +% +In The Incredibles, Elasti-Girl probably had no trouble during childbirth. + ―jarheadsynapze, May 2014 +% +Nsfw seems so much more appealing when I am actually in work. + ―allybabaa, Dec 2014 +% +I text "hahaha" when I am actually laughing while reading a message, and "lol" +when something is only mildly amusing. Weird. + ―pickledpineapple, Jan 2015 +% +There has most likely been a time in your life in which you had an interaction +with a stranger who died later that day. + ―Blackbettyshamalam, Apr 2015 +% +The amount of real world success in my Facebook friends' lives is inversely +proportional to the amount of 'inspirational life advice' type images they +post. + ―phish_tacos, Jun 2015 +% +As long as you don't have kids, your 30s are like your 20s but with money. + ―CaptainSomeGuy, Jul 2015 +% +You could completely remove the semi colon from keyboards and the majority of +people wouldn't notice until they wanted to send someone a wink. + ―Willexplainmyballs, Jan 2016 +% +People named Frank should say, "let me be frank with you," more often. + ―Leocletus, Mar 2016 +% +The movie "Holes" is basically "Shawshank Redemption" for kids. A man is +sentenced for a crime he did not commit, is harassed then accepted by his +peers, then discovers the warden abusing power for self gain. + ―matthewbobsagit, Jun 2016 +% +There are animals in the world that have never seen a human. + ―MemoryDriven, Sep 2016 +% +The name Ariana Grande sounds like a Microsoft Word font. + ―YoshiToad, Sep 2014 +% +Why do baby clothes have pockets? + ―Nerd514, Sep 2014 +% +When you change "woman" to "women", the A changes to an E, but it's the sound +of the O that changes. + ―Stalins_Grandson, May 2015 +% +Watching a snapchat from Team Snapchat is like having Tom as a friend on +Myspace + ―Catabolist, Jul 2015 +% +The little girl from The Ring hasn't been able to kill anyone in years now +that VCRs are obsolete. + ―JackOfCandles, Jul 2015 +% +With Sesame Street moving to HBO, I wonder which character will be killed off +first? + ―scottcmu, Aug 2015 +% +In an uphill race, the first runner up is actually the winner. + ―DeesusCrust, Feb 2016 +% +There's no 'd' in 'refrigerator' but there is in 'fridge'. + ―Rocketoast, Jul 2013 +% +I've wanted to run away as an adult way more then I ever did as a kid. + ―Eggs_and_Porn, Dec 2014 +% +Attractiveness is the sole difference between being "dark and mysterious" or +"that weird guy in the corner that doesn't talk much". + ―ItsaMeMattio, Sep 2015 +% +Does the hole in the middle of a doughnut still exist after you've eaten it? + ―MeMuzzta, Mar 2016 +% +I will live forever or die trying + ―Astalapista, Aug 2016 +% +A Virgin Mary becomes a Bloody Mary after you put something stiff in it. + ―Mossyiscracked, Oct 2016 +% +Isn't having one month designated for black history segregation? + ―kevinonthemoon, Feb 2014 +% +In 500 years, people will think of me as being as technologically ancient and +generally ignorant as I think of people in the 1500s, and that pisses me off. + ―DBerrz, May 2014 +% +Gotham City is kinda screwed if it's a clear night and there aren't any clouds +to put the bat signal on + ―Elfieblue, Jul 2014 +% +Someone had to go to Robin Williams' Wikipedia page and turn every 'is' to a +'was'. + ―6midlan, Aug 2014 +% +[META] Nick Offerman brings our Shower Thoughts to life + ―bhalp1, Aug 2014 +% +There should be a battle of the bands at each half time show during the nfl +playoffs and the winner moves on to the super bowl show + ―panoramicjazz, Feb 2015 +% +We never stop clapping, we just really, really slooooooooooow down. + ―monoleso, Sep 2015 +% +Saying "um" is the human equivalent to buffering. + ―[deleted], Nov 2015 +% diff --git a/hardware-configuration.nix b/hardware-configuration.nix index 11531cb..9ac5330 100644 --- a/hardware-configuration.nix +++ b/hardware-configuration.nix @@ -8,7 +8,7 @@ [ (modulesPath + "/installer/scan/not-detected.nix") ]; - boot.initrd.availableKernelModules = [ "xhci_pci" "thunderbolt" "nvme" "usbhid" ]; + boot.initrd.availableKernelModules = [ "xhci_pci" "thunderbolt" "nvme" ]; boot.initrd.kernelModules = [ ]; boot.kernelModules = [ "kvm-intel" ]; boot.extraModulePackages = [ ]; diff --git a/home-manager/home.nix b/home-manager/home.nix index 80ebd26..aff3c24 100644 --- a/home-manager/home.nix +++ b/home-manager/home.nix @@ -26,6 +26,7 @@ let confDirs = linkConfDirs [ "foot" + "fortune" "hypr" "nvim" "tmux" diff --git a/hypr/hyprlock/check-capslock.sh b/hypr/hyprlock/check-capslock.sh index ca56178..ca56178 100644..100755 --- a/hypr/hyprlock/check-capslock.sh +++ b/hypr/hyprlock/check-capslock.sh diff --git a/hypr/hyprlock/status.sh b/hypr/hyprlock/status.sh index 0d4ec2d..0d4ec2d 100644..100755 --- a/hypr/hyprlock/status.sh +++ b/hypr/hyprlock/status.sh @@ -8,3 +8,5 @@ find . -type f -name "*.sh" -print -exec chmod +x {} \; echo "Rebuilding..." sudo nixos-generate-config --show-hardware-config > hardware-configuration.nix sudo nixos-rebuild switch --flake .#main + +strfile ~/.config/fortune/showerthoughts diff --git a/nixos/environment.nix b/nixos/environment.nix index 19daedc..94d3971 100644 --- a/nixos/environment.nix +++ b/nixos/environment.nix @@ -25,6 +25,9 @@ fzf termusic lazygit + fortune + cowsay + lolcat ]; fonts.packages = with pkgs; [ nerd-fonts.jetbrains-mono diff --git a/nixos/home.nix b/nixos/home.nix index 3810f70..ba5f2db 100644 --- a/nixos/home.nix +++ b/nixos/home.nix @@ -48,6 +48,7 @@ alias py=python alias tmux="tmux -u" alias snvim="sudo -E -s nvim" alias ls="eza" +alias wisdom="fortune ~/.config/fortune/showerthoughts | cowsay | lolcat" set -U fish_user_paths /home/comet/.cargo/bin $fish_user_paths set -U fish_user_paths /opt/android-sdk/cmdline-tools/latest/bin $fish_user_paths |